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Walk into an average DJ’d bar on a weekend night (for you local folks, I’m talking Union Jacks, Blackfinn, the late, great Lulu’s, etc.), and you’re bound to have your ears assaulted by certain songs. Have you ever wondered why every bar plays the same songs? Well, the bars I mentioned are pretty much “white bars”, and I’ve come to notice that drunk white kids LOVE these songs. I thought I’d try to figure exactly what it is about these songs that appeals to the young, drunk, Caucasian masses. These are presented in no particular order, as popularity is relative, based on quality of the night, amount of alcohol, as well as environment. So, let’s see here…

Friends In Low Places – This Garth Brooks classic is a karaoke staple, but it’s the non-country fan’s country song. It embodies everything everyone thinks about country music (drawl, unrequited love), but it’s also got edgy, angsty leanings. It’s about not fitting in, and feeling like an outsider. Shit, this thing could’ve been recorded by Foo Fighters or Death Cab. A lot of insecure wallflowers can relate to this song at the beginning of the night. It’s a song about shady people. Everyone singing along is in one of 2 camps: they’ve got a shady friend, or they are the shady friend. The drunker Cody gets, he moves from the former to the latter. That said, the presence of alcohol just ensures that he’s not alone in this transmogrification.

Sweet Caroline – This is another drunken singalong staple, especially due to its use during the 7th Inning Stretch. Nothing brings a room together like a unison “bum-bum-bummm!” – or, the regional “fuck-ing-slut!”- that follows the titular refrain. This drunken solidarity turns a room full of dudes into a room full of bros.

Gold Digger – White people LOVE this song! Why? ‘Cause it let’s ‘em say “nigger” (unless the pussy DJ is playing the radio edit). Any black person who’s made it to college – the time of life when levels of bravado and available alcohol run highest – has dealt with the “but it’s in the song!” argument that Chad throws down when he sees you glaring.

Another reason the song resonates with white people can be boiled down to one simple line: “we want prenup!”. You see, white people are the only ones who understand the importance of said document. Black people don’t have prenups, unless they’re athletes – in which case they’re married to white women. Otherwise, your average black man doesn’t have anything your average black woman would even want in the event of a divorce!

Also, what does the song’s protagonist end up doing? “He leave yo’ ass for a white girl!” It’s a line that’s met with sneers in the black club, but is met with Woo Girl cheers in your white bar. Every Molly, Abby and Katie will make herself known at this point! Black guys, this is also a good time to scan the crowd to find the girls who might be down. You know what I’m talkin’ about…

As the night rolls on, and everybody’s loosening up, we move to the 80′s trifecta:

Livin’ On A Prayer – Drunk white kids sing this thing like it’s their national anthem. They forget their trust funds and kickball leagues, and sing as if Johnny and Tina were their hardworking, blue collar parents. Despite all this passion, it’s all gonna fall apart at the key change. It always does…

Your Love – This is the point in the night when Cody decides that he doesn’t want to go home alone. He’s had just enough Yuengling to start making eyes at the hot chick at the bar. He makes a point to really eye fuck her once the “I just wanna use your love…tonight” part hits. Unfortunately, Becky’s not on board, and rolls her eyes as she disappears into the crowd to find her friends. This lines up perfectly with the next song:

Don’t Stop Believin’ – Nothing filled white people with so much hope until Barack Obama came along. It’s a song that says to Cody, “Don’t worry, there are other fish in the sea!” The guitar solo alone is enough to make a man forget his troubles, and trust me – he WILL engage in air guitar!

Just as Cody starts to cheer up, and get back on that horse, Closing Time kicks on and the lights go up. Sure, tonight was a bust, but there’s always next weekend – same bar, same songs…

“Well, I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but I’ve been seen with Farrah…”

In case you didn’t pick up on it from the current Knight Rider layout, I LOVE 80s action shows that ended up in Saturday syndication. I didn’t have much of a social life growing up, so a lot of my weekends were filled with shows like these. Don’t cry for me – I really enjoyed them, so these tend to provide nice escapist entertainment when I’m trying to remember “the good times”. Last night, I found myself staying up just to watch the pilot for The Fall Guy on Hulu. In case you’ve never seen it, The Fall Guy stars 70s leading man, Lee Majors, as Hollywood stuntman Colt Seavers. Generally, the life of a stuntman is a non-publicized, unappreciated one, as the leading man tends to get all of the credit for the roles. In order to pay his rent, Colt serves as a bounty hunter between films, taking jobs from his friend, “Big Jack”. He’s assisted by Douglas Barr (who went on to Designing Women cameos, and not much else) and 80s pinup beauty Heather Thomas.

The show is great because it follows the typical Glen A. Larson show model: cast a rugged leading man, get a cool vehicle (in this case, an elevated GMC pickup), and find a way for it to jump over shit. You saw it in Knight Rider, you saw it in Magnum P.I., and you see it here. Plus, it’s a lot like V.I.P., in that it’s Hollywood locale allows for cameos from C-list celebrities. Since Colt is a stuntman for well known stars, you’re always saying, “Hey, that’s James Coburn!” or “That’s Robert Wagner!” (on a side note, is there an 80s leading man more dapper than Robert Wagner in Hart to Hart? I mean, besides Brosnan in Remington Steele?).

Another thing I liked about this show was the frequency of bar fights. I swear, it was a dream of mine to get into a bar-fight and break a chair over a guy’s back. Sure, they hit people with chairs in wrestling, but on The Fall Guy, they actually broke wooden chairs over guys’ backs. Guns were available, but the fists spoke just as well as bullets. If anything, guns in these shows were only brandished in order to signal the end of the fistfights.

I posted the pilot because I really feel that this is the way to do television. They just don’t make pilots like this anymore. Sure, it’s dated, but it’s oh so good. Plus, there are a couple of highlights in this premiere:

-Lou fucking Rawls, as a black country star!

-Eddie Albert, of Green Acres fame, stars as a crooked sheriff who kills a kid in a drunken hit & run

-Terry Kiser (Weekend At Bernie’s) must have been the hardest working man in showbiz during that decade. This is his first Fall Guy appearance, but he returned 5 more times over the show’s run, always as a different character.

-Holy God! Young Delta Burke is H-O-T!

-The final 5 minutes of the show feature a surprise (well, it’s a surprise if you didn’t pay attention to the special guest starts listed at the beginning) appearance by Farrah Fawcett, who just a few years prior had been known as Farrah Fawcett-Majors. This is a BIG DEAL, as Lee and Farrah were basically the Brangelina of their time, yet were separated at the time of filming. It’s not just a cute scene, but it also seems to signal the end of an era. I know that Farrah’s death was overshadowed by the sudden demise of Michael Jackson, but I believe that no Farrah tribute is complete without this scene:

“Goodbyes shouldn’t happen over the phone.”

Not much going on right now, as I’ve been pretty busy with work. I will say, however, that the beautiful Ms. Anna threw a pretty cool White Party on her roof for Memorial Day. There are pics scattered across the internet, but that’s not why we’re here. I’ve got something else in mind for today’s blurb: Music post!

-The Lil Wayne/Kanye “Lollipop” remix is so hot it brings tears to my eyes. Oh man, is that a hot track! I’m scared the song’s heading into “Umbrella” territory, as it’s got about 3 remixes right now, but the Kanye one is the real deal.

-Nelly and Fergie, huh? Well, it’s clearly a Nelly track, as it follows his usual lyrical progressions. I’ll say, though, that Fergie certainly holds her own. And in the middle, where they both earn their membership in Bone Thugs & Harmony? Beautiful!

-OK, major points to Usher for making the “Moving Mountains” video a direct continuation of the “Love In This Club” video. I do, however, need some kind of explanation. First off, where the Hell is this club located? It burns down, and he’s in the Alps? How exactly did that club burn down, anyway? Shouldn’t Usher be all broken up by how his cameo friends, like Robin Thicke, Diddy, and Kanye are probably all dead? And if they arent dead, shouldn’t he be pissed they left his ass in the Alps with nothing but a leather jacket? Plus, as much as I love continuity, the 2 songs are too thematically different to work back to back. In the first single, he’s trying to get a girl to do him in the bathroom of a club, but this single is a love ballad about how he’s so lonely? Well, take this hint for next time: don’t ask a chick to do you in a public restroom. Could’ve saved yourself some heartache there, Mr. Raymond! I just hope the next video is Part III of this saga, as I’d really like to know how he gets off that damn mountain…

-A classic that’s begging to be sampled is “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers. You doubt me? Give it a listen. I’ll wait.

- I’d really like to test the limits of the Auto-Tune phenomenon. People act like the technology was just invented, as it’s everywhere. That said, I’d like to issue a challenge. I’d like to record myself reading the book of Genesis, with Auto-Tune, with a Casio keyboard providing the backing track. I’ll have the number song come Labor Day.

-So, the complete version of Donnie Klang’s “Dr. Love” finally leaked. I gotta say, for all that he did for Day26 and Danity Kane, Diddy really dropped the ball on Donnie’s tracks. And the lyrics? On the way to the club-of-the-night, Jeff and I used to freestyle lyrics to the instrumental, and I can say that, on our worst night, we came up with more imaginative lyrics than the end result on that single. Let’s hope the rest of the album, combined with the stuff produced by Seven, will redeem the whole thing.

-Back in the ’80s, nobody made a soundtrack song quite like DeBarge. Sure, their main hit is “Rhythm of the Night” from The Last Dragon, but many forget that they also gave us “Who’s Johnny”, from Short Circuit.

-OK, anyone who knew me in college knows that I sacrificed my freshman year GPA in the pursuit of one goal: to build the ultimate 80s music collection. I was going to put Cool Rock and Red Hot, and every Time-Life infomercial collection to shame. In fact, I went to their websites, downloaded the track listings, and finished the job with Napster. Good, old free Napster. Well, I burned most of those songs on Comp USA CD-Rs – the old school, “blue underside” kind. Turns out, those were probably the shittiest CD-R’s around, next to PNY Technologies. They say CD’s you burn yourself only have about a 10 year shelf-life, and these are proving that theory. So, I’m finding myself having to rebuild a good chunk of that work, this time without Napster. Part of me doesn’t even care anymore, but another part hates the idea of quitting, so I guess I’m going back into the laboratory and resuming that project.

-A Hot 99.5 DJ pointed this out in a commercial bumper, but I hate myself for not realizing it first: Chris Brown’s “Forever” takes on a whole new meaning if you think of it as a response track to Rihanna’s “Please Don’t Stop the Music”. It’s like they’re sending each other love notes through song or some junk.

-Is it just me, or does the whole “Fugees Sitar Sample” NOT fit in Wyclef’s “Fast Car”? It’s like he was so scared we wouldn’t know it was a Wyclef track that he was compelled to include that. Dude, that shit was 12 years ago! If you have to reference something that long ago, you have a serious branding issue on your hands. Dear Wyclef, it’s not like you’re the Quad City DJs or something! You don’t need cheap gimmicks for us to know who you are! In other news, how’s that Fugees reunion coming along?

-”American Boy”, by Estelle – the Brits do it again! There are 2 styles the UK pulls off that the rest of the world dare not try: 1) neo funk disco and 2) pop songs with trumpets. This song is a great example of the former.

-Gavin DeGraw’s got more soul than anyone knows what to do with. At times, he might come off as somewhat of a joke, as his image doesn’t exactly match his sound. Plus, he almost took a hit with the “theme song curse” – typically, when an artist’s song is chosen as the them for a TV show (“I Don’t Wanna Be”, One Tree Hill seasons 1-4), it becomes their one and only (and eventually annoying) hit. Just listen to that song, though; there are parts where he really just souls out. On the stripped disc, there’s a track of him doing Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come”. I’ve been trying to track that mp3 down for about 3 years, but I just know, without even hearing it, that the boy did justice to that song.

-Seeing as how summer is now upon us, isn’t it time for DJ Sammy to butcher another 80s classic? OK, maybe “butcher” is too harsh, but anyone can add a beat to a Bryan Adams song. His scam is almost as deplorable as Auto-Tune-Gate. Anyway, my money’s on something from the Richard Marx catalog. “Right Here Waiting” is too easy. If he wants to be edgy, he should go after “Hold On To the Nights”. If he really wants to be experimental, though, I could totally hear a tranced out “Silent Running” by Mike & the Mechanics.

“You used Ghostbusters for evil!”

I’m beginning to realize that I don’t like the new Ryan Seacrest. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but Ryan Seacrest, the brand, is a lot different from the surfer dude from the days of yore. Rewind to 2003, and we’ve got a guy who’s just glad that he has a job. Fresh off canceled game shows such as Gladiators 2000 and Click, he was a drive-time DJ who always had a smile, and seemed to appreciate every moment. Now, you’ve got this suit-wearing, multimedia impressario who’s poised to take over the entertainment world. On the fast-track to becoming the next Merv Griffin, Seacrest has his American Idol gig, owns 8 restaurants, he’s the exec producer of E! News, Keeping Up With the Kardashians & Denise Richards’ show, he’s the host of America’s Top 40, he’s got his syndicated On Air radio show, and there’s the persistent rumor that he’s raking over for Larry King on CNN. No, not Billy Bush, or anyone else who might be his contemporary; LARRY f’ing KING! Do you know what that guy’s demographic is? Plus, Larry has somewhat of a journalism background, so he’s got cred. To even imagine putting Seacrest in that role is as ill-conceived as replacing Rather with Couric. Sure, he’s a decent interviewer, but I feel Seacrest has lost a lot of what made him personable. They keep hinting at the fact that Idol needs to be retooled, and Seacrest being ousted is on the table. They might be on to something, as he’s just not relatable anymore. At times, he seems just as out of place as the musical-guest-of-the-week (Neil Diamond? Really?). Seacrest 2.0 is like your friend’s cool older brother, who used to buy you beer and porn, but now spends his weekends test driving Volvos and shopping for khakis since getting that i-banking job.

Lately, a favorite pastime of mine is listening to Casey Kasem’s America’s Top 40: The Eighties. Locally, it’s on 102.7, but I’m sure it’s syndicated all over the place. Basically, it replays the old ’80s countdowns, from the same calendar week. Yesterday’s countdown was from May 18th, 1985. The beauty of the countdown is you can see whether or not those “rising stars” flamed out or actually made something of themselves. Plus, you hear a bunch of songs from hit artists that are supposed to be “their next huge hit”, but actually flopped. Last night, I discovered Alison Moyet’s “Invisible”. She was pretty much the Anastacia of the era, as she was “the soulful white girl”. I guess there was only room for one Taylor Dayne back then. Good song, though. Plus, Casey introduced us to “the first hit from Katrina & the Waves”. I laughed about 5 minutes for that comment. It’s also funny to see that not everything touched by Billy Ocean, Hall & Oates, or Rick Springfield turned to gold, regardless of what those late-nite infomercials would lead us to believe. This week’s recommendation from the countdown, however, has to be Foreigner’s “That Was Yesterday.” If you remember the scene in Rocky IV where Rocky’s racing down the highway, reminiscing about Apollo, then you know this song. It gets lost in the 80s mix, but it’s one of the goodies.

Anybody else notice that the Cornell chick, Fury, isn’t on American Gladiators anymore? And why is Zen missing from Work Out? I love how these shows are “reality” until someone goes missing, and then mum’s the word.

So, it’s finale season. It’s a bit anticlimactic, seeing as how the strike killed a good third of the season. That said, I still love a good cliffhanger to hold me over until Fall:

The Office: ya know, I’m a somewhat occasional visitor to this universe, so it wasn’t as shocking to me as it might be to you Officephiles out there. I do think Ryan’s had an amazing character arc, as he has gone from decent guy to douchebag. When the show started, you could’ve sided with either Ryan or Jim, but now Jim’s the clear winner. I’m going to have to catch up with this series over the summer.

30 Rock: Somewhat disappointing. Jack goes to work for the lame duck Bush Administration, while Liz has a pregnancy scare (2 weeks, mind you, after the theatrical release of Baby Mama).

The Big Bang Theory: This show was a lot better earlier in the season, when Sheldon wasn’t as obnoxious, while Leonard had more interactions with Penny. What started as a nouveau Three’s Company quickly turned into Geek Will & Grace, with sidekicks stealing the spotlight. It seems like they were trying to return to the original formula in the end, but I was kind of over the potential of a Leonard-Penny union. Plus, if you’re gonna do it, you don’t sell the farm at the end of the first season. That’s a season 5 development right there.

How I Met Your Mother: She’s not the mom. Love her to death, but she’s not the mom. As much as I love this show, I feel the past 3 weeks have been a bit of a letdown. Thank God they got that pickup for next season, as this would’ve been a pretty shitty way to end the series. That said, a sitcom can’t last, successfully, more than 7 seasons. A sitcom with a built-in plot device (i.e. man has to right the wrongs of his life, father explains courtship to kids, man pretends to be married to secure promotion, etc) tends to have an even shorter shelf life. Considering this show has been on the bubble every season of its existence, they really need to plan next season as its last. It doesn’t have to end just because we meet the mom, but we do need to meet her before it’s too late.

One Tree Hill: This show does angst better than anything on TV right now. Laugh all you want, but it’s still here. Besides Smallville, it’s the longest running show on The CW. It weathered the merger, survived the 5 year time leap, and is currently experiencing a creative & ratings high. This season also introduced the amazing character of Millicent, a woman so great that I’d give my left foot to be with her if she existed. In any case, it was your standard OTH finale, with a bunch of false start happy endings, capped off with the big bad thing. I swear, though, I hope Dan’s dead for good now. For the last 4 years, it’s been Dan gets drugged and burned, Dan goes to jail, but never Dan finally dying. I think it’s time. Guess we’ll see in the Fall…

“Let me tell you something about 20 year olds, my friend: half of them are 16.”

My God, did Knight Rider suck!

I really wanted to like it. I mean, besides Hasselhoff himself, nobody wanted this to work more than I did. But man, did they miss the mark.

First off, let’s start with K.I.T.T. While a Mustang Cobra is a nice muscle car, it’s not sleek like the Trans-Am. Also, one has to realize that K.I.T.T., as a concept, really isn’t that hi-tech anymore. I mean, if you gave me a car with a wi-fi linkup to Google, Wikipedia, and YouTube, I’d have a car just as advanced as this one. People take for granted how pervasive and common the internet has become in recent years. There was no internet during the first show, so K.I.T.T. seemed special. Now, having a car with the OnStar system is just as good.

And let’s talk about that little “K.I.T.T. can change color” feature. It’s a sad day when Knight Rider starts stealing from a show that stole from IT! That feature is from Viper, a seldom remembered NBC/syndicated show from the mid-nineties. In it, a law enforcement agency created a souped up car to deal with those pesky, not-so-legal missions (sound familiar?). Instead of having artificial intelligence, the car merely changed color (considered an “armor mode”) and had machine guns in the running board. The show started on NBC because, mainly, they were trying to resurrect Knight Rider. Only this time, the car didn’t drive itself. Instead, they got some illegal street racer to drive it. When they had the NBC money, the car changed from red to a silver snakeskin pattern. When it went to syndication, budget cuts caused it to simply change to silver. Now that’s Knight Rider’s big gimmick? The car can change color? Don’t they already have that shit in Japan? They have everything in Japan (I swear, a couple Godzilla attacks, and they become the technological capital of the world)!

There’s something about the camera angles, too. I love that they brought back the violet-filtered desert drive montage, but really, how much shit is going down in the desert? And when they’re doing city shots, I swear it’s a Mustang commercial. There’s the standard Knight Rider camera shot sequence: show the wheel, show the hood/sensor, show the digital dash readout, show the spoiler. On the original car, a lot of these parts were custom-made, as you couldn’t get bowling ball hubcaps or a red LED scanner on a standard Trans-Am. This, however, isn’t custom; it’s concept. This car, for the most part, exists. So, when they show all the “Knight Rider” angles, it comes off looking more like the recent Escalade ad with Kate Walsh.

Speaking of original K.I.T.T., I’ve got t say, that it pained me to see the nosecone, steering wheel, and license plate just hanging around the scientist’s warehouse. Sure, they were put in as fanboy easter eggs, but why the fuck did they have to dismantle the original? He should be in a museum somewhere! Or they could have said that the government backward-engineered his parts to give us stuff like TiVo and teeth whitening strips. Plus, is the current K.I.T.T.’s AI the same as the original, or is this just based on the original? For laymen, what I’m asking is, “Is this the same ‘Mr. Feeny K.I.T.T.’ that we all know and love, just voiced by Val Kilmer, or is this an entirely new Val Kilmer-only K.I.T.T.?” Does he remember his times with Michael Knight, or has he been reprogrammed?

The casting left a lot to be desired! First, there was Justin Bruehning’s terrible delivery. He’s too angsty, even when the script doesn’t call for that. That’s what you get when you cast soap stars, I guess. Oh, look! They gave Mike a loveable, good-for-nothing sidekick. And he’s pretty much the same character as the sidekick in Chuck. And what’s the deal with Sydney Poitier? Sure, she comes from good stock, citing her dad’s resume, but she’s always put in roles where I feel she’s overcompensating. Whether it’s Grindhouse or Knight Rider, they want me to think of her as this strong, kickass woman, when I feel her performance in these roles is as empty as that of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. Once again, Showgirls is not necessarily a bad movie; it’s just overacted. And I haven’t been able to trust Bruce Davison ever since he was Senator Kelly and Magneto turned him into a saltwater-filled sack of goo.

Plus, I got the feeling that they were going too far trying to be edgy. Hey, look! Michael’s waking up with 2 hot chicks! Hey, look! Sydney Poitier’s a lesbian FBI agent with a penchant for one-night stands! How cliche. Next, they’ll saddle her with a drinking problem.

And The Hoff? Man, oh man, did he not need to come back for this. It’s been said, by The Hoff himself, that Knight Rider is the most important role he’s ever played. That said, he gets really protective whenever word surfaces that a Knight Rider project is afoot. Here’s the deal: He was creating a theatrical KR movie at the same time that NBC decided to do this TV movie. In fact, he’s been working on his movie for about 6 years. So, his funding falls through, but NBC’s determined to go forward with thei movie. So, he informs them of his interest, and they wrote in him. Now, here’s where it gets tricky: this movie was a backdoor pilot. I’m not sure if I’ve explained that concept before (it’s something I would mention), but it’s a movie or episode of a pre-existing show, meant to be spun off into it’s own series if the ratings are high enough. If you watched Who’s The Boss, there’s a good example where Angela vists her friend who runs a model agency, and one of the models is Leah Remini. That was spun off as a seres. The Ropers spun out of a backdoor pilot during Three’s Company. So, NBC is hoping this movie does well, so that they can launch it as a series next season, which is why they’ve been hyping the Hell out of it. Anyway, I wish Hoff had kept his distance. Let this ship sink on its own. And where the Hell was his leather jacket and jeans during the funeral? Michael KNight doesn’t own a suit. If he does, it looks like something Don Johnson would’ve worn 20 years ago. It wouldn’t havea tie. In fact, I picture Michael Knight as this guy who just wouldn’t age with the times. People would be all, “Look at my iPhone”, and he’d reply with, “Oh yeah, well my car talks and it’s got non-threatening lasers, you know, for burning locks and stuff.” And people would just walk away from him, shaking their heads. He’s the kind of guy who’d walk up to a little kid and say, “Hey, do you like Spudz MacKenzie?” That would’ve been a funnier take on the franchise. Cast Vince Vaughn (or Will Ferrell, if you must), and make it about this outdated vigilante who just hasn’t changed with the times.

Considering the formula of the original show (Michael Knight rides into town, meets girl, girl’s in trouble, he saves girl from injustice in the form of biker gang/exhusband/bootleggers/traveling band of clowns, Michael makes love to her off camera, leaves town, repeat), you’ve got to wonder how many illegitimate kids he has! I mean, he was the Knight Rider for 4 years that we know of. Just the adventures that we saw, there were about 88 ( 4 seasons, at 22 episodes each) women he could have done this to.

Anyone who’s discussed comics with me knows that I’m a continuity freak. I like to know that the order of events makes sense, and fits along a logical timeline. This movie, however, just fucked with Knight Rider continuity. The Hoff has a way of doing that; keep in mind, Mitch Buchanan died when he was blowed up by eco terrorists, and then showed up in the Baywatch Reunion movie like nothing happened. Knight Rider took place between the years of 1982-1986. Then, we were given Knight Rider 2000. Premiering in 1991, this failed backdoor pilot showed the world of Knight Rider in the year 2000, as K.I.T.T. is inside of a ’57 Chevy and Foundation for Law and Government are building a new, red Trans-Am. Just like everything from that era, it saw the future as this crazyh world where everyone would have neuro implants and drugs would be super-drugs. You thought crack was bad? Here comes Super Crack! It’s just as bad, plus it comes in virtual reality! Here it is, 2008, and crack is still whack, and the only people with implants are alien abductees, and the occasional family of experimental secular humanists. The main reason Knight Rider 2000 failed, though, was that The Hoff was meant to pass the torch to a new driver, this blonde chick with no personality. She had the aforementioned implants because she was shot in the head by her dirty partner on the force. Coincidentally, her implant was comprised on a chipset from K.I.T.T., so it was like they had a cyber bond. Well, did I mention the chick had no personality? If The Hoff came back, it might’ve worked. Keep in mind, though, had that happened, we never would’ve had Baywatch. Blessing or curse? You decide.

Next, Universal decided to give us Team Knight Rider. Broadcast for one season between 1996 and 1997, TKR followed an elite strike force comprises of 5 people from all walks of life. One was a former marine, one a hacker, one a former jewel thief, and so on. They were each paired with a vehicle that possesed an artificial intelligence that complimented their personalities. So, instead of everyone having a condescending British guy, there was more diversity in the car/truck/motorcycle personalities (Fun Fact: Kat, the jewel thief, had a motorcycle voiced by none of than Nia Vardolos of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” fame). Five people, five cars. No, they didn’t form Voltron. When they went to Europe, there was even a Knight Mini Pod Car. And K.I.T.T.’s AI made an appearance, while the car didn’t. The series ended on a cliffhanger, where team member Jenny learns that Michael Knight (long though dead, btw), was her father (sound familiar?). They couldn’t talk the Hoff into this one, so they just show a guy, with the Hoff’s build, from a distance. The funny thing about TKR is that it’s probably the only thing on the internet that only has 1 website devoted to it. If you don’t believe, go check. I’ll wait. Hell, even I have 2 websites! Anyway, my prob with TKR was that it took place in realtime, 1996, before the events of TKR, yet they already mentioned the death of former mentor Devon Miles, which doesn’t occur until the year 2000, as shown in the Knight Rider 2000 TV movie. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, instead of a big rig, ther TKR headquarters was a cargo plane (sound familiar?).

And now this movie takes place in real time, 2008, but there are no implants or Super Crack or even a red Trans Am. Michael might have a ’57 Chevy, but that wasn’t mentioned. Clearly, Knight Rider 2000 never happened according to this new timeline.

Anyway, the movie was hella-hyped, and I’m pretty sure NBC’s gonna get the numbers they wanted and bring it back in the fall. It’s sad, too, because that show won’t make it to ’09 unless they launch it in January. It’s got Bionic Woman written all over it (which would’ve ben canceled regardless of the strike. Now, it’s experiencing a more quiet death). It’s not like they really have a choice, considering the strike killed most of the stuff they had in the pipeline. I just hate to think that something I loved as a child is being resustiated just so someone can shoot it in the head. I’ve written about it before, but here’s my take on Knight Rider: it ain’t Shakespeare. I will never try to tell you it’s a good show. Hell, Brandon Tartikoff developed it, and he never called it a good show. What is is, though, is an entertaining show. Tartikoff always said that the car, not Hasselhoff, was the star of the show. When envisioned, the show was supposed to revive the western, as a man rode into town, said maybe 6 words, and righted every wrong that he came in contact with. Over time, Tartikoff saw that Hasselhoff was charismatic, so that vision changed a bit. However, whenever The Hoff would rally for more money, Tartikoff never shied from reminding him that the car was the star of the show – the driver could be replaced. My relationship/history with Knight Rider is bittersweet. You ever date someone who really isn’t that attractive, on a “universal scale”, but they’re attractive to you? You know your friends don’t get it, but you just hope they have enough tact to not bring up the topic. Knight Rider is that unattractive girlfriend to me. I know she ain’t a beauty queen, but she’s attractive to me. That said, there are limits. There are even times when you have to think to yourself, “Man, so-and-so is looking pretty busted today.” Well, after watching that movie, I can say that today is that day, and that so-and-so is Knight Rider. Tune in next time, where I answer the whole “I’ll be surprised if I survive the weekend” riddle…

“Yeah, you are beautiful, but ya don’t mean a thing to me.”

So, for the past year, I’ve had one song that’s constantly running in the back of my mind. Don’t ask me why. It’s just there. In the words of the greatest Martin episode ever, “You ever had a song in your head and ya just can’t get it out?! Well, that happened to me fifteen years ago…”

Now, I’ve always loved Journey, but I really love Steve Perry. Like Phil Collins and Genesis, most people can’t tell the difference between a Journey song and a Steve Perry song. Well, I’m not most people. I love Steve Perry, mainly, because he couldn’t be famous today. Powerful voice, but he ain’t a looker. He looks like “the bad kid” from every 80′s movie, all grown up. He’s just missing the requisite bandana/headband. Catch the right video, and he’ll even be wearing that. Anyway, there’s a song of his that I find myself singing, at least once a day. I now, give you that song:

“Live every week like it’s Shark Week!”

OK, I’m working on a LONG post right now, so this is gonna be a shorter one.

-So, a childhood dream of mine kind of came true today: I got a phone call from The Greatest American Hero! You know, “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air…”. Yeah. William Katt, star of the 80′s hit. He’s working on a top secret project, but he’d been in touch with one of my teammates at work.

I know I’ve written about this before, but that was probably the only show we watched as a family before my dad died. So, I’ve got memories. Anyway, my teammate told William about me and my fanboyness, so he actually gave me a call. I feel so bad because I was having a bad day and totally answered the phone like an a-hole. When he identified himself, I couldn’t believe it. The dude was awesome. I went all fanboy-stupid and couldn’t really tell you all the stuff that fell out of my mouth. I remember telling him that I was Pippin in high school and that I based my interpretation on video of his Broadway run as the character. Anyway, he was such a nice and gracious guy, and he even gave me his cell. Told me to let him know if I ever needed anything and that he’d be swinging through town on the promo circuit and he’d loved to meet with me. I was floored! One down, only Hasselhoff, Adam West, Stan Lee, John Schneider, and Tom Wopat to go!

-Everyone likes to think of Star Trek‘s Uhura as some kind of pioneer in breaking television’s color barrier. In a way, that’s true. On the other hand, she really wasn’t that important of a character. Sure, they call her the ship’s “communications officer”, but she was really just an operator. She worked the switchboards. So, if anything, Uhura started a longstanding tradition of Black women working at the phone company. Next time your bill payment isn’t registered, or you have to log a service complaint, thank Uhura for your fifteen-minute wait time. In the meantime, enjoy that Muzak!

-Speaking of Star Trek, the trailer for the new movie has got me having a Trekkie relapse. I’ve kept it buried inside since the end of DS9, but I’m feelin’ a resurgence. Sadly, I even find myself liking Enterprise. ENTERPRISE! The Scott Bakula thing that wouldn’t even acknowledge it was a Star Trek show until its third season! Anyway, like the critics used to say, it really is a much sexier show than any of the other spin-offs. Plus, I like when my Starfleet officers curse. You’d never hear Jean-Luc or Will Riker yell, “Well, son of a bitch!” You’ll hear that on Jonathan Archer’s ship. Plus, every woman in the Mirror Universe wears a halter top. It’s the little things in life…

-I have a crazy crush on Jane Krakowski right now. As if Tina Fey and her sexy/geeky/cool didn’t make 30 Rock hard enough to watch, seeing Jane as the aloof, self-absorbed starlet takes the cake. Plus, I have to give her credit for only getting more beautiful with age. Anyone who remembers her from Ally McBeal knows she was “the thick one”. There was Calista Flockhart: the skinny one; Courtney Thorne-Smith: the one that every viewer related to, and Jane: the thick, not as pretty as the other two, one. But at 39, she looks amazing these days. For further proof, watch the 30 Rock eps that either feature her Maxim shoot or her “Muffin Top” music video.

-Speaking of music, Jordin Sparks’s “Tattoo” is a horrible debut single. I mean, it’s catchy. I’ll give it that. Just like Chris Brown’s “With You”, it’s a pretty weak song, with weak lyrics, and a basic sound structure. That said, they’re both catchy as Hell. Regardless, it’s not the debut single of an American Idol.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Idol debuts tend to be pretty…meta. In other words, the songs are basically the winner singing about how awesome it is to win AI. “A Moment Like This”? Kelly lived a lifetime to win AI. Ruben’s “Flying Without Wings” doesn’t count because it was a song written for Westlife and just reused (Simon was one of Westlife’s managers). Nobody remembers Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which is sad considering AI alum Tamyra Gray wrote it. Carrie Underwood stole the country crowd with “Inside Your Heaven”, which doubles as a love song, but also affirms that she wants to be in the hearts and minds of her fans. “Do I Make You Proud?” Well, Taylor was hoping he did. And then his label dropped him. Technically, “This is My Now” is Jordin’s debut, which follows the Idol formula, but it never stuck. Now, we’ve got this song that sounds like it was written for JoJo or something. Plus, if it truly is following the this-song-is-about Idol formula, she’s basically saying that the experience is something she’s never gonna be able to shake. It’s grafted onto her for-fucking-ever. Unless she has painful surgery. That’s pretty ominous if ya ask me…The longer this show lasts, the more I’m convinced that the well is running dry.

In fact, I’m starting to feel like those old people who think today’s music is crap. I mean, who thought Keyshia Cole had talent?! Sure, I get the whole she’s-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks angle, but damn! She’s a studio artist , at best, as all the live stuff I’ve seen makes her sound like an epileptic rooster.

-If I see another Arthur Suydam zombie cover on a comic, I’m going to track him down and shoot him in the face. This is a gimmick that has gone on about 2 years too long.

-In closing, apparently, I’m an idiot. I hardly ever comment on the stuff in my comments section as it seems that people find my site 3 months after a post, and comment on something ancient. That said, somebody decided to anonymously point out my idiocy, mainly, because I have class. If you remember my last Whose Wedding post, I pretty much crapped all over a planner named Linyette. Well, my view stands. She’s tacky as hell. I don’t want my party favors to be spray-painted shit from the Dollar Store. Like the commentor said, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, and that’s mine. Thanks for stopping by, though.

“I thought you made love like an ugly woman. So present, so grateful.”

Dear TNT,
There are other shows in the world than Charmed and Law & Order. I appreciate what you’re trying to do. You’re going for a whole theme thing. But, really? There’s a whole world of syndicated shows out there, just waiting to be mined. I don’t think anyone’s airing The Fall Guy right now. Or how about that old show, The Wizard, with the midget who made toys that helped him “MacGuyver” out of bad situations? Just a thought…

So, I’ve been losing my mind lately, as Toys “R” Us is now open until midnight for the whole holiday rush. For those of you new to these parts, I work evenings and weekends at Toys “R”Us, or as I like to call it, “my student loan job”. Staying open til midnight can be trying considering that’s just the time at which we start turning away customers. Actually leaving the store is a whole different matter. This past Wednesday, we didn’t get out until 2 AM. Keep in mind that the employees are high school students, mothers, and people with other jobs. It makes no sense to me, seeing as how we have a capable night crew, staffed with baby mama’s and ex convicts. Can’t they clean the store?! But I digress…

During this season, our minds start to wander, and the subject matter of our conversations isn’t exactly suited for our environment. For example, a few weeks back, one of my coworkers remarked that he’s both vulgar and nice. I told him that his Pokemon name would be “Vulgice”. Then, his evolutions would either be Vul-Va or VulGina. Yeah…

Recently, though, we’ve been having a lot of discussions/arguments regarding the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. The guys were remarking that, regardless of how Hollywood decides to fuck it up, the movie won’t be complete without Snake Eyes. Now, this is when one of the guys decided to say that there was a time when everyone thought Snake Eyes was Black, and how disappointed he was when he turned out to be some White guy. Now, first of all, this is a common Black thing to say, as we’re always trying to claim someone in the media. Mariah Carey? She’s ours. The Rock? Yeah, he’s ours, too. O.J.? He’s ours as long as he’s acquitted. Anyway, it was weird to hear this, though, as the assertion was now coming from a White guy.

So, I had to search long and hard and think if there was ever any indication that Snake Eyes was a Black guy. As far as G.I. Joe goes, all Black members have to carry a big ass gun. And rhyme. See: Roadblock; Cross-reference: Heavy Duty. Snake Eyes didn’t rhyme and he carried swords. Not a compelling case.

Then, there’s the fact that Snake Eyes dates Scarlett. Sure, in the cartoon, she was with Duke, but in every other form of media, he’s knockin’ those redheaded boots. Now, have you ever seen a Black guy with a redhead? Have you? For real? If you have, can you find out his secret for me?

Next, there’s the fact that he’s a ninja. I’ll admit that I was surprised he was just a blond cornhusker, myself, as he was a master ninja…who’d fought in Vietnam. This is the real clincher, as I realized there could never be a black ninja. Sure, a ninja might wear Black, but he could never be Black? Why? Because ninjas have to be quiet. There, I said it. You know you were thinking it, too!

A Black ninja would be flossin’ and shit, and would never pull off the element of surprise:
“I’m a ninja, son! Look at this big-ass sword, woadie! I’m ’bout to cut you, fool! You betta check yo self ’cause I’m ’bout to ninja. yo. ass!”

But, knowing Hollywood, if they want to be hip and edgy, movie Snake Eyes will probably be Black. And played by Chris Tucker. Thanks, assholes.

Speaking of Hollywood ruining cool, black concepts, I leave you with this: The other day, I was stalking a friend on facebook, and one of his friends is a page at NBC/Universal. Her status mentioned that she was watching the new K.I.T.T. models roll of the truck. For the uninformed, NBC’s filming a new Knight Rider movie which, if successful, will lead to a new series focusing on Michael Knight’s son. Well, when I saw this message, I almost wet myself. I wanted to send her a message. After all, this woman was like an angel to me; my link to my savior: a talking, condescending car. Just looking at my site, you’ve *got* to see the Knight Rider influence. Anyway, I held off, and decided to find more info on the project myself. And here’s what shattered my childhood memories:

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU CALL THIS K.I.T.T.?!!

I swear, every night when I say my prayers, I pray that someone would bring back Team Knight Rider. Or at least release it on DVD. On the bright side, at least these producers got The Hoff to agree to come back, which is something TKR never pulled off.

This post is dedicated to the late, great Ike Turner. I believe there are two sides to every story, and poor Ike never got his fair shake. So, I hope he’s in Heaven, slapping and beating up angels…

“They’re too commercial to be real Dutch. I don’t trust them.”

-There’s nothing quite like Friday’s on The Knot. Hmm…that might make a good Style Network show.

-I really miss the art of the saxophone solo. Back in the ’80s, every hit song had a saxophone solo. I’m gonna give you a short list of some of the best:

(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
True – Spandau Ballet
You Belong to the City – Glenn Frey
Hungry Eyes – Eric Carmen
Caribbean Queen – Billy Ocean
Who Can It Be Now? – Men at Work
The Glamourous Life – Sheila E.
Careless Whisper – Wham
Never Surrender – Corey Hart
Back in Time – Huey Lewis & The News
Livin’ in America – James Brown
If You Leave – Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark
Hands to Heaven – Breathe

-Where are all the great comedians of the ’80s? OK, I’m stretching the definition of “great”, but I really hope there’s some stage show in Branson, Missouri comprised of Gilbert Gottfried, Yakov Smirnoff, Joe Isuzu (David Leisure), and Sinbad. It could be like the “Has-beens of Comedy Tour”. You think I’m being snarky, but I would pay good money to see that show. What a country!

- My new favorite show is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. How did I not know about this show? It’s been on for 3 seasons! It’s great because it’s like Seinfeld starring assholes. A show about nothing, starring a bunch of people who…really aren’t good people. That was my problem with Seinfeld, where they always kind of straddled this ethical line, but I never saw them as bad people. When the finale came along, and they go on trial for all of the asshole things they’d done over 9 years, it just seemed kind of heavy-handed. Sure, they were self-serving and whatnot, but a lot of their stuff was madcap. I’d never seen them as “bad”, per se. I think that’s why the finale left a bad taste in my mouth. Not so on It’s Always Sunny… These guys are assholes. And it’s hilarious.

-Can someone shed some light on Reverend Run for me? Is he really ordained? I mean, in this day and age, anyone with an internet connection can become an ordained minister. I just wonder if he’s for real. Like, maybe with a congregation somewhere. ‘Cause I’ve been watching Run’s House for a few years, and he’s the most secular minister since Reverend Camden. It’s not a knock or anything, as I understand that’s not what the show’s about. Still make me curious, though.

- Another music post callback, there’s a track on BSB’s new album that’s produced by JC Chasez. Yes, an ‘NSYNC’er produced a BSB track. This is a pretty major development. You see, ‘NSYNC & BSB are *not* friends. Or at least, they weren’t originally. I think that, over time, they bonded over the fact that they were both cheated by Lou Pearlman. In the beginning, though, BSB were upset because they felt that Lou was just trying to capitalize on their fame so soon after they hit it big with “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”. Then, the shit really hit the fan when ‘NSYNC’s No Strings Attached album set the U.S. record for album sales in one week (2.4 million). If you look back, you’d say that ‘NSYNC came out on top, via a door opened by BSB. Everyone likes to go back to the NKOTB/New Edition era, but love ‘em or hate ‘em, BSB begat the 21st century wave of boyband pop.

Here’s where it gets tricky, though. People never realize that Lou simply recruited guys. He didn’t recruit groups. There were all these young guys, working at theme parks in Orlando, and he’d snatch them up. So, he’d have a stable of guys, and he’d just shuffle the arrangement to see what worked best. We almost had BSB with Chris Kirkpatrick, Nick Carter, Howie D. & AJ. Phoenix Stone was in BSB, and then spun off as a solo guy (who went on to do nothing major but a Jenny Jones performance). And those are the major successes; people sometimes forget Take 5 (“Shake It Off”), Lyte Funky Ones AKA L.F.O. (“Summer Girls”), O-Town (Making the Band 1), Natural (provided Bart & Milhouse’s singing voices on the boyband ep of the Simpsons), C-Note…With this is mind, they’re all the same guys, doing the same thing. Some just came out sooner than others. Once again, though, ‘NSYNC come out on top. Not only were they able to diversify their sound with the times, but they also had more “after-group” success, with JT becoming Pop Jesus, saving pop music, and vowing to return one day to take us all to pop heaven, where he’ll rock our bodies to the break of day…

“Never underestimate the healing power of a blonde, Miss Potts.”

I’m still not feeling the San Diego recap, as work’s kinda kicking my ass right now. So, here’s a fill-in post about a few random things on my mind lately:

-Why did no one tell me The Two Coreys had started? In some ways, it’s better than I thought it would be. In others, it’s not as good as I thought it would be. I still find it hilarious that Haim doesn’t have a driver’s license. That’s like learning Cusack never owned a boombox.

-I just know that, somewhere, Rihanna’s saying, “‘Pon de replay! Stop fucking wit ma song!” Right now, there are more versions of “Umbrella” than stars on the flag. For starters, she had no clue there was gonna be a Jay-Z intro. She says that the first time she heard his contribution was the first time that she heard the finished song, and it took her by suprise. Then, Scott Simon covered it.Then, the Chris Brown “Cinderella Remix” popped up. Then, Marie Digby covered it, as heard on The Hills. Then, Mandy Moore covered it, with it sounding exactly like Marie’s version.

-Speaking of The Hills, Spencer’s proposal to Heidi was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on TV, scripted or reality. That dude is such a douchebag. I can’t even stand looking at him. If there’s any doubt as to the scripted nature of that show, rewatch the season premiere, and pay attention to Heidi’s reaction. That, my friends, was scripted.

-The Celebrity Roast for Flavor Flav was pretty awful. The Shatner one was good, as was the one for Pamela. Flav, not so much. The funniest part was when Greg Giraldo told Flav that he looked like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape. Maybe it’ll be better when they show it uncensored in The Secret Stash.

-Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d write: Has anybody seen the Chris Brown video where he turns into a vampire and dances with those little boys outside of the Power Rangers’ old Command Center?

-I need to start actually calling people, and stop all this text bullshit. You know it’s gone too far when Verizon texts you to tell you that you’ve gone over your texts…The worst part about texting is that there’s no “goodbye”. You can be flirting along, and then….nothing. It’s like the phone commercials where the calls drop. “Did I say something wrong? Was that too far?” Nothing. And then, 2 weeks later, you get another text like nothing happened. I can’t live like this anymore!

-No, Timbaland, I can’t handle you the way you are, mainly because you keep giving it to me every 20 minutes. I’m really tired of this summer’s radio being dominated by the “Timbers”, ‘land and ‘lake.

-They’re really making a Flavor of Love 3? Come the fuck on…

-I think Denzel has finally made a movie that I’d want to see. Go watch the trailer for American Gangster!

-Jeff Timmons is getting on my last nerve on Mission: Man Band. He’s “pulling an Ikaika” (10 points to anyone who understands that reference) with the whole “I don’t want to be here” routine. Dude, nobody begged you. As far as 98 Degrees rankings go, you were #3, behind both Lacheys, but before the old, weird, ugly bass. Since that group folded, you’ve done one infomercial and your wife left you. When they introduced you on Man Band, you lived with your parents. Cut the shit and start singing. You need this, bitch.

-The NBC special on the Beckhams just reignited my fire for Victoria. Never cared much for David, as he lacks personality. Posh, though, was always my #2 Spice. She’s still #2, but it’s because she’s clawed her way back up the ladder. And that feat, to put it in her terms, is simply may-juh!

-I have an almost unhealthy obsession with Drake & Josh right now. They’re funny guys, it’s scary how much weight Josh lost over the course of the show, plus their sister is played by the little bitchy girl from School of Rock. I forgot how good Nickelodeon shows could be…

-Anybody seen Topanga’s weight loss commercial? Damn, I’d like to get me some of those pills!

-If somebody calls you first thing in the morning, offering free roses and whatnot, don’t fall for it. In the words of Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!” It’s a radio station, and your girl already knows you’re cheating on her. Just hang up and handle your shit off the air. That said, “War of the Roses”, on Hot 99.5 (and various other stations across the country), is my favorite form of morning entertainment. I do think, however, it’s the kind of thing that gets morning DJ’s sent to Hell. Just sayin’…

-TV Land’s Back to the Grind is the best idea in ages. If you haven’t seen it, they take an actor from an old TV show, and they make him perform the job of his character to see if he could really pull it off. For example, Night Court‘s Harry Anderson actually had to be a judge for a day, and WKRP‘s Loni Anderson actally had to be a receptionist for a day. Priceless.

-Anne Hathaway, if you’re reading this, could you please try to do more movies set in the present? I get it, you like period pieces, but you’re gonna get typecast. So far, you’re good at playing princesses, frumps, and frumpy princesses. And there’s that straight-to-dvd flick where you showed your tits. Otherwise, I’m gonna need to see some diversity out of your roles, honey. After all, this is your job we’re talking about!