So, this morningI renewed my URL. Yes, folks: www.williambrucewest.com will be back for Season 2, starting in February.

Don't worry. Until then, you'll still get your daily dose of Big WIllie Style goodness, but February's gonna bring some surprises.

We're working on a new format. I'm finally gonna do something with that "Database" section. There'll be new cast members. New plot twists. And dare we say, new job?!!!

Tune in Feb '05, 'cause www.williambrucewest.com is gonna be the place to be!

In the meantime, today was monumental in the Westverse. Ju-wan got fired and Bruce quit. My people are leaving! I swear, if Brandy quits, it's all over. I've said it once and I'll say it again: H&M store #71 is going to be an entirely different place come February. Will I stay around to witness the changes? Stay tuned...

On the bright side,...I love you, Shelly :-)

P.S. Thanks to all of you who used some form of modern communication to wish me a Happy Birthday! As I've hinted, my birthday pretty much sucked like an asthmatic on an inhaler. Shelly singlehandedly saved the day, but I appreciate the kind words from those of you who contacted me!

Posted by William @ 12/31/2004 01:37:01 AM
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Today's Episode: "Where There's a Will, There Ain't Apparently A Way..."

So, in terms of occupation, I'm totally wasting my life. I mean, this has been brewing for awhile, but it's finally catching up to me. I feel like I'm doing nothing worthwhile, professionally.

I need to go back to school. I KNOW this. But for what? I think about law school, but I really just wanna be able to call myself "a lawyer". I call that my "Star Jones Complex". I don't know if I really want to practice law, but I'd like to be able to if I felt in the mood one morning. I think I'd make a good lawyer. You know, the Matlock kind who totally pulls something out of his ass to save the day at the last minute. I'd be a wildcard lawyer. People wouldn't really come to me unless they needed a miracle. And in my spare time, I'd be a legal consultant to "Inside Edition". Man, that'd be the life!

Next, I think about grad school. But what would I go for? I'm kinda done with the whole "head games" field. Yeah, Human Dev was fun and all, but it didn't exactly hone my mutant powers. It's like going to Xavier's and, after 15 yrs, still blasting holes in walls everytime you wake up in the morning. I was naturally gifted in reading people. Textbooks didn't teach me that. Sure, I could spend thousands MORE to become certified in reading people, or I could go out on a limb, and try something new.

I think I'd be great in government. Politics. Seriously. I LOVE some good muckraking, and I make a good "#2". No, you sickos, I don't mean "shit". I mean, I'm a good "man behind the man." I'd love to be a campaign manager or something one day, but for now, I'd really enjoy being a "cog in the wheel", as long as I could see that my work was worthwhile and contributing to something important. I'm all about the policy reform. As dumb as it sounds, I'd LOVE to be a Capitol Hill staffer right now. And it'd only be better for you readers, 'cause we've all learned how entertaining blogs of Hill staffers can be (google "Washingtonienne")

In college, people like Jennine used to talk about celebrities, such as Craig David, and lament, "He's our age." This was meant as, "Why aren't we totally celebrities or something?" At the time, I just brushed it off, as "Everything in its time." But now, I'm starting to feel the same way.

When will my ship come in? Do I even HAVE a ship? Are my reservations in "3rd class steerage" like all those peasants who drowned on the Titanic?!!

It's hard, 'cause I know pseudo-celebrities. I went to high school with four current NBA players (Jamison Brewer, Roger Mason, Rodney White, and Demarr Johnson). I had Entomology @ Cornell with a lingerie model (http://www.summerrayne.net). I swear, these better not be the 5 people I meet in Heaven, 'cause I am seriously asking for a transfer!

I just wonder, do I have some special talent I'm not exploiting? I feel like my best performance is ahead of me and not behind, but what form will it take? What am I supposed to be doing?

PLEASE someone help me!!! I mean it. Use the "comments" section. Use the guestbook. E-mail. I don't care. Suggestions, people!

"I'm not a praying man, but...Superman, if you can hear me..."

Posted by William @ 12/30/2004 01:06:33 AM
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Random Thoughts of the Day:

-What's the deal with Anna Nicole since she got on Trimspa? I mean, this chick has NEVER been known as "thin". Even when she was in Playboy, she was delectably "thick". But now, she's hardly recognizable, and I ain't likin' it so much...

-CAN'T WAIT for 24! 2 more weeks...

-I have the BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER. Singlehandedly made my birthday worthwhile!

-Tarek's gonna kill me if I keep posting about "Special Tarek Time" in his "comments" section (http://www.livejournal.com/users/palaedorian). GOOD! That's what he gets for waging war on me and mine!

-When dealing with crazy/socially-inept people, at what point do you cease the "smile and nod" and simply run in the other direction? I seriously feel like I'm gonna be witness to a situation of Columbine proportions soon...

-So, Queer Eye for the Straight Girl starts up next week. You know, if Bravo continues on this "TLC Model", it's only a matter of time before...brace yourselves: Queer Eye Kids! I CAN'T WAIT! Just think of it, a kids choir singing "All things just keep gettin' better!"

It'll be GREAT!

Fabber: "Before going off to daycare, don't forget to 'zsuj' your sleeves!"
Kid: "MOMMY!!!! This girl-guy's scaring me!!"

To Be Continued...

Posted by William @ 12/29/2004 01:55:01 PM
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"God bless the mister
who comes 'tween me
and my sister.

And God bless the sister
who comes 'tween me and my man!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!! :-)

Posted by William @ 12/25/2004 08:32:25 PM
permalink | 0 comments

 

Today's Episode: "Dangling Plotlines Revealed"

Everyone seems to have a "Quarterlife Crisis" post, so I figured I'd weigh in. You're about to learn some things I haven't really discussed herer before.

So, a year ago today, I had a nervous breakdown. Was it medically diagnosed? No. But I know enough to know what a nervous breakdown entails; I was a psych major. I had all of the symptoms. I wasn't hospitalized or anything...that came about a month later.

You see, coming back home was the hardest transition I've ever had to make. I've been to Russia, France, Italy, The Today Show...I've been all of these places, but I still wound up back at home. Who's fault was that? Well, we'll get to that. The bottom line was that I'd experienced life and seen the world, but when the dust settled, I was back in the same bed, looking at the same War of 1812 wallpaper that I'd grown up within. It's sort of hard to see where you're going when you can't truly convince yourself that you've been anywhere.

I didn't look for work while a senior. That would've been the smart thing to do, but I was more interested in grades. I had "majored" in a cappella for the first two yrs, and my grades went to shit. Junior yr, I decided to focus more on school. Part of that was probably because Jennine was a freakin' braniac, and I felt insecure as "the dumb guy". Was I dumb? By no means, but I sure wasn't a shining Cornellian. Nothing like good old envy & competition to remind you how unsatisfied you are...

Since my grades had declined during the first two yrs, my goal was simply to graduate with a 3.0. Not that hard, right? I mean, for all practical purposes, it was a "B". I was totally an "A" student in high school, so a little more work would do the trick, right? Wrong. Those 4 semesters kicked my ass. Did I improve? Yes, but I focused more on closing Cornell out the right way, rather than investing in life after Cornell.

Did I get my 3.0? No. I got a 2.97. For goodness, sake! a 2.97! I worked like I'd never worked before, but what was I left with? I missed my goal, and I didn't have a job.

What did I want to do with my life? Well, I think I took the easy approach: I wanted to do something concerning my interests. I loved toys, so....you get the picture. I was gonna work in the toy industry. Yup, just like "Big". That was going to be my job. Did i ever really think I'd get said job? Not sure. I mean, I've pretty much gotten everything I've wanted. I'm an only child. We're spoiled. I had certainly painted an image in my head of pursuing that career, but can I really say I tried?

I need support. I hate it, but I deal on external attention. I feel that I would've been great in the toy industry, but no one else seemed to think so. I had NO support. Maybe people felt, "Oh, he's just chasing a foolish dream." Either way, no one was in my corner.

I came home, and my family just ignored any goals I had. All I heard was, "You need to work in the federal government!" Day in and day out. That's all they had known. They couldn't have survived private industry, so they took the easy road. They wanted to act as if they were all about "job security", but mainly they wanted me to take the "safe route". They didn't really have faith in any of my ideas. I SO wish I was a stronger person, but I can't say that I am. That truly affected me...

I'd hear my mother talk on the phone. Everyone would call, asking, "What's William doing? Does he have a job?" I'd hear her launch into this little spiel about, "Well, he wants to work in the toy industry..." but her inflection clearly stated that she was belittling the whole thing. She's all I've had for all of these yrs, and she has no faith in me. That hurt.

All of this kept building, from October to December. Day in and day out. All they did was guilt me that I wasn't doing more. reminding me that I'd "gone up to Cornell." I can't tell you have much that bothered me. It's not like I really had a choice. I HAD to go to Cornell. Yes, great school, but didn't know what I'd do with it. It was a blessing and a curse. Insecurity issues...

So, here's why this is all so bad. Wanna know a secret? Wanna know my biggest fear? My biggest fear is that my mother will die before I'm completely independent. Yes, I'm 22 and it's sad that I don't know how to do a lot of things, but acknowledging that is the first step to solving the problem. Anyway, a lot of people may have this fear, but how many of them have a 66 yr old mother? Yes, you can go at anytime, but the older you get, the more likely the odds. I have a mother and two aunts who are all 60+. Let's face facts: I'm going to be alone one day. We all are. But will that day be soon? If so, I'm not ready.

Don't get me wrong. I don't LIKE being dependent. I want SO BADLY to be independent. I want to know the experience of driving your own car. Of returning from work to your own, quiet apartment. I want to experience stumbling home at night and not worrying about waking up anybody. I didn't like where my life was. I was too old for this. I've done too much, and lived too much, to go back to this. This was all of the stuff that was boiling inside of me for those long months.

I have been chided and protected from everything, but also at the cost of my own individuality. Who am I? I don't know. I have been living for other people for SO LONG> There are people who say, "Be your own person, etc". But it's not that simple. I can't just shrug these people off. But they expected SO much of me. It was too much to handle. I only knew who I was expected to be. And I did my best to fulfill that role. What did I want? I think I was bothered by the fact that my father wasn't here to offer either a pro or con. Were mommy and the aunts pushing me in the right direction? Sometimes, you need to a good "con" to appreciate how good the "pros" are. But there was no one to offer that con.

So, that's what kicked it off. I miss my dad. How? Not sure. Didn't really know him. And that's the point. I don't know what I got from his side of the family. Is that where the insecurity comes from? Is that why I'm initially shy with people? Since I wasn't getting what I needed from those around me, I kinda retreated into a "What Would Daddy Do?" mindset. This was bad because I had no clue what Daddy would do. So, I got even more lost. Neglected the approval of the living, I sought the approval of the dead. Sooner or later, it turned into "What would Grandaddy do?" or "what would Pam and Doyle do?" (For the record, they're my half-sib...or at least, they would've been). Anyway, they were all dead. Not the healthiest of circumstances.

After that longwinded rant, I guess I should focus on December 22, 2003. What happened that day? Well, I had hit bottom. And my birthday was coming up, and I was nowhere I wanted my life to be. I guess it's nobody's fault but mine. But I was lost and had no direction. So, I just kinda blew up. Exploded. Can't describe it. I had been volatile for some months, and Mommy felt I needed medication, but at this point is was very Me vs. Them. They all wanted their lives easier, I felt, which is why they wanted me on medication. I kept telling myself, "They are the crazy ones!"

But I just...I want to write about this, but I can't. Not because I don't want to share, but it really can't be written. You truly had to be there. But it was not pretty. And I just kind of went off on Mommy about how I was here because of her. She'd never let me learn to do for myself. I didn't know how to do a damn thing for myself, and it was only a matter of time before she'd leave me like Daddy did. It destroyed me that i was SO helpless. But I never created that model. I'm a loner. I could've and would've learned how to get on by myself, had I not been robbed of the chance. I never asked people to do for me, and I've never been lazy, expecting them to do for me. But I wasn't given the chance, so I never learned. The beauty of this whole phase of life was Mommy, who had been the czar, tried to adopt this tough-love, fend for yourself attitude that just didn't gel. I have lived for her for 22 years, and it seems like it's all for show sometimes. Yes, she's proud, but how much of this stuff would I have done if not forced. yeah, I've had some great experiences, but I've also had some bad. How the fuck was I supposed just up and cold turkey do for myself, when I knew nothing? Yes, many people do this all the time, but it was so unchracteristic for her. As sick as I may have been, I definitely feel it was two-sided. She was neither supportive nor encouraging about the whole sitaution.

So, after the emotional eruption, the likes of which I'd never endured prior, we talked. I mean, really talked. We got to the bottom of a lot of this stuff I'd never shared. And she promised we'd work through all of this. She didn't know how deeply my fear of abandonment ran. Here's an example of how bad it is: I don't let anyone of them call me before noon. Why? Because they're all late sleepers. Anytime I kept a phone call in the morning, I say to myself, 'Brace yourself. This is gonna be that call." It may sound crazy, but you've never been me.

During this talk, we made a promise that we were going to change all of this. We'd work through it together and help me come to some new understanding. Well, that was December 22, 2003. But it was FAR from over.

Now, he we are, one yr later. But why do I feel in the same place? Ys, I have great people and things in my life, but why so unfulfilled? Why is this supposed to be so hard? People like to say, "You'll look back on this and laugh", but I doubt it. You laugh about the time you farted in church. This, this is not a laughing matter. Has anything improved? Yes, many things. But why don't I feel as if I'm making ANY progress?

I hope this hasn't changed the way any of y'all thought about me, but it needed to be said. Don't get me wrong. I'm much better now, and I love my family to death; don't think this was an attack at them. It just explains what happened during what I've referred to as my "blogging hiatus". I was gonna give it up. Had nothing to say, and life was going nowhere. One year later, blog's in pretty good shape. Amazing girlfriend. But the rest of me...

Sorry for the downer. Tomorrow, I'll return to posts about chipmunk death penalties and the joys of Baywatch. You know, the stuff I'm famous for...

Posted by William @ 12/22/2004 11:09:38 PM
permalink | 5 comments

 

"'Fra-gi-le'...it must be French!"

So, as you can see, there are some changes afoot. I'd like to thank Jenn for putting aside grad apps to work on my site. i swear, my hold over women is...nonexistent. It's just a testment to what begging can get you on a cold winter's night. Yeah, I begged...what of it?

So, we've got a fresh, new blog. And now you can leave comments. 'Cause SO many of my posts deserve audience participation, and y'all seem afraid of the guestbook. Don't worry, the guestbook is still an option, but let's have us some comment action on the main board!

We also have a new color scheme. The old one was...how do you say? Gay? Yes, gay. I love me some baby blue, but after a yr of that motif, it was time for a change.

Speaking of a yr, our anniversary is coming up. I'll bet you're saying, 'But we just had an anniversary!". Well, that was the one yr anniversary of my blog, which originated in the old days as "The World According to a Russian Exchange Student." This upcoming anniversary celebrates the yr since williambrucewest.com was christened and the blog was given a new home.

Since all these poseurs and imitators have arisen, I decided it was time to step it up a notch. I'm the OB: original blogger! I keeps it real! So, Tarek, how's that livejournal shit working out for you now? What's that? I guess you can't respond seeing as how you haven't posted in 4 days!!! I believe the e-beef is done, and I am the master Chef!

Enjoy the new site, y'all!

"Celebration, bitches! C'mere, Cholly Muphy!"

Posted by William @ 12/21/2004 01:49:49 AM
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"I am Colin: god of sex!"

First off, I'd like to thank Karlos, for he's the only person playing my little Christmas quote game. He's good. I've gotten two e-mails from him already. Any of y'all can join in. It ain't like it's rocket science! Anydangways...

So, my mom's in this nouveau cult called the Red Hats. Apparently, a bunch of old broads over 50 get together for social functions etc. There are a couple of guidelines, such as they must wear purple dresses along with their red hats. The whole organization's like an old-head sorority. There are different chapters, and some are a lot more distinguished than others. At the moment, she's kinda disappointed because her chapter isn't exactly "up to par". She feels as if she's slumming, but a good friend from work invited her. Regardless, she's currently scouting better, more well-to-do chapters to join. My point? Well, there's a funny story here.

Today, getting ready for church, I noticed she had on the purple dress, and I HATE that dress. It's SO unflattering. So, I told her she looked like Grimace. Yup, "what-in-the-world-is-he-'cause-Mcdonald's-doesn't-serve-anything-purple" Grimace. Dismayed, she asked, "Couldn't you have at least said 'Barney'?"

"Nope," I replied. "See, you've got a teardrop shape going on, kinda like an eggplant. And that's PURE Grimace."

But it gets better: I made a song out of it. The following is sung to the tune of Nat King Cole's Christmas song, "Caroling".

Caroling, caroling through the town
Mommy looks like Grimace
Caroling, caroling up and down
Mommy looks like Grimace

With her red shoes, hat, and coat
She will run just like a goat

Ding, Dong
Ding, Dong
Mommy looks like Grimace

Hey, I thought it was funny...

Posted by William @ 12/19/2004 02:45:14 PM
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Today's Episode: "Where's My 'Melissa'?"

So, recently, I've been thinking about friends...You know, what they mean, who they truly are, etc. A lot of us throw around the term "friend", but is it always accurate? A lot of the time, these people are acquaintances. Or people we wouldn't mind getting drunk with. But will they really go to bat for you?

Shelly's got a ton of really great friends. There's Pete. There's Leigh. But the one who stands out to me most is Melissa. I can't even begin to describe this friendship. It's best friend-meets-sister-meets-possible lover in another life. Sorry, girls :-P Anyway, one of them is basically the extension the other person. Melissa knows how Shelly's going to feel and react to everything & vice versa.

Well, watching this friendship, I started thinking about my own life. "Where's my Melissa?" I wondered. Well, I always kinda joked that there's no one person in the world who can fill that role, mainly, because no one person "gets" me. Instead, to understand that Essence of Will, it would require a roundtable discussion of several. They each bring something to the table and understand a different facet of me. If you could put them all together, you'd have the full story on me. But instead, you have to track these people down if you want the "real deal"

First, there's Tarek. Right now, I'd say he's my Melissa. I have never been through more things with one person. But at the same time, I've enjoyed each and every moment of it. And he's a member of my family. Seriously. Never has anyone done as much for me, or been there for me like Tarek Sultani. Yeah, we've been adversaries at times (it was a low ratings period...), we always bounced back better than ever. Plus, have you ever had anyone, just 1 month after getting their license, drive 400 miles, in the snow, just to surprise you on your birthday? There're are tons of other stories, but those are for another day. I just can't imagine him not being there...

Next, there's Brett. Brett and I grew up together and used to indulge in the "play date". Even when we kinda grew up and it was just about comics and Star Trek, they were still play dates. Love him to death, but I feel our friendship is just really starting. Which is a great thing...don't get me wrong! It's just it's on a whole new level now. Anyway, if you want to understand who I was, he's the one to tell ya. Even if we don't speak for 20 yrs, we'd always be able to just start back where we ended.

Then, there's James. Wow, James Lamb. When I first met him, I KNEW he was bound for greatness. I guess it's why I hitched my wagon to his. Anyway, I had NO idea he'd be as volatile and controversial as he has shown himself to be. Which is AWESOME. there's never a dull moment around James. But also, he kinda inspires stuff in me. If you ever wanna know my sometimes deplorable views on politics and the world around us, ask James. You guys get my cynicism, but he gets the real deal, and helps me censor it so it sounds nice on the printed page. I think his dark side inspires mine, so if you're digging for dirt, and all of the thoughts and I ideas I have, but know I shouldn't, he's definitely the guy who's gonna sell me out! He knows the "uncensored" me.

Then, there's Lip. I never thought we'd be where we are now. He was always "AJ's friend". But over the years, including a summer living together, all of that has changed. WAY too much for me to write, but he's the one who knows the person I want to be. He knows the somewhat lofty goals, and he's a good pace car to let me know if I'm on track for said goals. Plus, he's got a good bullshit detector, and a short temper. He's a hoot to be around when he's pissed...

Now, this brings me to the question of "Who knows all of my unspoken stuff?" Rather, who knows what I'm thinking without me having to say it. Who can match me word for word, idea for idea, and I can't stump? It's not a game to me. It may sound like it, but it's more about "who just 'gets' me?" Well, I always thought "no one". But I've since learned that I was wrong. There IS someone out there who understands me, and it's CRAZY to find that, especially when you'd resigned yourself to the idea that it was impossible. At the same time, it's exciting as Hell 'cause you never really know how else they're going to surprise you. And right now, that means more to me than anyone else. With that in mind, I've gotta say that Shelly is my best friend.

With that in mind, I'd like to direct you to http://wwww.livejournal.com/users/sheldiz , and check out the Dec 15th entry.

I hate not being around her, I love every moment that I have with her, and she just "gets" it. Can't really put it into words. But I'm completely in love with Shelly. "But what about Alousie?" you're probably asking? Do the math, genius. It was there right in front of you. Anyway, I don't want to hide this anymore, either. We live in a world where we're supposed to keep bad things hidden away, while we share the good things with others. This is an AMAZING thing, and I don't want to hide it away like it's wrong or something. In fact, it's probably the best thing I've ever had.

So, I'm gonna give you all about 24 hrs to take this all in. I'm not gonna post or anything. I think this was post for you today. Unfortunately, my comment field doesn't work, but there's always the guestbook. Drop me a line. Tell me what ya think.

And Shel, I love you.

Posted by William @ 12/16/2004 01:24:50 PM
permalink | 1 comments

 

So, even though "The Apprentice 2" wraps up tonight, there's already scoop on next season. Apparently, it's already been filmed, and the gimmick for said season? Well, instead of dividing teams along gender lines, they're gonna match the "book smart" people against the "street smart" people. Yup, it's college vs. high school. Shirts vs. Skins. Let the elitism begin!

I read that their first task will take them to Burger King, where they each have to come up with a good, new menu item.

Seriously...I couldn't MAKE this stuff up!

Posted by William @ 12/16/2004 01:15:23 PM
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"I dunno...maybe it's a bowling alley!"

So, I wrote about this some time ago, but I think it's time to revisit the topic: The Chipmunks.

Now, with this holiday season, The Chipmunk Song is a classic. But I find that, the older I get, the more disturbed I find the whole "Chipmunk Phenomenon".

In the Chipmunk Universe, how could the world's little girl population be so enthralled by singing 4-ft. chipmunks?!!! It's sick! It's like asking, "What if Justin Timberlake & the rest of Nsync were chipmunks?" Just think about it. Do you know what some chicks WANT TO DO TO THOSE GUYS?!!! It boggles the mind.

Plus, why was Dave always yelling at Alvin? That's verbal abuse. It's not like he HAD to take care of 'em. He didn't get some Chipmunk whore knocked up or anything. He took it upon himself, but it's like he always regretted it afterwards by the way he'd yell at Alvin. Frankly, i think he was just jealous that Alvin probably got more 'tang than he did.

With all the yelling, you ever think Alvin just wanted to kill Dave in his sleep? He'd TOTALLY get away with it. Who'd blame a chipmunk? Then again, the prosecutor's daughter would probably have a mad-on for the chipmunks, and he'd let Alvin fry just for that...Now, would they send a chipmunk to juvie, or would they just put him to sleep right then and there? Imagine the fall from grace! And you think the Michael Jackson trial is scandalous...

Plus, what was the deal with the Chipettes? I always kind of thought they were figments of that old broad's imagination. She WAS kind of..."off". Plus, let's think about this: One trio of singing chipmunks? OK, I'll let it slide. A whole lot of crazy shit can happen when you dump chemicals in the wrong parts of the forest. But TWO trios of singing chipmunks?!!! I smell a cloning cover-up!

Oh man....I really need to start getting more sleep.

Have a great day, everyone! If you see a chipmunk, don't let it sing to you; that's how they lure ya into their trap!

Posted by William @ 12/14/2004 06:37:51 AM
permalink | 0 comments

 

"Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free."

Seeing as how it's the holiday season, from now until Christmas, I'm going to start each day's post with a quote from one of my favorite Christmas movies. Try to guess this movie; I dare ya!

First, I'd like to introduce you all to the best new blog on the i-net.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/sheldiz

She promises to give us a good three weeks worth of bloggertainment, and I'm gonna hold her to it.

I swear, first Tarek and now Shelly. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be useless on this thing. I mean it! The well is dry. I've been gone 'cause I really have nothing to say. I don't know if it's the new 5:30 AM wake-up time, the mind-numbing 8 hrs of work, or the fact that my life, for the most part is drama free. Well, I wouldn't go THAT far, but most of my humor, or what's left of it, seems to be reserved for Allie. And I'm sure she'd be MORE than willing to share it with you!

No, I will not go out like this! This is exactly what Tarek wants! For you newcomers, my friend & archnemesis, Tarek Sultani AKA "The Singing Bush", has decided to wage a cybernetic war against me. At first, I laughed at his feeble attempts. But, I've got to admit: the bastard's funny! Plus, I read on his site that my own girlfriend has joined his ranks in pursuit of my downfall!! Pretty soon, this blog is going to turn into my daily account of how they "almost got me"!

By the way, Jenn's not dead. OR James has found a way to post to Jenn's site AS Jenn. Either way, I'm still suspicious...

Now, down to the nitty-gritty.

I hate my job. Yes, i've said this before, and I know some of you are thinking, "Wow, it's been awhile since a good 'I hate my job' post was on this site!" Well, here it is. Yeah, training was a hoot, and I LOVED the Doubletree, but as many of you know, I HATE CHANGE. When I came back to my store, it was like someone had recast my entire show! People were missing, people were leaving. Didn't really like the new people. It was one big fashion-retail clusterfuck!

The old faithful sales assts are hitting the road, while all of these new colorful characters are coming out of the woodwork. PLUS, we've got new managers. Now, sales assts are one thing, but managers are in charge. These are people I HAVE to listen to. Yeah, I respect Shelly. She's awesome. AMAZING manager. We've got a new store manager, Yolanda, who seems to know her shit. She's been with H&M for about 5 yrs, so she'd better be good OR retarded. Otherwise, there's NO excuse for spending that long with this sinking ship! But these other bitches?

As for the new department managers, the great, underrated Elvis hit, "In the Ghetto" comes to mind. I mean, when the Hell did H&M become Job Corps? Everytime I come to work, I expect metal detectors and a surprise visit from my parole officer! By the day, I'm losing more and more respect for H&M's current hiring practices.

OK, I'm being a snob....but it's deserved! My main problem is that these chicks are coming here, not even trying to learn how we do things. Instead, they wanna shake shit up, without having a strong foundation. "Frankie says 'relax'." They really need to be "watchers" before they become "doers"

Now, remember how i got a promotion? Well, apparently, so did some other guy. New to the company. Seems like they double-booked the position. So, we both have it, which seriously affected my raise because it limited our budget. Either way, I have a partner, and this ain't "Lethal Weapon"! There's no buddy-cop vibe here. In fact, they schedule us at different times so there'll be no real confrontation. Which sucks because we do the same tasks in completely different ways. We're gonna spend most of our shifts cleaning up after each other . I knew about this guy when he finished training. I was told, "Oh, he's just gonna fill in until you finish your training.," I knew it was too good to be true. Smelled fishier than a Taiwanese whore (wow...). So, I get back to my store, and they're like , "Yeah...Kevin's coming back next week." This puzzled me until I just kinda forgot about it. Then, this morning happened.

Yolanda came in and said, "We have 2 'new' people coming back today."

"Who are they?"

"Oh, Kevin...the other admin. And Natalie."

Yup, you read that correctly. That star of MANY a summer's blog returned to work today. Does that bother me? No. I'm am VERY happy with my personal life, and I couldn't explain that whole saga if you asked me to. You've gotta admit: it WAS good readin'. Other than that, that's all I got. So, no, it's no big deal. But it WAS the most awkward day that I've had in some time. Having to deal with Natalie and Kevin on the same day...I was having a SERIOUS "case of the Mondays".

So, I also learned that on top of the new admin responsibilities, I'm STILL the Sr. Sales Asst in the Men's Dept! How the fuck am I supposed to do all of this? I'll BET Kevin's making the same thing I am, and he's not got all this shit to worry about. I LOVE the Mens Dept. i do. Honestly, I miss the days of simply running racks and dealing with JAP-bitch customers. Plus, did I mention that one of the hoodrats is my new Men's manager? I haven't had a Dept. Manager in 6 months!!!! That dept was MINE. No interference. it was a fucking Free Zone. Now, I have to answer to someone I don't even respect?!! I'm sorry, as long as this chick says "Aks" instead of "Ask", I can't look at her with a straight face. "Let me aks you sump'n." HAhaha...see what i mean? She even makes me e-laugh! This is gonna be a LONG winter. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm worth more than this. Not even in a "spiritual" sense. Economically, I'm WORTH more than this!!! I'm not money hungry, but eventually you have to call a spade a spade. Very confused and lost... I leave you with the great Sam Cooke:

"It's been a long
long time comin'
But I know
A change's gone come
Oh, yes it will."

Posted by William @ 12/13/2004 09:29:05 PM
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In Portugese:
"Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England."

OK, so work sucks? Everything else is pretty good. While I'm about $1,000 in debt from my little "vacation", my per diem just kicked in, so maybe I can start paying some bills...yeah right!

Christmas is coming! :-)

I haven't had a good BirthMas (Birthday & Christmas) in yrs, and I hope this ends the streak. Allie hates Christmas, so this should be interesting. It's not that she hates the event, but she hates "Christmas", the whole cliche, commercial notion behind it. I think like a 5-yr old so all i see is the cliche commercial side! We're SO getting our picture taken with Santa!

Anyway, things just get better and better in that dept. Last Wednesday, we had "Bad Movie Day". Usually, this is a day to partake in bad cinema, but we actually had some quality on our menu last week. Double feature of "Saved" & "Liar, Liar". If you haven't seen "Saved", do it now! You won't be disappointed.

Anyway, between movies, we went out for coffee and ordered in Chinese for dinner. Which, due to a LARGE quantity of boxed wine, left me thinking I'd left the delivery guy with a $30 tip on $35 worth of food! Luckily, I've gotten that all straightened out. I really need to cool it with the drinking, but who knew wine in a box would be such an enjoyable treat. To all you snobs who took "Wines" up @ Cornell, you're really missing out on the good stuff!

All in all, it was a very well-rounded, enjoyable day.

I swear, this is better than I thought anything could be. Lord knows I've had more misses than hits, but this is truly a great thing. LOVE THIS GIRL! I can't say that enough. Hell, I probably say it TOO much, but I really don't care. Sounds so cliche, but where was she all this time? I guess everything happens for a reason. It's kinda like Jennine & Andrew; they weren't ready for each other before, but they're perfect together now. They just needed their time to grow.

I think, "Why didn't this happen 9 months ago?" And the answer is simply, "It wasn't time." Anyway, I'm glad to know my ship's finally come in. Which brings us to Wednesday's event: The meeting of the parents. Yes, folks, you read correctly.

Now, parents usually love me. Hell, I'm a great guy :-P But I'm still nervous. Know I shouldn't be, but I am. Anyway, I'm sure there'll be an entertaining blog about it Thursday, so stay tuned.

Posted by William @ 12/13/2004 09:20:24 PM
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So, I'm starting to think Jenn's dead. For you newbies, Jenn is my friend & webmistress. Why is she dead? Here's the evidence:

1) She hasn't updated her blog in 3 weeks
2) I haven't really spoken to her on the phone in AGES
3) Her boyfriend, James, is really down these days
4) All messages to and from her are channeled through James

Can anyone say "Laci Peterson"? Don't worry, Jenn! I'll start combing through landfills and I'm gonna bring James to justice! Somebody better call Johnny Cochrane..

Looks like I'm gonna have e-beef on both sides now...

Speaking of "e-beef", I've got to say that Tarek is giving me a run for my money. While he'll never steal my fanbase with that livejournal thing of his, he's got some good topics. I'm kicking myself for not having thought of "Chicken Run" myself. Very clever. Touche, mine adversary. Touche, indeed...

Posted by William @ 12/10/2004 01:09:40 AM
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TOTALLY, COMPLETELY, and MADLY IN LOVE!!! Hey, I'm just sayin... :-)

Posted by William @ 12/08/2004 02:39:54 AM
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http://www.livejournal.com/users/palaedorian/

Apparently, I have a new enemy. Laugh, children. See what becomes of a fool when he doesn't know his place...

Let the e-beef begin!

Posted by William @ 12/08/2004 02:33:49 AM
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You know a song that makes me crack up?

"The Final Countdown", by Europe!

I swear, this has got to be the most BOMBASTIC song I've ever heard. All that fanfare over NOTHING. What the Hell are they even counting down to? It has got to be the gaudiest, most synthesizer-laden, stadium rock anthem ever created.

But, I swear...hearing that opening riff, ALWAYS makes me crack up. Like, "Uh-oh, it's Final Countdown time....guess I'd better be scared or something."

Posted by William @ 12/05/2004 09:01:46 PM
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-"Lisa, what are you doing?"

-"Praying to Jesus...Buddha...Spongebob..there's really no time to be picky"

Posted by William @ 12/05/2004 08:32:43 PM
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It's been awhile, but I think there's a new conspiracy afoot.

Have you ever noticed that the crunchiest of the hippies, who shun The Man, Corporate America, and deodorant, all have ipods? I mean, these people are rarely net-saavy and hate mostthings technological. They ain't rich, living purely off granola and sweat, yet somehow they've scrounged together the $299 for an mp3 player?!!!

Are they receiving some kind of secret funding? Do they have some secret method of obtaining free ipods? Are they making their ipods out of hemp?

And what are they listening to? Old peace rally chants? The Communist Manifesto?

Someone enlighten me.

Posted by William @ 12/05/2004 08:13:17 PM
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CH-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/rnr/50782168.html

Amen, you Wonderful, Masked Marvel! Whoever you are, I wanna kiss you on the fuckin' mouth...I couldn't have said it any better myself. In fact, after reading, I thought, "Damn, I wish I'd thought to write something like that!". I am truly impressed...impressed & jealous. This person really needs a blog or something!

Anyway, you fuckers out there better read this and follow it to a T. I've got a new job on the horizon, and I don't need y'all ruining my future! Oh God, this is my future...*sobs*

UPDATE: This is the funniest response I've found yet:
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/rnr/50801144.html

"Once, when I was 13, I had to make a #2 while at JC Penny's. While in the stall, the bathroom door flew open and some guy ran in huffing and puffing and jumped into the stall next to mine. Before I knew it, he let go with a huge blast of whatever he had for lunch that afternoon. I was in shock. I think this one incident, more than any other, has contributed to my fear/hatrid of shitting in public places. I hope this helps."

Not quite sure if it's a "pro" or a "con", but it's certainly not as venom-laced as the other responses. For the record, we didn't necessarily choose retail. You see, retail is that chick with the missing teeth and bad wig, at the end of the bar at last call. It's not like you wanna do her, but the world is telling ya you've gotta do something. In reality, you'd rather be at home, on your couch, watching Comedy Central. But there she is; you're all strung out on antidepressants, it's just dark enough that you don't know what you're getting yourself into, she's willing to give up just enough to keep ya interested, and you've got nothing better to do at the moment. That, folks, is retail. It ain't an educated choice, it's a "slump buster".

So, tune in next time, as I explain how Social Security is like a porno movie...wanna hint? Let's just say, when all's said and done, somebody's gonna get fucked in the ass...

Wow, where do I come up with this shit?!! Gotta get more sleep...

Posted by William @ 12/03/2004 02:16:11 AM
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