So, today was definitely a ME day. I've been telling Natalie that she has to start living for her, but I don't know if I've been following my own advice. My life has become such a clusterfuck as of late. I know you're thinking, "How is this different from any other time?" Well, I guess it's not. I just usually had distractions, such as school, work, that would take my mind off of personal drama.

Now, the personal drama is entangled with school and work, so I have no escape.

One of the sad parts is that i'm losing sight of who I am. I mean, I don't really know what I want, nor what makes me happy. I LOVE comics, right? I mean, I thought I did. I haven't been to my shop in over 2 weeks. Why? Not sure. Didn't feel like it. Didn't have time. Had other stuff going on. I went cold turkey on comics. I never thought I'd do that. I never WANTED to do that. But I did.

And, for some reason, I'm a clothes whore now. I've bought so many clothes recently. H&M clothes, to boot. And I HATE H&M clothes. Who am I? "Where are my friends when I need you most?"

So, today, after a late start, I got out of the house and started walking. About 5 mins after I got out, AKA the point of no return, God decided the Earth needed a bath. It rained like a bastard. And I seriously think it was just to spite me 'cause it kept changing directions, and my trusty umbrella was of no use. In a few minutes, I was soaked, from head to toe, side to ass. Since God and I haven't really been on speaking terms as of late, I wasn't sure if this was a joke or punishment. Oh, I laughed, but it was bitter laughter. So, by the time I got on and off the Metro, the rain had stopped! How funny. It rained only long enough to soak the shit out of me. How quaint! So, I decided I needed my fix, and I had neglected my sweet soalce for too long. I went to my comic shop and tried to find myself again. It was weird. The stuff seemed so familiar, yet somewhat foreign. Anyway, I really just needed to escape to somewhere, for something. So, I figured I needed to laugh. Thinking a movie'd be a good idea, I decided on "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle". No one I know wanted to see it, so I went solo, and LOVED it. Hey, it's not a good movie, but that doesn't mean it's not enjoyable. I love shit. Well, I love tasteless dreck. Now, I can't wait for "Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam"! By this point, it was sunny, and I was soaked and pissed. Sure, I had my comics and I'd seen my movie, but I was pissed. Life still wasn't kosher in my mind. And I didn't know what to do next. In case I haven't explained this yet, I was very lost and very lonely today. That kind of crippling loneliness. You know, the kind you get when it's Autumn and you start thinking about what it means in the literary world. That kind of feeling. So, I thought about therapy. And to me, therapy is karaoke. But of course, you can't Karaoke alone, so I called Lip. But he had too much work. Way to throw the Real World in my face! Kidding, of course (I think; I can't tell anymore). So, I went down to my old stomping ground of DuPont Circle. Got checked out by so many guys, by the carload. I don't know why this is happening. Black guys, to boot. Black women could give two shits about me, but Black men see me as some kinda "get out of jail free card" (That was a poor and tasteless attempt at mixing metaphors; James'll know what I mean).I was gonna check out Karaoke and see if it was hopping, but I had a few minutes, so I checked out Geaorgetown first. I completly forgot there'd been a stabbing until I was crossing the bridge to G-town. Last Sat, some guy was stabbed to death just because he bumped a guy on the sidewalk. "WTF am i doing here?!!!" I thought as I entered G-town. Regardless, I guess I kinda welcomed danger. Anything to make me feel alive. So, I kept walking, and found myself in Urban Outfitters. I hadn't been to one in ages, and had never been to this one. Ended up buying a cute shirt. See? Again with the clothes! It won't make or break my wardrobe, but it's certainly an addition.

That's another problem: debt. When I first started working again, I was BAD with the debt. I ran my Cornell Visa (Yes, I have one; it's about the only school spirit I have) up to about $3,000. I had finally gotten that down almost to $1,900, and now I'm pushing it back up again. It's the whole depression>shopping>buyer's remorse>debt>depression cycle. I've really gotta get ahold of myself in that dept. And I'd been doing so well....

Karaoke hadn't started, and I didn't feel like waiting, so I headed back to the Metro when I saw a familiar guy in a suit. It was LC's own Bill Shurmann. He'd been in DC for an internship, but I had no idea he was still around. I called out to him and told him we needed to hang out before he leaves. Hopefully he'll call. I gave him a card (I really need to stop using those LC business cards!)

On the train, some guy sat next to me and began to talk to me about "The Catcher in the Rye", which he saw I was reading. Usually, I'd have been annoyed because I hate people, especially when I'm trying to mind my own business. Surprisingly, he was a nice old guy. Not annoying at all.

Decided to get off in Slver Spring for good old diner food. my waiter was an asshole, but I kinda took it in stride. I saw it as penance. I'm kind of an asshole at h&M, so it's only fair I deal with one every now and then. When working in the service industry, you always have to ask yourself, "Is this the kind of service I'd like to receive", when ever you're dealing with a customer. So many times, I've answered "No", as I've dealt with my cutomsers, so life decrees it only fair that I get a dose of my own medicine. I can admit my faults...

Finally just got home with Jason Mraz: Waiting For My Rocket To Come, a new shirt, a bunch of comics, but am I happy? No. Had a good talk with Tarek about this stuff today. But am I happy? No. What'll make me happy? I don't know, and it's terrifying and unsettling...

Posted by William @ 8/12/2004 01:18:36 AM
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