"Never underestimate the healing power of a blonde, Miss Potts."

I'm still not feeling the San Diego recap, as work's kinda kicking my ass right now. So, here's a fill-in post about a few random things on my mind lately:

-Why did no one tell me The Two Coreys had started? In some ways, it's better than I thought it would be. In others, it's not as good as I thought it would be. I still find it hilarious that Haim doesn't have a driver's license. That's like learning Cusack never owned a boombox.

-I just know that, somewhere, Rihanna's saying, "'Pon de replay! Stop fucking wit ma song!" Right now, there are more versions of "Umbrella" than stars on the flag. For starters, she had no clue there was gonna be a Jay-Z intro. She says that the first time she heard his contribution was the first time that she heard the finished song, and it took her by suprise. Then, Scott Simon covered it.Then, the Chris Brown "Cinderella Remix" popped up. Then, Marie Digby covered it, as heard on The Hills. Then, Mandy Moore covered it, with it sounding exactly like Marie's version.

-Speaking of The Hills, Spencer's proposal to Heidi was one of the worst things I've ever seen on TV, scripted or reality. That dude is such a douchebag. I can't even stand looking at him. If there's any doubt as to the scripted nature of that show, rewatch the season premiere, and pay attention to Heidi's reaction. That, my friends, was scripted.

-The Celebrity Roast for Flavor Flav was pretty awful. The Shatner one was good, as was the one for Pamela. Flav, not so much. The funniest part was when Greg Giraldo told Flav that he looked like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape. Maybe it'll be better when they show it uncensored in The Secret Stash.

-Here's a sentence I never thought I'd write: Has anybody seen the Chris Brown video where he turns into a vampire and dances with those little boys outside of the Power Rangers' old Command Center?

-I need to start actually calling people, and stop all this text bullshit. You know it's gone too far when Verizon texts you to tell you that you've gone over your texts...The worst part about texting is that there's no "goodbye". You can be flirting along, and then....nothing. It's like the phone commercials where the calls drop. "Did I say something wrong? Was that too far?" Nothing. And then, 2 weeks later, you get another text like nothing happened. I can't live like this anymore!

-No, Timbaland, I can't handle you the way you are, mainly because you keep giving it to me every 20 minutes. I'm really tired of this summer's radio being dominated by the "Timbers", 'land and 'lake.

-They're really making a Flavor of Love 3? Come the fuck on...

-I think Denzel has finally made a movie that I'd want to see. Go watch the trailer for American Gangster!

-Jeff Timmons is getting on my last nerve on Mission: Man Band. He's "pulling an Ikaika" (10 points to anyone who understands that reference) with the whole "I don't want to be here" routine. Dude, nobody begged you. As far as 98 Degrees rankings go, you were #3, behind both Lacheys, but before the old, weird, ugly bass. Since that group folded, you've done one infomercial and your wife left you. When they introduced you on Man Band, you lived with your parents. Cut the shit and start singing. You need this, bitch.

-The NBC special on the Beckhams just reignited my fire for Victoria. Never cared much for David, as he lacks personality. Posh, though, was always my #2 Spice. She's still #2, but it's because she's clawed her way back up the ladder. And that feat, to put it in her terms, is simply may-juh!

-I have an almost unhealthy obsession with Drake & Josh right now. They're funny guys, it's scary how much weight Josh lost over the course of the show, plus their sister is played by the little bitchy girl from School of Rock. I forgot how good Nickelodeon shows could be...

-Anybody seen Topanga's weight loss commercial? Damn, I'd like to get me some of those pills!

-If somebody calls you first thing in the morning, offering free roses and whatnot, don't fall for it. In the words of Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!" It's a radio station, and your girl already knows you're cheating on her. Just hang up and handle your shit off the air. That said, "War of the Roses", on Hot 99.5 (and various other stations across the country), is my favorite form of morning entertainment. I do think, however, it's the kind of thing that gets morning DJ's sent to Hell. Just sayin'...

-TV Land's Back to the Grind is the best idea in ages. If you haven't seen it, they take an actor from an old TV show, and they make him perform the job of his character to see if he could really pull it off. For example, Night Court's Harry Anderson actually had to be a judge for a day, and WKRP's Loni Anderson actally had to be a receptionist for a day. Priceless.

-Anne Hathaway, if you're reading this, could you please try to do more movies set in the present? I get it, you like period pieces, but you're gonna get typecast. So far, you're good at playing princesses, frumps, and frumpy princesses. And there's that straight-to-dvd flick where you showed your tits. Otherwise, I'm gonna need to see some diversity out of your roles, honey. After all, this is your job we're talking about!

Posted by William @ 8/22/2007 10:41:00 PM
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"You gotta have a ticket if you wanna ride the ride."

Man, why didn't anyone tell me that Date My Mom still came on? The things you discover at this time of night...

So, where were we? Oh, right:

Virgin Fest Pt 2: The Meeting

So, at this point, with this being my Star Fucker Summer (the SD post will better explain that), I was determined to meet Sir Richard Branson. That's when one of my coworkers, Tim, answered my prayers. You see, we had 2-day passes, but none of us really wanted to go on Sunday. The bands were lame (except for the Pumpkins), and we'd really had enough from Saturday. But the owner of my company had requested a meeting with Branson on Sunday, and Tim needed help arranging the meet. This was going to be like a meeting of titans: the most powerful man in comics meeting the most powerful man in modern media? When they shook hands, I imagined that every window in a 1-mile radius would simply shatter. I *had* to witness this, so I offered to help my work bud with the meet.

Sunday, we meet up at the Metro and head on over. On Sunday, the fest was dead. D-E-A-D. Why? Because all the acts sucked except for the Pumpkins, who weren't scheduled to go on until 8:30. It was now noon. Dead. There were about 12 people in the guest area, when there had been a good 200 at its most crowded point on Saturday. Actually, let me throw in one correction. I did get to see Regina Spektor, and she was adorable. I really only know that once song from VH-1, "Fidelity"., but she's Russian - it's my kryptonite. Plus, I'm a sucker for the piano-songstress. After all, there's still a special place in my heart for Sarah Mclachlan and Nellie McKay. Anyway, back on topic.

Anyway, we get into position. Tim is going to meet Branson and his people, while I was waiting for our guy. Well, I wait and wait and wait. Yeah, he never shows. Now, I'm pissed because I'm determined to meet Branson. Something had to justify that day. I only have one day a week that I don't work (even though I had blown of the PT gig the day before; it didn't matter); I was wasting my Sunday, and something needed to make that worthwhile. We went into strategy mode, and texted Branson's assistant. We told her the big guy was a no-show, but we still wanted to meet Branson. Before we know it, he comes through the guest area again. Finally, we got our chance. I don't really remember much of it. A bunch of douchebags kept cutting in front of us because they worked for Virgin. We finally got up to him, but Tim did most of the talking. Shot the shit about the comics line, and quickly got pictures. Emphasis on quickly. I took Tim's first, and it's a great, well-planned shot. When it was my turn, Branson was clearly trying to move along, so mine didn't come out as rosy. I'm not posting it here because, frankly, it's ugly. If you're on facebook, you've seen it. But they can't take away my dignity!

Apparently, as we were leaving the guest area, Darryl Hannah walked by. Whatever. Billionaires have the weirdest friends. Sure, she's a actress and all, but she's always going to be weird to me because of her Kennedy connection. She dated JFK Jr. That makes her part of the Kennedy Curse. The same thing with Sarah Jessica Parker. It's amazing how much Sex and the City made people forget about her past. If you go back to Square Pegs and Honeymoon in Vegas, you'll get a hint of the weird. You better believe I think there's a Kennedy Curse, so I don't want that bad mojo on me. "No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too."

After we accomplished our mission (without the help of a banner-laden aircraft carrier, I might add), we took off. It was all in a day's work. Kind of an anticlimactic finish, but it's part of my whole "I wanted something and went after it" attitude that I'm trying to cultivate lately. Sure, he sort of came to us, but that was after we worked pretty hard to make ourselves known. After our dude was a no-show, I don't think that crew gave 2 shits about us. We could have left, but stuck it out. Anyway, I needed to get that story out of the way for the good stuff. Next up, San Diego Dreaming: A Williambrucewest.com Event Told in (At Least) 5 Parts.

Posted by William @ 8/11/2007 02:28:00 AM
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"Nah, I spent 2 years in the Cub Scouts & realized its potential to make me queer."

OK, so we're working backwards here. Virgin Festival, and then I'll get to the SD adventures.

First off, there are just some movies that shouldn't air on non-paid television. Friday, for example. It's just not worth it. The thing makes almost no sense, considering how drastically MTV/VH-1 edited it. Another one? Showgirls. Don't believe me? Stay up late one night, and check out your local MyNetworkTv channel. It's on there, and it's even worse than the uncut version. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Recently, the job has really cranked the perks up to 11. Sure, I may not be able to pay rent anymore, but I'll never go naked as they seem to hand out polo shirts weekly. To amp that up, though, the vendors have started getting in on the action. One of our newest and biggest accounts is Virgin Comics. A subsidiary of Sir Richard Branson's Virgin empire, the Virgin Comics line primarily conveys classic, Indian stories and mythologies to a Western audience. OK, that's enough of a plug. So, I met their new head of marketing in San Diego, and he was awesome. In fact, he was going to line up a meeting that you'll learn about in the SD post. In any case, when we got back to the home office, Virgin had provided us with tickets to the Virgin Festival (with guest area access), being held at Pimlico where Preakness takes place.

Now, I've never been a concert guy. Whenever these kinds of music fests come to town, they sound cool to me, but my fear of crowds takes over, and I talk myself out of the idea. Well, here was a free ticket. And I hadn't really paid much attention to the guest list, but one name caught my eye. Yes, the name of a strung-out goddess: Amy Winehouse.

Anyone following my recent posts and myspace/facebook activity knows that I love this girl. Not necessarily in a sexual way, as she's a cross between Julie Kavner (the voice of Marge Simpson, who actually looks more like Aunt Selma) and that dude from Dead of Alive (they sang the "You spin me right round, baby" song). Not exactly an erection-inspiring equation. It's not about the sexy, though; it's about the tunes, man. Her album changed my life. OK, I won't go that far. If anything, I think it was the timing of her album.

For the uninformed, Back to Black is an album that Amy recorded during a break in her tumultuous relationship with now-husband, Blake Civil-Fielder. She's said that she wasn't exactly inspired, but rather *had* to write those songs. If she didn't get them out, she simply would have died. Dramatic, non? Sure, everyone knows her because of "Rehab". Haha, she's singing about how her label wants her to go to rehab. It's not exactly funny. She was so depressed, and had abused enough substances to get to that point. Sure, it's a cool, rebellious track, but it's also a cry for help (especially if you've read an entertainment blog in the past 48 hrs). My point is that her main single is almost a joke track to some, while the real meat of the album is what follows. "You Know I'm No Good" is about her warning that she was going to fuck up her relationship, but still forcing her lover and herself to learn, the hard way, that she was right all along. "Love is a Losing Game" is about her regretting taking a chance on love, as it's a gamble where the house always wins. Now, I've never been a lyrics person, so those were just a bonus. This woman could sing me the phone book, and I'd be putty. She just hit me at the right time. I was like a 15 yr old girl who'd just gotten her first Dashboard Confessional CD after being burned by her first bf at theatre camp (it's OK, honey. He was gay!).

Anyway, seeing Amy on the card was enough for me to go. Screw the Smashing Pumpkins, or 311, or even the Police. I love all of those guys, but they melted away when I realized I might have the chance to sing "No, no, no!" in the presence of my beehived queen.

People were wondering if she'd actually show up. She's been blowing off gigs left and right due to "exhaustion" and whatnot. But she came. And she performed. And I'm left with mixed feelings. On the one hand, she was magnificent. She really sang those songs, sometimes better than the CD. On the other hand, performance was phoned in at times, due to the fact that a racetrack was not an ideal venue for her. You need to see her in the small jazz club, where the acoustics take over. She is *not* a stadium performer. So, I think it might have been the deadest part of the Saturday bill, but I still loved every minute of it. I saw Amy! Right before she went into rehab! Lord knows what she's gonna be like if it takes...

But wait, there are more acts! If you had ever told me that I'd get to see Cheap Trick perform "The Flame" live, I'd have kicked you in the balls. Well, now I would also owe you an apology and an ice pack. That was one of my 80s dreams come true. If they had driven out in K.I.T.T., with Catherine Bach in the passenger seat, I might've had a stroke.

I saw Ben Harper, but he was pretty boring, really. And while people might kill me for this, I have to say the same thing about the Beastie Boys. Sorry, dudes. That Jamaican waiter from the old MTV commercials would be glad to know that hip-hop is no longer ruled by "Tree Jewish White boyeez". Also probably blasphemy? The Police bored me. I'm the fool who likes the Sting solo stuff better than the group stuff. He's not one of those artists like Peter Cetera or Phil Collins, where it's next to impossible to tell if it's a group or solo song. No, the Police stuff is drastically different from "When We Dance" or "Fields of Gold". Sorry, but a brotha loves his soft rock.

You know who rocked the house? Felix da Housecat! My dance phase was about 8 years ago, but he brought it back in full force. On Saturday, the main party was in the dance tent. It felt weird experiencing that scene with sunlight beaming in, but that didn't stop the club kids. They were tweaking out all over the place. There was one chick who just sat near the door, pinching air. If you were close enough, and the fates allowed, she managed to pinch you ass. Otherwise, she was just pinching, at nothing particular. E is a helluva drug! Felix was awesome, though. I know he has this huge club rep, but to actually be there, and experience it...

Anyway, the overall festival was cool. It was hot as balls, but every tattooed, under-30, local music enthusiast seemed to be in the house. I just couldn't believe that Sir Richard actually attended the thing. I was minding my own, in the guest tent, when he just kind of walks by. There he was, like a blonde-haired Jesus, swaddled in PacSun robes. Too quick for a picture, but slow enough for a memory. Man, I should be a friggin' poet...

To Be Continued...

Posted by William @ 8/11/2007 01:13:00 AM
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"Getting fired by the World Bank - a huge impediment to getting hired by the Galaxy Bank."

So much to write about, but so little time. San Diego recap's coming. Virgin Festival recap is coming.

For some reason, the swag train really pulled up at work recently. Tonight, we had the chance to see a sneak preview of the movie Stardust. Based on a graphic novel by Neil Gaiman and Charles Vess, it's a wonderful tale of fantasy and romance. If you like the Princess Bride or Moulin Rouge, you'll love this movie. Claire Danes has a speech in there about love that is just touching as Hell. OK, enough gushing. It was excellent, but it did have a drawback: I now have to admit that I like something written by Neil Gaiman...

Posted by William @ 8/09/2007 12:12:00 AM
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