So, I've got a confession. I'm sort of ashamed to mention this, but here it goes:

I get nervous whenever I meet a Black guy.

Why?

Because I never quite know how he's gonna try to shake my hand.

You see, there's this underlying assumption that Black people don't dole out simple handshakes. No, it's assumed that we all use some kind of urban formula to concoct a secret means of greeting one another. And these things change by the week. It's like "body slang". Nobody wants to reveal that they don't know the newest greeting.

Will he come at me with the "pound-on-pound dap"? Will he give me the endearing "Bro-man handshake-hug combo"? Or will we settle on the convoluted "--handshake-elbow-chesting"? So many choices, and you only have a few seconds to figure out the proper course of action.

The minute someone says, "Will, I'd like you to meet my boy, DeVauhwn," I immediately start thinking, "Oh crap! Ok, Will...remember what they taught you in training. Just remember your training!"

Then you've gotta notice the body language. "OK, he's making a fist...I think we're going for dap. Now, are we going for a stacking-fist pound, or are we just gonna punch fists?"

Now, I wonder if other Black guys think about this, or is this something I picked up somewhere. I KNOW it's something that White guys think about. Why? Because I haven't had an honest-to-God simple handshake from a White guy under the age of 25 in the past 5 yrs! They always assume I'm gonna go in for some kind of Zord-summoning sign language when I really just want a firm grip. After all, isn't that what we all want?

Posted by William @ 5/30/2005 06:42:00 PM
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So, this conversation took place while Mommy and I were watching Spongebob today (don't ask...)

Mommy: "What IS Spongebob? I never really understood that. What is the NEED for a Spongebob?"

About an hr later, when the Fantastic Four toy commercial comes on:

Me: "Ooh!!"

Mommy: "What is that?"

Me:" It's the Thing, from the Fantastic Four!"

Mommy: "He looks terrible!"

Me: "He can't help it. The radiation did it to him, when he was in space. He doesn't want to look like that; he HATES how he looks."

Mommy: "Well, that's what he gets, then. He had no business messin' in space anyway. I bet that's one trip he'll never forget!"

Posted by William @ 5/30/2005 06:33:00 PM
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So, if you read my Comments section, you'll see that Shel responded to my last post. Apparently, she feels that Jesus would've liked the Mustang they gave Bo and Carrie on Idol. I've gotta say that I disagree.

You see, I always felt that Jesus would drive a Jeep. And not a Grand Cherokee or any of that mess. I mean a Jeep, plain and simple. In fact, I kinda thought it might even be an Army surplus Jeep, you know, for the irony of it all...

A Jeep's kinda unassuming, and JUST crunchy enough to get the job done...

What? You think Big J would be cruisin' in an Escalade? A Lexus? I think not! He's Jesus, not Kobe!

A Mustang? Oh, Shel, Shel, Shel...

Posted by William @ 5/26/2005 06:38:00 PM
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I think my favorite part of tonight's American Idol finale was when they gave Jesus the car.

Silly, producers! Don't they know that he can fly?

Anyways...did y'all see that "Dukes of Hazzard" commercial? Yee-HAH! Oh, praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

Posted by William @ 5/25/2005 11:09:00 PM
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Well, another season of American Idol comes to a close. Tonight sucked. It's like neither of them knew which song to sing. None of the songs really showcased them vocally, but it's all in the voters' hands now.

Anyway, my money's on Jesus.

Wait...you mean that wasn't Jesus?

Wow...well, I guess that restores my faith.

OK, my money's on the dude who looks like Jesus...

Posted by William @ 5/24/2005 10:16:00 PM
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OK, I found 3 surprising entertainment tidbits today:

1) Kelsey Grammer's gonna be Beast in X-Men 3? Come on, now! I know that he's got the voice, but is this really a good idea? Patrick Stewart is notorious for being difficult on sets, as is Grammer. If Halle comes back in all her diva glory, nothing's gonna get accomplished. The only thing I'm looking forward to is the reports of all the bitch sessions going on behind the scenes.

2) "That 70's Show"'s Topher Grace has just signed on as "Villain #2" in Spider-Man 3. He'll be teaming up with Thomas Haden-Church (yeah, I could say 'from "Sideways"', but I'm gonna keep it real and say 'from "Wings"'). At this point, nobody know which villains they'll be playing. I kinda find it odd that they'd cast Topher as a villain. If anything, I think he'd be a good Spidey if Tobey starts complaining about money again...

3) They're making a sequel to "Sin City"?!!! THAT piece of shit? They might as well make "Daredevil 2" while they're at it...

Posted by William @ 5/20/2005 01:50:00 PM
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Wow...

Did you miss me?

In my time off, I decided that it's time. Yes, time for:

"The Origin of Alouise".

For those of you familiar with my blog, I used to refer to my love as "Alouise". As you now know, she is none other than the beautiful and wonderful Shelly. Why did I do this? Where did the alias come from? Sit back and enjoy.

See, I've always had a thing for Shelly. I mean, this goes back for a good year. In fact, it was about a year to the day that we met, in a conference room at the Doubletree. I was about to help open a new H&M, and Shelly was to be one of the managers (audience "oohs").

There she was, with her Lisa Loeb glasses, sitting in a little orange striped dress, kinda looking like...well, Lisa Loeb.

Shel was really quiet, but I could tell there was something about her; I needed to know this girl.

Over time, we got closer and closer, but I kept thinking, "Will, this is your MANAGER!". Yeah, i've got a thing for authority figures and such, but this was forbidden fruit! What was I thinking?!! I'd kinda flirt with her when i got the chance. If she was ringing me up, I might tease, "Yo, girl. When you get off work? You got a man?" She'd just laugh and tell me to get out of her store.

Soon, we started talking online. Every night. And I realized that she never ceased to amaze me. In a lot of ways, that's where our relationship started. I looked forward to those conversations 'cause it's when we really got to know one another. It was weird, at the same time, 'cause we would joke at work, but still kept it professional. We had to keep up the charade of a platonic relationship so HR didn't get suspicious. But each night, we'd be online shootin' the shit like old friends.

One night, I was talking to her about girls and my relationship history, and I told her I couldn't think of her in a "dating way" because I knew her too well; we were too close. She replied, "...the story of my life." That wasn't the answer I was expecting. I was expecting "Oh, I agree." or "Yeah, you're not my type, either." But instead, it sounded like she might've been interested, and I'd just shot my chance. So, after that, I started wondering if she was as curious about "what if?" as I was. Because, to be honest, I WAS close to her, but she was quickly becoming my best friend. And, not to sound like a broken blog, but she GOT me. And I don't find that to often. Plus, she's adorable. Hell, yeah I wanted to date her! But I wasn't sure how she felt, didn't want to go off on a hunch, and SHE WAS MY BOSS!!! Little did I know that one night would not only answer all of my questions, but it would also show me that she's everything I've ever wanted and more.

So, one night on IM, Shel invited me to come watch Monday Night Football at a bar in DC with her and some of her friends. Now, she knows me. She knows I'm not much of a sports guy, but she really wanted me to go. I was nervous as Hell. I didn't know her friends, and we'd never really hung out outside of the confines of Swedish-peddled goods. I still didn't really know where I stood with her, but I was onboard for the game, and I was just waiting to see where it would take us. Before she signed off, she gave me her number so we could coordinate the next day. In my nervous, kill-the-conversation-geek-speak, i replied, "Wow, I've got your number now. That means we're dating." I think I was testing the waters to see how disgusted that made her, but she didn't react. Interesting...

So, the next day, after work, I hopped the Metro, and headed downtown for this game.
There she was, looking all cute in her Ravens shirt. I also re-met her roomies, Melissa and Leigh. I'd met them before, but by this point, I wasn't too sure if they liked me or not (Not really worried about that now; they're awesome). But back then, I'm sure they were wrapped up in the "Why the Hell is Shelly hanging out with one of her employees?" I know someone who WAS thinking that was Carrie, Shel's friend and fellow manager at H&M. See, Carrie and I had never, how do you say..."seen eye to eye" before, and I KNOW she wasn't a big fan of what was going on. So, Carrie's sitting there, along with Shelly's roommates, and I feel more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So, what do i do? I drink.

We all drink, actually. And it was at this point that I found out a VERY important thing about Shelly and her crew: they like games. It doesn't really matter WHAT game; they've got plenty in their repertoire. The point is that a single minute shouldn't be wasted in a social situation. If there's down time, it's Game Time. We played number games and we played a modified "6 Degrees...". But I think the ice was thoroughly broken, when I had most of them faking orgasms. with people around. In a bar. Don't ask, really...

We're all feeling a bit more relaxed, and since there's a playful air about us, we're all in a "good place". So, this guy comes over from the bar. He's your stereotypical traveling businessman with wife, 2.5 kids, and dog waiting back in suburbia. And business guy has had a few drinks tonight, so he's in a GREAT mood and ready to make some friends. He comes over to the table, and starts making small talk. He wants to show us pictures of his kids. He's going on and on. Screw it, we're drunk, so everything he does/says is funny to us. But finally, once he's done talking, he decides he wants to know more about us. And you've never seen a better improv performance than the one Shelly and I gave that night.

So, we tell him that Shel and I are together. According to the story that we pulled out of our asses, Carrie's brother had been in prison. On one of her visits, she'd decided to take Shelly along (probably because of her fascination with prisons and jails...). Anyway, during this particular visit, I just happened to be the cellmate of Carrie's brother. Shelly and i started talking, and clicked. Next thing I knew, she was sending me hot poloroids and planning our future for when i got released. Basically, I think we channeled Monica's "Should've Known Better", 'cause that was the gist of the farce we crafted.

Anyway, I guess the guy was drunk enough, that not only did he buy our story, but he wanted to know more. He kept asking what i was in prison for, but I responded, "I don't wanna talk about it, ya know? All I gotta say is it's hard growin' up on tha streets, ya kna'm sayin?" Shel told him I was her baby daddy, and he wanted to know how many kids we had. She said 6, but I chimed in that only 4 of them were mine. Next thing I knew, we had started our own little "Maury" paternity test episode as we shout back and forth as to how many are actually mine. She swears they're all mine, but I say that I knew she ran around while I was on lockdown.

I know you're reading this and thinking, "What the fuck?" Yeah, it sounds crazy, and that's exactly what it was. Crazy and un-PC. All I can say is you simply had to be there, in the moment. Shel's friends kinda looked bewildered 'cause what had started as a pseudo-lame joke had taken a life of its own right in front of them. And Shelly and I were so caught up in it that we just couldn't stop. The amazing part was that it just flowed, and I've NEVER clicked with a person like that before. Back when I did theatre, Lex and I used to be a good comedy team but, in Shelly, I had met my match. i couldn't stop, nor did I want to. I wanted to see where this was going, both there in the bar, and the future.

So, during the show, the others decided they were ready to leave. The game was basically over, and we were running out of lies to tell the guy-who-just-wouldn't-go-away. As we were leaving, he asked us our names. Everyone went around and said their name. I actually even said 'Will", which I'm not prone to do. But when it got to Shelly, she surprised me. "Alouise," she said. "My name's Alouise." I kinda paused, like, " 'Alouise? *processing* OK....Alouise!''

As we stood up to leave, Shelly kinda stood under one of the TV's to get one last glimpse of the score. All caught up in my character. I kinda came up behind her, and put my arms around her. Now, we both knew the guy was gone and the game was essentially over. But she leaned into me. And, at that point, I realized our whole skit actually had mutual feelings involved. I felt something in that embrace. To go all musical theatre on ya, there's a song in "Hello, Dolly!" that goes:

"I held her, for an instant
But my arms
Felt sure
And strong
It only takes a moment
To be loved
A whole life long.

Even though I sang the song when I was a little stage kid in high school, it wasn't until that night that I truly understood what it meant. I'd had a thing for Shelly, but that night showed me an entirely different side of her. Not just a new side, but an exciting side that, in turn, brought out something new in me. Kinda like I'd found...my other half. HR be damned! I didn't just want her; I needed her.

So, I hope this answers any questions y'all might've had. 'Cause if I had ONE more person ask, 'Where's Alouise these days?" or "Why did you take Shelly to Boston instead of Alouise?", I was gonna freak. Read the site every day! I'm not doing this for my health. Well, actually, I guess I kinda am....

Anyway, I'm back to the blogosphere, kids! And it feels good :-)

Posted by William @ 5/20/2005 04:37:00 AM
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"What's black and white and red all over?"

"A newspaper."

Farewell, Riddler. You'll certainly be missed by this Batfan.

Frank Gorshin
1933-2005


Oh God, please don't let Adam West be next!


You know what's sad? Most of the Bat Villains are dead now:

Joker: Cesar Romero
Penguin: Burgess Meredith
Riddler: Frank Gorshin
Egghead: Vincent Price
King Tut: Victor Buono
Chandell: Liberace
Louie the Lilac: Milton Berle

Sure, I grew up on the show while it was in syndication, but I still feel like I'm losing my childhood. Then again, I'm sure there are a bunch of Baby Boomers who probably feel the same way, about the same exact show...

Posted by William @ 5/20/2005 04:10:00 AM
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