"Nobody said it was easy..."

I want to take a step back and get a little personal. I don't like doing the whole "personal blog", but ever now and then I feel the need to keep it real with my homies.

So, I want to take this time to not only apologize to Shelly, but also tell the world how wonderfully she's changed my life over the past year.

You see, I'm apologizing because I have put her through a LOT over the past few months, specifically. I've been a poor man's Danny Bonaduce for years (or, is that redundant?). No real substance abuse (except for 1st semester senior year), but I have been an emotional wreck for MANY years. This is even pre-Cornell. I just mask it with humor. People laugh and say, "Wow, Will is crazy!" and they never bother to dig deeper than that.

But I've needed therapy for a long time. So, after the Cousin Joe debacle of several posts ago, I started getting help. A result of this was that I was prescribed Lexapro. And while I thought it was helping, I went through a phase where I went BATSHIT CRAZY. I mean, crazier than a shit house rat!

First, there was the Wrath of God week. Let's make that weeks. I spent about 2 weeks worrying about my soul and what happens when you die. A lot of this was brought on by the Cousin Joe deal, but I was also just scared. Why? I don't know, but I was scared, and nothing could stop it. All day at work. All night at home. Sleep was the only thing to quell it. I even talked to my mom, who surprisingly, had all the right answers. She didn't deliberately tell me what I wanted to hear but she told me what I NEEDED to hear, which, awesomely, happened to be what I wanted to hear. But even after that, I was crazy. Switched up the meds, kinda calmed down. But that was after I studied Judaism, Kaballah, and others, looking for answers. Yup, I was almost wearing a red thread!

That all led me to insecurity week. There, I spent the whole time worrying about my lack of future, and how this would prevent me from fitting into Shelly's family. My problem is that I can't work through this stuff on my own. I have to say them out loud, even if just to hear how stupid these fears may sound. But there's a such thing as too much truth. I was scared that I wasn't really going places, and while I have a good past, I've not been to optimistic about the future. I have an Al Bundy complex: "4 touchdowns in a single game." I still long for the glory days of a cappella. So, yes, I have a job, and a car, and an apartment I don't even live in, I still feel like a failure. So, in that instant, I forget about prep school, Russia, Cornell, and every other milestone. Instead, I find myself to be Tyrone, who's one drug-deal away from welfare. Sad, ain't it? The only projects in my life were science projects, yet all my confidence and security went out the window.

I have a fear of failure and a fear of success, and lately, these problems have just been exacerbated. And i was in a "Why do you love me?" kind of place. I mean, I was hella curious, but there's nothing worse than a man without confidence. I was a step away from "Please, don't cheat on me." No, I'm sure I said that, too.

Either way, I have been a clusterfuck of neuroses and emotion, and I got to a point where I was even ashamed of myself. So, in a sense, I think I was pushing her away. I have a problem of doing that. I compartmentalize, and when one part of my life goes bad, I try to close off and only focus on it. I knew it had gone too far when she asked "Have you always been like this?" It was that moment of clarity when I realized "I no longer resemble the person she thought she knew." Yeah, I've been depressed off and on, but I had hit a new low, and I was ashamed of myself, and ashamed that I had brought her along for the ride.

But through it all, she has stood by me. She really does cheer me up, and she is THE most wonderful person I have ever had in my life (Yup, sorry Tarek).Why does she do it? 'Cause she loves me. And for that, God bless her, 'cause I KNOW it ain't easy! But I love her more than I thought I could love another person, and she really helps me more than she realizes. She makes me want to be a better person. No, she makes me feel like a great person, but one who's always trying to improve. I may seem bad, but I know I'd be a lot worse off without her. That doesn't make it right,but it's an observation. When I get scared of the future, she reassures me that everything will be OK, and I know that she means it. She doesn't say it because "it's the thing to say". She says it because she honestly believes it, and is committed to it. Even though I am scared, and am uncertain, I KNOW that a certain aspect of my future is already taken care of. And the weight is off, because I don't have to move mountains or cure hunger, I just have to do the best I can, and that will be enough. I just have to try. And she gives me what I need to try. I'm sorry there are times when I don't realize that. But I just wanted to say it, to let her, and the 3 other people reading this site, know how I felt. I'm sorry for the headaches, babe, but I thank you and love you more than I can express!

Posted by William @ 10/25/2005 08:26:00 PM
permalink | 0 comments

 

0 Comments:

Post a Comment