WilliamBruceWest.com

Avengers. My, my, my Avengers. It’s amazing that I held on for so long, through so much, and now that we have the big relaunches, and the band is back together, I just don’t care anymore. I love Tony Stark, and I like when he’s part of the team, but the whole Avengers Trinity means little to me. I don’t like Thor, and I don’t consider Cap to be “Jesus wrapped in a flag”, no matter how much they try to convince me that he is. I will say that I don’t consider a team to be “The Avengers” unless they have at least one of those 3 members on the roster. It doesn’t mean that I’d read the book, but I feel like that should be a charter requirement. That’s why I don’t feel that Luke Cage’s “New Avengers” deserve their name. Sure, they eventually got “Bucky Cap” on their side, but he’s a substitute Cap, like USAgent. If they had gotten War Machine, he still wouldn’t have been Iron Man. It’s not about the symbolism of the name/costume – what matters MOST is who is inside that suit (I have similar feelings about the DC Universe, but that’s for another time).

Stop playing dress-up, Dick. Don’t you have a hot alien to bang?

Luke’s team could’ve been the “Revengers”, “The Getbackers”, whatever, but nothing about them screamed “Avengers”. He kept the name because Cap had bestowed it upon them during a one-sided war, in which his side lost. Luke kept it out of symbolism, but it was clear to the world, and anyone who mattered, that Luke Cage’s team wasn’t The Avengers. There was no way in Hell they were gonna save you from the Skrulls. THAT’s what Avengers do. What did Luke’s team do? Well, his baby got replaced by an alien, and the book turned into Adventures in Babysitting, while he ended up having a heart attack. It was all like that bad season finale of Punky Brewster where she ended up back in the orphanage. Not Very Avengery.

Yeah, that’s the problem…

Now that the dust has settled, and Steveus Christ is back in action, there’s still no reason for Luke’s team. He clearly doesn’t play well with others, and his argument for not joining the “real” Avengers was that he didn’t want to be told what to do. Weren’t you in jail at one time, Luke? Aren’t you tired of rebelling against The Man? Shit could be worse! You’ve got your hot white wife and your halfy baby. Do you WANT to go back to jail, Luke? Would that be better for you?

You’re living The Dream, dude – Don’t mess this up!

Anyway, what do the “real” Avengers do? They sell him the mansion and let him run his own team. Bull and Shit. I can’t believe they’d let him have his own Avengers, in the same damn city, which allows him to do whatever he wants. That’s not how the Marvel Universe works. You want to be on your own, you move to California. Start up the Avengers West Coast again. There’s no damn way you’re gonna operate in New York City without oversight. Hell, the X-Men have been doing the multiple team thing for over 20 years and they STILL haven’t figured it out. And they’re dispatched by the same guy, from the same mansion/Alcatraz base. So how do the Avengers expect to pull it off? I feel like New Avengers, at this point, is just a money grab. Luke will eventually figure out Cap’s been babysitting him, making sure he doesn’t get in trouble. He’ll get all offended and finally walk, which will be just in time for the Super Infinity War which will bring both Avengers teams together, resulting in one canceled book, an overstaffed Avengers, and some new team spun out of it. Don’t know if I care to stick around for the ride any longer. I think I might be done.

So, today marked the 1st (annual?) DC Comic-Con. However, in this case, “DC” meant “Northern Virginia”, and “Comic-Con” meant “church bazaar”. I really had high hopes for this show. Established as a joint effort between Baltimore Comic-Con creator Marc Nathan, and the Laughing Ogre chain of stores, the show was poised to give the DC-Metro Area its first taste of a somewhat “official” comic book convention. Considering how great the Baltimore show has become over the years, this venture held a lot of promise. Unfortunately, something went wrong between idea and execution.

Now, I was actually supposed to volunteer for the show, as I first learned about it when I was in Marc’s store a few months back. He had a really good idea: he was already hosting a Free Comic Book Day signing in his store, so he figured he would just offer those guests an extra night’s hotel stay, and have them as his guests for the show. On top of that, he was going to make sure that all of the local shops had flyers available on FCBD, so that he could take advantage of the newcomers who might be flocking to stores. Considering his guest list was going to include Frank Cho (Ultimate Avengers 2, Liberty Meadows), JG Jones (52, Marvel Boy), Jo Chen (Buffy Season 8 covers), and others, it sounded like it couldn’t fail. Of course I wanted to be on board with that! He told me to show up early, and he’d put me to work. Well, fast forward to this morning, as I didn’t get to sleep until 7 AM because I’d been up working on restoring older entries to the site (I’ll explain that situation in another post). So, considering I wasn’t getting to sleep until about 3 hours before the show started, I simply muttered “Fuck that noise”, and went to sleep.

Over the past few days, I guess I lost most of my interest in the show when it didn’t seem like anyone really knew about the thing. I was in a comic shop yesterday, where I overheard someone talking about it, but their account of the thing was riddled with misinformation. On top of it, these were the retailers, themselves, and not just some fanboys standing around. So, it was becoming apparent that those flyers hadn’t made the rounds as planned. Also, the website was only updated intermittently. By Thursday, in total, there had only been about 5 update posts – none of which contained any major information, outside of the list of creators who’d be present. The only show-exclusive item was a variant cover of Witchblade, which would benefit the Hero Initiative. That’s good for the Hero Initiative, but the whole “Show Exclusives” part of the site looked pretty sad, as nothing else was being listed alongside it. It’s almost like, “Why bother?”

The worst crime of the site, however, was that it didn’t even list information pertaining to the price of regular admission. It stated that tickets would be available at the door, and not in advance (unlike the Baltimore show). Also, admission would be $5 IF you signed up for the e-mail newsletter. What if I don’t want to sign up? Well, there’s no information for that scenario. Guess I would just have to find out at the door…

So, I woke up around 11:30, and really debated whether or not I wanted to even bother with it. I had told Marc I’d volunteer, but it’s not like he really cared. He’d be OK. The main thing, though, was that I didn’t really know how to get to George Mason University. Sure, there’s Mapquest, GPS, and all that, but I hate the thought of trying to navigate a college campus. Cornell was basically the entire town of Ithaca. I knew GMU wasn’t that big, but I didn’t want to waste most of the day wandering around aimlessly. I checked the con’s site, only to see that they had uploaded a map of the campus, showing the location of the show, as well as the lot (Lot A) which was the only one open to con guests. Nice of them to post this…on May 1st. Yeah, they did it yesterday. The day before the show.

Honestly, though, I really just wanted to go so that I could finally meet one of my twitter pals. He’s one of the few people I can actually have a tweetversation with, and I think he’d be a cool “real life” friend. I knew he was making the trip from Baltimore, so if he could do that, then I could suck it up and drive to VA.

I headed down to GMU, but I was looking at the map on my phone, as I didn’t have the chance to print it. The Zoom option didn’t want to work, so I was flying blind. Once on campus, I couldn’t, for the life of me, find Lot A. Driving around Patriot Circle, the signs about the show/lot simply ran out. I ended up parking in the lot for a shopping center across the street from the campus. I didn’t want to risk tickets/towing by parking in the wrong campus lot, and I don’t mind walking. If I had found Lot A, it would’ve been a “5-10 minute walk” to the show. I’m not sure if that estimate was for the “normal” person, or for us geek types, who don’t have much in the way of cardio training.

I wandered through campus a bit, and actually walked past Lot A. It wasn’t much closer than the shopping center, so I didn’t feel too bad about my choice. Since the main campus seems to be configured in the middle of a circle, it wasn’t too hard to figure out the general direction of central campus. That said, all of the buildings, while nice and new, all pretty much look the same. Every now and then, I’d see a fat kid carrying a bag of comics, coming from the general direction in which I was headed, so that was an encouraging sign. Eventually, I just had to suck it up, and ask some kid where the Student Union was. Luckily, it was right around the corner from where I was. Keep in mind, this whole walk, which was in the CORRECT direction, contained NO signage to imply that I was headed in the right direction. I couldn’t have been the only one to experience this. Sadly, I arrived just in time to receive a tweet saying that my twitter pal had just left.

Anyway, once at the student union, there was nothing outside to indicate what was going on inside. No “DC Comic-Con Here!” sign. The only clue was that there were more slovenly kids with bags of comics, and a line at the ATM. Once inside, I realized that it wasn’t exactly a well-oiled machine. Admission turned out to be $5, so I guess the newsletter tactic was a bust. The problem was that, after I paid the money, the guy manning the table was more concerned with me filling out a raffle ticket than with giving me my wristband. People were bunching up around me, so once I was done, his partner tried to charge me another $5 before he’d give me the wristband. I told him I’d already paid, and the 1st guy co-signed it, so I got my wristband. That’s when I entered the “ballroom” where the show was being held…

You know your grandma’s church? The one that’s old and drab ’cause only old people attend? The one where they hold bazaars in the drab auditorium? The same auditorium which has a stage up front, as they sometimes use it to present the Christmas Cantata? Well, that’s exactly what this venue was like. It had a very “flea market” vibe to it. The entire room was filled with vendor tables, while something seemed to be happening onstage. I started to make the loop, but people were just in the way. This is a common problem with conventions, as everybody wants to bodyblock the longboxes until they’re done looking through them – very territorial.

As I’m walking through, I realize I recognize a lot of the vendors. After all, I used to frequent those little comic shows they hold at the Crowne Plaza in Tysons. Yup, there was the guy with one arm. There was the jerk from Columbia. There was the dude who always gives me the stink eye. The gang was all there. As I continued around, something became VERY apparent to me: the vendors had only brought their older comics OR their junk. So, if you were new to comics, your only options were overpriced yellowed books from the ’70s or a bunch of $1 bin books from the mid ’90s. I was kind of offended by this, as it implied that none of the vendors had taken the show seriously. Just as the place looked like a church bazaar, they were treating it as one. As I walked around, I overheard a lot of grumbling amongst the vendors, as the show clearly hadn’t met their expectations. Now, I’m not sure if they were unhappy with the turnout, or the lack of sales, but I have to lay some of the blame on the vendors themselves. Outside of the shitload of unnecessary Deadpool variant covers released over the last few months, the vast majority of vendors didn’t have any books published within the last five years. On top of that, it was a great show for anyone looking for cheap trade paperback collections, but the single comic offerings were piss poor. One guy was selling “new comics”, one of which was an issue of Amazing Spider-Man that came out six months ago. Now, considering that series comes out thrice-monthly, that book is basically a year and a half old, when compared to other comics. That’s not NEW.

I made about 5 loops around the room, and couldn’t find ANYTHING on which I wanted to spend money. It was all junk. Hell, I was so disgusted that I passed up the FCBD books that some guy had leftover from yesterday. I bought the DC Comic-Con exclusive Witchblade because it was the show’s ONLY exclusive, and I wanted to have proof of the show’s existence in case it’s never held again. It helped out the Hero Initiative, though I’ve never exactly been sold on that organization (look up its guidelines some time – there’s a a VERY narrow pool of creators who even qualify for its assistance).

The saddest part of the convention was the lone Joker who was skulking around the show floor. This dude looked terrible! I mean, his costume was good, but he just looked depressed, and I’m not sure if it was part of his cosplay. I think he just felt out of place, as he was the ONLY one in cosplay that I saw. They were granting free admission to anyone who showed up in full costume, but he’s the only one who looked like he may have taken advantage of that offer. In any case, I eventually saw him hiding behind a pillar, fervently texting someone. Maybe he was asking Batman to come and take him back to Arkham. After all, that HAD to be a better option than where he was at the moment!

Oh, remember the commotion onstage? Well, that’s where those big name creators were set up. It was so awkward, however, as they were elevated over the rest of the show floor. To add to that, any fans wishing to get signatures & sketches had to wait off to the side of the stage. When it was their turn, they went up, as if they were about to receive a diploma. I’m being overly dramatic, but it really looked like an elitist setup, as we were all waiting to “pay tribute”. I already had signatures from all of them, so I didn’t even give it a second thought.

While on Loop #5, I noticed one vendor, who also happened to be the only vendor who was even remotely friendly to me, had a bunch of old toys for sale. Really old toys. That’s when I saw them: the Hasbro figures from the Stargate movie. Kurt Russell as Jack O’Neill, James Spader as Daniel Jackson, and nary a trace of likeness rights between them. Despite looking nothing like the actors, I LOVE Stargate, and I couldn’t shake a stick at the price tag of $3 each. As I took Daniel and O’Neill to the vendor, he laughed and told me he would cut me a deal for all of them. There were 6 figures, and he said he’d give them to me for half price. Now, I’m normally a sucker for a deal, but I really had no use for Lt. Kawalsky and Horus figures. I mean, Kawalsky looked just like O’Neill, but had a different color shirt, and I don’t care about grunt soldiers from a defunct toy line. I could’ve had them all for about $3 more than I spent, but I just didn’t want more junk in my apartment. I’m gonna hang Daniel and Jack on the wall, like the kitsch that they are. I simply had no use for the others.

The very second after I completed that transaction, I headed for the door.  I didn’t care about the raffle, or the door prizes, or spending another second in that place. I walked out the door, and didn’t look back.

While I had major problems with the venue, I think my main disappointment came from the fact that I had held such high expectations. It’s really a matter of semantics: this was not a convention, but a show. A comic convention is an experience. There are vendors, panel discussions, and it provides fans with the chance to meet their favorite creators. A comic show, however, is simply about selling. Vendors bring their backstock inventory, and hope to unload some of it to people who are trying to fill holes in their collections. Shows don’t always have guests, and when they do, they don’t tend to be “marquee”. This show definitely fit the latter definition. It was geared toward the collector, and the older collector at that. It didn’t serve as a proper introduction for the new fan, nor as encouragement to the casual fan. I’m a collector, and it didn’t even fit my needs, so I’m left to wonder what was the target audience for this show. It’s got some reputable names behind it, so maybe this was a case of “1st year mistakes”. I didn’t exactly have an amazing time, but fanboys are gluttons for punishment, so I’m not giving up on it completely. After all, there’s always next year…

Adventures West Coast #10: World Without A Superman TPB

World Without A Superman is one of those books that had a time and a place. For me to review it now is almost unfair, as its resonance and importance is dependent upon the death of Superman, an event that took place about 15 years ago. While this could be considered the beginning of the death/resurrection gimmick (sure, it had been done before, but it wasn’t nearly as prevalent as it is today), we currently live in a comics world where “dead” simply means “We don’t really have any stories to tell for that character right now”, or better yet “We’re finalizing our editorial and marketing plans for 3rd quarter 2011″. Seeing how the death of Superman was such a major production, this trade focuses on the downtime between the death and the road to resurrection. Before I can really get into the story, let me take a moment to explain how things got to this point.

Death of Superman is one of those stories that meant a lot more to me as a young fanboy than it does now, as a former member of the industry who knows a bunch of the backroom dealings. Of course, it would be easy to look back and say that they killed Superman because they knew it would make a shitload of money, but that wasn’t exactly the case. I’ve often said that licensing is the worst thing to happen to comics. In the old days, licensing only extended as far as putting Superman on a backpack, or Batman on a t-shirt. In a more modern sense, however, licensing has come to mean those same lunchboxes, slot machines, and, most importantly, movies and television. The latter is where problems can occur. You can’t keep Steve Rogers dead because there’s a Captain America movie coming, and the man on the street is more familiar with Steve Rogers than this Bucky Barnes fella. Sometimes there are misses: the X-Men comics were more of a mess than usual when the first movie came out, and Marvel missed out on a lot of potential new readers, due to lack of accessibility. Well, the death of Superman was another case of licensing governing storylines.

DC had planned to have the wedding between Clark Kent and Lois Lane, only to find out that the TV show, Lois & Clark: The Adventures of Superman, was building up to the same thing. Due to licensing, the comic couldn’t get to that point BEFORE the show (even though they were only related “in spirit”). This created a problem for DC, as they had to come up with some way to stall, seeing as how the TV wedding was about a season off. Killing Superman was just an idea that had been thrown around during a brainstorming session, but nobody really expected it to stick. As they tossed it around, they began to develop it, but they never expected it to be such a blockbuster, as there really hadn’t been a precendent for that sort of thing. So, the word got out and media outlets just ran with it. You were always seeing interviews with some old codger born in the 40s who couldn’t believe they were killing his childhood hero. He’s not real, Cletus! Anyway, it was decided that Superman would fall by the hand of a mysterious threat named Doomsday. The Superman books were weekly at that time, so Doomsday got closer to Metropolis with each passing week. The final battle occurred in Superman #75, where Superman died in Lois’s arms. To really capitalize on things, there’s even a collectors edition of the book, bagged with an obituary, black armband, etc. Considering this was just a gap-filler, DC went ALL OUT once they realized what they had on their hands. Once Superman was dead, what next? That brings us to World Without A Superman.

At its core, World Without A Superman is really an exploration of what Superman had meant to the world around him. The actual banner on the books was “Funeral For A Friend”, as the world tries to get back to normal after losing its greatest champion. Nothing really happens, as it’s just a bridge between the death and return, but there are some great character moments, as well as emotional beats. For example, Action Comics #685 contains a moving scene where Superman fan, Bibbo, prays to God, asking why Superman had to die instead of someone who wouldn’t have matter as much, like Bibbo himself. It also dealt with a lot of questions that would naturally arise from such an event: Who would get custody of Superman’s body? Who would fill in for Superman as the hero of Metropolis? Should Lois and the Kents go public with the identity of Superman? We also see the public funeral, complete with a cameo by Bill and Hilary Clinton – one of the rare times that DC has acknowledged that the DCU has the same sitting President as the real world.

The second half of the book is where the action occurs, as Superman’s body goes missing from his tomb. Who has it, though? Is it archenemy Lex Luthor? Is it super secret science agency Project Cadmus? Supergirl eventually reclaims the body, which had been taken by Cadmus for cloning experiments. Before the story ends, Jonathan Kent suffers a heart attack, where he is seemingly reunited with Superman in the afterlife. It’s here that Jonathan’s war memories seem to shape the landscape of the afterlife, as he’s forced to fight for the spirit of his son. Superman tells Jonathan that he has to go back, it’s not his time, yadda yadda, but Jonathan’s not leaving without his son. As the story ends Jonathan comes out of his coma, just as reports of Superman sightings begin to surface. Lois visits the tomb, only to find it empty again. Where’s Superman? Is he really back? Well, that story takes place in Reign of the Supermen, and I don’t have that book

Growing up, I was on the edge of my seat for the death, as well as the return, but I had missed out on most of these issues. One only has so much disposable income at the age of 12, so I had to make some sacrifices! Looking back, however, I can see how this really served to compliment the saga as a whole. Unlike comics today, it didn’t jump right into another big event, which could lead to “event fatigue”. Sure, you were probably interested to see where things would go, but you didn’t HAVE to read these stories. As far as anyone knew, Superman was really gone, so a lot of people took this as a jumping off points for the books. After all, why read a book called Adventures of Superman when that character isn’t even present? For those who stuck around, this was a great ramping up point for Reign of the Supermen, which was not only nonstop action, but also led up to the actual return of Superman, albeit with a mullet. Don’t worry, though – he loses the mullet when he becomes an energy being, and splits into two people. Huh. Guess it was all downhill for a while after that death…

Adventures West Coast #8 : Superman/Gen13

Superman/Gen13 was a 3-issue miniseries by Adam Hughes and Lee Bermejo that I’d always known about, but never got around to actually reading. It was released near the end of Gen13‘s first heyday, at a point when I felt Wildstorm had told all of the stories about them that could be told.

For those unfamiliar with Gen13, it was originally launched as a part of Jim Lee’s Wildstorm Universe that he founded under Image. All of the titles were interconnected, as most of the heroes in WildC.A.T.S. Stormwatch, and the other teams all had ties to a Cold War era group called Team 7. Well, Gen13 were the teenage kids of the old Team 7 members. Based on experiments that Team 7 had undergone, their kids ended up with powers, and the shadowy organization behind all of it, International Operations (I/O), were desperate to get their hands on the teens.

The main Gen13 series followed Fairchild, Freefall, Burnout, Grunge, and Rainmaker as they were on the run from I/O. To say that Gen13 was quite entrenched in the culture of the 90s would be an understatement. For God’s sake, they had characters named “Grunge” and “Burnout”! Once the decade ended, it seemed that the team’s relevance went along with it. At its height, the team boasted 2 ongoings and several one-shots and minis. At the end of the ’90s, Lee sold Wildstorm to DC Comics, where the team was “retired” around 2002.

In any case, as Superman/Gen13 begins, the Gen13 team is about to set out on a “field trip”. In the original series, they have a chaperone in the form of John Lynch, a former agent of I/O who learns the error of his ways and helps the kids escape from the I/O compound. They all set up shop in La Jolla, CA (conveniently, the actual homebase for Wildstorm Studios), but he allows them to go on occasional trips to “see America”. This time, team leader Fairchild has decided that they’re going to Metropolis, much to the chagrin of the rest of the team. They gripe the entire trip, not realizing that Fairchild chose Metropolis mainly because she’s got a crush on Superman. The moment they set foot in town, they find themselves at the scene of a fight between Superman and a giant cyber ape. Fairchild runs to get a closer look, and ends up in the middle of the fight, getting knocked unconscious in the process. When she comes to, she has amnesia, her teammates are nowhere in sight, and she’s clutching Superman’s cape as a blanket. She wanders into the street, where she’s hit by an oncoming fire truck. Forgetting her own super strength, the fact that she survives, combined with the fact that she has Superman’s cape, leads her to believe she’s actually Supergirl. The next time we se her, she’s fighting crime in a Supergirl costume that she’s gotten from somewhere.

In the meantime, the other Gen13 kids have been searching for Fairchild since she got lost during the ape fight. They briefly speak to Superman, who tells them that he can be reached through his friends, in case they need any help finding her. So, the team ends up at the Daily Planet, where they meet Lois and Jimmy. Clark shows up, and everyone listens to Gen13′s account of how they lost Fairchild. While they’re doing this, they also take a few swipes at Superman, saying how they don’t want to go to him for help because they don’t want to be seen in public with him. Mainly, Superman would harsh their cool factor (they’re a ’90s concept – of course they’d say some shit like that). It’s funny because the more shit they talk, the more offended Clark is getting, but it’s not like he can say anything. Their words do seem to hit home, as he finds himself doubting his own cool factor. It wouldn’t be a ’90s Superman comic if he weren’t doubting himself. Ugh…

As the story progresses, Superman and Gen13 search for Fairchild, while she realizes that she makes a pretty shitty member of the Superman Family. Each time she tries to stop a crime or save a life, she unwittingly ends up making things worse. She shakes a kitten down from a tree, but the tree ends up falling on a townhouse. As she continues to sully Supergirl’s reputation, the real Supergirl gets fed up and decides to track her down. As Gen13 accompany Superman, they end up taking random detours to help him avert some sort of disaster. Each time they actually see him in action, another member of the team comes to truly respect him and what he does.

They end up tracking down Fairchild by visiting local costume shops. It’s a running gag in Gen13 that Fairchild’s clothes seem to rip any time she gets in a fight (see images above), so her Supergirl costumes have been getting destroyed rather frequently. Since they’re not the real deal, she’s had to replace them at the various costume shops in town. At this time, a psycho armed with a nuke comes after Superman. Once Metroplis gets wind of this, it causes mass hysteria downtown. Not only does Superman calm down the crowd, with the help of Gen13, but he also takes the nuke into space to detonate it safely. It’s this moment when the Gen13 kids realize just how badass Superman can be, and that they had been wrong about him. Supergirl finally shows up, and pissed off at Fairchild, she suckerpunches her, which results in the return of Fairchild’s memory. Before Fairchild can realize she’s in the presence of her crush, Superman flies off. On the trip home, all of the Gen13ers are comparing stories about how awesome Superman is – except Fairchild, who’s depressed that she can’t remember her time in Metroplis. When they get home, Fairchild’s mood changes, as she finds that Superman has sent her an official S cape along with a personalized note.

Superman/Gen13 is a funny story, as the primary gist of the book is to show that Superman is a timeless hero who still has a thing or two to teach the new generation of heroes. It was successful in that regard, as I’ve always seen Superman as outdated as the milkman and war bonds. The entire book, the Gen13 kids see Superman as some old-fashioned, out of touch hero, but they come to respect him in the end, as did I. What I found more glaring, however, was how much the book serves to show Gen13 as the out of touch characters. This book was written while their original series was being published, so DC apparently thought the property still had legs. To read it now, however, after countless reboots, revamps, and retcons, I realize just how much of a “flash in the pan” concept Gen13 was. The miniseries contains some of the best characterizations of the characters, but that’s the problem – even at their best, they’re still just the Best Comic of 1994. They come from the era before the bottom fell out of the market, so it’s not like there was a ton of quality there. It was a fun tongue-in-cheek series, reminiscent of the original X-Men, but with a lot more T&A and fart jokes. It made a household name (fanboy households, at least) of artist J. Scott Campbell, but can you name a more ’90s artist than Campbell or Rob Liefeld? After reading this, I feel that Gen13 currently works best in a miniseries capacity where you play them off other characters. I’d be all for Batman/Gen13, Flash/Gen13, etc. I just don’t feel there’s enough to warrant DC trying to continue them in some ongoing capacity that doesn’t work. They are just as 90s as slap bracelets and Hypercolor, but there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. There’s a time and place for everything. I just feel that this mini marks the last time that a good Gen13 story was told.

Considering this is post #666, I really wanted to cover something sinister. At first, I considered a full disclosure, “fuck you” post regarding my last employer, but those kinds of things can violate NDAs and come back to haunt you. So, I quickly threw out that idea, and was left pretty empty-handed. Then, as I was leafing through the latest issue of Batman & Robin, and something caught my eye.

This year marks the 75th anniversary of DC Comics, which is being celebrated throughout the comics and various toylines. One promotion is sponsored by Colgate Max Fresh Mini Breath Strips, and the copy says that it “salutes DC Comics on 75 Years of the Hero Getting the Girl.” OK, cheesy enough. This blurb accompanied a blown up print of this cover:

That is Amazing-Man II and Maxima, both members of Extreme Justice – the “edgy” Justice League team that was published during the mid 90s. Amazing-Man was the grandson of the original WWII-era Amazing-Man, while Maxima was the warrior princess from Almerac. In any case, Maxima’s main theme is that she’s always looking for the perfect mate – basically a Xena-esque Bridget Jones. Of course, then, she would go for the Mandingo warrior that was Amazing-Man. In any case, a cover like that wasn’t too common, and the thought that came to my mind was, “Boy, Amazing-Man sure did love white women!” The emphasis is on did.

You see, after the breakup of Extreme Justice, Amazing-Man went to join an unofficial regrouping of Justice League Europe. On their maiden mission, while investigating the Louvre, Amazing-Man and Crimson Fox got into a conversation. Yup, her:

White, French, Crimson Fox. Supposedly, she was seen as “sexy”, despite that cobra thing on her head. Anyway, it turns out she was really turned on by the big A-M, yet she didn’t really think she had a chance. She nervously tells him about her feelings, and he’s actually flattered. Not only is it an awkward conversation, but it’s also not something you need to discuss in the workplace. You’re about to see why. They make plans for a future date, and all seems right with the world. Then, they are caught offguard by Starman’s nemesis, The Mist, who massacres them and the rest of their team. So, here you have a character, whose main footnotes include “interracial kiss cover” and “killed, while flirting with white girl, by villain who isn’t even in own rogues gallery”. Kinda sad, yet here we are, celebrating his dead ass “getting the girl”.

When Amazing-Man III came along, it was a whole different ballgame. He wears a dashiki and looks like Ving Rhames. He lives in New Orleans, and is probably pretty suspicious of white people. Hell, he pretty much declined a spot on the Justice Society just so he could go back to New Orleans to “do some good”. He gave up a shot in the big leagues to return to his FEMA trailer! He ain’t gonna go out like no punk bitch! That, is a man who has learned from the past, and I have a feeling we won’t see a cover featuring him kissing Power Girl.

I have a REAL BIG problem with the current state of DVDs at retail. I’ve been a fan of the medium for about 8 years, and I’ve dropped quite the coin on DVDs. I used to be a New Release Whore, who’d scour websites to plan out what I was going to buy each week. TV season sets? If it was a first season, I was down. Blockbuster Previously Viewed sections? I was a connoisseur. If I wasn’t cycling through a toy or comic phase, all of my disposable income (and then some) went to DVDs.

As a DVDphile, I wanted the BEST version of each title. If there was a 2-disc version, I didn’t waste my time with the single disc. If there was an anniversary on the horizon, I knew that I should wait to see if a special edition was on the way. If there was a Director’s Cut, don’t bother me with the theatrical version.

I guess, at this point, I should elaborate on something. Like a low-rent Batman villain, I have a bit of a psychological tic when it comes to DVDs: I don’t consider a viewing experience “complete” until I’ve watched EVERYTHING on the disc. This means unrated cut, theatrical cut, commentary track(s), and featurettes. I can’t file a disc away on my shelf until all of this has occurred. As a result, more of my collection is in the “incomplete” stage, stacked up around my apartment. I don’t always watch what I buy. In fact, in many cases, I may have found something on sale and just bought it because I’d heard of it by way of mouth. So, the piles keep growing…

Why do I do this? Well, I love pop culture, and I’m always out to learn. Many consider extra features to be a waste of time, but you can learn a LOT from them. A commentary track by a disgruntled director can be more entertaining than the movie itself. Actually, I have several movies in my collection where, had it not been for the special features, I would’ve gotten rid of them (Comic Book: The Movie, for example).

Anyway, DVDs and I had a great thing worked out. Then, however, the studios decided to come in and fuck everything up. How did they do this? The Digital Copy. The Digital motherfucking Copy! For those not in the know, many recent DVDs include a digital file of the movie that you can store on your iPod or computer. Apparently, this is so you don’t always have to have the disc on you, and it’s good for commuters. Commuters aside, there are so many reasons to hate the Digital Copy:

-It’s assumed that you’re essentially paying for your Digital Copy when you purchase the DVD so, like DRM-protected materials, the disc comes with an authentication code. That same code also has an expiration date. So, let’s say I find a copy of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra 2-disc edition on sale next summer (because I would only buy that thing on sale), the authentication code will have already expired. So, basically, part of the built-in cost of the DVD is already null and void. After all, the single disc would run you about $12.99-14.99, while the 2-disc would run about $19.99-24.99.

-Remember how the Digital Copy price is built in? Well, back in the day, you would buy a 2-disc edition of a movie, and you GOT 2 discs worth of material. The first disc was basically the movie and commentary tracks, while the second disc was for featurettes, web links, and the unnecessary-yet-quite-common text script. Nowadays, everything’s on the first disc, and the second disc is usually JUST the Digital Copy. So, you’re basically getting fewer features than you would’ve gotten 2 years ago.

-The introduction of the Digital Copy also changed the distribution of features on releases. A few years ago, a single disc edition would come with a commentary track and a couple of features, while the 2-disc came with the bulk of the features. Now, however, most single discs have NOTHING other than the movie. If you want any kind of feature, you’ve got to get that 2-disc version. Now, I know I said that I always wanted the best versions of DVDs, so you’re probably wondering why this bothers me. After all, I was going to buy the 2-disc anyway. Well, it bothers me that there exists ONE disc with EVERYTHING on it, but in order for me to get it, I have to buy the Digital Copy. You see, in most cases there’s nothing on Disc 2 that I even want, since it’s JUST the digital version. So, I’m expected to buy a 2-disc version of something that doesn’t exactly warrant 2 discs!

So, why this argument? Why now? I give you Justice League: Crisis On Two Earths.

Released today, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths is the latest in the burgeoning market of direct-to-DVD animated features that are mainly aimed at fanboys. The faster they crank these out, the less special they seem. The fact that the average run-time is between 70-80 minutes means that these either fail to “get to the meat” or wrap up in a satisfying conclusion. I wasn’t really looking forward to the main feature, in this case, but I was interested in an animated short surrounding The Spectre. Considering the fanfare this feature was receiving online, it appeared that it was seen as more of an additional facet to the release than a mere “special feature”. Warner Bros, however, seems to disagree: the single disc of the movie has NO Spectre featurette. It merely has a sneak preview of their next DVD release. Thanks. If I want to see The Spectre, I have to buy the 2-disc Digital Copy version. For a 12-minute animated short. Oh, and with the 2-disc version, Disc 1 offers me trailers of DC Animated DVDs THAT ARE ALREADY OUT, while Disc 2 gives me 2 “bonus” episodes of Justice League, which any fan who’s gonna shell out for the 2-disc ALREADY HAS! They should’ve just called the 2-disc “The Fuck You Edition”.

I’m tired of being screwed around. Fuck it, I’m out! I’ll be over on uTorrent if you need me.

“Who Watches the Watchmen?”

Apparently, I do, as well as thousands of other folks this weekend. What did I think of the movie? Well, in order to fully understand my stance on the movie, let’s first discuss my views on the comic.

In terms of the graphic novel, Time magazine (parent company: Time-Warner, also parent to Watchmen publisher, DC Comics) lists Watchmen amongst the “100 Greatest Novels of All Time”. I feel that the good folks over at Time clearly haven’t read many novels. If anything, they read a bunch of random novels, stopped at 100, and said, “Well, there’s our list”. That’s the only explanation. Watchmen is one of the most overrated, most pretentious comic events of the last 30 years. It ushered in an age of “grim and gritty” storytelling that the industry has yet to shake. I don’t blame Alan Moore, as the story is fine on its own – I blame the legion of creators who kept going back to the well on it. I have more of a problem with the “phenomenon” than the actual book.

Now, don’t get me wrong: the storytelling in the pre-Watchmen era was nothing to write home about, but it was simple escapist fantasy of good vs. evil. That dichotomy might be unrealistic, but so’s the idea of a radiation overdose producing anything other than terminal cancer. The “darkening effect” was gradual, but it has reached almost all corners of the industry by now, making books more mature than they necessarily need to be. For example, Spider-Man’s #2 villain (depending on when/who you ask), Venom, used to constantly pursue him, yelling, “Spider-Man, I want to eat your brain!” We didn’t know why he was so obsessed with brain-eating (he was an alien, so maybe human brain was a delicacy), but all we had to know was that Spidey better hightail it ’cause that motherfucker’s coming after his brain! Nowadays, it’s all “Spider-Man, I want to rape your wife and fuck up your 401K!” Watchmen is the creepy old guy in the windowless van who scared kids away from comics. Sure, adults still buy the things, but kids don’t go anywhere near them. Alan Moore has realized the effect that the story had on the industry, and he has stated that he regrets that people saw the need to copycat what he had done. If anything, he wanted to show that the medium could be used in new ways, but he didn’t expect the work to generate this pall over every 4-color wonder being published by the majors.

I also feel that Watchmen, like the Beatles, gains a lot of weight from the era in which it was produced (We’ll table that Beatles discussion for another time…). I’m only 27 years old, so I can admit that I didn’t read it when it was originally published. For those fanboys who remember cracking open the latest issue as the credits rolled on the latest episode of The A-Team, I salute you. You actually lived in the Cold War era, and knew what it was like to live day-to-day, wondering if “the Reds” were gonna launch the bomb at any given moment. I read this book in post-9/11 world, so I couldn’t relate to a lot of the political climate. After all, my first trip away from home was Russia, so I’ve always thought of them as friends. Naive, I know, but that was brought into my “Watchmen Experience”. Sure, we’re scared of terrorists, but nothing on a serious nuclear level in recent years. Anyway, I’m a comic fanboy, so when they make movies about our heroes, I must attend. I just needed to describe the attitude that I took with me into the theater.

So, Watchmen‘s a movie now, huh? Well, it’s more like the world’s longest music video. Don’t get me wrong – it’s beautiful and stylistic, but it’s shallow and lacks feeling. It vacillates between wanting to be some hippies’ art school film project about the dangers of nuclear war and a really bad Cinemax soft-core porn movie where they forgot to put in the sex scenes (for the first hour and 45 minutes, that is). I figure they probably didn’t want to muddy up the thing with “household names”, but I couldn’t care less about that cast comprised mostly of nobody actors. For example, Malin Ackerman’s wooden performance just drives home the Cinemax comparison, and the only thing her sweet ass brings to the movie is, well, her sweet ass. And what’s the deal with her posing? Every time she’s onscreen, she strikes a pose, like her exposure to comics is from reading nothing but books “drawn” by Greg Land. At ease, princess – you’re in an alley, not the top of Mount Rushmore.

One thing that’s apparent from the beginning is the violence. You know, I hate to sound all “Joe Lieberman”, but the violence in this movie did absolutely nothing for me. I am, by no means, conservative in my lust for cinematic violence. I love explosions and the like so much I secretly dream that Michael Bay’s my real daddy. That said, I’m so sick of movies where it’s clear that the director majored in Matrix 101. The whole “slow it down and then speed it up” fight scene is fast becoming the most tired technique of the genre. Plus, explain this to me: The Comedian has no powers, so I don’t care how intense this fight is, how the fuck is he punching through marble?! There was not a single fight scene where I thought, “Wow, that was kickass!” Instead, there was a lot of “That was stiff and remiscent of Charlie’s Angels“. All of the fights were played out like choreographed dances, where it appeared that the actors were counting off in their heads. Even the mega “Crime Alley Gang Fight” with Nite Owl and Silk Spectre failed to stun me. How the hell is this bookworm breaking that thug’s arm like that? Who the fuck is this guy? Where did that come from?

My second problem was that the movie failed to ever bring me into the world it was attempting to establish. There are too many variables I’m forced to deal with. Why is it that whenever they have on their costumes, it just seems like one really long Halloween party that won’t end? Maybe that was the point in the story, but Watchmen points out just how stupid people look when they dress up in an attempt to fight crime. These people look like idiots! You get a hint of that when the original Nite Owl is talking about how the old cops just decided to dress up and fight the crazy criminals who’d decided to dress up. They felt stupid doing it, but I feel that this is the first comic movie where, intentionally or perhaps not, that same stupidity and shame is felt by the audience. I mean, I feel it had to be intentional, seeing as how Ozymandias had the Schumacher Nipples on his costume.

Also, what was up with the music? A movie like this is begging for a score, by a professional like Hans Zimmer. If not him, at least Harry Gregson-Williams. Instead, they took the Wonder Years approach, digging up any “snapshot in time” song that you’d find on a Time-Life infomercial. Oh, there’s Time-Warner again. Do I smell synergy/product placement? Seriously, the only cute hat-tip, musically, was the Muzak version of “Everybody Wants To Rule the World playing as Lee Iacocca and the rest of the auto industry fatcats get their asses handed to them by Adrian Veidt.

Where I will give them credit, as far as the setting, is that they faithfully captured the shittiness of 1980s NYC. Since the Disneyfication of Times Square, I think many have forgotten how dangerous that place used to be. These days, thanks to Sex and the City and “Must-See TV”, New York is all shopping and cocktails. Not so in the ’80s. Back then, you were always around the corner from a potential Beat It reenactment, only those fuckers weren’t interested in dancing with their wrists tied together. New York City is currently enjoying the “Metropolis phase” of its existence after surviving its “Gotham phase” of the ’80s. Also, while not a scene featuring the aforementioned danger, the most “1985″ scene of the whole movie was the date between Nite Owl and Silk Spectre – his Clark Griswold-meets-Egon Spengler portrayal was spot on for any movie of that era. How could you not love, yet at the same time feel sorry for, that guy?

While we’re talking about how “1985″ the movie was or wasn’t, let’s get this out of the way. ***SPOILER ALERT***

Anybody who’s seen an action movie from the 1980′s knows that the White guy with the nondescript European accent is ALWAYS the villain. I mean, DAMN! Sure, most fanboys have read the book and knew the villain going in, but the ’80s villain characteristics they gave Ozymandias in the movie aren’t necessarily expressed in the book. It’s like they got hamfisted with it. They should’ve just called this Super Die Hard.

***END SPOILER***

Oh, and remember back when I mentioned the whole soft-core of Cinemaxian proportions? Yeah, well, at about the 1 HR, 45-minute mark, we’re treated to the most uncomfortable soft-core sex scene between a guy I’d never want to see naked and a chick whose acting career is only going to be sustained by her showing off that ass every chance she gets. My God, was that some bad sex! Where the Hell did that even come from?! Yes, the act is in the book, but what was that? I swear, this thing made Emmanuelle in Space look like goddamn Citizen Kane!

OK, Will, so what did you like? I’ve got to say, huge blue penis aside, I most enjoyed the Dr. Manhattan story. From his detachment from humanity to his origin story to his self-imposed exile in space, I could’ve watched a whole movie about only him and been fine. Sure, the CG was hokey at times, and there was a LOT of blue penis (shit, if I had those powers, I wouldn’t wear pants either. I just got nuked for my country. You’re gonna look at this Smurf dong and like it!), but his tragic story was the most human element of the whole movie. He also looks better when you consider that everyone around him sucks more than he does. He supposedly lacks humanity, while the rest of the Watchmen take theirs for granted. Ozymandias is above everyone. Rorschach’s unwashed, killing child molesters and biting bullies. Silk Spectre is a hanger-on, while Nite Owl was always too scared to live – his fear kept him boring. Don’t get me started on The Comedian… Maybe Dr. Manhattan’s the Data of the story, but he’s probably the most blameless character in the whole thing. For most of the movie, that is. Then you get to the ending.

Oh, the ending. I was fine with how they did it. That whole squid ending in the comic never made much sense to me, and this ending was probably just as believable as that was. I was just glad that the thing was over. My friend, Jay, once said that the projects that he writes are those where the asshole always wins in the end. His reasoning is that if you’re smarter and want it more, there’s no reason that evil can’t triumph over good. With that in mind, Watchmen is his kind of movie. Again, this isn’t a criticism of the story, per se. It had its time and its place. As I’ve said before, I’m fine with the Watchmen Story, I just have a problem with the Watchmen Legacy. Just as many comic creators took the worst parts from the story and used them in their own attempts to “modernize” some Golden Age hero, Zack Snyder took all of the worst aspects of the action movie genre in an attempt to film what was never meant to be filmed. To keep with the ’80s theme, in the words of the immortal Hall & Oates, “I can’t go for that”.

Once again, Shortpacked says it better than I ever could:

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!”

(Courtesy of Shortpacked)

“I believe in Harvey Dent.”

The Dark Knight. OK, so I promised this last week, but I felt I needed to distance myself from the movie enough to really do this justice. Then, I realized there are enough reviews out there, and they’re all glowing. What did I honestly have to bring to the table? Did I love the movie? Yes! Did it make me want to renew my popeship in the Church of Batman? Hells Yeah! However, like every fanboy, a couple of things popped into my head during the movie:

-Nice touch, having Joker kill Spawn. You mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Black mobster, nice suit? That’s Michael Jai White, who played Spawn in the movie where he was trying to kill President Bartlett…

-How did Joker survive the same fall that killed Gwen Stacey?

- I finally understand what it’s like to live in Gotham City: to witness a clown, dressed as a nurse, blow up a hospital, in broad daylight

- OK, so who didn’t see the Rachel Dawes demise coming? Her role was important enough to recast, yet she’s a Batman character who no one’s heard of? Yeah…

- So, Batman now pretty much has a God’s Eye view on Gotham City. That’s the kind of guy who might one day build a satellite to spy on all of his Super Friends. Hmm..

-I wish I had an Alfred. No, I wish I had Michael Caine as my Alfred.

-I love that every new Batman movie includes a “Bruce Wayne is a Dick” scene. It’s like watching deleted scenes from American Psycho, and I still think the Bruce Wayne persona is more fascinating than people give it credit. I think the “I believe in Harvey Dent” slogan is pretty cheesy, but if you really take it to heart, it kinda grows on you.

-Anybody watch Gotham Knight? OK, then why the Hell did they go to the lengths of making us like Anna Ramirez, just to have her turn out to be the 24-esque mole (and why were the creators afraid to call her who she really was: Renee Montoya?)? OK, I can kind of understand why, but I still don’t really get the purpose of that DVD. It didn’t accomplish anything, and it would’ve had more of an impact if it had been released a year ago, as something to hold us over, and included the voices of the actual cast, a la the Hellboy animated DVD series.

- What was with that Batman voice? I think I’m just programmed to only like Kevin Conroy at this point.

-Heath was terrifying. I mean, that performance was incredible, and it certainly paints Joker in a new light. It’s easy to lose sight of what his primary motive is: nothing. There’s no logic, rhyme, nor reason to what he does. I just read Batman: Strange Apparitions, where Joker decided to kill everyone whose name was a palindrome. He opened up the phone book, and went in alphabetical order. That’s how twisted he is! Batman *is* the reason the criminals have upped the ante. When you’ve got a guy dressed as a bat, beating up criminals, it’s going to inspire more colorful foes. At times, he seems to realize this, but he refuses to accept it. If he’d just quit, I kinda feel like the mob would take over Gotham, and all the gimmick villains would simply move to Metropolis….

- So, who’s gonna make all of Batman’s gear now?

-Once again, nice touch moving Bruce to Wayne Tower. That happened back in the 70s, when he felt that the mansion was too far away from the city for him to be effective. I actually feel it’d be a harder secret to keep, what with city planning and all, but it was a nice touch, nonetheless.

-So, they hired Cillian Murphy for 5 minutes? OK…

-And what a letdown on the Anthony Michael Hall tip. His role had been top secret for months, and we all thought he’d be someone we know, like Firefly or maybe a revamped Bob the Goon. Instead, he’s just Random News Guy.

-If there’s one thing I’ve learned that Batman and The Hulk have in common, it’s that they both hate those fucking dogs…

-It’s OK, Bruce – you dodged a bullet. Rachel wasn’t gonna age well anyway…

Now, I’ve been in a state of Batman overload since watching The Dark Knight. In the past 10 days, I have read the following:

Batman: Knightfall Vol. 1 TP
Batman: Knightfall Vol. 2 TP
Batman: Knightfall Vol. 3 TP
Batman: The Long Halloween TP
Batman: Dark Victory TP
Batmn: Ego GN
Batman Adventures: The Lost Years TP
Wonder Woman: The Hiketeia GN

That’s over 1500 pages of Batman! Then, to cap it off, I watched all of Disc 1 of season 4 of Batman: The Animated Series (AKA “The Good Cartoon”). Let’s just say that even I think I’ve gone too far. That said, I realized a new side of Batman, a sadder side. You see, most of those books encompass the period early in his career, as seen in The Dark Knight. The interesting part of that era is that Bruce Wayne seemed to think that “Batman” was temporary. As you even see in the movie, he dreams of the day that crime will be vanquished, and a good, noble, public hero can take his place. He saw Harvey Dent as that person. Bruce felt that one day, he could just walk away and lead a normal life. That doesn’t happen.

I just find that so interesting & depressing – he basically got stuck in a dead-end job, and struggles to accept it(See? It happens to rich people, too!). Declaring a war on crime is akin to declaring a war on terror – it’s a bit naive to believe that there can ever been an end to that war, plus that battle comes at a price. He had to sacrifice his own happiness, his own life, so that he could keep his promise to his dead parents, and rid the streets of crime. Now, Batman’s a pretty intelligent guy. By some accounts, he’s the most intelligent character in the DCU. Now, that said, I find it odd that someone so smart could convince himself that the impossible was actually possible. He’s certainly got a masochistic side, but he couldn’t hope to win. Maybe it was his pampered upbringing, or just the desire to please his parents, but I just don’t see how he ever thought there’d be an end to this life once he put on the cape. Or maybe he’s just punishing himself. Survivor’s Guilt? And I think there’s a story there: at what point did he realize he was in it for the Long Haul? Does he even realize that currently? In early stories, he thinks he’ll one day win, but lately, it seems like he’s Batman because he doesn’t know how to be anything else. The current approach occasionally drives him to do rash things, like keep files on how to kill his friends or build a sentient satellite to spy on those same friends. I just wonder, 9 years into his career, does he even want to stop? Could he stop? What would he do if he did stop being Batman? Like I said, I really think there’s a story there.

Anyway, The Dark Knight was incredible. If you haven’t seen it, you’re no longer my friend.