"No matter where you go, there you are."

Soon the leaves will change, and I will be reminded of the tool that I was, growing up. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed my antisocial status. My Saturday's were planned to a T. I'd wake up, partake in some TNBC action, and then I'd hunker down and watch whatever craptastic movie Channel's 5 and 20 had to offer. But out of their entire film libraries, there are two movies that always put a special feeling in the air:
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension . Today, I had the pleasure of revisiting the latter.

Let me try to somehow explain why I ever liked this movie. It's like the producers went up to a 7 yr-old and asked, "Hey, kid..what do you wanna be when you grow up?" And the kid responded, "I wanna be a super hero, and a rock star, and a rocket scientist, and kill aliens, and have a flying car..." Why do I say this? Because all of the above describe the title character of Buckaroo Banzai. He is all of those things, and I'm not being metaphorical. He is an alien-fighting, rock star, comic book hero, with an advanced degree in physics. Plus, his band doubles as his superhero support team. Yeah, on my most imaginative day, I can't believe some studio greenlit this, even in 1984.

Just looking at the cast, you get the picture that it's not gonna be an easy stroll through the park. Peter Weller (Robocop) as Buckaroo tips ya off, but anytime you have John Lithgow AND Jeff Goldblum, you'd might as well send the thing straight to video. Lithgow's most sane role was the crazy preacher in "Footloose" and "Goldblum" is Hebrew for "hope you're ready for weird". And we round it all off with the great Christoher Lloyd. Yeah, it's no wonder this thing only has a cult following.

But these lameass reasons are the same reason I love it. I can't believe a studio greenlit this movie! It's that simple. It's not even one of those films where you're like, "I'll bet this rocks when you're high." No, if you watched it under the influence of something, you'd probably go on a killing spree. It's that much of a mindfuck.

I don't know what touches more. Is it the bubble-wrap safety goggles? The cowboy named "New Jersey"? Or is it the irresistable "Pretty Tommy", who surprisingly is NOT a pimp? The aliens disguised as Rastafarians? The fact that they willingly endanger that 11 yr-old kid AND give him a rifle to shoot at people? It makes no sense on paper, and it makes even less sense to watch.

The beauty of the whole film-making process in Buckaroo Banzai is that you KNOW they're trying to weird you out, but not in that artsy Tim Burton-esque way. There's no real method to the madness, just a balls-out "why not?" approach. Sure, you could ask, "Why is Buckaroo ALL of these professions?", but the movie subtlely puts forth "Why NOT?" And once you accept that, all bets are off.

My experience today was just like it's been the past 2o-odd years I've watched this masterful train wreck. The thing comes on, and the events unfold like this:

Minute 1: "Oh, man! 'Buckaroo Banzai' is on! Well, got nothing else to do today..."

Minute12: "OK, I think I've had about all I can handle."

Minute 22: "Wow, is Robocop really singing 'Since I Don't Have You'? I'm gonna have to see where this is going."

Minute 37: "I really can't do this anymore. Fucking Goldblum in that cowboy outfit makes me wanna hit somebody."

Minute 62: "Man, no wonder Ellen Barkin's career went nowhere."

Minute 70: "Guess I've gotta ride out this storm."

Minute 103: "I can't believe I just sat through that whole thing. Oooh...'Baywatch'!"

Well, the Baywatch part didn't occur to me today (God rest its bouncy slow-motion soul), but it never fails that the same exact thoughts go through my mind. And I just find it touching that a movie can make me feel the exact same way, each time, over the course of so many years. I think THAT's what keeps me coming back for more. I go for years without seeing it, and I come back older and wiser, yet I still ask the same questions.

And after 20 years, I still don't know what the fuck this movie's about! I'm serious. Something about an "overthruster", and I know Lithgow looks like he needs a bath...and there's some guy named "Bigbootie" (Awww....Big booty, big booty, big booty!). But in the whole "how much shit can we possibly cram into this movie?", the creative team behind the film gave plot a back seat. I'd be so bold as to say there is no plot. These were the 80's. A time when some bastard created "Toxie, the Toxic Avenger", and somehow spawned a cartoon out of that. My point is that in the "Me Generation" no idea was too farfetched, and "Buckaroo Banzai" is one of the best examples of that.

Well, that's enough sharing. Once again, I'm pretty sure that Austin's the only one reading this who'll even have a clue as to what I'm talking about, but he's my target audience for the pop culture throwback posts, so i guess I'm doing my job if he connects. Stay tuned for my next post, which will be a milestone in the Westverse: post #450!

Posted by William @ 8/28/2005 01:09:00 AM
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"She's gratuitously hot. Like 'even if she was a parapalegic I wouldn't care' hot."

You've never seen an All-Star Pimp Funeral until you've seen Isaac Hayes' "Truck Turner". One of the lesser-known Blaxploitation flicks, it's probably the only place you'll see cocaine sprinkled on a finely dressed corpse and, and here's the clincher, Lt. Uhura as a hardass Hollywood Madame.

Let's see...you've got the one-eyed White cowboy pimp. You've got the standard issue street corner pimp. But my personal fave is the Yafhet Kotto-from-Homicide pimp. "What could be wrong? I'm rich. I have money. I'm cute. I'm handsome." He steals the show!

And who knew prostitutes would grieve so over their fallen daddy? It truly is an enlightening thing to watch. And I leave you with this nugget of wittiness from Lt. Uhooker:

"She's called 'Turnpike' 'cause you've gotta pay to get on and pay to get off."

Posted by William @ 8/20/2005 01:06:00 PM
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"Dave even enjoys some hard rock bands like Genesis and Rush."

So, in the Great American Radio Tool Off, who'da thunk that Ryan Seacrest would edge out Carson Daly?

First of all, what is UP with Carson? He's joked that he's on the Lindsay Lohan Diet, which I guess means he's now a cokehead. But he's lost SO much weight. Now, normally, this would be a boon, but it just serves to make his head HUGE. I mean, he's got quite the cranium. It's like he's thinking for three now.

What happened to the Carson of yore? The Carson who may have been a tool, but he was OUR tool. He WAS TRL. Hilary? Go back to "One Tree Hill". Quddus, or whatever the hell your name is, Justin Guarini called and he wants his head back. 5 yrs ago, if you'd asked me where Carson would be in 2005, I'd have said "President of MTV". Now, he's gaunt, he's got a show that NOBODY watches, and he's got his little radio countdown. Poor guy. He had it made. He wasn't looking for competition. Which is exactly how he was broadsided by Seacrest.

Now, I have followed Ryan Seacrest for MANY years. I mean, pre-Idol. I remember all of his terrible kids game shows, like "Gladiators 2000". I remember his radio countdowns. If you'd asked me where he would be in 2005, I'd have probably predicted he'd be hosting a revival of "Classic Concentration" on GSN. Boy, would I have been wrong!

Not only has he got the Idol gig, but he's got Casey Kasem's "America's Top 40 Coutdown". Frickin' Casey Kasem! Shaggy, himself! The man is an institution. All Carson did was replace Bill Bellamy. Plus, with the Idol gig, Seacrest gets to host every other special that Fox decides to have that involves music and/or teens.

But just when I thought he had nothing else up his sleeve, Seacrest dealt the killing blow to Carson: He just signed a deal to co-host and produce Dick Clark's "Rockin' New Years Eve" through 2009. And, in this contract, it's stated that he will take over the show once Dick Clark steps down. But we know that really means it'll happen when Dick Clark's batteries die; those Cold War model cyborgs can take quite the licking, I'll tell ya! Seacrest saw poor Dick after his stroke, and he saw an opening. Ever the opportunist, that smarmy bastard..."Rockin' New Years Eve"! Not only has Seacrest bested Kasem, but he's set his sights on "America's Oldest Teenager".

Seacrest is playing tracks and taking names! Dont be surprised if you come home one day, and find that your parents have traded you in for Ryan Seacrest. He's THAT much of a bastard! He must have some kind of Charm Powers but all I know is that we should be afraid. Ryan Seacrest will stop at nothing until he has taken over all forms of media with "America" somehow prominently named. Next, he'll go for "America's Funniest Home Videos", which wouldn't be too bad 'cause Bergeron is NO Saget. But then he'll go for "Good Morning, America". And that's just the beginning.

These are SIGNS, people! Seacrest is the Horseman of the Clear Channel Antichrist, and we're just lapping it up. Wake up and rebel! He finished off Dick Clark! That's like someone kicking your cool, hip grandpa in the nuts. And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Posted by William @ 8/19/2005 01:49:00 AM
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"My parents aren't gonna do anything to you! It's not like they're gonna spear you...What? We're African. That's all people think of Africa: elephants, spears, and monkeys!"

Lawdy, lawdy, they's comin' fo' us! There's this report floating around, in which the LAPD make an interesting confession: apparently, there's a correlation between love of Star Trek and pedophilia. Actually, it's reported that out of 100 arrests over the past four years for child molestation, all but one of them were "hardcore Trekkies". Let the profiling begin! "Excuse me sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to put down that phaser, and open up your attic." Or

"Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?"

"No, officer, I don't. I was just trying to get home. I forgot to TiVo Star....Search. Yeah, love that Ed McMahon!"

"Star Search, eh? Well, while we're here...does the term "Kobayashi Maru" mean anything to you?"

"Sure It's the test given to all cadets at Starfleet Academy. The trick of the test is that it cannot be passed. But James Tiberius Kirk was the first person to beat the test because he cheated...SHIT!"

"Well, looky here! We're gonna have to take you downtown, pervert! You're gonna live long and prosper behind bars!"

"NOoooo! There...are...four...lights!"

End Scene

Wow, I really got carried away there.

The sad thing is that I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I mean, this hits close to home, but it's SUCH BULLSHIT. Then again, have you BEEN to a Trek convention? You know that cousin that the rest of the family's ashamed of? Now, multiply him by about 5,000, and you've got a Trek convention. Sure, everyone comes with their own level of commitment, but I was more afraid at a Trek convention than I was in Russia when all of the kids were trying to touch my hair, like the zombies in "Shaun of the Dead" or something...

Some people have tried to explain how it's all Kirk's fault because he taught us all to seek risky, instant gratification in his quest to screw any green chick in a miniskirt. Somehow, that translates into making every Kirk-admiring Trekkie a pedophile 'cause, since there are no green chicks (yet), the next worse thing is kids. It's the whole "exotic becomes erotic" theory (Any Bem fans out there? Man, were they one colossally screwed up family!) But, if you wanna read up on the report, try these links:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ellen-ladowsky/pedophilia-and-star-trek_b_5857.html

http://www.corante.com/importance/archives/2005/05/04/star_trek_and_pedophilia_claim_followup.php

Posted by William @ 8/19/2005 12:46:00 AM
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"This is high school, huh? I've been here four seconds and I hate everyone."

So, finally my geekspertise comes in handy. Today's gossip sites have been going on and on about Skylar Deleon and the supposed
Power Ranger Murders .

Now, many of you all haven't been with me long, but if there's one thing I know in this world, it's Power Rangers. I'll spare you the details, but I know things about that franchise that will make you weep in pity for my soul.

I don't know who Skylar's publicist it, but he/she KICKS ASS! Why? Because he was NEVER a Power Ranger! If you dig deep enough, you find out that he was merely an extra. You know how many extras Saban used? Thousands! Why? Because he didn't pay them! In 1993, a kid would've signed away his soul to lick dog shit off a Power Ranger's boot. Saban only used non-union actors, which is why this guy can't be found on IMDB. In Hollywood's eyes, Skylar Deleon does not exist, so it's funny his claim to fame in this trial is that he was a "Power Rangers regular."

The reports even go as far as calling him a former child star. I know most of the cast of "Diff'rent Strokes" have either died or are busy with their security guard shifts, but have we run out of child stars enough that we bestow the label on just anyone? That Mikey kid was a child star. Soleil Moon Frye was a child star. Hell, for a hot minute, the kids on "Alf" were child stars. But Power Ranger extras? That's the equivalent of a doctor telling you: "The bad news is you have diarrhea. The good news is there's no blood in it." Those kids were the lowest of the low.

My favorite comment about it came from Defamer.com:

"This could be an important test case, helping to further define the level of fame required to beat a murder rap, which now hovers somewhere between "Beretta" and "rental car pitchman/former football star." Our suspicion is that "former Power Ranger" isn't quite going to make the cut. (Unless he was the Green Ranger. Then all bets are off.)"

I laughed 'cause the minute I heard that some "Power Ranger was wanted for murder", the first thing I thought was, "Damn, Tommy! How could you let me down like that?!!" Yup, the Green Ranger was gonna be my OJ, and I was starting to plan my courthouse vigil. I was gonna stand outside the trial everyday, wearing a child' version of the Green Ranger costume. I was gonna hire non-union actors to have mock fights with me in front of the newshounds. And when Tommy was acquited, I'd be the guy releasing the doves.

So, the good news is I don't have to track down some green doves. The bad news is...well, I guess there IS no bad news. Unless you're Skylar Deleon. Dumbass wannabe...

Posted by William @ 8/17/2005 09:24:00 PM
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"Cradle of fuckin' CIVILIZAtion!"

I'd been going at it for about 10 minutes. The sweat was running off my chin, dripping down to my chest. My muscles ached under the heat, but I knew I had to keep going. For her sake.

She'd sent her husband out of town, and she had asked me to do the job that he couldn't do. I'll admit that I was surprised at first, but once I got started, it just felt natural. It was a little wet in places, which made things...interesting. Out of nowhere, she asked me, "Can you do it without the bag?"

"You don't want me bagging it?" I queried, caught off-guard.

"No, I don't want you to use a bag. Would that be OK? Won't you get it all over yourself?"

Determined, I looked her in the eye, and confidently replied, "Nah, it's cool. I don't mind."

I did as she asked, and I finished the job, sans bag. It took about an hr, but I know she'd never had it like before. Especially, since she'd never had it from me before. But she asked, and I had delivered. She wanted to pay me, but I refused to take money for the job. It was on the house...this time. But I won't be surprised if she asks me again one day.

And that's the story of how I mowed my neighbor's lawn.

Posted by William @ 8/14/2005 05:35:00 PM
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"You think this is a game, Biatch? This is Dudes' Night Out!"

So, I smoked my first Cuban the other day. Was certainly an interesting experience.


Man, I really hope the rest of his gang doesn't come for retaliation...

Posted by William @ 8/14/2005 05:31:00 PM
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"And I thought only assholes used the word 'pansy'!"

So, I'm supposed to be Mr. Pop Culture, but there are many glaring omissions in my repertoire. For instance, I've never seen "Titanic"; probably the only red-blooded Metro American to admit that. Do they even use "metrosexual" anymore? I'm so out the loop these days!

Anyway, I plugged one of those holes tonight, and watched a movie I'd never seen before. Which movie? The Kevin Bacon tour de force "Footloose"!

In this day and age, too many people can't dance. They admit it like it's cute or something, "Oh, I can't dance! *giggle*" Half of them, I think, say it just so when they actually kick ass on the dancefloor, you'll be forced to say, "Hey, I thought you said you couldn't dance!" It's all a big tease.

Anyway, this movie touched me, and I realized something. I realized that if dancing were illegal, like crack, everybody would be a fucking Solid Gold dancer. Nothing like making something "black market" to increase its demand. Music is too accessible, so we take it for granted. We've got AM, FM, XM, mp3s, ringtones... It's too much. If you had to turn tricks for a cassette, you'd APPRECIATE that music! I can see it now:

"Yo, man...I gotta have a hit. I'll take anything. I'll DO anything!"

"Anything? Well, I've got 2 hits of Britney, some Starship, and some old Skee-Lo. But it'll cost ya. You sure you ain't a cop?"

This town outlawed dancing, and the if these kids heard 4 bars of Kenny Loggins, for those few seconds they were all Julliard grads. I mean, Kevin Bacon was lauding the praises of Men at Work, for God's sake! Men at Work! Those kids were jonesin' for music like it was going out of style!

And notice how there were no Blacks. Yeah, I know it was a small midwestern town, but that was symbolic. The day that town outlawed dancers, either all the Blacks were executed or they simply left town. 'Cause there ain't no way in HELL Black people gonna live in a town where they can't dance. It's not that they dance all the time, but they'd like the option if the mood strikes them. Same goes for the Latin community. You ever watch Telemundo? They can't give a weather report without dancing! Oh God, I've become such a bigot....

I also got another idea: I want a dance-off between Kevin Bacon and Patrick Swayze. It would be a joint sequel of sorts. I like to call it "Dirty Footing"! In theaters Fall 2006. "'Cause nobody outlaws Baby!"

Posted by William @ 8/11/2005 09:54:00 PM
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I'm so lost, and I don't get to show this side of myself often. Most people think of me as the nice, corny guy, but I've got the same worries and fears as everyone else. It's not all shits and giggles for me, but everyone thinks my toys and comics must make me this happy Willy-Wonka-esque character. In all honesty, I'm probably the most neurotic person you'll meet.

Lately, I've been struck by how thin the line is between "pensive" and "lazy", at least to the observer. My mind runs a mile a minute, wondering and fearing. "Am I making the right choice here?" or "Where will this action take me?" or the ultimate "What was I put on this Earth to do?" But there are SO MANY options! It's bewildering.

I've often said that I wish we lived in the '50s. Now, that may be an odd statement coming from a Black man, but the Mythical '50s were such a simpler time. You didn't go to school to necessarily major in anything. I mean, you'd get your degree, but then you'd get you cookie cutter job that afforded you the 2.5 kids and the house in the suburbs. Sure, there were scientists and the like, but Average Joe had his nondescript job, that he performed every day for about 35 years.

Now, we've got SO many choices. Do we choose a field in our major, or our minor? How will our GPA, from 3 years ago, affect this decision? Do we go for the unpredictable private sector, or go for the security of the Federal government? Do we save for a house or a ring? Do I want to start saving for a retirement I'll probably never see due to my level of stress and freak-outosity, or do I stop hiding from my Federal student loans and actually start paying them back?

I AM thinking and planning, and just because I haven't settled on anything doesn't mean that the journey isn't ongoing. But so many people want to stop me and ask, "What are you doing? What's your plan?" I'm sorry, but every man in his own time! It's like there's a Universal Schedule, and I didn't get the memo. Once everyone else gets their stuff figured out, then they start worrying about Will. Will wasn't worrying you when you were distressed. I'm glad you're going to law school. I'm glad you're moving to your dream job halfway across the world. Sadly, the timing is not right for me yet. It's not out of fear. Nor for lack of trying. I am planning, and I'll let you know when I get there.

So, I'm sorry if I seem flaky or wishy-washy. I'm 23! The same people who like to say, "You've got time" are the same ones who forget and ask, "So, what now?" No, I haven't made up my mind yet because nothing has struck me. I hate to sound all jaded, "looking for inspiration", but I'm different. I was never the kid who said, "I wanna be a lawyer when i grow up." Sure, I said that for about a week, but I knew even then that there were many (some might say TOO MANY) options in life. And I'm trying to find my way.

I could go to grad school right now. But I am not passionate enough about any field to make it a worthwhile investment. To go to school right now would just be me postponing the real world, and I realize this. I MISS school. I do. But I also have about $30,000 in loan debt, and I'm not exactly sitting on the goldmine to pay that back anytime soon. Why, oh why, would I go back to school to add to that, possibly in an industry that doesn't exactly ensure I will be comfortable enough to pay off said debt. Yes, if someone is passionate about something, then theyll find a way. I can honestly say that i'm not that passionate about it. I'm sorry if that sounds like a cop-out, but I feel it's me knowing my limits. Yeah, it sucks that I make money so important to the equation, but it is.

I worry more about money with my "real job" than I did at H&M, and I really don't make much more. I made great money for retail, but average money for "real world". I'm not struggling, per se. I pay all my bills. But there's no cushion. I have no comfort zone for a rainy day. Simply living paycheck to paycheck. Now, I realize that MANY people are in this same boat, and I'm nothing special, but I also like to think that they're worried, too. Sure, they may have found corners to cut and methods for coping, but they're not just sitting pretty knowing that they may be a couple of sick days away from homelessness. So, with the whole "paycheck from poordom" coupled with the "don't feel like I'm living up to my potential", I've got a lot on my mind. As I know many of my cohorts are going through the same.

And I HATE the whole "if money weren't an option, what would be your dream job?" exercise. I've never had a "dream job". My future plans were more personal. I wanted to be a good father and husband. As dumb as that may sound, that's what was important to me. I really just wanted my cookie-cutter job that allowed me to have that life. I'm sorry if I don't sound ambitious, but I was never the person who saw happiness as being dependent on a career. I'd like to have a job that I enjoy. Who wouldn't? But I guess I never really wanted to have a job that consumed my life. Rather, I wanted a life that consumed my job.

So, the next time you see me goofing off, please allow me my fun and understand that it took a lot for me to get there. And if you see me frowning, just know that I really am a good, ambitious person underneath, just trying to sort some stuff out.

Posted by William @ 8/10/2005 11:10:00 PM
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"I love Connect Four. If my entire family died and a stranger offered to play Connect Four with me for a full afternoon, I'd skip the funeral and blame it on car troubles."

Well, RARB has put up the review of "Straight Up", Last Call's latest CD. I had NO part of this CD, so it's not like it makes or breaks me, but they're still my boys, so I care.

http://www.rarb.org/reviews/554.html#

The BEST line of the whole thing: "Straight Up provides the most heterosexually dubious track list I've ever seen from an all guys group." Not only do I agree, but that about sums up my entire life...

Anyway, I NEVER thought I'd read LC compared, favorably, to Off the Beat and the 'Bubs. Who'da thunk, right?

Well, it's certainly an ambitious album, as most of the reviews will attest. It seems like they're catching Hell for using the a cappella equivalent of Kanye West and The Neptunes to produce the thing. All they did was start doing what every other group with a wad of cash to blow did. But I guess people expected more of LC or something.

Anyway, the CD never really screamed "Last Call" to me, but I liked it. Plus, the girlfriend liked it and outside of a few UMD Faux Pas references, I think she may be embarassed by the whole a cappella thing, so I guess the CD's got "convert potential"...

Posted by William @ 8/10/2005 09:55:00 PM
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"If I couldn't collect art, books, and furniture, I'd probably collect baseball cards or golf tchotchkes. And if I couldn't collect those things, I'd probably collect dust. Collecting is more than a hobby; it's a state of mind, a way of life-and it's a delightful technique for taking your mind off overthrowing the government."

So, I'm trying to start a new phrase. Rather, I'm trying to augment an old favorite, and I'm going to need your help. The phrase? "That sucks...with teeth".

You see, and I can't be the only person who feels this way, I've NEVER understood why we say, "That sucks!" when we dislike something. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Yet, we go around saying, "That sucks!" and "That blows" to everything with which we feel displeasure.

Now, if we add teeth to the equation, it suddenly takes a turn for the painful. And that, my friends, is enough to make us scream out in pain.

So, the next time you're disappointed by something, look into your heart, and think about how it TRULY makes you feel.

Does it feel good? No? Then, it probably doesn't suck because, as we've just discussed, "suck" is a good verb.

But does it make you feel uncomfortable, and slightly in pain, wishing you could have back that segment of your life? Well, then, it probably sucks...with teeth.

Posted by William @ 8/10/2005 08:31:00 PM
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"He wants me to go to the moon with him, Johnny, and it's really cold there, I guess, and it's like, my least favorite planet anyway. I'd much rather go to Pluto or Star Trek or China. One of the nice planets that's not so dirty."

You know who I'm getting sick of? Maria Menounos! She's frickin' EVERYWHERE. She's on "One Tree Hill". She's in "Fantastic Four." And let's not forget her main job, "Entertainment Tonight". She's like Media Herpes or something. I can't get rid of her. She's the Jillian Barberie of 2005.

Plus, shoudn't it be a conflict of interest to be an entertainer (I use the term loosely) AND be an ET cohost? First, Mark McGrath joined Extra, which is OK, 'cause who really took Sugar Ray seriously? But when John Tesh started his whole New Age career, he had the decency to leave ET. But Maria's EVERYWHERE. And it's not like she's that talented. She's kinda like the Budget Eva Longoria, which ain't sayin' much. If you can't afford post-"Desperate Housewives" Eva, then Maria Menounos will come to your kid's birthday party and smile for pictures. Then, she'll turn around and show the pics on ET, right after her coverage of Mary Kay Letourneau's wedding. Oh, ET, when did you turn into "A Current Affair"?

Posted by William @ 8/10/2005 08:15:00 PM
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Happy Birthday, Baby!!!

I Love You :-)

Posted by William @ 8/09/2005 12:48:00 AM
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What's the deal with the Cameron family?!!! First, Mike Seaver got
Left Behind and now DJ Tanner's throwing THIS at us?!!!

Whoa, babies! When did these kids get all Born Again? And stop making me feel like crap, Mike and Donna Jo! Don't they know they've gotta have mercy? I mean, cut it out, guys. Pin a rose on your nose, 'cause I don't like this "holier than thou" crap. I guess I'm not saintly enough to visit your site, Candace. You don't want me there? You got it, dude!

Posted by William @ 8/08/2005 10:30:00 PM
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"Now, why am I gonna call you back when I'm busy looking for replacements for your ass!"*

Today was a sad day for the news. First, we lost the great Peter Jennings. He was 67. I think one of my favorite blogs put it best: "I always thought God would take Rather first." While I was never an ABC kid, I always liked Mr. Jennings. He had a Mr. Belding quality about him, like he'd be the cool prinipal, always spouting off useless trivia to make you smarter.

While many may not be aware, the world also lost John H. Johnson. The publisher of Jet and Ebony passed away at the age of 87. When creating those magazines, his goal was to counter the negative portrayal of Blacks in other printed media. While it could be argued whether or not that goal survived changing times, Mr. Johnson was certainly a pioneer. What I learned from him was that 1) all of the best Jet Beauties come from Clinton, MD and 2) if I ever have my wedding pictures published in Jet, I will undoubtedly be the most gorgeous person ever featured in that section. But I digress...Mr. Johnson certainly made his mark on American pop culture, giving Blacks magazines that they could call their own.

Now, let's just hope that shuttle lands, 'cause there ain't nobody left to report on it...


*There's your shout-out, J-E. Man, I sure hope your girl realizes the writing's on the wall...

Posted by William @ 8/08/2005 10:10:00 PM
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"How dare you lie in front of Jesus?!"

I have decided that I would like to have a friend named "Jasper". That is all.

Posted by William @ 8/08/2005 10:08:00 PM
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Trekkie Gripe
The following is from a convo I had with Brian:

WESTMAN2K: they didn't like to focus on it much, but by the time they made it home, the only crew left were basically the senior officers. the pesky maquis were cannon fodder. the few, loyal, starfleet officers onboard were victims of enemies or the freak overloading panel

WESTMAN2K: what is it about those panels? we can build a ship that travels faster than light, but we can't revolutionize surge protection technology?

Shit, if I were on a starship, I'd be nervous just walking down the hallway! You never know when one of those panels is gonna overload and BOOM! There goes Ensign Jenkins!

I always loved how the conn and ops consoles would overload as a result of an attack. You see the sparks and whatnot, and Nameless Crewman would be dead. But seconds later, Nameless Crewman II has to take his place. And you just know that Nameless Crewman II is hoping the surges hold off until his shift is over, 'cause he's got shore leave on Risa coming up, and he's always wanted to make it with a green chick. At this point, he's kicking himself for not taking that assignment on the trash barge, and he truly hopes to find out if it IS easy being green...

Posted by William @ 8/04/2005 01:51:00 AM
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"I'm gonna have you sweatin' like Jessica Simpson takin' the SATs!"

Can you believe that "craigslit.org" isn't taken yet? I mean, someone is missing a GOLDEN porno opportunity there! Especially with the prevalence of dyslexia and poor spelling. Syntax mistakes alone will bring in 40% of the site's traffic.

Apparently, there's a notice saying that it's "coming soon", but if it's not porn, it's going to be such a waste! That's a gift horse, people! Stop looking it in the mouth. All of the good URLs are taken, and there are these, just sitting there, waiting to be the butt of jokes. Now, someone's going to miss out on a vast porno empire because they just weren't using their thinkers. Why, oh why, must I think of everything?

Posted by William @ 8/04/2005 01:27:00 AM
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"Because, in my mind, nothing makes aliens more angry than humans not living up to their full potential."

Apparently, i'm about to enter the seedy underbelly of covert operations. But, since I'm blogging about it, I guess my actions won't be so covert after all. You see, my friend, Davis, wants us to infiltrate Scientology. He feels his mission in life is to bring down that scam for what it is. There's a Scientology center downtown, so put two and two together. Thats right, I give you "Operation: Cruisin' for a Bruisin'"

I don't really know what he has in mind. I've heard a few ideas that I really shouldn't post online, you know, Patriot Act and all. Either way, I kinda think he's serious, and I don't know if that excites me or scares me. I'm kinda like that chick in high school, who's into the rebel who makes his own rules, and he scares me but gets me wet.That rebel bastard might slap me around or pull a knife on me, but I just want him to take me to Summit Point and make out with me....Wow...I got WAY off topic there.

Anyway, Davis has done his homework. We drunkenly discussed the pecking order of the Sea Org. PLEASE, if you haven't heard of this, PLEASE go look up "Sea Organization". For the Cliff Notes version, the Sea Org is the main operating body of Scientology. The crazy bastards dress up in Naval uniforms and perform all of their rituals on a ship in international waters. It doesn't take a genius to deduce that, if something has to be done in international waters, it's a safe bet that it shouldn't be done at all. It's common practice for them to throw "traitors" and the like overboard. And to learn any Scientology teachings above Operating Thetan 8 (OT 8), you must be taught only on the ship.

Rumor has it that the ship is docked in Curacao. What, was Hedonism not an option? Some religion y'all got there. How 'bout we swing over to Cabo and say 'Hi' to Sammy Hagar. He's prolly high enough to listen to the psycho shit y'all are peddlin'.

Look, I'm all about religious freedom, and I realize that every religion is trying to force something down our throats that's a bit hard to swallow. But listen to this stuff! Billions of years ago, an alien warlord sent his enemies to Earth on space planes shaped like 767's so that he could blow them up inside a volcano. Once blown to kingdom come, the spirits floated around until we came along, and they inhabited us. Shit! Power Rangers had a more convincing storyline!

Now, through the wonderous magic of Scientology, we can be purged of these spirits with contributions of $10,000 and up. P.S. It helps to have a SAG card. After all, we want our interests positively represented in Hollywood. Nothing says crediblity like John Travolta and Isaac Hayes. Yup, Chef is a Scientologisy. I wonder how they feel about his Chocolate Salty Balls...

Speaking of Hollywood, let's point out another Scientological failing: "Battlefield: Earth". Yes, this movie, unbeknownst to many, is actually based on the teachings of Scientology. In fact, it is infamous for being known as the biggest cinematic bomb of the past 20 years. It's one thing to look at it as a bad movie. OK, shit happens. It's a completely different thing to realize that the worst movie of all time is the basis for a religion. Hey, John Travolta's no Mel Gibson, but you don't need Jesus as your homeboy to realize that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with that equation. What is it about actors that they buy into this stuff, but the average Joe doesn't. I mean, I want ultimate understanding, but I'm not a major shareholder in Planet Hollywood, so I don't matter...

There's the theory that, like Skull & Bones, blackmail plays a part. Rumor has it that Travolta's only in because they've got "pictures regarding his past". So, you're gay Travolta. You're in Hollywood; EVERYBODY'S gay! Would it really be that bad to come out? I mean, look at the alternative you've chosen for yourself! Why don't you and Tom just cut the crap and get together, and Kelly and Katie can get on with their lives.

Anyway, from his days on "Semester at Sea", Davis told me that pirates still roam the high seas (See, baby? Pirates!). While not as impressive as the pirates of lore, they still manage to knock over the occasional cruise ship or two. So, he'd like to give the Sea Org's coordinates to these pirates, and watch carnage ensue.

I'm not sure it's gonna work out like he plans. After all, maybe those pirates will be pickin' up what those Scientologists are puttin' down. Then, we'd have some bastard Piratologist hybrids running around, looting in the name of purging Thetans. And, then folks, we would be royally fucked. I don't think it's wise to mix Pirates and aliens. Why do i say that? Because Hollywood's never shown this to us. Why haven't they shown it? Because even they realize that NOTHING can beat the team of pirates and aliens. We are royally fucked. Not even Tom Cruise and Michael Bay explosions can convince us that we're gonna win that war. We're not. Just get ready for the probing and the looting. All hail our tentacled, eyepatch wearing overlords. It's over, Sally...

So, the ultimate plan is to sell out the nutjobs to the pirates. But for the covert part, we think we might go down to a meeting, and see what they're all about. It's often said that hatred comes from ignorance. I'd like to be able to say that I hate them, not because of my own ignorance, but because I KNOW they're crackpots. I'm advocating educated hatred. After all, we've got to set an example for the kids...

Posted by William @ 8/04/2005 12:13:00 AM
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"No, asshole. This ain't Walmart. This is Home Damn Depot."

So, how does one know when it's time for therapy? Well, I think the conversation I had with Brett tonight was a good indicator...

Brett: "I was thinking about getting another job, myself. I thought about waiting tables, but I'd love to do something like work at Borders or Blockbuster. Something easy..."

Me: "Yeah..I thought of Blockbuster, but something about it...I don't know, but I just have this feeling that I'd get killed there. I don't know if it's because of "Clerks" or just my fear of death, but I see myself getting shot in a Blockbuster. Maybe it was in another life, I don't know. But what I DO know is that my life is worth a bit more than earning $7 to get my ass killed over a copy of "The Banger Sisters". It just ain't gonna happen!"

Posted by William @ 8/04/2005 12:06:00 AM
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Name That Movie!

And, yes, the following are all from the same movie. It's just THAT quotable.

"First, we get the jobs. Then, we get the khakis. Then, we get the chicks."

"Steevvve Perry!"

"It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Joe Cooper right now."

"Well, you know, it was a team effort...and I guess it took every player, working together, to lose this one."

"Well, we prefer to think of them as 'health-challenged' and 'survival-impaired'."

"...and it appears that time just finally ran out for the old cocksucker."

"If I had a nickel for every time this ball pulled me out of a tight spot, I'd have a shitload of nickels!"

"Wow, the Lord must really have it in for that little boy!"

"You can't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!"

"I'm letting her know that I'm ready to consider thinking about dating her exclusively."

"Wake up, bitch. You're my new best friend."

"We have sullied the waters of the lagoon of peace. And I'm begging you, for the love of our Carribean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!"

Posted by William @ 8/02/2005 09:38:00 PM
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"You gotta have blue hair!"

So, here's an interesting bit of old school TV trivia that surprised even me:

The main living room set on "What's Happening?!!" is the same exact set from "Sanford & Son", without all the junk.

This reminds me of other times when shows shared sets. Let's take a trip through the 90's...

-The first episode of "Living Single" was in the "Family Matters" house.

-The first episode of "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" was in the "Growing Pains" house.

-The high school hallway/staircase used in "Saved by the Bell" were also used in "The Wonder Years" and "Power Rangers".

-The dorm suite in "Saved by the Bell: The College Years" is the same suite used by the kids on "USA High"

-Actually, ALL Peter Engel shows recycle sets AND actors. TNBC was one big free for all. Watch any of them, and you'll find yourself saying, "Hey, isn't that Tony Wicks from 'California Dreams' standing in the middle of the 'SBTB:TCY' dorm room with that chick from 'Malibu, CA'?" Trust me, if you've ever seen the second season of "USA High", you know exactly what i'm talking about. Wow, I think I just referenced the most obscure shows in the Peter Engel teen dynasty. Half of the ones I mentioned didn't last longer than 2 seasons...

Yup, I know I'm impressive....you scared yet? :-P

Posted by William @ 8/01/2005 11:35:00 PM
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