Back & Fourth: My Journey Into The Classroom
In my attempt to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I've found myself saddled with watching a 4th grade class during their lunch period. First, let's roll it back a little. You see, the school where I work had 2 campuses. That quake that everyone made fun of for being weak and puny? Well, it destroyed our second campus. We've all been under one roof for the past 2 months, but our board just decided to call it a day, and officially made us one school. This also resulted in 25 staff members being laid off. But still we move forward or some jazz. So, we all gotta pitch in like the war effort, and I've been given Mrs Doubtfire duty (I dress like a woman for kicks). What I found, however, is that it's not that bad. I mean, fourth graders are almost like real people. It's really fascinating. They don't even eat their meals out of feed bowls. I tell ya, I'm learning all sorts of Discovery Channel shit from this! So, since I had them at my disposal, I figured I'd try to get to know them - ya know, really get into the head of a typical 4th grader in America.
First up, they're all really into werewolves and vampires. Half the class has already read Twilight, which is shocking and sad at the same time. I asked if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. They totally had some opinions there. Predominantly, however, it seems to be a werewolf skewing class. In fact, yesterday they explained to me how they'd been sired. Apparently, Sean was bitten, and then he scratched Mike, who then bit Carter, and so on. I can't wait to hear their thoughts on cooties and the AIDS epidemic. Anyway, I asked if their parents every caught them turning into werewolves at night. They said no, but that a few of their parents suspected they might be werewolves.
Next, they showed me a Scholastic book that was a Who's Who of the monster scene. I'm talking chupacabra, vampires, werewolves, snakewomen harpies, the works! When we got to the page of a succubus, Ken said "That's my girlfriend right there." "Oh, really?" I asked. "How did you two meet?" He said "Well, she was sick and in the hospital. I turned her into a vampire and saved her." Kid never missed a beat. Like Kenneth from 30 Rock, "In 5 years, we'll either be working for him, or dead by his hand."
Today, I asked them about the movies they'd seen recently, which they'd always counter with a "Did you see ____?" One girl told me that she had seen Black Swan. Yes, THAT Black Swan. I asked who let her watch that thing, and she said she'd watched it with her grandpa. I asked her what she thought of it. I loved her response: "It was scary...and inappropriate." From the mouths of babes!
Since they were the correct demographic, I decided to allow them to settle an online debate for me: what did they think of Power Rangers Samurai? After all, adult fans hate it, but it's not for us. It's for the kids. Apparently, and I quote, "Power Rangers Samurai is the most awesome Power Rangers ever!" Keep in mind, they also lost their collective shit when I mentioned Supah Ninjas. Plus, I don't trust any kid that doesn't watch iCarly (half of the class is comprised of girls, and none of them watch iCarly!).
I also found out that WAY too many of them are watching Family Guy, American Dad, and The Boondocks. I told one, "You're too young for The Boondocks!" he just shook his head and said "I know. When I go over to my cousin's house, he's always watching it."
Once we got on the topic of animation, one of them mentioned The Simpsons, which one girl called "the most boringest show in the history of ever."
So, it looks like The Cos was right - kids really DO say the darnedest things! Anyway, I figure if I've gotta be stuck with them, I might as well use them for comedy material. Tune in next time, when we tackle comics, video games, and Nicki Minaj!
Thrift Justice – Strapped For Cash
I've got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I'm still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I've picked up recently. Let's jump right in, shall we?
First up, we've got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don't really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I've ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don't have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don't really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.
I love the Power Rangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I've been tracking down old morphers like it's my job. I'm not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I've been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they're models that came out after I stopped buying, so I've been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.
My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn't jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn't ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!
This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I've been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn't come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I'm still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.
I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I'd wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don't care. Referred to as "The Strap" by the professionals, I'd always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I've yet to win the lottery, so I don't have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they're Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I'm honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I'd NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That's more my speed.
I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I'm probably America's biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn't want these at $10 apiece. I'm pretty sure they didn't cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and 'NSYNC merchandise isn't really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.
Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!
Book Report – Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry
This will come as a surprise to no one, but I used to want to work in the toy industry. Yeah, I did the whole 10 years at Toy "R" Us, but I also chose my college major in the hopes of landing a position at Kenner (hey, it was still around then!) or Mattel. My major was early childhood development, with a focus on play and interaction. Since there was no real "toy curriculum", I figured knowledge of how children go about playing would point me in the right direction. I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out that toy companies want *designers*. Instead of trying to make educational toys that look pretty, toy companies attempt to make pretty toys that seem educational. Like with dating and job interviews, looks come first. I did, however, manage to snag an internship at a small specialty toy company in Chicago, called Manhattan Toy. Now, during my time at TRU, I'd learned that I didn't really care about ALL toys - I just loved aisles 6D and 7D. So, when this small stuffed animal company came along, brash 19-year old me blew it off and jetted of to London. By the time I graduated, I started to realize my dream may not come true. Then came Diamond.
Many people may not realize this, but Diamond has a toy team. Sure, most of the focus is on comics, but they're also the ones responsible for getting those overpriced toys and busts to your local comic shop. Sadly, the extent of Diamond's toy decisions are usually something like "How can we get Kotabukiya to give us a great price on these Slutty Sakura statues?" By this point, I was already pretty much over the idea of working in the toy industry. I'd already been a brand manager, albeit in the comic world, and I was really just tired of the sense of entitlement. I didn't wanna shift over to DST, 'cause a lot of those guys were asshats. Don't get me wrong - like anything, there were some cool folks, but there were also quite a few douchebags. So, there ended my toy dream. Or so I thought. The moment I cracked open Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry, it all came rushing back to me. This might sound like hyperbole, but I feel this book should be required reading for anyone with an interest in the business side of toys. If you ever want to bitch about Mattel's distribution, or wondered why NECA picked up a particular license, or needed to know how toy marketing and development actually work, you MUST READ THIS BOOK.
Toyland, by Sydney Ladensohn Stern and Ted Schoenhaus, primarily follows the creation, development, and release of Tyco's Dino-Riders toyline. Along the way, however, they provide a great history of the industry - citing major players, as well as the stories behind all of the major toy companies. Published in 1991, many of the companies have since merged or folded, but that doesn't change any of the history. I got the book about 8 years ago at a used book store, but never really got into it as I didn't have a lot of attachment to the Dino-Riders line. To be honest, I didn't even remember it being successful. Now, I clearly see that I was wrong.
I don't want to give away all of the good parts, so I'll just give you a sample of what's inside:
-Sure, you knew about Toy Fair, but did you know about "pre-Toy Fair"?
-Toy companies, while always looking for the next hit, do better with "staples". In fact, a success could actually be detrimental, as they may be unable to keep up with demand - which is what drove Worlds of Wonder out of business following supply problems with Teddy Ruxpin and Lazer Tag. Hasbro's acquisition of Milton Bradley helped them stay afloat in lean years, as board games are staples.
-Mattel was considered the "University of Toyland", as many of its alums have gone on to lead other companies in the industry, bringing Mattel's systems, terminology, and practices along with them. Most other toy companies ran like family businesses, but Ruth and Elliot Handler built Mattel into the first professional toy operation. Then, they were ousted for fraudulent stock claims, and Mattel eventually became the model of how NOT to run a toy company. Still, it's nice to read about what it was like before it sucked.Due to its position in the industry at the time the book was written, much of the book serves as an "official history of Mattel".
-It's believed that Jem dolls ultimately failed because she was created in a different scale than Barbie. Had they been the same size, they could've shared clothes and accessories, despite coming from different companies.
-It's somewhat amazing to read about the conception of Dino-Riders, and then follow along as it evolves into a completely differrent animal. By no means was the end result what the creators had envisioned, but it was close enough that they could still be proud that their idea ended in a finished product - something few can say.
- Of course a big chunk of the book is about how toy companies felt sidelined when home computing and video game systems came on the scene in the early 80s.
-While the Teddy Bear was originally seen as a fad named for Theodore Roosevelt, it was expected to be replaced by Billy Possum, named for William Taft. Apparently, Taft had eaten roast possum on a trip to Atlanta, but there was no demand for the product.
-When Stanley Weston invented G.I.Joe for Hasbro, the normal inventor's fee was 5% of net wholesale revenue. Hasbro, however, cited high development costs and only offered Weston 0.5% . Weston countered with 3%, and Hasbro offered him 1% - prompting Weston to sue. In a private meeting before the 1964 Toy Fair, Hasbro asked Weston if they could just buy the concept from him outright, as they felt they were taking a gamble. Eventually, Weston agreed to sell for $100,000. Had he kept the original deal, he would've made $150,000 on the first year alone. Weston, however, wasn't too upset, and had this to say: "I've been married and divorced twice. If I'd had all that money I probably would've been divorced four times instead of two."
-Hasbro's problems surrounding Flubber deserve an entire book of their own. Long story short, a massive Flubber recall resulted in the supply being buried under Hasbro's parking lot, which has pushed the property about 2 inches higher than the rest of the site.
-My Little Pony was the result of market research where Hasbro asked little girls "What do you see when you go to bed and close your eyes?"
-In the great GoBots vs Transformers debate, Tonka's development team felt they were doing kids a favor by simplifying the transformations, while later research indicated that kids enjoyed the more complex transformations of the Transformers line.
-Toy companies seem to have more moles than a season of 24, which results in specs and samples being leaked to bootleggers and the competition. Most companies, however, take it as proof than they're onto something big if other are that interested in stealing the idea.
-Xavier Roberts, creator of the Cabbage Patch Kids, is an eccentric genius. He was an artist first and foremost, making him a terrible businessman.
-There's a goof chunk about the deregulation of the 80s, leading to the Program Length Commercial. It also into the deals that were cut between television stations and syndicators. For example, Lorimar syndicated Thundercats. If a station agreed to air the cartoon, they would get a percentage of LJN's Thundercats toy sales.
-There's a great comparison between the business practices of Toys "R" Us, Kay-Bee, and FAO Schwartz. Two of these companies don't exist any longer, and the remaining one doesn't look like it did then. Still, it's an interesting snapshot in time.
Anyway, I've teased enough. If you're interested in the business of the toy industry, I highly recommend Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry. How do you get it? I dunno. Do I look like Barnes OR Noble? Maybe it's on bit torrent or Amazon or something. Geez, I can't do everything for you!
Why Starfleet?
Yes, this began as a late night Twitter rant last week, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized a full blog post would give me a reason to play with MS Paint.
As some of you may know, I've been a Star Trek fan for most of my life. Back in middle school, my friends and I had the Star Trek Encyclopedia, as well as any tech guide or manual that Simon & Shuster decided to put out. We were the ones watching all those Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns that used to clog up Channel 20's schedule. As I got older, however, my pallet began to prefer more mature tastes, such as Power Rangers and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I gave up the ghost during Voyager, and I've only seen a handful of Enterprise. That said, you can take the boy out of Trek, but you can't take the Trek out of the boy. My brain's still full of a lot of useless 24th century knowledge, and every now and then I find myself trying to make sense of it. During an usual bit of insomnia last week, I found myself wondering why, exactly, a human would even want to join Starfleet.
For those not in the know, in the Star Trek Universe, Starfleet is the "Space NATO" to the United Federation of Planets' "Space UN". Its members are predominantly human, and it is headquartered in Fort Baker, California. While Starfleet's primary mission is to explore and seek out new life, things can get pretty tense out in space. Between wars with Cardassians, or lethal electrical feedback, there's no shortage of danger for a Starfleet officer. Based on current economics and world affairs, I find myself wondering what would inspire a human to join an outfit like Starfleet, as the risks seem to outweigh the rewards. Let's take a closer look at a few things.
Money: In today's society, a big reason that people enlist in the Armed Forces is money. Whether they want to provide for their families with their signing bonus, or get in on some of that G.I. Bill money, the financial benefits entice many into joining the service. This, however, isn't true for the Starfleet cadet. You see, the 24th century is based on what has been called "The New World Economy". For all practical purposes, Earth has done away with poverty and hunger, but it has also done away with currency. As a sidebar, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. Whenever I'm looking for work, people always ask me "Well, what would you want to do if money weren't an issue?" I HATE this question because money is ALWAYS an issue. I just can't wrap my head around that not being the case. I know that there are people who can, and God bless 'em, but that's just not me. So, that's why I have a hard time understanding why you'd want to go out in space, and risk getting tubes shoved in your ass and ear holes by a bunch of space zombies if there's no financial gain. That's too much danger to just write off as "the cost of exploration"!
Sex: Could the lure of Space Pussy be enough to get you to join up? But could you imagine the STDs out there? Or will a hypospray just clear that right up? Also, note that I said Space Pussy and not Space Dick, because the future doesn't seem too bright for women - utopia be damned. If you're a young, single woman in Starfleet, you'll end up phasing through the floor or being killed by a large sentient oil spill. And don't even try to be a gay male! Over the 40 year franchise, we've seen men in miniskirts (the "skant") & go-go boots, but we were still led to believe that they liked the minge. Have they ever shown a homosexual on Star Trek? The closest they got was that androgynous race, and Riker still couldn't help himself from giving one of them a bunch of confusing urges. Otherwise, the only gay icons of the 24th century were Major Kira, Tasha Yar, and Harry Kim. No, they never confirmed this, but c'mon...
Technology: If you're a tech geek, then Starfleet is probably a dream come true. You could join Starfleet Engineering and test out all of the gadgets that you used to read about on your PADD before mandatory lights-out at the mining colony where you grew up. There's a lot of leeway for experimentation, and there's no battle for patents and ownership 'cause there's no money to be had. The worst part, however, is when that technology backfires on you. I'm going to go with the simplest case here. You see, during space battles, the ships are protected by shields. When those shields are struck, it results in electromagnetic feedback that sometimes shoots out of the ships consoles and control panels. Many a Starfleet officer has been killed while simply sitting at his station during the wrong battle. When you graduate from the Academy, they might tell you to watch out for The Borg, but you'll find that you risk your life just by simply walking down the hall. Observe (the fun starts at 01:18):
Meeting New Races: It might sound exciting to meet a new race of beings, but some of them have some crazy beliefs that you have to put up with. Sure, we've got the Scientologists and the vegans, there's one 24th Century-era race that will KILL YOU IF YOU STEP ON THE FLOWERS! Did I also mention that they worship a giant space chandelier? Aside from little quirky things like that, sometimes you just deal with some straight up, fucked up shit:
Supporting Your Government: OK, I get it. There's no money to be had, you're not that into green chicks, and you don't really mind phasering giant space slugs. Then, what is your incentive? Oh, maybe you're just really patriotic. After all, your government (which now commands a network of planets rather than just Earth) has created a society in which you are taken care of, and given a chance to be a tool of discovery. Why wouldn't you want to support a governing body like that? Well, maybe it's because the United Federation of Planets is just as shady as today's governmental bodies.
First off, there's Section 31, which is The Federation's version of the CIA. Nobody talks much about them, as very few people know that they exist. Not only do they exist, but they've had their hands in everything from the Temporal Cold War to the outlawed genetic enhancements that were performed on humans, like Dr Bashir. You may think everything's well and good, but your government still doesn't trust you, even in the 24th century. Also, their tactics are questionable, as they engage in full-scale, Jack Bauer level torture. They ended a war by eradicating an entire race. For Section 31, no one is off limits, so they might come for you one day.
On top of that, there's all the shady stuff that the Federation does to coerce non-member planets into joining. The sheer existence of a bunch of space hippies like the Maquis proves that not everything that the Federation does is liked by all. Sure, you can't please everyone all of the time, but the Star Trek Universe is based on the assumption that you not only can, but you have. So, why are The Maquis so mad?
So, I know it's science fiction, and I really shouldn't overthink it, but I'm just starting to think that the Star Trek Universe posed more questions than it answered. When I was 5, I used to weep at the fact that I'd never live to see the creation of Starfleet. I mean, even if I did, it would've been the crappy, Kirk-era Starfleet, and I don't get down with The Original Series. After some careful thought, however, I'll take capitalism, with its non-exploding walls and curable-by-penicillin-STDs, any day! The future's just not for me, but I hope my great, great, great grandson, Hyperflex Westion IV, is a better man than I am, and will find a reason to beam up.
5 Corners of Pop Culture That I Don’t Understand
Yeah, so I go around boasting that I know so much about pop culture, but even I have my blind spots. For example, I'm not much of a movie guy. I've never been one for going to movies, and I used to just tell myself "I'll catch it when it comes on TV". As a result, there are tons of movies that have become modern day classics (Titanic, Shrek, Avatar) that I've never seen. So, don't recruit me for your trivia team if you need a Movie Guy. Outside of movies, though, there are 5 particular areas of pop culture that I just don't "get".
Now, I'm not exactly trying to be controversial, but I just know I'm opening the gates for a flame war. That said, I'm not necessarily saying there's anything wrong with these five things, but they just don't really hold much meaning for me. If you can think of a way to change my mind, or can point out great aspects that I've missed, then I certainly invite you to do so. This isn't a bash session, but rather a cry for help: help me understand the big deal about these things.
1) The Big Lebowski - I've had people tell me "You don't get The Big Lebowski 'cause you're black." Um, OK...That's never really affected my interpretation of movies before (although Bamboozled did make me hate white people for a day or so). Since college, I've had people tell me that Lebowski is the most quotable movie ever, while extolling the virtues of The Dude. It was an entertaining movie, quirky in the vein of Fargo. It's a fine movie, but I don't get the *phenomenon*. I don't get why there are action figures of crew-cut John Goodman and Jeff Bridges looking like stoner Jesus in a bathrobe. I don't get the uptick in White Russian consumption.
In terms of pop culture clout, The Big Lebowski has basically become the White Scarface. Scarface has become somewhat inspirational in urban circles, especially to a generation of rappers. Sure, Tony Montana ends up dead, but before that, he came from nothing and ended up having everything. With that, you can kind of understand why he has become the poster child for those who also come from very little. On the flip side, I don't see anything aspirational about the story of The Dude. They occupy the same levels of pop culture, for different demographics, for different reasons. Maybe those folks were right: I understand Scarface, but I don't understand The Dude. Maybe it is because I'm black...
2) The Muppets - Don't get me wrong: I love Muppet Babies, and the Muppets version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is one of my favorite Christmas songs. That said, I just never really got into the movies. In college, I spent time around a sketch comedy group, and that was the first time I learned how much comedy circles revered the Muppets. Maybe I haven't seen the right movies, and I'm missing out. I just don't get the appeal. In some ways, I think I may have the same issues with the Muppets that I have with Alvin & The Chipmunks - I can suspend my disbelief, but I have a problem with these "creatures" coexisting with humans. The same way that I'm slightly disgusted by the idea that humans girls have the same kind of crushes on 4 foot singing chipmunks as they would on Justin Bieber, I also can't really deal with the Muppets gallivanting around the "real world". Sure, it works for Sesame Street, but I don't see why adults are entertained by this, unless they're high. And yes, do understand the irony of this statement coming from the guy who still watches Power Rangers.
3) Jersey Shore - Sorry, folks. Watching the premiere of Jersey Shore felt like a chore. Everyone who knows my love of bad television thought that I'd simply fall in love with the show, but they were wrong. I think I may have a different threshold than others. It seems that Jersey Shore is a guilty pleasure for quite a number of young professionals who love the show, but would never admit to it. It also seems that quite a few educated people love tuning in. That's great. It's just not my cup of tea. I LOVED the True Life episodes that spawned the show, but I really found nothing likable or engrossing about the cast of Jersey Shore. I did, however, enjoy watching that guy punch the shit out of Snookie 'cause, really, how often do you see something like that? Jersey Shore is like going to the zoo - people feel superior as they ogle the "dumb" animals, but that shit eventually gets old and you find yourself looking for the hot dog cart.
4) Harry Potter - They're cute books. I get that. They're not, however, a worthy basis of what has become a literary juggernaut. Let's rewind a bit, though. I missed the genesis of the Harry Potter phenomenon because I was somewhat off the grid. I went to Summer College at Cornell the summer that the first book started picking up steam. Now, if you're not familiar with Cornell or Ithaca, its almost like its own little world. Generally, you have to really seek out information from the "outside world", or else you won't know of anything outside the Ithaca city limits. These were the early days of the internet, and there was no social networking just pushing information at you. When I got back to civilization, I started hearing rumblings of this "Harry Potter" thing, but really didn't know what folks were talking about.
A big reason that I was resistant to Harry Potter was that I didn't like the caliber of the early adopters. Sure, everyone reads Harry Potter now, but in the beginning, it was a certain group of people: the kids who weren't allowed to watch TV, who only played with no-name educational toys from mom & pop stores, whose parents drove hybrids. Mainly, Harry Potter was the entertainment of yuppie children, and I hated all that they stood for. I can't ignore what the franchise has done for literacy, which has actually been a great by-product of the phenomenon. It truly got people into reading, and that's the one thing I like about it. That said, I've never found it all that original.
I grew up in a Roald Dahl household, so it was quite obvious when I started seeing his ideas popping up in the Harry Potter books. The extent of most people's knowledge of Dahl is typically Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, and maybe Matilda or James & The Giant Peach. If you've more than just those, however, you'll see what I'm talking about. It angered me that people felt that Rowling's ideas were so groundbreaking, when I'd seen many of them before. For the people who saw where I was coming from, they still brushed me off with a "Well, nothing's original anymore" or "Well, Rowling did a great job putting all of those Dahl concepts into one series". Whatever. Like I said, they're cute books, but I don't see why they took the world by storm.
5) Star Wars - Basically, this comes down to the fact that I grew up with the philosophy that "Trekkies Can't Be Warsies". I latched onto the late 80s Star Trek revival, and that was where I put my focus. Unlike the other things I've mentioned, I "get" Star Wars, but I just don't have the patience for it, nor do I have the desire to learn.
Star Wars just feels downright inaccessible to me. A few years ago, the only stuff that was "canon" consisted of 3 movies (and a holiday special that no one likes to acknowledge). Later on, there were 3 more movies, which was still manageable, especially since the "real fans" hated the new films and flipflopped on whether they acknowledged the events portrayed in them. Then, however, there was the Clone Wars cartoon, which bothers me because you can't get attached to any characters, knowing they're ALL gonna die. Then, there's all the Expanded Universe stuff (which may not be considered canon, but is still held in high regard amongst the hardcore fans) and don't get me started on all the comic series. So, at the end of the day, it's still just 6 movies and some shows, but it feels so much more daunting. In terms of fandom, I like to go ALL IN. You can't just tell me, "Oh, there are these books, but they don't count." If they exist, I'm going to feel like I need to read them and decide for myself if they count. And it's just too much. The same argument could be made for Star Trek, but I got in early on that stuff, while Star Wars got rolling before I was a gleaming "surprise" in my father's eye. I know it's all psychological, but it just feels like being a Star Wars fan requires too much damn legwork. If you've got an "Star Wars in 3 Minutes" primer you want to send me, I'm all ears. Otherwise, I don't think I'm ever gonna have that soft spot for The Force that so many of you seem to have.
So, there you have it. I hope we can all still be friends. I didn't set out to bash the stuff that people hold dear, but I simply wanted to give my impression of these things. I welcome you to try to convince me otherwise, as I will admit that I do feel a bit left out at times. However, I fear that I'll just get a bunch of comments like "Ur a fuckin' moron!" Oh well, at least you're leaving comments!
What The Hell is THIS?!!!
So, I was checking my email yesterday, and something caught my eye. You see, I set up a Google Alert for "Will West" so that I can track comment replies that I receive on blogs that don't send email notification of updates. Sure, this might sound vain, but I learned the trick from someone online, so I'm not the narcissist who thought it up. Anyway, this system rarely works, as the alerts I receive usually have headlines like "Will West Virginia Win The Title?" Thwarted! So, imagine my surprise when I saw "Random House acquires 'Will West: The Epic' by Twin Peaks co-creator Mark Frost"! A blurb found here contained the following info:
The trilogy is a mystery with paranormal elements (in other words, classic Frost) and follows a sheltered boy who’s been told by his parents to avoid the limelight. After Will West lands an unusually high score on a national exam, he is recruited by a little-known prep school and also realizes he is being followed.
Huh?! What?!
After some Google detective work, I found this:
Frost’s Will West combines a sophisticated mystery with furiously-paced action and a twist of the paranormal. In the novel, the title character has spent his entire life trying to avoid any attention at the request of his parents. Then by sheer accident, Will scores off the charts on a nationwide exam and is recruited by an exclusive and somewhat mysterious prep school, the best school no one’s ever heard of, with technology the likes of which no one’s ever seen. At the same time, coincidentally—or not so—Will realizes he’s being followed by men in dark hats, driving black sedans who pose a terrifying threat to his family. What follows is a series of events and revelations that places Will smack in the middle of a millennia old struggle between titanic forces.
How did they find out about my life story?! Who told them?! Better yet, why am I not getting royalties?!
There was no cover available, but I can only assume that it won't look as cool as this:
Origin Zeo
So, when last we met, I recounted the tale of how I discovered my love for comics. Rather, it wasn't love at that point, but was more of a passing curiosity. That all changed when Muddear and I went back to Alabama in 1992. At that point, Cephus and his Winnebago were M.I.A., so we ended up taking an Amtrak sleeper for the trip. I can't read in a car, but I can somehow read in a train. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's back up about 24 hours.
Not much had changed about me in 3 years, so I still needed to be bribed to make the trip. I no longer had the scooter, so I was really worried as to how I was going to entertain myself while down there. Let me paint a picture for you: we live in the COUNTRY. We didn't have an indoor toilet until about 1994. There was no cable, and we lived on the side of the highway. Unless you planned ahead, your days would consist of listening to big rigs, watching The Beverly Hillbillies through screen snow and swatting wasps. So, as you can understand, I NEEDED stuff to take with me!
The night before the trip, my mom and aunts took me to Waldenbooks to stock up on supplies. Now, I should also mention that I had a SERIOUS love for the Hardy Boys at this point, but that's a story for another time. Let's say that I was reading those as voraciously as I currently read comics. So, I intended to pick up some more Hardy Boys volumes, but realized that I had read all of the books that particular store had to offer. I probably threw a fit, because I'm an only child, plus it sounds like something I would do. At that moment, however, I noticed the spinner rack near the register. I was determined to get something, and since I was doing them a favor by going to Alabama with Muddear (or so my little, disillusioned 11 year old mind thought), they could break the rules a bit. I saw a comic on the stands that caught my eye immediately: Superman, but guest starring Robin. Not just that, it was Robin and Superman fighting VAMPIRES!!! In today's industry, that comic would solve all of DC's problems - the true definition of a gateway comic.
So, let's focus on what we were dealing with here: comic book (bad), Superman (good), Robin (inconclusive), vampires (BAD). These were the factors in play in the middle of that mall bookstore. I appealed to Aunt Mary, 'cause she's the kindly one of the bunch, even though she's also the one who would be most opposed to the vampire aspect. I explained that Superman and Robin were FIGHTING the vampires. They were trying to vanquish evil, not become a part of it. Somehow, my Shopping Mall Perry Mason routine won out, and I got the book. Yep, I got the book, but I couldn't really flaunt the cover, which depicted a vampire chick about to bite Superman's neck (yeah, I was also the kid who couldn't have toy guns). I also grabbed some copies of Detective Comics, mainly due to the fact that the covers were innocuous, and "Detective" didn't sound like something that the aunts could argue about. After all, I'd been reading Hardy Boys, and I didn't yet realize that Batman also starred in Detective.
So, I got my comics, and hid them away for the night, fearing my family would change their minds and try to throw them away prior to my departure (similar events had occurred - again, for another time). I swear, the minute our train pulled out of Union Station, I was reading those comics. It was exciting, kinda like when you read your first Playboy - plus, the boobs are roughly the same size in both. It wasn't until I got to the end of the Superman & Robin vs. Vampires adventure that I learned a harsh truth about comic books: the stories don't all end by the end of the book! Up to this point, all the "real" books I had read had completed their narrative by the final page. I'm sorry, but The Cay and Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry didn't end on cliffhangers! How was I supposed to find out how this ended?! I mean, it was hard enough just getting this issue! How would I even go about finding the next part? Did they only sell comics in certain stores? These were the questions going through my head.
A few days after we got to Alabama, we went to Kroger for groceries. While in the store, I saw a spinner rack full of comics. I was still somewhat burned by the fact that my last comic experience had been...incomplete, but I found myself checking out the books. That's when something caught my eye; an issue of Action Comics, with Robin and Superman on the cover, still fighting vampires! Was this the same book? How many Superman books were there? When did this come out? Looking at the title page, I thought I had found the next part of the story! Oh happy day! At this point in my life, I had my own allowance, in addition to the money Muddear had been given for me. I grabbed the Superman book, as well as some more Batman comics and went home to finish my story. Years later, I realized I had read them out of order, and this "miraculous" find was actually Part 1. Why were comics so confusing?!
Over the course of that trip, Kroger visits became more regular, as I was trying to find any reason I could for us to go into town. "Muddear, we need bubble bath." Or "Muddear, I want Spaghetti-O's without the hot dogs in them." I was starting to learn that comics came out on a weekly basis. Sure, there wasn't an issue of Superman each week, but there did seem to be a weekly comic starring Superman, regardless of the title on the cover. I also started stocking up on more Batman comics, as well as G.I. Joe. I had always loved the Joe cartoon, but didn't know there were comics of that, as well. The comics were grittier than the cartoon, and characters actually seemed to die.
I also found myself branching out, gaining interest in different characters. Superman wore thin quickly, but Spider-Man piqued my interest. He was a down-on-his-luck loser, yet he was married to a hot redhead who was always in his corner. The real kicker, however, was the fact that this summer was actually the 30th anniversary of the character's first appearance. This meant that there were several comics that featured hologram covers. I don't know if I've ever expressed this, but I LOVE holograms. Sure, it's a dated "technology", but I wish holograms were on EVERYTHING! Sure, those books were a bit more expensive, but I was getting an extra-sized comic AND a beautiful hologram cover. In my mind, comics just kept getting better and better!
Needless to say, that summer was FILLED with comics, as I couldn't get enough of them! Still, my reading was pretty much isolated to DC characters, and Spider-Man. On the train ride home, one of the porters noticed that I was reading comics, and he started a conversation with me. I remember thinking, "Adults read these things?" I'll never forget that, as it was the first time that I realized that there was a sense of community about all of this. He told me that I should read Marvel comics. I said, "Nah, I'm good with DC." I remember being excited about the thought of new comics, but feared what my mom would say when I got home. Would she allow me to continue with this hobby? Where would I find comics other than the ones at Waldenbooks? Marvel published books other than Spider-Man? These are the mysteries surrounding my homecoming, and we'll touch on that next time.
At Long Last – My Comic Origin!
I've been wanting to write lately, but really haven't had much to write about. I've been to a LOT of comic cons and stores lately, and it made me realize that I've never really explained *how* I got into comics. This isn't just a blog thing, as many of my "in real life" friends don't really know this tale either. So, it got me to thinking, and those memories have brought us here. Let's go for a little ride, shall we?
People never believe this, but I started rudimentary reading at 18 months old. This, combined with the fact that my parents were older, meant that I skipped a lot of "typical" children's literature. I never had any fairy tales, and I missed out on Dr. Seuss. I probably sound like I snob, but I realize that I truly missed out on some classics. Later, I went back and tried to read The Cat in the Hat, but it was too late - the damage had already been done. So, what did I read? Mainly, I read the Style section of the Washington Post. Yeah, there were pictures, but I also learned a LOT about the television industry.
My mom and aunts loved to encourage my reading, so they were always willing to buy books for me. They, however, had to approve of the books, so the covers couldn't show anything demonic, and they couldn't be something that was a "waste of time", like "funnybooks". Anyway, they used to make me go to Alabama for the summer with my grandmother. The thing about those trips was that I HATED going, but ending up loving it once I was there. In any case, I would throw a FIT prior to leaving, so they'd always bribe me with books and toys so that I would "be a good boy for Muddear". Also, Muddear was given money to keep me pacified while down there.
The first time I was sent to Old Dixie was 1989, and my cousin Cephus (we are from the South!) drove us down in his Winnebago. There wasn't much to do, but I had a scooter, and our front yard had a ditch. If you do the math, you'll realize that I had my own Fat Kid X-Games event going on. I'm still amazed that I never fell in and died - this was a DEEP ditch. I remember, though, during one of my ditch-jump lulls, buying my first comic at the local bait shop. Rather, I didn't pay money for it, but it was bought for me by a cousin during an ice run for a cookout. I can't remember the issue number, but it was a Star Trek comic published by DC. This was during the Original Cast Movie Era, so those were the uniforms they were wearing.
Now, I'm gonna be real honest here: I don't think I ever even read that thing. I mainly asked for it just to see if I could get it. Yeah, I was that kid. Since I hadn't really been allowed to go near "funnybooks", I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Plus, I was as much of a Trekkie as you could be at the age of 8 (I'd been watching TNG since its premiere, and had seen all TOS episodes). Seeing it on the stands, it was familiar to me and that's what I went for. I think it had Klingons in it, but didn't they all back then? I know that comic made the trip back to Maryland from Alabama, but I really don't remember what became of it. I guess it got thrown away during one of Muddear's cleaning jags. The main point is that, while I remember owning it, comics had yet to make any real impact on me. I think I had it more for its connection to Star Trek than for the fact that it was a "forbidden comic book!"
Over the course of the next year, I had another one of those "I wonder if I can get x to buy this comic for me" moments. One Sunday afternoon, my aunt's boyfriend took me to 7/11. It's a long story, but here's the gist of it: Muddear lived on a street in DC that wasn't exactly the nicest. The ice cream truck came through, and I really wanted ice cream, but Muddear was always of the opinion that the ice cream truck was really just selling crack. So, she wouldn't let me near it. I think I cried, and Mr. Jackson (my aunt's bf), who had been doing some work on the house, volunteered to take me to 7/11 for some non-crack ice cream. So, in addition to my Push-Up, I ended up with a Heathcliff comic. Now, I'm not sure if y'all remember, but Heathcliff was the Flavor Aid to Garfield's Kool-Aid. He was not the A-list cartoon cat, but I remembered that his cartoon had a really cool theme song (one that I still find myself singing at times). Plus, the kicker was that he was dressed as Batman on the cover. Now, my whole love of Batman extends back to the Super Powers toy line, as well as syndicated reruns of the '66 show. Surprisingly enough, I had never thought about seeking out Batman comics. This changed all that, as it was the first time I really thought "Wait, Batman started as a comic character, right?" Anyway, I remember that this comic was just a loose parody of the first Michael Keaton movie. Still, it was the first time a comic actually kinda stuck with me, and I still have that book in my collection today. This was not, however, when the collecting bug bit. No, my friends - that happened on the next installment of Will & Muddear's Alabama Adventures, which I'll talk about next time.
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
From The Vault
- Why Starfleet?
- Saved By The Bell: The College Years AKA The Adventures of Loser Zach & AC Sanchez
- Style's 21 Day Wedding Party and I Propose
- An Analysis Of Sex Techniques: DC vs. Marvel
- I Tend To Rant
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