16th Jan2008

Spider-Man: One More Day, One Tree Hill, and Patrick Warburton

by Will

“Crackheads’ll wobble, but they won’t fall down.”

Watching Katt Williams, while reading an article on the dynamics of the Clinton-Gore relationship during the 2000 elections. That, folks, is a great example of how complex and screwed up I am…Anyway, it’s been some time since I’ve posted, so I figured I was overdue. Here’s just a random sampling of things on my mind at the moment. You know the drill:

-So, Spider-Man’s got no wife now. Huh. Not quite sure how to take that. For those of you who don’t read comics, but only know the Spidey story via the movies, here’s a recap: in the comic, Spider-Man and MJ have been married since the 80′s (it’s only been about 5 years in their timeline). She knew he was Spider-Man, and he had the benefit of having a hot-ass, supermodel/actress wife. I always hated that.

Spider-Man is the everyman hero. People like the character because they see themselves in him. He’s the underdog. He just can’t catch a break. He struggles with his bills, he wrestles with the guilt surrounding the deaths of loved ones, and he really just wants to find “the big happy”, to borrow from another source. Despite all this, he had a hot-ass supermodel/actress for a wife. You know what that means? No matter how bad of a day he had, he would always get to come home…to supermodel sex. I (and probably you, if you’re reading this) will never experience supermodel sex, but I figure it ranks somewhere between winning the lottery and getting an extra McNugget in your 6-piece. I can’t feel sorry for that guy. Yeah, your uncle died and your old girlfriend was thrown off a bridge. So what? You’ve got supermodel sex. It’s a cure-all, kinda like Vick’s Vaporub (there’s NOTHING that can’t be cured by Vick’s!).

Anyway, they went through the usual comic/soap opera stuff: they got married, she got kidnapped, he found her, she got pregnant, baby was kidnapped, baby was forgotten about like Judy on Family Matters, MJ got on plane, plane blew up, Peter grieved and moved on, turns out death was faked, they reconcile, they separate, they reconcile, his aunt gets shot, he sacrifices marriage to save geriatric aunt, marriage never happened. Rinse and repeat.

Yeah, due to the fact that they ran out of ideas, the great comic people had Spidey reveal his identity as Peter Parker to the world (long story!). This, of course, paints a target on him and his family. Crime boss puts a hit on Spidey, and thug ends up shooting his Aunt May instead. Peter, then, MAKES A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL. Yes, THE Devil, who brings his aunt back to life but at the cost of the pure, rare love that Peter and MJ share. Huh? That’s just as stupid as some fat sea witch stealing my voice and keeping it in a clam. Apparently, the guilt over having his old ass aunt getting caught in the crossfire just ruined the idea of supermodel sex for him. That poor bastard. So, even though she’s 80 and probably gonna die soon anyway, Peter takes THE DEVIL (!) up on his offer and brings his aunt back to life. Yeah, nothing bad could result from this. This, in effect, resets the world so that the marriage never happened. Ever. I can’t even get into everything that’s wrong with this idea…And I’m finding that I actually miss MJ. Instead of being “just that hot chick”, she grounded Peter and let him know that the little guy can win every now and then. Plus, there was the sex. And he had to go and throw it all away!

-I finally saw Transformers. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of you figured that I would be in line on opening day, but I’ve actually never been much of a Transfan. The lore is just too confusing, and the concept just seems kind of boring after a bit. Just as G.I.Joe will never beat Cobra, the Autobots will never beat the Decepticons. The ongoing battle between good and evil. And that gets boring. On top of that, the company with the TF comic license is one of my biggest accounts. Over the summer, I had Transformers coming out of the ass, as I had to coordinate things with the movie release. By the time the movie actually came out, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and watch it. Anyway, I really liked that movie, especially more than I thought I would. Megan Fox is gorgeous (“David Silver” is a lucky, lucky man!) and Shia was a good leading…kid. All in all, it was a really good movie. Not a great movie, but a really good one.

-I also saw Juno, which is one of my favorite movies of the past 5 years. It was excellent. It had that Ghost World sensibility without all of the aloofness. Juno would be the perfect girlfriend (you know, without the whole “accidental pregnancy” angle). I can only hope that my wife yells, “Thundercats are GO!” when her water breaks…

-The best part of Scott Baio is 46…and Pregnant is the music. I mean, last season, he was kind of a jerk, but you got where he was coming from: he was afraid of commitment. This season, however, he’s just a dick. The entire time, though, the soundtrack is blasting the songs you danced to at your 1987 prom. I swear it’s like playing GTA: Vice City…Anyway, I think the music is to remind us that Scott hasn’t really done anything in the past 20 yrs.

-I’m convinced that Patrick Warburton is the Cree Summer of the 21st century! I mean, is there an animated show where he doesn’t voice a character?! Sure, his legacy is probably going to be Puddy, but if you just IMDB the guy, you’ll realize he’s ev-er-y-where.

-Speaking of TV, I’ve got a problem with MTV’s Made. I’m sure I’ve probably written about this before, but it’s killing me how everyone, at the end, is successfully…Made. I know that’s terrible, and I should be rooting for them, but some of this shit is just out of left field. You get a weird, social outcast who does nothing but talk shit about all the popular kids in school. What does she want to be? Homecoming queen! So, not only do you have to give her a makeover and hope it sticks, but you’ve also got to convince the entire school to like her, despite her past transgressions. Do you know how evil teenagers are? Do you really think this will work? But it does! How much did MTV pay those classmates? Or, take the overweight, sporty-spice tomboy. What does she want to be made into? A model. WTF?! So, they get as close as they can. They decide to make her a plus-size model. They give her a fashion coach and send her to fashion week in NYC. And in the end, she makes it. I want to see a week of Almost Made, where the kid either fails or gives up. I need some balance to this fantasy.

-Thank Yahweh that One Tree Hill is back! Let me explain my history with this show. While everyone was jumping on The OC‘s bandwagon, I hitched my wagon to the little- show-that-could on The WB. It was a trite story, a modern day Cain & Abel story, set on a basketball court. Trust me, that’s deeper than they’ve ever acheived. But that was the gist of it. I found myself watching the show because I had a crush on Bethany Joy Galeotti (nee Lenz). I loved watching the struggle of Lucas and Nathan Scott, as they vied for the title of Best B-Baller in Tree Hill. I found myself madly in love with the adorable Sophia Bush, and the addition of Boy Meets World‘s. Minkis was the icing on the cake. It’s so much like Dawson’s Creek, even though people fail to recognize it. You watch it and find yourself saying, “Real kids don’t talk like that”. Just like the Creek, these kids try so hard. There’s so much angst and, to them, there’s so much at stake. I give it the Center Stage award, as (just like that movie) the actors pour their hearts and souls into a weak-ass plot. Here we are, 5 years later, and OTH has outlasted The OC, and is finally attracting an audience. With the strike going on, this is pretty much the only show I watch. Yes, I am a 15 year old girl…

This post goes out to Tracie in Arizona. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one reading this thing :) If anyone else is reading this (besides James, Jenn, JJ, Tarek and King Kong), make yourself known!

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12th Nov2007

Retarded Chris Brown, Black Republicans, Van Wilder-less Van Wilder 2

by Will

“Seriously, y’all, I’m punching a bear in the face!”

-Man, am I obsessed with Rihanna Jenkins! (Jeff’s the only one who’s gonna understand that joke). I just picked up Good Girl Gone Bad yesterday, and it is HOT. Just like everything else, I’m 6 months late to the game. I remember when I was jamming to “California Love”, and all my friends were like, “Will, Tupac’s been dead for 2 years.” Anyway, hottest track on this album, besides “Umbrella”, has got to be “Please Don’t Stop the Music”. It’s impossible to *not* dance while that track is playing. I love you, Rihanna!

-Why is it that whenever you see Chris Brown on a magazine cover, he’s always got that semi-retarded look on his face? Exhibit A:

“Kiss Kiss” nothing! Grab your Kleenex, ’cause this boy’s a drooler! You know the type. Their “handler” is always trying to take them to the mall, knowing full well that they’re gonna go crazy and throw a fit in the middle of the damn place. And everyone looks over, thinking, “Why in the Hell did she think she could bring that boy up in here like that?!”

- I really thought the Dewmocracy.com commercial was an Army recruitment video. I mean, the Marines almost got me a few times with their crafty camerawork and use of kickass looking swords. With the covert ops scenes, spliced in with the hints of a dystopian future, I was about to run down to the nearest recruitment office. It turns out they just want me to help design the new flavor of Mountain Dew. Not quite the same thing, but I’m willing to hear more…

- I caught the last few minutes of Roadhouse on Spike the other night. Could someone please tell me what the fuck that movie was about? I saw some guy who looked like Santa Claus lying on the ground, and I think Patrick Swayze vowed to avenge him. And then these guys stormed a house, and Swayze beat the shit out of them, even though they had shotguns. And then a polar bear fell on some guy. It was all capped off by the main villain getting shot through a glass coffee table.

Now, I don’t have any old issues of Architectural Digest, but those glass top coffee tables seem to have been a staple of the time, and villains were always being shot or thrown through them. I know everybody wants to be a gangsta, but you have to decorate accordingly. If you’re in a line of work where shoot-outs may occur, you don’t want your home/office filled with glass. It’s just common sense, people. Seriously, though: What the fuck was Roadhouse supposed to be about?

-OK, I know that banner ads are supposed to be in-tune with the webpage on which they’re placed. However, I do believe that some things can go too far. Yesterday, I was trying to catch up on recent events on Sunday Best, so I hopped over to BET.com. Well, immediately, my eye was caught by a flashy-ass ad which could not be ignored: the entire side of the page was consumed by an ad for KFC. I shit you not. I clicked through several pages, but it was still there. KFC must be the biggest supporter of Black Entertainment Television.

Honestly, I hate watching BET (and formerly UPN) at this time of year, ’cause you’d think that all Black people do is eat chicken and shop at Wal-Mart. The hippies can give up Wal-Mart all they want ’cause the Black folks ain’t goin’ nowhere! I swear, Wal-Mart LOVES them some Black folks at Christmas time. The commercials have already started. The latest one is where the Black family buys grandpa a plasma TV. My favorite part is where they reassure him that they didn’t pay a lot of money for it. The commercial is geared toward this ideal: White guy’s response would be: “Well isn’t that great! I can watch the big game on it.” But Black guy’s response is immediately, “Y’all know we ain’t got money for this!” Gotta know your audience…

-Speaking of race, there’s no one who gets my pity more than the Black Republican on Election Night. You better believe that they’re gonna make sure to get him in every camera shot. He’s off to the side of the podium, just smiling and clapping, and every news outlet has to show that the Republican party is diversifying its ranks. The saddest part is that the dude is always out of place. It’s like he’s just not in on the joke. Even when they win, the Black dude is always left out of the congratulations proceedings. Everyone’s trading hearty handshakes, and he’s just still smiling and clapping. Sometimes he’ll even join in when the White guys start doing the whole Arsenio Hall Dog Pound Fist Cyclone (we gave that to them in 1996 when they let us have Mariah Carey). But even when they break out high-fives (for which he immediately feels well-suited), they high-five all around him. Sorry, Negro. Too slow! I swear, that guy must be the most hated guy ever because, for that one night, he’s the ironic victim of equal-opportunity hatred: Black Democrats, White Democrats, Many White Republicans, Green Partiers, Non-voters, his predominantly Democrat family, as well as his White wife’s family.

-How are you gonna have Van Wilder 2 without Van Wilder?! Also, I’m pretty sure Kal Penn is getting tired of faking that accent. It’s such a phoned-in performance, as the movie is more like Kumar Goes to England than it was about Taj. In the first Van Wilder, Taj was pretty fresh off the boat, and had only achieved a shred of cool by the end of that movie. In the sequel, he was the coolest guy ever (like Kal played in Harold & Kumar), while making fun of the British class system. Don’t bother with this movie, as you’ve seen it 25 times before. It’s Revenge of the Nerds meets Old School meets Bend It Like Beckham. If you want a funny college movie, though, you should see Grandma’s Boy. SO much better than people thought…

Well, that’s enough rambling for one day. In the immortal words of R.E.O. Speedwagon, “I believe it’s time for me to fly…”

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27th Feb2006

Probably A Little In Poor Taste…

by Will

“It’s been a long road, gettin’ from there to here…”

So, will somebody PLEASE clear up this Jill Carroll thing once and for all? I swear, this chick is like the new 2pac: Every time we think she’s dead, she goes and releases another tape.

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06th Oct2005

Cornell’s Sorority System, Described Using Celebrities du Jour

by Will

“I’m not above putting out for cash!”

So, to show you just how bored I tend to get at work, the following is a little project I gave myself the other day. With the help of my good web friend, Wikipedia , I set out to take a trip down Cornell memory lane. While doing this, I began to think of the fun times, the party times. And sometimes these involved crashing some kind of Greek mixer. In fact, I remember a Sig Ep/Kappa Delta mixer where the guys spent most of the evening sneering and me and Lip from the staircase as we took over the party. You know it was a lame party if Lip and I were the main event, but that was what happened some cold nights in Ithaca.

Anyway, while looking back, I began to remember the distinct personalities of the houses. There are different frats (yeah, yeah, “You wouldn’t call your country…”) and sororities because they’re all into different things. Yes, kids, it’s the high school cafeteria all over again. So, instead of trying to describe these different social mindsets, I decided to use examples instead. Yup, I went through all of the sororities on Cornell’s campus, and then found an actual celebrity alumnae from those specific houses, some Cornell alums, some alums of other schools, that best illustrate the general “theme” of the house. By “theme”, I’m basing it upon looks and personality. You may find some of these to be harsh. You may find some to be spot on. But all I can promise is that this is one guy’s Cornell-centric opinion, and these are all true alums of the houses. And if you don’t know a particular name, don’t be afraid to Google that mofo. So, away we go!

UPDATE: I simply love commentary too much to list names without explanation. Let’s see how much I can offend some people…

Delta Gamma – Ann Coulter
Bunch of blond, rich, White Republican girls. In my best James Lamb voice, “They wanted nothing to do with me.”

Chi Omega – Joyce DeWitt
Sure, in the South, “Chi Ho” is the shizzle, but not where I’m from. On the hill, this house is nothing but a breeding ground of “Janets” for the rest of the world’s “Chrissies”.

Pi Beta Phi – Jennifer Garner
Hottie hot-hot sporty spicers. You want a hot chick who could also take you down in a fight? This is your house. Buyer beware, some of them are “beautifully musculine”. Just sayin’…Anyway, I like to refer to this as The House of Tarek.

Kappa Delta – Ellen Dow
Sure, they all mean well, but…

Delta Delta Delta – Katie Couric
Cute, but deadly. Unassuming, but that’s just what they want you to think. Sleep with one eye open.

Kappa Alpha Theta – Jenna Von Oy
Ahh…Theta. Now, this was a house of those “rough around the edges” chicks where you have to ask, “Are you SURE you wanna be in a sorority?”

Alpha Phi- Kimberly Williams
She’s got the look. Nanananana, nanananananana, nanananana!!!! In all seriousness, this was the best house of groupies EVER. I mean, these girls ate, slept, and breathed a cappella. Sure, it was a Hangover house, but that seemed to change over time…

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Sophia Bush
Every girl in Kappa looks like this girl. And they all work for Morgan Stanley. They will stab you in the back if there’s an internship in it for them. Sounds like some kind of “One Tree Hill” plotline. In fact, I can’t look at any of them anymore without Gavin DeGraw popping into my head…

Alpha Chi Omega – Dawn Wells
The girl who used to be cute and sweet during orientation who’s now cute and a bitch. Wow, it’s amazing how Rush can change a person. Plus, y’all know that Ginger was the movie star, but Mary Ann HAD to have a chip on her shoulder!

Sigma Delta Tau – Joan Rivers
A bunch of loud Jewish girls. Yeah, I said it. And I loved how all their sweaters and crap said “EAT”.

Alpha Omicron Pi – Courtney Kupets
A bunch of girls with NOTHING in common who really just wanted to tell their friends back home that they were in a sorority. Honestly, you couldn’t find a larger, more motley group. These girls had NO business being together, as they were all gymnasts or ecologists looking for something to do over breaks…

Wow, this post came off really bitter, like they all rejected me or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. In all honesty, the Greek thing wasn’t really my scene. We did the parties when we had jack nothing else to do. But these were my observations from our “away team” missions. Anyway, it’s not like anybody from these houses is even gonna see this post…

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10th Jul2005

Rudy Guiliani: Lightning Rod For Disaster

by Will

“When you make an omelette, sometimes you’ve gotta kill a few people.”

So, I’m not sure how many of you have read this, but apparently Rudy Guiliani was in London, on the day of the bombings, not far from the Kings Cross station.

Now, my question is: How much bad luck can one guy have? You go through something like 9/11, and everyone tells you, “Yeah, it was horrible, but you’ll hopefully never have to experience anything like that again.” Yet, lo and behold, 4 yrs later…

What must’ve been going through his mind? Did he start having flashbacks?

It’s truly unfortunate, but I have to wonder if maybe he’s cursed or something. Kinda like Gloria Estefan…

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19th Jun2005

Deep Throat Was Revealed. He Didn’t Look Like He Did On The X-Files.

by Will

“We like to call him ‘The Louisville Smuggler’.”

If you ask me, Deep Throat was a lot cooler when he was the Black guy from “21 Jump Street”…

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27th Apr2005

Saluting A Real American Hero. No, An Actual Soldier.

by Will

I know I haven’t written much lately. There’s just so much going these days, ya know? Not just with me, but in the world in general. School bus crashes, disappearing club kids, and drive-by shootings…There’s a guy who’ll miss his college graduation next week ’cause they just fished him out of a stream. There’s a kid who’ll never graduate high school because he had the misfortune of living in a dangerous school district. As much as I’d love to join the discussion of cuisine and review bad import movies, I didn’t feel I could write until I had something meaningful to say. All of this makes me think about life, and about people who’re actually doing something with theirs.

Lately, my thoughts have been with Shelly’s cousin, Chris. You see, Chris is about to ship out for training before being deployed to Iraq. He is about to fight for his country and, say what you will about the president or the war, you cannot deny the meaning of this gesture. We tend to worry about little things, such as “I hope the customers today aren’t assholes”, while people are off, risking their lives in strange, foreign locales so that we can enjoy unnecessary luxuries.

Now, my patriotism goes about as far as “G.I.Joe”, but this really hits close to home. Chris is a great guy, just like many of the others serving abroad. I wouldn’t wish this assignment on my worst enemy (Eunice, anybody?) , so i especially don’t want him over there. But I have to keep telling myself that he’s going to be OK. That’s all any of us can do right now. Normally, I’m Captain Loophole, looking for a way out of things, but my Zach Morris powers are failing me right now. I don’t see a con out of this situation, which makes me even more anxious. His girlfriend, jokingly, had the idea of slightly hitting him with her car; not enough to seriously hurt him, but enough to render him ineffective for combat. As funny as it sounded at first, it really doesn’t sound that far-fetched at the moment…

I can’t imagine what must be going through his head, but I know he’s probably worried, as I’m worried for him. I was apprehensive about writing this because I didn’t really know how to best convey my thoughts. When I think of the risk he’s about to take…I’m speechless.Not only because of the gesture, but also because he is about to do something that I could not do. I am not brave enough to do this, as ashamed as I am to admit that. What am I doing with MY life? Nothing that compares to this.

So, all I can do is think positively, keep him in my prayers, and be thankful. Thank you, Chris. Thank you and everyone else fighting, for doing what I could not do. Thank you for your bravery and sacrifice, and just know that we are all keeping you in our thoughts.

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20th Apr2005

Republicans & Fundamentalist Christians. Says It All…

by Will

Well, big week, big week…

We’ve got a new pope and Ann Coulter’s on the cover of Time. Isn’t all this in Revelations or something?

Anyway, I’m not too fond of the conservatives or certain religious sects at the moment. I think my feelings on both are best wrapped up in this recent report from Rolling Stone:

“The problem not only with fundamentalist Christians but with Republicans in general is not that they act on blind faith, without thinking. The problem is that they are incorrigible doubters with an insatiable appetite for Evidence. What they get off on is not Believing, but in having their beliefs tested. That’s why their conversations and their media are so completely dominated by implacable bogeymen: marrying gays, liberals, the ACLU, Sean Penn, Europeans and so on. Their faith both in God and in their political convictions is too weak to survive without an unceasing string of real and imaginary confrontations with those people – and for those confrontations, they are constantly assembling evidence and facts to make their case.

But here’s the twist, They are not looking for facts which to defeat opponents. They are looking for facts that ensure them an ever-expanding roster of opponents. They can be correct facts, incorrect facts, irrelevant facts, it doesn’t matter. The point is not to win the argument, the point is to make sure the argument never stops. “

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11th Apr2005

The TV Tropes of 24 and Diff’rent Strokes

by Will

Where have all the original ideas gone?

For the second time in four seasons, “24″ has invoked the 25th Amendment.

Now, I’ve gotta admit, it’s a wicked awesome clause that rarely has a use, but a typical “24″ season is built around finding some way to get the VP into the Big Chair. But as we saw tonight, I don’t think President Logan is up to the task, which may explain why David Palmer’s coming back for the last four hours of the season.

I know TV reuses ideas, but this is so hackneyed! How would the US invoke the 25th in 2 consecutive presidential terms?!! Why didn’t these people just nominate the VP in the first place? Why go through all the legwork? Was there no other way to start the final act of the season?

This reminds me of another TV gripe I’ve had recently: “Diff’rent Strokes”. The 8th episode of Season 1 is a clip show. A show full of flashbacks. Of the 7 episodes that aired prior.

OK, a standard TV season is 22 episodes. When shows DO resort to clip shows, they usually have a couple of seasons under their belt, so that the flashbacks sort of build upon each other to further the plot.

But not Diff’rent Strokes! Oh, no! They felt the first seven episodes were so monumental, they had to recap them a mere two months after the show began! And did I mention that this trip down memory lane was a two-parter?!!! Yup, they had the audacity to waste 60 minutes just to convince us that hilarity ensues when a rich white dude adopts 2 soul brothas from Harlem. Episode frickin’ 8!!! The stars hadn’t even discovered hookers and blow by episode 8! THAT’S when the show really started taking off…

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20th Feb2005

Well, Clinton Always Did Love Bush…

by Will

In a land a world away…

Two men….

One mission…

One hates broccoli…

One LOVES blowjobs…

THE buddy cop adventure of the new season

TSUNAMI FORCE: BUSHWHACKERS!

Coming this fall on UPN

(G0d, I love that picture!)

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