RePlay: Oi to the World!
So, yesterday we covered La Bouche, and the voice behind the hits, Melanie Thornton. Well, around that same time period, I was also really into No Doubt. I guess it all came down to local radio: DC had just gotten a pop station with the arrival of Z104, but there were only so many times that Billy Bush could play that Ultimate Dance Party '96 CD without you wanting to go on a killing spree. So, I'd switch over to the late, great WHFS (the good one, where the Spanish station is now) and get my "alternative" fix. Sure, No Doubt eventually made their way to the Z104s of the world, but for this moment in time, "Just A Girl" and the like were still confined to specific genre stations.
Now, I didn't actually discover this song until many years after it came out. In fact, it was during my stint as a retail slave at H&M that I first heard it, as it was part of our "hip" holiday playlist. That playlist was a welcome change, as most of H&M's music choices sounded like the soundtrack to a date rape at someone's loft. Anyway, being all European and whatnot, the company's Christmas music skewed towards the secular, especially when it came to groups with the words "Good" or "Charlotte" in their name. I remember not even really thinking it was a holiday song at first, as it was so...different. You know what first caught my ear? The mention of "nunchucks"! If you hear any reference to nunchucks, and your ears do not perk up, then you cannot call yourself a man. And then I was like, "Oh, shit! Haji just pulled a sword?!" Once you go back and listen to the thing from the beginning, then you realize the ska "Joy To The World" melody, and well as the "If God came down on Christmas day" reference.
I think I also like this song for the same reason that Tony Kanal probably liked it: it wasn't about HIM. By this point, I'm surprised that Tony never stormed off stage with a "God, bitch! Fucking get over yourself!" Anyway, this was originally a song by The Vandals, but they were friendly with No Doubt, which paved this way for this cover. It's not the kind of song that's gonna make you reach for a cup of cocoa and turn on The Grinch, but it does prove that there's no one way to make a holiday song.
RePlay: Santa Packs and the Wonderful Dream
So, the holidays tend to be a sentimental time, with memories triggered by the sights and sounds of the season. Now, I can be a sensitive guy, but I don't really cry at many movies or TV shows. That's why it was surprising to me when I found a lump in my throat from a particular commercial. In recent years, you may have seen this Coke commercial announcing that the "Holidays Are Coming!", but it originally touted the arrival of Coca-Cola's holiday Santa Packs:
I think the aspect that really appeals to me is that it really heralds the approach of the Christmas season, and makes it feel more epic that it already does. My birthday is actually December 23rd, so I always made a big deal counting down to that day and Christmas. To watch the commercial today, it almost seems as if the Coke trucks are the road crew for a big concert or circus coming to town. Sure, Coke got a lot of mileage out of the polar bears, but this was the commercial that I always anticipated. So, you can imagine how surprised I was when I discovered that Melanie Thornton had recorded a full length version of the song in Europe.
No, I know you think you don't know who Melanie Thronton, but trust me - you do. If you've ever hear the chick asking you to be her lover, or droning on about her sweet dreams of rhythm and dancing, then you're already familiar. For most of the '90s, Melanie Thornton was the singer for Eurodance act La Bouche. In 2001, she released her first solo album, which included the song "Wonderful Dream":
While the studio version of the song is a bit more clear, I chose the version above for a particular reason. You see, only a few hours after that very performance, Melanie was killed in a plane crash near Zurich, Switzerland. Tragically, she never lived to release another single from her album, which was ironically titled Ready To Fly.
I was a fool for La Bouche, as I had all the studio AND remix albums. On top of that, I was, and still am, a fool for Christmas. Nowadays, when I hear that song, I still get a little choked up, but for other reasons. With Melanie's passing, the Eurodance world lost an amazing voice, but she chose a magical song on which to go out. So, the "Holidays Are Coming" song still makes me long for Christmas, but I'll always hear a little bit of Melanie in there.
World Wide West
So, I haven't been so great with posting lately, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been online. In fact, I just posted my 10,000th tweet today, so I clearly still have a lot of time on my hands. Even though I haven't had much here recently, I have been showcased in a few other places on the web. Let's take a closer look at some of that:
1) For anyone into the Vice Magazine scene, Street Carnage is the site to visit. A few weeks ago , things got out of hand as @StreetCarnage Twitter followers got into a huge "No Homo" parody game. I assure you that it's not as offensive as it might sound, but I can't even begin to explain it; you'd best click that link to get a better understanding as to where things eventually ended up. In any case, something that started as a way to pass time on a Saturday afternoon ended up with me getting my name on a site that I actually didn't own. Check it out:
As you can see, the whole "experiment" produced a bunch of groaners, but it's still kinda cool that I got acknowledged.
2) A few weeks after that, I found that I got a retweet/reply from @FakeeEtiquette. Again, nothing major, but it's still nice to be retweeted by an entity with more than 9,000 followers. If you have any "aspiring actor" friends, you'll probably relate to this:
3) A few weeks before all of that, I helped kick off my friend Marcus's new internet radio show. I've crossposted some of the stuff I've written for his site (TGRIOnline.com), and this is just another one of his hairbrained schemes to take over the world. In any case, I love anything that gets me more attention, and it was a fun experience. You can listen to that show here.
Also, I don't think he has announced it, but I'm scheduled to be on again tomorrow night, so be sure to tune in!
4) Finally, in my aimless attempt at "brand extension", I've found myself with a Tumblr . Now, some of you might be asking "Why do you need another website?" Others might be asking "What's Tumblr?" Let's answer that last one first: from what I've gathered, it's all the best parts of "New Twitter" without the seizure-inducing interface. You're not hampered by character limits, and you can post pictures, text, videos, audio, etc. It follows that Twitter model, in that you follow folks and they follow you. So, it's just another social networking popularity contest.
So, why did I create one? Well, that's easy: believe it or not, I actually created it for archiving purposes. I'm sure if any of you are aware, but Twitter imposes a limit on the number of older tweets that you can access. As it stands, you can only search your archives up to 3200 tweets. Sure, that may seem like a lot, but seeing as how I just passed 10,000 today, that means that I can no longer access the majority of my tweets. For most people, that's not an issue. They use Twitter as a forum for their stream-of-conscious thoughts. I, however, tend to really use it as a "micro blog". Sure, some of those tweets might be in-the-moment, but I'd really like to remember and review some of them at later dates.
In the past, I had used a website that turned my tweets into a PDF "tweetbook". Unfortunately, that service seems to be down indefinitely. So, in a somewhat desperate move, I created a Tumblr and linked it to my Twitter account. If nothing else, I figured this would serve as a crude, but effective, archive. I actually created this system around Tweet #7,000, at which point I teased that I would be unveiling a new site. Well, after about 2,000 tweets, I decided to check in on my little experiment. And it was a clusterfuck.
Tumblr isn't a live system when it comes to imported content, so all of that is queued. My Tumblr was set to update about once per hour, but all that did was distort the natural chronology of things. Posts were out of sequence, often making no sense. So, I spent a weekend going through and trimming the fat. I disconnected Twitter, as I really didn't need to see all of my @replies scattered any which way. With all of that behind me, I've decided to try to use Tumblr for its true purpose. What that means is that I need followers. If you've got a Tumblr, let me know and I'll follow you. While the #followback mentality on Twitter can lead to ignorant/worthless conversations, Tumblr seems to be 75% porn, so I really don't see how I could go wrong. You'll probably see content on there that I've already tweeted, but that's to be expected. After all, my tagline is "The Place To Be To See All The Great Stuff You've Already Seen Before!" Yeah, it's basically gonna be a "Best of Will's Tweets" site, but it's also going to be where I post photos from now, if only to not have to deal with Plixi servers anymore. I'm sure, over time, I'll figure out what to do with that site. But for now, as Kanye would say, "It's a process."
5 Possible Responses To Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”
1. "Well, I Just Got Cable"
2. "Bitch, I SAID Get Back Here!"
3. "(...Um...) I Love You?"
4. "Health Insurance"
5. "Isn't This YOUR Place?"
Backstreet Boys – Reading Between The Lines
On a recent roadtrip, Lindsay and I decided it would be fun to have a bit of a singalong. Since she had actually seen them in concert back in the day (I'm STILL jealous), I didn't have any qualms putting Backstreet Boys: The Hits - Chapter One in the CD player. For the uninitiated, or for those with "musical taste", Chapter One was essentially the Backstreet Boys' first "greatest hits" album - I say "first", because there's bound to be another, even though they haven't really had a "hit" since the albums covered by this disc. In any case, the odd thing about the collection is that the songs aren't listed in any meaningful order - or are they? Usually, a common approach to these collections is to list the songs chronologically, so that you can hear the evolution of the artist's sound. Here, however, they just jump around between the self-titled debut, Millennium, and Black & Blue. After a while, however, I began to see a narrative taking shape. After a closer listen, I decided to get down to what the collection was really trying to say.
1) I Want It That Way: It's clear why this was the lead track, as this was hands-down their biggest hit. The song, however, makes no sense whatsoever. Sure, you can try to say that you know what it means, but even by pop standards, it makes no sense. This is further exacerbated by the fact that there's a European cut that flips the script on the entire song - instead of "tell me why I never wanna hear you say", it's "tell me why I love it when I hear you say". That version even changes up the lyrics. And no, it's not a remix, as they're both marketed as "I Want It That Way". Talk about a cultural divide! So, bottom line is it's a catchy tune, that heralded the release of their second album, Millennium, which broke the record for most units moved in one day (which was later surpassed by 'NSYNC). Fine choice for #1 on the album.
2) Everybody (Backstreet's Back) [Extended Version]: Again, this placement is a no-brainer. While "I Want It That Way" was their biggest single, "Everybody" is the song that put them on the map. A lot of people don't realize that this track wasn't initially on their debut album. If you were one of the early birds to get the album, the track doesn't exist. The song came out in the spring of '97, as it was the lead single on their second European album, Backstreet's Back. When the single took off, it was added to the later pressings of the US version. Anyway, as a career-making single, it's fine at #2 on the disc.
3) As Long As You Love Me: This is where it gets interesting. By no means is this their next most successful single. Sure, it was popular, along with it's face morph music video, but it wasn't as big as some of the songs that would come on the next album. That's where I start to notice a narrative. You can either decide they're singing to their fans OR to a particular girl. Either way, the result's the same. This is where the begging starts. Desparate to begin this courtship, BSB start pleading their case. They don't care about past transgressions. She could've been a whore, a dancer, or a Mormon - it's all forgiven as long as she loves them. This begging continues for the next four tracks:
4) Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely: Things don't seem to be going so well for BSB. They're feeling a little down in the dumps, but they're not giving up yet. And they're seeing dead people everywhere!
5) Quit Playing Games (With My Heart): Pulling themselves up by the bootstraps, BSB have decided that they've had enough, and they deserve better than what they've been getting. Girl, you'd better figure out if we're gonna do this or not! I'm a MAN!
6) All I Have To Give: Uh-oh, they're begging again. She must've caught them digging through her trash. They're so distraught here that their grammar's all over the place! "Does his gifts come from the heart?" And y'all wonder why she won't return your calls! She was an English major!
7) Larger Than Life: A happier, bombastic tune. Not only do things seem better in the relationship, but it's a thank you song. BSB realize they couldn't have gotten here without her/us. Sure, it's a thank you note to the fans, but it also works in a more intimate context. The video, however, had NOTHING to do with this, preferring 90s production values and creating a dance party on a space station. Sentiment's still there...somewhere.
8 ) I'll Never Break Your Heart: Now that everything's going well, this is the "rose petals leading to the bedroom" song. BSB decided to turn down the lights for something a little romantic. A declarative song, they promise they'll never do any wrong. It's us, together forever baby!
9) The Call: AAANNNNNNDDD they fuck it all up. Apparently, the relationship was going too well, and they got bored. So, they decided to sing an entire song elaborating how they were now cheating. It would've seemed edgy had Usher not cornered the "boastful cad" market prior to the song's release. Nothing indicates the peak of a career more than the moment the artist turns on his fans. Up to this point, BSB had declared their love for each and every young girl in the world. They'd begged and pleaded. Now, they're telling all these girls how they're cheating on them with their cuter, skinnier friend. You know, the one who goes down all the time. But don't worry - they'll be home when they're done. BSB never quite bounced back from that boastful ditty.
10) Shape of My Heart: So, it seems she's given the guys a second chance. After all, it was just that one time, and his phone really was dropping out - the battery was low! So now they're back to begging. They're apologizing without going into detail about what it is they did. It's like a Hollywood press conference: "Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I played my part - kept you in the dark. Now, let me show you the shape of my heart." Can't you just see someone reading that, as Gloria Allred stands next to them?
11) The One: Now that the scandal has settled down, they're back to making promises. Basically, they're reiterating everything said in "I'll Never Break Your Heart", but to a peppier beat. If they were married, this is the part where they'd start talking about having another baby, 'cause that'll solve alllllll their problems...
12) More Than That: A reiteration of promises. This is the kind of sentiment that follows her catching them looking at the babysitter the wrong way:
"Do you think she's prettier than me?!! I see how you look at her!"
"No, baby! Who wants to be around pert breasts and a youthful outlook? Surely, you jest!"
13) Drowning: So, how does this tale end? Well, we don't know. Instead of resolving the narrative, the album ends with "Drowning". The trick to this song is that it's really just BSB saying "Who do those O-Town kids think they are? Let's show 'em how it's done". From a music theory perspective, Drowning is really just another interpretation of O-Town's "All Or Nothing", complete with the same piano intro. They're really earnest about it, so as to keep us from realizing it's the same song, but I know better!
So, I guess if you want to know whatever happened to this storied relationship, you'd have to buy their more recent albums. Yeah, I knew you didn't care that much. You really should buy 'em, just to help Nick Carter buy a new trailer.
Why Do You All Hate This Boy?
Seriously, I don't really understand what has become of humanity. In a world where there are natural disasters, Wall Street corruption, and Sarah Palin to worry about, why are people directing their anger at this child? Unless you've been living under a rock for the past year, then you're already familiar with Justin Bieber. He's the pop star du jour, adored by teenage girls from coast to coast. Like many North American heartthrobs, he's a cute blond kid, with a slightly prepubescent voice. For some reason, though, he has become quite the hate magnet. People love to hate this kid! Why? I think it says a lot about our society when people just full on hate someone/thing, even though they really have nothing at stake in the matter.
When we were in middle school, it was the "masculine" thing to hate on a pop star. "Eww, the New Kids are gay!" Yes, this was an ignorant and homophobic time, but you grew up, learned the error of your ways, and laughed whenever you saw that same band on I Love the 90s. Today, however, it's an older crowd getting in on all the ridicule. I don't feel that Bieber is so pervasive that he interrupts the flow of your daily life. I haven't heard him on the radio in months. Sure, I see his face on magazines in the store, but I also see Angelina Jolie equally as much. Why doesn't someone tell her to stop adopting babies, so Mila Kunis can have a shot at a magazine cover?
Can someone over the age of 21 honestly tell me what their beef is with Justin Bieber? Seriously, don't you have better shit to do with your life? Don't you have a job and bills to pay? He's a kid. Sure, he's beloved by millions, and he's worth more than you, but he's a kid. Yes, his voice is shrill, but it's changing. For all of his perceived "faults", you still can't justify your irrational hatred of him. Plainly put, you're a hater. Just own up to it, rather than waste the time to unravel the mystery of his celebrity. Teen Heartthrobs aren't supposed to make sense. They aren't. There are few requirements: cute, no aversion to attending Teen Choice Awards, and did I mention "cute"? That's it. If you're an adult, you're already out of your wheelhouse, as he's not for you. Teen Heartthrobs prey on the irrational hormones of teenage girls. If you're a grown man or woman, weighing in on how you feel about something made for children, you might as well go off and "spread democracy" in some 3rd world country, since you know everything.
How old are you? 30, you say? How about I call your parents, and ask them about those phone bills when you kept calling the Coreys on that hotline? You forgot about that dumb shit, didn't you? But we let you off the hook, 'cause you were young. At least "Beliebers" have the internet, so their shit is free. You kept Ma & Pa Bell in business with your shenanigans! Sure, grown ups probably thought there was something wrong with you, but they remembered what it was like to fawn over Frankie Avalon or whatever. They had bigger shit to worry about, like The Cold War and New Coke, than to weigh in on how much of a waste of space Corey Feldman may have been.
Sure, you see Bieber's name a LOT. You also see his picture a LOT. As far as music goes, you kinda have to work to hear a Justin Bieber song. They're not played in every gas station or Dennys. If you hear a Bieber song, you're either in Claires or you're listening to pop radio. If you're so anti-Bieber, you had no business doing either of those things.
Anti-Bieber Fever seems to have even spread to corporate levels, as demonstrated by Twitter's recent changes to their Trending Topic algorithm. Say what you will, at the end of the day, it was an anti-Bieber initiative. People had complained that they were tired of seeing him trending all the time. If that's what people were tweeting about MOST, why shouldn't it trend? I'm tired of hearing about the various wars we're fighting, but I can't complain to NBC and ask them to shift shit around so we only get news about anything other than the wars. Sure, Twitter gave some PR response about how and why the change took place, but now we're left with runner-up Trending Topics, which are usually about some obscure Korean boyband and their new song "Jelly Rainbow Overdrive (Love Stars)" or something.
Nobody hates Hanna Montana this much, and the same people would say that she "sucks". Is Disney protecting her? Just from a purely business standpoint, this is a kid who built his way up from YouTube, sparking a bidding war between Usher and Justin Timberlake. It's a technological Horatio Alger story! Those are two guys who know something about the music business, so they must see something in him. Had he been some kind of money grab promoted by Joe Francis, I'd probably be on the side of the haters. That's just not a union that I would be able to get behind - like if Chris Brown opened a Pilates studio.
Is it his look that bothers you? It's not all that uncommon these days, but I still encounter people who can't stand his look. Well, he looks just like that lesbian barista at that fair trade coffee place you pretend to like. So, maybe you should stop boycotting Target and take some time to deal with your issues.
Something odd has happened with this generation, where passion has paved the way to elitism. In music criticism, as well as that of comics and movies, no one is willing to agree to disagree anymore. You can't have an intelligent exchange with anyone who disagrees with you - it quickly descends into who can say "that sucks! You have no taste" first. This is bad enough with the layperson - spurred along by gamer culture and the prevalence of high-speed internet. It gets FAR worse with the opinionated, self-proclaimed "expert", spouting, "I am right and you are wrong. And dumb. And shouldn't be allowed to breed." I've seen this shit happen! Life's too short, and there's too much to really worry about, than to devote the amount of time and hatred that many do toward Justin Bieber and the like. A lot of this is coming from the "cultural elite", but why is their shit protected while everyone else is fair game? How'd you like it if I started raging on how fat Hurley was on Lost? Motherfucker was on that island for how long, and never lost a pound. "But he was hoarding food..." FUCK YOU! I'm shitting in your sandbox now, and you don't like it, do you?
So, before everyone starts running their mouths about who does and doesn't have talent, as well as what is and isn't culturally worthwhile, why don't you take a minute to process all the bullshit that you've been involved with that didn't hold much water? Leave Justin alone. He's not for you. That's fine. Just be classy about it. You're an adult, so act like one.
P.S. Stop getting high and watching Spongebob. That shit's played out.
RePlay: Natural – Keep It Natural
When last we met, I covered Solid Harmonie and their place in the long line of forgotten groups from Trans Continental Records. For every 'NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, and Jordan Knight, there was C-Note, The Lyte Funky Ones (LFO), and Natural. Well, this week, I want to talk about that last group, Natural.
When it came to bubblegum pop, one of the biggest gripes from the "music snob community" was that the artists didn't play their own instruments. As far as boybands went, Lou Pearlman had already delivered the harmony group (BSB), the dance group ('NSYNC), and he decided to finally give the critics what they felt had been lacking: a boyband where the members played their own instruments. Since their acoustic foundation would give them a more "natural" sound, that became their group name.
Natural came about after Lou's boyband empire had peaked, post-BSB/'NSYNC lawsuits, and right around the time of O-Town. There are conflicting reports as to how the group actually got together, but the main point is that Lou did what he did with most of his boybands: he sent them off to Germany for grooming. When you get down to their look, they were just like every other boyband: there was the blond, sensitive one; the edgy one, with the spiky hair; the one who's your mom's favorite, etc. The gimmick, of course, was that they were a band made of boys, but not a boyband. To break it down, they acted as if the music came first, while avoiding some of the common tropes of that era's boyband, such as smooth dance moves. In execution, the music came off as "BBMak, by way of California Dreams". It's very reminiscent of Guys Next Door (am I the only one who remembers that old NBC show?).There's definitely a camp factor, as the songs are cheesier than Velveeta, but they're damn catchy! It was a different sound, as this period was still dominated by the sound of Max Martin, and the rest of the guys are Cheiron Studios. While there were cutsey pop acts of the time who depended on a more acoustic sound (The Moffats, the afore-mentioned BBMak), most of those groups failed to really make a dent in the landscape. Trying something different may have been the wrong call for Natural.
Keep It Natural, like so many other lost Trans Con albums, was released in Germany. Here's the video for their first single, "Put Your Arms Around Me". Hey, remember the days when every TV show/movie ripped off The Matrix, even in cases where it didn't fit? Wait for it...
Bet they're wishing they hadn't taken the red pill...
In the US, the single was released as a promo in Claires stores, yet wasn't universally released until the exclusivity window closed, resulting in Natural not getting much airplay outside of Orlando.
Musically, Natural weren't "bad", per se - especially in the pop climate of the time. It just seemed that they were being molded, visually, into something that they were not. The next single, "Will It Ever", wouldn't have been out of place on Backstreet Boys' Millennium album. You'll notice, however, the addition of another forced dance break. The cut scenes and wacky angles are meant to mask the fact they they are not 'NSYNC 2: Electric Boogaloo.
This video is a crane shotstravaganza! With a hint of Liquid Dreams...
One of the final singles from their debut was "Let Me Count The Ways", which ended up as their highest charting German single (#11). Again, this is a pretty catchy song, but it's not the kind of thing being delivered by their labelmates in the States. I will admit, though, that this video may have hurt them. I know Europe is a bit more liberal with things, but what is she, like, 14? These boys are so lucky they were out in a pre-Chris Hansen world...
We were just gonna watch some movies and hang out. Well, yeah, I brought beer...
Natural went on to release another album, It's Only Natural, before parting ways with Lou. That's when things really got ugly. Lou tried to keep the "Natural" name, as he was going to replace the guys who had broken his boyband rules (no facial hair, no girlfriends, etc). Meanwhile, the guys tried to rebrand themselves as more of a rock group, but nothing came from it. Neither album was released in the US, and Natural's only real impact on North America was that their 2 lead singers provided the singing voices for Bart & Millhouse in the boyband episode of The Simpsons.
At the end of the day, Keep It Natural is a really enjoyable pop album. It's not representative of the "2000 Boyband Sound", and that may have been a blessing and a curse. It set Natural apart from the countless other boybands, but it simply wasn't what the audience wanted at the time. I always feel I have to reiterate that the reason I do this column isn't as a "This Is A Thing That Exists" piece, but rather it's an attempt to show value in something that may have originally been overlooked. This music isn't going to change the world, and it's not groundbreaking. At the same time, it also doesn't require you to follow a tweets for hidden meaning, nor does it force you to wonder if the guys eat truffle fries. It's good old fashioned "Hey, 'phone' rhymes with 'alone'" pop. It's catchy and it's fun - definitely earworm material. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, and pop is just pop. I, for one, don't see anything wrong with that.
RePlay: Solid HarmoniE (S/T)
In this installment, I bring you the self-titled debut (and only) album from Solid HarmoniE. Aww, look how cute it is that they misspell it as "HarmoniE" - that's so the capital letters spell out "SHE". Yup, this group's all about women's empowerment, or as empowering as you can be while doing flips in a sports bra and track pants. Before we get to that, let's rewind a bit. You see, Lou Pearlman's Transcontinental Records wasn't ALL boybands. Lou wanted to conquer all corners of pop, and he had an assembly line in place to do just that. Former NKOTB manager Johnny Wright handled the boybands, while his wife, Donna, handled the female groups. Of those female groups, only two were notable: Innosense, due to the fact that Britney Spears was briefly a member prior to going solo, and Solid HarmoniE.
Solid HarmoniE was a four-woman pop group, with most of its members hailing from the UK. They followed the Lou Pearlman Model, which meant going over to Germany to gain an audience before being unleashed upon other countries (he had previously done this with Backstreet Boys,*NSYNC, and would later do it with Natural) . This album comes from that stint in Germany. Despite being teased on a Jive Records VHS sampler from '98, the album never got its US release.
As far as sound goes, Solid HarmoniE is pretty representative of the bubblegum era, yet it brings something new to the table, as there wasn't a defined "FEMALE bubblegum sound" at the time. So, this allowed them a lot of wiggle room, as far as genre was concerned. At its core, Solid HarmoniE is a fusion of Wilson Philips harmonies, combined with that last drop of Girl Power the group managed to suckle from the spent teats of the Spice Girls. It also doesn't hurt that they worked with the producer who helped define the 90s bubblegum sound, Max Martin. As a result, this album is chock FULL of hits, all of which you've heard before, but with different lyrics. I was going to post the video for their first single, "I'll Be There For You", as it's built over the chord progression of one of my favorite pop songs of all time, "Tearin' Up My Heart". Unfortunately, the video's a piece of shit, even by 90's standards, filled with the aforementioned track pants and...is that a crystal ball? So, here's one of their better songs, "I Want You To Want Me":
My favorite was the one who looked like she probably worked the front desk at the nail place. Yeah, the thick one.
The Wilson Philips influence comes through on "I Wanna Love You":
Hey, Look! Production Values!
After failing to break out internationally, the group broke up around '99, with its members scattered across other soon-to-fail girl groups. Seriously, the bubblegum era was not a good time for girl groups; that fan base LOVED seeing 5 cute guys dancing, but they didn't give a shit about the girlband equivalent (see: SheMoves, Wild Orchid, Innosense; exception: B*Witched). If you wanna learn more about SHE, well,good luck -there are only about 2 websites dedicated to them on the entire internet. I mean, I had to knife a hobo and solve a riddle before I could track this thing down. As a collector of all things 90's-Era Max Martin, I have to say that it was totally worth it. At the end of the day, I still don't understand what caused the Powers That Be to pull the plug on the US release. I mean, in a world that tolerates the Pussycat Dolls, there's sure as Hell a place for Solid HarmoniE.
Oh, what the Hell...
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All Up In Pandora’s Box
So, it may come as a surprise that I'm no fan of the convenience of technology. Sure, I love my twitter and my facebook, but I don't use technology for anything practical. Paying bills? Hand me my checkbook. Yeah, I blog, but I'd rather write a letter and send it to all of you if I could. I'm an old soul. That's just how I roll. One convenience I'm just now giving in to is Pandora. I'm the guy who'd lug his CDs from place to place, but that got cumbersome once I passed CD #500. Sure, there's the radio, but there are only so many times one can listen to "California Gurls" before they want to kill Katy Perry for melting all the popsicles. So, with that in mind, and a laptop at my disposal, I ventured into the world of Pandora.
First impression? I am SO proud of my Shiny Toy Guns station and it's not like I really had anything to do with it. I mean, I chose a band, and Skynet did the rest. That said, it really does evoke a mood. If I could rename it, it would be my "Trying to Seduce That Hot Artsy Barista" station. Remember Shannyn Sossamon in 40 Days and 40 Nights?
Yeah, this shit's for her. Sneaker Pimps, Massive Attack, Zero 7, Imogen Heap. Seriously, this is everything that quirky chick would love to hear. They even threw in some Simon & Garfunkel, to remind her of the good times she had with her dad growing up - ya know, before he hit the point where he "just doesn't understand anymore!"
Sure, she's not gonna end up being The One, but you'll have a really torrid and emotional relationship that'll define your mid 20s and maybe fuck you up for the rest of your life. Breathe it all in, my friend - once that chick moves away to art school/leaves you for her psych professor, you're never gonna want to hear Sia again. That's when this becomes the "That Fucking Bitch (Please Come Back - I'll Change!) Station". Or so I've been told. Stop looking at me like that!
To Be Continued...
The Hits From Toast to Toast AKA “Get Off That Table, Becky!”
Walk into an average DJ'd bar on a weekend night (for you local folks, I'm talking Union Jacks, Blackfinn, the late, great Lulu's, etc.), and you're bound to have your ears assaulted by certain songs. Have you ever wondered why every bar plays the same songs? Well, the bars I mentioned are pretty much "white bars", and I've come to notice that drunk white kids LOVE these songs. I thought I'd try to figure exactly what it is about these songs that appeals to the young, drunk, Caucasian masses. These are presented in no particular order, as popularity is relative, based on quality of the night, amount of alcohol, as well as environment. So, let's see here...
Friends In Low Places - This Garth Brooks classic is a karaoke staple, but it's the non-country fan's country song. It embodies everything everyone thinks about country music (drawl, unrequited love), but it's also got edgy, angsty leanings. It's about not fitting in, and feeling like an outsider. Shit, this thing could've been recorded by Foo Fighters or Death Cab. A lot of insecure wallflowers can relate to this song at the beginning of the night. It's a song about shady people. Everyone singing along is in one of 2 camps: they've got a shady friend, or they are the shady friend. The drunker Cody gets, he moves from the former to the latter. That said, the presence of alcohol just ensures that he's not alone in this transmogrification.
Sweet Caroline - This is another drunken singalong staple, especially due to its use during the 7th Inning Stretch. Nothing brings a room together like a unison "bum-bum-bummm!" - or, the regional "fuck-ing-slut!"- that follows the titular refrain. This drunken solidarity turns a room full of dudes into a room full of bros.
Gold Digger - White people LOVE this song! Why? 'Cause it let's 'em say "nigger" (unless the pussy DJ is playing the radio edit). Any black person who's made it to college - the time of life when levels of bravado and available alcohol run highest - has dealt with the "but it's in the song!" argument that Chad throws down when he sees you glaring.
Another reason the song resonates with white people can be boiled down to one simple line: "we want prenup!". You see, white people are the only ones who understand the importance of said document. Black people don't have prenups, unless they're athletes - in which case they're married to white women. Otherwise, your average black man doesn't have anything your average black woman would even want in the event of a divorce!
Also, what does the song's protagonist end up doing? "He leave yo' ass for a white girl!" It's a line that's met with sneers in the black club, but is met with Woo Girl cheers in your white bar. Every Molly, Abby and Katie will make herself known at this point! Black guys, this is also a good time to scan the crowd to find the girls who might be down. You know what I'm talkin' about...
As the night rolls on, and everybody's loosening up, we move to the 80's trifecta:
Livin' On A Prayer - Drunk white kids sing this thing like it's their national anthem. They forget their trust funds and kickball leagues, and sing as if Johnny and Tina were their hardworking, blue collar parents. Despite all this passion, it's all gonna fall apart at the key change. It always does...
Your Love - This is the point in the night when Cody decides that he doesn't want to go home alone. He's had just enough Yuengling to start making eyes at the hot chick at the bar. He makes a point to really eye fuck her once the "I just wanna use your love...tonight" part hits. Unfortunately, Becky's not on board, and rolls her eyes as she disappears into the crowd to find her friends. This lines up perfectly with the next song:
Don't Stop Believin' - Nothing filled white people with so much hope until Barack Obama came along. It's a song that says to Cody, "Don't worry, there are other fish in the sea!" The guitar solo alone is enough to make a man forget his troubles, and trust me - he WILL engage in air guitar!
Just as Cody starts to cheer up, and get back on that horse, Closing Time kicks on and the lights go up. Sure, tonight was a bust, but there's always next weekend - same bar, same songs...
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
From The Vault
- The Biggest Loser & How Do I Look?: The Wedding Edition
- High School Musical Is Gonna Save Pop Music
- I Already Forgot What I Was Trying To Do Here
- H&M Shout-Outs
- Boobygate's Effect On Dating Shows
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