"Brigham Young University: If you're not married by graduation, you get your tuition back."

So, apparently the Church of Latter Day Saints is a meat market. At least according to this entertaining article:
http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/cover/2005/cover0729.html

Man, that Book of Mormon must have some SMOOTH pick up lines!

Posted by William @ 7/30/2005 04:08:00 PM
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"I always knew Tom Cruise would end up with someone from "Dawson's Creek". I just always thought it would have been James Van Der Beek."
-Keith Marder, WB Communications Director, at the 2005 Television Critics Press Tour

Posted by William @ 7/30/2005 04:00:00 PM
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"Logan would join a limbo contest if it had a redhead in it."

It's back! About 6 months ago, I wrote a scathing article about The African Heritage Movie Theatre, and it's MC's, Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. Well, much has changed in that time. Mr. Davis has gone to that theatre in the sky, and Ms. Dee is MIA. So, the franchise has been renamed. Yes, I give you the Uptown Movie Network. And get this: it's now hosted by Ms. Shar "F you, Federline!" Jackson. But worry not, because they're still cranking out those movies that make us Black folks feel so proud! This week's offering: "Superfly T.N.T"

Yes, as if "Superfly" wasn't enough, someone came up with the bright idea to give us a sequel. But this ain't yo daddy's Blaxploitation movie (actually, it's from 1973, so it probably is...). Don't look for the ghettos and the Cadillacs. No, allow me to provide you with the movie's synopsis:

"Superfly comes out of his Roman retirement to free a tiny African nation from the grip of a cruel dictator."

Oh, Superfly must be a hero, right? Well, for those of you who don't know the story of Superfly, as depicted in the first movie, let me break it down for ya. Superfly, known as Youngblood Priest, was a cocaine dealer who simply realized he'd had enough of the life. But he needed one last score to provide him with the cash for his escape. So, I guess he used that cash to get to Rome. Yeah...Rome. I didn't even think they let Black people in Rome in 1973!

Oh, but it gets better. You ever seen a 6'4'' Black dude with a perm, dressed from head to toe in horseback riding gear? Better yet, have you ever seen the same guy chase a mugger down narrow Roman streets?You will if you see this movie. I don't know if Superfly is the most famboyant pimp or the gayest ass kicker, but it certainly is a sight to see.

The highlight of this movie has GOT to be Roscoe Lee Brown, who has one of the most iconic voices in entertainment history. Screw James Earl Jones. Roscoe's "Kingpin" from the Fox Spider-Man cartoon stomps all over Mr. "This is CNN". Anyway, Brown plays the part of an African diplomat. Not that it takes much. In this day and age, all you had to do was show up to work. And he does that nicely.

So, why am I ranting? Well, the whole commercial nature of this franchise was to show movies that, supposedly, had a cultural and classic impact on the Black cinematic experience. I understand that there are only so many times one can watch "The Color Purple" and "The Tuskeegee Airmen", but it'd be more honorable if someone just came out and said, "OK, we're all out of movies." Don't pass this dreck off and try to make people think it means something. Hell, "Superfly T.N.T" doesn't even come up immediately on an IMDB search. You've got to dig to find that bad boy. I guess that's supposed to make me think it's a hidden cinematic treasure. Well, I'm on to your game!

"Superfly" had cultural significance. It is one of the more memorable Blaxploitation movies. Was it a "good" movie? I'll leave that in the eye of the beholder. But it had cultural significance. These were Black made films, for Black audiences. As deplorable as the subject matter may have been, these tales were real to many people. Can't say the same about "Soul Plane". But I digress...

But you can't tell me that Superfly's sequel holds the same meaning in time. In the words of Judge Judy, "Don't piss on my knee and tell me it's raining!" The fool is in Rome! Who came up with this locale? How did a coke dealer become an African savior? I mean, I'm all about redemption, but DAMN!

Everybody knows that a sequel is simply another trip to the well. Typically, you had success, and now you're trying to milk the idea dry. The "message" was in your first movie, but the sequel is all fo' da scrilla. With that in mind, any lesson or message to be conveyed was in the first Superfly. And I guess said message was: "if you're gonna deal, make sure you rollin' high, and you get yo' ass to a safe place for the fallout." OK, I can live with that. A lot of young folks could do well to know that message. But the only message in the sequel is: "if you take your Black ass to Rome, they gonna find you!"

Thanks, "Uptown Movie Network". I sure am glad y'all decided to show "Graffiti Bridge" instead of "King" back in January. And I really appreciate the effort, but I think I'll take care of my cultural education on my own. But holla back when y'all start showing reruns of "Girlfriends"...

Posted by William @ 7/30/2005 02:50:00 PM
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"It's the car. Chicks dig the car."

Comics Addendum
OK, I just stumbled upon some MAJOR Batman comic news. Just like last time, I'm sure there are only about 2 people who even care about this. But this time, I'm gonna be a nice guy, and not spoil it for ya. However...


For those of you who want to know what next year's big Batman arc, coming off of the One Year Gap, highlight the following white text.
Bruce Wayne has been committed to Arkham Asylum and Nightwing has assumed the mantle of The Batman. Nightwing, however, will continue as an ongoing comic.

Posted by William @ 7/26/2005 12:21:00 AM
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"Sunday, Monday, Happy Days..."

So, I can't quite put my finger on it, but at some point recently, this site jumped the shark. It just doesn't feel..."right" at the moment.

Part of the blame goes to The Great Flame War of June '05. "We lost a lot of good men out there." Those were certainly dark days for the bloggers, but I think we've finally emerged from all of that unnecessary drama. In the meantime, we're in the middle of e-Reconstruction, but there's no e-Lincoln to lead us.

Blame must also go out to my identity crisis. Like many of my e-friends, I've never really figured out what I wanted this site to be. Part of me wants to think of it as my personal rant site, but there's a part of me that wants it to be some kind of destination pop culture site, like a geeky Wonkette or something. In either regard, I've got a lot of work to do to achieve either of these goals.

There are a lot of people out there who claim, "My blog is for me. It's therapy, and I don't care who reads it." Yet, their comments section blows up like the Q&A portion of "The Ricki Lake Show." And they love this. They love the feedback.

Well, I love the feedback, too. But for what? I blog when I feel a little smug, and think I've come up with something clever. I pride myself to be "the person who says what everyone else was thinking."

I might say, "Lance Armstrong had ball cancer." You might retort, "Will, that's so insensitive!", but you know that, deep down, you were thinking, "Damn, Armstrong came back from ball cancer to win for the 7th time?!!" I say what you're too ashamed to say, or rather, I dumb it down in a way that you're ashamed to admit understanding. And we're both better for it. I can be glib, and you can live vicariously through me, without the social backlash.

Another issue is my life. I've got wonderful aspects of my life (Yeah, I'm looking at you, girl)
but I haven't had an "adventure" in a long time. I hate to say it, but I miss H&M.

As much as I hated H&M, I never lacked stories. There was a point where I had to decide between the worthy-to-be-published and the unworthy-to-be-published. Regardless, I never lacked for stories.

These days, I figured you wouldn't be interested in the click-top Sharpies that I stole from the supply room. It's sad, but these are my adventures now. Nor is this my dream job, so I can't join that youthful minority who love to drop, "Oh, I LOVE my job!" into conversation. Instead, I sit there trying to make up stuff that might be interesting if blogged. Even worse, I've started dreaming up fake stories to post on craigslist just to "sample a new audience". But the key part of the phrase is "make up".

I didn't make up stuff before, and it was golden. Just check out my archives. There's some stuff in there that even I can't believe came from me. But the well's running dry. I'm not a quitter, but for the blog to be good, life needs to be good. Don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily depressed or anything. I'm not complaining from a stance of complacency. I've got the wheels in motion on several projects, but I'd rather wait for results, than share them here and have them go bust.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in a bit of a holding pattern right now. But, hopefully, it'll get better soon. I'm the blog equivalent of early UPN right now. But if I really work hard, i might climb to the level of late 90's WB. And really, is there anything better than that?

Posted by William @ 7/25/2005 11:29:00 PM
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"Be careful, Peter. After all, you're not Superman, you know!"

So, Shelly and I just saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (GREAT movie, by the way), and I realized something: Danny Elfman wrote one song about 16 years ago, and he's been remixing it ever since.

You ever see "Batman"? That was Danny Elfman composing. We all know the song when we hear it. For some of us, the mere sound of it makes us want to suit up and fight crime. But if you listen carefully, before the main "Bat Riff" breaks out, there's this creepy, lilting melody. That melody, folks, is the one and only song Elfman has ever composed. He is the 3 Doors Down..no, the Creed of movie score composers.

Go watch "Edward Scissorhands", also known as the beginning of the Burton-Depp marriage. You hear that score? Sound familiar? Yup, you've heard it before.

Seen "Spider-Man"? I know I wasn't the only one watching the opening credits, thinking, "Hey, this sounds familiar...and, this doesn't even fit the character of Spidey!" It's like Sony went to Elfman and asked, "What have you got along the lines of a superhero theme?" And he went back to his studio, and dusted off a cassette labeled "Bat Scraps".

"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"? Same Elfman "Batman" score.

It's driving me crazy! You can't take a song that holds meaning and then just apply it to other properties, all willy-nilly! Right now, I've got the image of Batman & Spidey fighting Edward Scissorhands in the middle of a chocolate factory run by skeletons. And I'm not even high!

Maybe it all boils down to budget. If Burton can avoid spending on new music, then that's more money he can shuttle into Helena Bonham Carter's heroin addiction. I mean, that shit don't come cheap. And Burton totally knows how to work a budget. To get a little more insight, let's look at his upcoming film, "Corpse Bride".

"Corpse Bride" is billed by some as "the sequel to 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'". Same stop animation. Same Burton creepiness. Same Elfman score. But the real humdinger is the voice cast. You see, the vast majority of the cast members are also in "Charlie". Since it's only voiceovers, he could've recorded that stuff during filming breaks on "Charlie", and would've wound up making the film on a mere shoestring. Critics and audience members alike will love it, and Helena gets more heroin.

I'm on to you, Burton. You and Elfman aren't fooling me. I know the frickin' Batman theme when I hear it. Stop using it for all of your movies! You're crrepy enough as it is, and it's having an effect on my psychological well-being. You've just read what this score-swapping is doing to me, and I can't fathom Batman fighting an undead bride while Ed Wood films the Martians attacking us. It's too much! Get off your ass, Elfman, and compose! You wrote the frickin' "Simpsons" theme for God's sake! You've got more in you. Just slowly step away from the "Batman" theme. We can work this out...

Posted by William @ 7/25/2005 10:53:00 PM
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"My name is Jack Bauer, and this is going to be the longest day of my life."

Heh, my last post was post # 420, so I guess this is my "buzzed-baked afterglow post". I guess you can tell I've never smoked before seeing as how I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

So...sometimes, I really hate "It's Showtime At The Apollo". No, actually I ALWAYS hate "Apollo". If you ever wanna see racism flipped on its ass, just watch the Apollo.

I feel like this is the rare sanctuary where Black folks are like, "Look, Whitey! WE call the shots here!" It is an institution dedicated to the essence of the BNIC (look it up, my confused friends; we're not allowed to simply decode that acronym for just anybody!) And, while I guess it's their prerogative, a LOT of talented people get booed offstage just because they're White.

It's a delicate situation 'cause there aren't really any venues that are known as "White Theatres" (I swear if anyone responds with, "They're ALL White theatres", you'll be sorry. Yeah, I'm looking at you.). In the meantime, the Apollo is known as a Black theatre. When you go perform, you kinda know what you're getting yourself into. So, I think it's brave for many people to just get up on the stage.

Here I am, at 1:35 on a Monday morning, watching this dreck. This hippie chick just performed the HELL out of Rufus & Chaka Khan's "Tell Me Something Good". I mean, she gave it everything she fucking had, and it was actually GOOD. But these people would NOT give her the credit she deserved.

Now, I've gotta admit that Apollo has made some major strides in the past 10 yrs. As the traditional companion show to "Soul Train", it has had to change with the times. White participants are getting their due in the Harlem venue, but this hippie chick didn't stand a chance. If you look like you might have some Spanish in ya, you're golden. Italian? See "Spanish". Jewish? Your hair's curly, we'll clap for ya. But hippie girl didn't have a chance.

She had long, golden hair down to her ass. And it was the kind where it looked great, but you knew she probably didn't have to do anything to maintain it. This was accented by her velvet halter top and her tight, straight-legged jeans that many an audience member would never wear in her wildest dreams. I guess you could say they just didn't relate to her.

But she sure kicked Chaka Khan's ass. She sang the fuck out of that song. And I'm a tough critic. Hell, I wasn't even paying attention when she sang. I was reading, and had the thing on in the background. All I could really hear was her singing, and them trying to boo her off. It wasn't until she finished that I actually looked up and thought, "THAT was HER?"

Well, I've just gotta say that she was awesome, and it sucks that she didn't get what she was looking for. Or, maybe she did. The Apollo ain't like "American Idol". Nobody's really trying to be discovered. That would be NICE, but it's not always the goal, nor is your performance a predictor. After all, back in the day, Lauryn Hill was booed off her Apollo "Amateur Night" performance and cried like a little bitch backstage. But last I heard, she was doing OK. A little crazy and kind of a recluse, but "OK" by celebrity standards...For some people, surviving the Apollo is akin to conquering a fear or fulfilling a promise. Hippie chick fought hard enough to finish her song without being ejected, so maybe that was what it was all about. I guess I'll never know. But she sure sang the hell out of that song...

Posted by William @ 7/25/2005 01:28:00 AM
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"Holy rusted metal, Batman!"

So, as some of you might know, my girlfriend Shelly is running the Whitman-Walker AIDS Marathon in December. In order to do so, she must raise $3,400, which includes the cost of accomodations as well as her contribution to the cause. While she's well on her way to her goal, her deadline is the end of August and "every little bit helps".

So, if you're capable of doing so, it'd be great if you could help her out. I know for me, this is an epidemic that hit quite close to home in the past year. The West Foundation is contributing, but it'd be awesome if any of you all out there could participate as well.

I know this isn't what you've come to expect on this site (shock!), but I love her so much and it's a wonderful cause. I'm so proud of all the progress she's made training for this marathon, and I just wanna make sure she has all she needs to see this thing through. Anydangways, for more information, check out her donation site: http://www.aidsmarathon.com/participant.asp?runner=DC-3202&Year=2005&EventCode=HN05

Thanks Westketeers! =)

Posted by William @ 7/25/2005 01:14:00 AM
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"I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you."

If you're looking for a fun way to kill time, hop on over to the comments section of http://www.livejournal.com/users/palaedorian . My good friend created the site to destroy me, and now the war is being waged, WWE-style, on the blog.

This is gonna sound so sad, but I've gotta admit that this is the most fun I've had blogging in a long time. I'm sure it'll get stale SOON. But for the moment, it's got me looking over my shoulder at work, scared that I'm gonna get fired for laughing so hard.

So, if you love good kayfabe 'rasslin', hop on over and blog a steel chair into the matchup. Hardcore rules apply, e.g. anything goes. Anyone's welcome. Don't worry if he's going on and on about some French dish he prepared the night before. The best time to throw someone through a table is when they're distracted. He might be rambling about his CFA or his LSAT, but what he really needs is a good kick to the junk.

'Cause this is about one thing, brother. This is about that title. I worked my way up from the mean streets of Wheaton, with one thing on my mind. And the next thing I know, he's talking smack about wanting to destroy my blog. Well, I want to teach his ass a lesson. But most of all, I WANT A TITLE SHOT!

Posted by William @ 7/24/2005 11:23:00 PM
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"I'm sorry...I know I maybe taste like a cracker."

Comics Rant

The following will make sense to maybe 2 of my readers. Sorry, but I needed to get this out of my system. But stay tuned, I'm sure I'll wax philosophic on 90210 or something with a little more of an all-encompassing vibe in the coming days...

MARVEL
-SINISTER IS GAMBIT'S FATHER?!!! Is this in-continuity? Are they gonna keep this development? I mean, it makes sense, but...

-So, you mean to tell me that Hawkeye's now dead in BOTH universes? I was never a fan of 616 Hawkeye, but Ultimate Hawkeye was kinda noble. Man, Marvel must really hate archers or something...

-So, the Sentry may actually be an amnesiac Thor? That's an interesting theory...

-Wolverine's a much cooler Avenger than X-Man. "House of M" only proves this theory. Plus, check out his solo work in "Wolverine". Last issue, he killed 5,000 people. Yup, you read that correctly.

-Speaking of "House of M", rumor is that it's going to knock the number of mutants in the world back down to around 300. In the past few yrs, Marvel went a little apeshit, and EVERYONE was a mutant. Apparently, they want to get back to basics, where mutants were a small group which can be more easily persecuted. Not sure if they're just gonna depower the muties or kill 'em...

-I hate to say it, but I think Bendis may actually suck now. I mean, he's writing every book Marvel puts out. They have no regular shipping schedule. And, I'm kinda gettin' tired of him..

-Finally got around to reading "Marvels". It was NOT the tour-de-force epic that I've been hearing about for the past 10 yrs. Quaint little ditty, but it lacked something...

DC
-"Infinite Crisis" has GOT to restart the DC timeline! Why do I say that? Too many things have happened recently that never should've:
1)Luthor knows Superman's Identity
2)Checkmate knows EVERYONE's Identities
3)Batman no longer has ANY foes
A) Joker is a broken amnesiac in a traveling circus
B) Two-Face reverted back to Harvey Dent
C) Poison Ivy-Dead
D) Riddler-MIA
E) Bane -reformed
F) R'as Al Ghul - Dead
G)Catwoman - reformed AND know's Bruce is Batman
H)Penguin moved to Bluhaven
I)Scarface -Dead
J)Man-Bat reformed and has a Kid-Bat

4)Did I mention that Jason Todd's back? For real. Robin II has returned from the dead as The Red Hood II and, with the exception of Hush, is Batman's only major villain.

MOVIES
-Alan Cumming probably wishes he'd kept his damn mouth shut. He was so excited when he learned that Bryan Singer was no longer directing "X3". He went on record for several publications, stating how much he disliked working with the man, and how relieved he was that he wouldn't have to repeat the experience. Well, Fox has decided not to pick up the renewal option in his contract. Which means that neither Mr. Cumming, nor Nightcrawler, will be seen in X-Men 3. Sometimes you've gotta wait before you gloat.

-Speaking of X3, the damn teaser poster's already up in theatres. The movie ain't even close to being done, and it's not like they're going to lack an eager audience. Yet, Marvel still felt it necessary to give you a 24x36 one-sheet of Wolverine's claws. Thanks, Marvel. 'Cause you guys make it SO easy for us to forget what Wolverine looks like...

-David Goyer announced he's developing a "Blade" tv show for Spike. I wonder if Snipes is gonna try to sue...

OK, I think I'm done for now. Just needed to geek out for a minute...

Posted by William @ 7/24/2005 10:48:00 PM
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"Tell 'em 'Large Marge' sent ya!"

I would like to congratulate Lance Armstrong...for making me feel like a complete and utter failure. C'mon, the dude had ball cancer! I'm sorry, that's crass. He had "cancer of the balls". And he STILL managed to come back and win 7 times. 7 TIMES! The only possible explanation is that Lance Armstrong hates me, and throroughly wanted to piss on me.

It all started back in 1994. Sheryl Crow was MINE! I found her! She made it more than clear that all she wanted to do was have some fun. And next thing I know, here comes Armstrong, stealing my girl. And what does he do for an encore? He wins the frickin' Tour De France 7 TIMES!

I just know Lance has something against me. Maybe he knows that I'm secretly a Greg LeMond fan. But this just proves it. Lance Armstrong's mission in life is to make me feel like shit.

OK, Armstrong. You won. Isn't it enough that you've taken over the world with your bracelets? EVERYONE has one. Everyday, I see thousands of little yellow reminders of how you've won and I have failed. I AM that yellow bracelet. But 7 times? I got the point back in 2001. You really didn't have to go into overdrive.

I'm getting my shit together, Lance. I got the hint. But it's hard for me to build up when you are just racing by to bring me down. I WILL survive. I'm gonna be a success. But you don't have to show me the peak of human performance. I've got Batman for that. I'm not gonna let you keep me down, Man!

So, why don't you and Sheryl go soak up some sun, and we can all get on with our lives. 7 times? God, Lance! Some people can be so petty...

Posted by William @ 7/24/2005 09:32:00 PM
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"MOM! MEATLOAF! NOW!"


Captain's Log: Stardate 052019.7
So, I've been doing this dance since 2003, and I typically post anything I want. But it has finally happened. I'm having a Woodward moment. I've got a post I'd REALLY like to write, but I'm afraid. You see, I know I'd be biting off more than I can chew, and I don't want to open that box (MMmm...mixed metaphor?). What, pray tell, am I afraid of? Secret societies.

That's right. I want to write about collegiate secret socities. But I've learned that many of these are tied to more powerful, non-collegiate secret societies. What may start as an examination of Quill & Dagger, one of Cornell's secret societies, would then lead to an examination of Skull & Bones, which would then lead to an examination of that fact that George W. appointed 2 Q&D and 11 Skull & Bones members during his first term. Then, I would have to address the fact that Skull & Bones is considered a branch of the Illuminati. I'm talking real Section 31 kinds of stuff. No, I can't have that. That simply will not do.

I would, then, write about the fact that Quill & Dagger's rival society, Sphinx Head, has been recently revived on campus after 30 yrs of dormancy. I might even discuss the fact that one person cannot accept membership in both. It's actually quite the controversy when someone is "double-tapped". I'd write about the fact that Sphinx Head is older, yet Q&D has more prestige. Then, I might even dangle the tidbit that Cornell's oldest secret society is actually Chancery, which was started when law was still an undergraduate major. When the law school was established, Chancery disappeared. But recent rumors suggest that it has been resurrected.

I would discuss the fact that Sphinx Head take credit for both the pumpkin and disco ball being placed atop McGraw Tower, despite the fact that there is no proof. In fact, it seems that they're taking credit simply to give themselves more clout on a campus that is in drooling awe of Quill & Dagger and its secret rituals.

I might even venture into that other Ivy school (you know, the one that sucks), and its secret societies. Bet you didn't know that Skull & Bones had an island, did you? Well, they do. And both John Kerry & W were in the society. Wonder what kind of fun times they had...

But I've said too much already. I must go, for my life may be in danger. I may be blackballed for this. I suppose I won't even get to write about my own Q&D experience. Yes, I DO have one. But that is for another day. If that other day is to come.

Wait!

Someone is at the door...

Never forget me and make sure my story is told....

*muffled sounds of struggle*

-End Transmission-

Posted by William @ 7/20/2005 01:45:00 AM
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JIM APARO
(1932-2005)

Today, the Batman community lost of of its most influential creators. Jim Aparo, who held the record for the longest artistic stint on the flagship Batman title, passed away at age 73.

If you grew up with Batman during the late 80's and early 90's, then there's no denying his Mr. Aparo's talent. He drew it all. He was there when The Joker killed Robin. He was there when Bane broke The Bat. He was even there when Gotham was leveled by the quake. When the Gothamites left town before the No Man's Land Act, Mr. Aparo left along with them. But his mark on the fictional city could never be forgotten.

Thank you for everything, Jim. The first time I ever saw Batman, it was YOUR Batman. And for that, I will never forget you...

Posted by William @ 7/20/2005 12:52:00 AM
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Fall of the Round Table

A few months ago, I wrote about how there's no one person who knows everything about me. Instead, I posited that there was more of a round table of people who, together, had a fairly accurate understanding of my psyche. Well, the table has fallen. The House of W is no more.

Let me be clear. I have a best friend. In all certainty, Shelly is my best friend. And that's not lovey-dovey pillow talk lip service. She knows me like no other, and she just "gets" it. While I can get tired of most people, I cant get enough of her. I just want to drink her in. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my guy friends. I had the rational friend, the old school friend, the comics friend, etc. These days, I haven't a clue as to where these people are.

Everyone in my life is going through a crisis right now. We're all 23/24, going through that quarterlife crisis. But most of the people around me have gone into Isolation Mode. Is that common? Am I being weird? I can be a pest and a bitch at times, but I like to surround myself with friends during stressful times. Sure, maybe I bring 'em down, and I'm sorry about that, but I don't run. Tell that to my trusty knights....

One friend hasn't returned any calls or texts in over a month. Not sure what I did there, but his message is getting across. Another friend is tired of the world and The Man making him lie to himself, so he's AWOL. Another friend is constantly out of town. And another friend keeps me worried that he's gonna do something drastic to himself. And the worst part? Half of these people have blogs. So, in essence, they're saying, "Fuck off, but tune in for my post tomorrow."

Now, I can understand if people need time to get over shit, but I was just trying to be a friend. I can honestly say that I didn't instigate most of these separations. But, I find that I'm always expendable in cases like these. For as long as I can remember, especially since senior yr at Cornell, I've been the dangling loose end that everyone ties up when the rest of their life go to shit.

But what about me? I'm not always happy. I'm going through stuff. Who's there for me? To the ones who WILL talk, I have listened to them blame me for their trials, I have listened to their pity parties, I have stood by as they refused help or advice. While being a "listener", I realized that they just wanted to feel sorry for themselves. Hey, we all need that sometimes. "Its my party, and I'll cry if I want to". But am I just supposed to wait until you find yourself? Am I supposed to forget all of the stuff you had the audacity to say or not say to me?

Well, call me a drama queen or whatever, but when people do stuff like this, they're only thinking of themselves. And the same could be said for me. I'm being selfish. But I'd like to talk to someone about the DVD release of He-Man, or how great season 1 of "24" is turning out to be, or the developments in Infinite Crisis, or the fact that I ran into a Class Note the other day. But I'm starting to realize that I'm really just a nice acquaintance. Did I ever have a full table like I thought? When did I become the bad guy, and why do I care so much about people when it doesn't seem to be reciprocated?

Whatever...

Posted by William @ 7/14/2005 09:26:00 PM
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"The first music I was ever into as a kid was Michael Jackson. Of course, this was back when he was a seemingly sane Black man, rather than a crazy White woman..."

So, this is a pretty old site, and I'm sure many of you have seen it, but it's still baffling people.

http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com

The best part of the site is the "letters" section. Is it satire or a cruel joke? Most people don't know what to make of it...

Enjoy!

P.S. If you haven't done it yet, check out http://www.negrospaceprogram.com ...Man, they're gonna take back my membership card for this stuff....

Posted by William @ 7/11/2005 12:01:00 AM
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"When you make an omelette, sometimes you've gotta kill a few people."

So, I'm not sure how many of you have read this, but apparently Rudy Guiliani was in London, on the day of the bombings, not far from the Kings Cross station.

Now, my question is: How much bad luck can one guy have? You go through something like 9/11, and everyone tells you, "Yeah, it was horrible, but you'll hopefully never have to experience anything like that again." Yet, lo and behold, 4 yrs later...

What must've been going through his mind? Did he start having flashbacks?

It's truly unfortunate, but I have to wonder if maybe he's cursed or something. Kinda like Gloria Estefan...

Posted by William @ 7/10/2005 11:55:00 PM
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Anybody out the remember the McDLT? You know..."Keeps your 'colds' cold and your 'hots' hot"? Nobody? Just me, huh?

Anydangways...Just got back from Troy, NY with my baby. We had a wonderful time at the wedding of Mr. & Mrs. Keith Herrador (Congrats, guys!). It was a beautiful ceremony, and it was certainly nice to take some time to get away with the love of my life.

Not much going on in the pop culture world, but I'm sure I'll be back in the swing of things soon. For now, I'm probably gonna use this space to cut and paste Penny Arcade or something for the next few days...

I love you, Shorty. I'm out!


*Guests of williambrucewest.com stay at the Best Western: Rennsalaer Inn. And when you're in Troy, stay the Hell away from Nite Owl News. Trust us...

Posted by William @ 7/10/2005 11:21:00 PM
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Previously on williambrucewest.com: Well, let's see...I was being hounded by Eunice at work. Essentially, I had caught her doing some shady managerial work, and I reported it to corporate. Well, they sat on their thumbs, while Darkness proceeded to make my life a living Hell. First, she started writing me up for stuff that I hadn't done, and then she tried to out my relationship with Shelly. In the meantime, Shelly transferred to another store, and I began to hate that H&M more and more. I vowed to leave, in many melodramatic posts seen here. And then...nothing. Until now. Brace yourself for the action-packed season finale. NEXT!

Today's Episode: "Emancipation Chocolate Nation"

So, the other day, I was reading an article about season finales. Apparently, contrary to popular belief, writers have very little idea where a show is to end up when the season is over. In the beginning, they have a general idea of the arc that the character is to take, but in terms of "Will ___ die?", they don't have a clue. They figure this stuff out over the course of the season, and save the big decisions for the end. For example, (Davis stop reading) the writers of 24 originally planned to let the president die this season, but changed their minds atthe end, fearing real-life political backlash. Coward move, I know...

So, why do I bring this up? Well, I had this whole post mapped out in my mind about 2 months ago, but over time, I've either forgotten it or don't care. So, there's not really gonna be an action. No real drama. If anything, this will be an informative post with the air of the "Whatever Happened To..." quips that air during the end credits of a movie(See "Fast Times at Ridgemont High").

So, taking it all back to where we left off, I was at H&M and hating it and Eunice. One day, our store manager kinda tricked us, and we ended up having an intervention in the office. Nothing major, but I told Eunice that I didn't like her and couldn't work with her. Her ass tried to threaten me with litigation for suggesting she was a thief when she wasn't. Yadda yadda.She kept talking, but all I heard or saw was ugly. Anyway, I knew the place was a house of cards, and I was just hoping to get out before it toppled.

In other H&M news, Shelly got fed up of being underappreciated and gave her notice on April Fools. I've never been more jealous of another human being. But in a good way, 'cause I love her and she deserved freedom. So, she got a job as a management recruiter in that magical young adult compound known as Bethesda. Meanwhile, I continued to unload trucks and deal with tax-exempt transactions. My partners in crime were dropping like flies. Bruce had given his notice, retracted it, and then just abandoned his job. Kevin had gotten fired. Jeanine, my most worthy adversary, simply waked out one day. Christina up and quit. Audrey hit the road. Soon, I was the only original cast member left, and I began to understand how Dustin Diamond must've felt when he returned to "Saved by the Bell": I needed the money, but I knew I had no business being there any longer.

I got to the point where I was taking a sick day a week. Not because I had to, but becauseI could. I couldn't deal with a 40 hr week at H&M. It just wasn't in the cards anymore. I'd schedule interviews and call out sick every chance I got. Nobody really suspected anything 'cause I'd vowed I was leaving since the 2nd day i got the H&M job. So, by this point- one year later, I was the equivalent of Crazy Rambling Homeless Guy. Everyone was like, "Sure you're leaving, Will. We believe you."

Well, I showed those sons of bitches. I got a job. It took forever (OK, it could've been a LOT worse, actually), but I finally got what one might call "a real job". I gave my notice, and H&M didn't know what hit them. Guess they thought I was gonna take it up the ass a little longer. My last day at H&M was May 13th.

On May 23rd, I started my new job. So, what do I do? Well, I'm a research analyst for a commercial real estate firm. Which firm? Can't tell ya, lest someone Googles it, and it leads to my site (trust me, it happened with H&M). I prepare sales comparables for appraisal purposes. Basically, when property sells, I call brokers, sellers, etc, to get info on the sale so that it can be applied to similar properties when they go on the market. Do I like my job? Heh...Well, I make a lot more than I did at H&M, so that's a plus. Also, I work in Bethesda...right across the street from Shel. Yup, hilarity will ensue, 5 days a week!

Honestly, though? I'm bored. Out of my skull. I've been doing this for about a month, so I have a general idea of what the job entails. But I'm bored. Still dealing with the "not meeting my potential" aspect. Not sure if its the Cornell snobbery, the Will snobbery, or the cold hard truth, but I still feel like I'm sitting in "Idle". For the past 3 days, I've read the entire 5 yr archive of "Penny Arcade" and caught up on the last yr of "PvP". Yup, SO productive. But, hey, they're paying me. And right now, the price for my boredom is quite affordable.

Whatever became of H&M? Well, Stephen got out and he's now a store manager at Coldwater Creek. Ntumba & Brandy are still keeping hope alive at the store. And did I forget about anyone....Oh, right. Eunice.

Well, Eunice always had a problem with punctuality. Hey, I have my issues, but I wasn't a manager. If I was late, the store could still open. The same couldn't said for her. She had the keys. It had gotten to the point that, about once a month, I had to spearhead the unloading of the truck because we didn't have a manager present. Why? Because her ass was asleep. This was part of what finally drove me out: I wasn't being paid to be a manager. If they wanted me to perform those tasks, then we could renegotiate. Otherwise, that wasn't in my job description.

So, fast forward (or rewind depending on how you look at it), I dropped into H&M to see how Brandy et al were doing. It turns out it was my lucky day. Why? Because Eunice had overslept that morning, and it was the straw that broke Sweden's back. Jen, the store manager, fired her. You know what was even sweeter about the who thing? Eunice had already given her notice, so she was working of her final two weeks and STILL ended up getting fired. I'm sure she'll tell future employers that she quit, but A) her ass isn't rehireable and B) her ass finally got what was coming to it. I only wish I could've been there to savor it...

So, stay tuned for new adventures. H&M's loss is the world's gain. We've got a new workplace. A new status quo. A new neighborhood. But the same old Will. 'Cause "where there's a Will, there's a way!"

Posted by William @ 7/07/2005 10:36:00 PM
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"You paid for the whole seat, but you'll only need the EDGE!"

I was so glad to read this refreshing article in the New Yorker about Roald Dahl:

http://www.newyorker.com/critics/atlarge/articles/050711crat_atlarge

I have always LOVED this man's work, and I feel that outside of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, few people are familiar with his books. In fact, most people just know "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory", which was the Gene Wilder movie. Sure, it's inspired by the book, but not nearly as good. This article helped me to learn what it is I like about Dahl's stories: he cherishes the notion of childhood.

Anyone who knows me realizes that this is a very important thing to me. Just look at my site's tagline. I have "Peter Pan syndrome" like no other, and Dahl has a knack for bringing this out. He was the textbook case of "didn't have a happy childhood, so he never really grew up". Hell, we see this today, from Michael Jackson to the entire frickin' cast of "Diff'rent Strokes".

Not to throw my HD in anyone's face, but it should be noted that "childhood" is a very young concept. We like to think that a person is born, enjoys some play years, and then enters the work world. But the notion of childhood hails from the very beginning of the 20th century. Prior to this time, children were seen a "little adults". The fashions reflected this, as did the activities in which they participated. Dahl was born in 1916, so it's safe to say that he was still reveling in the infancy of this cultural shift. While his own childhood didn't reflect these changes, he took notice and began to romanticize this movement, later featuring it in his books.

In the Dahl-verse, even the unhappiest orphan can seize the day. Charlie slept in the same bed as his old sickly grandparents, in their one-room apartment. But he still ends up with the chocolate factory. James is abused by his aunts, but he still crushes them with his giant peach. Matilda dealt with abusive parents, but discovered she had telekinesis and put them in their place. In Dahl's stories, childhood is about cheerful, reckless abandon. Let your imagination run wild and run wild with your imagination.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share. I know there was that recent quiz being circulated about meaningful books, so this is a collection that's meaningful to me. It may not have the Summer Reading List clout of, say "Heart of Darkness", but I'm always transported to a good place, and notice something new and exciting with each reading...

Posted by William @ 7/07/2005 10:04:00 PM
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"I did punch a baby once...in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick."

What is with Marvel and their promotion of "Fantastic Four"?

This is NOT going to be a good movie, and I feel like Marvel knows this. You know why I say this? Because they simply dusted off their "X-Men" publicity and switched out the pictures.

Every press junket, every promo, every bit of publicity for this movie is just leftovers from "X-Men". Right down to the premiere which, like "X-Men", was on Liberty Island in NYC. Now, Liberty Island had meaning to the X-Men premiere, as anyone who's seen the movie can attest. Is the Statue of Liberty a part of FF? Who knows, but I'm sure as Hell gonna rant about THAT if it turns out it is...

Why are you doing this, Marvel? I know that the Fantastic Four are "Marvel's First Family" and all, but I don't see this as a compelling movie. Part of the draw of FF is the family dynamic, which actually takes awhile to form. They just don't fall in line. Sue and Reed get married, have that bastard, Franklin, and the familial ties begin to show. In the beginning, though, which is what the movie is based upon, they were just four fuck-ups who didn't have sense enough to steer their shuttle away from the radiation...

Posted by William @ 7/07/2005 09:56:00 PM
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"I offered her my honor. She honored my offer. And all night long, it was honor and offer."

Anybody remember "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis"? It's OLD SKOOL Nick@Nite, where Dobie kept fucking up with women. Well, I'm drunk and having a similar night. How are 3 upset with me at once? I was raised by women, but can't understand them to save my life. I just want to sleep it all away..Tomorrow, everyone will love me and I'll be the belle of the ball...I mean...the quarterback!

Current Music: Pure Moods
Current Mood: Baby Dino...traveling through time :-(

Posted by William @ 7/07/2005 01:59:00 AM
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Mini Rant

-So, McDonald's accepts credit cards now. Yeah, I know this isn't a new development, per se, but still...Just what Americans need: the golden opportunity to get fatter and deeper into debt.

-Hey, welcome back, Coldplay! How we've missed you. A new track, you say? Wow, that certainly IS the "Coldplay sound". Hey, Chris Martin, how about something NEW next time :(

-So, I get home the other day, and what do I find? A flag plantd in my yard by Tom Powers, the local realtor. Now, Mr. Powers and I go way back. You see, he's always leaving trinkets on our porches, such as apple butter, yard sticKs, flags, etc. It's all bribery, so when we decide to sell the house, we'll think, "Well, that nice Powers guy was always giving us stuff. Let's choose him!"

But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. When I was younger, I didn't get spanked much, but when I did, my mother made sure that it counted But see, Mommy was older and not as strong as your mothers probably were, so she always needed some sort of...well, weapon, for lack of a better word. And what did she usually grab? A yardstick, or a flag. Yeah, she beat me with a flag. Broke the flag stick on my ass. God Bless America, indeed..Generally, she grabbed whatever was sticking out of the umbrella stand. Hence, my discipline sessions were remiscent of a WWF Hardcore Match. And who, pray tell, do you think supplied most of the armament found in the umbrella stand? You guessed it, Tom Powers. So, unbeknownst to him, Tom Powers is my worst enemy.

Posted by William @ 7/04/2005 01:45:00 PM
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Today's Episode: "Back to the Minors"

So, let me tell you about the cutthroat world of karaoke: you're only as good as your last performace. And, you see, my problem is that I never know when to stop...when to leave well-enough alone.

About every 6 months, I feel the need to get back in the saddle and sing. Since I no longer have an a cappella outlet, I usually find myself at karaoke. My normal place is Cafe Japone, 'cause Eduardo and I kinda "discovered" it a few yrs ago.

Anyway, I usually go around a holiday, and I go alone. As much as it may surprise some, I'm still very shy and get stagefright with the worst of them. I'd rather be with strangers than with friends.

So, i normally sing about 3 songs, and it's that third one that I should always leave off the list. You see, my first two songs are "One More Try", by George Michael and "Hello", by Lionel Richie. Now, I've got to say that I'm not usually a favorite a karaoke. The key to success is picking a "crowd song" that everyone wants to sing, like "Sweet Caroline." But I dont play by the rules. I'm the guy who has to sing the slow songs. But don't knock my choices. I've almost had marriage proposals for singing those songs, I shit you not! But what happens is, I get off on the accolades from the first 2, and usually choose a bad song for #3. Normally, it's song I've never done, but have enjoyed singing along to on the radio. And, normally, it bombs, and it's amazing how quickly your "fans" turn on you.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I was bored as crap, Shelly was having a "girls night", and nobody else was returning my calls. So, I found myself at Cafe Japone. I got my drink, and chose my songs. Sure enough, I chose "One More Try" and "Hello". Due to lack of shuffle, they ended up back to back. At first, the crowd didn't know what to make of me. The night had been dominated by some kind of South American summit, and they had commandeered the playlist. My songs came on, and they warmed up to me. Yup, still had it. But I couldn't leave well enough alone. I HAD to choose a risky third.

While I was choosing my comeback track, this chick came out of nowhere and kicked ASS on Leann Rimes' "How Do I Live". Now, that's also my Karaoke Achilles Heel: competition. There are 2 kinds of people at karaoke: 1) The Crowd Song Drunk and 2) The Competitor. You see, I usually enter the arena as the latter, but it's only good when everyone else is the former. When another #2 enters, it's "Oh, shit." It's kinda like when another Black guy would enter that frat party back at Cornell (C'mon, y'all have seen "Not Another Teen Movie!). Anyway, it blows the wind out of my sails and makes me all self-conscious.

So, she knocked the song out of the park, and the lines were drawn in the sand. It was between me and her, and she had the advantage that she was in the party of South Americans. Her fanbase was loaded (Nice, play on words, Will). So, it was time for my encore, which I had already decided would be my final song of the night. Go out on top, right? WRONG. What did I choose? "Flying Without Wings", commonly known as a Ruben Studdard song.

Now, I say "commonly known" because the Ruben version is the one that 9 out of 10 people know. But anyone with knowledge of European pop (and I figured the South Americans might know this, too) knows that it was originally a #1 hit by Irish boyband, Westlife. Now, this was my first mistake: choosing an obscure song. My next mistake was trying to reinterpret it. I've always hated Ruben's version. I felt he played it safe. So I decided to sing the Westlife version, but the backing track was for Ruben. Also consider the fact that there were different chord progressions, and it's not like I had practiced it before. I was singing without wings, and didn't have a parachute.

So, I got up, did my thing, but my thing wasn't good enough. Early into the song, the South Americans were booing me, as if I'd scored in the wrong goal or something. I persevered, and finished the song. My reward? A lone clap from someone in a corner. Everyone else had either intensified their conversation or just forgotten that I was even up there.

Now, let me tell you about my fans. There was this "reverse 3's company thing" going on next to me at the bar. This chick was there with her 2 gay guy friends, and they were just chillin' with some sushi. After my first set, they were like, "You were awesome!" I went on to tell 'em it was only because of a cappella. They asked where I'd gone to school/sung, and I told 'em Cornell. The girl had actually heard of Last Call, and I instantly had friends. Another guy friend showed up, and he leans over and says, "So, I hear you're incredible at this". Now, this was following Clone Leann had done her song, so I wasn't feeling too confident. I told him, "Well, it's really all about your song choice." Man, was I sorry to be right. My song choice, "Flying without Wings" was NOT a good one, and my new friends did not notice me again. In fact, you could tell they were going out of their way to not really look at me, so as not to have it be awkward. Funny how that works...

So, I got my check, which took forever, and I walked out into the DC night. I only do this every 6 months because of nights like this. It takes me that long to get back on the horse again. I wondered if I still had it, I found out that I did, and then I took it too far. During the 6 months, I'll go to the redneck karaoke and hone my skills. The "minors", if you will. You see, at redneck karaoke, everyone's a drunken crowd singer. You might get the "pro", but he's not competing. He just brings his own CDs, and REALLY gets into the songs. But it's all about him, and no one else in the bar. It's a good place to get your courage back because your ability to make friends and fans is directly proportional to how drunk you're all willing to get. And that's never a problem. DC karaoke is chock full of former a cappella, Capitol Hill interns, looking for one last shot at glory. And they always kick my ass. I don't know if it's really a vocal thing, or if it's the thoughts in the back of my head saying, "They have great jobs and great lives. They don't NEED this. They're doing this for fun." I wish I could say the same, but I put all my eggs in this basket 'cause I'm an attention whore. I NEED this. I think back to the college days when I was singing and happy, and the world was my oyster. I was gonna rule the world when I graduated. Well, I kinda ruled a department at H&M for a while, but that was about it.

Karaoke, to me, is a test to prove that my college career was not in vain. Most people use college to network and study; generally plan for their futures. I, on the other hand, used college for singing. It brought me confidence and took the stress off, but a cappella's what consumed my college career. So, unlike a graduate degree or some specialized skill, what I took away from college was singing. And karaoke is the only place I can get any use out of this. Wow, I guess college WAS in vain. I know, some of you are gonna say, "Don't sell yourself short, Will." And, I guess you're right. But, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go practice. I've got a rematch in December...

Posted by William @ 7/04/2005 03:46:00 AM
permalink | 3 comments

 

"When you live with someone day after day, it's easy to forget sometimes who they really are, and what they can do.

Then when you see it, when you're reminded just what they can do...it's a revelation.

People see me swinging around skyscrapers and they think I'm pretty special. But it's not me. It's her. It's always been her."

Posted by William @ 7/02/2005 11:57:00 AM
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"In 1957, if you were Black, and you were an astronaut, you were out of work!"

http://www.negrospaceprogram.com

This is gonna offend a LOT of people, but I couldn't NOT post it. You've GOT to watch this. Maybe you love documentaries. Maybe you're looking for a good argument. Or maybe you just wanna see what Bookman from "Good Times" has been up to.

Enjoy...

Posted by William @ 7/02/2005 12:21:00 AM
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"Motherfucker loves Cheetos!"

Ok, Beautiful. I SO enjoyed your "pun-ishment", but two can play that game. I see your puns, and I raise you....Jack Handey!

"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink."

"I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away."

"I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know I'm using blanks."

"Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different."

"Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

"Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them."

"If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, i think it's ok to laugh. and let the hostages laugh too. because, come on, life is funny."

"When a child asks me, 'why is it raining?' I think it's a good thing to say, 'It's because God is crying.' And when that child asks me why God is crying, I think it's another good thing to say, 'Probably because of something you did.'"

Posted by William @ 7/02/2005 12:01:00 AM
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Today, the world of music lost the beautiful voice and soul of Luther Vandross. He made us believe in the power of love, and he will truly be missed.

Wherever you are, Luther, I hope you're getting that chance to dance with your father again.

Posted by William @ 7/01/2005 09:49:00 PM
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