"And where did that get Jackie O? Covered in brain."

Has anyone seen The Bad Girls Club on Oxygen? Holy shit, those girls have behavioral issues! My problem with the show, however, is that it's the "March of the Butterfaces". Yes, I'm sure I sound shallow, but I've never seen such a pronounced example of the phenomenon. The house is filled with about 5 ROCKING bodies, attached to some of the roughest faces you could imagine. Faces carved out of granite and acne. One of them looks like a Mexican tranny, while another looks like a Persian tranny, with HORRENDOUS, evil villain eyebrows. It's like one big post-op lovefest. But, Damn, can those girls fight! You ever seen that girl in the club, who ain't the prettiest, but is built like a brick house? Stay away, 'cause if she gets mad, she will knock the shit out of you with a glass, while letting her friend get carted off to jail for the offense. Those chicks are that gangsta!

So, they announced that Jennie Garth is headed back to 90210, in the spin-off that The CW is developing. That's all well and good, but I'm a bigger fan of round-the-way connections with these spin-offs. Everyone wants the former stars because they want to see who's washed up enough to come crawling back. I, however, would much rather see the peripheral people come back. Have Emily Valentine as a tough-as-nails lesbian gym teacher. Have the Ghost of cowboy hat-wearing Scott roaming the halls of West Beverly. Remember back when Brandon was banging his married professor (portrayed by the beautiful Dina Meyer)? Have her come back for one of those ripped-from-the-headlines "teacher bangs her students" special episodes.

I did something this weekend that I'm already regretting. I've wanted it for so long, but the minute it was achieved, I knew I'd made a mistake: I got a Blackberry. Now, there are some pros: no more worrying about internet monitoring at work; website posts on the go; it's a kickass little piece of gadgetry, etc.

There are also cons: I am basically borderline OCD. I do not need something that I have to check every time I hear the semblance of the little noise it makes when I get a message. I'm already text crazy, and now I've got 3 e-mail addresses channeled into one location. And the worst thing is that I can't even begin to justify the cost. I could check my e-mail on my regular phone, albeit it took longer. There's no way in Hell I'm syncing it to my work e-mail, so it's not like it's going to help my professional productivity. I'm not some wheeler-dealer on the go. My most important "business" is in facebook and Myspace. I probably could've gotten by with a Sidekick or something.Did I mention I can't even begin to justify the cost of this?

Oh well, it's done now. I never got around to writing this (it's from the "lost post" I was supposed to write back in Feb, about how I thought I was going to die; it's coming), but I lost my last, sexy-ass phone in a cab in NYC. I had every intention of buying it again, as it was so damn sexy! Stainless steel, blue backlight, slim...I would get that phone drunk and steal its panties, it was so hot! But Verizon would've had to order it, and I'm impatient. Plus, the marginal cost of just going up to the Blackberry was pretty small. It's the data package I had to add on to the contract that's gonna bite me in the ass. Anyway, I always wanted one, and now I have one. I guess dreams do come true. But knowing my life, this is going to turn into a nightmare. It has already begun, as it appears I can't sync Hotmail on a BB. WTF...

Posted by William @ 5/11/2008 07:57:00 PM
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"When I get to Nova Scotia, I might as well just take my pants off at the airport."

It was an interesting weekend. Some we'll talk about, some we'll save for later. In any case, there were 2 sights that stuck with me:

1) A minivan whipped around a corner, driven by somebody's grandman, blasting Clay Aiken. I mean blasting. What ever's the opposite of bassing ("trebling"?), this was it. The icing on the cake, however, was the vanity plate that said "Claym8". Now, I've certainly heard of the Claymates (Clay's legion of fans, similar to Barry's "Fanilows"), but I never thought they really existed. I thought they were mythical beings, like unicorns and black Republicans. Yet and still, before my eyes, I was seeing the end of civilization. Which was only seconded by #2...

2) On the way to work on Sat, I passed a Chrysler being driven by a sad, old clown. An old clown. Driving a damn car. Nowhere near a circus. Maybe he was as distraught with humanity as I. Maybe he'd just driven by the Claym8 chick. In any regard, there's nothing like a sad clown to really get your day off to a bad start. Clowns really can't win. A happy clown is creepy, while a sad clown is offputting.

Who knew there was such thriving nightlife in Frederick?

Ladies, as we head into warmer weather, remember this important tip: if you don't have ankles, you shouldn't be wearing capris. It's that simple.

BTW, if you haven't already, you should definitely go see Iron Man. It's not a standard "comic book movie", and you'll love it just for Robert Downey, Jr. And if you are a comic fan, remember to stay until the credits are over.

Leave it to me to have the hot friend who goes on the Richard Simmons cruise. Yeah, I can't explain it either...

Posted by William @ 5/06/2008 06:24:00 PM
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"Fat people are harder to kidnap"

Can you feel it in the air? It's coming! What, pray tell? The Boyband Revival!

If you remember, these fads occur in cycles. Around 1986, we had New Kids on the Block. They lasted for about 4 years and it fell apart. Then, around '96, Backstreet Boys finally hit it big (after a false start in '94 - the world wasn't ready yet), followed by 'NSYNC, with both groups tearin' up the charts and our hearts. While they were on top, a few New Kids came back (Joey, Jordan), while the main boybanders begat a slew of imitators (O-Town, 911, SoulDecision, Youngstown, LMNT, Natural, 5ive, Take 5, C-Note and the list goes on and on). Now, here we are, in 2008, and we've got the return of NKOTB, rumors of a 5ive reunion across the pond, and this little tidbit I found today:

http://www.myspace.com/bandemoniumtour

That's right, boyband manager extraordinaire, Johnny Wright, is at it again with BANDEMONIUM, a national tour featuring Menudo, NLT, Glowb and V Factory (God, I hope V Factor is comprised of a bunch of virgins - what a clever gimmick!). The only recognizable group is Menudo, and that's because of that craptacular Making-the-Band style show on MTV last year where the group was created. This kind of event, however, is how Backstreet Boys got big. Lou Pearlman held a bunch of Transcontinental Records showcases, and this propelled the Backstreet Boys to international stardom. Sure, there were other groups (Solid HarmoniE, LFO, Innosense - if you ever want to see all of Lou's acts in one place, track down a DVD copy of Longshot, as it was part of their contracts to appear in some way, shape or form) but they had to fail so that BSB could succeed. Out of these 4 boybands listed for Bandemonium, 3 of them ain't gonna make it. But I can feel it in the air: bubblegum pop is almost back, and I couldn't be happier! The Jonas Brothers just kind of reopened the door: the boyband that plays their own instruments. Pretty soon, though, the "Hannah Montana Generation" is going to demand choreographed dancing, frosted tips, and Burger King CD giveaways. It'll be great to hear something not produced by Timbaland, and not featuring T-Pain or Akon. And, oh, what a glorious day that will be!

What is with "Love In This Club Pt II"? They took a hot song and just made it boring. Did Beyonce really need to be invited to this party?

Has anyone seen the video for Jordin Sparks's "No Air"? What is that all about? She & Chris Brown would have air if they weren't wasting it, screaming at each other! He's right in front of you, in that hoodie he always wears. What are you screaming about, Jordin? Stop yelling in Chris Brown's face like that!

Speaking of Chris Brown, I really like that dude. I was in JT's corner, but as his star rose, he got a little too smug for my tastes (plus, it didn't help that he slept with every woman on the average male's "dream list"). Chris, on the other hand, seems so down-to-earth, even in spite the neck tattoo and that hoodie he never takes off. Chris Brown is like your pretty boy cousin that you only see at the family reunion. His mom is going on and on about, "Chris just made the basketball team", and your aunt comes in and says something like, "Mmm, that boy is gonna be a heartbreaker, with his good-lookin' self!" And Chris just smiles and says something like, "Well, you know..." And you sit there, thinking, "I wish someone thought I was a heartbreaker..."

I thought Chris had a new track until I found out it was Jesse McCartney. Anybody heard "Leavin'" yet? I've got to give it to Jesse - he took his "beautiful soul" underground for a few years, and I really think it helped his creativity. Well, that and puberty. A lot of people don't realize he wrote Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Love", collaborating with OneRepublic's Ryan Tedder (sidenote: I really think Ryan Tedder's going to be the David Foster of our generation. He's just getting started, and he's going to be prolific as Hell!). Jesse's releasing his version as a hidden track on his new CD, Departure. Having heard his version, I'll say it's different, but I still like it. Leona simply sells the vocals, while Jesse sells the lyrics.

How is Chloe Lattanzi still on Rock the Cradle? Seriously, who is she pleasuring with those amazing lips of hers?

Still not watching Idol, but I caught the mp3 of David Cook's "Always Be My Baby". That's gotta be the best reinterpretation of a song since Clapton's unplugged "Layla". Yeah, it's that good.

In closing, I spent last weekend @ Cornell, taking in the spring show of my boys, my family, Last Call. When I was in that group, it was always my hope to go down in history as, maybe, one of the Top 20 soloists in LC. Unfortunately for me, the group just gets better and better, quickly knocking me off that list. I shall one day simply be a footnote in their existence. Maybe I'll make the list for Top 20 Black soloists in LC. Either way, I'm proud of them, as they truly kick ass. I've got to say, though, nothing wakes you up quite like this quote, which was said to me at the afterparty: "Oh my God, I had such a crush on you when I was twelve." Yeah, apparently, I'm that old now...

Posted by William @ 4/30/2008 06:16:00 PM
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"I have a kindergarten crush on you."

Gotta love MTV. It's nothing if not educational. Over the last week, they've given the world "kindergarten crush" and "relationship vacation." OK, for kindergarten crush, that line is only going to work if she's drunk. And thinks you're cute. And already wanted you before you opened your mouth. And is drunk/nice enough to pretend she didn't hear you say something as lame as "kindergarten crush" while you're trying to get her into bed. That's a Dateline NBC special just waiting to happen. As for "relationship vacation", don't you have to come back from a vacation? Wouldn't "relationship relocation" work better? Maybe "relationship hiatus"? TV shows go on hiatus all the time and never come back. I mean, "vacation" is misleading, as it also implies a relaxed state without worry. Can't say I've experienced that...When you go on vacation and don't come back, that's called "moving".

Could it be true? I don't want to even hint at it, but did How I Met Your Mother just jump the shark? I mean, they telegraphed this all season, especially with the visible lack of a role for Robin, but I didn't think it would manifest like this. I'm going to go against type and not spoil it, but this was one of those endings that played better in my head than on screen.

OK, I feel I should probably explain my last post, so that I don't have to deal with a phone call from the one person reading this thing. Anyway, that post probably isn't what you think. In the first episode of my favorite *dripping with sarcasm* TV show, Rock the Cradle, Lucy Walsh sang a really great arrangement of Don Henley's "The Heart of the Matter". Then, about 2 days later, I heard a similar version while I was in Bloomie's. After some googlage, I found that it was by India Arie. Now, never in a million years did I think I'd gravitate to India Arie, but I've had that song on repeat for about the past 72 hrs. The second verse is worthless, as it follows the whole "the world is so full of stress, we've got to rise above it AKA Marvin Gaye's 'What's Goin' On'" sentimentality, but it's the first verse and chorus that really resonate with me. I think everyone's been there at some point, in some manner. In full disclosure, though, it's not directed at anybody. Well, that's not exactly true. It's directed at me.

Allow me to explain in terminology that I find comforting. As many of you know, I read comics. Some might say I have an unhealthy addiction. Since I started working in the industry, it's been a bittersweet affair. More bitter than sweet. In fact, it's a lot like marrying your whore. Think about that for a bit.

Anyway, many comic characters have been around for decades, so it's obvious that some of the history or backstory is going to get convoluted and contradictory over time. So, what do publishers do about this? They "retcon" the stuff they don't need. Yep, you're about to learn something: "retcon" is short for "retroactive continuity". It's basically a clean-up, deus ex machina, to get yourself out of a corner. You go back in the timeline of something, and remove any event or info that contradicts the current state of things. Did you ever see the original Batman (Michael Keaton movie? In that movie, Joker killed Batman's parents. Now, did you also see Batman Begins (Christian Bale)? Who killed Batman's parents there? Hint: it wasn't the Joker. Why was this done? Well, first of all, Joker didn't kill the parents in the original comic story, but also this was to make their new, revamped Batman timeline make sense. Retconning is an attempt to start over, from scratch. The problem, though, is that the retcon is a slap in the face of the idea that your current state is the sum of your experiences.

Now, you might say that it's the dreaded "quarterlife crisis" talking, but I can honestly say that life hasn't turned out quite like I'd wanted/expected. Tonight, on HIMYM, they were discussing that, when old friends/acquaintances are reunited, there's always a winner and a loser. The winner is clearly better off than they were in the past, while the loser has either plateaued or is in an even sadder state than in the past. I heard this, laughed, and said, "That is so right." Then, I paused, cocked my head for a minute, frowned, and muttered, "That is so right". Yeah...

So, my problem right now is that I really, for the life of me, can't figure out where I went wrong. I'm not trying to be a whiner, and if you check the archives, I haven't really written a personal post for the better part of a year, unless you count my opinions on cable television as "personal". I've really been trying to deal with this, but I can't pinpoint that missed opportunity, that missed call, that misfire at greatness, at happiness. Sometimes you don't recognize things when they're right under your nose. Maybe that's what happened. After all, I've never been one for subtlety. It just doesn't work on me. You pretty much have to hit me with a dead cat to get me to realize something, so maybe I'm just not perceptive enough. Or maybe there's a different explanation: maybe I retconned those events.

Maybe there were missed opportunities, lost chances, and I simply forced myself to erase them rather than deal with that outcome, or lack thereof. There are a lot of holes in my memory. While there's a lot I remember, there's also a lot I've forgotten. Sadly, a lot of that was deliberate. If there was some period or moment that I didn't feel like "dealing with", I sublimated it. You do that enough, and you're walking the Earth like James Howlett (that goes out to you, J. Lamb!). So, clearly in life, as in comics, retconning is a short term fix, at best. Because when it all unravels, and it always does, you've got a mess on your hands. I think my retcons are catching up with me, and they're going to get worse before they get better. That is, unless I change something. I'd like to think I'm learning from my experiences, but I'm just finding myself with more questions. Sure, that's life. "It's about the journey, not the destination", but points of any journey get tedious. Food gets low. You get lost. Your feet start to hurt. Sometimes, it would be nice to just know a little bit more about that destination. I don't need to know what it's called or even what the weather's like. Just tell me: do they have cable? (NOTE: I long for the days of yore, when my measure of success was whether or not a person had cable. Oh, to be 19 again!).

The problem with retconning is that you'll eventually have to straighten everything out, and that's more trouble than if you'd dealt with the issue when it first arose. It's like deferring a student loan (don't even get me started on that!). Let's just say that's it's quite the struggle dealing with all of this at once. I don't really like how it's manifesting. "Quirky" and "off the wall" are now becoming bitter and cynical. I feel like I'm guest of honor at the Haters Ball. It's even in this blog. I hate stooping to the "why do White people love the zoo?!" brand of humor. Sure, it's good for a quick laugh, but it's misleading. I write that, but it's not my voice saying it. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm writing material for a 90's episode of Comicview. I hate going for the "cheap laugh". I'm about as Afrocentric as Wayne Brady in a Starbucks. So, if you know me, you'll know that the joke just doesn't connect. Plus, I've got to wonder what my White friends think when they read that. "Wow, is that really how Will feels about us?" No, it's how I feel about one person who came into Toys "R" Us that day, and I generalized. Is it the right thing to do? No, but it's what happened.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm tired of this rut. I can't find the ending, though, before I find the beginning. And it's the beginning that I've forgotten. I'd really like to leave, but I don't remember how...

Posted by William @ 4/21/2008 11:50:00 PM
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I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Posted by William @ 4/19/2008 09:20:00 PM
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"I've wasted all my tears, wasted all those years..."

Can somebody tell me: why do White people hate shoes? I swear, White people and shoes have been at war for centuries. It's funny because the minute Black people were emancipated and allowed to wear shoes, they never took them off. Hell, they invented shoe collecting! Sure, you have your minority of White women, collecting their Manolo's, but Black people buy shoes they don't even wear! They have backup shoes, just in case something happens to the pair on their feet. White people, on the other hand, can't wait for the first ray of Spring sun. The shoes and socks come off, and it's Foot City! Why is that? Especially since the feet, oftentimes, are fucked up. Listen, Becky: if you're gonna wear flip flops, get a damn pedicure. I swear, women love to say shit to me like, "I can't believe you get manicures" or "I can't believe you get your eyebrows waxed". Don't hate. A person should look as good as they can, so don't pick on me for your shortcomings. You think I'm gay? So what; that's your problem. It still doesn't keep your feet from looking like talons. Keep your shit together and put some damn shoes on!

OK, I swear this is the last time I mention "Love Song", but I just have to share this: When I sing along with the chorus, I like to replace "you see", with "nigga, please" (there's an extra beat, so it works). Something about that switch just gives the song a whole new dynamic. It's funny, if just for a second, to imagine that Sara is singing to a brotha...

Man, Rock The Cradle just gets better and better as the train wreck becomes more horrendous. I wonder if MTV considers pulling the plug. I can't imagine the ratings this thing gets, but I revel in the disaster that unfolds onscreen each week. Chloe Lattanzi...still there, huh? You have got to be the fakest chick I've ever encountered, but you're still there. I especially loved your little spiritual walk through the rock garden. Nice touch. Anyway, I've gotta give it up to a chick who dares to wear high-waisted jean shorts with boots! Chrissy Snow couldn't have pulled that off, so I don't know why you think you can, Sandy's Daughter. My favorite part of the show, however, is seeing the rehearsal footage with the session musicians. On any other show, the session guys are supportive and attentive throughout this process. On Rock The Cradle, however, they look at these nobodys as if they wish to smash in their skulls. They cringe when wrong notes are hit. They stare with intense loathing at the "singers". If you've got DVR, go back and watch last week's episode, during Chloe's rehearsal. There's a guy whose facial expression is saying, "If it weren't for my fucking second mortgage, and a good for nothing whore of a daughter in community college, I'd walk the fuck out of here. I played with Herbie Hancock, you tone deaf bitch!" OK, it was a quick scene, but his look was that intense!

Dear Monster.com,
I have no desire to sell insurance or diapers to old people. When you asked me if "today's the day", I must say that my expectations were a bit higher than what you've provided. While I understand the world of telemarketing is always looking for a few good soldiers, I went to an Ivy League school. Hell, I even graduated from it. I know, I can hear it now: you think I'm one of those Ivy Snobs. Sure, I may not being doing a damn thing with that piece of paper, but that's kinda why I came to you. You see, some people told me you might be able to help me, but I'm beginning to doubt your influence. After all, you're not providing me with anything I couldn't have found myself in a Lincoln Tech brochure. On second thought, maybe I should take them up on their offer. I mean, I am underemployed AND looking to turn my career around. So, Monster, I guess you can sort of see where I'm coming from. I think we're just going in different directions. You simply can't give me what I need. I'm not blaming you; after all, it's my fault for being foolish enough to believe your empty promises. Sure, I've seen the commercials. I know you're out there, changing the lives of others. If only you could've changed my life, Monster. That's all I ever wanted. I guess I simply expected too much. Well, Monster, today is the day, the day that I'm taking back my life. I wish things could've been different, but I'm not sure there's a place for you where I'm going. No, Monster, I didn't forget my password - I simply don't need it anymore...

Posted by William @ 4/14/2008 10:45:00 PM
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"I don't dress like a slut. I think I dress more like a slot machine."

I can't believe I've had the same Chris Brown song on repeat for the past 8 hrs ("Forever", if you were wondering). I can't help it; the beat is hot!

Anyway, let's go for a TV post this time around:

-So, I've watch the Real World Awards Bash about 3 times now. It's not that I wanted to; it's just that it's always on. It's like Law & Order or something...Anyway, It was so weird to see the "Old Guard"(you know, the seasons where the show actually had a purpose), hanging out with the "No Class Heroes" (Vegas and beyond). Montana actually showed up! Poor thing, she's the only one who had nothing better to do. If she'd had an dignity, she'd have sent in a video update like Judd, Pam, and all the other "grownups". I also noticed that there was almost no Sistahs Representin'. Sure, Coral was there, as well as Karamo (yeah, I'm a jerk). Otherwise, no Melissa, no Irulan, no Kameelah (though, she did send in a video), no Nameless Black Chick from the forgotten London season. Speaking of RW:London, I'm pretty sure they would strike it completely from the record books if not for Jacinda Barrett. She's the only bonafide "actor" the show has generated (no, The Miz doesn't count), so everyone's forced to acknowledge that season, mainly, because of her.

I think I've written about this before, but watching that special both touched and saddened me. Why? Pedro Zamora. In this day and age, I think a lot of us have forgotten the impact that he had. Sure, AIDS is pretty prevalent and "we all know somebody affected blah, blah, blah", but he really broke new ground. And he did it until the very end. I remember the weekend Pedro died, as that was my introduction to The Real World. I didn't start with the NY season like everyone else. I was in a hotel in Alabama, and I ended up watching the entire marathon, dedicated to his life and his passing. I didn't get a new batch of "seven strangers" until Boston, but that San Fran season stuck with me. The reminder of Pedro's accomplishments, however, shows what a mockery the show has become. Will this franchise ever generate another Pedro? Does anyone even stand for anything anymore on that show? They've lined up RW: Hollywood, where the deck is stacked to guarantee high entertainment value, as they're all vain, beautiful people trying to be stars. Pretty much like every other season, only they're being upfront about their ambitions this time around. That said, I feel like Mary-Ellis Bunim is turning over in her grave. The same way Star Trek got better after Roddenberry's passing, I feel the opposite is true for the RW franchise. In their acceptance speeches, the cast members who were touched by the experience made sentiments that they could see the show lasting for 20 seasons more. While that might be true, I find myself asking: "Why?" I'd really like to think it's going to get better, maybe mean something, but I think I might be wasting my optimism...

While we're on MTV, let's talk about Celebrity Nepotism...I mean Rock the Cradle. Interesting concept, but they really scraped the barrel for talent. Makes ya wonder who they'll dig up next season L'il B Sure!? Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, the exclamation point is part of his name. I'd much rather see if his father has another hit in him than to worry if his son can be just as mediocre. Jessie Money. Awesome "guns", and she's Eddie Money's daughter. Singing, however, ain't her thing. I also loved how Bobby Brown basically agreed with the judges when they weren't on Landon Brown's side. Way to be supportive, Bobby! If you really wanted to be constructive, you'd have convinced him not to do the show. The showstopper, of course, was Lucy Walsh, with her rendition of "Heart of the Matter". Can I downlowd that somewhere? Awesome job! Everybody raved over Hammer's daughter, but I'm not feeling her Jill Scott vibe. She brings nothing new to music, as she's ever other black chick entering the scene these days. I'd only be into it if she pulled a "Natalie Cole" and tried to do "Can't Touch This" with her dad. THAT would be hilarious! Lara Johnston? Come back when you're older and have more confidence. Crosby Loggins? Ain't feelin' it. Jesse "Blaze" Snider? I think the ladies would dig him, but his style of rock is a little outdated. And that, finally brings me to Chloe Lattanzi. I think that she must be the best thing Olivia Newton-John has produced since Grease. No, it's not the singing, either. When she sings, she sounds like some Romanian chick who's struggling to learn English. What the Hell are some of those sounds coming from her mouth? What gets me about her, however, are those lips. Oh, Sweet Georgia Brown, those lips! What was Sandy thinking when she let whatever Third World doctor do that to her daughter? My feminine side wants to yell, "Aw, hell naw!", while my male side is licking his lips, saying, "What up, boo?"

I hated the parent show, but I'm loving the spin-off: Real Housewives of NYC. Who cares about Orange County? That region is so played out, but NYC never dies, baby! I kinda fell into watching it, and I'm hooked.

First we've got Jill and her "Jewish girl from LI makes it big as high society girl" routine. I can't really say anything bad about Jill. I really like her, and she's probably the most grounded chick on the show. Sure, she loves her dog a little too much, her husband isn't very affectionate, and she sent her 14 yr old daughter off to fat camp to cure some kind of early onset arthritis, but that's nothing out of the ordinary, right? Jill's cool in my book.

That brings us to LuAnn...I mean, The Countess de Lesseps. I.LOVE.THIS.WOMAN. She is absolutely beautiful. Former beauty queen from bumblefuck marries a count and now lives the good life. Her Spanish housekeeper raises the kids, while Luann paints the town red with her 20-yr old niece, trying to recapture some sense of lost youth. If you're in the Hamptons area, keep an eye on cable access, as she hosts The Countess Report. I shit you not.

Then, we've got Ramona. My, my, my...that poor girl. Ramona is your typical "doesn't act her age and wants to be the life of the party" woman. The other housewives don't really seem to like her, but she must know a producer or something 'cause she's still on the show. Seriously, they all hang out together without Ramona. She tried to get some friends early in the season, but she gave up, and the rest of them hang out, talking shit about her. Plus, Ramona's got Man Issues. She's married to a great guy, but she keeps harping on some advice her mom gave her, about how she should make her own money in case the marriage goes south. Good advice? Yes. The problem is that she's saying it every time she's on camera. She's trying to instill that in her daughter, who's all of 11, which is kind of fucked up. Also, you've got to wonder how the husband feels, as he does his best to support them from his jewelry business, and he's got this militant wife running around, boasting about how she'll be OK if their marriage doesn't work out. Plus, Ramona's a stage mom, as she's trying to push her daughter into acting, which doesn't seem to be the daughter's desire.

Then, we come to Bethenny. She's a nutritionist and famous chef, and her body is amazing. Her face, however, is a bit aged - you'd see her in a club from afar and think you hit the jackpot, but you get close and find something more akin to Skeletor's sister. Beautiful hair, but sunken eyes. Bethenny's not exactly a "housewife", as she's the single gal, but the clock is ticking. She's trying to get her bf to "take it to the next level", but he's divorced with 3 kids. He's pretty much done, while she's trying to get started. I don't see a happy ending here, folks. Did I mention how awesome her body is? Just checking.

Finally, that brings us to the symbiotic couple of Alex and Simon. How I loathe these two...They're joined at the hip, so everything they do is together. She goes out for a "girls night", and brings him along. My, how that didn't go well! They're also the most pretentious fuckers on television. They're social parasites: they find people in high places, and they gravitate toward them, to increase their own status. Their children are Johan and Francois, and they're raising them to speak English and French. Simon's so "metro" he's gay, while Alex seems like a really low-dollar tranny. Just look at the bone structure on that girl! They're the most entertaining, though, as they're still striving for status while hanging out with people who've already achieved it. The other girls are happy to lend a hand or a referral, but they can see how Alex and Simon are nervous and overcompensating. They can see how hungry they are for status and acceptance. They reek of want! And that, folks, is what makes this thing so entertaining. It's a show about wealth and status most of us will never experience. When you're worried about how you're gonna feed your baby or get your car fixed, sometimes it's nice to dwell in the problems of the rich. Oh, no! How are they going to get to the opera with all this traffic? How dare Alex invite Bethenny over with the floors so destroyed? How dare Bethenny introduce LuAnn to the limo driver as anything other than "Mrs de Lesseps"? Fortunate bastards. It's really about Schadenfreude: I enjoy seeing anything that makes these people's lives a bit more difficult. Call me a hater, but it's what makes the world go 'round.

Posted by William @ 4/09/2008 07:23:00 PM
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