Thrift Justice – What You Leave Behind
It's funny when people find out about my whole thrifting obsession. One of the first questions I get is "Where do you keep all of the stuff?" Well, it's spread across the state of Maryland in various strongholds. Or am I lying? The point I wanted to make today is that, contrary to popular belief, I don't buy every quirky little thing that I come across. In fact, there are a lot of items that I'm simply thrilled to see, and don't really need to go through the trouble of lugging them home. There have been many items that caught my eye for various reasons, but I had to leave them where they were. I thought I'd share a few of those with you today.
If this isn't your first time here, then you already know that I have an unhealthy affinity for boybands. It is what it is. That said, it was a lot worse when I was in high school. I bought more YM and Teen People than any heterosexual male should ever purchase. I couldn't help it, though - every issue seemed to focus on some boyband du jour, and I LOVED the embarrassing stories letter columns. Those chicks were TOTALLY MORTIFIED!
Anyway, I just found the cover to this to be hilarious. 98 Degrees were in a weird place, as they actually came out prior to the boyband explosion, and then had to change their image to fit with the times. Just look at the nerdlinger in the middle. I STILL don't know how he got in that group. Was he just a really old Make-A-Wish patient or something?
Once upon a time, Haim Saban gave birth to a really gifted child, known as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Since Haim had a success on his hands, and he LOVED money, he decided to give birth to another child. This second child would take advantage of the world's new fascination with the concept of "virtual reality". He created VR Troopers, in which a bro, his black friend, and the chick who won't let him bang, all have the ability to enter a VR world, where they fight a white businessman who hasn't yet learned that the real fun is in foreclosures. Oh, and there's also a talking dog. Anyway, Saban's second child was seen as the retard of the dynasty, and we done away with after 2 seasons. What you're seeing is a GIANT figure of main character Ryan Steele in his VR form. This thing is a good 15 inches, at least. It was made by Kenner, so it boasts minimal articulation. There was a part of me that felt it would make a quirky mantle piece, but I just didn't want such a totem of failure messing up my chi. So, I had to leave Ryan behind.
OK, now this one is a real kicker. I was in an antique mall, and stumbled upon this little piece of history. You're not going to be able to read the text, so let me spell it out for you. On the left is a letter written to James Earl Ray, who you might know from history class as Martin Luther King's convicted assassin. I put the word "convicted" in there, as an article featured in the New Times magazine on the right implied that King's death was part of a vast conspiracy. If you want to know more about that, there's always Google and Wikipedia. No, the interesting part is on the left. It was a letter sent to Ray while he was in prision. The author of the letter was giving Ray his support, saying that the article had provided enough evidence that the case should be reopened. At the bottom of this letter, Ray actually wrote a reply, with prisoner number, signature, and all. It's also funny that he writes "Ray" the same way it was written on the movie poster for the Ray Charles biopic. Now, THAT would be a conspiracy!
Before he became an internet meme and Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was just a dude with a beard who starred in borderline shitty movies. He also had a actually shitty 80s cartoon, called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. Ya know, considering how many shows kept replacing "C" with "K" in their titles, it's no wonder our generation can barely read. Hell, one of your friends might be reading this aloud to you as we speak! But I digress...The 80s were an odd time, what with deregulation and all, where you could have a 5-episode miniseries that's rerun throughout an entire season and also spawns a toy line. FIVE EPISODES! But that's exactly what happened here.
I got one of the figures when they first came out. Still have him. You can't imagine the torture I inflicted on that thing. The one toy that I always wanted, however, was his car (or would that be "kar"?). Actually, its proper name is the "Karate Corvette." I honestly can't believe they didn't go with "Korvette"; who was steering this ship?! Oddly enough, I've been having dreams about this toy lately. Don't ask why - I couldn't tell you myself. The dreams must have been an omen, however, that the Karate Corvette would soon enter my life. Ever since I started doing these thrift runs, I had a mental list of toys that I expected to see, and this car was always on it. Last week, my search was over, as it was right before my eyes. This car is 80s badassery cranked up to 11. Not only is it a Corvette, which was THE pussydrencher automobile of the decade, but it had fucking ninja blades that popped out of the sides and hood! It's like a 4-wheeled assault on homeless guys who try to wash your windows at red lights! I always wanted this car, but this one wasn't in the best shape, plus it's almost the size of a Barbie Corvette. No, I would have to leave it behind. After all, Chuck can't drive it in the World of Warcraft, anyway.
Back when I was 12, and before I learned that they showed boobs during Masterpiece Theatre, Ghostwriter was the coolest thing on PBS. Basically, it's about a bunch of New York tweens who solve mysteries through the power of literacy. They were aided by Ghostwriter, who appeared like a karaoke ball and would rearrange available letters to send them messages. Sure, it sounds pretty dumb now, but it was pretty engrossing, especially when most story arcs were 4-5 episodes long - somewhat unheard of in children's programming. None of those kids went anywhere, except for Spanish Kid #2 who ended up as Token Gay Guy on The Real World: Philadelphia. Nope, no room for this in my lair. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed off that they never got around to telling Ghostwriter's origin!
Blue Collar Ninja! How awesome is that?! It's like something out of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I'm STILL kicking myself for leaving him behind. He would've looked GREAT on a shelf, but I was put off by his bootleg nature. He looked like the kind of thing that would just fall apart once I got him out of the bag. Blue collar ninja! He pays bills, drives a truck, and SILENTLY KILLS PEOPLE!
So, on that note, I think I'll wrap this up. This is most likely the last Thrift Justice post of 2011, so I thank you all for joining me for the ride. Be sure to come back in 2012, when I'll be another year older, yet hopefully just as funny. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!
Off To See The Wizard…
So, in an effort to sort out my junk room, I decided that I could probably start with my longbox of Wizard publications. I quickly tired of being reminded of Wetworks and Vampirella books, so I decided to focus on my issues of Toyfare instead. For those not really "in the know", Toyfare was a monthly magazine published by the fine folks who also gave the world Wizard: The Guide to Comics (which later rebranded itself as a "Men's Pop Culture Magazine", whatever that means). Anyway, Wizard used to highlight toys, but as the industry ramped up, there was too much to report than the meager 2 pages in Wizard allowed, so the toy focus was spun off into its own magazine. At its best, Toyfare gave an in-depth look at fan favorite toy lines. At its worst, it was a glorified toy catalog. To be honest, "glorified" doesn't even fit, as regular toy catalogs at least listed prices - something Toyfare couldn't be bothered to do in many cases. Anyway, while flipping through the pages, a few thoughts came to mind, and I figured I'd share them here.
-What happened to Palisades Toys? I was never a Muppets fan, but I could respect that they truly paid attention to detail in making those Muppets toys.
-Diamond Select should've been run out of business for those horrible Serenity figures. I've actually said this to DST staffers. They like to change the subject when that line is brought up. I'm no Serenity fan, but I know a slap in the face when I see it.
-Did Hasbro ever present a use for those Jedi Master points?
-Is bbi still around? I remember they used to make those awesomely detailed solider dolls. Sometimes they'd use a Hollywood likeness without ever really securing the rights. So, instead of a Saving Private Ryan doll, it'd be a "World War II Officer" with a Tom Hanks face or something.
-An issue from 2002 stated that we had a better shot of seeing a Thundercats revival before a true G.I. Joe renaissance. Huh.
-The book REALLY started to suck when they took a parody approach to the articles. It was cute for the April Fools issue, but for a good 3 years every article in the book was like a Robot Chicken skit. While Robot Chicken showed that approach could be funny, it just gets tired in print.
-I wonder how many of the toys previewed in Toyfare actually NEVER came to fruition. I know for a fact that King of the Hill Series 2 never came out. That was when everyone wanted to jump on the interactive soundchip playset bandwagon, but I guess Toycom realized they couldn't swing it.
-When they started posting the Complete Photo Guides to toy lines, that made the magazine worth the price of admission.
-Near the end, they were just reprinting the movie articles from Wizard, seeing as how comic movies also tended to have toylines.
-I never realized how many 80s Toy Quizzes they published. That magazine survived an extra 3 years just by jerking off fans to fantasies of a M.A.S.K. revival.
Culling the ranks of the Toyfare stash didn't take much time, so then I cam back around for the herculean task of weeding out the Wizards. After all, I had a complete run for about 10 years or so. Along the way, I noticed a few interesting things:
-Where is Christina Z these days? For those not in the know, she was the first woman to make Wizard's Top 10 Writers List, and she used to write Witchblade back when it was all T&A. That way, whenever someone criticized it for being a T&A book, Top Cow could protest, "No, it's written by a woman!" Her last publicized work was Jenna Jameson's Shadow Hunter. I bet that wasn't a T&A book at all...
-Paula Cole should sing "Where have all the CCGs gone?"
-I don't want anything to do with J. Scott Campbell until he finishes Wildsiderz.
-Brandon Jerwa started his career on G.I. Joe with a fan submission
-I had no idea Fox has been using the "Animation Domination" name for its Sunday block since 2005!
-Broken Promises: Bryan Singer's Ultimate X-Men arc
-Broken Promises: Jeff Loeb & J. Scott Campbell's Spidey title
-Broken Promises: When Bendis left The Pulse, he said it would continue with another writer. This didn't happen.
-Yay! Kubert's on Batman. Surely, he'll have a long run on this book!
-In '03, J.Scott Campbell went exclusive with DC. Can anyone name what came from that? Anyone? No, because NOTHING came from that contract.
-Why did they stop making DC Minimates?
-There was actually an article called "Treasured Chests", where they compared the cleavage of Talia Al Ghul, Power Girl, and some Wildstorm chick.
-Kia Asamiya. Yes, I get that everyone had Manga Fever, but WHO THE FUCK PUT HIM ON X-MEN?!!!
-Broken Promises: Loeb & Lee's promised post-Hush 6-issue arc on Batman.
-Before they diversified their brand with Pilot Season, Top Cow was pretty much just, "Hey, kids! Tits!"
-After Chaos went under, Lady Death went to the Code 6 imprint at Crossgen. Now, she's at Avatar, under the Boundless imprint. Lady Death: She Doesn't Just LOOK Like The Village Bicycle!
-There was an Olympic ad in the March 2002 issue. Like, a real brand, and not some e-store or superhero-inspired motorcycle jackets. The actual Olympics, with the athletes and shit. SO out of place.
-Chaos allowed fans to serve as associte editors on books. They spun it as "interaction", but it was really just cheap labor. They went under soon afterwards.
-Only in 2002 could Joe Mad make the Top 10 Most Influential Artists List. He ranked higher than Sienkiewicz!!!
-Broken Promises: Kevin Smith was supposed to take over Amazing Spider-Man, and JMS was to move over to a new book. Smith also said in interviews that he only agreed if they would allow him to reunite MJ and Peter.
-Broken Promises: Kevin Smith was also announced as the writer of a new iteration of Brave and the Bold just before signing an exclusive with Marvel.
-Based on the number of articles, Fathom "returned" about 12 times, but never actually finished.
-Top Cow has been streamlining its universe since 2001, with no end in sight. The first event, Universe, made Tomb Raider & Fathom part of TC canon...interesting, seeing as how both properties are no longer under the TC umbrella.
-Where is Devin Grayson? Did her career end at the same time as her relationship with Mark Waid?
-I think the best depiction of Rogue was the promo image to her Icons mini. She's strong and athletic - believably 19 (which is the age she's rumored to be), and not a busty, 30-something skunkhead.
-Alicia Witt would've been a MUCH better Mary Jane in the Spider-Man movies.
-Instead of rushing to reprint them, Bill Jemas put the Ultimate titles online, 12 pages at a time, to "reward the readers and retailers who jumped on the Ultimate bandwagon at the beginning, thus making those initial issues all the more valuable." - 2001
-In 2001, Poison Elves creator Drew Hayes signed an unprecedented 50 year deal with Sirius Entertainment. While this was clearly a publicity stunt, Drew would pass away in 2007.
-Casting Call: Geoff Johns cast Heath Ledger as Wally West and Owen Wilson as Trickster.
-Issue #110's letter column only featured mail sent by prisoners.
-They used to have a column called "oops..." where they made corrections to previous stories. This was phased out in later years, as the entire magazine became one giant collection of typos and mistakes.
-Broken Promises: Top Cow got the A-Team rights in 2000. Did nothing with them.
-Did America ever get Bandai's handheld system, the WonderSwan Color?
-They were REALLY pushing for Brendan Fraser to be Superman, as they cast him in 3 different Casting Call articles over the years.
-Casting Call: Tom Selleck as Tony Stark, Kevin Sorbo as Thor, and Howie Long as Cap. This would've been fine...in 1990. They also cast Howie Long as Duke in G.I. Joe. Wizard really liked Howie Long.
-The same character was named "Venus", "Sexbot", and finally "Aphrodite IX"
-Finally, back when DC did the whole Superman Red/Blue thing, a few high profile artists were asked to redesign Superman's iconic suit. One of those artists happened to be Jim Lee. Looks like he's been married to that high-collar design for quite some time...
So, what were your favorite Toyfare/Wizard memories?
Back & Fourth: My Journey Into The Classroom
In my attempt to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I've found myself saddled with watching a 4th grade class during their lunch period. First, let's roll it back a little. You see, the school where I work had 2 campuses. That quake that everyone made fun of for being weak and puny? Well, it destroyed our second campus. We've all been under one roof for the past 2 months, but our board just decided to call it a day, and officially made us one school. This also resulted in 25 staff members being laid off. But still we move forward or some jazz. So, we all gotta pitch in like the war effort, and I've been given Mrs Doubtfire duty (I dress like a woman for kicks). What I found, however, is that it's not that bad. I mean, fourth graders are almost like real people. It's really fascinating. They don't even eat their meals out of feed bowls. I tell ya, I'm learning all sorts of Discovery Channel shit from this! So, since I had them at my disposal, I figured I'd try to get to know them - ya know, really get into the head of a typical 4th grader in America.
First up, they're all really into werewolves and vampires. Half the class has already read Twilight, which is shocking and sad at the same time. I asked if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. They totally had some opinions there. Predominantly, however, it seems to be a werewolf skewing class. In fact, yesterday they explained to me how they'd been sired. Apparently, Sean was bitten, and then he scratched Mike, who then bit Carter, and so on. I can't wait to hear their thoughts on cooties and the AIDS epidemic. Anyway, I asked if their parents every caught them turning into werewolves at night. They said no, but that a few of their parents suspected they might be werewolves.
Next, they showed me a Scholastic book that was a Who's Who of the monster scene. I'm talking chupacabra, vampires, werewolves, snakewomen harpies, the works! When we got to the page of a succubus, Ken said "That's my girlfriend right there." "Oh, really?" I asked. "How did you two meet?" He said "Well, she was sick and in the hospital. I turned her into a vampire and saved her." Kid never missed a beat. Like Kenneth from 30 Rock, "In 5 years, we'll either be working for him, or dead by his hand."
Today, I asked them about the movies they'd seen recently, which they'd always counter with a "Did you see ____?" One girl told me that she had seen Black Swan. Yes, THAT Black Swan. I asked who let her watch that thing, and she said she'd watched it with her grandpa. I asked her what she thought of it. I loved her response: "It was scary...and inappropriate." From the mouths of babes!
Since they were the correct demographic, I decided to allow them to settle an online debate for me: what did they think of Power Rangers Samurai? After all, adult fans hate it, but it's not for us. It's for the kids. Apparently, and I quote, "Power Rangers Samurai is the most awesome Power Rangers ever!" Keep in mind, they also lost their collective shit when I mentioned Supah Ninjas. Plus, I don't trust any kid that doesn't watch iCarly (half of the class is comprised of girls, and none of them watch iCarly!).
I also found out that WAY too many of them are watching Family Guy, American Dad, and The Boondocks. I told one, "You're too young for The Boondocks!" he just shook his head and said "I know. When I go over to my cousin's house, he's always watching it."
Once we got on the topic of animation, one of them mentioned The Simpsons, which one girl called "the most boringest show in the history of ever."
So, it looks like The Cos was right - kids really DO say the darnedest things! Anyway, I figure if I've gotta be stuck with them, I might as well use them for comedy material. Tune in next time, when we tackle comics, video games, and Nicki Minaj!
Adventures West Coast – The Flash: Rebirth
I've been putting this one off for some time, but there's no better day than today to get this out. You see, earlier today, I was tweeting about how I didn't understand the appeal of a certain guy who makes old school rap about Marvel characters. I was nowhere near as mean as you know I can get, but he still found out and decided to retweet it to his followers. Why he did this, I do not know. Maybe he wanted to rile up his army or something. In any case, I ended up getting 3 @replies from fanboys & girls who were defending his honor. Well, this led me to think back to another time I was talking trash about comic folks on Twitter.
A little over a year ago, I was talking to my good e-pals over at OAFE, and we were talking about Geoff Johns's love of Silver Age concepts. The discussion turned to Barry Allen, the Silver Age Flash, who had been "dead" in real people time (RPT) since 1986. Well, Johns was bringing Allen back to assume the mantle of The Flash, despite the fact that nobody wanted this to happen. By this point in time, everyone had pretty much settled on Wally West (Barry's former apprentice, and current Flash) as THE Flash. I mentioned how Johns wasn't going to stop until the current DC Universe looked like it did during the Silver Age of the 60s.
Now, I'm usually good about covering my tracks. I knew not to include Johns's actual twittername, as I didn't necessarily want him in this discussion. OAFE, however, had other ideas, and Johns's username was inserted in one of the replies in our discussion. I noticed this, but thought nothing of it and went to sleep. When I woke up, I had a DM from Geoff Johns, where he said that he really wanted me to give the book a chance. He included his email address, and asked me to send him my mailing address. Well, when the Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics beckons, you answer! I quickly drafted an email, thanking him for actually appealing to me, while sheepishly backpedaling on what he'd probably read from my discussion thread. About a month later, I received a box containing The Flash: Rebirth HC, as well as signed copies of The Flash #1 & 2. A better person would've jumped right into these books, and changed his tune about what he'd said. I, however, am not a better person. I sent Geoff an appreciative thank you email, and then I proceeded to put the books on a shelf for the next year. After finishing up Flashpoint, and realizing that Rebirth was actually kind of the start of it all, I thought it might finally be time to check it out. So, the other night, between Family Guy and China, IL, I finally got through it.
I should've had a disclaimer at the beginning, but the most interesting part of the whole saga was HOW I obtained the book. The story itself, not so much. You see, while The Flash: Rebirth is a decent enough story, it relies WAY too much on prior knowledge of The Flash. This series was not written to introduce Barry Allen to a new generation of comic fans; it was written to change the minds of the current generation of Flash fans. Did I confuse you there? It's like this: if you never gave a shit about The Flash and his franchise, this book isn't going to change that. At all. It relies on the reader to already know who Barry Allen, Wally West, Bart Allen, Liberty Belle/Jesse Quick, Jay Garrick, and Max Mercury are. That's a whole lotta speedsters! Plus, it makes reference to the fact that Max somehow disappeared, Liberty Belle at some point had some attachment to the speedsters, and Bart "came back" from somewhere, and I can't remember if it's from a trip to the future, or the time that he "died". Then, there's the whole matter of the Speed Force, which is where all of the speedsters draw their power. It was already as convoluted as Star Trek: The Next Generation technobabble, but then they had to throw in the idea of a Negative Speed Force. Plainly put, it is NOT a great introduction to the world of the Flash. It's an "Everything but the kitchen sink" approach to the franchise, which isn't great for the casual reader.
As the story starts, Barry Allen is trying to get used to how the world has changed since he's been gone, while everyone around him is preparing to celebrate his return. Through the magic of decompression, this whole thing is told over the course of 6 issues. Basically, he runs really fast ('cause that what The Flash does), and he ends up finding a bunch of other speedsters within the Speed Force. Some good, some bad, but they all seem to die when he touches them. It turns out that it's all the work of The Reverse Flash, or Professor Zoom, or whatever he's called now. For the sake of clarity, we'll call him Yellow Flash. You know he's bad because his suit is ugly (even though the "hero" basically dresses like a hornless devil, but that's a debate for another time). Then, through a whole bunch of flashbacks, we also deal with the fact that Barry was constantly driven by the desire to clear his father's name for the murder of his mother. I don't know if this is true or a retcon, as Barry died shortly after I became my parents' happy little "surprise". Haven't read very many Barry stories, and that's not a Flash Fact I've seen printed on Underoos and cereal boxes. In any case, he wants to solve his mom's murder. In the present day, he gets possessed by the Negative Speed Force, making him EEEVVVIIILLL! It's because he hates the modern world, and wants to go back to the comfort of The Speed Force. Remember in Shawshank Redemption how the dude couldn't handle the outside world and hanged himself? Yeah, kinda like that. I'm gonna cut to the chase: Yellow Flash killed Barry's mom. Like you didn't see that coming. But here's the real kicker: it turns out that Barry's family had actually grown old and lived a long life together. Yellow Flash wanted to torment Barry, so he went back in time and killed the mom. So, the mom's death was an in-story retcon. Mindfuckery! Yellow Flash can't kill Barry because he needs him in order to eventually exist, but that don't mean he can't kill the people around Barry! In the end, Barry realizes that his wife, Iris, is his "anchor", and he decides he wants to LIVE! The world celebrates his return, and Yellow Flash is abducted by some other Flash villain that I guess I'm supposed to know.
I'm not gonna be your typical internet fanboy and say "that fucking sucked!" Honestly, I can't say that. All I can say is that it wasn't written for me. I have a friend who worships at the altar of The Flash, and I'm pretty sure he might enjoy it when he gets around to reading it. I just don't have enough history with the franchise for it to resonate with me. It's like a giant speedster family reunion, but you really need to know about all of them to really grasp the weight of it all. I went into it thinking that the point of the miniseries was to make me care about Barry, but instead it seems to be intended to make the reader care about The Flash Legacy. This would all be well and good if they hadn't done away with all of that in the New 52. As far as we can tell, Wally doesn't exist, Jay doesn't exist, Jesse & Max may not exist, and Bart is kind of a different person. We know Yellow Flash existed up to Flashpoint, as that was all his fault, but I don't know about post-Flashpoint. So, in a lot of ways, it could also be seen as a farewell love letter to the speedsters. Whatever it was, I don't think it was for the casual fan and, as a casual fan, it didn't leave me with the feeling that Barry Allen was the rightful speedster to bear the mantle of The Flash. He spends most of Rebirth, telling those around him that he didn't need to come back. You would think that would force the story to prove that he is, in fact, needed in this world, but i don't think it accomplishes that task. Anyway, since he's The Flash of the New 52, it's not like we really have a choice. So, I guess I'll have to learn to like him. In closing, it was totes awesome (I got that phrase from my pal over at The Robot's Pajamas) for Geoff to reach out to me like he did, and I only wish the story could've resonated with me the way that I think he felt it would. Honestly, I think that's what makes me feel the worst about this whole thing.
Thrift Justice – Strapped For Cash
I've got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I'm still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I've picked up recently. Let's jump right in, shall we?
First up, we've got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don't really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I've ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don't have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don't really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.
I love the Power Rangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I've been tracking down old morphers like it's my job. I'm not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I've been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they're models that came out after I stopped buying, so I've been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.
My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn't jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn't ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!
This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I've been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn't come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I'm still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.
I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I'd wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don't care. Referred to as "The Strap" by the professionals, I'd always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I've yet to win the lottery, so I don't have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they're Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I'm honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I'd NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That's more my speed.
I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I'm probably America's biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn't want these at $10 apiece. I'm pretty sure they didn't cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and 'NSYNC merchandise isn't really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.
Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!
Justice League #1: A Discussion
OK, so by now you should've read my Flashpoint post. As that was the end of an era, Justice League was touted as the beginning of a new one. I wish I could say that it worked for me, but it just didn't.
Justice League #1 is chock full of gorgeous Jim Lee-ian action. It's the kind of stuff that's really going to hurt your heart when you hear that Jim Califiore's taking over the art a year from now. Recent series have launched with the big names, but settle into a routine with the journeymen. Anyway, for all the action, there's just not much substance. It's reminiscent of Lee's work on the "Hush" storyline in Batman a few years ago. That was a good excuse for Lee to play in the Gotham toybox, but the story didn't make much sense. This book didn't really have a story; this was just an appetizer.
A few nights ago on twitter, Comics Bulletin had a great rant about the folks who've been comparing the issue to a television pilot. I can't even do it justice (no pun intended) by trying to repeat it, so I recommend you hop over to their feed. Basically, though, they said that a successful pilot makes you want to come back for more, while this doesn't really have that effect. I couldn't agree more. However, I think I'd like to even go a step further. Justice League #1 isn't a pilot - it's the "cold open", or pre-credit sequence, to the pilot. Sure, there's a bit of padding in it, but once you get to that last page:
you know that it can only be followed by something like this:
God damn, I love that theme song! Is there any way that Jim Lee could just draw music? I'd preorder every issue! Here's a little secret about me: I only watch the cold open for Smallville. I'm gone after the theme song. Hell, if I turn it on, and find I missed both the open and the song, I turn it right off. Sure, that was a cliffhangery last page, but I'm not convinced that I shouldn't change the channel. I'm looking to the next issue to help me make that decision.
Does A Body Good
After all these years, I still find that I'm too immature for "Got Milk?" ads. These things have been around for almost 20 years, so it must be an effective campaign. That said, most of them just look like a money shot from a celebrity sex tape with high production values. Even when they did one with Batman - my hero among heroes - it just made my heart hurt for the Caped Crusader! Was that how he was replenishing the Wayne fortune?!!!
Anyway, I work at...a place filled with...people who might be inspired to drink milk, and these posters are everywhere. Hell, I think we ran out of money, and they're just using them as cheap wallpaper. In any case, I thought I'd share a few of them with you, along with my thoughts. Before we get started, I apologize for the quality of the pictures; Ansel Adams never had to use a BlackBerry camera...
Just look in that dog's eyes. He clearly saw the whole thing. This just makes me think back to the time Amanda quit Twitter because she got a bunch of backlash for saying she preferred black guys. What did Devante do to you, Amanda?! What did he do?!!!
They finally came up with a way to get me to not notice the milk mustache. Ha! He's with a giraffe! Honestly, I think the funniest part is that the giraffe actually finished college.
This is probably the worst picture of Demi Lovato I've ever seen, and I say that as a Demi fan. Hell, you don't say something nice about her, and she will punch you in your face! She went to rehab for it and everything. Anyway, this picture looks like it might be some sad artifact sent to the past from a future where her career has totally derailed, yet the "Demi Loves Otto" sex tape is tearing up the SuperNet.
This one is disturbing to me because, in real life, Victoria Justice looks like a bad Photoshop job. She's got the face of a 25 year old, yet the body of a fit 15 year old. She's like a younger clone of Giada De Laurentiis. She just seems like an odd choice for a milk ad. "Your body will be suspended in teen animation, but you'll be pretty. Drink up!"
And I thought R. Kelly was the one who sang "Down Low". Notice how you can't really see from the waist down? These are my confessions...
OH, COME THE FUCK ON!
Charlottes, and Boybands, and Attraction! Oh, My!
In some circles of popular culture, it's believed that the four women of Sex and the City represent the types of women that men are looking for out in the world. Whether it's demure, girl next door Charlotte, career-driven, slightly man-hating Miranda, sexually aggressive Samantha, or the anomaly that is Carrie Bradshaw, one of those women is supposed to be the perfect match for every man out there. Given those options, I feel that most men are searching for Charlotte in a world filled with Mirandas and wannabe Samanthas. Am I wrong? Of course I am, but that's because that's not a well-rounded group from which to choose. That theory just doesn't work there, as the selection is limited. I'll tell you, however, an area of pop culture that got it right: boybands. Outside of music concerned with rhyming "alone" with "phone", boybands were created according to a perfect science, where they offered something for every girl out there. Whether she wore short skirts or t-shirts, whether she was the cheer captain or on the bleachers - there truly was a boyband guy for every girl. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
First up, we've got the Cute One. He's the one selling the concert tickets. He's not always the lead singer, but he's singing at least half the songs. That one's easy - he's there because he's "dreamy". Just like David Cassidy and Michael Jackson before him, he's the one whose name is being doodled in the notebooks of the nation's teenage girls.
Next, we've got the Bad Boy. He's got tattoos and crazy hair. He might even have an odd obsession with aviator goggles. He sings a bunch of hooks, and operates under the "less is more" doctrine. After all, he's too busy getting tattoos and buying new aviator goggles to be up in front like the Cute One. For all the girls who like a walk one the wild side, this one's for you.
Then, we've got the Shy One. He *usually* doesn't necessarily do much 'cause, you know, he's shy. Also, years later, everyone will have to feign surprise when he also turns out to be the Gay One and/or the REALLY Religious One. He's not comfortable in the spotlight, as he's trying to keep a lid on his secret. Once it's revealed, however, it'll open up a whole new fan base for him and the group. Anyway, he's for the girl who falls in love with her gay best friend.
You've also got the Older Brother. He was the guy who was working at Universal Studios the longest, and probably helped recruit the other guys. He doesn't sing much, but he's guaranteed a slot due to his assistance in recruitment. Once the whole boyband thing blows over, he won't be making appearances on E! red carpet, but he'll have a nice ranch in Montana somewhere. He's the safe choice - the provider. He's not into glitz and glam, as this is just a job. He hasn't forgotten his roots, and he understands the value of loyalty.
Finally, you've got the Other Guy. This can mean a lot of things. Maybe he's the Halfy, for a little urban flavor (but not too much flavor).
Maybe he's the minority variant of the Shy One.
And don't forget the Goofball! He's got a sense of humor. Bitches love a sense of humor.
At the end of the day, he doesn't do much. He's #5, and his sole role is to provide symmetry on posters and in dance routines. Should the Older Brother decide to leave the group, the Other Guy's role becomes more prominent. By being ill-defined, he provides a bit of mystery that is different from that you get from the Bad Boy. With the Bad Boy, you never ask "Why isn't he singing?" You already know the answer: it's either "He's gonna sing the bridge" OR "'Cause he didn't feel like it". With the Other Guy, you'll constantly hear moms asking "Why doesn't the Mexican boy sing more?" He's an anomaly, but because of that, he can be whatever you need him to be. He's the guy nobody notices, so he won't have an ego. He's just waiting for a woman to come along and make a "project" out of him.
If you have the right balance, you have this:
But if the balance is off, you end up with this:
If done right, there's something for everyone. If done wrong, someone's preference is being neglected. SCIENCE!
Born This Way: A Review
While I've been known to throw my opinion around where it's not needed, I tend to stay away from Gaga. I can't explain her. She's the Apple Jacks of music - people can't explain why they like her; they just do. She came along, and all of her weirdness has just been embraced and encouraged by the general populace. Her major label debut was the pretty-mediocre-for-a-pop-song "Just Dance", but things got weirder from there. After "Paparazzi", "Poker Face", and "Bad Romance", people began to realize that Gaga wasn't just going to be some run of the mill pop starlet.
From a musical perspective, I can get down with the Lady. I'm just surprised that people eat up her idiosyncrasies when they would normally drive people away with a simple "That bitch is weird!" I'm not one of Gaga's "Little Monsters", so I don't claim to know the motivations behind this and that. I was just sitting here, with little to do, and her new album, Born This Way, at my disposal. So, I figured I'd throw in my two cents, as far as what I took away from the listening experience. I was a bit surprised by the 80s direction she took with the album, but that just made me love it more. So, let's see what's inside:
1. Marry the Night: This was the first song released on Gagaville, so I have a bit more history with it (yes, I play Farmville; you can either laugh or shut up and add me as a neighbor). It was the first track I'd heard other than the polarizing "Born This Way" and the familiar "Judas", and it made me realize Gaga had something different in mind for this album. From a melody standpoint, the bridge sounds like it was lifted from Lara Fabian's underrated hit, "I Will Love Again". So far, so good.
2. Born This Way: Since its debut back in February, everything's pretty much already been said about this song. Yes, it's basically an update of Madonna's "Express Yourself". What started as a gay anthem turned out to be so cloying that many of Gaga's gay fans seemed to turn their backs on her for it. It isn't, however, the "Madonniest" track on the album.
3. Government Hooker: People are gonna hate me for this, but this sounds like an edgy Aqua song. You know why I say that? It's because of the weird Swedish (German?) dude saying shit in the background. It wasn't as prevalent on their first album, but the second Aqua album was FULL of him trying to sound "deep" with his "I learned English by watching American television" accent. And what's with the John F. Kennedy reference? I swear, where would pop culture be without Kennedy and World War II?
4. Judas: Hands down, one of my favorite tracks on the album. Why? Because it's "Badder Romance". RedOne took a page from Max Martin's book and threw the same damn song in our faces with a new title (like you didn't realize "Since U Been Gone" and "My Life Would Suck Without You" started with the same damn riff!). Go ahead, sing the "Bad Romance" chorus over this instrumental. I'll wait. All the vamps are still there. I haven't loved a pop song as much as "Bad Romance" since "Tearin Up My Heart", so I have no problem with this clone.
5. Americano: This is gonna be one of Gaga's best songs once she gets older and starts playing the cabaret circuit in the Village. I can just hear the spots where she'll yell, "Barkeep, another Manhattan!"
6. Hair: As I mentioned on twitter, the electric piano riffs sound like they were lifted from a Solid HarmoniE song (Pearlman rest their souls). The subtle background sax sets us up for what's to come a few songs down the tracklist with "The Edge of Glory". Like that song, this one feels more like a P!nk track. I don't feel anything particularly "gaga" is being brought to this song.
7. Scheibe: "What if La Bouche covered 'Du Hast'?" Ain't nothing wrong with that.
8. Bloody Mary: This, to me, feels like the closest ancestor of The Fame to be found on this album. I love that it has a haunting Hurts/later Duran Duran quality to it.
9. Black Jesus - Amen Fashion: This, to me, is the "Madonniest" track on the album. Starting off with "Jesus is the new Black", for a little religious controversy, the verse follows the early 90s "bounce beat" model of the "Express Yourself" era. If ever there was a video screaming for a Leon cameo, this would be it.
10. Bad Kids: While the middle of the album hovers around the early 90s, this track seems to signal the shift back through time. This feels very 1989, and we just go back from there. Love the Robert Miles-esque loop in the bridge.
11. Fashion of His Love: LOVE this. We continue our trip back to the 80s, as this is the kind of song Tiffany (or Robin Sparkles) would be singing in the food court of the local mall. Not that mall - the other one, with the Gadzooks and the Long John Silvers.
12. Highway Unicorn (Road To Love): this is the kind of song I expect to hear when I think "Lady Gaga". Plus, the title would make a kick ass Lisa Frank folder!
13. Heavy Metal Lover: as close to a filler track as you're gonna get from Gaga. Again, it sounds like "Gaga", but doesn't really do much for me.
14. Electric Chapel: Nice 80s guitar shredding going on, taking us into Kylie-esque synths. Come to think of it, this would've probably sounded the same had they just given it to Kylie.
15. The Queen: Synth craziness! I'm putting on my legwarmers just so I can do the Maniac dance. This song is so 80s, it makes me want to buy an inflatable cactus and write love letters to Justine Bateman. Then, we slow it down. The contrast between beginning and end are so striking that it alomost feels like 2 songs were glued together.
16. You and I: This song sounds like A) something Jesse & The Rippers would sing, B) an early 90s jingle for Diet Coke, C) a theme song demo for A Different World or D) a rocked out interpretation of Anna Nalick's "Breathe (2 AM)".
17. The Edge of Glory: Again, this sounds like a P!nk song. Or a Kelly Clarkson song that had previously been rejected by P!nk. This song will be a money maker, though, as it seems like it was written just to be used during sports championships and reality show competitions. It'll be the "Bad Day" of 2011. And that motherfucking sax solo! Clarence motherfucking Clemons! A lot of people said that it was jarring having it in the song, but there's never a wrong time for a sweet sax solo (After a few listens, I think it would've worked with a Steve Winwood synth solo, too). Plus, how come nobody's talking about the Reading Rainbow thing going on at the end of the sax solo? Anyway, it's definitely a strong closing track that leaves you wanting more.
So, there ya have it. You may disagree, or you may say, "Damn, you're a genius!" I'll take whatever ya got. A lot of y'all won't even have the album til Tuesday, so we can reconvene then. Until then, take care of yourselves...and each other.
This One’s For Andy Bernard
So, I've been feeling the need to post something, but nothing's really ready for the site yet. Then, I came across this video on a facebook friend's profile. I've never been Mr School Spirit - something my mother chastises me for on a regular basis. However, I am proud of the fact that I went to Cornell because I busted my ass.
Sure, I may not be a captain of industry, or the head of a cool new start-up, but I wouldn't be where I am without that place. I loved this video because it showcased all of the things about The Hill that we miss once we're gone. And no, it's not lost on me that the instrumental is from a song toasting the douchebags and the assholes - they're also part of Cornell's charm.
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
From The Vault
- The Sing-Off: It Ain't Your Elitist Grandpa's A Cappella
- Retarded Chris Brown, Black Republicans, Van Wilder-less Van Wilder 2
- RIP Crocodile Hunter
- Joyce DeWitt Hair, The DCU, Craigslit?, and Jenna Von Oy's Ass
- John Byrne Thinks Sue Storm Is A Whore
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