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Seriously, I don’t really understand what has become of humanity. In a world where there are natural disasters, Wall Street corruption, and Sarah Palin to worry about, why are people directing their anger at this child? Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, then you’re already familiar with Justin Bieber. He’s the pop star du jour, adored by teenage girls from coast to coast. Like many North American heartthrobs, he’s a cute blond kid, with a slightly prepubescent voice. For some reason, though, he has become quite the hate magnet. People love to hate this kid! Why? I think it says a lot about our society when people just full on hate someone/thing, even though they really have nothing at stake in the matter.

When we were in middle school, it was the “masculine” thing to hate on a pop star. “Eww, the New Kids are gay!” Yes, this was an ignorant and homophobic time, but you grew up, learned the error of your ways, and laughed whenever you saw that same band on I Love the 90s. Today, however, it’s an older crowd getting in on all the ridicule. I don’t feel that Bieber is so pervasive that he interrupts the flow of your daily life. I haven’t heard him on the radio in months. Sure, I see his face on magazines in the store, but I also see Angelina Jolie equally as much. Why doesn’t someone tell her to stop adopting babies, so Mila Kunis can have a shot at a magazine cover?

Can someone over the age of 21 honestly tell me what their beef is with Justin Bieber? Seriously, don’t you have better shit to do with your life? Don’t you have a job and bills to pay? He’s a kid. Sure, he’s beloved by millions, and he’s worth more than you, but he’s a kid. Yes, his voice is shrill, but it’s changing. For all of his perceived “faults”, you still can’t justify your irrational hatred of him. Plainly put, you’re a hater. Just own up to it, rather than waste the time to unravel the mystery of his celebrity. Teen Heartthrobs aren’t supposed to make sense. They aren’t. There are few requirements: cute, no aversion to attending Teen Choice Awards, and did I mention “cute”? That’s it. If you’re an adult, you’re already out of your wheelhouse, as he’s not for you. Teen Heartthrobs prey on the irrational hormones of teenage girls. If you’re a grown man or woman, weighing in on how you feel about something made for children, you might as well go off and “spread democracy” in some 3rd world country, since you know everything.

How old are you? 30, you say? How about I call your parents, and ask them about those phone bills when you kept calling the Coreys on that hotline? You forgot about that dumb shit, didn’t you? But we let you off the hook, ’cause you were young. At least “Beliebers” have the internet, so their shit is free. You kept Ma & Pa Bell in business with your shenanigans! Sure, grown ups probably thought there was something wrong with you, but they remembered what it was like to fawn over Frankie Avalon or whatever. They had bigger shit to worry about, like The Cold War and New Coke, than to weigh in on how much of a waste of space Corey Feldman may have been.

Sure, you see Bieber’s name a LOT. You also see his picture a LOT. As far as music goes, you kinda have to work to hear a Justin Bieber song. They’re not played in every gas station or Dennys. If you hear a Bieber song, you’re either in Claires or you’re listening to pop radio. If you’re so anti-Bieber, you had no business doing either of those things.

Anti-Bieber Fever seems to have even spread to corporate levels, as demonstrated by Twitter’s recent changes to their Trending Topic algorithm. Say what you will, at the end of the day, it was an anti-Bieber initiative. People had complained that they were tired of seeing him trending all the time. If that’s what people were tweeting about MOST, why shouldn’t it trend? I’m tired of hearing about the various wars we’re fighting, but I can’t complain to NBC and ask them to shift shit around so we only get news about anything other than the wars. Sure, Twitter gave some PR response about how and why the change took place, but now we’re left with runner-up Trending Topics, which are usually about some obscure Korean boyband and their new song “Jelly Rainbow Overdrive (Love Stars)” or something.

Nobody hates Hanna Montana this much, and the same people would say that she “sucks”. Is Disney protecting her? Just from a purely business standpoint, this is a kid who built his way up from YouTube, sparking a bidding war between Usher and Justin Timberlake. It’s a technological Horatio Alger story! Those are two guys who know something about the music business, so they must see something in him. Had he been some kind of money grab promoted by Joe Francis, I’d probably be on the side of the haters. That’s just not a union that I would be able to get behind – like if Chris Brown opened a Pilates studio.

Is it his look that bothers you? It’s not all that uncommon these days, but I still encounter people who can’t stand his look. Well, he looks just like that lesbian barista at that fair trade coffee place you pretend to like. So, maybe you should stop boycotting Target and take some time to deal with your issues.

Something odd has happened with this generation, where passion has paved the way to elitism. In music criticism, as well as that of comics and movies, no one is willing to agree to disagree anymore. You can’t have an intelligent exchange with anyone who disagrees with you – it quickly descends into who can say “that sucks! You have no taste” first. This is bad enough with the layperson – spurred along by gamer culture and the prevalence of high-speed internet. It gets FAR worse with the opinionated, self-proclaimed “expert”, spouting, “I am right and you are wrong. And dumb. And shouldn’t be allowed to breed.” I’ve seen this shit happen! Life’s too short, and there’s too much to really worry about, than to devote the amount of time and hatred that many do toward Justin Bieber and the like. A lot of this is coming from the “cultural elite”, but why is their shit protected while everyone else is fair game? How’d you like it if I started raging on how fat Hurley was on Lost? Motherfucker was on that island for how long, and never lost a pound. “But he was hoarding food…” FUCK YOU! I’m shitting in your sandbox now, and you don’t like it, do you?

So, before everyone starts running their mouths about who does and doesn’t have talent, as well as what is and isn’t culturally worthwhile, why don’t you take a minute to process all the bullshit that you’ve been involved with that didn’t hold much water? Leave Justin alone. He’s not for you. That’s fine. Just be classy about it. You’re an adult, so act like one.

P.S. Stop getting high and watching Spongebob. That shit’s played out.

When last we met, I covered Solid Harmonie and their place in the long line of forgotten groups from Trans Continental Records. For every ‘NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and Jordan Knight, there was C-Note, The Lyte Funky Ones (LFO), and Natural. Well, this week, I want to talk about that last group, Natural.

When it came to bubblegum pop, one of the biggest gripes from the “music snob community” was that the artists didn’t play their own instruments. As far as boybands went, Lou Pearlman had already delivered the harmony group (BSB), the dance group (‘NSYNC), and he decided to finally give the critics what they felt had been lacking: a boyband where the members played their own instruments. Since their acoustic foundation would give them a more “natural” sound, that became their group name.

Natural came about after Lou’s boyband empire had peaked, post-BSB/’NSYNC lawsuits, and right around the time of O-Town. There are conflicting reports as to how the group actually got together, but the main point is that Lou did what he did with most of his boybands: he sent them off to Germany for grooming. When you get down to their look, they were just like every other boyband: there was the blond, sensitive one; the edgy one, with the spiky hair; the one who’s your mom’s favorite, etc. The gimmick, of course, was that they were a band made of boys, but not a boyband. To break it down, they acted as if the music came first, while avoiding some of the common tropes of that era’s boyband, such as smooth dance moves. In execution, the music came off as “BBMak, by way of California Dreams“.  It’s very reminiscent of Guys Next Door (am I the only one who remembers that old NBC show?).There’s definitely a camp factor, as the songs are cheesier than Velveeta, but they’re damn catchy! It was a different sound, as this period was still dominated by the sound of Max Martin, and the rest of the guys are Cheiron Studios. While there were cutsey pop acts of the time who depended on a more acoustic sound (The Moffats, the afore-mentioned BBMak), most of those groups failed to really make a dent in the landscape. Trying something different may have been the wrong call for Natural.

Keep It Natural, like so many other lost Trans Con albums, was released in Germany. Here’s the video for their first single, “Put Your Arms Around Me”. Hey, remember the days when every TV show/movie ripped off The Matrix, even in cases where it didn’t fit? Wait for it…

Bet they’re wishing they hadn’t taken the red pill…

In the US, the single was released as a promo in Claires stores, yet wasn’t universally released until the exclusivity window closed, resulting in Natural not getting much airplay outside of Orlando.

Musically, Natural weren’t “bad”, per se – especially in the pop climate of the time. It just seemed that they were being molded, visually, into something that they were not. The next single, “Will It Ever”, wouldn’t have been out of place on Backstreet Boys’ Millennium album. You’ll notice, however, the addition of another forced dance break. The cut scenes and wacky angles are meant to mask the fact they they are not ‘NSYNC 2: Electric Boogaloo.

This video is a crane shotstravaganza! With a hint of Liquid Dreams…

One of the final singles from their debut was “Let Me Count The Ways”, which ended up as their highest charting German single (#11). Again, this is a pretty catchy song, but it’s not the kind of thing being delivered by their labelmates in the States. I will admit, though, that this video may have hurt them. I know Europe is a bit more liberal with things, but what is she, like, 14? These boys are so lucky they were out in a pre-Chris Hansen world…

We were just gonna watch some movies and hang out. Well, yeah, I brought beer…

Natural went on to release another album, It’s Only Natural, before parting ways with Lou. That’s when things really got ugly. Lou tried to keep the “Natural” name, as he was going to replace the guys who had broken his boyband rules (no facial hair, no girlfriends, etc). Meanwhile, the guys tried to rebrand themselves as more of a rock group, but nothing came from it. Neither album was released in the US, and Natural’s only real impact on North America was that their 2 lead singers provided the singing voices for Bart & Millhouse in the boyband episode of The Simpsons.

At the end of the day, Keep It Natural is a really enjoyable pop album. It’s not representative of the “2000 Boyband Sound”, and that may have been a blessing and a curse. It set Natural apart from the countless other boybands, but it simply wasn’t what the audience wanted at the time. I always feel I have to reiterate that the reason I do this column isn’t as a “This Is A Thing That Exists” piece, but rather it’s an attempt to show value in something that may have originally been overlooked. This music isn’t going to change the world, and it’s not groundbreaking. At the same time, it also doesn’t require you to follow a tweets for hidden meaning, nor does it force you to wonder if the guys eat truffle fries. It’s good old fashioned “Hey, ‘phone’ rhymes with ‘alone’” pop. It’s catchy and it’s fun – definitely earworm material. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, and pop is just pop. I, for one, don’t see anything wrong with that.

Not really a fan of the Sam L. Jackson Nick Fury anymore, Don’t get me wrong – when he first appeared, I thought it was an awesome idea (especially in light of the fact that he’s the result of Marvel pussying out on a decision to make Ultimate Captain America a black man). That said, I liked “Sam Fury” a lot more before there was a glimmer of a chance that there’d ever be an Avengers movie.

When Marvel Studios started making their movies, sure there was a chance that they’d cast Sam Jackson, but there are several cases of actors’ likenesses being used in comics, yet they’re not cast for the actual movie (Wanted, anyone?). We didn’t know Sam Jackson would actually get the role, but using him as the basis for the comic reinterpretation gave the character the level of “badass” that it needed.

In his defense, White Fury could be pretty badass when he wanted to be…

Now, the whole Jackson-as-Fury thing  just seems to have run its course, especially since Ultimate Nick Fury hasn’t really been a badass in about 4 years. He’s been in hiding, for events that he caused yet won’t own up to. For a while, he was even hiding out in another universe. Does that sound like Sam Jackson to YOU? No, Sam Jackson ain’t no little scaredy bitch!

Anyway, as the movies keep rolling, and the trailers keep coming, I find myself much more intrigued by the character of Agent Coulson. I think a big part of that is because I get a kick out of seeing “That Guy From The New Adventures of Old Christine” on the big screen. Plus, he backs Baby into a corner on a regular basis (he’s married to Jennifer Grey)! Anyway, it’s almost like he stumbled into his big acting break (not really – he’s been around for years, but this might solidify his place in geek legend).

Yeah, I’d be cheesin’ like that if I just slept with Elaine/Christine…

In any case, I like the movies’ depiction of S.H.I.E.L.D. because it would be some organization shrouded in the secrecy of Homeland Security. It wouldn’t be staffed by any farmboy with dedication and a dream, wearing a bodysuit, hanging out on a helicarrier. The comic depiction of S.H.I.E.L.D. is no longer relevant, as it seems like you can enlist in S.H.I.E.L.D. just like any of the other armed services, They sure as Hell ain’t highly trained, and they have the mortality rate of red shirts on the Enterprise.

Helicarrier #547, ten minutes before everyone aboard was killed by Ultron

Sure, the Marvel movies could have used Clay Quartermain, but they knew that his characteriation wouldn’t have fit the universe they were building. So, we get Agent Coulson, and that makes me very pleased. We know nothing can really touch Fury, because he’s lives forever blah blah, but anything could happen with Coulson. Hell, they could introduce him in the comic world, and make him the new Winter Soldier for all we know. Sure, comics are great at ruining ideas and characters with potential, but I don’t think he was introduced for nothing. He’s an original character, who’s being given quite a push by the guys upstairs. I look forward to seeing what’s next.

Avengers. My, my, my Avengers. It’s amazing that I held on for so long, through so much, and now that we have the big relaunches, and the band is back together, I just don’t care anymore. I love Tony Stark, and I like when he’s part of the team, but the whole Avengers Trinity means little to me. I don’t like Thor, and I don’t consider Cap to be “Jesus wrapped in a flag”, no matter how much they try to convince me that he is. I will say that I don’t consider a team to be “The Avengers” unless they have at least one of those 3 members on the roster. It doesn’t mean that I’d read the book, but I feel like that should be a charter requirement. That’s why I don’t feel that Luke Cage’s “New Avengers” deserve their name. Sure, they eventually got “Bucky Cap” on their side, but he’s a substitute Cap, like USAgent. If they had gotten War Machine, he still wouldn’t have been Iron Man. It’s not about the symbolism of the name/costume – what matters MOST is who is inside that suit (I have similar feelings about the DC Universe, but that’s for another time).

Stop playing dress-up, Dick. Don’t you have a hot alien to bang?

Luke’s team could’ve been the “Revengers”, “The Getbackers”, whatever, but nothing about them screamed “Avengers”. He kept the name because Cap had bestowed it upon them during a one-sided war, in which his side lost. Luke kept it out of symbolism, but it was clear to the world, and anyone who mattered, that Luke Cage’s team wasn’t The Avengers. There was no way in Hell they were gonna save you from the Skrulls. THAT’s what Avengers do. What did Luke’s team do? Well, his baby got replaced by an alien, and the book turned into Adventures in Babysitting, while he ended up having a heart attack. It was all like that bad season finale of Punky Brewster where she ended up back in the orphanage. Not Very Avengery.

Yeah, that’s the problem…

Now that the dust has settled, and Steveus Christ is back in action, there’s still no reason for Luke’s team. He clearly doesn’t play well with others, and his argument for not joining the “real” Avengers was that he didn’t want to be told what to do. Weren’t you in jail at one time, Luke? Aren’t you tired of rebelling against The Man? Shit could be worse! You’ve got your hot white wife and your halfy baby. Do you WANT to go back to jail, Luke? Would that be better for you?

You’re living The Dream, dude – Don’t mess this up!

Anyway, what do the “real” Avengers do? They sell him the mansion and let him run his own team. Bull and Shit. I can’t believe they’d let him have his own Avengers, in the same damn city, which allows him to do whatever he wants. That’s not how the Marvel Universe works. You want to be on your own, you move to California. Start up the Avengers West Coast again. There’s no damn way you’re gonna operate in New York City without oversight. Hell, the X-Men have been doing the multiple team thing for over 20 years and they STILL haven’t figured it out. And they’re dispatched by the same guy, from the same mansion/Alcatraz base. So how do the Avengers expect to pull it off? I feel like New Avengers, at this point, is just a money grab. Luke will eventually figure out Cap’s been babysitting him, making sure he doesn’t get in trouble. He’ll get all offended and finally walk, which will be just in time for the Super Infinity War which will bring both Avengers teams together, resulting in one canceled book, an overstaffed Avengers, and some new team spun out of it. Don’t know if I care to stick around for the ride any longer. I think I might be done.

I started this on twitter today, but it has given me enough thoughts to want to continue it on here. Basically, I was saying that I tend to forget that Professor Xavier is on the X-Men’s compound, Utopia. In the past, he was front and center, but since Cyclops has taken on the role as “Steward of the Mutant Race”, Xavier is just the backseat driver that everyone ignores. The only time we even see him is when there’s a War Council (there have been a LOT of those recently), and Cyclops gives him a dressing down in front of everyone, just so everyone knows who’s the Big Dawg. If you’re not familiar with X-Men,
though, I guess I should rewind a bit.

X-Men is the story of mutants fighting to gain equal rights and acceptance in a bigoted world. Charles Xavier opened a school for mutants, and created the X-Men in order fight for The Dream: a world in which humans and mutants could coexist. However, nothing he has ever done has really been towards achieving that goal. Sure, his aims sound nice on a business card, or on an elevator ride with the company president, but after issue #1 of the book, the X-Men have never done anything to put humankind at ease. Now, coexistence is one of those concepts where people are going to have to reach out of their comfort zones, but I don’t think Xavier stuck to the mission statement.

Xavier was written as this Martin Luther King character, while his old friend/new enemy Magneto is set up as the Malcolm X. Xavier feels that we can all coexist and be happy, while Magneto thinks that humans are obsolete, and mutants should take their rightful place as the inheritors of the Earth. This battle is waged back and forth for the better part of about 30 years, with no one side really winning anything, while humans just start to hate mutants more and more. In fact, Xavier would die/disappear every few years, and it’s at those periods that the team was MOST effective. So, maybe Xavier was the problem.

One thing that was always interesting to me, though, is that the MLK-Xavier comparison is erroneous. You see, Martin Luther King Jr was a black figurehead who fought for equal rights for black people. Up until recent years, The World never knew that Xavier was actually a mutant. Sure, you could surmise that he was, based on his passion and the fact that he had opened a school for mutants. It’s the whole “If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…” But he never outed himself, and I’m not quite sure why. it couldn’t have been for the protection of his students, ’cause people knew the school was full of mutants, and the place got blown up once a year. This stance set him up as a “crusader by proxy”, almost like a Jane Goodall of mutants. If I were on one of the X-teams, I think I’d probably resent him for that.

Anyway, around the turn of this century, something odd happened. It’s like Xavier was too squeaky clean. He was dedicated enough, but there had to be some explanation for how ineffective his approach had been. Forget the fact that comics are soap operas, where nothing finite can occur ’cause then the story would be over. No, it was decided that Xavier was actually an asshole the entire time. Sure, he’d done evil things before, but those were always written off as “he was possessed, so it wasn’t his fault” (look up “Onslaught” some time). This time, though, he was actually in control of his faculties, and it was revealed that he had a long trail of wrongs that he had hidden from his students. He had been manipulating people without their consent, he had sent a whole team of neophyte X-Men to their deaths, and forced an alien machine into slavery – defending everything with an “it was for your own good”. So, when it turned out that he always knew that his favorite pupil Cyclops had a 2nd brother (something that Cyclops didn’t even know), AND that he had sent the brother to his “death”, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. They kicked Xavier out of his own home, and Cyclops became the de facto face of mutantkind. To say they turned their backs on Xavier is an understatement. There’s a later storyline where he gets shot in the head, and they don’t even worry when his body disappears.

Xavier didn’t actually die from the bullet, and he goes on a soul-searching quest to figure out where he went wrong. After a year, he shows up on the X-Men’s doorstep, and they’re basically like, “So, looks like that bullet didn’t kill you after all. Pity.” In Xavier’s absence, Cyclops had moved all willing mutants to a base floating off the coast of San Francisco, due to the fact that mutants were now facing exctinction and Cyclops felt this would make it easier to protect those who remained. Humans, of course, saw this as another Mutie Threat. This makes the X-Men sitting ducks, as they fend off one attack after the other. The entire time, their founder, the man who trained them, is at their disposal, but the minute he opens his mouth, Cyclops is all like “You had your chance!” Xavier usually shrinks away with a “I was just trying to help, Scott”, but I really don’t get why he sticks around. It can’t be as a show of support, as nobody really seems to want him there. I guess it’s that he has no place to go, but he’s Old Money, so he could go join the Avengers and be their mutant advisor or some shit. He ain’t doing it for a paycheck. Plus, the last time I checked, the X-Men didn’t have jobs – they’re like a Real World cast, freeloading off someone else as they trash all the IKEA furniture and fuck in the shower. Not sure why Xavier doesn’t just cut them off financially, and say “The bank is CLOSED!”

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This would be a really good time for Xavier to go off and find himself, but he basically JUST did that. I don’t know if editorial thought that through, or what. Based on the fact that I’ve been reading this series for the past 17 years (oh, God…hasn’t it really been that long?), I know how this shit goes. If Marvel steals any of this, remember that you read it here first: Xavier’s at a pretty low point, as far as self esteem goes. This is usually when he’s most succeptible to psychic/demonic possession. So, the Shadow King will come along and possess him for the 843rd time. He’ll kidnap Hope, the young mutant who’s currently being touted as the new Mutant Messiah, since she’s the first mutant born in the past 5 years (although in comic time, it’s probably only been about 2 weeks). Five new mutants were discovered after Hope’s powers triggered for the first time. Xavier’s not much of a fighter, seeing as how he has spent 75% of his existence in a wheelchair (don’t worry, he can walk now – LONG story). Anyway, he builds teams of youngsters to do his bidding in order to make up for his own poor fighting skills. So, I say Shadow Xavier kidnaps Hope, and uses his powers to contact these new mutants and coerce them into joining him. Then, he’ll go all David Koresh and establish a Messianic stronghold on the site of his former mansion in Westchester (he does, technically, still own the property). The X-Men will go in search of Hope, and realize that Xavier took her. They won’t know about the possession angle, as they’ll just figure it as another example of “Charlie being an asshole”. It’ll be team versus team, Magneto will do something dickish to further his own goals, and the X-Men will eventually end up taking on the Shadow King. They’ll even tease us with the whole “Is Hope Actually Our Reincarnated Dead Friend” gimmick a bit more. When the dust settles, we’ll end up with X-Generation Force or whatever the Hell they decide to call the team comprised of the 5 new mutants, Nightcrawler’s ghost and Wolverine. Xavier will have sacrificed himself, but it will be in a blaze of glory. He’ll finally have his redemption. Plus, the X-Men will be all like, “Well, since we came all this way, we might as well rebuild the mansion for the 437th time”, which will end their San Francisco sojourn.

I know that comics need to have new ideas every now and then, but I’ve never been a fan of Asshole Xavier. It was already established that he was a deadbeat dad, and he basically had to kill his own son (don’t worry, he’s alive again). I mean, that’s one fucked up episode of Maury right there, so it’s not like they needed to heap anything else on him. I’d like to see him back in his rightful place, especially since it seems like Cyclops is going to crack pretty soon. I think Xavier has realized, from all of this, that The Dream isn’t as important as Survival. Cyclops did what was necessary to protect what was left of the mutant race. After all, you would need them in order to further any coexistence called for by The Dream. I think Xavier’s approach was flawed, and he might be coming around to figuring out a way that *works*. Xavier knows that he would’ve taken the pacifist route, and they’d all probably be dead. So, maybe this is the road to him becoming a badass. His way wasn’t working, but I don’t think they needed to villify him in order to prove that. Just let him retire. I just hope they figure out something soon, ’cause I’m tired of him being a doormat. I’d rather they kill him.

In this installment, I bring you the self-titled debut (and only) album from Solid HarmoniE. Aww, look how cute it is that they misspell it as “HarmoniE” – that’s so the capital letters spell out “SHE”. Yup, this group’s all about women’s empowerment, or as empowering as you can be while doing flips in a sports bra and track pants. Before we get to that, let’s rewind a bit. You see, Lou Pearlman’s Transcontinental Records wasn’t ALL boybands. Lou wanted to conquer all corners of pop, and he had an assembly line in place to do just that. Former NKOTB manager Johnny Wright handled the boybands, while his wife, Donna, handled the female groups. Of those female groups, only two were notable: Innosense, due to the fact that Britney Spears was briefly a member prior to going solo, and Solid HarmoniE.

Solid HarmoniE was a four-woman pop group, with most of its members hailing from the UK. They followed the Lou Pearlman Model, which meant going over to Germany to gain an audience before being unleashed upon other countries (he had previously done this with Backstreet Boys,*NSYNC, and would later do it with Natural) . This album comes from that stint in Germany. Despite being teased on a Jive Records VHS sampler from ’98, the album never got its US release.

As far as sound goes, Solid HarmoniE is pretty representative of the bubblegum era, yet it brings something new to the table, as there wasn’t a defined “FEMALE bubblegum sound” at the time. So, this allowed them a lot of wiggle room, as far as genre was concerned. At its core, Solid HarmoniE is a fusion of Wilson Philips harmonies, combined with that last drop of Girl Power the group managed to suckle from the spent teats of the Spice Girls. It also doesn’t hurt that they worked with the producer who helped define the 90s bubblegum sound, Max Martin. As a result, this album is chock FULL of hits, all of which you’ve heard before, but with different lyrics. I was going to post the video for their first single, “I’ll Be There For You”, as it’s built over the chord progression of one of my favorite pop songs of all time, “Tearin’ Up My Heart”. Unfortunately, the video’s a piece of shit, even by 90′s standards, filled with the aforementioned track pants and…is that a crystal ball? So, here’s one of their better songs, “I Want You To Want Me”:

My favorite was the one who looked like she probably worked the front desk at the nail place. Yeah, the thick one.

The Wilson Philips influence comes through on “I Wanna Love You”:

Hey, Look! Production Values!

After failing to break out internationally, the group broke up around ’99, with its members scattered across other soon-to-fail girl groups. Seriously, the bubblegum era was not a good time for girl groups; that fan base LOVED seeing 5 cute guys dancing, but they didn’t give a shit about the girlband equivalent (see: SheMoves, Wild Orchid, Innosense; exception: B*Witched). If you wanna learn more about SHE, well,good luck -there are only about 2 websites dedicated to them on the entire internet. I mean, I had to knife a hobo and solve a riddle before I could track this thing down. As a collector of all things 90′s-Era Max Martin, I have to say that it was totally worth it. At the end of the day, I still don’t understand what caused the Powers That Be to pull the plug on the US release. I mean, in a world that tolerates the Pussycat Dolls, there’s sure as Hell a place for Solid HarmoniE.

Oh, what the Hell…

We’ve got a variety of fun & flirty women, just waiting to talk to you. Call now!

So, if you follow me on twitter, you tend to get real-time updates on my job search progress. A few weird things have occurred during this whole ordeal. For one job, I was rejected before I even completed the application. I had saved it on the website, and hadn’t gotten around to submitting it with a cover letter. I guess they put a time limit on those things, and just flushed the system, leaving me with a rejection e-mail. For another job, however, I was rejected TWICE. I’m not sure if it was oversight, or the result of a changing of the guard at the organization, but I just wasn’t going to let go without being acknowledged. Here’s what transpired (names have been changed to protect my ass in this litigious society in which we live!):

Dear William West,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your qualifications for the Project Coordinator position at FUNCO, LLC.

We were fortunate to have several qualified candidates apply for the Project Coordinator position. After careful consideration we have determined the qualifications of another candidate are a closer fit to the needs of the position.

We would like to keep your résumé on file for future reference. We wish you every success with your career plans. Thank you for your time and your interest in our company.
Sincerely,

Jane Smith

Recruiter

FUNCO, LLC

Yeah, I figured it was only right that I write back and thank her for considering me. Or at least, one might construe my response as such. You decide:

Hello Ms. Smith,
Thank you for getting back to me. I actually received a rejection
letter a few weeks back from your organization, regarding this same
position, from a Rick Davis. To be rejected twice, I guess you
*really* don’t want me! In any case, thank you for your time,

Sincerely,
William West

That is something that happened. I figured I’d blog it as a preemptive strike, before it turns up on Monster or Careerbuilder as an example of how NOT to act when applying for jobs. Yeah, I did it. I’ll own it. I doubt I’ll end up blacklisted for it, and the world will keep on spinning. I guess my only justification is “rejection hurts”. It’s hard being out there, wearing your heart and credentials on your sleeve, only to be told time and again that you’re not good enough. Was my response in poor taste? Sure, but I had just hit my limit. Hopefully, she read it in the tongue-in-cheek tone in which it was meant, but it seems that people don’t realize jokes in electronic correspondence these days unless you end with “jk” or “lol”. So, if you’re reading this “Ms. Smith”, jk!

So, it may come as a surprise that I’m no fan of the convenience of technology. Sure, I love my twitter and my facebook, but I don’t use technology for anything practical. Paying bills? Hand me my checkbook. Yeah, I blog, but I’d rather write a letter and send it to all of you if I could. I’m an old soul. That’s just how I roll. One convenience I’m just now giving in to is Pandora. I’m the guy who’d lug his CDs from place to place, but that got cumbersome once I passed CD #500. Sure, there’s the radio, but there are only so many times one can listen to “California Gurls” before they want to kill Katy Perry for melting all the popsicles. So, with that in mind, and a laptop at my disposal, I ventured into the world of Pandora.

First impression? I am SO proud of my Shiny Toy Guns station and it’s not like I really had anything to do with it. I mean, I chose a band, and Skynet did the rest. That said, it really does evoke a mood. If I could rename it, it would be my “Trying to Seduce That Hot Artsy Barista” station. Remember Shannyn Sossamon in 40 Days and 40 Nights?

Yeah, this shit’s for her. Sneaker Pimps, Massive Attack, Zero 7, Imogen Heap. Seriously, this is everything that quirky chick would love to hear. They even threw in some Simon & Garfunkel, to remind her of the good times she had with her dad growing up – ya know, before he hit the point where he “just doesn’t understand anymore!”

Sure, she’s not gonna end up being The One, but you’ll have a really torrid and emotional relationship that’ll define your mid 20s and maybe fuck you up for the rest of your life. Breathe it all in, my friend – once that chick moves away to art school/leaves you for her psych professor, you’re never gonna want to hear Sia again. That’s when this becomes the “That Fucking Bitch (Please Come Back – I’ll Change!) Station”. Or so I’ve been told. Stop looking at me like that!

To Be Continued…

So, I’ve written about this before, but it bears saying again: I’m pretty much obsessed with twitter. I’m so obsessed that I feel I waste most of my creative juices over there instead of here. I’ve got Ubertwitter on the old Blackberry Tour (neither of them are paying me for that plug, but they oughta be!), and I find myself checking the thing every 5 minutes or so. What’s great about Ubertwitter is a feature called “Everyone Near You”, which uses your phone’s GPS to find all unprotected tweets in your vicinity. This little feature has led to HOURS of entertainment. It’s like slowly driving down a street where everyone has left their door open. Yeah, that might sound creepy to some, but I’ve always been nosy, and if they wanted their stuff to be private, they’d protect their tweets! Anyway, this feature has revealed a lot of new interesting people worth following, but it has also served to bring to light certain traits and patterns I’ve noticed. Whenever I’m in a new area, I fire up the old “Everyone Near You” to get a lay of the land; it’s an anthropological study akin to visiting shopping malls to see the latest youth trends. I thought I’d share some of  these observations, so that you can use this info to figure out how you might appear to others on twitter.

Avatars are KEY. You can learn a LOT about a tweeter based on the image that they post to represent themselves. Your parents and elementary school teachers like to tell you not to judge a book by its cover, but they’re dumb liars. If that little adage were true, there’d be no comic book industry! In any case, I’ve been temping in DC lately, and midday tweeters have been a GOLDMINE for entertainment. Here are a few things that stand out in the DC area:

-If she’s a young, attractive blond girl (the blond is KEY) wearing pearls, she’s tweeting about GOP issues. I guess it’s the influx of interns, but every Southern Chi Omega girl seems to be tweeting the virtues of the Republican party, or trying to defend the Tea Partiers.  Well, they’ve got their looks…

-If she’s a young, attractive girl, sans pearls, she works in sales/marketing or public relations. Most of her timeline consists of her @replying to some company, asking “How do I reach corporate relations?” She’s trying to establish what’s known as a “business relationship” – kinda like when you leave your business card in that fishbowl at Applebee’s. Hope she meets them quotas!

-If she’s in her mid 30s, and still attractive but not quite MILF material, she’s tweeting for an association. Sure, she tries to trick you by mixing in tweets about her dog or the cupcake she’s about to scarf, but the majority of her tweets are about some upcoming conference. They’re full of hashtags like #ANCC10 or #SWAYDC. My favorite part of these tweeters is that they usually have the following message in their twitter bios: “Views expressed are mine and not those of my employer”. I guess that’s a mandatory requirement of the social networking policy of many employers, but the recent CNN incident with Octavia Nasr pretty much goes to show that little blurb won’t save your job. Also, the placement of that disclaimer is moot due to the fact that most of these tweeters shy away from anything interesting. At most, they might upset the Froyo Lobby by saying Tangysweet is better than Greenberry.

A distant relative of the Association Tweeter is the Informed Retweeter. These are usually middle aged men, who either work for an association, or they’ve published some study that no one outside their field has ever read. It’s funny – association women seem to be on conference hype patrol, while the men spend most of the day retweeting shit from NPR. We’ve clearly come so far in our gender roles. If I’m already following NPR, why do I need to follow YOU? Step up your game, George! Anyway, most of their timelines are comprised of retweets from respected news and literary sources, without any real commentary. It’s the equivalent of that guy who subscribes to the New Yorker, just so it’s on the coffee table if company drops by.

It’s also fun to stumble upon celebrities. Since this is the DC/Metro area, most of our “celebrities” tend to be of the political variety. Still, it’s kinda funny to see a John McCain tweet or some local newscaster come up in your feed. The interesting thing, however, is linked to how Ubertwitter was designed. You see, the location of tweets are based on the point of origin. Since there are a lot of organizations in DC, with LA/celebrity supporters, you’ll sometimes get those tweets, since they’re retweeting something that originated from one of those DC orgs. For example, the other day, I found myself muttering, “When the Hell did Brooke Hogan move to DC? I wonder if Hulk came with her!” Sadly, I realized that tweet only came up because she had retweeted something from the National Wildlife Federation.

The stuff I see isn’t isolated to just the DC area. Of course, you’ve still got all of your usual suspects. For example, you’ve got the Justin Bieber fanatics. Keep in mind, school’s out and these girls don’t have anything better to do. They all have names like “JennyBieber” or “KristyBelieber”, and their avatars are that pic of him – you know, the one where he’s wearing that hat.

Another usual suspect is the Foursquare Tweeter, whose timeline is comprised mainly of foursquare check-ins. I don’t know why anyone follows these people. Seriously, I could give a fuck that you just went to Washington Sports Club. Check in somewhere interesting. If I saw “@scratchnsniff just unlocked the antibiotic badge at Dr. Kelly’s”, THAT would be some informative and entertaining shit. Otherwise, I think Foursquare is only interesting to people who want to be murdered in horrible ways – and their stalkers. Foursquare would be better if you were required to check in from unique places, like “@JohnnyDC just unlocked the “Employees Only Badge” in the Frederick Walmart Stockroom”. Any motherfucker can walk into a CVS, so why do you expect me to be impressed by you tweeting it?

You also have the people who may be using twitter for more than entertainment. It’s almost like they use it for affirmation. I know I tend to value my worth some days based on retweets. Hell, I think of twitter as a virtual stand-up act, but that’s about it. I don’t really feel like I have a captive audience. On the other hand, you’ve got the people who say “Good morning” to their followers, and then sign off when they’re about to go to sleep. Really? That’s like people who talk to their plants. I’ve got some good e-pals on this thing, but I think it’s understood that I’m online when I can be, and I’m not when I can’t. I don’t need to signal it with a greeting. The people who open and close the day on twitter, to me, are like that public speaker who says “Good morning”, and then repeats it when the response “good morning” from the crowd is lackluster. We know you’re there ’cause you’re tweeting; it’s unnecessary to announce your arrival/departure. I know somebody reading this right now is one of those people, so tell me – do people “good morning” tweet you back? I’m curious.

Something to keep in mind is “what does my twitter screenname say about me?” When I worked in college admissions, we’d always laugh at the email addresses of the applicants. You’re applying to an Ivy League institution, and you put DragonLord666@hotmail.com on your application? Your parents didn’t proofread this for you, did they? The same could be said about twitter. If your screenname is @HusseinDaAssasin, I think it’s safe to say that you’re on a list somewhere. You may not know it, but you are.

So, these have been my experiences with twitter. What have been some of yours?

This week marked the release of Scarlet #1, the new creator-owned Marvel/Icon comic from Brian Michael Bendis and Alex Maleev. While the duo were well-known for their successful run on Daredevil, I went into this book with mixed feelings. Why was that? Well, I guess you could say that it’s an example of “In Real Life Made Me Hate You”. Let’s take a step back in time, shall we?

Brian Michael Bendis was the first comic writer whose work I purchased solely because of the writer. In the past, I bought X-Men because everybody bought X-Men. I bought Batman because, well, he was Batman. Bendis, however, made me stray outside of that. I never really cared much for Avengers, since they were D-listers at the time, but Bendis got on the book, and I followed suit. While his overarching stories may not be consistent, he’s a master of dialogue. He’s pretty much popularized the “talking head” comic in the modern industry, much to the chagrin of many fanboys. I, however, LOVED his work. I read his autobiographical comics, like Total Sell-Out and Fortune & Glory, plus I even gave Powers a try (still don’t get the hype on that book). Based on Avengers and his Ultimate Marvel work, I think it was safe to say that Bendis was my favorite writer in comics. With that in mind, of course it would have been an honor for me to meet him.

Fast forward to 2008, at the Baltimore Comic-Con. Bendis was making the rare convention appearance out East, and I saw this as my chance to finally get to meet my favorite writer. I got in line for his table EARLY, as we knew he’d be signing, but no one seemed to know when. On top of that, he was doing back to back panels, which seemed to be running over schedule. I’d been to a handful of Baltimore shows, so I knew I wasn’t missing much on the floor. If you’ve seen Howard Chaykin once, then that’s all you need. Bendis, however, was the goal. I must’ve stood in that line for over 4 hours. Sure, I had some interesting fanboy conversations over the course of that time, but I still wasted the better part of the day in that line. When I finally got up to Bendis, he spent the time chatting away on his iPhone. I don’t think he even looked at me. He kinda scrawled his autograph on my comic (which, by the way, didn’t look nearly as good as the potentially fake autograph I’d bought at a show some years earlier. At least that one looked like it said “BENDIS”). Before I could really say anything to him, he handed it back and briefly moved the phone aside to say, “Here ya go, champ”, in the manner of your mom’s new boyfriend who didn’t care enough to learn your name.

Now, I know that whole thing sounds like I have a sense of geek entitlement, but I really expected more. A lot of people have asked, “Well, what did you expect him to do?” I really can’t tell you, but I certainly expected actually get to say something to him. I’m sure everybody says the same, trite “I love your work”, but isn’t that part and parcel of the convention signing experience? At least pretend he cares about his fans. Whenever you read these stories, someone in the comments will say “Well, maybe he was tired” or “‘Maybe he was having a bad day”. None of that seemed to apply here. He was happy and spry; he just wasn’t present. Never meet your heroes, kid. Anyway, my opinion of him kind of took a hit after that, while his star has only continued to rise. I was already grandfathered into his earlier series (like New Avengers and Ultimate Spider-Man), but I wasn’t sure I wanted to get on that horse again. Petty, I know. So, this is where I was coming from when I heard about Scarlet. Due to the buzz surrounding the book, I decided to give it a shot. In retrospect, it’s a great book that I’m not quite sure I should’ve read.

I don’t want to ruin it for you, because the story has an angle to it that should be experienced by the reader. As a quick elevator pitch, Scarlet is the story of a woman who, upon realizing that the world isn’t fair, decides that she’s going to change all of that – by any means necessary. It’s a book with a message, and it’s a potentially dangerous message. It’s almost like Falling Down, the Michael Douglas movie where one bad day pretty much sets an average Joe on a self-destructive path. I say it may not have been the book for me because of what my life has been going through as of late. It speaks to me, and it probably speaks to other readers as well. This familiarity will be good for the book’s accessibility, but do we really need to make angry people any angrier? It could almost be seen as inspirational, but what is it inspiring? It takes the notion of “The World Is Screwed Up”, but follows it up with a “So, What Are You Going To Do About It?”

Seeing as how it’s the first issue, it’s not exactly preachy, but focuses more on providing background info on Scarlet. It will be interesting to see how the book proceeds, seeing as how Bendis has said it’s not meant to be a political book. After all, this means that it will be a battle cry for a revolution that doesn’t specify the end goal. It almost sounds like an invitation to chaos, while it could also follow the notion that society has to be fully destroyed before it can be rebuilt. It’s an interesting concept, and I look forward to seeing where the book is headed. I hate to admit it, but Bendis has still got it. Maybe one day, I might get the chance to tell him that.