"An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world that's worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I know every inch of this cell. This cell knows every inch of me. Except one."

This is my 500th post. Normally, when a blogging milestone comes along, I try to see what kind of adventure life will throw at me that deserves documentation. I look for crazy people on the streets, weird pop culture references, or just hidden stupid tales from my life that might give you a chuckle. Well, this is not that post. This may be the most serious post I've written. It's something that I need to share, in print, because I really haven't been able to vocalize it properly. So, please bear with me, and then we can get back to the regularly scheduled programming.

In the 70's, Bill Cross created the "Cross Model of Minority Identity Development". I'm not going to give a lecture, but he basically said that minorities lived in a cocoon until they experienced an encounter which changed their worldview. This encounter is different for each person, but they're never able to look at the world the same once it happens. I'm sure that the people in the Africana department, who always joked that I was "so white", would be glad to know that I've had my encounter.

Recently, I accompanied a friend as they visited with family. Now, I was apprehensive because I knew that one relative would be present, and this particular relative has never been even remotely welcoming to me. In the past, I would vocalize my apprehension beforehand, which would result in a possible argument, and more unnecessary tension. But this time, I decided to keep it inside and hope for the best. It was all in my head, right? This guy didn't dislike ME. He just disliked everyone because he was an old curmudgeon. My friend even told me this. So, I figured I was the victim of a sense of age discrimination. Mr Smith was too old to learn new people, so I had missed the boat. That's fine. But there were too many clues that he was going out of his way to dislike me. Especially when I'd see him meet other people, for the first time, and be friendlier than a whore on payday.

I met Mr. Smith over a year ago, and I can say that the "relationship" has degenerated from "nothing" to "malice". When I first met him, I went to shake his hand, and he just kind of grunted at me. "He's losing his hearing," my friend reassured me. It was a lot of work for him to interact with people. Umm..OK. I grew up with old folks, so I could understand that. But then, for the first time, he used what would become his signature move: the disappearing act. Whenever festivities end, he has to go to the bathroom. And he pretty much stays until he thinks I'm gone. Oh, it's all in my head, you say? Then, why is it when I leave, he's peering out the window at me, sullen? He ain't my daddy, so I know it's not him longing for missing out on my childhood. I turn and wave, but he continues to glare. I've put up with this on a handful of occasions, but recently, he upped the ante.

Recently, as I was saying, I went with my friend to visit with Mr. Smith. We entered the house, and I immediately felt uneasy. Mrs. Smith was there, and she was quite friendly. I reached to take her hand, and she kissed my cheek. "This might not be so bad," I thought, as my anxiety slightly waned. Then, Mr. Smith appeared in the doorway. I let him greet my friend first, since they were relatives, but I was determined to make this guy like me. I stepped forward, extended my hand, and asked, "How are you, Mr. Smith." His mouth kind of twisted as he looked at my hand. Now follow this sequence. He hesitantly shook my hand, wiped his hand on his shirt, and proceeded to go wash his hands in the bathroom. He shook my hand and washed it off. HE. FUCKING. SHOOK. MY. HAND. AND. WASHED. IT. OFF.

I have NEVER...I've been all over the world, and dealt with a lot of things. I have a house in Alabama, I grew up in a white Republican church, and my fucking college essay was about my experience being black in the former Soviet Union, but I have NEVER encountered an asshole such as this man. And what gets me is that I can't even begin to describe what he truly is. I feel almost as if there is no word to describe how this man has treated me. I didn't want to "play the race card". Maybe the earring scared him. Maybe my goatee threatened him. But I never wanted to zero in on it being about race.

The worst part, and the reason I have difficulty discussing it, is that it hurt me. It didn't anger me. It hurt me to my core. I have never been shone as "dirty". I have never had the most self-esteem, but in one gesture, I was made to feel like half a person. And it hurts. I can't even be mad because there's too much emotion for it to be simple "anger". For years, I'd think of J and wonder, "Why is he SO mad? What could have him so angry?" But, not to put words in his mouth, but maybe he's NOT angry. Maybe he's hurt. Maybe he's seen hands washed so many times that all he can feel is hurt. It's worse than any break-up, worse than any mourning.

Mr. Smith doesn't even know me. I am an Ivy League graduate, who's never done drugs, never been in any sort of trouble, and I'm good to my friend, his relative. But instead, I'm just some dirty nigger. "Why'd you say 'nigger', Will? Why not 'black person'?" Well, I ask you, is there a distinction to a racist? I could go off and defend my country, something that I know means a lot to him, and I'd still be that dirty nigger.

So, I'm sure you're wondering, "What happened next?" Well, nothing. I mean, I wish I could've done something, but it's one of those "hindsight is 20/20" moments. You're so stunned by the sheer audacity, that you kinda have to catch your breath. Minutes later, we left. My friend apologized for Mr. Smith's actions, but it wasn't their place to apologize; they didn't do anything. I'm sure they were embarassed and whatnot, but they were not to blame. Nor could I convey what I was feeling. Nor would an apology even suffice, from any party involved.

I'd heard these people were out there, but I wondered "why?" What makes a person so nasty? Sure, you may not care for people. Hell, I dislike everyone every now and then. Sadly, it's human, but I make sure they never know it. Feelings pass, but this gesture was uncalled for. Would it have been so hard for him to grin and bear it? I'd have been gone in minutes. Is that the legacy he wants to leave behind? Most of his relatives seem shocked by these actions, so what is it about me, what do I remind him of, to make him act this way? Am I worth him ruining the positive image that he's cultivated amongst his loved ones for so long? Mainly, where does something like this come from?

I don't mean to be melodramatic. Most of you who know me know that I can be quite the drama queen. But in all honesty, my world hasn't been the same since that day. It still hurts, but it also doesn't. I kind of can't feel. I try to put on a happy face, but it's forced, and the people close to me keep asking, "What's wrong?" The problem is that many of them would not be able to handle the truth. And I can't really discuss the matter without wanting to cry. Sure, not very masculine, but you have no idea what that's like. And if you do know, then, I'm sorry. I never knew. But I know now.

Posted by William @ 5/31/2006 08:37:00 PM
permalink | 12 comments

 

12 Comments:

• At 6/01/2006 10:43:03 PM, Austin said…

  Will, nice 500th...heavy can be good, too.
  
  Austin

   

• At 6/02/2006 03:40:06 AM, Kathi Edwards said…

  The one with the problem is he.
  
  That cross model is interesting. I believe I've experienced it as a handicapped person, which I suppose counts as a minority. There must be also a degree to which all children experience this, when they discover they are not the center of everyone else's universe, but that probably happens too young to remember.

   

• At 6/05/2006 02:51:20 PM, James said…

  This post has been removed by the author.

   

• At 6/05/2006 02:53:12 PM, James said…

  Honestly Will, restraint expresses maturity and wisdom.
  
  .....
  
  But I can't say that the urge to cut off that elderly hand with an axe a la Jack Bauer in Season 3 of 24 would have been out of line from your perspective. As someone who's endured similar slights (Southern crackers are wonderful Americans, huh?) I recognize the conflicting feelings of rage and disgust and pain that naturally emerge after such an inhumane incident.
  
  The point, however, is that bigots like Mr. Smith will never recognize your humanity, because they have none of their own. You know that. So don't allow that sinister stereotyping to bother you any longer. It's not healthy.
  
  Further, your friend needs serious help. Placing you in such an anti-Black situation is not justified, no matter how close your friend may be to Mr. Smith. And why did your friend apologize after the fact? Did anyone challenge Mr. Smith's dripping racism as it happened?
  
  When a race moment like that occurs, you've already been victimized by unneeded prejudice from the first moment. You are the one with the melanin. Because you can't rewrite history and save yourself from the stress of being called a nigger by someone else's words and actions, my only advice is to make every person involved pay for their prejudice for me, a total scorched earth policy.
  
  At the end of the day, the problem for everyone else is that you might have a justified crazy nigger moment, and the mainstream doesn't want that unless they can package it in a G-Unit album. That's why the family members make those bullshit half-hearted excuses for Mr. Smith's obvious racism. So you have no allies, no supporters. And you don't have to leave until you've hurt everyone else there. Say whatever you have to to hurt those subhumans before you leave the battlefield. Your self-respect deserves no less. Surprise can get you killed.
  
  But never go home angry Will. Then, Mr. Smith wins.

   

• At 6/15/2006 03:56:59 PM, gatamala said…

  James -"Further, your friend needs serious help. Placing you in such an anti-Black situation is not justified, no matter how close your friend may be to Mr. Smith."
  
  "Friend" what a loaded concept....like it or not, having non-Black (particularly White) friends can be complicated.
  
  Will...You must decide to harshly judge your standards as to what is acceptable for friendship. A true friend not only would have not brought you into that situation and let it go unchecked, but would seriously considered the need and decency of such a relationship. Someone who is truly worthy of being a friend would understand how wrong and hurtful that situation is.
  
  I worked in a grocery store in Raleigh, NC during high school.
  
  I remember holding my hand on the conveyer belt to accept change and a few old, white people would put the money on the conveyer belt - right next to my open hand.
  
  It hurts, but at the same time, you do realize that the same kinds of people who spit on children wanting to go to school grew up and had kids of their own don't you???
  
  My point is that you should not be too surprised by this.
  
  I always console myself with the fact that those old, hateful white folks are mortal. They are not long for this Earth, and I will not be sad to see them go.

   

• At 6/15/2006 04:22:45 PM, Anonymous said…

  family is tricky. consider that perhaps you don't have the entire story before suggesting that the 'friend' need serious help.

   

• At 6/15/2006 08:32:40 PM, James said…

  Gatamala - You are totally right about the complications. I feel you. Hell, my White friends navigate mental minefields whenever I enter a room with their White friends and family.
  
  What's James gonna say next? ... Will James make a comment that will make folk uncomfortable? ... James, don't pimpslap my Grandma...she old... James? James!
  
  Still, if a person really cares about you, they won't knowingly place you in settings where it's possible you'll be disrespected or attacked or hurt, White, Black, Asian, Latino, or Martian green. That's where the complication ends.
  
  Anonymous - Will's friend needs serious help. Deal.
  
  It's that simple. You simply don't put people of color in racist situations and then pooh-pooh the results. Hell, I really hope Will's "friend" reads this blog post to expose him or herself to a small representation of the abject pain that scene caused Will.

   

• At 6/15/2006 09:37:57 PM, William said…

  You know, when I first posted this, I didn't want a reaction. I honestly didn't. I did it because I couldn't discuss it and I still rarely do. But my shrink thought it was a good idea, and it felt good to get some of this stuff out. Now, for the first batch of you that responded, thank you. I appreciate your kind words. But this really wasn't for glamour. When I wrote it, I didn't even think I had a readership anymore. But I didn't care. I needed to get it out.
  
  Now, I think we have a problem. Had this been a livejournal, I probably would've made the thing "private".
  I think most people have fallen into a predictable trap. Just like me, it becomes impossible for you to find the words to describe the man. It's just such a heinous act on his part. But in your inability to peg him, you turn your attention on the friend. Hindsight is 20/20, but even now, I can't expect anything from the friend since I didn't even know what to do myself.
  
  Gatamala...welcome. Glad to have ya onboard. But right now, you hold as much clout with me as a Jenny Jones audience member. I guess you found me through Reappropriate. I'm truly honored to be linked by Jenn 'cause she's a mover and a shaker in the blog community. More than that, she's my friend. But I didn't really like the fact that you probably found my blog because of a link in a post about a topic which I find very meaningful. As joking as it sounds, Loving Day means a lot to me. I can respect that others don't care about it, but I didn't feel that they were respectful to me. I'm very sorry for your experiences, and I can't imagine what that must've been like, but call me a Pollyanna 'cause I can't get onboard with the "you should not be too surprised by this" notion. I'm not ready to give up yet.
  
  James, I appreciate the vigor, but I get it; you'd have punched the old dude out. I'm not you. But I find it odd that we've had this very conversation over the years, and in similar situations, you were appreciative that the guy had been direct with you. Hey, I wish I could get down with that, but I can't. And I don't remember you thinking your friend needed help. I get where you're coming from. But now you wanna root this person out and them the riot act. I've heard it from others, saying "His family knew he was a racist, so why did they put you in that situation?" Well, I'm a "benefit of the doubt" kind of kid. And even I didn't have overt clues. I pieced it all together, Hardy Boys-style, as I wrote that post.
  
  The thrust of it is not what the friend did or didn't do. We could go there, but what would it accomplish? We've all been through scenarios where someone called us a name or insulted our race, and we didn't immediately know how to deal with it. I can post links if anyone doubts me.
  
  I'm saying that I appreciate the words, but it's over. I wasn't tricked or punk'd. My friend didn't invite me to get Klan points. Believe it or not, a true friend would not voluntary put you in that situation, and I believe that this was unintentional. Shit happens. Have I forgotten it? No. But I have to go on with my life and learn from it. And I think it's time that everyone else moved on from this. 'Cause believe it or not, this doesnt help anything. I'd delete the thing, but it doesn't deserve that, and I've never deleted a post in my life. I don't really plan to talk about this again, so let's hope this is my final word on the matter...

   

• At 6/16/2006 03:28:00 AM, James said…

  Do what you want.

   

• At 6/19/2006 03:06:16 PM, gatamala said…

  ummmmmm Will sweetie, I didn't find you through the Loving Day post, merely through jenn's links. What Loving Day (as pathetic as I believe it to be) has to do with my post is beyond me. Did you even comment on it???
  
  I realize you hurt over your friend's thoughtlessness and inaction, but you really need to deal with the issue (your friend, I mean, not his fam) and not react with nasty comments to people who respond to something you posted on the fuckin' Internet.

   

• At 6/19/2006 03:06:19 PM, gatamala said…

  ummmmmm Will sweetie, I didn't find you through the Loving Day post, merely through jenn's links. What Loving Day (as pathetic as I believe it to be) has to do with my post is beyond me. Did you even comment on it???
  
  I realize you hurt over your friend's thoughtlessness and inaction, but you really need to deal with the issue (your friend, I mean, not his fam) and not react with nasty comments to people who respond to something you posted on the fuckin' Internet.

   

• At 6/20/2006 03:28:07 PM, Jenn said…

  Interesting that I seem to have unwittingly caused such a hullabaloo. I know that this post was intensely emotional, but the reason I linked it to the Loving Day post was precisely because I felt that those who considered the Loving Day phenomenon should consider how everyday racism can and does have nothing to do with it. Here was an intense story that was not, in any way, going to be fixed by interracial coupling, and moreover it was moving. To that end, I wanted to direct people to read this and perhaps reconsider their thoughts on racism in general and Loving Day in particular.
  
  That being said, Will, I'm sorry if you felt invaded by the link. I do think, however, that as distasteful as James and gatamala's words might seem, they are worth considering. True, no one here knows the history of the situation, but they speak out of genuine concern for you. James and gatamala both reacted similarly: they read your words and wished that the pain evoked in you could have been avoided. They wondered what your friend knew in advance, and whether you had confronted that person on how the situation could have been altered to help you. They wanted to make sure you were remembering that you don't deserve this kind of treatment. In other words, they care about you -- I don't suggest biting that hand, even if you disagree because you have a different perspective on the situation.
  
  I dislike that James' treatment of racism has been so extremely characterized. While he has said that he deals with such situations in a "scorch the earth" policy, he's not a cannonball waiting to go off, the quintessential angry black man-imal. He's certainly not walking around punching old men, nor do I think he would advocate such treatment in this case.
  
  Ultimately, I agree that you should process this situation in the way that you feel is most comfortable. However, I think your therapist was right in suggesting that you write it out, if only to gain a better perspective in this incident. Everyone deals with racism differently, and you and James seem to deal with it in polar opposite fashion, but I don't think that makes one technique any less valid than the other.
  
  I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks. What you choose to do with it is on you, just remember that whatever you decide, your friends have and will continue to fundamentally support you.

   

Post a Comment