So, how is it Natalie and I have such a "Will & Grace" relationship, yet I'm still "Will"? Something isn't quite adding up here. I'm not gay, yet I am definitely Will. Such a perplexing deal...

I think what gets to me is, even though I am loved, there's still a limit to said love. I mean, it can only go so far. And the way she lights up when a girl shows interest...knowing that I can never ignite that kind of spark...it's really....

I always use the whole "Chasing Amy" analogy, but there's a big difference here. In that movie, Holden could've had Alyssa. She was ready to settle with him. It was his own insecurities that thwarted the union. He had achieved the impossible and managed to fuck it up. I, on the other hand, do not have such an option. I have not won Alyssa, nor Amy, nor _____. The chick likes what she likes. Case closed. I can be a dreamer, but the world loves to mock a dreamer.

I dunno. We all knew this was quite the predicament when it began, but I'm still struggling to find some kind of answers in it. I mean, I'm definitely learning a lot about myself, as well as the world around me, but still....

It reminds me of Ada (Newport folks are the only ones who'll understand this). When I used to talk to Ada, her nickname for me was "Girlfriend", 'cause I was her confidant. She could come to me about anything. Which was fine 'cause I didn't have those feelings for her, even though she was HOT TO DEATH. A living Bond girl, I'll tell ya what...

Well, I have that same situation here, but there are feelings. I should be cool, and I should be supportive. I should be the guy she can come to for anything....but when I hear about some girl I've never heard of, I immediately think, "Who's this bitch?!!" And I know I have no right...

And I want her to be happy. And not in that bullshit "I just want you to be happy" kind of way. I mean it. It's just that I guess I want to be happy myself, as well. And "no one's happiness is more important than your own", or so I've heard.

As I sit here typing, I wonder, 'Why did I decide to get all 'Doogie Howser' on here?" I used to blog about TV and pop culture. Now, it's just me, me, me. Don't get me wrong, this is saving me from a future of arthritis, but I think maybe some of this stuff I should keep to myself. Then again, I always say people don't get me....I just feel too vulnerable...but "the show must go on"...I'm such a schizo right now. I guess that's what happens to everyone at 4 AM...

Posted by William @ 8/20/2004 03:50:56 AM
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