"My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing..."

So, lately I've noticed a lot of TV shows that just make no sense whatsoever. First up is Northern Palm Wrestling. It debuted on MTV last night, and it's basically a sketch show by the comedy group Northern Palm Wrestling. According to their "origin story", they started out as a group of guys who did a lot of backyard wrestling matches back in the day. Over time, that evolved into low-brow, un-P.C. sketch comedy. Now, I'm all about the un-P.C., but I can't deal with the format of the show. Originally, they were picked up as web segments for MTV.com, but it debuted as an actual show after Human Giant last night. Sure, they were hoping to benefit from the Human Giant lead-in, but these guys are nowhere near that level. I think the main thing going against them is the fact that it really looks like some sort of cable access show. Maybe they're going for low-quality, a la the "Sensual Seduction" video, but I just couldn't deal. It was like watching something made by a bunch of high school kids. The uncool high school kids. I turned it off 5 minutes in, which is weird, considering I can usually watch anything.

That's when I turned to the next show that makes absolutely no sense to me: The Real Wedding Crashers, on Style Network. If you've read this blog before, you know that I'm a sucker for a good wedding show, so I'm always on board for "I Do Tuesdays". That said, they've recently replaced my fave, I Propose, with The Real Wedding Crashers. For those who haven't seen it, it's basically Punk'd: The Wedding Edition. My problem, though, is that it's always at the request of the bride and groom. So, the basic premise is you've got a bride and groom who decide, "we want to make this wedding an event that nobody will forget." That's so sad. The fact that their wedded bliss, holy union, and $80-a-plate gathering won't be memorable enough. Nope, they've got to recruit this team of comedians to come and "crash" the wedding by playing elaborate pranks.

First off, it's clear they just use the name to capitalize on the hit movie, while having nothing to do with that remise. Reality show about guys crashing weddings to get chicks? I'm all about it! This show, however, doesn't prove to be as exciting. I think it would be funnier if everyone was in on the joke except the bride and groom. I mean, imagine their emotional breakdown as they think their special day is falling down around them. That'd be as hilarious as the episode of Punk'd where Justin Timberlake started crying because he thought his stuff was being repossesed due to tax evasion. If you look at the J.T. timeline, that was the moment he reinvented himself, as he had to do something to come back from looking like a little bitch in front of his primary demographic. Nipplegate at the Super Bowl wasn't long after that. His little way of saying, "Laugh at my tears now, bitches". Anyway, I digress...I would also be pissed if it turned out the bride and groom had done this, even though they weren't paying for the wedding. I mean, what a way to waste someone else's money! You want a memorable ceremony? Here's me, sticking you with the bill, ungrateful bitch of a daughter!

The trick of it is that they "crash" the entire timeline, from preparation to ceremony to reception. On last night's episode, the wedding ceremony was interrupted by skydivers, who land on the golf course site of the wedding, mid-ceremony. Of course, it was the Crasher Team, and they played it off that they thought they were landing for a birthday party gig. It's a big elaborate thing, though, as much of it is set up days before. One aspect that rubbed me the wrong way was the use of Crasher Cat. Clearly, the "hot chick" of the team, Cat's mission was to get invited to the wedding so that she would be the "man on the inside". Well, she arrives at the cake shop, just in time to see the groomsman accidentally destroy all of the cakes (including the one for the ceremony), which was all part of the crash. She starts flirting with him, and gets him to ask her to the wedding. Then, she shows up at the wedding, wearing a wedding dress, which appalls most of the guests, seeing as how she's taking attention away from the true bride. Once the crash is revealed, everyone's laughing and applauding, but you can see the disappointment on the groomsman's face, as he thought he'd really scored a date with a hot chick. Ya got played, bitch! And all she could say to him was, "Did you have fun?" I felt as bad for him as I feel for some of the folks on Hell Date, as you know they were just doing the damn thing, looking for The One. In the meantime, someone thought it would be a good idea to prank 'em with a horrible date. Sure, they're good sports in the end (usually), but you've just got to know that some part of them dies inside, the part that was hoping that the search was finally over, that this could be The One...

I'm totally over Flavor of Love, as my baby, Bunz, was shown the door last week. Making the Band's over, resulting in Danity Kane producing a KICK ASS CD, while leaving Day 26 to deliver a disc of 112/Jagged Edge leftovers. Here's hoping Donnie's album, when it finally comes out, kicks all their asses. I don't really care who wins America's Best Dance Crew now that Kaba Modern's out. I feel like I jinxed them. Anyway, Status Quo does NOT deserve to still be in that competition. They've got a lot of heart, but they've been sloppy from day 1. If they were judged by that day's performance instead of the week before, they'd be out. They always brought it when they were in trouble, but sucked when they were safe. Unless there's some kind of rigged, cultural bias going on, expect JabbaWockeez to wipe the floor with them tomorrow night.

Another show that I just can't seem to get into is High School Reunion. I have never seen TVLand hype a show as much as they hyped this thing. However, for a supposed "TVLand Original", it's not. You see, High School Reunion actually debuted during the middle of the WB's existence, and it was controversial because it included a bunch of people who weren't really in school together. Sure, they played it off as, "watch the shit hit the fan", but a lof of the people simply went to the same school, but during different years, so there was no pre-existing drama to mine. It lasted about 2 seasons, and faded away, on ly to be reborn on basic cable, just like The Surreal Life (also a WB show). Anyway, the folks this season actually went to high school together, during the same year (class of '87), and there's the potential for the fur to fly. Well, not really. The problem is that they're so...normal. They're just normal people. Whoop-dee-doo.

Sure, the former "hottest girl in school" has been divorced 4 times. Big deal. The student body president who was destined to be a great success is fat and bitter at his former bully. Big deal. All of the stuff that should've been stretched out all season is resolved in one episode. Aforementioned pres confronts bully, bully says the standard, "I'm sorry, man. That was so long ago. I don't remember you." Pres is upset because bully clearly hasn't been harboring as many feelings as he has. He thinks it over for a bit, and goes back to the house for a beer. I don't know if it's editing or what, but that resolution shouldn't have come in a mere 5 minutes. We're talking 20 yrs of bitterness, quenched by a convenience store trip and a poolside beer. If only international conflicts could be resolved so simply.

There's also the lesbian who might want to be with a guy. Oooh! That would be hot if she weren't on the doorstep of 40. Might as well throw in Melissa Ethridge while you're at it. Plus, her Date Rapist Smile-Wearing potential suitor rubs me the wrong way. The most potential comes from the guy who's betrayed by the best friend who slept with his ex-wife. And, of course, said former best friend is also in the house. As well as the ex-wife. Now, due to the semantics, I can't tell if he slept with the chick after the divorce, or if their affair caused the divorce. "Victim" always refers to her as "my ex-wife", evn when describing things in the past, so I'm at a loss. Sure, there's a "bro's before ho's" deal, but I don't think he has much to be crying about if they were already divorced. Anyway, bottom line is that the cast is too damn old. Nobody cares. The show would be much better if they went after the Class of '97. Those 10 years would make a whole Hell of a lot of difference.

Anyway, this point got way longer than I'd planned. Especially considering it's nothing but a post of dislikes. Come back next time, where I talk about stuff I do like on television right now. Or, maybe I'll prove that I actually have a life, and tell you a story. We'll see how I feel...

Posted by William @ 3/26/2008 03:01:00 PM
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"Damn you and your lemonade!"

-Oh, the Eliot Spitzer saga...the only part that I enjoyed is that the chick's name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre. That's the name of the character I despised the most from Breaker High. Anybody remember Breaker High? It was a UPN weekday show that came on after Sweet Valley High. It followed the whole late-90s "Semester at Sea" craze, and was basically "Saved by the Bell on a boat." It introduced America to Persia White (Girlfriends), Tyler Labine (Reaper and a bunch of cancelled stuff), and Ryan Gosling (The Notebook, and crush to millions!). Anyway, Ashley Dupree was a Southern Belle, former beauty queen who was the bitch of the group. On most shows, this role is also known as "the hot chick". For some reason, though, due to Breaker High's poor casting, you're left to wonder, "Why does this chick think she's the shit?" I mean, she was a fiesty redhead with a Southern accent, but that's where the bus stopped. In all the pool scenes, she was the chick wearing the one-piece, and for good reason. She was played by Teri Conn, now Colombino, who's made quite the name for herself on As The World Turns. Anyway, as for the escort, this is the best thing that could've happened to her. She'll have a book deal by the last week of April.

-Two videos came out this week that leave me scratching my head. First up is "Damaged", by Danity Kane. Now, I downloaded that album yesterday, and I've got to say it's hot. If you liked their last album, you might not like this one. They've taken their sound in a whole new direction. If you liked Britney's Blackout album (which I did), you're going to LOVE Welcome to the Dollhouse. Anyway, the Damaged video. As I've said before, it's a hot dance song, but it's one corny-ass video. The dance moves are seriously stunted. They're reminiscent of those videos Britney made back when everybody thought she'd had a boob job. Not "Baby One More Time" or even "Oops..."; I'm talking about "Sometimes". These moves are just like that: where every movement is some elaborate arm motion, like they're summoning the Megazord or something. Plus, I'm not really feeling Shannon's look. Up to this point, we're led to believe that Aubrey was the leader, but Shannon gets more screen-time in this video than she did in the entirety of this season of MTB. I guess they realized it's hard to pass off "The Married One" as some sort of sex symbol. It's the same reason all boybanders are told to say they're single in interviews - it keeps hope alive for the fans. Anyway, Shannon's got this Suzanne Somers of the Future thing going on, which is just kinda...off. I don't know what spinning around on a space turntable has to do with a broken heart. Is that how they cure broken hearts in the future? It just doesn't fit the theme of the song. And to cap it off, they're dancing inside this dude's heart? Isn't that just exacerbating the damage? Like I said, some corny shit.

Then, we have Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney...I am seriously disappointed. She finally released the video for "Break the Ice". If you've been following this blog, you'll know that not only do I ADORE that song, but I also predicted it would be the next single. But what does she do? She makes the video some anime piece of crap, that doesn't even mimic the theme of the song. It's cookie-cutter anime, as some blonde chick (who doesn't even resemble Britney) kicks a bunch of dudes in the head. It's the same type of shit that makes YouTube so popular. You know, where some American otaku takes a Nickelback song and uses it to highlight the timeline of the relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask. This video is just like that. Right now, there's some kid in his mom's basement, who's splicing together a better video using this song and selected scenes from Death Note and Fullmetal Alchemist. And they had the audacity to end it with "To Be Continued"?! Britney, I know you're a little stressed these days, what with the parental issues and your new gig on How I Met Your Mother, but please explain what blowing up a mobster's skyscraper has to do with this song!

-Oh, man! BET added Sanford back to their schedule. You don't know how happy that makes me. I'm a big fan of the obscure-failed-spin-off-of-the-successful-show formula. Just like with Three's a Crowd, nobody remembers Sanford. Back in 1980, NBC was at the bottom of the ratings, so they got Redd Foxx to agree to reprise the role of Fred Sanford, from Sanford & Son. Well, rumor has it that, at some point, Demond Wilson had pulled a gun on producer Norman Lear, so he wasn't invited to the spin-off. That left Sanford with no son, so he takes on Cal, a fat White, country White guy who had "worked with Lamont on the Alaskan pipeline". Sidebar: I'll admit that I don't know much about the pipeline economy in the '70s. I know they said Lamont went to work there, and I know that there's good money in it, however, I don't see some Black assistant junk dealer, from Watts, going to Alaska, with his fro and porn star moustache, working in the ice and snow. To me, that excuse was more of an insult that the way Family Matters just wrote out Jaimee Foxworth like she never even existed. OK, anyway, Sanford only lasted 2 seasons, with a total of 26 episodes. The first season follows Fred as he dates this rich widow. The interesting part is that he seems to feel really bad about it, like he's guilty that he's not honoring Elizabeth's memory. I can understand this, but it contradicts the fact that he was engaged to Donna for a good chunk of Sanford & Son, and he didn't seem to feel that union was an affront to Elizabeth. Anyway, the whole "Fred dating" angle got stale, so the second season saw good old Aunt Esther moving in, so she could find some reason to call Fred "an ol' fish-eyed fool" every episode.

-Speaking of Jaimee Foxworth, why did no one tell me she was on Celebrity Rehab?! I totally would've been onboard had I known that. I skipped that show because I thought it was the barrel-scrapings from The Surreal Life. The Jaimee Foxworth Saga, however, is something in which I have a lot of interest. The Judy Winslow Paradox ranks up there with the disappearance of Chuck Cunningham in the annals of television history. It's one of the great mysteries that is only just coming to life. Most child stars hit it big and don't know how to handle themselves. She, on the other hand, hit bottom because she was kicked out of the limelight. I almost feel like no one close to the show talks about it because they feel somewhat responsible for her downfall. Either way, that bitch led a rough life. I'm glad she's out of porn and getting help. It's only a matter of time before her inevitable 700 Club visit.

-Can they just go ahead and crown Kaba Modern as America's Best Dance Crew already? The music of Grease has never sounded as good as it did during that Master Mix!

-J Records really needs to soften up Leona Lewis's image. Get her a new make-up person or something. Yes, I love her album. I've had the UK version since October, and I truly think this is only the beginning. A lot of people compare her to Mariah, but that's not accurate, as she doesn't have Mariah's control yet. Emphasis on yet. That said, she's got quite the jawline. If you've seen the video for "Bleeding Love", you know what I mean. She gives off a bit of a tranny vibe. And not the most convincing tranny. Almost a To Wong Foo thing going on.

-I love Amy Winehouse, but I'm in love with Frank-era Amy Winehouse. Sure, she's currently a crazy, drug-addled tabloid dream. That's not what does it for me. I have the biggest crush on Soulful Jewess Amy. Sure, she had that snaggletooth, but so does Jewel, and we all love her. I just watched Amy's True Hollywood Story, and it made me HATE her husband. It was all downhill once he entered the picture. Prior to that, she was curvy and oh, so sexy. Now, she uses her own face as an ashtray. Don't do drugs, kids...

-Human Giant and Free Radio are the funniest shows on TV these days.

-Drake Bell, of Nickelodeon's Drake & Josh, is great casting for Superhero Movie, and it's his biggest cinematic break. I just hope Josh Peck doesn't end up like Kel Mitchell...

That's it for now. I leave you with this question: who would you rather have show up at your door: Chris Hansen or Joey Greco? Trust me, folks. It's not an easy answer....

Posted by William @ 3/13/2008 07:16:00 PM
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"How're you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?"

Huh. It turns out my last post was Post #600. There were no bells and whistles or anything. I've got to pay more attention to that kind of stuff. Oh well, I don't really like the number 600. I'll make a big deal out of #650. Anyway, here's a conversation that I had tonight, at a company dinner, with the director of the sales department:

Me: Hey, Mike...what's the name of that chick you took to Stardust that time?

Mike: What?

Me: Remember, when they basically gave everyone in the whole damn company tickets to Stardust? You had a girl with you. I think she works in customer service. She's cute and, well, to put it another way, kinda..."thick"....(yeah, I used the finger quotes)

Mike: Oh, no...she's not in customer service...

Me: Really? You sure? Who is she, then?

Mike: That would be my girlfriend. And you're a dead man.

*laughter erupts around the table*

Me: Oh, shit...well, let me tell you, in my community, "thick" isn't a bad thing!

*more laughter*

Mike: Oh, really?

Will: Dude, she's really cute. She is a cute girl. Hell, I'm glad you got to her first! You beat me to the punch!

Mike: Uh-huh. You're a dead man.

Me: Man, I'm serious. I've been looking at her since that day, and all I could think was, "Man, she's cute. Why the Hell is she with Mike?"

Keith: Yeah, Will, you should probably shut up now.

And that, folks, why I'm considered such a "people person".

Posted by William @ 3/12/2008 12:55:00 AM
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"That girl is nuttier than a Porta-Potty at a peanut festival."

Yeah, I promised an answer to the whole "why did I expect to die last weekend?" cliffhanger, but I don't really feel like writing about that. Don't worry - like San Diego, I'll get to it, but that's not where my head is right now. After all, that was 2 weeks ago! Anyway, here is where my head is right now:

-It seems that every year, around this time, I write a post that's supposed to be introspective. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I name names, or come off as bitter, it comes back to bite me. Anyway, these posts are merely me having a breakthrough. Regardless, I have a feeling this is going to be misconstrued as one of those posts: "Make Up Sex"? Really? That exists? Well, let me just inform you that, when your fights are based around the lack of sex, there's no such thing as Make Up Sex. That's got to be the one fight that's not worth having. Or is it the only fight worth having? Think on that for a moment...

Now, on to the pop culture part of our game:

- I don't like Craig Bierko. You might not know him by name, but you'll know his face. I always rememeber him as the scumbag husband in Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. I just hate looking at him. It's something about his face. I feel the same way about Kyle McLachlan and Gwyneth Paltrow; just seeing them throws me into a violent rage! Why was I thinking about Bierko? Well, I was watching Unhitched, on Fox, about 4 friends recently thrown back into the single game. On the plus side, it's a "Fox show". I'm sure I've written about this before, but I love a good "Fox show". It's the kind of show that panders to the lowest common denominator, and it's usually characterized by the fact that it has no laugh-track. Fox was the network to really get onboard the single camera, no-studio-audience sitcom that's everywhere these days. On the con side, it's a "Fox show". As much as I love the style of Fox remembering its roots, very rarely is the quality any good. Instead, there's usually one really funny/controversial episode that gets enough attention for you to remember it years down the road as some kind of cult hit. Unhitched will be unhitched from Fox's schedule within the next 6 weeks. Count on it.

-I was really into "When You Look Me in the Eyes", by The Jonas Brothers, and I really couldn't figure out why. Then, it hit me: for all of you lovers of crapy pop, the next time the song comes on, try singing the lyrics to Lonestar's "I'm Already There". Go ahead, I'll wait...Hear what I mean? I hate to admit, but I was a Lonestar fan. They only had 2 hits that I cared about, but it was a pretty unmistakable melody. Plus, the whole "singing different lyrics over old melody" game can be fun. Next time you hear Celine Dion's "That's The Way It Is", let her rip with the lyrics from BSB's "I Want It That Way". You'll thank me in the morning!

-Janet, Janet, Janet...MTV, you know your "Artist of the Week" is too old for your demographic when she doesn't even know the name of your shows. Janet, it's Making the Band , NOT Making OF the Band. I would've let it go if you'd only said it once, but you say it about 7 times during one 30-second commercial. Read the cue cards, baby, read the cue cards...

-While on Making the Band, I'm loving Danity Kane's "Damaged". Last week, Diddy told 'em he was going to turn them into an international dance pop group, and this single is a good step in that direction. It's got an interesting message, too: "Yeah, I've got a lot of baggage, which caused my heart some damage, so how're you gonna fix it?" I love the idea that it's the other person's job to fix it. It's like, "hey, if you want me, this is what you're getting yourself into". I'm a big fan of a "buyer beware" warning...

- Speaking of MTV, I kinda like Domenico, in that I think he's a good guy. I think we all have that foreign-friend-with-questionable-social-skills. I know that everyone in Last Call is thinking of the same guy right now. That said, I'm really sick of the Viacom Dating Show Formula: the whole MTV/VH-1 deal where you get some washed up/pseudo celeb, put them in a mini mansion with roughly 30 members of the same/oppsite sex, and wittle down the list as you have them prove their love through foolish challenges and backstabbing.

I miss the old dating game formula, where you had a bunch of "normal people" (or as normal as you can find in southern California) use alcohol as an excuse for some hot tub centered, stress reduction sex. Seriously, I miss the old dating show archtypes: the weird, hippy new age chick; the wacky foreigner; the player; the busted, fake tits chick who's a "model". There were starving actors and actresses in LA who used to do nothing but make the dating show rounds. The timeline was shorter: you met, went to Bucca de Beppo or Medieval Times, and you got drunk; there was none of this 12-week nonsense. Plus, the stakes were lower back then: you just wanted sex. Who cared about another date? Nowadays, everyone's looking for The One. On national television. Out of a pool of candidates comprised of strippers, former beauty queens, and/or biker chicks. Looking for a soulmate in a group of soulless people. The frontrunner is only making a scene so that she can wow the network execs into giving her a spin-off when everything's said and done. And the cycle begins anew.

Back to Domenico, though. I liked the idea of him getting his own show, because I liked the dude. That said, I was over it when I watched the Preview Special, where all they did as show him in front of bluescreened stereotypical Italian scenes, like cafes and monuments.Ashley's back?! For real? Were he and Domenico even that close during A Shot At Love? Plus, I get that Ashley came off as dumb, but I'm sick of his hillbilly minstrel act. I mean, it's not as funny when the target isn't exactly in on the joke. Watching the show is like a white Flavor of Love 3, as Domenico's choices are just as busted as those that Flav's got available to him this season. Although, I kinda liked Hunter, the au naturale chick they kicked off last night, except for those bags under her eyes...

-I've loved Usher's "Make Love In This Club" since it leaked online two months back. That said, I don't really like that it's Usher. On the one hand, I guess I should applaud him for choosing a new style. I mean, Mariah hasn't had an original sound since Fantasy (seriously, Touch My Body is new? It sounds like every single she's put out over the past 10 yrs), so it's good when an artist decides to branch out. It's just that Usher's been in the game long enough that I expect more from him. As far as the sound, this song is a Sean Kingston song. Rather, if you want it done right, it's an Akon song. Just close your eyes and listen to it. That's Akon, circa Spring 2007. I get the feeling that Usher's grasping at straws, trying to regain his footing. After all, back in 2003, it was a heated battle between Usher and JT, as to who would be the Prince of R&B. Nobody was really taking Justin all that seriously yet, as he was still working on losing the 'Nsync stigma. In the meantime, Usher did the a-holest/ballsiest thing by releasing Confessions. Justin had a song about how he was better than his ex, but Usher wrote a whole album about it! I'm not sure if a lot of people realize how heated the battle was; if JT and Usher were in the same club, it always ended up in a dance-off. Over the years, Usher had to deal with the drama of dropping his mom as his manager, his wedding, the backlash of Confessions, while Justin's star simply rose. Now, you can't swing a dead cat in music without hitting JT or Timbaland, while "Make Love In This Club" is the musical equivalent of that old man in the club, with the earring and the gold chain, thinking no one can smell the "Old Man Stench" on him. Go home, old man!

-Can I just say that I'm blown away by the concept of College Road Trip? No, it's not the plot of the movie, but the mechanics behind the movie. First of all, did you ever, in a million years, think you'd see a Disney movie starring Martin Lawrence? Then, did you ever think you'd see a Disney movie starring Martin Lawrence and Donnie Osmond? Then, if you're still with me, did you ever think you would see a Disney movie, starring Martin Lawrence, Donnie Osmond, AND had a G Rating?! Seriously, this is a big deal. The G Rating, alone, is a kicker. Think of this: the way the MPAA works, simply by virtue of having live actors, you typically get a PG rating. If you ever have some free time on your hands, try to research the number of live action, G-rated movies. The majority of G-rated movies are animated features. Hell, in recent years, even the Disney animated blockbusters, like The Incredibles, have been rated PG. So, in order to have a live action, G-rated movie, Martin can't even say "Damn, Gina!". He might not even be able to say "heck". I might see this movie just to marvel at how they pull it off.

- There was an episode of Clean House on last night, and Niecy wasn't on it. Now, I'm used to that set-up, as she doesn't waste her time with the Clean House aftershow, Clean House Comes Clean, so I know that sometimes Brunetz, Trish, and Matt get together. What killed me, though, was the fact they they never acknowledged her absence. Sure, she might've been sick or on vacation. Hell, it might have been when she was recording her lines for Horton Hears A Who. I just get worried when I see that kind of stuff because it makes me think there might be a contract dispute going on. I mean, if you've ever watched anything on TLC or Style, you know that they have no problem recasting a show's host, with nary an announcement or second thought. Where's Thom's sidekick on Dress My Nest? Where's the original guy from What Not To Wear? Plus, there's the notorious example of Blair from Queer Eye, being replaced by Jay between the pilot and the regular episodes. That said, Clean House has no flair without Niecy. If they ever try to oust her, a la Paige from Trading Spaces, she only needs to show them last night's episode to prove how valuable she is to the show.

Anyway, I might be on a daily schedule this week. I've got a lot to say, and this was only the tip of the iceberg...

Posted by William @ 3/03/2008 05:14:00 PM
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