Today In Black History…
So, if you followed me on Twitter at this time last year, then you're already familiar with this whole process. I wanted to do it again this year, but I'm unreliable, and I'll probably miss a day. Plus, as I've acquired more black followers, I'm learning that this isn't so uncommon. Instead of looking like a "biter", as they say, I wanted to show that I can roll with the big dawgs! So, I thought I'd blow it out in one fell swoop. Plus, at the end, you'll find a handy, dandy PDF that you can print out and remember the great contributions that Ne..African Americans have made to our society. There's a different event for each day, so share it with your white friends, and put a copy up on your Kwanzaa mantle. Yes, we can!
IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, Y'ALL!!!
1) Today In Black History: Arnold & Willis Jackson became the first poor black kids adopted by a rich white person
2) Today in Black History: Jimmie Walker left his lucrative career in demolitions to become a comedian.
3) Today in Black History, The Eastland School for Girls admitted Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey as its first black student
4) Today in Black History, the Fresh King of Bel Air was assassinated. The throne remained empty until a long lost son was found in 1990.
5) Today in Black History, Kunta Kinte is accepted into the space program, and it only costs him his eyesight.
6) Today in Black History, the black girl became the Yellow Ranger, which was only slightly less offensive.
7) Today in Black History, boxer Cassius Clay was bitten by a radioactive Muslim, transforming him into Muhammad Ali
8) Today in Black History, the remains of the fabled “Caribbean Queen” were found in the trunk of Billy Ocean’s car.
9) Today in Black History, Devonté Henson became the first black person to scale the Aggro Crag.
10) Today in Black History, a young Tyler Perry put on his first dress. Years later, he would learn that he could be paid for it.
11) Today in Black History, scientists combined the DNA of Morris Day and a pony. The result was Prince.
12) Today in Black History, Mr. T pitied his first fool, which is still illegal in most states.
13) Today in Black History, Lt Uhura inspired a generation of black women to work for the phone company.
14) Today in Black History, DeBarge discovered a place where they could dance the whole night away. It was an abandoned T.J. Maxx
15) Today in Black History, the US Government cracked down on music piracy after Rerun snuck that tape recorder into the Doobie Bros concert
16) Today in Black History, the Negro Hockey League was founded. After everyone had a good laugh, the site was converted to a Popeyes.
17) Today in Black History, Magic Johnson opened the first movie theater chain where blacks were encouraged to yell at the screen
18) Today in Black History, George Washington Carver’s lazier brother, Jamal, invented crunchy peanut butter.
19) Today in Black History, Janet Jackson joined the cast of TV’s “Fame”. Critics declared this would be the lowest point for the Jackson family
20) Today in Black History, Dwayne Wayne discovered a parallel universe - a different world, where Marisa Tomei was the only white person.
21) Today in Black History, Frederick, MD was named for Frederick Douglass - known for his love of Walmart and the white women
22) Today in Black History, Aunt Jemima discovered Uncle Ben’s affair with Mrs Butterworth, thus splitting Black America’s first power couple
23) Today in Black History, Acorn Avenue -an all-black version of Sesame Street, debuted featuring NeGrover & Big Turkey. It would only air once
24) Today in Black History, 16 Soul Train dancers were killed in what has come to be known as “The Cabbage Patch Massacre of ‘91”
25) Today in Black History, Autobot Rosa Sparks gained attention when she refused to transform into the back of a bus. (Courtesy of @OAFE)
26) Today in Black History, Jesse Jackson formed the R&B group The Civil Rights. They were dropped from Motown before releasing a single.
27) Today in Black History, with Knight Rider & The A-Team, NBC became the first network to devote a night to shows starring black vehicles
28) Today in Black History, Republican scientists proclaimed "Shucky ducky!" as they successfully completed secret cloning experiment, Operation: Chocolate Cheney.
Be sure to celebrate responsibly, but let's get it poppin' like a Jackson Hewitt commercial! After all, it's what our ancestors would've wanted.
Thrift Justice – What You Leave Behind
It's funny when people find out about my whole thrifting obsession. One of the first questions I get is "Where do you keep all of the stuff?" Well, it's spread across the state of Maryland in various strongholds. Or am I lying? The point I wanted to make today is that, contrary to popular belief, I don't buy every quirky little thing that I come across. In fact, there are a lot of items that I'm simply thrilled to see, and don't really need to go through the trouble of lugging them home. There have been many items that caught my eye for various reasons, but I had to leave them where they were. I thought I'd share a few of those with you today.
If this isn't your first time here, then you already know that I have an unhealthy affinity for boybands. It is what it is. That said, it was a lot worse when I was in high school. I bought more YM and Teen People than any heterosexual male should ever purchase. I couldn't help it, though - every issue seemed to focus on some boyband du jour, and I LOVED the embarrassing stories letter columns. Those chicks were TOTALLY MORTIFIED!
Anyway, I just found the cover to this to be hilarious. 98 Degrees were in a weird place, as they actually came out prior to the boyband explosion, and then had to change their image to fit with the times. Just look at the nerdlinger in the middle. I STILL don't know how he got in that group. Was he just a really old Make-A-Wish patient or something?
Once upon a time, Haim Saban gave birth to a really gifted child, known as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Since Haim had a success on his hands, and he LOVED money, he decided to give birth to another child. This second child would take advantage of the world's new fascination with the concept of "virtual reality". He created VR Troopers, in which a bro, his black friend, and the chick who won't let him bang, all have the ability to enter a VR world, where they fight a white businessman who hasn't yet learned that the real fun is in foreclosures. Oh, and there's also a talking dog. Anyway, Saban's second child was seen as the retard of the dynasty, and we done away with after 2 seasons. What you're seeing is a GIANT figure of main character Ryan Steele in his VR form. This thing is a good 15 inches, at least. It was made by Kenner, so it boasts minimal articulation. There was a part of me that felt it would make a quirky mantle piece, but I just didn't want such a totem of failure messing up my chi. So, I had to leave Ryan behind.
OK, now this one is a real kicker. I was in an antique mall, and stumbled upon this little piece of history. You're not going to be able to read the text, so let me spell it out for you. On the left is a letter written to James Earl Ray, who you might know from history class as Martin Luther King's convicted assassin. I put the word "convicted" in there, as an article featured in the New Times magazine on the right implied that King's death was part of a vast conspiracy. If you want to know more about that, there's always Google and Wikipedia. No, the interesting part is on the left. It was a letter sent to Ray while he was in prision. The author of the letter was giving Ray his support, saying that the article had provided enough evidence that the case should be reopened. At the bottom of this letter, Ray actually wrote a reply, with prisoner number, signature, and all. It's also funny that he writes "Ray" the same way it was written on the movie poster for the Ray Charles biopic. Now, THAT would be a conspiracy!
Before he became an internet meme and Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was just a dude with a beard who starred in borderline shitty movies. He also had a actually shitty 80s cartoon, called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. Ya know, considering how many shows kept replacing "C" with "K" in their titles, it's no wonder our generation can barely read. Hell, one of your friends might be reading this aloud to you as we speak! But I digress...The 80s were an odd time, what with deregulation and all, where you could have a 5-episode miniseries that's rerun throughout an entire season and also spawns a toy line. FIVE EPISODES! But that's exactly what happened here.
I got one of the figures when they first came out. Still have him. You can't imagine the torture I inflicted on that thing. The one toy that I always wanted, however, was his car (or would that be "kar"?). Actually, its proper name is the "Karate Corvette." I honestly can't believe they didn't go with "Korvette"; who was steering this ship?! Oddly enough, I've been having dreams about this toy lately. Don't ask why - I couldn't tell you myself. The dreams must have been an omen, however, that the Karate Corvette would soon enter my life. Ever since I started doing these thrift runs, I had a mental list of toys that I expected to see, and this car was always on it. Last week, my search was over, as it was right before my eyes. This car is 80s badassery cranked up to 11. Not only is it a Corvette, which was THE pussydrencher automobile of the decade, but it had fucking ninja blades that popped out of the sides and hood! It's like a 4-wheeled assault on homeless guys who try to wash your windows at red lights! I always wanted this car, but this one wasn't in the best shape, plus it's almost the size of a Barbie Corvette. No, I would have to leave it behind. After all, Chuck can't drive it in the World of Warcraft, anyway.
Back when I was 12, and before I learned that they showed boobs during Masterpiece Theatre, Ghostwriter was the coolest thing on PBS. Basically, it's about a bunch of New York tweens who solve mysteries through the power of literacy. They were aided by Ghostwriter, who appeared like a karaoke ball and would rearrange available letters to send them messages. Sure, it sounds pretty dumb now, but it was pretty engrossing, especially when most story arcs were 4-5 episodes long - somewhat unheard of in children's programming. None of those kids went anywhere, except for Spanish Kid #2 who ended up as Token Gay Guy on The Real World: Philadelphia. Nope, no room for this in my lair. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed off that they never got around to telling Ghostwriter's origin!
Blue Collar Ninja! How awesome is that?! It's like something out of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja. I'm STILL kicking myself for leaving him behind. He would've looked GREAT on a shelf, but I was put off by his bootleg nature. He looked like the kind of thing that would just fall apart once I got him out of the bag. Blue collar ninja! He pays bills, drives a truck, and SILENTLY KILLS PEOPLE!
So, on that note, I think I'll wrap this up. This is most likely the last Thrift Justice post of 2011, so I thank you all for joining me for the ride. Be sure to come back in 2012, when I'll be another year older, yet hopefully just as funny. Until next time, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!
Thrift Justice – Strapped For Cash
I've got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I'm still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I've picked up recently. Let's jump right in, shall we?
First up, we've got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don't really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I've ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don't have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don't really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.
I love the Power Rangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I've been tracking down old morphers like it's my job. I'm not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I've been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they're models that came out after I stopped buying, so I've been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.
My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn't jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn't ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!
This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I've been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn't come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I'm still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.
I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I'd buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I'd wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don't care. Referred to as "The Strap" by the professionals, I'd always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I've yet to win the lottery, so I don't have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they're Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I'm honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I'd NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That's more my speed.
I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I'm probably America's biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn't want these at $10 apiece. I'm pretty sure they didn't cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and 'NSYNC merchandise isn't really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.
Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!
Does A Body Good
After all these years, I still find that I'm too immature for "Got Milk?" ads. These things have been around for almost 20 years, so it must be an effective campaign. That said, most of them just look like a money shot from a celebrity sex tape with high production values. Even when they did one with Batman - my hero among heroes - it just made my heart hurt for the Caped Crusader! Was that how he was replenishing the Wayne fortune?!!!
Anyway, I work at...a place filled with...people who might be inspired to drink milk, and these posters are everywhere. Hell, I think we ran out of money, and they're just using them as cheap wallpaper. In any case, I thought I'd share a few of them with you, along with my thoughts. Before we get started, I apologize for the quality of the pictures; Ansel Adams never had to use a BlackBerry camera...
Just look in that dog's eyes. He clearly saw the whole thing. This just makes me think back to the time Amanda quit Twitter because she got a bunch of backlash for saying she preferred black guys. What did Devante do to you, Amanda?! What did he do?!!!
They finally came up with a way to get me to not notice the milk mustache. Ha! He's with a giraffe! Honestly, I think the funniest part is that the giraffe actually finished college.
This is probably the worst picture of Demi Lovato I've ever seen, and I say that as a Demi fan. Hell, you don't say something nice about her, and she will punch you in your face! She went to rehab for it and everything. Anyway, this picture looks like it might be some sad artifact sent to the past from a future where her career has totally derailed, yet the "Demi Loves Otto" sex tape is tearing up the SuperNet.
This one is disturbing to me because, in real life, Victoria Justice looks like a bad Photoshop job. She's got the face of a 25 year old, yet the body of a fit 15 year old. She's like a younger clone of Giada De Laurentiis. She just seems like an odd choice for a milk ad. "Your body will be suspended in teen animation, but you'll be pretty. Drink up!"
And I thought R. Kelly was the one who sang "Down Low". Notice how you can't really see from the waist down? These are my confessions...
OH, COME THE FUCK ON!
Charlottes, and Boybands, and Attraction! Oh, My!
In some circles of popular culture, it's believed that the four women of Sex and the City represent the types of women that men are looking for out in the world. Whether it's demure, girl next door Charlotte, career-driven, slightly man-hating Miranda, sexually aggressive Samantha, or the anomaly that is Carrie Bradshaw, one of those women is supposed to be the perfect match for every man out there. Given those options, I feel that most men are searching for Charlotte in a world filled with Mirandas and wannabe Samanthas. Am I wrong? Of course I am, but that's because that's not a well-rounded group from which to choose. That theory just doesn't work there, as the selection is limited. I'll tell you, however, an area of pop culture that got it right: boybands. Outside of music concerned with rhyming "alone" with "phone", boybands were created according to a perfect science, where they offered something for every girl out there. Whether she wore short skirts or t-shirts, whether she was the cheer captain or on the bleachers - there truly was a boyband guy for every girl. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
First up, we've got the Cute One. He's the one selling the concert tickets. He's not always the lead singer, but he's singing at least half the songs. That one's easy - he's there because he's "dreamy". Just like David Cassidy and Michael Jackson before him, he's the one whose name is being doodled in the notebooks of the nation's teenage girls.
Next, we've got the Bad Boy. He's got tattoos and crazy hair. He might even have an odd obsession with aviator goggles. He sings a bunch of hooks, and operates under the "less is more" doctrine. After all, he's too busy getting tattoos and buying new aviator goggles to be up in front like the Cute One. For all the girls who like a walk one the wild side, this one's for you.
Then, we've got the Shy One. He *usually* doesn't necessarily do much 'cause, you know, he's shy. Also, years later, everyone will have to feign surprise when he also turns out to be the Gay One and/or the REALLY Religious One. He's not comfortable in the spotlight, as he's trying to keep a lid on his secret. Once it's revealed, however, it'll open up a whole new fan base for him and the group. Anyway, he's for the girl who falls in love with her gay best friend.
You've also got the Older Brother. He was the guy who was working at Universal Studios the longest, and probably helped recruit the other guys. He doesn't sing much, but he's guaranteed a slot due to his assistance in recruitment. Once the whole boyband thing blows over, he won't be making appearances on E! red carpet, but he'll have a nice ranch in Montana somewhere. He's the safe choice - the provider. He's not into glitz and glam, as this is just a job. He hasn't forgotten his roots, and he understands the value of loyalty.
Finally, you've got the Other Guy. This can mean a lot of things. Maybe he's the Halfy, for a little urban flavor (but not too much flavor).
Maybe he's the minority variant of the Shy One.
And don't forget the Goofball! He's got a sense of humor. Bitches love a sense of humor.
At the end of the day, he doesn't do much. He's #5, and his sole role is to provide symmetry on posters and in dance routines. Should the Older Brother decide to leave the group, the Other Guy's role becomes more prominent. By being ill-defined, he provides a bit of mystery that is different from that you get from the Bad Boy. With the Bad Boy, you never ask "Why isn't he singing?" You already know the answer: it's either "He's gonna sing the bridge" OR "'Cause he didn't feel like it". With the Other Guy, you'll constantly hear moms asking "Why doesn't the Mexican boy sing more?" He's an anomaly, but because of that, he can be whatever you need him to be. He's the guy nobody notices, so he won't have an ego. He's just waiting for a woman to come along and make a "project" out of him.
If you have the right balance, you have this:
But if the balance is off, you end up with this:
If done right, there's something for everyone. If done wrong, someone's preference is being neglected. SCIENCE!
Born This Way: A Review
While I've been known to throw my opinion around where it's not needed, I tend to stay away from Gaga. I can't explain her. She's the Apple Jacks of music - people can't explain why they like her; they just do. She came along, and all of her weirdness has just been embraced and encouraged by the general populace. Her major label debut was the pretty-mediocre-for-a-pop-song "Just Dance", but things got weirder from there. After "Paparazzi", "Poker Face", and "Bad Romance", people began to realize that Gaga wasn't just going to be some run of the mill pop starlet.
From a musical perspective, I can get down with the Lady. I'm just surprised that people eat up her idiosyncrasies when they would normally drive people away with a simple "That bitch is weird!" I'm not one of Gaga's "Little Monsters", so I don't claim to know the motivations behind this and that. I was just sitting here, with little to do, and her new album, Born This Way, at my disposal. So, I figured I'd throw in my two cents, as far as what I took away from the listening experience. I was a bit surprised by the 80s direction she took with the album, but that just made me love it more. So, let's see what's inside:
1. Marry the Night: This was the first song released on Gagaville, so I have a bit more history with it (yes, I play Farmville; you can either laugh or shut up and add me as a neighbor). It was the first track I'd heard other than the polarizing "Born This Way" and the familiar "Judas", and it made me realize Gaga had something different in mind for this album. From a melody standpoint, the bridge sounds like it was lifted from Lara Fabian's underrated hit, "I Will Love Again". So far, so good.
2. Born This Way: Since its debut back in February, everything's pretty much already been said about this song. Yes, it's basically an update of Madonna's "Express Yourself". What started as a gay anthem turned out to be so cloying that many of Gaga's gay fans seemed to turn their backs on her for it. It isn't, however, the "Madonniest" track on the album.
3. Government Hooker: People are gonna hate me for this, but this sounds like an edgy Aqua song. You know why I say that? It's because of the weird Swedish (German?) dude saying shit in the background. It wasn't as prevalent on their first album, but the second Aqua album was FULL of him trying to sound "deep" with his "I learned English by watching American television" accent. And what's with the John F. Kennedy reference? I swear, where would pop culture be without Kennedy and World War II?
4. Judas: Hands down, one of my favorite tracks on the album. Why? Because it's "Badder Romance". RedOne took a page from Max Martin's book and threw the same damn song in our faces with a new title (like you didn't realize "Since U Been Gone" and "My Life Would Suck Without You" started with the same damn riff!). Go ahead, sing the "Bad Romance" chorus over this instrumental. I'll wait. All the vamps are still there. I haven't loved a pop song as much as "Bad Romance" since "Tearin Up My Heart", so I have no problem with this clone.
5. Americano: This is gonna be one of Gaga's best songs once she gets older and starts playing the cabaret circuit in the Village. I can just hear the spots where she'll yell, "Barkeep, another Manhattan!"
6. Hair: As I mentioned on twitter, the electric piano riffs sound like they were lifted from a Solid HarmoniE song (Pearlman rest their souls). The subtle background sax sets us up for what's to come a few songs down the tracklist with "The Edge of Glory". Like that song, this one feels more like a P!nk track. I don't feel anything particularly "gaga" is being brought to this song.
7. Scheibe: "What if La Bouche covered 'Du Hast'?" Ain't nothing wrong with that.
8. Bloody Mary: This, to me, feels like the closest ancestor of The Fame to be found on this album. I love that it has a haunting Hurts/later Duran Duran quality to it.
9. Black Jesus - Amen Fashion: This, to me, is the "Madonniest" track on the album. Starting off with "Jesus is the new Black", for a little religious controversy, the verse follows the early 90s "bounce beat" model of the "Express Yourself" era. If ever there was a video screaming for a Leon cameo, this would be it.
10. Bad Kids: While the middle of the album hovers around the early 90s, this track seems to signal the shift back through time. This feels very 1989, and we just go back from there. Love the Robert Miles-esque loop in the bridge.
11. Fashion of His Love: LOVE this. We continue our trip back to the 80s, as this is the kind of song Tiffany (or Robin Sparkles) would be singing in the food court of the local mall. Not that mall - the other one, with the Gadzooks and the Long John Silvers.
12. Highway Unicorn (Road To Love): this is the kind of song I expect to hear when I think "Lady Gaga". Plus, the title would make a kick ass Lisa Frank folder!
13. Heavy Metal Lover: as close to a filler track as you're gonna get from Gaga. Again, it sounds like "Gaga", but doesn't really do much for me.
14. Electric Chapel: Nice 80s guitar shredding going on, taking us into Kylie-esque synths. Come to think of it, this would've probably sounded the same had they just given it to Kylie.
15. The Queen: Synth craziness! I'm putting on my legwarmers just so I can do the Maniac dance. This song is so 80s, it makes me want to buy an inflatable cactus and write love letters to Justine Bateman. Then, we slow it down. The contrast between beginning and end are so striking that it alomost feels like 2 songs were glued together.
16. You and I: This song sounds like A) something Jesse & The Rippers would sing, B) an early 90s jingle for Diet Coke, C) a theme song demo for A Different World or D) a rocked out interpretation of Anna Nalick's "Breathe (2 AM)".
17. The Edge of Glory: Again, this sounds like a P!nk song. Or a Kelly Clarkson song that had previously been rejected by P!nk. This song will be a money maker, though, as it seems like it was written just to be used during sports championships and reality show competitions. It'll be the "Bad Day" of 2011. And that motherfucking sax solo! Clarence motherfucking Clemons! A lot of people said that it was jarring having it in the song, but there's never a wrong time for a sweet sax solo (After a few listens, I think it would've worked with a Steve Winwood synth solo, too). Plus, how come nobody's talking about the Reading Rainbow thing going on at the end of the sax solo? Anyway, it's definitely a strong closing track that leaves you wanting more.
So, there ya have it. You may disagree, or you may say, "Damn, you're a genius!" I'll take whatever ya got. A lot of y'all won't even have the album til Tuesday, so we can reconvene then. Until then, take care of yourselves...and each other.
Glee: The Music Presents The Warblers
I haven't really discussed Glee much on this site. I actually wrote a pretty scathing review of the "sneak preview" that Fox aired back in '09, but it's still sitting in draft form. Basically, I didn't think the show would last, but I wanted to give it a chance to prove itself. After a bit, I became happy with myself for not publishing that post, as I fell in love with the show.
Season 1 of Glee was this musical quirk fest that shouldn't exist, yet somehow became popular - kinda like Lady Gaga. You'd ask anyone why they liked it, and you'd get the Apple Jacks response: "I dunno. I just do." Glee launched a bit slowly, but then exploded after winter hiatus during its first season. Of course, the candle that burns brightest burns fastest. Season 2 started off contrived, and just continued to go downhill. In conversations I've had with folks, I've pointed out that I was driven away by how preachy the character of Kurt had become. If you want to know more about that viewpoint, we can handle that in another post. Mainly, I felt that few of the characters were likable, and it was no longer worth tuning in just to hear the gold that comes from Brittany and Santana's mouths - especially when those lines will just end up on twitter.
My biggest problem with the second season, however, is the role that the music now fulfills: in the first season, the plot dictated the song choices, but now it's the other way around, as the song choices have begun to dictate the plot. It was already illogical that these kids would break out in song this much, but now it's harder to believe that they all suffered Britney Spears-centric hallucinations from a visit to the dentist. These are Sitcom Season 6 plotlines, when the cast is just trying to burn off some stories to add to the syndication count. Glee now feels like an odd combination of lazy/forced, as you can tell that a lot of work went into the musical aspect, but they're just so lazy in setting up a *reason* for said music. So, I gave up on the show about 6 episodes into the season. However, one good thing did come from this season: The Warblers.
I dropped out of Glee just as The Warblers were introduced, so I don't know the full story there (nor do I care enough to wiki it). I know Kurt was thinking of transferring to Dalton Academy, and his new school would feature this A-MAH-zing all-male group called The Warblers. While New Directions music contained instrumentation, The Warblers were full-on a cappella, bringing a new sound to the show while also showing people that not all show choirs are a cappella (and vice versa).
Once I gave up the show, I continued downloading the songs, as I still liked the music - especially the songs that clearly had unique arrangements and weren't just karaoke versions of Top 40 hits. The tracks that never failed to impress me all came from The Warblers. Not only do they tackle some pretty intricate arrangements, but they also have a sound remiscent of late 90s collegiate a cappella, which was a time before technology came to dominate those recordings. Currently, as technology has become cheaper, a cappella recordings have started abusing autotune as much as Top 40 radio.
The main force behind The Warblers' sound would be the Tufts Beelzebubs, an all-male collegiate a cappella group from Tufts University. The Bubs dominated a cappella during the late 90s/early '00s with a clean blend that was achieved through talent and effective mixing, but didn't overuse unnecessary effects. The current Bubs actually contribute the vocals for The Warblers, and it's nice to hear that the group is still amazing at what they do. When you meet someone on the street and tell them you sang a cappella, they always ask "Oh, like Rockapella?". Yeah, sure, but what we really wanted to be were The Bubs, The Derbies, The Crosbies or The Dukesmen. So, you could say I'm a fan.
I finally got around to listening to Glee: The Music Presents The Warblers, which collects the Warbler songs that have been featured on the show. I had heard tracks here and there, but after listening to them altogether, I feel that this is once of the best a cappella albums I've heard in QUITE some time. From start to finish, from song selection to blend, this is a nearly flawless collection. Plus, it's nice that Chris Colfer has a platform where his voice can finally shine. He has that distinctive voice where, in an a choral setting, it would be a bitch to get him to blend, but the trade-off would be that he's a dynamic soloist.
There are some real standout tracks on this collection. A cappella groups have done a good job reinterpreting Train songs, and that's true here as they guys turn in a great arrangement of "Hey, Soul Sister."You can also hear the fun in their voices in their cover of "Animal" by Neon Trees. Out of nowhere, they blow the doors off "When I Get You Alone", originally performed by a "Robin-less" Thicke. Finally, I found myself really enjoying a simple, yet still moving, rendition of Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know". If there's one track that might go into the "miss" category, I'd have to say it's their version of "Blackbird". It's not bad, per se, but it lacked the dynamics of the other arrangements. Other than that, it's a solid collection.
If you went to a school that didn't dabble in a cappella, or if you just want to hear what some consider to be the gold standard of collegiate a cappella, you can't go wrong with Glee: The Music Presents The Warblers. I consider this a nice little "Bon Voyage To Glee" present for me. I came for the Lea Michele, but I left with the Darren Criss. Y'all let me know if they ever make a Warblers spinoff show.
Adventures West Coast – The Archie Wedding: Archie In “Will You Marry Me?”
The beauty of writing these things when I do is that I get to miss the hype that accompanies the initial release. At that point, everybody's writing about it and you run the risk of having your own opinion tainted by what you end up reading in those reviews. I read a lot of articles dedicated to this particular storyline, but luckily I no longer remember most of them. What I do remember is that most people hated the story, which sounds about right seeing as how most comic fans hate everything.
The Archie Wedding: Archie In "Will You Marry Me?" collects the eight-part headline making storyline where the ambivalent teenager finally puts an end to the 70 year old question: "Betty or Veronica?" The catch, however, is that he chooses both. Using a plot device that finds Archie walking up Memory Lane instead of down, he ends up getting a glimpse of his own future. Framed around Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken", Archie first chooses the path on the left, which shows him what his life would be like if he were to marry Veronica.
The Veronica Marriage turns out to be nowhere near as bad as I would've thought going into it. Considering Veronica has behaved like a spoiled bitch most of her existence, I expected her to make Archie's life a living Hell. Instead, however, it seems that the marriage and partnership between Archie and Ronnie turns her into a kinder person, and they become a stronger unit for it. Mr Lodge sees potential in Archie, giving him a prestigious corporate job. Archie and Ronnie have twins. Archie, who next to Dick Clark is America's oldest teenager, *gasps* becomes a responsible husband and father.
The thing I found funny about the whole affair is that up to the very point of proposal, the entire town had no clue which way he would go. Even Archie's own parents only figured it out because the bank called to verify the amount of the check he had cashed to buy the ring, which indicated to them that he had chosen Veronica. There's no indication that their relationship had really grown in the "missing years", and it had the same impact as if he had simply proposed in high school.
After putting his twins to bed, Archie takes another stroll up Memory Lane, and ends up taking the other path. At this point, he finds himself back at the day of his college graduation, and he realizes that his future with Ronnie hadn't (hasn't?) happened. Here's where things seemed a bit fucked up to me. You see, at the graduation afterparty, all signs point to Archie choosing Veronica. He even pulls her aside to talk with her, but she blows him off because all she can talk about is the European trip she's about to embark upon. It's at this moment that he realizes he'll never fit into her jet set world. So, he slinks away from her only to cross the room and promptly propose to Betty. See, in the Veronica story, he was genuinely in love with Ronnie, but in the Betty story, he's still in love with Ronnie, but *settles* for Betty. What a great foundation on which to build a marriage!
Archie's parents seem bewildered by his choice. They were excited when it was Veronica, but freak out when it's Betty. I think Mr & Mrs Andrews might've been a bunch of golddiggers. Also, Archie and Betty have no money, so their wedding is a small affair at Pop's, while he and Ronnie had a media circus of a wedding. Once the festivities are over, Archie finds himself jobless, while Betty has a jr executive position waiting in New York. They move to the Big Apple, where Archie becomes a struggling musician, while Betty succeeds in the corporate world. He's pretty miserable, which is only made worse one night when he's berated by one of Betty's superiors. Standing by her man, she tells off her boss, quits her job, and they move back to Riverdale. Gradually, things get a little better, as Betty begins teaching at Riverdale High, where Archie becomes the new music teacher. They both flourish in their new roles, and go on to have twins.
There are a lot of problems with this storyline, but the main one is that it's simply not fun. Now, I realize that times have changed. While the comics do quite well in Europe, American children no longer grow up regularly reading Archie. That said, the books are still being published for that audience, yet this particular series clearly wasn't written with children in mind. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to know who is the target audience for the book. The general tone of it is "adulthood sucks". There's no real silver lining, nor is there an awesome ending. Give this thing to an emo teen, and he would promptly commit suicide, as its view on life is pretty bleak. If the book was geared towards adult Archie fans, then it's still a slap in the face, as it serves as a mirror of their own mundane lives. It's Archie's lowest creative point since the time when he was featured in those Spire Christian Comics.
I now realize the story isn't over, as this miniseries just served as a set-up to continued over time. There's a new Life With Archie: The Married Life magazine which follows the adventures of Married Archie, both with Veronica and Betty. I just don't know who would want to read more. It's depressing, almost like certain Family Circle or Funky Winkerbean strips. For example, it's just been revealed that Ms Grundy will succumb to cancer in an upcoming issue. Why?!! That's like giving Mr. Belding Alzheimer's?! Who the fuck wants to see that? This story is tailor made for the same people who always watched those Brady Bunch reunion movies. You know, where Bobby has a race car accident and Jan's getting separated from her husband? It's continuity porn for the mundane, and it never needed to exist.
I LOVE a good future tale, especially if there's a chance that it might be the "definitive" future, but you use that format as an opportunity to take some chances! Say that Archie and Veronica tour the world as a Sonny & Cher-esque spin-off of The Archies. Say that Archie and Betty are saving pandas or some shit. Do NOT give Archie a 9 to 5 and a minivan!
I'm sure somebody out there was glad to see this, but I'm certainly not one of them. Then again, I want to think there's more a more colorful future for Archie than the boring-ass shit depicted in this story. I did, however, like that Archie seemed to choose Veronica in both cases. Sure, it's not balanced, but everyone loves a good bitch. Plus, you just know that Betty gets fat.
RePlay: The Christmas Experiment
So, in the DC area, WASH (97.1) becomes the all-Christmas station at this time of year. In recent years, it's been almost a race to see how soon they'll make the format switch. It used to occur on Black Friday, but now it happens about a week before that. Many people hate this, and groan "Let's take care of Thanksgiving first", but I LOVE it. I love Christmas music. I love the season and everything about it.
Now, I've already discussed how there aren't any modern Christmas classics being released, so I thought I would try a little experiment. I decided to just let WASH play, and then write up a little blurb about the feelings I got from the songs played during that stretch of music. Let's take a closer look, shall we?
Baby, It's Cold Outside (Any): Winter time Date Rape at its finest
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jackson 5): Bitch better not let Joe catch her!
Last Christmas (Wham): A wonderful '80s classic. I keep this in my rotation year round. I'm actually surprised Diddy never got around to sampling this beat.
Do They Know It's Christmas? (Band Aid): Those poor savages. I'll bet they don't have calendars.
All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey): As far as I'm concerned, Love Actually Girl beat Mariah for the championship on this song. No, not really, but I love the Hell out of that movie.
White Christmas (Bing Crosby): If you listen closely, you'll realize this used to be a Klan propaganda song. As Uncle Ruckus would say, "Look how perfect and white these nice folks is, smellin' like lemon furniture polish!"
The Christmas Shoes (NewSong): This song takes on a whole new meaning when you realize the kid is just trying to con the store out of a fresh pair of Jordans.
Christmas Through Your Eyes (Gloria Estefan): You realize this is sung from the point of view of a Miami Sound Machine member who was blinded in one of Gloria's bus accidents, right?
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Any): Silly folks! You can't make a yuletide gay...unless you send it to prison. Otherwise, it has to be born that way.
Feliz Navidad (Jose Feliciano): The definitive Latin stamp on Christmas. You know Spanish people were as siced about this as black people were when we created a new version of "Happy Birthday". Still waiting on a remix with Pitbull and Daddy Yankee, though.
OK, enough rambling from me. Until next time, remember to keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
From The Vault
- The Sing-Off: It Ain't Your Elitist Grandpa's A Cappella
- Retarded Chris Brown, Black Republicans, Van Wilder-less Van Wilder 2
- RIP Crocodile Hunter
- Joyce DeWitt Hair, The DCU, Craigslit?, and Jenna Von Oy's Ass
- John Byrne Thinks Sue Storm Is A Whore
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