24th Jan2012

An Open Letter to Octavia Spencer & Viola Davis Regarding The 2012 Academy Awards

by Will

Dear Ms Spencer & Ms Davis,

First off, allow me to congratulate you on your nominations for the 2012 Oscars. While I have yet to see The Help, all of my white friends tell me that it’s “A-MAH-zing”. I guess that means that they really liked it. Now, I realize that we’re a few decades removed from the Civil Rights Movement, but sadly many of us are still seen as representations for our entire race. This is especially true when we are on a public stage. So, while I sincerely applaud your talent, I do have to make one small request: should you win, PLEASE do not do anything stupid on your way to the podium. I figured this was a good time to go over some award show etiquette.

DON’T give your award away to some random old dude who doesn’t even know who you are.

 

Jack Lemmon was in Grumpy Old Men! He don’t need yo’ award!

DON’T go kiss Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper up there on stage!

Y’all forgot this, didn’t you? You know something’s up when Mr. Tibbs himself has a look on his face like, “Denzel better let go of that white woman.” Check out the clip on YouTube and look at Russell Crowe’s face. I’m surprised we didn’t have riots the day after this. Nah, we were too busy bootlegging Training Day tapes from Blockbuster.

DON’T lost your shit onstage. There’s something to be said about humility:

Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech by

Do you know how hard it was to find an embeddable clip of that moment? The Gooding Hollywood Influence goes strong!

Finally, once you’ve got your Oscar in hand, DON’T take any and every job that comes your way

Ease up a little. Show some restraint. After all, you’re representing us all.

So, now that we’ve got that out of the way, can I hold $100? Just email me or whatever.

Your pal,

Will

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