"Happy Halloween, Judeo-Christians!"

Yeah, so it's been awhile. And I don't exactly have time for an update. But there is something I noticed the other day that I need to get off my chest.

So, I was in McDonald's, and I was looking at the placemat. It was the one for kids, so there were all kinds of games and whatnot. The first game involved matching. There were three McDonaldland characters and you were to match them to their fave McD's food item. Here were the choices:

1) Grimace
2) The Fry Guys
3) Hamburglar

And for the food:
a) a milkshake
b) hamburger
c) large fries

Now, let's get one match out of the way. We all know what the Hamburglar wants. I mean, it's in his name for frak's sake. But, for the life of me, I could NOT figure out the others.

Now, I consider myself to be a McDonaldland connouissuer. I mean, I know all of the campaigns. I was there for "What you want is what you get". I did my time in the trenches of "Hey, it could happen." I was even present for the "Good times, great taste, that's why this is our place" era. But the other matches aren't as obvious as one might think.

For the sake of all that is good, one would think that Grimace liked the fries and The Fry Guys liked the shakes. I mean, come on. Otherwise, it's cannibalism. Do the Fry Guys really like eating each other? I mean, I wouldn't put it past them. I HAVE seen Birdie eat chicken, and it's like she doesn't even realize what she's doing is severely messed up.

Now, Grimace MIGHT like the shakes, but I can't bear the thought of the Fry Guys eating their kin. I mean, they were always pretty creepy, and that's why you don't see them much anymore. In fact, I had thought they were phased out of promotions, along with Mayor Mc Cheese and Big Mac cop. I mean, Mayor Mc Cheese, if he hasn't been challenged, has got to be the longest tenured public official this side of Ted Kennedy. And Big Mac cop should really be demoted, seeing as how he has yet to stop the menace of the Hamburglar. But I digress...

If you've been to the side regularly, you'll know that this is far from my first McDonaldland post, but there are questions that simply need to be answered. And I will not rest until Ronald and the residents of McDonaldland provide me with some sounds answers.

UPDATE: Here's what the McDonalds website has to say about Grimace:
Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes.

So he DOES like the shakes. Which means...Oh, God....oh no...it's TRUE about the Fries. What are we teaching our children? What about the frakkin' children?!!!

Posted by William @ 10/31/2006 07:03:00 PM
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"That sounds massive!"

So, while we're on this sci-fi kick, there's something else I'd like to talk about: the "girl crush". Lately, there's this phenomenon where it's cool for girls to list other girls that they find appealing. But what bothers me is that this doesn't work the other way for guys. There's no "boy crush" because that's gay. And I hate that society is like that. So, I would like to break down these walls and, secure in my sexuality, I would like to coin "boy crush". Now, I haven't googled it or done any research, so maybe the concept has already been created by some other blogger, like Perez, but that doesn't count. So, who's my boy crush?

Dr. Daniel Jackson, as portrayed by Michael Shanks on Stargate:SG-1. Why did I choose him? Oh, let me count the ways.

1. He's brilliant. No, for real. I mean, he's the world's foremost expert on ancient dialects, but with no outlet for this talent, he found himself teaching English to foreigners. That is, until the Air Force came for him regarding the Stargate Program. Why him? Because he was the ONLY ONE ON EARTH who knew how it worked. Just think about that for awhile. Who do you know who is the only one on Earth with a certain talent? You'll probably think of someone just to piss me off, but now ask yourself: Does so-and-so's talent compare to the ability to contact new planets and galaxies? No! Beat that!

2. He's resilient. This is a guy who has come back from the dead more times that Jesus & Jean Grey combined! He even ascended to virtual godhood and said, "You know what? I think I'm over this. I'm gonna go back to being a human." That's hardcore. That's like Thor saying, "Verily, I tire of protecting Midgard. I'm going to buy a condo in Miami."

3. Umm...look at him. He went from this:




To this:




This transformation took place over a mere five year period. I mean, that's motivational right there. And what does a makeover like THAT get ya? A hot wife like this:

Hmm...now, I'm perplexed. Is my boy crush on Jackson or Shanks? Both, maybe. But let's bring it back to Jackson, and this is the bonus round:

In the movie Stargate, Jackson was portrayed by James Spader.

I frickin' love James Spader. Why? Because in every role, he is nucking futs! He is so unpredictable, and you're just waiting to see what he does next. Say what you will, but that's hot.

So, what have we learned here? Well, no matter how hetero you might be, boy crushes are a gateway. My boy crush on Jackson revealed yet another on Shanks, and another on Spader. This is the kind of thing they teach you in church. You like one boy, and the next thing you know, you're on the wrong side of a glory hole in some Texas rest stop. But it's not like I wanna do 'em; I simply want to be them. That's the basis of my admiration.


P.S. Daniel, when you get back from P3X-775...call me?

Posted by William @ 10/10/2006 05:18:00 PM
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"Why am I successful? Because I'm a fucking daredevil!"

So, today we're going to talk about a topic that's been on my mind for the past few days: the women of science fiction.

Yes, it has come to my attention that the mouth-breathing, D&D-playing sci-fi fanboy stereotypes will accept ANYTHING as "hot". What I mean is, any woman in science fiction is considered hot, whether she deserves the title or not. Now, I'm not sure if this is some form of "geek goggles" or simply the fact that these people are happy to be able to mix their 2 favorite interests: sci-fi and boobies they'll never touch. Case in point: Marina Sirtis A.K.A. Counselor Troi on ST:TNG. For all accounts, she's just a gypsy with a rack. And not some beautiful exotic woman. No, she's a dime-a-dozen gypsy with a rack.

Or, while we're on the topic of Star Trek, let's look at DS9. I know a lot of guys who loved Dax (Jadzia, not Ezri). While Ezri was adorable, Jadzia was NOT. In all honesty, the pickin's were slim in the Gamma Quandrant, seeing as how Rom bagged the only hot chick available. I mean, you either go for the militant war brat who looks like a boy, or you take the rather plain chick with the mole problem and the slug in her womb. But, sci-fi fans still found that hot.

Staying on the Star Trek theme, it just gets progressively worst. I mean, who'd have thought they'd have "butterfaces" in the 24th century, but Seven of Nine was certainly one of them. Jeri Ryan is NOT a pretty girl. For futher proof, look to "Boston Public", "Shark", or any cameo she's done in the past few years. Sure, the body's there, but the face was being put in on Tuesday (Man, I hope someone gets that reference...). Yet, the horny, nacho-munching fanboys still proclaimed her hotness.

Well, I've been perplexed by a few new entries into the genre. First off, there's Claudia Black. Since the beginning of "Farscape", I have heard and read how "hot" and "gorgeous" she was. She was a "butt-kicking beauty". Well, I don't see it. First off, I don't even understand the appeal of "Farscape". It's "Muppets in Space". And people wonder why it got cancelled. Now, she plays Vala on SG-1. I can say, loving her character, "she's got a great personality". I mean, she really brings life to that show after 10 seasons, but is she "hot"? I can give her "cute", but that's due to her mannerisms. I mean, let's go to the viewers at home. This is what we're talking about:




Kinda mannish, right? I mean, isn't that the chick who works at the library? Not the hot one, the OTHER one. Yeah, her.

But then we're given a picture like this one:




Body's great, beautiful color. But I just can't get over that face. So, you tell me: Is Claudia Black hot? 'Cause I really can't tell.

Which leads us to our next subject: Billie Piper. Now, many of you may not remember this, but back in '98, our good friends across the pond saw the success that Britney Spears was having and they decided to make their own. The result? Billie. Yes, the one-monikered pop princess had it all, including the obligatory heavily tabloided relationship with Richie, from the boyband 5ive. The UK had their very own Britney & Justin. But all efforts to make her successful outside of England failed. You may have seen her one-hour special on UPN following one of the airings of that Spice Girls special they kept showing. Outside of that, no red, white and blue for Billie. Just like all pop relationships, Rich & Billie broke up amid controversy. She married a 40 yr-old (she was 18 at the time) and Richie was seen studying for the flight attendant's exam following the breakup of 5ive. Fame is a cruel bitch. Billie's marriage failed, but she bounced back as an actress, and her current gig is the revival of "Doctor Who". Now, to most Americans who don't watch PBS, they're thinking "Dr. WHO?" No, that's his name. Some bullshit about a phonebooth that does something and the main character changes his look every few years so they can hire new actors. Don't ask me; I'm still trying to understand a lot of Monty Python, and can't be bothered with more highbrow British stuff. I'll take Eastenders anyday. But I digress...

Billie is The Doctor's sidekick of sorts. Once again, the sci fi rags have named her some sort of science fiction babe. But I don't think it's because she's hot. I think it's because she's the only chick in the show. It's the same kind of "default factor" I was talking about with DS9. I mean, Exhibit A:




"Blimey! Lay off me fish & chips, luv!" That is not a hot girl. Even holding a gun (a lame ass piece, at that!), this is not an attractive woman. In fact, I think this is the bitch at CVS who keeps messing up my prescription. West Virginia Welfare Queen? Maybe. Sci Fi Babe of 2006? I think not.

I wish I had a better picture, like I did of Claudia, but all I could come up with was this:

Even glammed up, that was the best they could do. Why do I get the feeling that she's wearing Jordache at this photo shoot?

So, what's my message here? Fanboys, I need you to step away from the Everquest and stop working on your Battlestar Galactica costume. Listen up: I am one of you, but I am in sheep's clothing. By attempting to be "normal", I have learned things about the outside world. And one thing I've learned is that not all women in space are hot. Sure, there's not much to compare them to, what with the aliens with the weird foreheads and the cyborgs walking around. But just because she's got a rack, and she's in space, it doesn't make her hot. I need you to take a deep breath (through your nose; get your inhaler if you must), and just take a look out your window. Yes, you're going to have to endure sunlight for this one. There are beautiful women out there, on Earth (!), and I need you to get to know them, even if from afar, so that you may develop more discerning tastes. Right now, you are blinded by the spandex and the cerebral implants. Look a woman in the eyes, and NOT her communicator, and you just might find your life changed. Thank you, and live long and prosper.

Posted by William @ 10/10/2006 12:24:00 PM
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"Ahhh...let's get packin'!"


William Bruce West
Founder & CEO
West Industries, LLC
wbw6@cornell.edu

WEST INDUSTRIES ACQUIRED BY DIAMOND COMIC DISTRIBUTORS, INC
William West To Leave CoStar By Month's End

BETHESDA, MD (October 4, 2006) - West Industries announced today that its holdings have been acquired by Diamond Comics Distributors, Inc. of Timonium. West CEO William West will step down as a research associate with The Costar Group (Nasdaq: CSGP) and will assume a position as a brand manager in the print sector of Diamond.

Diamond Comics Distributors, Inc. was established by Steve Geppi to provide comic book specialty retailers with wholesale, non-returnable comic books and related merchandise. After more than 20 years of service, Diamond has emerged as the world's largest distributor of English-language comics and related merchandise, with a network of strategically-located Distribution Centers throughout the world.

Of the arrangement, William West said, "We are very happy for this opportunity to pursue an interest that we have held for many years. It has often been said that the comic industry is the one for which we were born. Essentially, everything that we have done to this point was in order to achieve this goal. While we are nervous about the risk involved, we're excited to embark upon this next phase of our corporate journey." West went on to say, "We are very pleased with our experiences with Costar and we wish to thank everyone who helped to make our stay enjoyable."

Diamond was represented in-house, while West Industries was represented by Shelly Collins, of Sheldiz Innovations, LLC.

About West Industries: West Industries is the brainchild of comic & toy enthusiast William West. Founded about 5 minutes before this message was written, the company would probably have some kind of affiliation with robots. Yeah, definitely robots. Since its inception, West Industries has been a pioneer in the field of online social networking. From Friendster to Facebook to Myspace, the company has made its presence known across cyberspace. Information about West Industries is available at www.williambrucewest.com.

Posted by William @ 10/04/2006 12:09:00 PM
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