16th Jun2008

Apple Bottom Kids & My Problems With Dawson McAllister

by Will

“Good job, Tila. So you can deep throat a pickle. Then again, you probably have 3 mouths, coming from the planet Orbitron or wherever…”

Kinda scatterbrained right now, so no real cohesive thoughts. Just a bunch of random stuff I need to get out:

Dear Management of Union Jacks:
When did you convert your bar into a weekly Bat Mitzvah? I’m not complaining, as I’m kinda going through a Semitic phase right now. I just wish I’d known, as I could’ve brought a gift or something….

- I wonder how The Turtles feel, knowing there’s an entire generation that only knows their seminal hit as “The Golden Grahams Song”.

- I’ve got a friend who’s dabbling in dating sites, and he’s been keeping me abreast of the things he’s encountered. Apparently, there are a lot of fat women on there who state, outright, that they’re not interested in Black guys. Really? But that’s your biggest demographic! That’s like if I had a rice sale, but said “No Asians”…

-Speaking of “fat”, has anyone seen Kimora lately? She’s getting those front neck rolls, like Florida Evans on Good Times.

-Am I the only one who thinks the chick in the Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos commercial looks like a Ferengi?

-I just saw a 7-year-old wearing an Apple Bottoms t-shirt. First of all, how do I know she was 7? She told me – kids in a toy store tend to be quite talkative. Now, first, I was thinking it was pretty fucked up for Nelly to make an Apple Bottoms KiDs! line. Maybe he should’ve been on trial instead of R. Kelly. After some web research, though, I find there is no such clothing line. So, this unfortunate wardrobe choice was the result of some real shitty parenting on someone’s part.

-Speaking of R. Kelly, it’s amazing how many people on the street were transformed into top gun legal analysts as a result of that trial. From the nightclub to the check-cashing/carryout joint, everyone was spouting phrases like “habeus corpus” and “circumstantial evidence”. It was incredible! People who’ve never given a shit about anything judicial in their lives – we’re talking about people who didn’t even go to their own daddies’ trials! I was mega surprised when Jeff took an intense interest in it. Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if he told me he’d signed up for the LSAT!

-Lately, I’ve come to realize the concept of “stealing a kiss” is nowhere near as cute and romantic as people like to believe. In fact, it’s pretty sad…

-The Average American Male has the most depressing ending I’ve read in years. And I think every man should read it.

-I want to kick Dawson McAllister in the balls. If you’re unfamiliar with the man, he runs a pseudo-Christian radio call-in show for teens (HOT 99.5, after midnight, locally). Think of Frasier Crane’s radio show, but instead hosted by his dad – his crotchety, old retired cop of a dad. This guy is SO out of touch with his audience that I have no idea how he’s been doing this since ’91. The shit that comes out of his mouth… One girl called up, and was telling him how much she loved her boyfriend, but she was scared of getting hurt. Dawson replied, “Yeah, there’s no condom for the heart, huh?” Really?!

Then, his million dollar answer to every question is the “wait a year” response. Your dad hates your Black boyfriend? Here’s Dawson’s response: “You see, this is about respect. You love your dad, but you love your boyfriend. I say you go to your dad, and say, ‘Dad, I love and respect you. I’ll wait a year, and not see Tyquan, out of respect for you. However, in a year, I hope you’ll have thought it over, and will feel differently.’” Wanna go to Iraq and fight for your country, yet your parents don’t condone it? Here’s the Dawson response: “You see, this is about respect…” Yup, he tells him to wait a year. That’s when he even has a response. Half the time, he responds, “Man, I don’t know what to tell ya” or “What do you want from me?” How about some advice, asshole! And don’t get me started on his insensitive playlist. It’s the only place where you can hear a 15-year-old cry over her unwanted pregnancy, followed up by “Buttons” by the Pussycat Dolls…

-And now, for the part of the post that probably only Marcus and Jeff will understand: When it comes to relationships, I think I’m ready for my title shot. I’ve jobbed my entire life. I jobbed with Barry Horowitz. I jobbed with Al Snow. I even jobbed with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. I think I’ve paid my dues, though. I deserve my title shot. It’s my time to step into the ring with Triple H. It doesn’t mean I’ll win. Hell, I don’t expect to win, but I’ve earned my shot. I’m not even talking about a title shot at Wrestlemania or even The Royal Rumble. Shit, I’ll take No Way Out or even Backlash. When it’s all said and done, though, I don’t want to be a jobber anymore. I want my title shot, and that’s the bottom line….

And with that, folks, I leave you. Hopefully, the next post will make more sense to the casual visitor!

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , , , ,
2 Comm
30th Dec2007

2007 Year In Review

by Will

“I just want a moustache, man!”

So, last night, I found myself in the weirdest party environment. This dude got really drunk and then started apologizing to me for slavery. Keep in mind, I’d never met this guy before last night. He claimed he argued my case for his entire Christmas dinner because his family is backwards. I asked why they had such heavy Christmas dinner conversation. I think the worst part was when he said, “Dude, you’re black! I’m so sorry.” Yeah…

I feel like I should do some kind of year-end, best of 2007 post, but I also feel like I said all I needed to in my San Diego Saga. I mean, that was pretty much the highlight of my year, as far as adventures go. Anyway, I think I’ve got a few more things to say about 07, so here goes:

Top Albums of 2007:
Amy Winehouse – Back to Black
Lily Allen – Alright Still
Rihanna – Good Girl Gone Bad
Timbaland – Shock Therapy
The Pipettes -We Are the Pipettes (US Version)
Fall Out Boy – Infinity on High
Maroon 5 – It Won’t Be Soon Before Long
Leona Lewis – Spirit

Honorable Mention
Britney Spears – Blackout
OneRepublic – Dreaming Out Loud
Mark Ronson – Version

Recent Books Read:
Love Monkey, by Scott Mebus: One of the first lad lit books, I was really disappointed by this one. The main character isn’t very endearing, and the story meanders. 9/11 is thrown in for an emotional beat, and it lacks a fulfilling ending.

Don’t Hassel The Hoff, by David Hasselhoff: If you love The Hoff, you’ll love this book. The problem is that the ghostwriter clearly does most of the work, as British terms and spelling seem to trickle in a LOT. At times, it’s hard to believe that Hasselhoff has such a lofty view of himself, but it’s not cocky – he clearly means well, but it isn’t conveyed as innocently as he would have liked.

Phone Sex, by Miranda Austin: Simply put, it’s the autobiography of a phone sex operator. Not as entertaining as one might think. Interspliced are how-to tips for the aspiring phone sex caller (not operator!). It pretty much outlines the process for beginner/first-time phone sex customers. The book wasn’t that juicy, nor did it have an ending. Plus, Austin’s focus on the fact that she wasn’t exactly attractive or anything like her persona kind of chipped away at the mystique. She pretty much confirmed the stereotype of phone sex operators as overweight and unattractive. It’s like David Copperfield coming out and saying, “Hey, magic’s fake!” Why shoot yourself and industry in the foot like that?

How I Paid for College: A Novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship & Musical Theater, by Marc Acito: Very good read. I try to stay away from fiction because I just don’t really care for that in my books, but this one caught my eye by the cover alone. It didn’t turn out like I thought it would, and I found myself wanting to shelve it early on. What I thought would be a cool, modern lad lit tale turned out to be about a mid-eighties story of a bisexual drama student as he struggles to raise his Juilliard tuition. I’ve got to say that I’m glad I stuck with it, as it’s a pretty funny read. Like I said, not what I thought it’d be, but I’m not disappointed.

I just watched two of the most jingoistic movies of the past 30 years: Rocky IV and Starship Troopers. Rocky IV just screams “U! S ! A!”, as it’s steeped right in the middle of the Cold War. I always felt Apollo deserved to die , solely based on his bombastic James Brown-fueled ring entrance. No good could come from such an audacious start. Meanwhile Starship Troopers touts the difference between a citizen and a civilian. It’s all about how your civic duty is to fight, and while the kids are all from Rio De Janeiro, that’s an afterthought considering they all look like Abercrombie gringos. They should really sell these at Best Buy as a “God Bless America” two-pack.

Best New Shows:

Chuck (NBC)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

Favorite Movies of the Year:

Superbad
300
Grindhouse (only the Death Proof half)
Stardust
The Bourne Ultimatum
Black Snake Moan
Live Free or Die Hard
We Own the Night
Spider-Man 3
I Am Legend

You know, people look at me funny when I say this, but if you take out the whole “things come out at night to kill you” aspect, Will Smith’s life in I Am Legend really ain’t all that bad. I think what would drive you mad would be the possibility of survivors. If you notice, he was fine until all this “safe zone” talk. If you thought there was a chance there were others out there, you’d agonize over what might’ve been. But if you decide that you’re the only one left, yet you might be able to cure the converted, that’s a different frame of mind entirely. I already talk to myself, so adding mannequins to the mix wouldn’t really change much. I’ve also wanted to speed through Time Square and use an aircraft carrier as a driving range. It all seemed so tranquil and peaceful. Sure, the rest of y’all would be dead, but “…spilled milk”.

Celebrity of the Year: Britney Spears
Say what you will, no one got more headlines than this crazy chica, and it was a batshit crazy year! Anna Nicole died. OJ returned to his criminal ways. It took 3 months for them to do something with James Brown’s rotting corpse. Lohan spent most of the year in rehab. Imus and the Nappy Headed Ho’s. The Sopranos screwed us over with its “non-ending”. Owen Wilson suicide attempt. Gay Political Airport trysts. A Negro headed for the Democratic nomination. Paris is probably going to lose most of her inheritance. But all of that was trumped by Britney. Anything the world could do, Britney could do trashier. No end in sight for a troop pullout? Who cares? Britney shaved her head! US dollar losing steam on the international landscape? Who cares? Britney’s gonna lose her kids! Global warming’s gonna kill all the polar bears? Who cares? Britney got fat and phoned in her VMA performance! It was a modern-day “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, and Britney was the chorus every time. If someone’s keeping a scrapbook of her escapades, I’m sure they made MANY trips to the Walmart this year to stock up on photo albums!

Award of the Year: Myspace
It’s been a big year for Myspace. They were purchased by Fox, gaining a new lease on life as an inexpensive form of movie publicity. Next, they threw their hat into the Presidential Debate ring. On a more personal note, however, Myspace was *very* good to me and mine this year. I know my boy, K-Bone would agree, as well as several others. In all honesty, I don’t know where my social life or general entertainment would have come from without it. Now, to some people, that might sound sad, but to me, it simply demonstrates the awesome power of the internet. I know that for me and my friends, we salute you, Myspace.

2007 is also the year I started paying attention to song lyrics, so I leave you with this:

So take a bow,
’cause you’ve taken everything else
You played the part,
like a star you played it so well

I will have no problem leaving 2007 behind. Look for a new Will in the coming year. That’s not a resolution; it’s a promise.

See ya in ’08…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , , , , , ,
1 Comm
10th Dec2007

Lindsay Czarniak & “Lad Lit”

by Will

“Nothing beats the hobo life, stabbin’ folks with my hobo knife!”

Man, I couldn’t give a shit about professional sports, but the one thing that could get me interested is Lindsay Czarniak. God, is she amazing! This remark isn’t going to mean much unless you either live in the DC or Miami area, or you used to watch the George Michael Sports Machine. In any case, she has got to be the most beautiful woman in sports broadcasting, and is certainly the most beautiful woman on a DC news team. This month’s Washingtonian Magazine is a treat, as it features Lindsay and Alison Starling (the second hottest woman in DC news), as they tour DC’s hottest happy hours. Give Lindsay more airtime, and I might find out how many touchdowns are in an inning!

So, I’ve been reading a lot of “lad lit” lately. For the uninformed, this is the term given to fiction books that are the male equivalent of “chick lit”. It pretty much started with High Fidelity (well, any Nick Hornby, really), and the ball has been rolling ever since. I actually don’t care much for fiction, as that’s what comics and TV are for. I mean, when reading “real books”, I find that I tend to go more for nonfiction/autobiographical stuff. I’ve always been more of a fan of the “story behind the story”. After all, we are the True Hollywood Story generation. So, it’s only fitting that a nonfiction book would get me started in this genre.

I’ve been on this kick to read at least one “real book” a week. I’ve been knee deep in comics for too long. On top of it, my love of that medium has waned since it became my meal ticket (especially since it’s more like a Happy Meal ticket!). Finally, I just feel like I’m getting dumber. When your reading consists of TMZ, Wizard Magazine, and the latest fare from DC or Marvel, you’re not going to be winning Jeopardy anytime soon (unless it’s Celebrity Jeopardy, in which case you can get all necessary knowledge from a Shoney’s placemat).

I started with millions of women are waiting to meet you: a memoir. Written by British writer Sean Thomas, it details his year entrenched in the crazy world of online dating. You see, he was a writer for Men’s Health, and his boss thought that online dating would make for a good feature story in the magazine. This, of course, was somewhat of a guise. You see, Thomas was 37 years old with no prospects for a wife in sight. All of his friends were married and starting families, while they were all starting to fear for him. They figured he needed a little help, as he wasn’t getting any older, so they stepped up their efforts to keep him from dying alone. Thomas agreed that it would make a good story, so he decided to go along with the plan (it also didn’t hurt that the magazine agreed to pick up the tab for any membership fees he might incur during the story).

Thomas has a specific type, and he views online dating as a way of weeding out those that don’t fit his criteria. After all, the internet was full of millions of women, just waiting to meet the right guy, so he could afford to be picky, right? Wrong. Thomas is that type of neurotic guy, to which I can relate, who does nothing but sabotage his relationships. She’s too tall. She’s too skinny. She doesn’t find my jokes funny. All of these are things that he finds wrong with his dates. As he gets deeper into the online dating scene, Thomas analyzes a lot about himself, and begins to see a pattern in his relationship history. I understood his life so well that I felt I could have written the book myself. Clearly, the whole “manboy” phenomenon isn’t as uncommon as I’d thought: men who are chronologically one age, but simply refuse to grow up.

In the end, he slowly climbs his way back out of the internet, and throws himself back into the real world. Using what he’s learned about himself, he realizes what his friends have see all along: he’s not getting any younger and it’s time to grow up. So, he starts broadening his horizons, and dating women who wouldn’t have previously fit his mold. And what do you know? He finds The One. True story! Yeah, I probably just ruined it for ya, but the people who read this site would either never read that book, or they’ve already read it!

So, feeling like I’d found a kindred spirit, I decided to jump insecurity-first into more books like this. There aren’t a ton of biographies like this because, well, who wants to read about an everyday slacker? However, there’s a wealth of fiction dedicated to this, and that’s where I headed next. My first stop on the lad lit train was Booty Nomad. It had been recommended to me in the past, plus I’d read good reviews about it when it was first released. Unfortunately, it’s been out of print for the past year or so, and I had to figure out the fast-paced world of Amazon to procure it (yes, when it comes to the internet, I can be a troglodyte at times! Who knew how kickass making a wish list could be?). Contrary to what the the title would ahve you believe, the main character is not Jamie Foxx or Bill Bellamy. Written by Scott Mebus, our protagonist is David, a children’s show producer who’s trying to get his mojo back after breaking up with “The Eater of Souls”. They’d had a beautiful 2-year relationship, but she was just too young, and he realized that she was’t exactly what he wanted. While they had great memories behind them, he always felt that something was missing. After a bit, she was no longer cute and sweet. At least, not in his eyes. He began to see her insecurity and her flaws, and he simply saw that she was taking more from him than she gave. He got out, but she was persistent in trying to get back together. She’d leave him several voicemail messages a day, while also harassing his friends to see if he still spoke of her.

David tries to get back into the swing of things, to get over The Eater as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that his lack of closure is getting in the way of things. This becomes apparent when he meets “The Goddess”, a beautiful, witty chick he meets at a party. He beings to obsess over and really wants to make things work out, despite a somewhat foot-in-mouth introduction. At the same time, The Goddess is going through a break-up of her own. As a result, they sort of become each other’s “break-up sponsors”. He’s got feelings for her, as she has for him, but she tells him that it’s too soon for either of them to act on them. Throughout the course of the book, he pursues her, she plays hard to get, and the crazy ex keeps demanding an audience so that she can finally tell him how she feels about him.

The Eater ranges from wanting to tell him off to wanting to prove to him why they should get back together. In the end, based on encouragement from his friends, David decides to grant The Eater her chance for closure. After all, if he’s truly over her, then what does he have to lose? Well, as he sits there, reliving their relationship, listening to her side of things, he finds that he’s actually getting the closure that he hadn’t realized he needed. He begins to see their relationship in a new light. According to her account of things, it was apparent that she loved things he’d done for her, rather than him. She said she knew she loved him when he took care of her on a sick day or sent her flowers, but these were things that could have been done by any guy. There was nothing about him, as far as his qualities, that influenced her love. Once again, he noticed that she was self-centered, and equated love as a feeling she had for those who catered to her. Her love was conditional. Once this revelation opened his eyes, he found that he was ready to go out and conquer the world again. He let The Eater have her say, he got up, left, and noticed that the world looked a little different than it had looked before. And did he end up with The Goddess? No. You see, she’d had “a relapse”, and ended up sleeping with her ex. She just wasn’t ready to move on, nor did she seem like she wanted to. David understood this, but sh’d lost her Goddess rank by that point. From then on, she was simply “Relapse Girl” (David has a thing with nicknames; he’s too in-his-head to remember names, so he makes up nicknames for the women in his life). He’s not sad about it, though, as he’s a little more optimistic now that he knows he can truly move on now.

Reading these books back to back, it was almost as if they were written by the same guy. Witty dialogue, shared experiences, and similar outlooks on life are what made these books enjoyable for me. I really like that David worked for a puppet show. It was one of those jobs where he didn’t know how he’d fallen into it, but it’s the job that he had. It’s not what he wanted to do, but it wasn’t hard, he was fairly good at it, and it was easier than trying to make a life plan. In the meantime, anybody with a “real job” would always think his job sounded so cool. “Wow, you work with puppets? That must be so fun!” Sure, it might sound fun if you’re a receptionist or even an attorney. “Fun” is society’s way of saying “not difficult”. It can be quite difficult and draining, but nobody seems to think that because it’s comic boo…I mean, puppets. See? I told you I related to a lot of it…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , ,
0 Comm
06th Jul2007

Harry Potter Asshole, Comics Lifestyle, iPods, and IDE Tags

by Will

“You’re way too beautiful girl, that’s why it’ll never work…”

I’m kind of phoning it in today, so you know what that means: random post.

-I’m trying not to talk shit about people behind their backs. Now, I try to say it to their face. It might be dick, but at least I keep it real. Here’s a fun example: after the librarian free-for-all a few weeks ago, I had dinner with a few “book people”, including a former honcho at Scholastic. The conversation turned to the Modern-day Messiah himself, Harry Potter. Whenever this comes up, I always try to stay out of the conversation. That’s the best way to stay out of trouble. But I’d had too much Pinot, so silence wasn’t an option. If I remember correctly, I came out with a, “Hey, it’s a cute little book and all, but I don’t get how it’s taken the world by storm.” It was beautiful. James & Marcus probably understand the feeling, but it’s basking in your own confrontation. You pushed the right button, and you’re enjoying the swell before the fallout. Being an asshole for asshole’s sake.

But in either the smartest or dumbest move of my career, I managed to spin it ever so successfully. After the shock and silence subsided, I swooped in with the follow-up. “Not to take anything away from the franchise, as I appreciate everything Potter has done for literacy. It’s just that, reading the thing, there was too much of a sense of ‘been there, done that.’” And they totally agreed with me. That’s when I went for the cherry. “I’m a huge Roald Dahl fan, and it offends me that Rowling is a billionaire, using pretty much his ideas, while he died a penniless, suspected child molester.” Let’s just say that the conversation totally swung back in my favor, and I was the belle of the ball. I shit you not. I’d go into more detail, but I really don’t want this anecdote showing up on Bookslut or something. I think I saw a glimmer of my future that night, so I certainly did something right.

It’s bad enough that I’m seen as the Antichrist for not liking a children’s book about a boy witch. Oh, I’m sorry. Wizard. Semantics. It mainly shocks people because I supposedly love all things childish. “Oh, it’s a kids thing? Will would love that!” I do, but even I have my limits. I guess I’m just a snob that way. I’d probably love the series had it not blown up like the Death Star. It’s the same way I abandoned Snow Patrol, 24, and Queer Eye when all they became all popular. I don’t like hype.

-Sometime I love my job, and sometimes I hate my job (yes, I realize everyone feels this way):
Love my job: got paid today
Hate my job: actually looked at the check
Love my job: debated the timeline of G.I.Joe, as it’s actually “work related”
Hate my job: while that conversation was going on, I got about 10 e-mails that could be considered “emergencies”
Love my job: It’s comics. Woot!
Hate my job: Yeah, this is gonna do wonders for that business school application
Love my job: It’s comics, yay!
Hate my job: which forced me to move back home with my mom, setting me back about 4 years psychologically

Fucking comics…

iPod Randomness:
-For some reason, I have about 8 different versions of This I Promise You. Don’t ask me why. It’s not like it was a hot party song, nor were there any remixes other than the Spanish version, Yo te Voy. Wait, I have that, so make it 9 versions. And many of them are live. And it’s not a song that changes much when sung live. That’s a sign of taking boyband fandom too far.

- I have a shitload of Peter Cetera. I remember going through a phase during senior year of Cornell, but I didn’t think I kept all of that stuff. I didn’t even know he had that many songs.

-My iPod really loves Carly Simon. And it’s funny because I only have 3 CS tracks. That’s it. And they’re all variations on the same song. I get it. Something is coming around again: this fucking song! I think it’s the song that comes up the most during shuffle.

-I’ve got a ton of California Dreams songs that are of a quality so low that I should be ashamed to even have them. Not that possessing CD songs isn’t shameful enough. I converted these to mp3 from some Real Audio files I found on someone’s website years ago. The sad thing is that they recorded them by placing a tape recorder up to the TV. So, you can guess that what I’ve got is per-it-ty shitty. But, what can I do? A nigga loves his California Dreams…

-My ‘pod glitched up on me the other day, so even though it was on random, it was playing songs in the exact order it had played them the day before. So, for awhile, I actually thought I had ESP. I was going, “The next song will be Always.” And it was! It wasn’t until about 15 songs in that I figured out what had happened. Or maybe I willed those songs to play. The world may never know.

-You certainly reap what you sow. I have always boasted about how I never pay for music, I get all my tracks from German porn sites, etc, but there’s a downside to this. No, I’m not talking about viruses. I’m talking about IDE tags. You see, when a song is encoded, it is usually assigned an IDE code, which is essentially its name. It’s the thing that, if you bought the song from iTunes, will make your file show up as “Last Call – Drops of Jupiter – Vestosterone”. In a perfect world, the IDE tag will tell you artist, song, and album. This is pretty standard on all legal, copyright protected downloads. BUT, if you get your files illegally, from some weird download site, you’re subject to all kinds of bad IDE tags. Sometimes, a song name might be in Cantonese, so you’ve just got a bunch of symbols and squiggles because they didn’t translate properly. Sometimes, you’ve got an Aretha Franklin song with the IDE tag “Big Old Fat Bitch”. And the problem with the illegal files is that you can’t change the tags (at least not without a ton of unnecessary work), so these don’t organize well in iTunes. So, the upside is I got a hot album for free, but the downside is that I can never find the damn thing because the IDE tags are all fucked up. Sometimes, they’ll even split an album. The first few tracks are by “Fall Out Boy”, while the second half of the album is by “Fallout Boy”, and iTunes doesn’t see fit to link the two. I need to look into a solution for this, as the bulk of my mp3s are from the days before the term “legal download” was even coined.

OK, that’s enough rambling for now…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , , , ,
0 Comm
25th Jun2007

My Adventures At The American Library Association Conference

by Will

“Root Beer: The White man’s ‘Orange Drink’!”

Alas, the 21 days are over. No more wedding party. I was up until 3 this morning, watching I Propose. Why the Hell am I doing this to myself…

In any case, I spent my Saturday meeting clients at the American Library Association Conference at the convention center. Now, my first thought was, “Who’s manning the libraries?!” I mean, every librarian in North America had to be at this thing. I think they were expecting around 30,000 people. Let me say, conferences are funny because you’ve got nothing but a ton of people supporting every stereotype that you’ve ever held about a specific group. Librarians? Everything you’ve heard about them is true!

Many of them are young, hot, and naughty. They look at you like they want to take you in the stacks and have you mess up their Dewey decimal system. That may be true, but many of them are also the contingent that’s older and more lunchlady-like. The kind of woman to teach you to read with Dr. Seuss , as you sit, Indian-style, on a rug. The kind of grandmotherly woman who might stroke your hair as she’s reading NFL Huddles to you (Did anybody else read that series? In kindergarten, there was always a list to check out that series. I hated football, but you bet your ass I was on that list!) Spank me! No, read to me! No, talk dirty to me! Yes, I know there’s no talking in the library! A place like that can be murder on a person’s hormones.

When you work in the small press, you learn to go straight to the back of the room ’cause that’s where your people are going to be. It’s kinda like the Jim Crow days. Not Marvel or DC? Back of the bus, Colored! Anyway, I met a couple of my vendors for the first time, and I ran into one that I met at my first show (SPX), back in October. He didn’t recognize me at first, and he says to me, “I don’t mean this in a bad way, but did you lose some weight?” I told him that I was the product of the miracle of running and Slim Fast. He told me I looked great, which is never bad to hear. I’ve worked my ass off the past few months, so it’s nice to know that it shows. Anyway, turns out he’s a runner and he was giving me tips on shoes and whatnot. That was certainly the highlight of my day.

Now, back to the librarians. The book world is so different from the comic world. We’re only just beginning to be accepted as “literature”, hence the set up at a show like this. High school and public libraries are jumping on graphic novels like they’re koopa troopas. But the way that indsutry works is just so different. It’s funny to go somewhere and see Scholastic is the cock of the walk. You know, Harry Potter has been amazing for them, but I’m always going to think of them as the book fair/Weekly Reader company. Well, that company makes everyone else their bitch when it’s conference time. If there’s one thing I took away, it’s don’t fuck with Scholastic. People were lining up for a Harry Potter poster like they were waiting to meet the Pope. You’ve come a long way, Scholastic!

Also, this is the first conference I’ve ever seen where you can just drink on the floor. “Our book was just nominated for some shit. Come get some champagne!” There was such an odd mix of exhibitors, too. One company specialized in shelving and organization, so I guess that made sense. However, their set up was not of a bookself. No, the shelves were in the pictures. The booth, actually, was set up as a bar. And they were giving out Heineken! As much as I wanted to partake, I really didn’t want to get roped in. As cool as con swag may be, it’s meant to bring you in so that they can start a dialogue. I didn’t feel like sitting through a spiel, as they ask about my library and circulation, and then I have to answer with the whole, ‘Well, I’m not actually a librarian…” Nope. At that point, I’d just be “that freeloading Black guy” (there were only about 5 of us there, so it wouldn’t be hard for me to be pegged as the “freeloading one”) and I didn’t need that. So, no drinky for me. But I more than made up for that later that day.

The most impressive aspect of the day, though, was the end of the show. I have to hand it to librarians, in that they follow instructions. The show was to end at 5, and they began to slowly mill out around 4:50. there was no announcement, no nothing. By 5, that hall was clear. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the auto show or a comic con, but there’s always that bunch that just won’t leave. “I’m just about to meet George Perez,” they whine. Or “Let me just get one more picture of this Escalade!”. But not here. These ladies knew what to do and when to do it, and I’ve never seen such an orderly exodus. They teach us to love reading, and they teach us punctuality. Is there no limit to their greatness?!

In closing, and off topic, the unplugged version of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer is something akin to a religious experience. The same way that Clapton redefined Layla in his unplugged session, LoaP became an entirely different song. You’re really forced to feel it, and it becomes so much more than “that song played after The Outfield’s Your Love and before Sweet Caroline at last call”…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , ,
0 Comm
09th Nov2005

Terry McMillan Needs A Talk Show, STAT!

by Will

“We are men. Men is what we are.”

Can somebody PLEASE develop a daytime talk show for Terry McMillan? I swear, she is one of the most entertaining interviews I’ve seen in a while. It’s so refreshing to see someone with real feelings, who hasn’t been coached by their handlers and publicists. I’m paraphrasing, but her description of the relationship went like this:

“I never expected it to be a long-term thing. When I’m 70, he was gonna be 50. We weren’t gonna be sitting on the porch in rockers. I felt that it was happiness, and you have to enjoy happiness for as long as it lasts. I treated Jonathan as a puppy. In the beginning, puppies are frisky and full of energy. You nurture and take care of a puppy, and he will lick you all over and love you to death.”

The Oprah interview wasn’t as “Springer-esque” as I had hoped, but Terry never stopped entertaining me. Whether it was her quick wit, or the animated way in which she shook her head, Terry really needs to do this on a daily basis. Forget Tyra and Martha. I want to see Terry in Fall ’06.

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , ,
0 Comm
07th Jul2005

Looking Back On Roald Dahl

by Will

“You paid for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the EDGE!”

I was so glad to read this refreshing article in the New Yorker about Roald Dahl:

http://www.newyorker.com/critics/atlarge/articles/050711crat_atlarge

I have always LOVED this man’s work, and I feel that outside of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, few people are familiar with his books. In fact, most people just know “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”, which was the Gene Wilder movie. Sure, it’s inspired by the book, but not nearly as good. This article helped me to learn what it is I like about Dahl’s stories: he cherishes the notion of childhood.

Anyone who knows me realizes that this is a very important thing to me. Just look at my site’s tagline. I have “Peter Pan syndrome” like no other, and Dahl has a knack for bringing this out. He was the textbook case of “didn’t have a happy childhood, so he never really grew up”. Hell, we see this today, from Michael Jackson to the entire frickin’ cast of “Diff’rent Strokes”.

Not to throw my HD in anyone’s face, but it should be noted that “childhood” is a very young concept. We like to think that a person is born, enjoys some play years, and then enters the work world. But the notion of childhood hails from the very beginning of the 20th century. Prior to this time, children were seen a “little adults”. The fashions reflected this, as did the activities in which they participated. Dahl was born in 1916, so it’s safe to say that he was still reveling in the infancy of this cultural shift. While his own childhood didn’t reflect these changes, he took notice and began to romanticize this movement, later featuring it in his books.

In the Dahl-verse, even the unhappiest orphan can seize the day. Charlie slept in the same bed as his old sickly grandparents, in their one-room apartment. But he still ends up with the chocolate factory. James is abused by his aunts, but he still crushes them with his giant peach. Matilda dealt with abusive parents, but discovered she had telekinesis and put them in their place. In Dahl’s stories, childhood is about cheerful, reckless abandon. Let your imagination run wild and run wild with your imagination.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share. I know there was that recent quiz being circulated about meaningful books, so this is a collection that’s meaningful to me. It may not have the Summer Reading List clout of, say “Heart of Darkness”, but I’m always transported to a good place, and notice something new and exciting with each reading…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : ,
0 Comm
22nd Jun2005

Analysis Of The World’s Richest Fictional Characters

by Will

I thought this was pretty amusing:

http://www.forbes.com/2002/09/13/400fictional.html

It’s the Forbes Fictional Fifteen, or the wealthiest, most powerful fictional characters of pop culture.

Now, so we don’t have to waste any time on this, yes, they’re all a bunch of rich white guys. Deal with it. Society’s a cruel bitch sometimes, even in fiction.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I thought there were a few surprises.

You’re gonna have to show me how in God’s name Willy Wonka is worth more than Bruce Wayne. Although, I DO find it odd that the more money you have, the more you enjoy the company of young children..(See #’s 1, 2,3,4,6 & 7).

And Uncle Scrooge is worth more than Batman? Where’s the justice? Bruce Wayne IS Batman, while Scrooge PAYS Gizmoduck. I think it’s obvious who’s the real hero!

Actually, this list is from 2002, so a lot has changed. Excuse me, I’m about to “go geek” on ya.
You see, Lex Luthor became President (Yes, of the US) and then kinda went crazy. He disappeared and was presumed dead. During that time, Bruce Wayne swept in with quite the hostile takeover, assuming LexCorp and all of Luthor’s assets. So, you can add Luthor’s $4.7 billion to Wayne’s $6.3 billion, and you’ll see that Bats is actually #3 on the list.

I never really thought of Santa having money. I mean, when you’re magical, do you need money? How much is Gandalf worth?

I always thought Cruella and Burnsy were worth the same, but maybe that’s because of that Simpsons spoof where he assumed the Cruella role…

And the Thurston Howell fortune is questionable, especially depending on timetable. You see, for anyone who’s ever watched “Rescue From Gilligan’s Island”, you’ll know that they finally get off the island after being marooned for 15 yrs. Now, during that time, Howell was presumed dead and lost EVERYTHING. So, he’s got nothing. And to add shits to giggles, the morons commemorate the 1 yr anniversay of their rescue by taking ANOTHER boat ride. Guess what happens? They end up marooned on the same frickin’ island all over again. Man, they just don’t make good-bad TV like that anymore…

So the lesson to be learned here? There isn’t one. But if there’s one take-home message that i can give you, it’s “never underestimate the kindness of strangers.” Especiallly when you’re a moronic lost scout who has social-anxiety issues. C’mon, kid, you’re frickin STARVING! They had ATV’s for God’s sake! When has anything bad come on an ATV? All kids love ATV’s. Yup, there was something seriously wrong with that kid…

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , , , ,
0 Comm
17th Feb2005

So, I Guess Shannon Tweed’s NOT In It?

by Will

“I wanna stroke you like a super-villain’s cat!”

What a world in which we live where books need commercials!

Now, this is not a new phenomenon. I’ve seen it before, but now it’s gone to new heights (or depths, depending on how you look at it).

Getting dressed this morning, I saw this HOT commercial. I thought it was for a Skinemax movie or something. Which was odd because A) it was on Fox and B) it was 5:45 AM. It had a husband and wife in bed, going at it, interspersed with scenes of the wife brandishing a knife. What a great Skinemax movie this was gonna be!

But, it turned out to be for “Honeymoon”, the 2005 thriller from James Patterson. Yup, a contrived, convoluted 30-second commercial, for a novel about wives killing their husbands.

So, I don’t know what upsets me more: the fact that they teased me with the potential of soft-core pornography in the wee hours of the morning OR the fact that, in this day and age, you have to make a commercial to sell a book.

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : ,
0 Comm
17th Jan2005

24, 7th Heaven, Blake-Holsey High, Elektra, Jason Mraz, and Keane

by Will

“I don’t need no instructions to know how to ROCK!”

Random Thoughts of the Past Few Days

-Dude, I really need to stop watching 7th Heaven! Mmm, Ruthie…STOP! I can’t go all R. Kelly!

-I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: 24 is THE BEST CONCEPT on television. This show never disappoints, even when it sucks (see Season Three). Either way, it’s the most original and riviting thing you’ll find these days. And Mrs. Araz is scaring the SHIT out of me. I hate to think I’m suffering from post-9/11 generalizations, but that’s one cold, scary bitch! And I knew Behrous wasn’t gonna have the balls to kill Debbie. Had no idea Mrs. Araz would, though…

-The best show you’re NOT watching? “Strange Days At Blake-Holsey High”. Yeah, you’ve never seen it unless you had a LATE friday night, which carried into Saturday morning, and you had nothing else to watch. Basically, it’s about the strange things that happen at this elite boarding school. There’s a pseudo-Ghostwriter team that investigates all the weird goings-on. The catch is that the show is part of Discover Kids, so they find ways to sneak in science lessons without being heavy-handed about it. By the end of the episode, you’ve gained more clues in the ongoing saga of the vortex at the school, but you also know that a DNA helix curves to the right, and that some checmical compounds are mirror images of each other…

-Jamie Foxx won a Golden Globe?!!! Man, if you’d told me that 15 yrs ago, I’d had have slapped you across the mouth. Ya know, I’ll bet Kenan Ivory Wayans is KICKING himself! He creates In Living Color to showcase his own siblings, while bringing a couple stragglers along for the ride. Now, fast forward 12 yrs. Jim Carrey’s a $20 million-a-movie star, Jamie Foxx is winning awards, and the most popular Wayans weren’t even On In Living Color (Well, Shawn was SW-1, but the DJ don’t count!). Honestly, the weirdest part of the In Living Color mythos, to me, was that Alexandra Wentworth (AKA “The White Girl”) ended up marrying George Stephanopolous. That must’ve been SOME wedding reception! Anyway, with the way things are going, next thing you know, David Allen Grier will be doing Shakespeare…

-Anybody out there seen Elektra? Starring Jennifer Garner, AKA “The World’s Most Beautiful Man”. I swear, she’s alluring, but she’s not “pretty”. I’ve blogged about this before, but I don’t think it’s more apparent than in the role of Elektra. I think I liked her most in “13 Going on 30″, where she’s all awkward and gangly, but still has a cuteness about her…

-Did anyone out there actually LIKE “I Am Charlotte Simmons”? It seems like Tom Wolfe’s latest novel is THE book to hate right now. I have it sitting on a shelf, but the thing is friggin huge. I don’t know whether to read it or use it to crush cats to death (Yes, Shel..cats truly are evil!).

-Jason Mraz is really worth checking out. Before, I just kinda liked “You and I Both”, but all of his stuff is great. he’s even edging out John Mayer on my list. Especially since there are only so many times I can stand to hear “Daughters” on a given day…

-THE ALBUM to buy, though, is “Hopes and Fears” by Keane. I can’t get over how great an album this is. Looped it like 6 times last night. I give every disc a “one-through”, and usually it languishes in its little slot in my binder, never to be listened to again. But I haven been listening to this disc since November, and it doesn’t get old. Mainly, if you like “thinkin’ music” that’s not as whiny as emo, and has a lot more piano, this is the group for you.

Category : Uncategorized
Tags : , , , , , , ,
0 Comm
Pages:«123»
« Previous Page — Next Page »