"Honey, why you callin' me so late?"

I love Christmas, but I hate Christmas retail. Here's an exchange I had at "The 'R Us" the other day.

Old Man: Excuse, me...um...I'm looking for...umm...what is it called?

Me: *eyeing him with annoyed look on my face*

Old Man: *fumbles with phone* Let me just call...I can't remember what that thing is called...Can you wait just one second for me?

Me: Well, actually, I REALLY need to go to the bathroom.

Old Man: Good! Me, too!

Me: Yeah, let's not continue this there...

The sad thing is, had I not said that, I'm pretty sure he would have carried the conversation into the bathroom. He DID follow me, but i went into a stall. We had a comedic moment at the sink as we both needed to wash our hands. Exited said bathroom, and the conversation continued as if the urinary interlude had never occurred. And it was just as awkward as it sounds...

Posted by William @ 12/28/2006 05:53:00 PM
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"Rubbin' is Racin'!"

Below, you'll find a GREAT article with Steve Guttenberg. Yup, THAT guy. "Police Academy" and...well..."Police Academy II". And while he comes off as a MAJOR a-hole, he's got a point. Anyway, here's my favorite part of the interview:

You had a string of hits in the 1980s. What have you been up to lately?
There are 100,000 actors in the Screen Actors Guild. Only 2,000 of them make more than $75,000 (£42,000) a year. That means 98,000 actors make less than $75,000 a year. From 1980 to 1990, I shot more films than any other actor in the Screen Actors Guild apart from Gene Hackman. Everyone keeps asking me that stupid question: "What are you doing?" I say: "Why do I need to do anything? I'm rich." Do you want me to be poor again? Do you want me to go back to making tomato soup out of ketchup and water? Or would you like me to be a multimillionaire and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you for all those years? I'm enjoying life now. If I was a plumber and I'd done the most plumbing jobs between 1980 and 1990, everyone would be saying: "What a great plumber" - he says "f**k you to the world and he's enjoying himself." But for some reason, as an actor, you're not allowed to say: "I'm f**king rich, bro."

If you're so rich, why do you work at all any more?
I love the fame and the money and the power. You have to keep working to have that. Listen to Hugh Grant. He freaking hates acting but he still works to have the money, fame and power. If he didn't work, they'd forget about him - and when he arrived at a restaurant, a new Hugh Grant would have the best table. Fame, money and power: that's why people become actors, directors or producers. They love the juice. I don't care who you are. I'm sure if you dig deep, Joe and Ralph Fiennes do it because they want to be noticed. It's great to see people liking my work but [sigh] I'm just saying what the truth is.

Thanks, it makes a change.
I'm not going to say "I'm an actor and I'm changing the world." Ewan McGregor - who cares? God bless you, Ewan, you're cute and adorable but just do your job. Jude Law, Sean Penn, any of these guys, they'll tell you they're not doing it for free.

Like I said, he's got a point. Anyway, if you're one of 5 other people who care about Steve, the rest of the article can be found here:

http://www.metro.co.uk/metro/interviews/interview.html?in_page_id=8&in_interview_id=1234

Posted by William @ 12/27/2006 06:13:00 PM
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"Only my success matters!"

Never put anything in writing! That's what I've finally learned. I've always been paranoid, keeping every IM conversation and e-mail that comes across my screen. But the one time I got sloppy, I got screwed.

Today marks a milestone. I finally saw something I had written printed on a news site. Now, I had no idea they were going to print this, nor did I know that it was going to be shared with anyone other than the person to whom it was sent. But lo and behold, I fire up the Bloglines, and see one of my e-mail paragraphs pasted verbatim on a site.

Now, I'm not necessarily going to get in trouble. It didn't leak trade secrets, nor did they publish my name. But there's a specific way that I write e-mails, so any one of my accounts may know it came from me. I think the thing that gets to me is that I was never told that this was going to be passed along to news sites and creators! And this is the second time this has happened to me this month, but the first time it actually showed up for the public.

So, in closing, don't put anything important on writing. And no, I'm not posting a link; the robots will find me. Let's just say that it's on Newsarama and leave it at that...

Posted by William @ 12/26/2006 05:09:00 PM
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"I don't fuck goats, Mr. Gibson. I make love to them."

So, I just got the new Gwen Stefani album, and while it's not as good as "L.A.M.B.", it's still a fun album. In fact, I'll go as far to say that it's the kind of album that Madonna wishes she could still put out. Why? Because it's the kind of album Madonna would've put out 15 years ago. Pre-"Take A Bow", during her playful "Sex" period. To go even further, if I didn't know it was Gwen, I'd think, "Wow, Madonna finally made a good album again!"

Anyway, this got me to thinking: I wonder how Gavin feels about all of this. You see, Bush never exactly took the world by storm, but he always struck me as an "artist". You know, the guy who's "not in it for the money, but for the music." One of those guy's who'll say in an interview, "It's all about the band, man." The only time Gavin would've shared a stage with Gwen would've been back in the No Doubt days, and even then, I feel like he'd think he was superior.

I look at Gwen now, with her faux-cheerleader grandstanding and yeah "love conquers all", but you just know that Gavin's embarassed. I mean, it was bad enough when she was in the band with her exboyfriend, and every hit single they had was about said relationship. But once they went on "hiatus", he probably thought, "I finally have her to myself", and the chick has a nervous breakdown and starts thinking she's Tonie Basil or something!

I can see them at the breakfast table:

Gav: So, Gwennie. I was readin' your lyrics last night...um, maybe you can explain exactly WHAT is so..."bananas" about...how to put this..."the shit"?

Gwen: It's not "bananas", baby. It's "B.A.N.A.N.A.S."

Gav: Right, luv..."bananas"

Gwen: No! You're just not getting it!

Gav: Oh, bollocks!

And speaking of Madonna, I feel that this exact exchange has happened between her and Guy Ritchie. Gav and Guy are two blokes who just wanna get a pint at the pub. Unfortunately, they're attached to these...iconoclasts who suffer identity crises after every career decision they make. I feel like there should be a club for these guys. I'd throw Beckham in there, too, but I think he's more of a woman than Posh.

Anyway, I like Gwen and what she does, but I feel like Gavin's somewhere laughing his ass off. And probably crying a little bit since his woman is SO much more successful than he is. That's enough to piss off a guy like that. He's thinking, "I go off and write an opus like 'Glycerine', and she grabs some tramps from a kabuki theatre and she goes bloody platinum?!! It's bollocks, innit?"

And while I'm riffing on the "red coat" music scene, I must say that the album "Sundown" by S Club 8 is INCREDIBLE. You will not a find a better brit bubblegum pop album. It's a crying shame, too, considering that they were the "spin-off" group yet in one album they put together a product FAR superior to all of S Club 7's albums combined. You may now stop laughing at me. You're missing out. I said stop laughing!

Anyway..where was this going? I really don't even know anymore. I just wanted an excuse to write that "Robot Chicken"-esque Kitchen Scene with Gwen and Gavin. Now that it's out of my system, back to work!

Posted by William @ 12/08/2006 06:15:00 PM
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"If I ever make an independent film, I think I'm going to call it 'Dorito Breakfast'."

So, I was flipping through channels the other night, and I stumbled upon the all-new Real World: Denver. Denver! Break out the champagne. Let me take this opportunity to say that it pisses me off to no end that they're doing everything in their power to stay away from DC. I guess there aren't enough tanning salons in the area for them to have the obligatory "group job".

Anyway, it's your standard Real World mix:
1)"Aryan Hot" White Guy
2)"Grunge Hot" White Guy
3)"Athlete/Player" Black Guy
4)"Might Be Gay" Black Guy
5) "Hot Girl Who's Not Really That Hot" Girl
6)"Actually Hot, with Bi-Sexual Tendencies" Girl
7)"MTV pulled a She's All That and Made Her Hot" Girl.

Well, as all first episodes of this show go, they all meet, drink, and are eager about all the great fun they're gonna have! Whoo-hoo! Keep in mind, this is before they've singled out who they're going to hate/hate on/cheat on/drunkenly curse out. Nope, this point is consumed by "I'm so gonna get drunk and hook up with him/her" thoughts.

Well, after the first night of "I can't believe I drank so much/I can't believe I hooked up with him/She's got a hot body, but I'm not really looking for anything serious", the seeds begin to sprout for the season's drama. But in the midst of it all, they decide to go out for a nice lunch together.

Now, during lunch, we find out that Arayan White Guy is Obligatory RW Gay Guy! And here I had my money on Black Guy #2. But get this: Black Guy # 2 goes OFF. And this isn't even the Athlete/Player Black Guy. This is "Might Be Gay" BG. Turns out he's really religious and conservative, and he can't wrap his head around this gay Southern boy who admits to being a Christian, despite his orientation. BG#2 isn't having any of this. First off, he can't understand the lifestyle, but then he can't deal with the dude having the wherewithall to call himself a person of God. He ends his tirade saying, "I just can't...I didn't think things were going to be like this."

Um, ok. I call "Shenanigans!" I know it all makes for good TV, but this show has been around for 21 seasons! At least 19 of them have had gay housemates. When you send in your little videotape, you know exactly what the fuck you're getting yourself into. You can't act surprised when the gay guy shows up! You just can't. In fact, it's become a new part of the orientation process, where the first people to the house play everyone's favorite game: "I Wonder Which One's Gonna Be Gay." You don't wonder if a housemate's gonna be gay; you anticipate it. The only time you are allowed to be surprised is when you end up with two (RW: Philly, anyone?). That is a rare, wild card situation. But if they get drunk enough, one of the two will still hook up with the hottest girls, you know...because they're "safe", so the ratings are therefore saved.

So, here we are, left with one of the most predictable shows still on TV. I mean, TV doesn't have many rules left: Jack Bauer will always save the day, the miltary contestants on The Price is Right always myteriously win, and RW will always give us the entertaining yet predictible mix of "You're a racist!", "I love you!", "It's a sin!", "I'm SO sorry!" and everyone's favorite, "That's just not what I'm looking for at this time in my life."

But I'm still not giving up on my earlier prediction on BG#2. He just might be gay, and this whole act is some kind of self-loathing, not-ready-to-come-out response. But they're only there for 18 weeks, so I guess I'll just have to wait for the inevitable Challenge appearace to see if the experience changes him any. Then again, if he makes it to the Challenege, it just means he'll be more of an asshole by then. Really, it's not like they ever invite the "nice" ones to the Challenge...

Posted by William @ 12/01/2006 10:05:00 AM
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