Fall of the Round Table

A few months ago, I wrote about how there's no one person who knows everything about me. Instead, I posited that there was more of a round table of people who, together, had a fairly accurate understanding of my psyche. Well, the table has fallen. The House of W is no more.

Let me be clear. I have a best friend. In all certainty, Shelly is my best friend. And that's not lovey-dovey pillow talk lip service. She knows me like no other, and she just "gets" it. While I can get tired of most people, I cant get enough of her. I just want to drink her in. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my guy friends. I had the rational friend, the old school friend, the comics friend, etc. These days, I haven't a clue as to where these people are.

Everyone in my life is going through a crisis right now. We're all 23/24, going through that quarterlife crisis. But most of the people around me have gone into Isolation Mode. Is that common? Am I being weird? I can be a pest and a bitch at times, but I like to surround myself with friends during stressful times. Sure, maybe I bring 'em down, and I'm sorry about that, but I don't run. Tell that to my trusty knights....

One friend hasn't returned any calls or texts in over a month. Not sure what I did there, but his message is getting across. Another friend is tired of the world and The Man making him lie to himself, so he's AWOL. Another friend is constantly out of town. And another friend keeps me worried that he's gonna do something drastic to himself. And the worst part? Half of these people have blogs. So, in essence, they're saying, "Fuck off, but tune in for my post tomorrow."

Now, I can understand if people need time to get over shit, but I was just trying to be a friend. I can honestly say that I didn't instigate most of these separations. But, I find that I'm always expendable in cases like these. For as long as I can remember, especially since senior yr at Cornell, I've been the dangling loose end that everyone ties up when the rest of their life go to shit.

But what about me? I'm not always happy. I'm going through stuff. Who's there for me? To the ones who WILL talk, I have listened to them blame me for their trials, I have listened to their pity parties, I have stood by as they refused help or advice. While being a "listener", I realized that they just wanted to feel sorry for themselves. Hey, we all need that sometimes. "Its my party, and I'll cry if I want to". But am I just supposed to wait until you find yourself? Am I supposed to forget all of the stuff you had the audacity to say or not say to me?

Well, call me a drama queen or whatever, but when people do stuff like this, they're only thinking of themselves. And the same could be said for me. I'm being selfish. But I'd like to talk to someone about the DVD release of He-Man, or how great season 1 of "24" is turning out to be, or the developments in Infinite Crisis, or the fact that I ran into a Class Note the other day. But I'm starting to realize that I'm really just a nice acquaintance. Did I ever have a full table like I thought? When did I become the bad guy, and why do I care so much about people when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated?

Whatever...

Posted by William @ 7/14/2005 09:26:00 PM
permalink | 1 comments

 

1 Comments:

• At 7/15/2005 11:41:16 AM, Anonymous said…

  Reading over the following commentary led me to the conclusion that it sounds angry. It is not angry, simply honest. So with that, please proceed.
  
  Fact of the matter is that regardless of how you have chosen to perceive it, I've never dissapeared. If you had thought to pick up the phone and try me sometime you would have realized that.
  
  I was sitting there trying to figure out which friend I was supposed to be and I'm not even sure I've made the list. You haven't called me once in months, and I responded promptly to the only text message you sent. I'm definately not going to do anything drastic to myself so that's not me either. That leaves me down to two options, either I'm the awol guy or I didn't make the list.
  
  I do hate the man, that is true, but that certainly doesn't make me AWOL. What it does is give me the desire to improve myself so I spend every waking moment doing something I feel enhancing myself. If that means writing articles, studying for exams, helping the community out, watching tv with my sweetheart, busting some games, or chatting on the phone with my friends then I'm all up for it. You won't find a pity party here, only actions. You may perceive my bloggings as such but that's from behind your self-pity veil and not mine. I get upset like everyone else, but I never let it get me down, that's just the way I am.
  
  Alternatively, that wasn't me and I didn't make the list. Well that wouldn't surprise me either. I haven't played a big role in your life in the past two years so it's natural that you've forgotten about me. Hey, no offence taken, and it explains why you never call.
  
  Ok now down to the reason I don't call anymore. Well you said it very well, "One friend hasn't returned any calls...Not sure what I did there, but his message is getting across". Yup, that's it in a nutshell. For our first year out of college I called you an average of 5 times before you would return my calls (I was keeping count), so eventually I took the hint and decided that when it would suit you you would call me. I must note that I didn't stop calling out of anger or frustration, but simply that when I call someone its because I want to talk to someone. If I don't get you 9 out of 10 times I call you, (the 1 out of 5 ratio included the times you called me back), then either a) you don't want to talk to me or b) you're too busy. Either way it makes me want to keep in touch with someone else.
  
  For the love of God I keep better in touch with Will Salcido then I keep with you and you were my best friend. I'm still in touch with a close friend from seventh grade who left after 8th grade. I am remarkably good at keeping in touch with those who want to keep in touch with me. If I lose touch with you and I like you (which I really do), then its not due to a lack of desire on my behalf. I'm probably the least isolated person I know. In fact, the majority of why I created my blog was to communicate with you. You weren't returning my phone calls and I didn't want to lose touch with you so I created something you could relate to, and an easy way that I could update you without taking up too much of your time and letting you do it at your convenience. That is Zwarq's honest truth. Now that I've had the blog for over half a year, its grown into a medium for many of my friends and a nice virtual place to interact, but that's not why I started it.
  
  Take all this as you will. I'm not mad nor have I ever seriously been mad at you. I'm not trying to keep you or anyone else out of my life. If you want to know how I'm doing a simple phone call once in a while will do wonders. If you want me to call you, let me know so and pick up when I call. If you're busy when I call simply say "hey I'm busy let me call you back later". I try and take every call when my phone is switched on.
  
  Ok there's lots more I could say but I'd be beating a dead horse. If you want to talk about this you can email me, call me, leave me a message on my blog, write me (yes I keep in touch with someone through snail mail every week too), or teleport.
  
  One question though, was I the rational one, the old school one or did I not make the list? If I didn't make the list then I guess this comment doesn't really serve a purpose except as a reminder that I still exist and should be counted amongst those not at the table.
  
  T

   

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