"If sexy never left, then why's everybody on my shi it it?"

Now, personally, I think this site is more of a "Hard R", but what can ya do...

Posted by William @ 6/29/2007 01:30:00 PM
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"I'ma gonna have red beans for dinner!"

Dear writers of Live Free or Die Hard,
I hate to be a stickler, but there are no Arby's restaurants located in downtown DC. Otherwise, you made a pretty kickass movie.

Holla atcha boy,
Will "Yippee-Ki-Yay" West

Posted by William @ 6/28/2007 12:14:00 AM
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"You're just a pathetic, old war hero who punched Hitler in the face...you don't even have 50 friends on your Myspace page!"

Well, so much for this being a detox week...

Chris Benoit...what the fuck? I'm shocked and not shocked, all at once. I mean, he always had those eyes. He was never really a "team player", but he came and did his job. Plus, he was the best technical wrestler in the industry. I'm not sure what happened there, but I really think there's more to it. I'm not buying the murder-suicide angle, especially since it was apparently drawn out over a 72-hr period. Who kills their wife, chills for 24 hrs, kills their 7 yr-old, chills for another 36 hrs and then kills them self? I'm not buying it...

Anyway, this post is about dating shows. Man, do I love some dating shows. It's sad, but I think I like to think I'm living vicariously through them. I've never sexed up a chick in a hot tub, but I've seen enough cases that I think I can relate. It's weird because I usually table the dating show thing when I'm in a relationship, but afterwards, I'm right back in the cockpit, with Roger Lodge (Or Aisha Tyler, or the 5th Wheel Announcer) as my copilot. My favorite right now is Exposed, but I'm pretty convinced that it jumped the shark recently.

For the uninitiated, Exposed is an MTV show, where a contestant goes on a date with two people at once. While the date is going on, his/her friend is in a nearby surveillance van, listening in on the date. Everything said by the daters is being run through a lie detector, and the truth is relayed to the contestant via a hidden earpiece. At the end of the date, the ploy is revealed and the dates are given a chance to come clean. Based on the evidence, the contestant chooses the date they'd like to stay with.

When the show first started, it was awesome! I mean, people were getting tripped up on their lies, and there was no way out. Once they're told about the lie detector, they're given a chance to come clean, but most don't exercise this option. They maintain they told the truth (even when it's something lame, like "I used to date Aaron Carter."). The point is that the lie detector should come as a surprise. Lately, though, it seems like everyone's now in on the joke.

The show just recently came back with new episodes, but nobody's playing their part correctly. For example, when the dater reveals the whole lie detector thing, they first say something like, "I've got something to tell you. You've just been exposed." In the initial run of the show, the daters would look confused because they had no idea what "exposed" meant. It wasn't until the contestant explained the lie detector aspect that the daters became shocked and dismayed. In the new episodes, however, when the contestant says, "You've just been exposed", the daters burst out in disbelief. But that's the thing: about what are the in disbelief? They supposedly have no clue what "exposed" means, so why are they so quick with their reaction? After all, they haven't even learned about the lie detector at this point. For all they know, she could mean that their flies were open the whole time.

If these episodes were filmed at the same time, but released in a staggered fashion, that's fine. However, if there have been tapings since the original episodes aired, how are people surprised? If they've seen an episode, they know the format: double date, hot seat, big reveal, date chosen. If you find your ass sitting in the Hot Seat, you should know what show you're on. I've heard reality show stories where the contestants claim that they didn't know what show they were on until the episode made it on the air. I refuse to believe that's the case here because the show has a pretty static formula.

In addition, if you're hanging out at a park, and there's a weird looking exterminator or plumbing van sitting in a nearby parking lot, your ass is about to be Exposed. Why? Well, for starters, you should know better. Real plumbers and exterminators have white, child molester vans. The flashy plumber vans you see on TV are only on TV. Most plumbers and exterminators are too poor for a flashy van, unless they work for Orkin or Roto-Rooter.

My biggest problem with Exposed, though, is that it relies on the adage that "honesty is important in a relationship". While that's a true sentiment, that's not what dating shows are about. You're on national TV, meeting a total stranger, asking questions like, "Have you ever farted so loud that it surprised you?" This is not the recipe for a soul mate. I remember a few years back, I had a conversation with a teacher of mine (What up, Pearcy!). I used to be close to a few of my teachers, so we were discussing two dating options that I had. There was the sweet girl, who could be a lasting relationship and there was also the "fast girl" who'd teach me about..."stuff." Since we knew nice girl wasn't really going anywhere, he told me that the most utilitarian choice would be to choose the fast chick. And that's how I feel about dating shows. The most utilitarian choice is the slut/gigolo, because it's an easy lay, and you've pretty much maxed out the potential of the experience. You just did her in a hot tub, after a trip to a costume shop, and a rousing game of "Truth or Dare Ultimate Frisbee". Chances are you're not marrying that chick, so get in, get out, and move on to the next dating show. Exposed wastes too much time on "honesty", while something like NeXt gets it right as it's as shallow as the dating show format itself.

Posted by William @ 6/27/2007 12:13:00 AM
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"Root Beer: The White man's 'Orange Drink'!"

Alas, the 21 days are over. No more wedding party. I was up until 3 this morning, watching I Propose. Why the Hell am I doing this to myself...

In any case, I spent my Saturday meeting clients at the American Library Association Conference at the convention center. Now, my first thought was, "Who's manning the libraries?!" I mean, every librarian in North America had to be at this thing. I think they were expecting around 30,000 people. Let me say, conferences are funny because you've got nothing but a ton of people supporting every stereotype that you've ever held about a specific group. Librarians? Everything you've heard about them is true!

Many of them are young, hot, and naughty. They look at you like they want to take you in the stacks and have you mess up their Dewey decimal system. That may be true, but many of them are also the contingent that's older and more lunchlady-like. The kind of woman to teach you to read with Dr. Seuss , as you sit, Indian-style, on a rug. The kind of grandmotherly woman who might stroke your hair as she's reading NFL Huddles to you (Did anybody else read that series? In kindergarten, there was always a list to check out that series. I hated football, but you bet your ass I was on that list!) Spank me! No, read to me! No, talk dirty to me! Yes, I know there's no talking in the library! A place like that can be murder on a person's hormones.

When you work in the small press, you learn to go straight to the back of the room 'cause that's where your people are going to be. It's kinda like the Jim Crow days. Not Marvel or DC? Back of the bus, Colored! Anyway, I met a couple of my vendors for the first time, and I ran into one that I met at my first show (SPX), back in October. He didn't recognize me at first, and he says to me, "I don't mean this in a bad way, but did you lose some weight?" I told him that I was the product of the miracle of running and Slim Fast. He told me I looked great, which is never bad to hear. I've worked my ass off the past few months, so it's nice to know that it shows. Anyway, turns out he's a runner and he was giving me tips on shoes and whatnot. That was certainly the highlight of my day.

Now, back to the librarians. The book world is so different from the comic world. We're only just beginning to be accepted as "literature", hence the set up at a show like this. High school and public libraries are jumping on graphic novels like they're koopa troopas. But the way that indsutry works is just so different. It's funny to go somewhere and see Scholastic is the cock of the walk. You know, Harry Potter has been amazing for them, but I'm always going to think of them as the book fair/Weekly Reader company. Well, that company makes everyone else their bitch when it's conference time. If there's one thing I took away, it's don't fuck with Scholastic. People were lining up for a Harry Potter poster like they were waiting to meet the Pope. You've come a long way, Scholastic!

Also, this is the first conference I've ever seen where you can just drink on the floor. "Our book was just nominated for some shit. Come get some champagne!" There was such an odd mix of exhibitors, too. One company specialized in shelving and organization, so I guess that made sense. However, their set up was not of a bookself. No, the shelves were in the pictures. The booth, actually, was set up as a bar. And they were giving out Heineken! As much as I wanted to partake, I really didn't want to get roped in. As cool as con swag may be, it's meant to bring you in so that they can start a dialogue. I didn't feel like sitting through a spiel, as they ask about my library and circulation, and then I have to answer with the whole, 'Well, I'm not actually a librarian..." Nope. At that point, I'd just be "that freeloading Black guy" (there were only about 5 of us there, so it wouldn't be hard for me to be pegged as the "freeloading one") and I didn't need that. So, no drinky for me. But I more than made up for that later that day.

The most impressive aspect of the day, though, was the end of the show. I have to hand it to librarians, in that they follow instructions. The show was to end at 5, and they began to slowly mill out around 4:50. there was no announcement, no nothing. By 5, that hall was clear. I don't know if you've ever been to the auto show or a comic con, but there's always that bunch that just won't leave. "I'm just about to meet George Perez," they whine. Or "Let me just get one more picture of this Escalade!". But not here. These ladies knew what to do and when to do it, and I've never seen such an orderly exodus. They teach us to love reading, and they teach us punctuality. Is there no limit to their greatness?!

In closing, and off topic, the unplugged version of Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer is something akin to a religious experience. The same way that Clapton redefined Layla in his unplugged session, LoaP became an entirely different song. You're really forced to feel it, and it becomes so much more than "that song played after The Outfield's Your Love and before Sweet Caroline at last call"...

Posted by William @ 6/25/2007 02:39:00 PM
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"I'm not here for your entertainment, you don't really wanna mess with me tonight..."

I felt the need for a pre-weekend blog, but I'm not sure why. It's gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness...

-Fellas, if your woman really loves P!nk's U+Ur Hand, you've got a problem. The writing's on the wall right there. Listen to the lyrics. Just sayin'...

-If only Kelly Clarkson had figured out how to make a proper "fuck you, all things with penises" song, she wouldn't be in the mess she's in. Months ago, everybody was saying, "Crazy old Clive Davis should leave her alone! What does he know about music?" Clive Davis fucking carried music for the latter half of the 20th century. If he says your album sucks, it's actually horrendous. Clive isn't the kind of guy to just outright say something. He'd beat around the bush and say that it was "still in development" or something. For him to just out and tell her, "This is bad", that meant the shit had really hit the fan. That's when neither Diane Warren, David Foster, a 50 Cent/Nelly/Bustah Rhymes cameo, nor a Jay Z intro can help you anymore. The man knew what he was talking about, and it took this long for people to finally admit, "You know, it doesn't really have much of a tune..." Knocking authority might've worked back at the Piggly-Wiggly, but you're in the big time now, Kelly.

-Speaking of music, I put my little "song of the summer" theory to the test last weekend. At two different points Saturday, I found myself driving through Georgetown or Bethesda. When Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls came on, I was like the fucking Pied Piper! It just makes White people dance. It's like it channels that latent gene (which is usually beaten up by the beer-pong and flip-flops- in-winter genes), and just lets it loose. It's gonna be an amazing summer, as long as that song doesn't get old fast. I really hope he's got a follow up in the bag. Otherwise, he's headed straight to Song of Summer Hell, along with Los Del Rio & the Quad City DJ's.

-So, Rosie wants to host The Price is Right...would someone put a fucking Koosh bullet in her brain already? The problem with Rosie is not that she's a loudmouth, nor is it her politics or orientation. The problem with Rosie is that she's got professional ADD. She does something until it bores her. This might be a nice, stress-free way to live, but it's not the thing upon which contracts are built. She wanted a talk show and did it until she got bored. She wanted to be on The View, and then she got bored and started wrecking shit. If you're taking over Bob Barker's obscenely long microphone, your ass better be ready for a 20 yr commitment! That's why I wanted Mrio Lopez to get it. He can only be remembered as Slater for so long, and it's not like he has any real long-term career potential. This could be the career renaissance that he needs, like when Tiffani Theissen went to 90210. We could look back on this era and say, 'That's when Mario became his own man." If Rosie gets it, it'll simply be known as "that period after she left The View, but before she opened her lesbian dude ranch in Vermont".

-I came across something hilarious the other day, if you're up on your 80's music. Apparently, Michael Bolton would take anyone's scraps. He'll always be thought of as Elvis II, aka the Other White Guy Who Stole Music from Black Guys. But it doesn't stop there. It seems that he was even taking scraps from Air Supply. Yes, All Out of Love and Making Love Out of Nothing At All Air Supply. His seminal hit, How Am I Supposed to Live Without You, was deemed unacceptable by Air Supply. They were too busy....supplying air. But Mr. Bolton looked up from his plate of ribs (I always felt like he would be that weird white guy hanging out in the rib place, just waiting to still hooks from some freshly groomed R&B group. Can't you just see that? There's always that White guy. He's usually a PhD candidate or something, doing an "immersion experiment. And they always have long hair. Like we ain't gonna notice long hair!), and said, "I'll take one of those, please!

Posted by William @ 6/22/2007 06:32:00 PM
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"Sorry, Roger. You tiger now!"

Wow, this is post #550. If we were a comic, this would be double-sized and probably have a shitty trading card bound into the middle. Sorry, but it's been brought to my attention that comics and toys are what I do best, so I figured it was worth a shout out.

So, where was I? Right, the 21 Day Wedding Party. Let's just say that that got old fast, but I'm still on board. The highlight has been the introduction of the new show, I Propose. According to the promo, it's meant to follow the most important day of "his" life: the proposal. I first heard about the show a few months ago, and I immediately thought, 'This should be a cute idea." Then, time passed, life happened, and when I finally saw the show, I couldn't stomach it. I really hate these couples. The guys are complete douchebags. Complete. It's not like they're bad guys, but ughh...The women are cute & sweet, and I sometimes wonder why they put up with these guys. I guess that's love.

My biggest problem with the show has to be the premise, from the woman's point of view. You see, in order to justify the whole "camera crew following us" aspect, the women are told that the couple has been chosen to be featured on a show about successful couples. They're, then, told that their man is going to plan a super romantic, surprise date and the crew would be there to film it. But secretly, the dude is really planning a top secret, romantic proposal for the entire viewing public to witness. Now, are women really that stupid? Your douchebag boyfriend has *never* planned anything super romantic, but the one time that he does, there's a camera crew present? That doesn't set off any alarms? What woman in her right mind doesn't realize there's a proposal afoot?

As much as I want to hate the show, though, it always brings me back in at the end. No matter how douchey the guy might be, the chick's reaction is what gets you. There's very little reality left in "reality TV", but I don't think these moments can be faked. Even the ones who I think suspect there's a proposal about to happen are nowhere near as prepared for the moment as she thought she'd be. You're watching her dream come true, as she finally knows that she's found the person she'll be with for the rest of her life. He might seem like a toolbox to me, but he's "forever" to her. But I tell ya, these 21 days can't be over quickly enough for me...

Posted by William @ 6/20/2007 09:53:00 AM
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" I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind"

I tell ya, nothing brighten's up your morning like hearing the squarest bunch of guys around singing T.I.'s "What You Know (About That)"! In-freaking-credible! Yes, folks. It's gonna be a music post!

So, LC sent me Brewed in the Attic, which is their latest CD. Now, I feel I need to preface this because it's going to come off a little backhanded: this CD is awesome if you're into nouveau, mixed a cappella. I'm coming to the realization that I like bad a cappella. The kind that's not really processed, and you might hear the soloist crack a note every now and then. I realize this is equivalent to a guy admitting that he likes ugly women, but I like what I like.

Don't get me wrong, this CD blows the doors off anything I ever had a hand in recording, and I was really impressed by most of the tracks. First off, I'm jealous of Jamie & Nishant, as they got to sing 2 songs that I'd kill a hobo to record (Get Ready & A Change is Gonna Come, respectively). This CD solidified the fact that Nishant is one of the top 5 soloists in LC history (no, don't ask me the other 4, and no, I don't consider myself one of them).

And John Cape *killed* Careless Whisper. I didn't know he had it in him, as it's such a well done track. I'd be such an asshole in this group, 'cause I'd be auditioning for ever solo thrown out there. I really love their active rep. Oh yeah, they were the square guyssinging What You Know (About That), which caps off the album. For reals. And it was awesome. Part of me thinks they got the idea from Divisi doing Yeah!, but I don't care. Amazing arrangement!

So, what's my problem? I like my recorded a cappella pure. My mom once asked me, "What's the point of a cappella? So, they don't have instruments? Why not go and get some instruments?" It sounded delightfully ignorant at the time (I'm such a snob sometimes), but now I see where she was coming from. Back in the day, part of the charm was that you could harmonize and substitute for the instruments. Your mouth wasn't a guitar, but you were "ooh-ing" and "bah-ing" in lieu of an instrument. In essence, a cappella was the art of vocal improvisation, in a way.

I like my a cappella to sound like the same thing I'd hear in concert. As far as mixed cd's go, I've always thought they'd be a cool thing to have around A) if you had the funds available and b) you just wanted to see how you might sound in that format; purely for shits and giggles. I don't like my a cappella to sound like Peter Cetera (listen to Glory of Love or Hard to Say I'm Sorry to understand that...). The way the "industry" is going, though, all collegiate a cappella is heading down this road, which somewhat saddens me. I was reading a review of a Hangovers disc the other day, and they said something like, "This would have been BOCA quality 4 yrs ago." What has changed? Talent hasn't changed. The essence of music hasn't changed. But the production expectations have changed. It's a new ballgame out there, and while these groups are doing awesome, awesome things, I think my number was up in a cappella at just the right time. Anyway, enough about a cappella...

Amy Winehouse's album is even better than people say it is. It's such a creative concept; it's like someone asked, "I wonder what a Supremes album with a parental advisory label would sound like." Same vibe (which I've been begging someone to bring back for yrs now!) and same general song length. It's like a Motown revival! Sure, Rehab is great and gets a lot of spin, but you really need to check out Back in Black and Love is a Losing Game. So true, Amy...In any case, I hope she doesn't get boxed into a corner. Now, she's "broody, soulful Motown chick", but the novelty of that might wear off. Remember, Fiona Apple was the brooding, jazz standard chick. The inevitable "reinvention" album is right around the corner. And then, Amy'll end up fighting with her 80 yr-old label head over what's considered "cool" in the music game...

While I felt it was too early to crown the "Song of Summer 2007", I know that the distinction HAS to go to Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls". It's so cute and catchy, and you're going to fucking hate it by Labor Day. Like I posted on Marcus's blog, "Suicidal, Suicidal, Suicidal" is going to be the white kids' new "Hey, it must be the money!"

Snippets:
Why did Rihanna sample Blue Monday? It doesn't even fit that song!

Maroon 5's Makes Me Wonder is pure hotness. The instrumental, alone, is disco sex, but the lyrics just add the spice as they're so bitter. If you go back and listen to Songs About Jane, you'll see that most of their songs are pretty post-relationship and bitter. With the exception of She Will Be Loved, Adam was telling some chick that he was fucking through with her. Apparently, that has carried over to the new album.

U+Ur Hand has grown on me. Still kind of hate the message, but I get where she's coming from.

New BSB single leaked. Happily Never After. It's awful. I don't even know why they're still trying. And I was their biggest fan. This current shit is too lame for Soft Rock Adult Contemporary. They've just lost their...thing.

The Li'l Mama & Avril Lavigne Girlfriend remix is the shit. It makes me wanna break into a high school and bang on lockers, as Toni Basil drones on and on about that Mickey fucker...

Where is Christopher Cross right this very minute? There is a hole in Adult Contemporary that could easily be filled by an amazing Christopher Cross comeback. The man gave us Arthur's Theme, The Best That You Can Do, and Sailing. There isn't an elevator out there that hasn't played a Muzak version of his stuff. I really think he's got a few more hits in him for that Delilah demographic.

All for now. Back later with a 21 Day Wedding Party update...

Posted by William @ 6/15/2007 05:52:00 PM
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"Sometimes, I think you want me to touch you..."

I don't know if it's just me, but I love those TBS commercials where people can call in to a call center to find out if a particular situation is funny or not. I really wish that existed, because sometime you're just not sure whether or not you should be laughing at something.

So, I've been wrapped up in Style's "21 Day Wedding Party" (thanks a *lot* for that, Style Network). I used to think that picking up The Biggest Loser reruns was the worst idea that the network had, but I see that they had bigger mistakes up their sleeves. My problem with Style is that they run a show into the ground.

A month ago, you couldn't turn on that channel without seeing Niecy trying to get somebody to sell their grandmother's wedding dress. Then, they got on this Biggest Loser kick and wouldn't stop showing it. I swear, I watched those same motherfuckers lose weight about 5 different times. I know that they were playing different seasons, yet I kept seeing Season 2 . Since it was before Matt & Suzy started dating, it was grating watching it, just knowing where it was headed. Plus, I have to say that Suzy hit a point, just before going back home, where she actually looked her best. Skinny Suzy doesn't look good. "Thick Suzy" was just right. But that's coming from a Black man. What do we know about "society's standard of beauty"?

Anyway, now I'm watching the 21 Day Wedding Party, and certain things just keep jumping out at me, particularly the How Do I Look? and Biggest Loser portion. First off, How Do I Look? They chose a soon-to-be-bride, who needed a makeover to make her more "wifely". Apparently, she'd been really sick, so the makeover was under the guise that she was being rewarded for all that she'd been through. Even so, it doesn't seem like she'd ever been a fashion maven, so to give her a makeover was almost deceptive. Don't use the sick chick as a fixer-upper! Especially seeing as how nobody ever seems to leave that show happy. Sure, they tolerate the experience, and they acknowledge that they look better at the end, but they're still hurt that it had to come to the point where their mom, best friend, and some random stylist had to pretty them up with the help of Skeletor.

Now, on to The Biggest Loser, which was focusing on engaged couples. I think this is a terrible idea. First of all, it was pretty intense to see that one of the brides-to-be far outweighed her betrothed. That's gotta hurt! But I don't think the couples were comparable. Sure, they were all in the same general weight class, but the same plan isn't going to work for everyone. While The Biggest Loser model acknowledges this, it's built on individual success. Sure, there's the part of the season where they're paired up, and this is the same case. Tom might be chugging along, shedding those pounds, but Mindy just ain't making any headway. It's especially stressing when the prize is your dream wedding. If they lose weight, great. But I think they're setting themselves up for disaster. If they met fat, stay fat, but a "healthy fat". Because you have 3 options: 1) you both stay slim and healthy 2) one of you stays healthy and you both resent each other or 3) one of you stays slim, but is then dragged back down by the fat one. I don't like those odds. Man, I'm starting to sound like Marcus here...

I'm curious to see how they plan to squeeze 21 days out of this whole thing. This morning, I woke up to an episode of The Modern Girls Guide to Style that was about 2 yrs old. They're really going to be scraping the vault for this. The bulk of it is going to be Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? And let me just say, I have seen some loveless marriages on that show! The other day, there was this old, Black restauranteur who was marrying this Spanish girl half his age. Now, this kind of shit probably happens everyday, but this chick didn't even speak English! They had to get a Spanish minister (in addition to the primary minister) just so she'd understand his vows. The wedding came in at about $70,000 and he didn't bat an eye, but in conversation, this dude was *country*! I wish they'd do a follow-up special because I'm convinced it was a green-card, mail-order sex scam.

I hope they do go back into the vault, though, because I'd love to see the episodes of Whose Wedding... that take place in the storefront church in Texas. Those episodes are the biggest departure for the show, as they focused more on rednecks and shotgun weddings, but I liked them because they made the experience more inclusive. Nowadays, it's all destination weddings and yuppies (how the fuck does a 27 yr old afford a destination wedding in Ireland? Someone explain that to me!). I love to see the trials and tribulations of a White girl getting married to her Mexican boyfriend, with his gang in the pews, weeks before their baby is due. That scenario actually occurred in the Texas episodes.

Speaking of weddings, why is it that everyone around me is getting married, yet I ain't getting invited to any weddings? Sure, you guys eloped. And I lost touch with you for a few years. But I still feel it's telling. Oh well, that's the last stop for the Pity Bus...

Posted by William @ 6/06/2007 06:33:00 PM
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"I like havin' my toes sucked and my ass licked out. At the same time. Wait a minute..."

Yeah, I'm going to break the fourth wall and acknowledge where that quote came from. Yeah, I actually heard that in conversation. I think I had the most amoral weekend ever, but I don't wanna write about that yet.

First off, a post update. If you read my Love, Actually post, you'll remember I ended it saying, " I really wish someone would find a project for Ant & Dec in America..." Well, imagine my happy surprise when I read this on Tvguide.com today:

ABC has ordered six episodes of Wanna Bet?, a game show in which contestants wager on whether they can perform stunts. U.K. personalities Ant and Dec will host....

I think ABC owes me a finders fee!

Ok, have you ever watched a movie or read a book and related to every character? Last night, I watched The Last Kiss, and I so did/did not need to watch that right now. First of all, Zach Braff as a sometimes asshole is a bit much to take, yet works as a concept. But out of him and his entire group of friends, I couldn't figure out which one I felt most like at that given time. The same way that Garden State made you go, "Man, this quarter-life phase sucks!", The Last Kiss makes you think, "Man, this marriage phase sounds like it sucks!" It seems like it's not even a matter of things wrong in a relationship; sometimes it can just be the lack of surprise left in the relationship...

So, the weekend. Some backstory. My friend, JJ, used to go to school in Allegheny County. For those Marylanders in the house, your pity is welcome. For y'all not from these here parts, Allegheny is as country as you can get. It's up in the mountains, away from civilization, where gas stations close at 8. Anyway, he was going through this "I'm going to find myself" phase about a year back, and decided to go take classes up there (even though he already has some sort of degree/certificate thing to his name!).

While he was up there, he didn't get much done, academically. Instead, he was the life of the party. I guess it also helped that he was about 8 yrs older than everybody, but they all wanted to hang out with JJ. In fact, they called him "Diddy" 'cause he always got the party started (and he was "city-fied"). He also had his share of ladies, one of whom was *crazy* (about him and in general). The stories I've heard about that coupling would make the best video you've ever seen!

After about a semester, JJ realized that he was kind of over that region and he came back here. Even so, he would make trips up to see this girl because their escapades were legendary. There's a catch, though. You see, the girl wasn't exactly herself. She was doing the college thing, and abused some substances here and there. Those party favors played a big part in why JJ was the Ron Jeremy of Cumberland, as far as she was concerned.

So, over the weekend, JJ decided he wanted to make that trip. I had absolutely nothing to do, and I like hick areas, so I tagged along. He gave the chick a call, but her phone had been turned off (and she's White, too! Everybody laugh). He had left her myspace messages that he was coming to town, but no response. So, he decided to be straight up gangsta, and just knock on her door.

Well, that's what we did. The lights were out in the hallway of the apartment building, so we were just some Negroes in the dark. Her roommate opened the door, and was scared shitless, seeing as how they're not used to door-to-door thug service. JJ told her he was here for the other chick, who then came to the door.

She was really happy to see him, and just jumped right on him. JJ's smile screamed, "Yes, I'm still in!" But that was not the case. You see, there were 2 other people in the room, and a screaming baby. But wait, there's more. The chick tells JJ that these are her friends from rehab. No, no, no!

Yup, it seems that the chick had been trying to get clean ever since JJ skipped town and broke her heart. Now, her nights were filled with Jolt energy drink and games of spades. Immediately, JJ began the investigation to see if there were traces of the old chick in there. They'd do their reminiscing thing, but everything she said was *really* past tense. Like, "Remember how crazy we used to be?" or "Man, I was so in love with you, JJ." I think the clincher was when she said, "Man, we had some really good sex, didn't we?" and he jumped right on that with, "Had?" You see, she needs companionship now, and not just some dude who passes through town every few weeks. Turns out there's a dude in her group she's been dating (which is odd seeing as how you're not supposed to date for the first year of recovery, but maybe things are different in the moutains).

Now, here's where shit gets shady. JJ realizes he really needs to start pushing those buttons if he's to get what he wants, but is it worth knocking a chick off the wagon? Well, it certainly seemed that way. As the group continued discussing details of the day's earlier meeting, JJ kept getting more restless. He just couldn't wrap his head around a totally sober lifestyle. They were really trying hard, and the chick showed him her 4 months worth of keychains she'd gotten for sobriety, but he would counter telling her how much he wanted a 40. I wanted to reach over across the table and punch him out. You don't fucking do that. You don't tell a pedophile that you really wanna go to Chuck E Cheese's! Shit's hard enough as it is. Don't dangle temptation.

Then again, I guess I can see why JJ was confused. You see, even though she tried to act like that stuff was in the past, she and her friends were freaks! Somehow, they started talking about how much they enjoyed getting their asses licked out. I was thoroughly disgusted, as were the other guys in the room. The women, however, were all about the analingus. Even Sarah, the quiet chick who came in somewhat aloof, really came alive when she reentered the room to that discussion. They were like, "Sarah, don't you like gettin' your ass licked?" She responded, "Oh yeah, girl! I like havin' my toes sucked and my ass licked." Wow, quiet girl came out of her shell! And apparently, she likes to have said shell licked.

Then, they proceeded to explain the freaky rituals of the house. All of the group members have to sign the "autograph wall", but they have to sign with their nickname. Sarah's was "Rubber Crack"; I won't really go into the story, but let's just say this chick is all about butts. If there are yellow stars around the autograph, it means you've had sex in the house. Are all rehab groups like this?!

Anyway, I saw that the night wasn't going the direction that JJ wanted, but I had to wait until he came to this realization. After all, he drove. I think the nail was in the coffin when the chick asked him, "JJ, do you think I'm as fun sober as I was back in the day?" His response? "Haha, yeah...I'm not gonna answer that." Give the chick the acceptance she was looking for, dude! On the one hand, I'm glad he was honest, since it meant he wasn't willing to lie to get ass. On the other hand, it's still a dick response. That's one of those gray areas...

A little after that, we said our goodbyes and went back out into the mountain night. Although he didn't "succeed", it was still a very awkward and sketchy experience. A few more like that, and this site might actually be readable again...

Posted by William @ 6/04/2007 10:18:00 AM
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