"Whatchu gon' do wit all dat breast?"

So, anyone who knows me knows I have a dirty mind. I see sex everywhere, and I should probably be in some kind of therapy for that. In any regard, tonight, I felt that my thoughts weren't my own fault, but the fault of Fisher-Price.

Has anyone out there heard of "Rescue Heroes"? If not, they're these super-deformed action figures made specifically for younger kids. Emerging from the post 9/11 Hero craze, they tend to focus on firemen, cops, and other emergency workers. Well, their names are usually puns, but tonight I realized something else: they've all got porn star names.

I know you're thinking, "Sure, Will....porn star names...", but it's true. These things could be passed off as something innocent, but I just know that the designers at Fisher-Price are laughing their asses off that they actually snuck these things into stores. I actually kinda know the director of market research, and I'm half tempted to e-mail him and ask him directly.

Think I'm crazy? Allow me to list the current assortment of "Rescue Heroes". And no, I did not make up any of these; I only wish I were that gifted:

-Rex Steel
-Rock Miner
-Perry Chute
-Cole Burns
-Seymour Wilde
-C.D. Moon
-Holden Breath
-Jack Hammer
-Rivet (I kid you not!)
-Val Cano
-Telly Photo
-Clamp Down (I swear!)
-Back Hoe (I swear it again!)
-Swinger (even that one surprised me!)
-Kenny Ride (the Black guy)
-Warren Waters
-Captain Cuffs (kinky!)
-Ariel Flyer
-Sandy Beach
-Moe Zambeek (surprisingly NOT a Black guy; still has a porno 'stache, though)

But get this, there's also a suped-up line of figures, called "The Dual Tool Team"! These include:

-Dual Tool Team: Rip Rockefeller
-Dual Tool Team: Gil Gripper
-Dual Tool Team: Rocky Canyon

and the main vehicle for this line is the "2-in-1 Ultra Light Vehicle"

But my Personal Favorite has to be "Force of Nature", Roger Houston

So, there ya have it. Bratz Dollz make your daughters grow up to be trendy, superficial bitches, while Rescue Heroes start your sons off on the road to the wonderful world of skin flicks. Man, if they ever merge the Bratz line with the Rescue Heroes, I SWEAR teen pregnancy rates will skyrocket. And we'll only have Fisher-Price to blame...

Posted by William @ 12/13/2005 12:55:00 AM
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"And I ran..."

I want to congratulate my bubalah for running her first marathon! Yes, Shelly completed an AIDS marathon in Hawaii yesterday. She said she got a strain around mile 17, but still worked it out. I'm sure details will follow on her site, but I just had to beat her to the punch. I'm so proud of you, babe, and I love you SO MUCH! :-)

Posted by William @ 12/13/2005 12:52:00 AM
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"...Dead Honky!"

It's a sad weekend in the world of comedy, for Richard Pryor has died. Yeah, I could go on and on about how he was a pioneer for Black comedians, yadda yadda. But I'd rather point out that he was the only redeemable part of "Superman III". And now Gene Wilder will never work again. It's kinda like what happened to Spade when Farley died.

Anyways, I hate that all of these relics of my childhood are passing. First, Mr. Miyagi/Arnold, and now Richard Pryor. I swear, if I hear that Sloth from "The Goonies" is dead, someone's gonna have to talk me down from a ledge!

Posted by William @ 12/13/2005 12:48:00 AM
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"I just MAKE plans. I don't stick to them!"

So, the other night, I ended up having a themed movie night without even realizing it.

First off, I watched "Glengarry Glen Ross". If you've never seen it, it's essentially about a group of guys trying to make a living in the real estate game. But the underlying gist of it is that they don't make men like they used to. Rather, there are no "men" in the world anymore. Back in the day, a salesman had his gimmick, and he could turn a buck, and provide for his family. He knew his job because he WAS his job. A man was his job. But by the time of this movie, that concept was outdated. Those men were dinosaurs because the world no longer responded to their sales techniques, while they, in turn, never really adapted to the changing world. The basic question of the movie is "Where have all the men gone?"

Next, I followed it up with "TAPS". If you've never seen that, it's about the closing of Bunker Hill Academy so that they can use the land to build condominiums. The cadets rebel against this idea and decide to take the school by force until their demands are met, and the school is allowed to stay open. But under all of this, there's still the question of "What is a man?" and "What is a soldier?" These cadets thought their mission was fueled by a sense of duty and honor, but these were concepts that the world no longer seemed to understand. While they were taught to glorify war and that death in battle was noble, they came to find that even career soldiers had fear. The main goal of war is to stay alive not to die a noble death. Their idea of "manhood" was obscelete, as they found out at the end of the movie.

Then, for some strange reason, I decided to watch Season 1 of "Thundercats". Sure, Lion-O was a grown man, but that was only physical. Because they were in suspended animation, his bdy aged, but his mind didn't. So, he's a grown man with a 12 yr-old mind. So, in essence, the show is about him finding himself as he develops into a man. Lion-O must fully understand what it means to be both an adult AND the lord of the Thundercats.

So, subconsciously, I guess I'm struggling with the whole concept of "what does it mean to be a man?" All of these media projected different opinions on the topic, but none of them provided an answers. In any respect, it was stil an interesting and coincidental study...

Posted by William @ 12/05/2005 12:03:00 AM
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"It's a wonderful feeling, feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling..."

So, here's a MySpace update, and I hope she doesn't track me down to retaliate, but here it goes:

If you're fat AND Black, it's probably not such a cool idea to call yourself "Snickers". Just sayin'...

Posted by William @ 12/05/2005 12:01:00 AM
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"It's as if Disney's trying to say to the kids, 'Screw your parents, just run off into the woods and sing Hakuna Matata and everything is going to be alright'."

You know who I've pitied for quite some time? "Entertainment Tonight" reporters. Why? Because they have to pretend to be excited about a project even when they know it's going to be a piece of shit. The best evidence of this is watching an episode WAY after the fact.

I once went through this phase where I'd put a tape in the VCR, hit "record" and just walk away. On days when boredom struck, I'd put in the tape and see what I'd recorded. There's nothing worse than seeing Mary Hart or Bob Goen on the set of yet another Tori Spelling TV movie or yet another 80's tv show reunion, knowing they couldn't give two shits whether or not JR Ewing was meaner than Boss Hogg.

I remember when they were on the set of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie". Now, I don't like flaunting this around, but those close to me know I watched PR WAY longer than I should have. I was an ubr-fan, but even I knew that movie was gonna be a steaming pile of shit. But Bob Goen just wouldn't come correct. He was determined to tell me, ME, that this movie was going to reinvent the wheel with it's coloful costumes and high-flying martial arts antics. That movie went on to gross about 2 million dollars. If you know anything about entertainment, you'll know that equals "bomb".

Don't placate me, ET. We know when something's going to suck. Trying to make us believe otherwise only outs you as the entertainment whoresthat you are.

Posted by William @ 12/04/2005 11:37:00 PM
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"Don't be fooled by my little green car and my White girl hair!"

Yay for stealing wifi from the neighbors! Nothing sounds sweeter than "free"!

So, here's a story that happened to me on "Black Friday". I was working Toys R Us, and I notice this 30 yr-old goth looking chick. Now, first off, if you're 30 and STILL a goth, something's wrong with you. You should've grown out of that shit by then. But I digress.

She's looking like she just walked out of Hot Topic, with her parachute-strappy black pants and her black, screen printed tee. Well, I look closely to see what's on that shirt, and in large, red letters, it says "MASTURBATION ROCKS". And the back says, "BDSM".

Now, keep in mind, this is Toys R Us, the day after Thanksgiving. I mean, come on! I can only imagine how many minivan conversations took place that night, beginning with, "Mommy, what's mastur...masturba...what's that word, Mommy?" I know there's freedom of speech and all that, but it seemed like a cry for attention. I felt like we were supposed to say something, so she could go all "1st amendment" on us. I was gonna say something like, "Nice shirt", but I didn't want to play into it.

But she really wanted attention. Kept asking me questions about shit she knew we didn't have. But I guess I didn't give her what she was looking for, because I walked away, leaving her frowning and empty-handed.

We all had a good laugh at her expense when she left. And we thought that would be the end of it. Until she came in again the next morning. But no, she wasn't wearing the shirt again. This time, she wanted to show off the rack that had been under the shirt, but that's another story...

Posted by William @ 12/04/2005 11:24:00 PM
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