"Let me tell you something about 20 year olds, my friend: half of them are 16."

My God, did Knight Rider suck!

I really wanted to like it. I mean, besides Hasselhoff himself, nobody wanted this to work more than I did. But man, did they miss the mark.

First off, let's start with K.I.T.T. While a Mustang Cobra is a nice muscle car, it's not sleek like the Trans-Am. Also, one has to realize that K.I.T.T., as a concept, really isn't that hi-tech anymore. I mean, if you gave me a car with a wi-fi linkup to Google, Wikipedia, and YouTube, I'd have a car just as advanced as this one. People take for granted how pervasive and common the internet has become in recent years. There was no internet during the first show, so K.I.T.T. seemed special. Now, having a car with the OnStar system is just as good.

And let's talk about that little "K.I.T.T. can change color" feature. It's a sad day when Knight Rider starts stealing from a show that stole from IT! That feature is from Viper, a seldom remembered NBC/syndicated show from the mid-nineties. In it, a law enforcement agency created a souped up car to deal with those pesky, not-so-legal missions (sound familiar?). Instead of having artificial intelligence, the car merely changed color (considered an "armor mode") and had machine guns in the running board. The show started on NBC because, mainly, they were trying to resurrect Knight Rider. Only this time, the car didn't drive itself. Instead, they got some illegal street racer to drive it. When they had the NBC money, the car changed from red to a silver snakeskin pattern. When it went to syndication, budget cuts caused it to simply change to silver. Now that's Knight Rider's big gimmick? The car can change color? Don't they already have that shit in Japan? They have everything in Japan (I swear, a couple Godzilla attacks, and they become the technological capital of the world)!

There's something about the camera angles, too. I love that they brought back the violet-filtered desert drive montage, but really, how much shit is going down in the desert? And when they're doing city shots, I swear it's a Mustang commercial. There's the standard Knight Rider camera shot sequence: show the wheel, show the hood/sensor, show the digital dash readout, show the spoiler. On the original car, a lot of these parts were custom-made, as you couldn't get bowling ball hubcaps or a red LED scanner on a standard Trans-Am. This, however, isn't custom; it's concept. This car, for the most part, exists. So, when they show all the "Knight Rider" angles, it comes off looking more like the recent Escalade ad with Kate Walsh.

Speaking of original K.I.T.T., I've got t say, that it pained me to see the nosecone, steering wheel, and license plate just hanging around the scientist's warehouse. Sure, they were put in as fanboy easter eggs, but why the fuck did they have to dismantle the original? He should be in a museum somewhere! Or they could have said that the government backward-engineered his parts to give us stuff like TiVo and teeth whitening strips. Plus, is the current K.I.T.T.'s AI the same as the original, or is this just based on the original? For laymen, what I'm asking is, "Is this the same 'Mr. Feeny K.I.T.T.' that we all know and love, just voiced by Val Kilmer, or is this an entirely new Val Kilmer-only K.I.T.T.?" Does he remember his times with Michael Knight, or has he been reprogrammed?

The casting left a lot to be desired! First, there was Justin Bruehning's terrible delivery. He's too angsty, even when the script doesn't call for that. That's what you get when you cast soap stars, I guess. Oh, look! They gave Mike a loveable, good-for-nothing sidekick. And he's pretty much the same character as the sidekick in Chuck. And what's the deal with Sydney Poitier? Sure, she comes from good stock, citing her dad's resume, but she's always put in roles where I feel she's overcompensating. Whether it's Grindhouse or Knight Rider, they want me to think of her as this strong, kickass woman, when I feel her performance in these roles is as empty as that of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. Once again, Showgirls is not necessarily a bad movie; it's just overacted. And I haven't been able to trust Bruce Davison ever since he was Senator Kelly and Magneto turned him into a saltwater-filled sack of goo.

Plus, I got the feeling that they were going too far trying to be edgy. Hey, look! Michael's waking up with 2 hot chicks! Hey, look! Sydney Poitier's a lesbian FBI agent with a penchant for one-night stands! How cliche. Next, they'll saddle her with a drinking problem.

And The Hoff? Man, oh man, did he not need to come back for this. It's been said, by The Hoff himself, that Knight Rider is the most important role he's ever played. That said, he gets really protective whenever word surfaces that a Knight Rider project is afoot. Here's the deal: He was creating a theatrical KR movie at the same time that NBC decided to do this TV movie. In fact, he's been working on his movie for about 6 years. So, his funding falls through, but NBC's determined to go forward with thei movie. So, he informs them of his interest, and they wrote in him. Now, here's where it gets tricky: this movie was a backdoor pilot. I'm not sure if I've explained that concept before (it's something I would mention), but it's a movie or episode of a pre-existing show, meant to be spun off into it's own series if the ratings are high enough. If you watched Who's The Boss, there's a good example where Angela vists her friend who runs a model agency, and one of the models is Leah Remini. That was spun off as a seres. The Ropers spun out of a backdoor pilot during Three's Company. So, NBC is hoping this movie does well, so that they can launch it as a series next season, which is why they've been hyping the Hell out of it. Anyway, I wish Hoff had kept his distance. Let this ship sink on its own. And where the Hell was his leather jacket and jeans during the funeral? Michael KNight doesn't own a suit. If he does, it looks like something Don Johnson would've worn 20 years ago. It wouldn't havea tie. In fact, I picture Michael Knight as this guy who just wouldn't age with the times. People would be all, "Look at my iPhone", and he'd reply with, "Oh yeah, well my car talks and it's got non-threatening lasers, you know, for burning locks and stuff." And people would just walk away from him, shaking their heads. He's the kind of guy who'd walk up to a little kid and say, "Hey, do you like Spudz MacKenzie?" That would've been a funnier take on the franchise. Cast Vince Vaughn (or Will Ferrell, if you must), and make it about this outdated vigilante who just hasn't changed with the times.

Considering the formula of the original show (Michael Knight rides into town, meets girl, girl's in trouble, he saves girl from injustice in the form of biker gang/exhusband/bootleggers/traveling band of clowns, Michael makes love to her off camera, leaves town, repeat), you've got to wonder how many illegitimate kids he has! I mean, he was the Knight Rider for 4 years that we know of. Just the adventures that we saw, there were about 88 ( 4 seasons, at 22 episodes each) women he could have done this to.

Anyone who's discussed comics with me knows that I'm a continuity freak. I like to know that the order of events makes sense, and fits along a logical timeline. This movie, however, just fucked with Knight Rider continuity. The Hoff has a way of doing that; keep in mind, Mitch Buchanan died when he was blowed up by eco terrorists, and then showed up in the Baywatch Reunion movie like nothing happened. Knight Rider took place between the years of 1982-1986. Then, we were given Knight Rider 2000. Premiering in 1991, this failed backdoor pilot showed the world of Knight Rider in the year 2000, as K.I.T.T. is inside of a '57 Chevy and Foundation for Law and Government are building a new, red Trans-Am. Just like everything from that era, it saw the future as this crazyh world where everyone would have neuro implants and drugs would be super-drugs. You thought crack was bad? Here comes Super Crack! It's just as bad, plus it comes in virtual reality! Here it is, 2008, and crack is still whack, and the only people with implants are alien abductees, and the occasional family of experimental secular humanists. The main reason Knight Rider 2000 failed, though, was that The Hoff was meant to pass the torch to a new driver, this blonde chick with no personality. She had the aforementioned implants because she was shot in the head by her dirty partner on the force. Coincidentally, her implant was comprised on a chipset from K.I.T.T., so it was like they had a cyber bond. Well, did I mention the chick had no personality? If The Hoff came back, it might've worked. Keep in mind, though, had that happened, we never would've had Baywatch. Blessing or curse? You decide.

Next, Universal decided to give us Team Knight Rider. Broadcast for one season between 1996 and 1997, TKR followed an elite strike force comprises of 5 people from all walks of life. One was a former marine, one a hacker, one a former jewel thief, and so on. They were each paired with a vehicle that possesed an artificial intelligence that complimented their personalities. So, instead of everyone having a condescending British guy, there was more diversity in the car/truck/motorcycle personalities (Fun Fact: Kat, the jewel thief, had a motorcycle voiced by none of than Nia Vardolos of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" fame). Five people, five cars. No, they didn't form Voltron. When they went to Europe, there was even a Knight Mini Pod Car. And K.I.T.T.'s AI made an appearance, while the car didn't. The series ended on a cliffhanger, where team member Jenny learns that Michael Knight (long though dead, btw), was her father (sound familiar?). They couldn't talk the Hoff into this one, so they just show a guy, with the Hoff's build, from a distance. The funny thing about TKR is that it's probably the only thing on the internet that only has 1 website devoted to it. If you don't believe, go check. I'll wait. Hell, even I have 2 websites! Anyway, my prob with TKR was that it took place in realtime, 1996, before the events of TKR, yet they already mentioned the death of former mentor Devon Miles, which doesn't occur until the year 2000, as shown in the Knight Rider 2000 TV movie. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, instead of a big rig, ther TKR headquarters was a cargo plane (sound familiar?).

And now this movie takes place in real time, 2008, but there are no implants or Super Crack or even a red Trans Am. Michael might have a '57 Chevy, but that wasn't mentioned. Clearly, Knight Rider 2000 never happened according to this new timeline.

Anyway, the movie was hella-hyped, and I'm pretty sure NBC's gonna get the numbers they wanted and bring it back in the fall. It's sad, too, because that show won't make it to '09 unless they launch it in January. It's got Bionic Woman written all over it (which would've ben canceled regardless of the strike. Now, it's experiencing a more quiet death). It's not like they really have a choice, considering the strike killed most of the stuff they had in the pipeline. I just hate to think that something I loved as a child is being resustiated just so someone can shoot it in the head. I've written about it before, but here's my take on Knight Rider: it ain't Shakespeare. I will never try to tell you it's a good show. Hell, Brandon Tartikoff developed it, and he never called it a good show. What is is, though, is an entertaining show. Tartikoff always said that the car, not Hasselhoff, was the star of the show. When envisioned, the show was supposed to revive the western, as a man rode into town, said maybe 6 words, and righted every wrong that he came in contact with. Over time, Tartikoff saw that Hasselhoff was charismatic, so that vision changed a bit. However, whenever The Hoff would rally for more money, Tartikoff never shied from reminding him that the car was the star of the show - the driver could be replaced. My relationship/history with Knight Rider is bittersweet. You ever date someone who really isn't that attractive, on a "universal scale", but they're attractive to you? You know your friends don't get it, but you just hope they have enough tact to not bring up the topic. Knight Rider is that unattractive girlfriend to me. I know she ain't a beauty queen, but she's attractive to me. That said, there are limits. There are even times when you have to think to yourself, "Man, so-and-so is looking pretty busted today." Well, after watching that movie, I can say that today is that day, and that so-and-so is Knight Rider. Tune in next time, where I answer the whole "I'll be surprised if I survive the weekend" riddle...

Posted by William @ 2/19/2008 01:14:00 AM
permalink | 0 comments

"Let me tell you something about 20 year olds, my friend: half of them are 16."

My God, did Knight Rider suck!

I really wanted to like it. I mean, besides Hasselhoff himself, nobody wanted this to work more than I did. But man, did they miss the mark.

First off, let's start with K.I.T.T. While a Mustang Cobra is a nice muscle car, it's not sleek like the Trans-Am. Also, one has to realize that K.I.T.T., as a concept, really isn't that hi-tech anymore. I mean, if you gave me a car with a wi-fi linkup to Google, Wikipedia, and YouTube, I'd have a car just as advanced as this one. People take for granted how pervasive and common the internet has become in recent years. There was no internet during the first show, so K.I.T.T. seemed special. Now, having a car with the OnStar system is just as good.

And let's talk about that little "K.I.T.T. can change color" feature. It's a sad day when Knight Rider starts stealing from a show that stole from IT! That feature is from Viper, a seldom remembered NBC/syndicated show from the mid-nineties. In it, a law enforcement agency created a souped up car to deal with those pesky, not-so-legal missions (sound familiar?). Instead of having artificial intelligence, the car merely changed color (considered an "armor mode") and had machine guns in the running board. The show started on NBC because, mainly, they were trying to resurrect Knight Rider. Only this time, the car didn't drive itself. Instead, they got some illegal street racer to drive it. When they had the NBC money, the car changed from red to a silver snakeskin pattern. When it went to syndication, budget cuts caused it to simply change to silver. Now that's Knight Rider's big gimmick? The car can change color? Don't they already have that shit in Japan? They have everything in Japan (I swear, a couple Godzilla attacks, and they become the technological capital of the world)!

There's something about the camera angles, too. I love that they brought back the violet-filtered desert drive montage, but really, how much shit is going down in the desert? And when they're doing city shots, I swear it's a Mustang commercial. There's the standard Knight Rider camera shot sequence: show the wheel, show the hood/sensor, show the digital dash readout, show the spoiler. On the original car, a lot of these parts were custom-made, as you couldn't get bowling ball hubcaps or a red LED scanner on a standard Trans-Am. This, however, isn't custom; it's concept. This car, for the most part, exists. So, when they show all the "Knight Rider" angles, it comes off looking more like the recent Escalade ad with Kate Walsh.

Speaking of original K.I.T.T., I've got t say, that it pained me to see the nosecone, steering wheel, and license plate just hanging around the scientist's warehouse. Sure, they were put in as fanboy easter eggs, but why the fuck did they have to dismantle the original? He should be in a museum somewhere! Or they could have said that the government backward-engineered his parts to give us stuff like TiVo and teeth whitening strips. Plus, is the current K.I.T.T.'s AI the same as the original, or is this just based on the original? For laymen, what I'm asking is, "Is this the same 'Mr. Feeny K.I.T.T.' that we all know and love, just voiced by Val Kilmer, or is this an entirely new Val Kilmer-only K.I.T.T.?" Does he remember his times with Michael Knight, or has he been reprogrammed?

The casting left a lot to be desired! First, there was Justin Bruehning's terrible delivery. He's too angsty, even when the script doesn't call for that. That's what you get when you cast soap stars, I guess. Oh, look! They gave Mike a loveable, good-for-nothing sidekick. And he's pretty much the same character as the sidekick in Chuck. And what's the deal with Sydney Poitier? Sure, she comes from good stock, citing her dad's resume, but she's always put in roles where I feel she's overcompensating. Whether it's Grindhouse or Knight Rider, they want me to think of her as this strong, kickass woman, when I feel her performance in these roles is as empty as that of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. Once again, Showgirls is not necessarily a bad movie; it's just overacted. And I haven't been able to trust Bruce Davison ever since he was Senator Kelly and Magneto turned him into a saltwater-filled sack of goo.

Plus, I got the feeling that they were going too far trying to be edgy. Hey, look! Michael's waking up with 2 hot chicks! Hey, look! Sydney Poitier's a lesbian FBI agent with a penchant for one-night stands! How cliche. Next, they'll saddle her with a drinking problem.

And The Hoff? Man, oh man, did he not need to come back for this. It's been said, by The Hoff himself, that Knight Rider is the most important role he's ever played. That said, he gets really protective whenever word surfaces that a Knight Rider project is afoot. Here's the deal: He was creating a theatrical KR movie at the same time that NBC decided to do this TV movie. In fact, he's been working on his movie for about 6 years. So, his funding falls through, but NBC's determined to go forward with thei movie. So, he informs them of his interest, and they wrote in him. Now, here's where it gets tricky: this movie was a backdoor pilot. I'm not sure if I've explained that concept before (it's something I would mention), but it's a movie or episode of a pre-existing show, meant to be spun off into it's own series if the ratings are high enough. If you watched Who's The Boss, there's a good example where Angela vists her friend who runs a model agency, and one of the models is Leah Remini. That was spun off as a seres. The Ropers spun out of a backdoor pilot during Three's Company. So, NBC is hoping this movie does well, so that they can launch it as a series next season, which is why they've been hyping the Hell out of it. Anyway, I wish Hoff had kept his distance. Let this ship sink on its own. And where the Hell was his leather jacket and jeans during the funeral? Michael KNight doesn't own a suit. If he does, it looks like something Don Johnson would've worn 20 years ago. It wouldn't havea tie. In fact, I picture Michael Knight as this guy who just wouldn't age with the times. People would be all, "Look at my iPhone", and he'd reply with, "Oh yeah, well my car talks and it's got non-threatening lasers, you know, for burning locks and stuff." And people would just walk away from him, shaking their heads. He's the kind of guy who'd walk up to a little kid and say, "Hey, do you like Spudz MacKenzie?" That would've been a funnier take on the franchise. Cast Vince Vaughn (or Will Ferrell, if you must), and make it about this outdated vigilante who just hasn't changed with the times.

Considering the formula of the original show (Michael Knight rides into town, meets girl, girl's in trouble, he saves girl from injustice in the form of biker gang/exhusband/bootleggers/traveling band of clowns, Michael makes love to her off camera, leaves town, repeat), you've got to wonder how many illegitimate kids he has! I mean, he was the Knight Rider for 4 years that we know of. Just the adventures that we saw, there were about 88 ( 4 seasons, at 22 episodes each) women he could have done this to.

Anyone who's discussed comics with me knows that I'm a continuity freak. I like to know that the order of events makes sense, and fits along a logical timeline. This movie, however, just fucked with Knight Rider continuity. The Hoff has a way of doing that; keep in mind, Mitch Buchanan died when he was blowed up by eco terrorists, and then showed up in the Baywatch Reunion movie like nothing happened. Knight Rider took place between the years of 1982-1986. Then, we were given Knight Rider 2000. Premiering in 1991, this failed backdoor pilot showed the world of Knight Rider in the year 2000, as K.I.T.T. is inside of a '57 Chevy and Foundation for Law and Government are building a new, red Trans-Am. Just like everything from that era, it saw the future as this crazyh world where everyone would have neuro implants and drugs would be super-drugs. You thought crack was bad? Here comes Super Crack! It's just as bad, plus it comes in virtual reality! Here it is, 2008, and crack is still whack, and the only people with implants are alien abductees, and the occasional family of experimental secular humanists. The main reason Knight Rider 2000 failed, though, was that The Hoff was meant to pass the torch to a new driver, this blonde chick with no personality. She had the aforementioned implants because she was shot in the head by her dirty partner on the force. Coincidentally, her implant was comprised on a chipset from K.I.T.T., so it was like they had a cyber bond. Well, did I mention the chick had no personality? If The Hoff came back, it might've worked. Keep in mind, though, had that happened, we never would've had Baywatch. Blessing or curse? You decide.

Next, Universal decided to give us Team Knight Rider. Broadcast for one season between 1996 and 1997, TKR followed an elite strike force comprises of 5 people from all walks of life. One was a former marine, one a hacker, one a former jewel thief, and so on. They were each paired with a vehicle that possesed an artificial intelligence that complimented their personalities. So, instead of everyone having a condescending British guy, there was more diversity in the car/truck/motorcycle personalities (Fun Fact: Kat, the jewel thief, had a motorcycle voiced by none of than Nia Vardolos of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" fame). Five people, five cars. No, they didn't form Voltron. When they went to Europe, there was even a Knight Mini Pod Car. And K.I.T.T.'s AI made an appearance, while the car didn't. The series ended on a cliffhanger, where team member Jenny learns that Michael Knight (long though dead, btw), was her father (sound familiar?). They couldn't talk the Hoff into this one, so they just show a guy, with the Hoff's build, from a distance. The funny thing about TKR is that it's probably the only thing on the internet that only has 1 website devoted to it. If you don't believe, go check. I'll wait. Hell, even I have 2 websites! Anyway, my prob with TKR was that it took place in realtime, 1996, before the events of TKR, yet they already mentioned the death of former mentor Devon Miles, which doesn't occur until the year 2000, as shown in the Knight Rider 2000 TV movie. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, instead of a big rig, ther TKR headquarters was a cargo plane (sound familiar?).

And now this movie takes place in real time, 2008, but there are no implants or Super Crack or even a red Trans Am. Michael might have a '57 Chevy, but that wasn't mentioned. Clearly, Knight Rider 2000 never happened according to this new timeline.

Anyway, the movie was hella-hyped, and I'm pretty sure NBC's gonna get the numbers they wanted and bring it back in the fall. It's sad, too, because that show won't make it to '09 unless they launch it in January. It's got Bionic Woman written all over it (which would've ben canceled regardless of the strike. Now, it's experiencing a more quiet death). It's not like they really have a choice, considering the strike killed most of the stuff they had in the pipeline. I just hate to think that something I loved as a child is being resustiated just so someone can shoot it in the head. I've written about it before, but here's my take on Knight Rider: it ain't Shakespeare. I will never try to tell you it's a good show. Hell, Brandon Tartikoff developed it, and he never called it a good show. What is is, though, is an entertaining show. Tartikoff always said that the car, not Hasselhoff, was the star of the show. When envisioned, the show was supposed to revive the western, as a man rode into town, said maybe 6 words, and righted every wrong that he came in contact with. Over time, Tartikoff saw that Hasselhoff was charismatic, so that vision changed a bit. However, whenever The Hoff would rally for more money, Tartikoff never shied from reminding him that the car was the star of the show - the driver could be replaced. My relationship/history with Knight Rider is bittersweet. You ever date someone who really isn't that attractive, on a "universal scale", but they're attractive to you? You know your friends don't get it, but you just hope they have enough tact to not bring up the topic. Knight Rider is that unattractive girlfriend to me. I know she ain't a beauty queen, but she's attractive to me. That said, there are limits. There are even times when you have to think to yourself, "Man, so-and-so is looking pretty busted today." Well, after watching that movie, I can say that today is that day, and that so-and-so is Knight Rider. Tune in next time, where I answer the whole "I'll be surprised if I survive the weekend" riddle...

Posted by William @ 2/19/2008 01:14:00 AM
permalink | 0 comments

"All I need is the air I breathe, and a place to rest my head."

Yay, the strike's over! And I'm sorry to admit that I've already forgotten about this TV season. I can't tell you what's still on or what got cancelled. All I watch are One Tree Hill and reality shows right now. There were a lot of shitty shows that probably would have been cancelled, had it not been for the strike. So, networks either let them run their course, or snatched them along with everything else. Never did see that Cavemen show. Or Carpoolers. Or Bionic Woman. I'm pretty sure those won't be coming back. That said, I've still got a lot of random stuff on my mind regarding TV. Either try to follow along, or just sit in that dark corner and nod and smile.

- Is it just me, or is Diddy WAY overcompensating this season on Making the Band? Is he trying to respond to the "down low" rumors that have persisted about him over the past few years? It's like he wants us to think he's hard and gangsta when we know better. Every other word he says has to be bleeped out; he's limping in on a can, like he was shot or something. It's like he's trying to go back to his "Puff Daddy" persona, back before Biggie died, when he actually had street cred. Back then, he didn't suffer from "bitchassness". Plus, people forget, this is the same dude who dated J.Lo and was implicated in a shooting. It's funny how an MTV show can just make people forget about all that. Who, exactly, is the real Sean Combs?

-Speaking of Making the Band 4, Aubrey O'Day. Mmm....I love her and loathe her at the same time. She's got those crazy eyes, where you just know she'll go Fatal Attraction all over you. Poor little solo artist Donnie. He just doesn't realize how badly she's going to ruin his life. She has her sites set on him and is going to eat him alive. There's something about that kind of woman: you know you shouldn't go near her, but you'd be a fool not to. I swear, though, if she mentions their "platinum album" one more time, I'm going to track her down and punch her in the face. We get it! Y'all had a successful album. It's a testament, though, that I can't even name a single Danity Kane song, so clearly they weren't THAT famous! It's a common fact that the debut album of any group formed on a reality show usually sells well. It's that the viewers want to listen to the album that they watched being created. That said, it's the sophomore album that tanks. That's why most of O-Town is currently working in car washes scattered across the Orlando region. It would be a crying shame if The Band creates an album that wipes the floor with Danity Kane.

-While I'm on the subject of The Band, Diddy really needs to rename them. Maybe something like 113? Modeci? Thugz to Men? I mean, we know what Diddy's trying to do, but the problem is that he's focused too much on image than sound. I look at these boys, and I don't buy that they're as hard as Bad Boy would like me to believe. They can have all the neck tattoos and cornrows in the world, and they're still gonna look like junior deacons at a costume party. These boys look like they just came from prayer meeting! Did y'all see how Q caught the Holy Ghost when they went to church?! First off, that was probably the funniest scenario I've ever seen on reality television, but he almost blew his cover when he started testifyin' in the aisles! Anyway, I'm gonna need a display of their street cred before we go any further. Forget the traditional "I want you to walk to Brooklyn and get me a cheesecake". This season, Diddy should say something like, "I want one of y'all to get a Danity Kane chick pregnant (bonus points if it's the married one!), while the rest of y'all go rob Irv Gotti's house." You know, something with some flair!

-Anna and I were watching The Salt & Pepa Show last night, and we were trying to figure out how staged it actually is. I mean, it's too much like a sitcom, in that crazy Pepa comes up with some hairbrained scheme, while "level-headed" Salt talks her down. In the end, however, Salt comes to learn a valuable lesson, as Pepa's scheme turns out to not be so crazy after all. And they hug. It's like a black Full House. It's scary, though, how much Pepa is looking like a drag queen these days. She'll make these facial expressions that'll just turn your stomach. You've got to feel sorry for Pep, too, as she's like a kid who never grew up. She just wants shit to be like it was in the old days, back when they were touring with Kid 'N Play. Meanwhile, Salt has to "mom" everything and she's just a spoilsport. I will say that it seems like Salt was smarter with her money. She's got a nice house and investments, and has moved on, while Pep looks like she's a receptionist at a hair salon. A ghetto hair salon. One of those cash-only places, with a fried fish carryout joint next door.

-Flavor of Love 3...what can I say that hasn't already been said? To be honest, I've never watched an entire season of FoL. I just can't do it. If I want to see that much ghetto, I'll just go down to Wheaton Plaza. That said, it's funny to have a season where even Flav isn't impressed. I've got to admit, Shorty did have a Hell of an underbite. He has some busted women in that house this time around, most of whom were chosen on the internet. Way to go America! You can kill a convict, but you can't be trusted to find a wife for one. Uncle Sam is in Heaven crying with that Indian who's always crying about litterbugs. And I've seen a lot of Flav, from The Surreal Life to present, but I've never seen him make as big a deal over touching his face as he's doing this season. Did he get some work done? Did he have some sort face trauma in jail all those years ago? Anyway, I'm hoping he either chooses Hotlanta or Bunz. Otherwise, he's just left with those twins. You know, it's a terrible situation where you see an ugly set of twins, and you're just left wondering, "What was God thinking? Why 2? I mean, were there parts left over after He made the first one or something?"

-Good money says we won't even know who Flo-Rida is in 5 years. He's gonna go to the one-hit wonder old folks home, along with Eamonn and Kevin Lyttle. Sometimes, though, the Phoenix does rise from the ashes. It's good to see that 12 years after her debut, Robyn is finally getting her due. "Do you know what it takes to love me"? Well, apparently, 12 years. But she's got a hot club tour right now, plus she's on the "Sexual Eruption" remix, so that's a start.

-I just realized the opening piano vamp from Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" would make a pretty decent hip-hop sample. Think of it along the lines of how Destiny's Child used Stevie Nicks's "Edge of Seventeen" vamp. I think I might be on to something here...

-I still can't believe that The CW isn't renewing Smackdown next season. I mean, no, it doesn't mesh with their new female-friendly programming initiative, but to just throw out an audience that size is almost unheard of. King Kong once told me that Smackdown is the highest-rated English-speaking show in Spanish households. Before you laugh, just think about that for a minute. That's a powerful demographic that's only going to get stronger. Plus, where's it gonna go? People are saying USA will probably pick it up, which is going to leave basic TV without wrestling once again. It's gonna be like the "Raw is War" era when there was Raw and Nitro, but nothing Saturday mornings on your local sydicated station. I guess everyone really does have cable now...

-I don't feel so great about Paige being back on Trading Spaces. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE her and I'd probably drink her bath water. That said, it's too little, too late. Discovery/TLC made a BAD move firing her all those years ago, but you just can't pretend the past few seasons didn't happen. There are too many gimmicks this season: "we're going to take a divorced couple and have them trade spaces so that the depressed former husband can finally accept that his wife has moved on". Ouch! It feels so...uncomfortable. Paige has said that it was neither her idea to leave the show, nor was it her idea to come back. She's been a good sport, plus she probably needs work, but watching it just affirms that you truly can't go home again.

-OK, I used to have this thing for Kat Von D of LAInk. I mean, she seemed badass and she was a master tattoo artist. Suddenly, though, I've found that her fashion sense is just too far gone for my taste. She used to wear low-rise jeans and a vest or halter top; nothing really flashy, but is was still sey. Now, she'll wear an old ratty t-shirt and some clown pants. It's like she just doesn't care about her appearance anymore since she started dating Roy Orbison's son, "Orbie". It's not like she was ever the belle of the ball, but she had style. Now, she just looks dirty and homeless half the time. I'm starting to feel the same way about her that I feel about the Ace of Cakes/Charm City Cakes crew: I don't want her touching my skin any more than I want them touching my food. Her assistant, Pixie, is adorable. Anyone who gets a piercing to have permanent dimples is awesome in my book. My fear is how that shit's gonna look in 25 years. Then again, those people never grow old. They just fade away...in a freak concert stampede/motorcycle accident/dinosaur attack.

Well, that about does it for now. Interesting weekend coming up. If I live through it, it'll surprise me. No, that's not a cry for help. It is, however, bait for you to come back next week. If I survive...

Posted by William @ 2/13/2008 06:50:00 PM
permalink | 2 comments

"Yeah, you are beautiful, but ya don't mean a thing to me."

So, for the past year, I've had one song that's constantly running in the back of my mind. Don't ask me why. It's just there. In the words of the greatest Martin episode ever, "You ever had a song in your head and ya just can't get it out?! Well, that happened to me fifteen years ago..."

Now, I've always loved Journey, but I really love Steve Perry. Like Phil Collins and Genesis, most people can't tell the difference between a Journey song and a Steve Perry song. Well, I'm not most people. I love Steve Perry, mainly, because he couldn't be famous today. Powerful voice, but he ain't a looker. He looks like "the bad kid" from every 80's movie, all grown up. He's just missing the requisite bandana/headband. Catch the right video, and he'll even be wearing that. Anyway, there's a song of his that I find myself singing, at least once a day. I now, give you that song:

Posted by William @ 2/05/2008 06:37:00 PM
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"...but fair ain't what you really need."

Behold, the greatest video ever, for the greatest song ever composed! It makes me want to kill ninjas and ride my motorcycle down the freeway at 100 MPH, with lots of factories and shit blowing up behind me! I give you Dragon Force, with "Through the Fire and Flame":

Posted by William @ 2/04/2008 11:52:00 PM
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