An Open Letter to Octavia Spencer & Viola Davis Regarding The 2012 Academy Awards
Dear Ms Spencer & Ms Davis,
First off, allow me to congratulate you on your nominations for the 2012 Oscars. While I have yet to see The Help, all of my white friends tell me that it's "A-MAH-zing". I guess that means that they really liked it. Now, I realize that we're a few decades removed from the Civil Rights Movement, but sadly many of us are still seen as representations for our entire race. This is especially true when we are on a public stage. So, while I sincerely applaud your talent, I do have to make one small request: should you win, PLEASE do not do anything stupid on your way to the podium. I figured this was a good time to go over some award show etiquette.
DON'T give your award away to some random old dude who doesn't even know who you are.
Jack Lemmon was in Grumpy Old Men! He don't need yo' award!
DON'T go kiss Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper up there on stage!
Y'all forgot this, didn't you? You know something's up when Mr. Tibbs himself has a look on his face like, "Denzel better let go of that white woman." Check out the clip on YouTube and look at Russell Crowe's face. I'm surprised we didn't have riots the day after this. Nah, we were too busy bootlegging Training Day tapes from Blockbuster.
DON'T lost your shit onstage. There's something to be said about humility:
Cuba Gooding Jr. Oscar Acceptance Speech by
Do you know how hard it was to find an embeddable clip of that moment? The Gooding Hollywood Influence goes strong!
Finally, once you've got your Oscar in hand, DON'T take any and every job that comes your way
Ease up a little. Show some restraint. After all, you're representing us all.
So, now that we've got that out of the way, can I hold $100? Just email me or whatever.
Your pal,
Will
The Gang Goes Seinfeld All Over Their Asses
Unless you're new here, you know that I know next to nothing about sports. As a result, I tend to relate even less to sports fans. And don't get me started on fantasy teams! Nope, not a sports guy. What I do know, however, is TV. Sometimes, when I really get into a show, I start thinking about how things could've gone differently. This morning, I had quite the revelation about the darling of Must See TV, Seinfeld.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you've surely caught an episode of Seinfeld in syndication. You've probably seen all the watercooler episodes, like Soup Nazi, Man Hands, and Mulva. If you're like me, you've seen them all. As it was marketed, Seinfeld was a "show about nothing". Or so they claimed. You see, in the finale, they decide to pull the finale macguffin that "everything wasn't as it seemed." Sure, it wasn't anything as daring as the Roseanne finale, but the thesis was that the Seinfeld crew were, and always had been, assholes. To sum it up, the gang are on the way to LA, but the plane has to make an emergency landing in a small town. While there, they notice a fat guy being mugged, but instead of helping him, they just kinda laugh. Since this was a violation of a newly-instated "bystander law", which required citizens to intervene in such cases, the four are arrested. At this point, several guest stars from the past are paraded into the courtroom to support the idea that, yes, the four are horrible, horrible assholes. Episode ends with them being sentenced for a year, and our last image is of them on their cell.
I HATED that finale. It served to give the show a retroactive thesis that didn't exist. Sure, they were all selfish characters, but they never did anything malicious. Their biggest crime was probably that they were always looking out for themselves, which, at times, *may* have been at the expense of others. The parade of cameos was almost necessary to build this case against them, but it really came off as "Larry David doesn't know how to end this show."
That finale bothered me so much that I couldn't watch syndicated episodes for over a DECADE. Seriously, the show ended in 98, and I just started watching again last year. What brought me back? I got into syndicated eps of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and one season's plot concerned a "Seinfeld Reunion". From a TV fan perspective, it's so unique to a see reunion take place within the story of another show. The only other example that comes to mind is the Night Court reunion on 30 Rock. I also enjoyed the idea because the ideas being thrown around actually sounded like Seinfeld ideas, and not something from left field like that finale.
So, how'd we get here? Well, this morning, it dawned on me that the Seinfeld finale was PERFECT...for another series. That show: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I've often felt it to be the show that "out-Seinfelded" Seinfeld. Sure, they own a bar, but that's just a setting. At the end of the day, it's another show about nothing. That said, the characters will go to malicious lengths to get what they want. They been addicted to crack, conned a priest into becoming a crackwhore, opened the bar to minors, tricked pro-lifers into unprotected sex, bought a boat to seduce women on international waters, etc. And that's just the first few seasons. There's no other way for the show to end BUT for them to all be in a jail cell. So, the Sunny gang has Larry David to thank, as he's already done the heavy lifting on what will be the beat sendoff for their show. As the show is currently in its 7th season, they reportedly have 2 more to go. Charlie Day's been popping up in real movies, while Rob McElhenney's starting up 2 new shows. So, it's only a matter of time before they have to pull that trigger. Seeing as how they've done amazing parodies of Million Dollar Baby and Catfish, I'd love to see them go out with a parody of the Seinfeld finale. It would finally put that story to good use.
Thrift Justice – What You Leave Behind
It's funny when people find out about my whole thrifting obsession. One of the first questions I get is "Where do you keep all of the stuff?" Well, it's spread across the state of Maryland in various strongholds. Or am I lying? The point I wanted to make today is that, contrary to popular belief, I don't buy every quirky little thing that I come across. In fact, there are a lot of items that I'm simply thrilled to see, and don't really need to go through the trouble of lugging them home. There have been many items that caught my eye for various reasons, but I had to leave them where they were. I thought I'd share a few of those with you today.
If this isn't your first time here, then you already know that I have an unhealthy affinity for boybands. It is what it is. That said, it was a lot worse when I was in high school. I bought more YM and Teen People than any heterosexual male should ever purchase. I couldn't help it, though - every issue seemed to focus on some boyband du jour, and I LOVED the embarrassing stories letter columns. Those chicks were TOTALLY MORTIFIED!
Anyway, I just found the cover to this to be hilarious. 98 Degrees were in a weird place, as they actually came out prior to the boyband explosion, and then had to change their image to fit with the times. Just look at the nerdlinger in the middle. I STILL don't know how he got in that group. Was he just a really old Make-A-Wish patient or something?
Once upon a time, Haim Saban gave birth to a really gifted child, known as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Since Haim had a success on his hands, and he LOVED money, he decided to give birth to another child. This second child would take advantage of the world's new fascination with the concept of "virtual reality". He created VR Troopers, in which a bro, his black friend, and the chick who won't let him bang, all have the ability to enter a VR world, where they fight a white businessman who hasn't yet learned that the real fun is in foreclosures. Oh, and there's also a talking dog. Anyway, Saban's second child was seen as the retard of the dynasty, and we done away with after 2 seasons. What you're seeing is a GIANT figure of main character Ryan Steele in his VR form. This thing is a good 15 inches, at least. It was made by Kenner, so it boasts minimal articulation. There was a part of me that felt it would make a quirky mantle piece, but I just didn't want such a totem of failure messing up my chi. So, I had to leave Ryan behind.
OK, now this one is a real kicker. I was in an antique mall, and stumbled upon this little piece of history. You're not going to be able to read the text, so let me spell it out for you. On the left is a letter written to James Earl Ray, who you might know from history class as Martin Luther King's convicted assassin. I put the word "convicted" in there, as an article featured in the New Times magazine on the right implied that King's death was part of a vast conspiracy. If you want to know more about that, there's always Google and Wikipedia. No, the interesting part is on the left. It was a letter sent to Ray while he was in prision. The author of the letter was giving Ray his support, saying that the article had provided enough evidence that the case should be reopened. At the bottom of this letter, Ray actually wrote a reply, with prisoner number, signature, and all. It's also funny that he writes "Ray" the same way it was written on the movie poster for the Ray Charles biopic. Now, THAT would be a conspiracy!
Before he became an internet meme and Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was just a dude with a beard who starred in borderline shitty movies. He also had a actually shitty 80s cartoon, called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. Ya know, considering how many shows kept replacing "C" with "K" in their titles, it's no wonder our generation can barely read. Hell, one of your friends might be reading this aloud to you as we speak! But I digress...The 80s were an odd time, what with deregulation and all, where you could have a 5-episode miniseries that's rerun throughout an entire season and also spawns a toy line. FIVE EPISODES! But that's exactly what happened here.
I got one of the figures when they first came out. Still have him. You can't imagine the torture I inflicted on that thing. The one toy that I always wanted, however, was his car (or would that be "kar"?). Actually, its proper name is the "Karate Corvette." I honestly can't believe they didn't go with "Korvette"; who was steering this ship?! Oddly enough, I've been having dreams about this toy lately. Don't ask why - I couldn't tell you myself. The dreams must have been an omen, however, that the Karate Corvette would soon enter my life. Ever since I started doing these thrift runs, I had a mental list of toys that I expected to see, and this car was always on it. Last week, my search was over, as it was right before my eyes. This car is 80s badassery cranked up to 11. Not only is it a Corvette, which was THE pussydrencher automobile of the decade, but it had fucking ninja blades that popped out of the sides and hood! It's like a 4-wheeled assault on homeless guys who try to wash your windows at red lights! I always wanted this car, but this one wasn't in the best shape, plus it's almost the size of a Barbie Corvette. No, I would have to leave it behind. After all, Chuck can't drive it in the World of Warcraft, anyway.
Back when I was 12, and before I learned that they showed boobs during Masterpiece Theatre, Ghostwriter was the coolest thing on PBS. Basically, it's about a bunch of New York tweens who solve mysteries through the power of literacy. They were aided by Ghostwriter, who appeared like a karaoke ball and would rearrange available letters to send them messages. Sure, it sounds pretty dumb now, but it was pretty engrossing, especially when most story arcs were 4-5 episodes long - somewhat unheard of in children's programming. None of those kids went anywhere, except for Spanish Kid #2 who ended up as Token Gay Guy on The Real World: Philadelphia. Nope, no room for this in my lair. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed off that they never got around to telling Ghostwriter's origin!
Blue Collar Ninja! How awesome is that?! It's like something out of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I'm STILL kicking myself for leaving him behind. He would've looked GREAT on a shelf, but I was put off by his bootleg nature. He looked like the kind of thing that would just fall apart once I got him out of the bag. Blue collar ninja! He pays bills, drives a truck, and SILENTLY KILLS PEOPLE!
So, on that note, I think I'll wrap this up. This is most likely the last Thrift Justice post of 2011, so I thank you all for joining me for the ride. Be sure to come back in 2012, when I'll be another year older, yet hopefully just as funny. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!
Thrift Justice: YSE – Yard FAILS
So, you read all of these posts, and you simply MUST wonder at all of the luck that I seem to have. "Where does he get all those wonderful toys?" Well, my friends, it's not all sunshine and sloppy joes over here at Casa West. You see I, like you, sometimes fail. I've been trying to put this post together for a while, but recent events seemed to dictate that now was the time. During my last real yard sale run, I decided to bring trooperlite along with me. Known as "Special Forces" from my TRU days, we both share a love of thrifting and Power Rangers. I figured it'd be fun to have a partner in crime, so off we went. And this was single-handedly the worst yard sale run I've ever experienced. He apologized for jinxing me - while I don't blame him for my misfortune, it probably was his fault. I mean, when I'm alone, I'm UNSTOPPABLE! All kidding aside, though, I've found that "you can't win 'em all", and every trip is still a learning experience. I figured I'd let you in on a few of my biggest yard fails. NOTE: The pictures are crappy to hide my shame.
Transformers are proving to be my blind spot. I can't pretend to know more about Transformers than Bumblebee, Optimus Prime, and Megatron. I have the Transformers knowledge of a suburban soccer mom - "Ooh, look how cool and yellow this little guy is!" That said, I know that TF toys are highly collectible, so I find myself taking chances on things that I really shouldn't. If there's one thing I've learned, it's "stick with what you know". I don't yet have a TF expert in the fold, so this had led to quite a few disappointments. Mainly, I've learned that you'll NEVER find a complete Transformer in a yard sale/thrift store capacity. That being said, for me the main criterion is "Can it still transform?" Basically, if it can still be changed from mode to mode, and isn't missing important appendages, it's good enough for me. Even worse is when dealing with Beast Wars/Beast Machines toys. About a month ago, I bought around 12 Beast Wars figures, and after sorting through them I could say that only 3 of them were anywhere near a "complete" state. That's why there are very few Transformers items coming to Will's World of Wonder - I don't want to pass off crap to people. If you see a TF toy on there, it's been extensively researched to make sure it's worthy of someone's collection. *end of shameless plug*
ALWAYS check DVD packages! If it's open, make sure the disc is in there! You see, a few months back, I discovered the USA show PSYCH, and fell in love. Where had this show been all my life? So, as luck would have it, the following week I ran across a yard sale near my house. This yard sale was a bit shady, based on the quality of items I saw. A recent trend I've noticed is that the popularity of Storage Wars has gotten more people into the storage auction game. Unfortunately for them, most units aren't filled with rare artifacts, but rather the personal effects of some single mom as she left town under the cover of night. So, they win these lockers, and then host yard sales to make their money back. Everything is usually a dollar, because it's dirty and/or there's no guarantee that it works. That's exactly the kind of sale that this was. However, I conveniently forgot all of this when I looked on his DVD table and saw PSYCH Season 1. I can experience this magical show from the beginning! And for a mere American dollar! God bless America! So, I snatched it up, along with some other things, and I paid the man. So, I got home, and threw it on the shelf with the rest of the unwatched DVDs. A few weeks later, I decided to check it out, and I noticed that there was a disc missing. Damn it! And not just any disc, but Disc ONE - with the pilot episode. Double Damn it! I wanted to see how it all began. If I wanted to see any random ass episode, I'd just watch ION late at night. So, I can't sell it without a Disc 1, but it'd also be foolish to buy a new one just for one disc (which I almost did on Black Friday). Curse you, yard sale guy!!!!
You'd think I'd learned my lesson with that yard sale guy, right? Wrong. You see, he managed to approach me in such a way that I found myself visiting his weekly sale throughout the season. Here's how he did it: I wanted some IKEA desk lamps that he had, but I wasn't sure if they worked. I asked him about them, but he answered that he didn't know. Great sales pitch, right? He, then, followed up with this pearl of wisdom: "Think of it like a scratch-off ticket. It's only a dollar. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but you're only out a dollar." The greasy prophet was RIGHT! And I LOVE scratch-off tickets! Seriously, my aunt started buying them for me when I was 8, and I've loved a good scratcher since then. In fact, it's part of the reason that I don't regularly carry cash - if I end up at a 7/11, I'm wasting that money on scratch-off tickets. I wouldn't say I have a gambling addiction, as I'm not betting on the ponies, nor have I been to a casino. I will say that I'm addicted to "chance". So, after that beautiful soliloquy, he had me as a loyal customer.
So, what did I end up foolishly buying? A used Super Nintendo. I never had one growing up, but I figured it would fit in nicely with the rest of my antiquated gaming systems, like my Sega Saturn and my Gamecube. Again, I asked him if it worked, and because it was higher than the $1 price, he guaranteed me that it worked. He even threw in some games, like Super Mario All-Stars and some other notable stuff. At the end of it all, I threw down $10. OK, audience: who knows what happened when I got home? Did the SNES work? OF COURSE IT DIDN'T! My dumb fault, I know. So, the next week, I went back to his sale (remember, these were a weekly occurrence) and told him how the system didn't work. He feigned surprise, and was like, "Here, take some more games." He grabbed all the SNES games he had left, and piled them up in my arms. Excellent customer service, right? Well, yeah, unless you realize one small tidbit: I DIDN'T HAVE A WORKING SYSTEM ON WHICH TO PLAY THEM! So, now I've got a shitload of SNES games that I can't play, nor can I even test them to sell. I'll tell you this, though: the minute yard sale season starts back up, I'll be right back there at his sale. I'm a sucker.
Epiloque
So, based on the weather, the "yard sale season" is pretty much over. Even still, mixed in with various holiday and church bazaars, I've managed to find a few yard sales. Last week, I made somewhat of a dumb purchase. It's not exactly a "fail", but it's hardly a success. Yes, I bought a Disney animation cell. It's from Robin Hood, and on the back it's signed by the voice actor for the character. Pretty nice, right? Except for 2 things: 1) they stored it in their attic, so it has sustained some sort of heat damage and 2) the autograph is made out to "the Levitts". So, I spent money on a damaged item that was personalized for someone else. But it's a Disney animation cell!!! I've spent $25 on worse, and at least I didn't have to get tested afterwards!
So, the yard sale season may be over, but I've still got more stories you haven't heard. Summer may be over, but Thrift Justice: YSE is just getting started!
Off To See The Wizard…
So, in an effort to sort out my junk room, I decided that I could probably start with my longbox of Wizard publications. I quickly tired of being reminded of Wetworks and Vampirella books, so I decided to focus on my issues of Toyfare instead. For those not really "in the know", Toyfare was a monthly magazine published by the fine folks who also gave the world Wizard: The Guide to Comics (which later rebranded itself as a "Men's Pop Culture Magazine", whatever that means). Anyway, Wizard used to highlight toys, but as the industry ramped up, there was too much to report than the meager 2 pages in Wizard allowed, so the toy focus was spun off into its own magazine. At its best, Toyfare gave an in-depth look at fan favorite toy lines. At its worst, it was a glorified toy catalog. To be honest, "glorified" doesn't even fit, as regular toy catalogs at least listed prices - something Toyfare couldn't be bothered to do in many cases. Anyway, while flipping through the pages, a few thoughts came to mind, and I figured I'd share them here.
-What happened to Palisades Toys? I was never a Muppets fan, but I could respect that they truly paid attention to detail in making those Muppets toys.
-Diamond Select should've been run out of business for those horrible Serenity figures. I've actually said this to DST staffers. They like to change the subject when that line is brought up. I'm no Serenity fan, but I know a slap in the face when I see it.
-Did Hasbro ever present a use for those Jedi Master points?
-Is bbi still around? I remember they used to make those awesomely detailed solider dolls. Sometimes they'd use a Hollywood likeness without ever really securing the rights. So, instead of a Saving Private Ryan doll, it'd be a "World War II Officer" with a Tom Hanks face or something.
-An issue from 2002 stated that we had a better shot of seeing a Thundercats revival before a true G.I. Joe renaissance. Huh.
-The book REALLY started to suck when they took a parody approach to the articles. It was cute for the April Fools issue, but for a good 3 years every article in the book was like a Robot Chicken skit. While Robot Chicken showed that approach could be funny, it just gets tired in print.
-I wonder how many of the toys previewed in Toyfare actually NEVER came to fruition. I know for a fact that King of the Hill Series 2 never came out. That was when everyone wanted to jump on the interactive soundchip playset bandwagon, but I guess Toycom realized they couldn't swing it.
-When they started posting the Complete Photo Guides to toy lines, that made the magazine worth the price of admission.
-Near the end, they were just reprinting the movie articles from Wizard, seeing as how comic movies also tended to have toylines.
-I never realized how many 80s Toy Quizzes they published. That magazine survived an extra 3 years just by jerking off fans to fantasies of a M.A.S.K. revival.
Culling the ranks of the Toyfare stash didn't take much time, so then I cam back around for the herculean task of weeding out the Wizards. After all, I had a complete run for about 10 years or so. Along the way, I noticed a few interesting things:
-Where is Christina Z these days? For those not in the know, she was the first woman to make Wizard's Top 10 Writers List, and she used to write Witchblade back when it was all T&A. That way, whenever someone criticized it for being a T&A book, Top Cow could protest, "No, it's written by a woman!" Her last publicized work was Jenna Jameson's Shadow Hunter. I bet that wasn't a T&A book at all...
-Paula Cole should sing "Where have all the CCGs gone?"
-I don't want anything to do with J. Scott Campbell until he finishes Wildsiderz.
-Brandon Jerwa started his career on G.I. Joe with a fan submission
-I had no idea Fox has been using the "Animation Domination" name for its Sunday block since 2005!
-Broken Promises: Bryan Singer's Ultimate X-Men arc
-Broken Promises: Jeff Loeb & J. Scott Campbell's Spidey title
-Broken Promises: When Bendis left The Pulse, he said it would continue with another writer. This didn't happen.
-Yay! Kubert's on Batman. Surely, he'll have a long run on this book!
-In '03, J.Scott Campbell went exclusive with DC. Can anyone name what came from that? Anyone? No, because NOTHING came from that contract.
-Why did they stop making DC Minimates?
-There was actually an article called "Treasured Chests", where they compared the cleavage of Talia Al Ghul, Power Girl, and some Wildstorm chick.
-Kia Asamiya. Yes, I get that everyone had Manga Fever, but WHO THE FUCK PUT HIM ON X-MEN?!!!
-Broken Promises: Loeb & Lee's promised post-Hush 6-issue arc on Batman.
-Before they diversified their brand with Pilot Season, Top Cow was pretty much just, "Hey, kids! Tits!"
-After Chaos went under, Lady Death went to the Code 6 imprint at Crossgen. Now, she's at Avatar, under the Boundless imprint. Lady Death: She Doesn't Just LOOK Like The Village Bicycle!
-There was an Olympic ad in the March 2002 issue. Like, a real brand, and not some e-store or superhero-inspired motorcycle jackets. The actual Olympics, with the athletes and shit. SO out of place.
-Chaos allowed fans to serve as associte editors on books. They spun it as "interaction", but it was really just cheap labor. They went under soon afterwards.
-Only in 2002 could Joe Mad make the Top 10 Most Influential Artists List. He ranked higher than Sienkiewicz!!!
-Broken Promises: Kevin Smith was supposed to take over Amazing Spider-Man, and JMS was to move over to a new book. Smith also said in interviews that he only agreed if they would allow him to reunite MJ and Peter.
-Broken Promises: Kevin Smith was also announced as the writer of a new iteration of Brave and the Bold just before signing an exclusive with Marvel.
-Based on the number of articles, Fathom "returned" about 12 times, but never actually finished.
-Top Cow has been streamlining its universe since 2001, with no end in sight. The first event, Universe, made Tomb Raider & Fathom part of TC canon...interesting, seeing as how both properties are no longer under the TC umbrella.
-Where is Devin Grayson? Did her career end at the same time as her relationship with Mark Waid?
-I think the best depiction of Rogue was the promo image to her Icons mini. She's strong and athletic - believably 19 (which is the age she's rumored to be), and not a busty, 30-something skunkhead.
-Alicia Witt would've been a MUCH better Mary Jane in the Spider-Man movies.
-Instead of rushing to reprint them, Bill Jemas put the Ultimate titles online, 12 pages at a time, to "reward the readers and retailers who jumped on the Ultimate bandwagon at the beginning, thus making those initial issues all the more valuable." - 2001
-In 2001, Poison Elves creator Drew Hayes signed an unprecedented 50 year deal with Sirius Entertainment. While this was clearly a publicity stunt, Drew would pass away in 2007.
-Casting Call: Geoff Johns cast Heath Ledger as Wally West and Owen Wilson as Trickster.
-Issue #110's letter column only featured mail sent by prisoners.
-They used to have a column called "oops..." where they made corrections to previous stories. This was phased out in later years, as the entire magazine became one giant collection of typos and mistakes.
-Broken Promises: Top Cow got the A-Team rights in 2000. Did nothing with them.
-Did America ever get Bandai's handheld system, the WonderSwan Color?
-They were REALLY pushing for Brendan Fraser to be Superman, as they cast him in 3 different Casting Call articles over the years.
-Casting Call: Tom Selleck as Tony Stark, Kevin Sorbo as Thor, and Howie Long as Cap. This would've been fine...in 1990. They also cast Howie Long as Duke in G.I. Joe. Wizard really liked Howie Long.
-The same character was named "Venus", "Sexbot", and finally "Aphrodite IX"
-Finally, back when DC did the whole Superman Red/Blue thing, a few high profile artists were asked to redesign Superman's iconic suit. One of those artists happened to be Jim Lee. Looks like he's been married to that high-collar design for quite some time...
So, what were your favorite Toyfare/Wizard memories?
Adventures West Coast: RED TPB
I shouldn't have watched the movie first! I did that with V for Vendetta, and I did it again here. It's not what you think, though - most people say "The book is MUCH better than the movie". Of course, I'm not most people. In both cases that I mentioned, I enjoyed the movies immensely, while I found the direction of the books to somewhat lackluster. Again, I'm not sure if it would've made any difference in which order I read the book/watched the movie, but I still came away enjoying the movies more. If you've ever really wanted to examine the process of how source material gets "Hollywooded" on the way to the theater, you can't find a better example of that than RED.
I'll admit that I never had much desire to read RED before I heard there was a movie coming. There had been some buzz when the comic released, mainly due to its creators, Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner. I've never been a huge fan of either, so the initial release just slipped under my radar. Once the trailers started to hit for the movie, however, I thought it might be worth checking out. I think I would describe the movie as "Grumpier Old Men Meets The A-Team". It's got a surprisingly impressive cast, including Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, Richard Dreyfuss, and John Malkovich. It's a wildly enjoyable film about retired spies who, when forced out of retirement, prove that they've still got it. Oh, and the title? It stands for "Retired Extremely Dangerous", which is the official status of Bruce Willis's character, Frank Moses. The movie's got humor, it was action-packed, and it was a nice little guilty pleasure film. The book, not so much.
RED follows Frank Moses, a former CIA agent who's trying to get used to living the retired life. Outside of phone calls with his handler, he really doesn't seem to have much contact with the outside world. Once a new director is appointed to the agency, he discovers Frank's file and is appalled by all that he learns. After all, the Old CIA got its hands a lot dirtier than it does today, and the director feared what might happen if details of those old missions got out via a FOIA request or something. So, for some reason, he feels the need to order Frank's assassination. This part was odd to me, as it would probably be easier to just destroy the files. I mean, maybe the director didn't like knowing such a skilled killer was out in the world, but surely Frank wasn't the only one, right? Is he just going to start assassinating any former agent with a pension?! Anyway, agents stage an ambush on Frank's house, but he ends up killing them and going on the run. Up to this point, the movie and book were aligned pretty well, but things were about to get a LOT different.
In the movie, Frank tracks down his handler, played by Mary-Louise Parker. He kinda, sorta abducts her, but she wanted to go, as she was somewhat enamored with his former lifestyle. On the run, they gradually meet up with his old friends and associates, and hilarity ensues. In the book, however, when he meets his handler, he almost kills her. It's only a last second decision to leave her alive. He gains access to the agency, and the three-issue story ends as he begins a shootout within the CIA.
First off, the book is DARK. There's no humor, and it's got little meat to it. Basically, old agent gets mad and then kills those who made him mad. I've read Wolverine stories with more depth to them. If anything, the movie could only be said to be inspired by the book. While reading it, you can kind of see how the Hollywood process might take over and stretch things around, and that's exactly what happened. Because it's such a short story (three issues), there's a lot of wiggle room that allows you to expand on parts. As it's written, RED would've made a decent online short for the Warner Bros site or something, but there's not much for a full film, which is probably by WB passed on the project.
Also, I feel the biggest letdown is the fact that the supporting characters simply don't exist in the book. Sure, they change the tone of the story, but they also helped to make it much more enjoyable. You know how Ted's the most boring character in How I Met Your Mother? Well, the same could be said for Frank Moses. The real story is how he's sort of the eye of this crazy, espionage-filled hurricane - he's interesting because of the people and circumstances surrounding him. Now, around the release of the movie, DC did release some prequel one-shots focusing on the newly added film characters, but I'm not sure if they were worked into the mythos in an organic way, or if it was merely a cash grab. The bottom line is that they were not part of the original story that served as the inspiration for the film.
So, my final thought? Skip this book. It's not really worth the money, seeing as how it's 3 issues and some supplemental stuff. In all honesty, the story felt rushed, like it was going to be cancelled due to low sales or something. It could have easily been 4-6 issues, but I guess Ellis and Hamner felt they had told the story they set out to tell in those three issues that we got. If you want a fully enjoyable experience, loosely based on the RED universe, then hit up Redbox or Netflix for the movie.
Back & Fourth: My Journey Into The Classroom
In my attempt to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I've found myself saddled with watching a 4th grade class during their lunch period. First, let's roll it back a little. You see, the school where I work had 2 campuses. That quake that everyone made fun of for being weak and puny? Well, it destroyed our second campus. We've all been under one roof for the past 2 months, but our board just decided to call it a day, and officially made us one school. This also resulted in 25 staff members being laid off. But still we move forward or some jazz. So, we all gotta pitch in like the war effort, and I've been given Mrs Doubtfire duty (I dress like a woman for kicks). What I found, however, is that it's not that bad. I mean, fourth graders are almost like real people. It's really fascinating. They don't even eat their meals out of feed bowls. I tell ya, I'm learning all sorts of Discovery Channel shit from this! So, since I had them at my disposal, I figured I'd try to get to know them - ya know, really get into the head of a typical 4th grader in America.
First up, they're all really into werewolves and vampires. Half the class has already read Twilight, which is shocking and sad at the same time. I asked if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. They totally had some opinions there. Predominantly, however, it seems to be a werewolf skewing class. In fact, yesterday they explained to me how they'd been sired. Apparently, Sean was bitten, and then he scratched Mike, who then bit Carter, and so on. I can't wait to hear their thoughts on cooties and the AIDS epidemic. Anyway, I asked if their parents every caught them turning into werewolves at night. They said no, but that a few of their parents suspected they might be werewolves.
Next, they showed me a Scholastic book that was a Who's Who of the monster scene. I'm talking chupacabra, vampires, werewolves, snakewomen harpies, the works! When we got to the page of a succubus, Ken said "That's my girlfriend right there." "Oh, really?" I asked. "How did you two meet?" He said "Well, she was sick and in the hospital. I turned her into a vampire and saved her." Kid never missed a beat. Like Kenneth from 30 Rock, "In 5 years, we'll either be working for him, or dead by his hand."
Today, I asked them about the movies they'd seen recently, which they'd always counter with a "Did you see ____?" One girl told me that she had seen Black Swan. Yes, THAT Black Swan. I asked who let her watch that thing, and she said she'd watched it with her grandpa. I asked her what she thought of it. I loved her response: "It was scary...and inappropriate." From the mouths of babes!
Since they were the correct demographic, I decided to allow them to settle an online debate for me: what did they think of Power Rangers Samurai? After all, adult fans hate it, but it's not for us. It's for the kids. Apparently, and I quote, "Power Rangers Samurai is the most awesome Power Rangers ever!" Keep in mind, they also lost their collective shit when I mentioned Supah Ninjas. Plus, I don't trust any kid that doesn't watch iCarly (half of the class is comprised of girls, and none of them watch iCarly!).
I also found out that WAY too many of them are watching Family Guy, American Dad, and The Boondocks. I told one, "You're too young for The Boondocks!" he just shook his head and said "I know. When I go over to my cousin's house, he's always watching it."
Once we got on the topic of animation, one of them mentioned The Simpsons, which one girl called "the most boringest show in the history of ever."
So, it looks like The Cos was right - kids really DO say the darnedest things! Anyway, I figure if I've gotta be stuck with them, I might as well use them for comedy material. Tune in next time, when we tackle comics, video games, and Nicki Minaj!
Adventures West Coast: Complete Strangers In Paradise (Pocket Edition)
Oh, Strangers In Paradise! This is one that I've been dreading for some time. I'd always wanted to read the series, as it was THE indie darling of the 90s. Most of all, it was always at the top of all those "Which Comics Would My Girlfriend Would Love?" lists. A few years back, the series was collected in a bunch of digesty "Pocket Edition" books, so I saw that as a great time for me to give them a shot.
(courtesy of Comics Bulletin)
Strangers In Paradise, by Terry Moore, is really structured like a sitcom. It's got a supporting cast of zany characters, there are 6 volumes (just like 6 seasons of a sitcom), and it's got a will they/won't they? love story. However, for all my TV knowledge, I can't figure out which network would air this thing. The title isn't a clever play on words, so it couldn't air on USA. It's about lesbians, but not the hot kind, so no Showtime. The plot kinda goes off the rails at points, in Nip/Tuck fashion, but it's too gyno-centric for F/X. I guess we'll just throw it on Lifetime between some Meredith Baxter Birney movies.
Here's the deal: Francine Peters and Katina "Katchoo" Choovanski have been friends since childhood. Francine's chubby and has low self-esteem, so she dates douchebags. Meanwhile, Katchoo had a rough childhood, so she's grown into an empowered feminist who doesn't live by society's rules. Right there, you've got a Thelma & Louise situation, and Katchoo struggles to make Francine see how wonderful she is. Then, you begin to see that there's more to Francine & Katchoo than just "sista girl empowerment". A couple of times, they get close but Francine pushes away because she wasn't raised to think that was OK. Enter David: a struggling artist who falls madly in love with Katchoo, but she's having none of it, as she's just not into nice guys. So, there's our love triangle. David loves Katchoo, Katchoo loves Francine, and Francine loves Katchoo, but won't give in to those feelings. Simple enough, right? Brace yourself for what's next.
See, it turns out that there's more to Katchoo than simply an abusive father. She moved away from Francine during high school, and the details of those years had been a mystery. It turns out that Katchoo was a high class escort, working for madame/businesswoman Darcy Parker. Katchoo was Darcy's best girl, and they'd even become lovers for a time. Darcy only pimped her girls out to politicians, which earned her a bit of political clout. One night, Katchoo and another call girl decided they'd had enough, and they plotted a way out of Darcy's empire. They stole some money, and a politician ended up dead. Fast forward to the present: Darcy has figured out that Katchoo stole her money, and sends a bunch of muscle after her to get it back. At this point, Katchoo's trying to live a normal life as an artist, while trying to figure out if she loves Francine or David. Then, we find out that David is *spoiler alert* Darcy's brother, who actually knew about Katchoo's past. Oh, and the muscle sent after Katchoo? It turns out to be her own twin sisters, Tambi and Bambi - sired by the same abusive father. Yeah.
Then there's some kind of weird flash forward thing, where Francine & Katchoo are now Camryn Manheim & Melissa Ethridge, raising their two adult daughters in a log cabin or something. One of the daughters is trying to be a writer, and she decides to write about the love story of her "2 moms". So, then the story basically turns into the series finale of Roseanne (remember that? Dan DIED?! Becky actually married DAVID?! Of course Jackie was gay!). So from this point on, it's not clear if the events are actually happening, or is they're just the result of creative license being taken in order to make the book-within-a-book more interesting.
I could get into all the side characters, like Casey and Freddie, but they're just the comic relief, and I'd hate to spoil the INSANITY they bring to the table. Basically, when the story starts to get too heavy, Casey gets a boob job or Freddie gets emasculated by a woman. Haha!
The beauty of all the characters is that they're flawed. Even a guy like Freddie has a sympathetic side, and you start to understand why he is like he is. I will say, however, that the series is uneven. It goes from Three's Company to Twin Peaks at the drop of a hat. Not to mention that it's too damn long. Indie books don't have to keep the same schedule as Marvel and DC, as there's more involved with the production of a self-published book. That said, it felt like Terry Moore just got to the point where he was just writing the book to write it; it stopped feeling like it was headed anywhere. There's even the false ending in volume 5, where you learn that Francine & Katchoo are happily together, with kids. So, why the reset button? It's not like they had a time machine or anything, so why get temporal with things? The last 2 volumes don't really make the reset seem worthwhile. We end up with more out of place characters, like Francine's husband Brad, and his rock star brother, Griffin. If SiP is a sitcom, volume 5 is the season where the main couple have a baby and/or Cousin Oliver/Pam/Seven comes to live with the family. It just wasn't necessary. Oh, and David gets a brain tumor.
Due to the way that the story ebbs and flows, it almost feels like the periodical isn't the right format for the book. Its pacing lends itself better to the world of the newspaper strip, akin to Funky Winkerbean or something. I guess it was groundbreaking to tackle a soap opera like this in the comic format. Sure, there had been romance comics in the early days of the industry, but those stories were typically done-in-one tales. This was a multi-year, multilayered story that's really impressive in scope when you look back at it. I do, however, feel bad for anyone who read this in sequential form, as the story tends to gain and lose momentum almost without warning. In all, it was an impressive experiment to build an indie series around such an intense, soap operatic format, but I don't know if it resulted in an even, well-rounded story.
Thrift Justice – Strapped For Cash
I've got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I'm still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I've picked up recently. Let's jump right in, shall we?
First up, we've got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don't really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I've ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don't have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don't really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.
I love the Power Rangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I've been tracking down old morphers like it's my job. I'm not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I've been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they're models that came out after I stopped buying, so I've been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.
My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn't jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn't ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!
This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I've been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn't come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I'm still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.
I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I'd wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don't care. Referred to as "The Strap" by the professionals, I'd always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I've yet to win the lottery, so I don't have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they're Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I'm honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I'd NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That's more my speed.
I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I'm probably America's biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn't want these at $10 apiece. I'm pretty sure they didn't cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and 'NSYNC merchandise isn't really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.
Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!
The Stan Lee Panel – Day 2 of Baltimore Comic-Con 2011
This is Part 2 of a 2-part saga. In case you missed Part 1, click here: Go ahead, I'll wait. Done? Good. The following takes place on Sunday, August 21 from 3:00 PM to 5:00 PM.
So I didn't take part in much of Day 2 of the con. I slept 12 hrs the night before, so I got a late start. I braved torrential rain and traffic to get there right before the start of Stan's panel. Thanks to that pricey VIP I'd shelled out for, I just walked right in.
Jimmy Palmiotti was hosting the panel, and he asked us to really show Stan how much we appreciated him by giving him a huge entrance. It's not like Jimmy had to ask - we're talking about The Man here! Anyway, Stan entered with security to a rousing standing ovation. Once Stan got on stage, he told us that he had caught a bit of a bug over the weekend. He said he'd been talking all weekend, and he was all talked out. This wasn't a cop-out, however. Instead, he said that he wanted us to ask him questions since he didn't know what to talk about.
What followed turned into what could best be described as a "love fest". Fan after fan came up to the mic to thank Stan. Many of them told touching stories of how Stan's comics had affected them. One guy was a speech pathologist who uses comics to help his clients. One woman was in college to be an animator - inspired by the Marvel comics she'd been introduced to by her uncle. A woman dressed as Poison Ivy shared that she was a military wife, and that her relationship with her husband had bloomed due to comics. He's currently deployed in Afghanistan, but their shared love of comics helps them to reconnect and strengthen their relationship. It was clear that much of the audience could relate to a lot of how comics had touched their lives, so I almost wish they had orchestrated an audience unison "thank you" to move things along.
Eventually, Stan said that he appreciated the thankful sentiments, but joked that "People keep thanking me for what I've done for them, but I didn't do it for you; I did it for ME! If what I did for me affected others, then great!"
Despite being under the weather, Stan was in great spirits, and the best part of the show was just hearing his stories:
Stan said that Iron Man used to get the most fan mail from women. He said that he believed it was due to the fact that women liked 3 things in a man:
1)Money
2)Power
At this point, a woman in the audience yelled "who drinks!"
Stan said, "Well, that helps!"
3)A woman likes a man who's got something wrong with him, so that she can say to herself, "Oh, I can fix you right up!"
Stan also expressed his pride in the fact that comics were now accepted in the mainstream. Multiple times, he said that comics used to be thought of as something read by little children and simple-minded adults. He said that was the reason he had changed his name, as he didn't want anyone he knew to know he worked in comics. He said, "I used to have a real name, a normal name just like you. I was Stanley Martin Lieber. But I was so ashamed that I took my first name, and broke up the 2 syllables."
An audience member asked him what he thought of the Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. He answered, "I saw one of the previews. I thought it was really great. I didn't like the music that much, but that was because not all of the songs were in it. Of course, this wasn't when people were falling and dying all over the place," which got a huge laugh from the crowd.
Another fan asked what comic book world he'd like to be sucked into if he had the chance. He replied that he'd like to go to the Archie universe, so that he could have Betty & Veronica.
There were a few moments that were funny in the slight discomfort they caused. One fan said that he was a fan of Ultimo, a manga series produced in Japan by Stan's Pow Entertainment. He asked Stan what the experience had been like. Stan said that he couldn't make heads or tails from what was going on in Ultimo. He said that he gave them the beginning of the story, but that he doesn't even know what's happening at this point in the story. He said there are plans to bring it to America, and he hopes it comes with an instruction manual so he'll finally know what's going on!
As if his candor was a bit surprising, he immediately followed up by saying that "The Japanese people are a hardworking, intelligent and polite people, and I had to learn to bow after every word I said." You could kinda feel a bit of tension in the room, like when your grandpa mentions how hard working the Mexicans are during Christmas dinner. It seemed like Stan felt it, too, and he quickly recovered with an "I don't even know what that has to do with what we're talking about!"
Next, after a fan asked him what his favorite Marvel movie was, he answered that it was the first Spider-Man. Then, he proceeded to talk about Blade, and how he couldn't remember the writer's name (David Goyer), but how he had tattoos all up and down both arms. Stan couldn't believe his arms were absolutely covered, and he said he'd never seen anyone with that many tattoos. Like, he was absolutely amazed by it! Seeing as how it's Baltimore, and 1 in 5 people in the room had a full sleeve, this, too, was a bit awkward. Again, he recovered with an "I don't know what that even had to do with what we were talking about. What was the question?"
That exchange did, however, lead to the next great part of the panel. Jimmy decided to ask the crowd if any of them had tattoos of Marvel characters on them. A guy got up, and showed that he had Black Cat and Mary Jane on his arm. At this point, someone in the back yelled out, "What are they doing?!", which led to a big laugh. Another girl said that she had Marvel symbols tattooed on her. She walked down to the stage and showed that the had the X-Men circled "X" tattooed on both sides of her...bikini area. She got down to the stage, and Stan said "I can't see it." She rolled down her pants a bit, and he said, "Oh, I can see it now!" The crowd roared. He said "I thank you, and the X-Men thank you!" As she walked away, he said, "Wait, that's all we get?" Jimmy piped in "Stan likes the ladies." Stan countered with, "Yeah, like I'm the only one!"
The panel wrapped up soon afterward, and I made my way back to the con floor. Now, remember how I'd braved the rain and traffic? Well, I had neglected to hit the ATM before getting to the show, as I foolishly thought "I'll just hit the ATM at the show." Who knows how this ends? Yup, it was out of money. So, thus began a mad race to hit all the booths I knew had stuff I wanted, praying that they took credit cards. During this time, I also met up with good e-pal @sycobuny, as this has become our annual chance to meet in person. That reminds me that I forgot to mention the great Yo Go Re from OAFE in my last post. He miraculously spotted me out of all the other geeks on the con floor, and I was finally able to put a face to a name. In any case, Sycobuny and I ran around the floor, asking everyone "Do you take credit?" I had a few misses, but I also had a few hits. Feast your eyes on the day's haul:
As you can see, it's more of the same from yesterday. More DC Universe Classics, more Marvel Mighty Muggs for the gf. And again, no comics.
In all, it was a great weekend. One of my fanboy dreams came true, I got to catch up with e-pals, and I also got a lot of cool stuff for my collection. Thanks for reading, and thanks to Cool and Collected for making this blog "crossover" a reality. Meet me back here next time, as we'll probably talk about a bunch of geeky, politically incorrect stuff. Until then, Excelsior!
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
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