"I just want you for my own, more than you will ever know, make my wish come true..."

So, not much to write about, but my mother was part of a Washington Post article on Thanksgiving day. At long last, the true origin of her name! Enjoy!

Click here

"But here comes Silver West looking for her cousin to arrive. She is worried about being ready for today's feast. She has already baked a poundcake and a Key lime pie, but the roast beef is still frozen. And for the most part, she is happy. Thankful for the son she had late in life and the husband she was married to for four years, four months and four days before he died of an aneurysm. And thankful for her name.

"People say, 'Did you give yourself that name?' " she says, smiling. "I say no, my mother did. She was very poor, but she said, 'As long as I have Silver, I will be rich.' "

Posted by William @ 11/29/2005 08:38:00 PM
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"Avian flu? There's so much to worry about these days. I wish we could go back to the '50s, where all I'd have to worry about are "coloreds only" water fountains..."

Posted by William @ 11/22/2005 01:14:00 AM
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"A chick who can screw AND quote The Rock? I'm gonna marry you!"

So, in honor of the one year anniversary of what is, by far, one of my best posts, I hereby present The Best of WilliamBruceWest.com, and reprint the entry that I like to call "The More, The Marion, AKA The Bitch Set Me Up...Again".

"Watch out, 'cause here I come. It's been awhile, but I'm back in style!"

Today's Episode: "Oh No He Didn't (Oh, YES He Did)!"

A little backstory: I've got a couple of friends at H&M who've never received "the blog treatment" before. Anyway, Juwan and Bruce are fellow retailers-in-arms, and we tend to have a good time whenever we're at work together.

So, last night was Bruce's birthday & he was throwing himself a party at the Banana Cafe. Well, I didn't really know what to expect, but NOTHING could've have prepared me for what the night would bring. NOTHING.

I swear, folks...you've read some wacky shit on this site before, but NONE of it holds a candle to this crazy night in SE Washington...

So, Shelly and I decided to go together 'cause we didn't really know where the place was. Let's see...2 sheltered kids in S.E. DC. I guess we figured they couldn't kill us both, right? Strength in numbers, and all that jazz...

The party started at 6, but we didn't roll in until around 10. Bruce was way drunk, bless his heart! He was glad to see us, as he led us inside. Apparently, it was Karaoke Night @ the Banana. So, he leads us up the stairs, and what do we find? A room full of young, Black gay guys. They weren't all gay, but you couldn't swing a dead cat in the room without hitting one. Now, when I say this, I don't mean it in a derogatory sense at all. I say it 'cause I have never seen a room so CHOCK FULL OF BLACK GAY GUYS!!!

I think what struck me, too, was that it wasn't all stereotype. It wasn't like the "Men on Film" guys from "In Living Color" (Wow, I'm seriously dating myself here). Instead, it was an array of NBA jerseys and denim jackets. They looked like they were in a G-Unit video or something.

Anyway, Shelly and I kinda look at each other; the White Chick & The Straight Guy. We were basically a bad UPN sitcom waiting to happen. But, what the Hell? We're there to have fun, right? So, we get to the bar and Juwan's drunk, too. I mean, DRUNK. But it was cute. He was kinda stumbling around. Every so often, he'd yell "Aw, this is my JAM!" and start dancing.

So, we're drinking our SoCo & Cokes, getting settled, taking it all in. As I look around the room, I kinda start to feel like the last rib at a Black cook-out. There were all these eyes on me, ranging from "What's he doing here?" to "Where've you been all my life, playa?" Now, for you frequent readers, you know that I tend to find myself in these situations ever so often. But this was only the TIP of the iceberg. Let the craziness begin:

A few minutes after we get our drinks, Bruce comes over and whispers, "Y'all will NEVER guess who that is over there!"

I ask who he's talking about, and he points to a table near the window. Brace yourselves, folks

"That's Marion Fuckin' Barry!!!"

I look over and, "Holy shit, that IS Marion Barry!"

Yes, the crack-smoking DC mayor-for-life was sitting right there, about 10 feet from me. For all you uninformed, he's that guy that Chris Rock loves to make fun of. I swear, he's been milking that routine for 10 yrs....

Anyway, at the table sat Marion Barry and the cheapest, Sandra Clark imitation hoochie I have ever seen in real-life. This is one of those chicks who was clearly an escort. Not a hooker, but an escort. What's the difference, you ask? Well, a hooker is someone you just pay for sex, while an escort is someone you pay to be seen with you. She might have sex with ya later, but that's gonna cost extra.

Also, allow me to say that the good mayor looks like SHIT. I mean, during his recent campaign, there was talk of how bad his health was, but I had no idea it was THIS bad. The poor thing looked WRECKED...

"I'm gonna go say 'hi'," I said, as I rushed over to the table. Not really knowing what to say to a world-renowned figure, I offer my hand and say, "Congratulations, sir." Hell, I didn't really know WHAT, specifically, I was congratulating him on. Was it his recent election win? Was it his ability to find a woman to come out with him tonight? Was it the mere fact that he's still alive? Damned if I know. I just figured such a phrase would make him feel good about himself or some shit.

He gave me a limp handshake and kind of mumbled something. I figured it was a pearl of wisdom from a man who'd clearly enjoyed a colorful life and career. "I beg your pardon?" I responded. Once again, he mumbled something. I leaned closer and asked, "What?" The third time, I heard him: "Do I have to go up to the bar, or will they come to the table?" Yup, that's what the old fool asked me. I kinda stammered: "Uh...they'll come to the table.....Did you need anything?" Yup, I was gonna buy old Marion a drink, but he just kinda waved me away. Yes, the good mayor and I were about to become enemies...

So, I decided to sing something, while Shelly & Juwan chilled on one of the couches. The first song was "A Song For You", sung by the Temptations, but better known as a Ray Charles song. Surprisingly, the crowd seemed to like it, or they were just blowing sunshine up my ass.

When I was done, Shelly & I just kinda hung out together, the whole time trying to figure out how the Hell we ended up in a gay bar with Marion Barry?!!! But wait kids, there's more!

It turns out Marion's skank wanted to sing, too. How to describe her... Well, she was wearing an all black catsuit, with a chain around her waist. She thought she was cute, and Marion seemed proud to have her on his arm. That chick had the audacity to try to sing a Mary J. Blige song, and I don't think she hit a single note in the song. But she was just smiling and singing like she thought she could sing. Marion decided to get a closer seat, but as I've said, he's a bit out of sorts these days. As he started to sit down, his chair was tipping over and almost spilled him onto the floor. If someone hadn't caught it from behind, he'd have fallen and I KNOW he wouldn't have been able to get up! So, he sat there, drinking his drink, watching his girl. A couple of the divas decided to help her out 'cause she just wasn't doing that song justice. When she finished, Marion smiled and clapped.

The entire time, we're drunk, off in the corner, asking, "Is that REALLY Marion Barry?!!!' Juwan would scream out, "Why is he HEEERREE?!!!" Bruce came back over, and I asked if Barry was a regular there. His response: "I ain't never seen his crack-smokin' ass around here before!" Barry's like 4 feet away, mind you. I cringe and say, "He's right there! He can here you!!!!" Bruce replied, "I don't care! He knows what he is!"

So, the night continues on, and the drinks keep flowing. I decide to sing another song, but what to sing? Well, I went for the "ringer approach" and chose a song I already knew: This I Promise You (Which, btw, can be downloaded from my music section *wink*). So, I chose my song and signed up on the list.

Turns out, "Catwoman" had signed up for ANOTHER Mary J. song before me. I swear! So, I sat back and watched her butcher yet ANOTHER song, but I also noticed Barry talking to the DJ off to the side. Something nefarious was going on. I think he was trying to arrange for her to sing another song. I'll be damned if I'm gonna watch THAT happen! You see, I was next on the list, and I wanted to sing my damn song.

I kinda got belligerent at that point. Ask anyone on that couch. "What the fuck is he doing?" I asked. " I will fight Marion Barry! I ain't scared of no old Marion Barry!" Sure, I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs, but I was vocal. That's what alcohol does. It's pure science.

I wanted to sing my song and, I'm sorry, there's a line! Luckily, he didn't get in front of me. Shelly swears I wasn't going to do anything, but I don't know...considering how surreal the night seemed, I kinda thought it was all a dream by that point anyway!

So, I got up and sang This I Promise You. It probably wasn't the best venue for such a song; did I mention Black, gay, and S.E. DC? But I wanted to sing it anyway. I guess I was singing it for Alouise. That's my girl, ya know? And we had THE BEST DAY on Saturday, so it was still on my mind. So that's where my heart was.

During the instrumental part of the song, I got a little creative. I said, "This goes out to Bruce, on his birthday. And I also wanna give a shout-out to Marion Barry." People kinda laughed and/or looked shocked. "What? He's right here. We all see him!" I said. Did I mention that Marion was like 2 ft away from me? No? Well, he was. Yeah, it was dick of me. But in a drunk, funny way...

I think I got a little too into the song, actually. In fact, I think I might've been as off-key as Barry's girl. Why, you ask? Well, this dude came up from behind me and said, "You're lucky you're cute." OUCH. Back-handed compliments. Thanks, boys...So, I finished that song, and I think Shelly was the only one who clapped. Thanks, Shel! :-)

But the night was about to jump the shark. Just when you thought it was safe, what happens next? Well, I'll tell ya!

When I get back on the couch, who do i see heading up to the mic? I thought he was lobbying for his girl again, but it was something bigger than that. Something more unexpected. Something monumental. Yes, Marion Barry was gonna SING KARAOKE!!!

I'm about to lose my mind here!!! Am I really seeing this? Is he really who he claims to be?!!! It's all a blur. And what song did he choose for himself? "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay", by Otis Redding. Yes, I was about about to watch the tides roll away as Barry butchered a soul classic. We're falling out of our seats in disbelief! We're scrounging for camera phones and anything else to immortalize this moment. I yell,"Do you know how much Wonkette would pay for these pictures?!!!".

He was beyond bad. It's not that he was tone-deaf..it's just that he wasn't listening to the background track. Then, his lady decided to join him for the WORST duet....I can't even....I'm fuckin' blown! And to cap it off, you know how the song ends with a whistling solo? He sang it! No, he didn't whistle it; he SANG IT!!! Words can't explain...

When he finished, the crowd erupted. I guess we were all in awe of what had just transpired and, as they say in the 'hood, "Marion was getting his propers"...Some of the guys helped him off of his chair, and after a few more political handshakes, Marion and 'ho left the building. It was like a mass UFO sighting, though. For the next hr, we were all asking each other, "Did you see that?!!" or "Did that really just happen?" or, my fave, "Fucking Marion Barry?!!" It was like, for that night, we were all brought closer due to our shared ordeal. I can say that I'd do anything for Bruce, Juwan, and Shel. Well, maybe not ANYTHING, but you get the point. God bless alcohol and fallen celebrities...

The party wound down, we closed out tabs, and Shelly and I laughed about that shit all the way back to MD. I hope this made some kind of sense in print, but you really had to be there. And I'm sure it'll never happen again, so you missed out. But from this day forward, children around the world will sing songs of the time Crack-smoking Marion Barry Sang Karaoke in the Gay Bar. And if you ever hear them sing these songs, you just tell 'em my name and that I was there on that fateful day.

Marion Fuckin Barry...

Posted by William @ 11/22/2005 01:08:00 AM
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"Damn Internet. They don't care whose lives they ruin."

I HAD to post this link Lip sent me:

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200005/df20000517.jpg

Posted by William @ 11/22/2005 01:07:00 AM
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"More than meets the eye!"

So, as an addendum to the Myspace saga, I was looking at the pic and I realized I was wearing the The Black Turtleneck.

I'm not sure if I've ever told this story on the blog before, but if you've met me for more than 5 mins, you've heard this story.

Anyway, back in college, I used to look forward to a cappella events 'cause that was the extent of my social life. When we'd go on tour to other schools, that was the mother lode. Imagine, being 19 and thinking you're the shit 'cause you can sing a poor rendition of a popular boyband song, and people will ACTUALLY pay money to watch you do it! It was the tits.

One of our favorite schools to visit was Yale. Now, I missed the first trip which yielded National Greg Levow Day (ask a callboy), but I WAS there for the next trip. We were singing with a group called Something Extra (who ROCKED, btw) and we knew that afterwards was the obligatory "after party". Sometimes these parties were ragers. Sometimes we would've had more fun at a Denny's. This party was...interesting, to say the least.

Well, I happened to be wearing the same sweater as in the pic, and little did I know it would become a conversation piece. One of the members of Something Extra starts giggling to one of her friends. I guess the friend said "Go for it", 'cause the next thing I know, there she is in front of me. Let's examine the awkward exchange which followed (along with commentary!):

Her: "Oh my god! Are you wearing a black turtleneck?" (What kind of a line IS that?)

Me: "Uhh....yeah..." (Smooth, Will)

Her: "Oh, god! I totally LOSE IT for guys in black turtlenecks!" (Umm...desperation, party of 1)

Me: *nervous laughter* "uhh...heh...you lose it for guys in black turtlenecks?" (that's right, Will. Reflect it right back at her)

Her: "Yeah!"

Me: *nervous laughter* "....." *turn and run away*

Yeah, I ran. It goes without saying that we weren't invited to sing with Something Extra again. Was that the reason? Probably not. But I gained a new reputation that night. I'd gone from being "The Black Guy in Last Call" to being "That Weird Black Guy in Last Call". We had Eddie by then, so he was the normal one, and I was the crazy Negro.

It loses some of its emphasis on paper, 'cause you have to see the gleam in her eye. She TOTALLY lost it for guys in black turtlenecks, but what exactly was "it"? I'm thinking her sanity. Either way, I didn't even know how to play that game. Was it a joke? Was it real? The world may never know. But I'm still alive today, so I think running was the correct choice...

Posted by William @ 11/18/2005 01:47:00 AM
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"Goddess, NO!"

So, I'm starting to think of myself as the Ted McGinley of blogging. For the uninformed, Ted McGinley is an actor who is referred to as a "show killer"; every time he is added to the cast of a show, it ends up getting canceled. The main exception to this is "Married...with Children", where he played Jefferson Darcy for about 9 years. Prior to that, he had a hand in killing "Happy Days" and "The Love Boat". It's not his fault, but people seem to think he's cursed. The same goes for the lovely Rena Sofer and Carla Guigino.

Either way, whenever I comment on someone's blog, I kill the thread. Sometimes, I kill the blog entirely. There's a site out there called "Ithaca Has Gorges". It was created by some people I know from Cornell, and I found them through a random, boring afternoon online. Anyway, while they hadn't been online long, they'd prolific in a short span of time. I commented about how glad I was to find them online, and then nothing. Nothing which lasted for about 2 months. They finally posted again 2 weeks ago, but it still seems like they're on life support.

This is only one example, but I have had this happen many times. And all I'm trying to do is cultivate e-friendships. Listen to me, I'm like Casper, the Friendly Ghost over here!

Posted by William @ 11/15/2005 12:39:00 AM
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"You've got the touch!"

So, if I were a Transformer, I think my name would be "Windbreaker". Not because I'm especially flatulent or anything. It's just that it's a "Transformer-y" kind of name. It's one of those names that, when the Transformers came to Earth, they overheard the word and didn't realize the connotations it might have on their adopted homeworld. Instead, they would've thought that it sounded noble. "He who breaks the path of the wind". That's some mighty majestic shit when you think about it. Doesn't even make ya think of the flimsy jacket or the fart that it SHOULD remind ya of.

This must've happened a lot. Take Bumblebee, for instance. Yes, he was a Yellow VW Bug, but if he'd known more about Earth, do you think he'd really have settled on Bumblebee? He would've at least chosen "Yellowjacket" or maybe even something like "Stingback".

For those of you who don't remember, the Transformers didn't come to Earth in their car/beast forms. They came as robots, but needed disguises. Once on Earth, they performed a scan to get an idea of how they'd best fit in. In the original series, they mostly became cars and trucks. In the spin-offs, they became animals. Mainly, their disguises were based on the era in which they arrived on Earth. But what if they'd come in the 60s? Would we have "Segregator", "Boycott", and "Backofthebusatron"?

The world may never know.

Windbreaker, signing off.

Posted by William @ 11/15/2005 12:22:00 AM
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"Viva La Rasa!"

Rest in peace, Eddie Guerrero. Wherever you are, I hope you're putting the Frog Splash on the best on of them! Tell Andre, Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Crash Holly, Miss Elizabeth, and Ravishing Rick Rude that I said "Hi".

It makes me wonder, though. When The Undertaker finally dies, are we really gonna believe it? I mean, first of all, a wrestler's death is just a way to let you know the seasons have changed. Since the advent of Stacker-2, there've been about 5 wrestling deaths a yr. But also, 'Taker has "died" about 4 times already. Are we gonna think it's just a gimmick? How much time will have to pass before we realize it's "for real". His usual "death time" was about 6 months, so if they announce his death, and you don't hear anything for more than 6 months, I guess it means 'Taker's dead. Refer back to this entry when the announcement is made.

Posted by William @ 11/14/2005 01:27:00 PM
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"No More Mutants..."

So, lately I've been pondering a question which has plagued mankind for decades: Betty or Veronica?

There are so many things to think about in this debate. I mean, instead of weighing pros and cons, you have to get down to the core of their character. Since Archie is such a useless 'tard, I figured I'd have to get down to the nitty gritty and figure shit out.

Betty is a cutie. She'll bake ya cupcakes and she'll feed the homeless. But she'll never let you know that she thinks of you "that way". You'll always be her closest guy friend, and she'll unknowingly torture you by asking you for advice while she tries on swimsuits in front of you. She secretly longs for ya, but she gets poonblocked (did I just make that up? I think I did!) right as she gets the courage to make a move. And who is responsible for said blocking? Veronica.

Veronica is a hottie, but she's also a bitch. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though. Some people like a challenge. She's a tease, and she LOVES it. She'll make you buy HER cupcakes, and you'd better not bake 'em yourself 'cause she wants to know you spent money on her. She doesn't really even like you as a friend, but she likes you as a "plan B". She likes to watch ya squirm as she puts on a fashion show for ya. She knows Betty likes you, and she couldn't care less about you until she realizes Betty's about to move in on her toy. Then, she cranks it up a notch.

Now, let's get graphic. Betty's the girl who will act coy, but is just timing herself before giving ya a BJ. Veronica, on the other hand, is the chick you'll have to beg for a handjob. And when you get it, she'll make it seem like you've inconvenienced her. Betty is a wild, well-kept firecracker, while Veronica is a cold fish who wants you to do all the work.

OK, I've clearly thought too much about this, and I'm even disgusted that it's gotten this far. But I've got to finish what I started.

The winnah: Neither

Surprised? My aim was to pick the right girl for Archie. Sure, we each have our preference, but at the end of the day, these fake ladies live in Riverdale and not the real world. I feel like they're both wrong with Archie, or else he would have made a decision after 50 yrs! Veronica keeps him excited, but he'll never get it. And he blows all his chances for Betty by falling for Veronica's tricks. So, it looks like Archie's gonna end up with Jughead.

Ok, ok. Who would I pick? BOTH. And that fucktard Reggie can watch. Man, I hate that guy!

Posted by William @ 11/14/2005 12:31:00 AM
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"Nobody wants a 'Charlie in the Box'."

So, I recently returned to my former part-time work at Toys "R" Us. Why? Because I need the money. But I felt like a sell-out going back, seeing as how I swore I never would. Anyways, life's a 'yatch sometimes. That's not what this post is about. This post is about the fact that TRU's radio has switched over to non-stop Christmas music and it makes me wanna blow my brains out.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas music. I was almost a Christmas baby. But I can't deal with the music continuously. Why? Because they're all the same song. In all honesty, there hasn't been a Christmas song to make a dent in recent pop culture since Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Prior to that, it was all that jazz about Grandma and the reindeer. My point is that the Christmas music industry is a big pissing contest. A sense of "Who can alter 'O Holy Night' the most?" And most Christmas songs are like the National Anthem: Yeah, it's your time to shine, but the more you mess with it, the worse it's going to sound.

It all goes back to "The Christmas Song". I want to bring up a little reverse affirmitive action here. Everyone talks about Elvis stealing music from Blacks, but we did it, too. "The Christmas Song" is a Mel Torme song, but most people don't realize it since you can't scratch your balls in December without it sounding like Nat King Cole singing that blasted ditty.

It just comes down to the realization that "Christmas song" and "originality" can never be used in the same sentence. They are all the same. So, unless you've got an original song, I don't wanna hear it. Something about Santa and Jesus saving the world from Nazi aliens on Christmas Eve. Now, THAT's original.

Posted by William @ 11/14/2005 12:01:00 AM
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"Of course. I'm a bender. I went to Bending College; I majored in Bending."

What is it with weird people? They're always like, "Don't judge me! Who are you to judge me?" But you're frickin' weird! I'm weird, so I think I'm allowed to call it. But I can't deal with people who wanna be all "eccentric", but can't take the scrutiny.

For example, the other day, I saw this guy riding his Segway to the elevator for the Metro. I couldn't help but laugh inside. Motherfucker went out and bought a Segway, but he STILL has to rely on public transportation. Nice math there, numbnuts.

Anyway, he's waiting for the elevator, on his Segway, but he's facing forward in that "Hollywood-actor-hoping-fans-and-paparazzi-won't-notice" kind of way. You could just see in his face that he was thinking, "Man, I hope I don't have to deal with another fucker asking about this Segway." Dude, if you can't deal with the attention garnered by your "Sidewalk Chariot" (I'm applying for a trademark there, so don't steal it!), then maybe you're not READY for a Sidewalk Chariot.

It's the epitome of "Be careful what you wish for." You just know that once he got tenure at his prestigious job, he was flipping through a catalog and ran across a Segway. "Eureka," he said. All smart people say "Eureka". "This Segway will really stick it to Dr. Fleming in the Anthropology Department! I shall be the cock of the walk!" Well, look where it got ya. EVERYBODY's staring, and it ain't so nice being the cock now, is it?

So, my lesson is this: if you want to tattoo your face, or pierce your eyeball or have vulture wings surgically attached, you'd better be the cockiest, most confident son of a bitch I've ever seen. I once learned that you can get people to believe anything you say as long as it's said with conviction. Same goes for actions. If I see a guy with surgically implanted wings, but he's got this swagger that simply says, "I know all you motherfuckers want my wings", I'm gonna want his wings. But if I see him sulking, with that look of "What was I thinking, going to Mexico for these wings?", I'm simply gonna say, "That's one dumb fool." I can then judge you, because it's on your face that you have already judged yourself. The verdict is in! Segway Dude sucked.

Posted by William @ 11/12/2005 05:05:00 AM
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"Or does the water get him instead?"

So, apparently, I'm the slow kid on the block. It blew my mind the other day when I found out that "American's Most Wanted" has its headquarters based in my office building!

I had wondered this for some time because I used to see guys in the elevator wearing AMW polos and jackets, but I always thought, "Oh, how NASCAR of them!" But the other day, two of these middle America elevator men were discussing John Walsh. So, I got back to my desk, and got to googling.

Turns out AMW is actually a different production company, which occupies an entire floor of the building. I ran to my coworkers with this news, and they all looked at me like, "Where have YOU been?" I guess they all knew they worked in the House of Walsh.

So, now I have a new quest. I MUST meet John Walsh. It seems like everyone and their dog has seen the guy. The owner of the coffee shop downstairs says Walsh always comes in for his coffee and his limo stops right outside. I've been dropping hints when I walk by the concierge, saying, "Boy, I sure would love to meet John Walsh." They know what's up. So, hopefully, I'll soon have a great story to post about meeting John Walsh. Man, I haven't a good celeb post since the time I saw Marion Barry sing Karaoke at the gar bar (seriously, it's in my archives from November 2004).

Posted by William @ 11/12/2005 04:38:00 AM
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"'Iraq' is Arabic for 'Vietnam'."

I know I've mentioned this before, but it boggles the mind.

So, I was just watching Telefutura (formerly known as Telemundo; when did THAT happen?) and they were dancing. But IT WAS THE NEWS!

Aye, Dios Mio! Donde esta? Come on, people! What is with the dancing? I get that you're a rhythmic people, but let's dial it down a notch. You dancing while telling me about that train crash ain't gonna lessen the blow. It just makes you seem insensitive and it makes me hate you.

But I guess that's moot since they never cover real news anyway. In the world of Spanish television, there seems to be nothing but singers and soap stars. These shows spend an hour just showing video footage of Lorenzo Lamas leaving a restaurant. Yup, the Renegade himself. Oh, and don't forget the soccer, I mean "football". GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!

Well, gotta go. They just stopped dancing, and I think Angel's about to introduce some footage of Ricky Martin buying soap.

Posted by William @ 11/10/2005 02:18:00 AM
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"We are men. Men is what we are."

Can somebody PLEASE develop a daytime talk show for Terry Mcmillan? I swear, she is one of the most entertaining interviews I've seen in a while. It's so refreshing to see someone with real feelings, who hasn't been coached by their handlers and publicists. I'm paraphrasing, but her description of the relationship went like this:

"I never expected it to be a long-term thing. When I'm 70, he was gonna be 50. We weren't gonna be sitting on the porch in rockers. I felt that it was happiness, and you have to enjoy happiness for as long as it lasts. I treated Jonathan as a puppy. In the beginning, puppies are frisky and full of energy. You nurture and take care of a puppy, and he will lick you all over and love you to death."

The Oprah interview wasn't as "Springer-esque" as I had hoped, but Terry never stopped entertaining me. Whether it was her quick wit, or the animated way in which she shook her head, Terry really needs to do this on a daily basis. Forget Tyra and Martha. I want to see Terry in Fall '06.

Posted by William @ 11/10/2005 01:41:00 AM
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"Be cool, my babies."

So, I'm having so much fun, I had to do a "Part II" regarding MySpace. It's such a guilty pleasure. But I think what keeps me coming back is the fact that, except for a few peeps (looking at you, airni), there is NO class to found on the site. I mean, it's like a big GED registration meeting on there. And I can't get enough. It's like a car wreck.

Hey, all you single ladies out there; nothing says "hot" like a picture of you and your baby. Keep up the good work. So, should I bring you flowers or Similac?

But my personal fave are the guys who're clearly saying, "Hey, dude...watch me flip off this camera!" Yup, you really showed that camera, man. You sure put it in its place.

Friendster was created for random encounters outside of the setting of a typical online dating site. Facebook was created so everyone could relive their collegiate glory days, long after leaving the hallowed halls of higher learning. But I find that MySpace has 2 different putposes; it's either saying 1) "Dude, sign my band. We can't set up a real site, but check us out. We're going places." OR 2) "Hey, can you give me a ride to the free clinic? I get out of detention at 4."

Seriously, they need to enforce an age requirement on there or something. It's like R. Kelly's dream world. I don't think any of those kids can vote. I wish I could go undercover in a high school to investigate 'cause MySpace must be the coolest thing to hit high school since blowjobs lost their classification as "sex". I'd really love to hear it from the horse's mouth that MySpace is "tha shizzle".

I love that MySpace really just supports every negative stereotype about society. All Asian guys are into riced out cars and anime. All Black guys are underground rappers. And all Spanish chicks are named "Angel". Someone needs to have an intervention in that last one. They're just settin' her up for a life of table dancing.

Anyways, I'm out. Chae is pickin' me up in his new Civic, and we're going to drop Du'wayne off at the studio before we go see Angel's new baby.

Posted by William @ 11/09/2005 02:49:00 AM
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"How much is in a 'brazillion'?"

Ahh...nothing like ruining a punchline. Anyways, you know who has the most impressive IMDB profile I've ever seen? Cree Summer. Yes, THAT Cree Summer.

For any black kid over the age of 20, Cree Summer is best known as "Freddie", the weird hippie chick from "A Different World". But to everyone else, Blacks and Whites, she's best known as the voice of Elmira on "Tiny Toons". But it doesn't end there. It can be argued that there hasn't been a cartoon made during the past 20 yrs that Cree didn't have a hand in. I kid you not. Who knew she was also Penny from "Inspector Gadget". PENNY! The chick who solvedall the mysteries with her dog! That character is a CLASSIC! Plus, as an added bonus, Cree's brother is Rainbow Francks, who plays "Lt. Aiden Ford" on "Stargate: Atlantis". Regarding that, Cree played a character in the Disney animated "Atlantis", while he brother stars in "Stargate: Atlantis". How odd. Damn, halfy hippies...

Anydangways, I'm all geeked out, but it's definitely worth checking out. What? You expected me to post a link? You should know I'm WAY too lazy for that. You'll find it. I have faith in ya...

Posted by William @ 11/08/2005 01:20:00 AM
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"You know what's funny about life? You can never lose your sense of humor."

So, there's a lot of buzz about how SNL is dying, blah, blah, blah. The critics say this every 5 yrs or so. But if you ask me, SNL started dying when Mr. G.E. Smith disappeared from the bandstand. The former SNL bandleader, Smith hasn't really been seen since the Norm McDonald OJ-bashing days of the eary 90's. Hell, it's said that Smith only got the job 'cause he was sleeping with Gilda Radner, but that's neither here nor there. His bluesy riffs always sent the audience to commercial, hanging on for the next skit. Well, while blogstalking today, I found that someone else agreed with me wholeheartedly:

"Today's buzz-bands like Franz Ferdinand and The Strokes only THINK they know about rock and roll. But if they knew anything, they'd quit ripping off 80's rockers and take a page out of the book of G.E. motherfucking Smith. What rockers are missing today is that Smith Swagger - oozing supreme confidence in the sickness of their rock, leaning against the back of the saxophone player, while hammering out bendy guitar notes and grinning like a billionaire on ecstacy getting a blowjob."

Posted by William @ 11/08/2005 01:11:00 AM
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"Will you protect this house?! I WILL! I WILL!

So, I'm officially a man now. No, I'm not talking about THAT. I mean that I went to first professional football game, and IT ROCKED. I've never even watched a whole game on TV. Not even the Super Bowl. But I really got into the action. I watched as the Baltimore Ravens faced off against the Mighty Bengals of Cincinatti.

Even though it was my first game, I think I caught on fairly quickly. And, of course, beer certainly helps the process along.

One of my favorite aspects was the video montages. The Ravens sure love them some drama, and every promo seemed like it was produced by the same guy who does all the WWE entrance music. When that musica kicked in, and you saw the purple images, I didn't know whether to look for the Undertaker to walk out, or if I was gonna hear "A film by Michael Bay..." The Ravens certainly have delusions of grandeur, but it's a great part of the spectacle known as football.

Ravens lost, but I had an awesome time. Thanks, babe, for taking my football virginity. Even though it was my first time, you were gentle and loving throughout. Plus, I didn't cry afterward.

Posted by William @ 11/08/2005 01:04:00 AM
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"And you expect me to go into business with you?!"

So, I'm trying to get fired. I'm fairly certain of it. Why do I say that? Because I haven't done jack shit in DAYS. At least, nothing involving commercial real estate. What I HAVE been doing is getting back into the swing of online networking.

I used to do Friendster, but I've since let it fall by the wayside. I mean, it was cool until the facebook came along. Then, we could be just as elitist as we wanted. Finally, a site that had a certain college requirement! And not just any college. In the beginning, it was top-tier schools.These days, they'll let anybody with a certificate from Lincoln Tech on there, but in its glory days, the facebook fed my inner snob like no other.

Eventually, I decided I should get away from collegiate things, and try to grow up. At that point, I sort of dropped the facebook. I've been invited to Xuqa and another one (forgot its name), but I just didn't feel like starting a new e-relationship. But there was one beast, staring me in the face. Over the weekend, I caved. I joined MySpace.

Now, I only set it up to direct people over to this site, but it also lets me look at people's pictures. The picture feature is the most important part of online social networking. I can't tell you how many people I've added as friends just because I recognized their face, and not their name. Hell, that's how I got through glee club! There were no names; there was "guy with the hat" and "crunchy, treehugger guy with beard".

Anyways, I really focused hard on my own pic and came to a startling conclusion: I'm nowhere near as hot as I used to be. Hear me out. This isn't for sympathy or compliment fishing. It's just that I don't know who the guy is in those pics anymore. He was hot, kind of suave. Looked like he might have been dangerous. The kind of guy who'd take you home, but leave cab fare on the nightstand. Hell, I'm attracted to that guy. But alas, I am no longer him. Where did he go? I don't know.

Online network pics always have a good story behind them. Usually, they're a group pic that's been edited, or it's some candid, drunken party shot. I always hate the ones that have, like, 3 people in them, and the person used MS Paint to circle themselves, adding "I'm the one on the right." Either way, there's always a story. Even the bad pics have stories, where you can't help but think, "Poor girl, was THAT her best pic?"

Here's the story of my own pic: All of them have exes edited out. OK, I guess you can't say "all" when you only have 2, but they're both the remnants of couple pics. It's the modern day equivalent of ripping the pic in half when you're in an emotional, post-relationship rage. Keep in mind, I haven't had a scanned pic in 3 yrs, which is why I've been rotating between the 2 pics, but they both have stories.

Why do I keep using pics with memories attached? Am I still carrying a torch? No. The answer is simple: That Will was hot. I haven't looked that good since college, and I keep it around as a reminder of what I've been, and what I might be able to reclaim in the future. Sure, I'm no Brad Pitt, but you're reading the ramblings of a guy who used to weigh 250 lbs and could only buy clothes in the Husky Dept. The "black turtleneck" Will of 2002 was a classic! I'd love to look like him again. So, when peole are meeting me online, I want to put my best e-foot forward. When I get a better pic, I'll replace the current one. But for now, what you see is what you get.




P.S. Someone, PLEASE take a new, GOOD pic of me. Preferably when I'm not looking. I hear I'm really hot in a tuxedo...

Posted by William @ 11/08/2005 12:14:00 AM
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