19th Jun2010

The Hits From Toast to Toast AKA “Get Off That Table, Becky!”

by Will

Tara Reid

Walk into an average DJ’d bar on a weekend night (for you local folks, I’m talking Union Jacks, Blackfinn, the late, great Lulu’s, etc.), and you’re bound to have your ears assaulted by certain songs. Have you ever wondered why every bar plays the same songs? Well, the bars I mentioned are pretty much “white bars”, and I’ve come to notice that drunk white kids LOVE these songs. I thought I’d try to figure exactly what it is about these songs that appeals to the young, drunk, Caucasian masses. These are presented in no particular order, as popularity is relative, based on quality of the night, amount of alcohol, as well as environment. So, let’s see here…

Friends In Low Places – This Garth Brooks classic is a karaoke staple, but it’s the non-country fan’s country song. It embodies everything everyone thinks about country music (drawl, unrequited love), but it’s also got edgy, angsty leanings. It’s about not fitting in, and feeling like an outsider. Shit, this thing could’ve been recorded by Foo Fighters or Death Cab. A lot of insecure wallflowers can relate to this song at the beginning of the night. It’s a song about shady people. Everyone singing along is in one of 2 camps: they’ve got a shady friend, or they are the shady friend. The drunker Cody gets, he moves from the former to the latter. That said, the presence of alcohol just ensures that he’s not alone in this transmogrification.

Sweet Caroline – This is another drunken singalong staple, especially due to its use during the 7th Inning Stretch. Nothing brings a room together like a unison “bum-bum-bummm!” – or, the regional “fuck-ing-slut!”- that follows the titular refrain. This drunken solidarity turns a room full of dudes into a room full of bros.

Gold Digger – White people LOVE this song! Why? ‘Cause it let’s ‘em say “nigger” (unless the pussy DJ is playing the radio edit). Any black person who’s made it to college – the time of life when levels of bravado and available alcohol run highest – has dealt with the “but it’s in the song!” argument that Chad throws down when he sees you glaring.

Another reason the song resonates with white people can be boiled down to one simple line: “we want prenup!”. You see, white people are the only ones who understand the importance of said document. Black people don’t have prenups, unless they’re athletes – in which case they’re married to white women. Otherwise, your average black man doesn’t have anything your average black woman would even want in the event of a divorce!

Also, what does the song’s protagonist end up doing? “He leave yo’ ass for a white girl!” It’s a line that’s met with sneers in the black club, but is met with Woo Girl cheers in your white bar. Every Molly, Abby and Katie will make herself known at this point! Black guys, this is also a good time to scan the crowd to find the girls who might be down. You know what I’m talkin’ about…

As the night rolls on, and everybody’s loosening up, we move to the 80′s trifecta:

Livin’ On A Prayer – Drunk white kids sing this thing like it’s their national anthem. They forget their trust funds and kickball leagues, and sing as if Johnny and Tina were their hardworking, blue collar parents. Despite all this passion, it’s all gonna fall apart at the key change. It always does…

Your Love – This is the point in the night when Cody decides that he doesn’t want to go home alone. He’s had just enough Yuengling to start making eyes at the hot chick at the bar. He makes a point to really eye fuck her once the “I just wanna use your love…tonight” part hits. Unfortunately, Becky’s not on board, and rolls her eyes as she disappears into the crowd to find her friends. This lines up perfectly with the next song:

Don’t Stop Believin’ – Nothing filled white people with so much hope until Barack Obama came along. It’s a song that says to Cody, “Don’t worry, there are other fish in the sea!” The guitar solo alone is enough to make a man forget his troubles, and trust me – he WILL engage in air guitar!

Just as Cody starts to cheer up, and get back on that horse, Closing Time kicks on and the lights go up. Sure, tonight was a bust, but there’s always next weekend – same bar, same songs…

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27th Feb2010

iGod On Shuffle – Further Musings On The Pop Sensibilities of Contemporary Christian Music

by Will

One week – that’s all it took for me to learn all the words to the top songs on Christian radio. Since I wrote that post last week, my car radio dial hasn’t moved from the Christian station. I mean, I thought about changing it, but its pull was just too strong. It’s all SO catchy! There was one song, in particular, that kept me around.

If you remember, last week I prophesied the day that Ryan Tedder discovers Christian music. Well, the song has been written. While Tedder was actually nowhere near the song, it’s clear that somebody deciphered his songwriting code. If you heard it, you’d ask, “Hey, isn’t this OneRepublic song?” The latest single from tobyMac, I give you “City On Our Knees”:

Again, it’s a good example of a song where you wouldn’t catch the meaning from a casual listen. I’ve gotta say, though, I LOVE this song! In fact, it sounds a lot like “Say (All I Need)” from OneRepublic’s debut, Dreaming Out Loud.

Anyway, it’s a song like this that makes me want to try my hand at recording again. I’ve mentioned the a cappella, but even before that, I had dreams of making it in pop. More precisely, I wanted to be the first black guy in a boyband (pop historians will note that we weren’t introduced to the black boyband member until 5ive, and later O-Town, and they were both halfies). To me, the most important part of the plan was figuring out how to gain access to the industry.

Growing up, my church always tried to get me to join their choir. That said, my church was a bit of a white, right-wing nuthouse, so I wasn’t really game. I wasn’t really looking for a gospel experience, but I just didn’t feel like this was the singing experience for me. I always had one singing church friend, though: Angie.

Angie was a sweet girl with a great voice. She’d sing solos, and since she knew I sang, she’d always say that we needed to sing together. 20 something years later, and that duet has yet to take place. In any case, we used to talk about “pulling an Amy Grant”, where we’d become Christian artists, win a couple of Dove Awards (Christian Grammys) to build a reputation, and then crossover to mainstream pop. After all, it seemed like anybody could win a Dove Award! Like I said, though – the duet never happened, so the dream never happened. I dunno, but I don’t think the Jerry Falwell crowd would have gravitated toward an interracial Christian duo. I guess we’ll never know.

Anyway, before I go, I wanted to leave you with one more song. I know people have been up in arms about the new version of “We Are The World”; if you can believe it, I still haven’t heard it yet. In any case, the Christian music community also put together a really good benefit song, entitled “Come Together Now”. It’s no original “We Are The World”, but it might just be good enough to take the bad taste out of your mouth left by the new version.

*Credit Roll*

Where Are They Now?

Will went on to college, where he sang in glee club and a cappella. While, he was Big Man On Campus for a bit, he’s now bitter and unemployed.

Angie went on to marry a con artist. No, really. In the tradition of the church, the reception contained no dancing. Yup, she got married in Footloose. Her con artist husband is currently on the lam.

Neither of them won that Dove award.

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18th Feb2010

Jesus On Repeat: Musings On The Pop Sensibilities of Contemporary Christian Music

by Will

I know this is probably gonna get me some flack, this being a “cool kids site” and all, but I’ve got to ask: Have you let Jesus into your heart? Better yet, have you let Jesus into your iPod?

Allow me to explain. As I’ve said in past posts, I am a lover of melodies. Lyrics don’t mean much to me, but melodies really drive it home (considering this site focuses mainly on club music and Lady Gaga lyrics, I get the impression that I’m not the only one shunning the “importance” of words). It was long ago that I realized the best melodies come from the world of contemporary Christian music. I already think that Ryan Tedder knows his way around a good melody, regardless of what people think of his songwriting or OneRepublic. That said, if Ryan Tedder worked in the world of Christian pop, Earth would explode. We just wouldn’t be ready. All those Left Behind books? They are about the day Tedder works with Amy Grant and tobyMac. Since Lent is the season of sacrifice, let me tell you about the time I gave up secular music and discovered the melodic world of “family friendly, family first” music.

Back in my halcyon days at Cornell, I was entrenched in the world of a cappella. Since it was a rather small community, it tended to be the source of most friendships and romantic couplings. Around my sophomore year, a nice girl in one of the female groups caught my eye. She was cute, and sweet, and the kind of girl that might bake you pies if you lived in some backwoods, bumblefuck town near a “crick”. For the sake of protecting identities (and the fact that she just got married, so I don’t want her husband coming to kick my ass), let’s call her “Wendy”.

Anyway, Wendy was a nice girl, but she wasn’t into all the cool, fun things college kids like to do. Sure, she might drink some beer after the arch sing, or swear and quickly cover her mouth, but Wendy liked to spend her free time in other pursuits. In fact, outside of singing, her main social outlet was Campus Crusade for Christ. Now, I grew up in a pretty fire & brimstone church. I’d heard it all, but I never really went to any of the group stuff. I’d gone to an event in the past, where one of the kids told a story about his brother in the Army. Apparently, Army Bro had found out one of the guys in his barracks was gay, and everyone proceeded to beat up the guy with soap-filled pillow cases. As the van cheered in approval, I realized these weren’t my kinda folks! Having come from this background, the last thing I wanted was a “Christian community”. As far as I was concerned, JC and I had a good thing going on our own. Needless to say, Wendy wasn’t having it.

She tried and tried to get me to go to CCC, and I think I went once. That was enough. Afterward, I tried to convince her that I could deal with The World and all its evil on my own. For some reason, I decided that music would be the first target. Now, I’m not quite sure how I thought I could just get rid of secular music, as I was in a group that did nothing but U2 and Erasure songs. That said, I thought of singing as a “job”, while I was burning CD-R’s (remember those?) left and right, filled with dc Talk and Mark Schultz.

The transition was a bit hard at first. After all, this was the height of the boyband craze, and I’m only human. I mean, shit – “Bye Bye Bye” had just come out! “BYE BYE BYE”! The song where even the hardest motherfucker was like, “A’ight, that chorus is kinda catchy.” Despite all this, I still managed to find some nice, spiritual music. When I do something, I tend to get a bit fanatical, so I was even drawing little crosses and stuff on the discs with Sharpies.

Needless to say, the whole Wendy thing didn’t last too long. Turns out she’d never even been kissed, and I suddenly felt dirty. I didn’t want to be some 18 year old’s first kiss. I just didn’t. Plus, as much as I was digging Amy Grant’s non-”Baby Baby” work, I still had a need for some “Oops, I Did It Again”. That said, the one thing that I took away from the experience was a new found appreciation for Christian music. Not being a lyrics guy certainly helped matters, but I’ve got to be honest: a lot of the music isn’t as preachy as you might think. Hell, City High’s “What Would You Do?” hits you over the head with more of a hammer than some of the stuff you might hear on Christian radio. When I was in elementary school, a guy named Paul Hill came to my school and taught us songs like “Awesome God”. That was almost 20 years ago, but I’ve never forgotten it. In fact, when I first heard T.I.’s “What You Know”, I thought to myself, “Hey, this background sounds kinda familiar!” (It wasn’t an official sample, however). I learned that a great melody makes for an excellent vehicle for a message. It’s simple propaganda, but you can tap your foot to it. Now that we’ve come to the end, and to keep my girlfriend from kirking out that I just wrote about another girl, I thought I’d leave you with a sampling of the music that just kinda sneaks Jesus up on ya:

Mark Schultz – “He’s My Son”: It’s essentially about a man, praying to God to save his sick son. Outside of one “God” reference, this could be sung by Leona Lewis in some Hollywood tearjerker, and you’d never know it’s true intention.

tobyMac – “Lose My Soul”: Former member of Christian hitmakers dc Talk, tobyMac brings us a song about struggling not to lose yourself in this crazy world. It’s even got a cameo by Kirk Franklin – he was addicted to porn, so he’s just like us! With a couple of Clear Channel edits, this song could fit into any commercial free spin in place of BEP’s “Where Is The Love?”

Francesca Battistelli – “I’m Letting Go”: Do ya like Sara Bareilles? If so, you’ll love this! Plainly put, it’s about a woman who hs decided to “let go, and let God”, yet she doesn’t say it in so many words. Again, it’s the kind of song you’d hear on Hot 99.5 after some Jason Mraz song, and you’d never even know what it was really about until you gave it a bit more thought.

So, I hope I’ve been successful in showing you that there can be enjoyable songs in the places you’d least expect. Not a sermon, just a thought. I really hope Lon Solomon doesn’t try to sue me for that…

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08th Dec2009

All I Want For Christmas Is A New Christmas Song…And An End To Jason Derulo

by Will

“And there ain’t no nothin’ we can’t love each other through”

(The following is a post that I wrote for TGRIOnline.com, my friend, Marcus’s culture blog)

Christmas songs. I know this is a bit of a hipster blog, so y’all might not be into the Christmas thing so much, but it’s hard to ignore at this time of year. There’s a constant race to see which radio station flips to the all-Christmas format first. Locally, that honor always goes to 97.1 WASH. They used to wait until the day after Thanksgiving, but it has gotten earlier and earlier in recent years. This year, WASH flipped formats on November 20th. At this rate, they’ll be flipping the day after Halloween by 2015 (that is, if the Mayan Armageddon doesn’t get us first).

When it comes to Christmas songs, I’m always surprised by how hard it is for new songs to gain acceptance. Sure, if you write a song about trees and family and snow, you can pretty much call it a “Christmas song”, but the public isn’t going to necessarily accept it. When you really break it down, there are really only about 25 different Christmas songs. The boyband du jour or some New Age artist might try to introduce something new, but when it comes down to it, people only want to hear those 25 prime songs (No, I’m not going to list them – you know the ones), which have been recorded and re-recorded by every artist under the sun. They’re mainly broken down into 2 categories: The Jesus Saga (Oh Holy Night, Silent Night, etc) and Secular Funnies (Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer, The 12 Days of Christmas, etc). That first category is pretty locked up – there are no more angles of The Jesus Saga left to explore, unless someone comes up with a song about aliens who watched the whole thing unfold. Even then, I think the Bible Belt would put that into the Secular Funnies category. If you want to break into the Christmas music scene, Secular Funnies is the category to aim for. The most recent Christmas song to really have any staying power is Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, and that was in 1994. Do you realize how long ago that was? That was like 4 Cher Farewell Tours ago! THAT’s how hard it is to make your dent on the holiday season.

I tend to have a love/hate relationship with Christmas songs. You see, growing up, I used to LOVE the season. My birthday is December 23rd, which was just far enough away from the 25th that I didn’t necessarily suffer from the 1-gift-for-2-occasions screwjob. I always considered my birthday to be the “day that we celebrated the magical birth of the baby Will”. And then, 2 days later, Jesus got his day, which also meant presents for the aforementioned Will. I milked that Santa train WAY longer than a sane person should, but my family thought it was cute, and it ensured maximum giftage. So, considering I felt the entire season was my own personal holiday, the soundtrack of carols and songs really contributed to the mood of things. Then, college happened.

In college, I was not what you might call a “model student”. Whenever people ask what I studied, I sometimes answer “I majored in a cappella”. That was what made me feel popular, and that’s where I had most of my friendships. So, I didn’t do the class/homework thing so well. I usually coasted along through a semester, and then not failing the class would hinge upon me not failing the final. I went to a competitive-ass school, so it’s not like there was a studying montage, and all of a sudden I had an A in the class. I usually gave up sleep, bathing, and my sanity for the better part of 2 weeks. I experienced stress I’d never felt before, because my entire future was hinging on this degree. How was I gonna be “not like all the others” if I didn’t graduate?! What would I do?!!! One year, I even pulled an all-weeker – I believe that we’re all given a set amount of all-nighters that we can endure in a lifetime, and I used up the balance of mine during a finals week. When the nosebleeds started for no reason, I knew that it was “Houston, we have a problem” time.


Anyway, throughout all of this uncivilized behavior, my soundtrack was Christmas music. I was trying to remind myself of the good aspects of the season, and all of the things I would experience after the finals, once I got back to Maryland. That stopped really working around Junior year. Then, a strange, Pavlovian thing took place – instead of helping me forget about the stress, the songs became synonymous with it. Now, when I hear those songs, it all comes rushing back. “Oh Holy Night” – walking home from the library, through the snow, at 1 AM. “The Grinch” – somehow tanking that Human Sexuality final (don’t worry, ladies – everything’s in order now *wink*). “Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer” – those aforementioned nosebleeds.

This is why I’m so interested in Christmas songs. I NEED new Christmas songs! Those old ones are tainted as Hell. I need something to come and take the pain away. I can’t keep reliving that trauma every damn year for the rest of my life. The only thing that saved that Mariah Carey song is that I love the shit out of Love Actually. So, I’m appealing to you, the hipster crowd, to save my life and record a Christmas song! That’s what was missing on Wale’s album: It could’ve been called “Under The Tree in the DMV”. Somebody get his people on the phone for me!

I ran long this time around, so I’ve only got one pop thing on my mind at the moment: Jason Derulo’s “Whatcha Say”. First of all, I fucking HATE how he just liberally samples Imogen Heap’s “Hide & Seek”. It’s so much of a sample, that he might as well have released it as “Jason DeRulo, feat Imogen Heap”. The main thing that gets me, though, are the lyrics. Yeah, I know in the past that I said I wasn’t a lyrics guy, but these just hit me over the head with a club. So, let me get this straight: he cheated on his girl, and now he’s apologizing, and promising her that he’ll take care of her when his career blows up. REALLY?


Dear Mystery Girl In The Song (and for you teenyboppers listening):
DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Right now, he’s a nobody and he cheated on you. You know who it was? It was that bitch, Sharonda, who works at the CVS on Saturdays. You know, the one who’s always chewing the gum! You knew she was acting like a bitch when you went in there for your relaxer. That bitch is fucking yo’ man! But get this, that mu’fucka’s only sorry he got caught. You really think he’s gonna take care of you when he becomes a star? Do you realize what kinda pussy he’s gonna be able to get THEN? Run, gurl! I don’t think you got nothin’ to worry about, though, ’cause that nigga can’t even write a whole song of his own. You do you, gurl!

Peace, Love, and String Cheese,
Will

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01st Dec2009

Timbaland Presents Shock Value II – A Review

by Will

I’m not really an album review guy, but I needed something to do while waiting for my Farmville crops to grow. I found Timbaland Presents Shock Value II a few days ago, before it started hitting the main sites. I realized no one had reviewed it yet, so I saw it as my chance to be a web pioneer. Then, I lost internet service for one night, and I lost my lead in the race. In any case, by now, you’ve probably downloaded the album yourself, so I invite you to play along with the home version of our game.


1. “Intro” – standard hiphop intro. Really nothing to write about here. It doesn’t exactly set the tone for the album, but it’s an intro. What did you expect?

2. “Carryout” (feat Justin Timberlake)- Get ready for fast food analogies aplenty. My thing, though, is I wonder if McDonald’s gonna be cool with Mr “I’m Lovin’ It” saying “Have it your way”? It’s got a decent beat, bit I feel it’s slightly too corny to be released to radio. New Kids had a similar song on their last album, called “Full Service” – same overkill analogies, but they revolved around a gas station.

3. “Lose Control” (feat JoJo)- JoJo never really had a distinctive sound, which I think is why she’s considered a one-hit wonder with “Leave (Get Out)”. That song could’ve been recorded by anyone. That comes across here. I think Timbo really wanted Miley, but couldn’t land it. Then, he probably went for Selena Gomez, but couldn’t land that, either. So, the label threw him JoJo. This could work, however, as her comeback single. It’s contemporary enough. It doesn’t do a thing for Timbaland, but it might help to reinvent JoJo as a worthy substitute when the Disney Dames are busy. I definitely see this making it to radio.

4. “Meet Me In Tha Middle” (featuring Bran’Nu) – I believe this is the debut of Brandy’s rapping alter ego, Bran’Nu. Run over one innocent person, and all of a sudden she’s got street cred? Anyway, this is the first track on the album that can really be called a “Timbaland song”. He’s actually rapping, and not just making the occasional call out over the beat. Gotta say, though, you wouldn’t know it’s Brandy just by listening to her. She’s got that NYC swagga going for her. The singing riff definitely sounds like her, but the rap is another beast entirely. It’s surprising, but I’m not sure if it’s a good surprise.

5. “Say Something” (feat Drake) – This leaked LONG ago, and the less said about Drake, the better. The beat is slow and lumbering. It’s actually putting me to sleep. It’s just a boring-ass song. If you like Drake, I guess you’ll like it. God, this is a terrible beat. It’s like someone just got a new Casio keyboard, but they haven’t figured out that there’s more than one backing track option.

6. “Tomorrow In The Bottle” (feat Chad Kroeger & Sebastian) – Out of the gate, I knew I’d like this song. Nice use of Chad Kroeger on the chorus. Even if you hate Nickelback, you can just pretend it’s the Kings of Leon getting funky (can someone explain to me why people hate on Nickelback, yet LOVE Kings of Leon, when they’re essentially the same group?). Anyway, this song is a nice display of Timbaland’s ability to mix genres into something unexpectedly pleasing. It’s the first track on the album that’s not straight, cookie-cutter R&B. This song is HOT, and I think it might signal the turning point of the album.

7. “We Belong To Music” (feat Miley Cyrus) – So, remember how I said he couldn’t land Miley for “Lose Control”? Well, I guess he begged and begged, and the label finally relented. I still find it funny that she’s never heard a Jay-Z song, but she’s recorded a Timbaland song. That’s a shame. That’s like if she’d said “I LOVE fancy restaurants! Red Lobster’s my FAVORITE!” This is one of those situations where the song is incorrectly credited – based on the division of labor, it should be “Miley Cyrus, feat Timbaland”. To be honest, this track should’ve been called “Party In The USA Pt 2″. It’s all about having a good time, namedropping the DJ. Seriously, it’s the same PitUSA. vibe, but with a less catchy hook.

8. “Morning After Dark” (feat Nelly Furtado & So Shy) – This is the single most people have heard, and it’s all OVER the place! It sounds like the standard Shock Value Vol 1 track, but then the chorus hits, and it’s like you’re in the middle of the vampire musical from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. What.The.Fuck? Really? Plus, Furtado’s really annoying. I feel like Timbo’s studio instruction was “Yo, I’m gonna need you to sound Chinese.”

9. “If We Ever Meet Again” (feat Katy Perry) – I also see this getting radio play, as it’s just such a crazy combo. It’s a fun song, melodically. It stays just a notch under stadium rock, with Timbaland’s vocoder providing a pleasing contrast to Katy Perry’s “pouty little rich girl who knows she gonna eventually get her way” delivery that she works so well. This is a great single, as it’s not Timbaland giving us more of the same. If this isn’t a hit song for Timbaland, it’s definitely a hit single for Katy, if included on her next album. Plus, it’s got “I can be easily re-recorded for Kidz Bop” written all over it.

10. “Can You Feel It” (feat Esthero & Sebastian) – This is not bad at all, and Timbaland’s actually working a new flow. Get this in the hands of the right DJ, remix it just right, and this could be a club hit. This is the song that I feel will grow on you after repeated listenings.

11. “Ease Off The Liquor” – The one track on the album without a cameo by another artist. It’s OK. It really shines 2/3 of the way through when it gets all mariachi on our asses. It’s still really just a really long, glorified interlude, though. It’s the kind of thing that you know he recorded while waiting for Miley or Justin to show up at the studio.

12. “Undertow” (feat The Fray and Esthero) – This song would be beautiful if it were just The Fray, but it’s nice that the inclusion of Timbaland doesn’t take anything away from it. I’m not sure if they vibe as well together as Timbaland and OneRepublic, but it’s a nice treat. This might be out of left field, but the pop emo paired with R&B voices reminds me of “Your Home Is In My Heart”, by Boyz II Men and Chante Moore, off the How Stella Got Her Groove Back soundtrack, it was the first time I found myself thinking “Why don’t R&B artists sing this kind of music more often?” (see also Monica & 112′s cover of Richard Marx’s “Right Here Waiting”). Laid back, no unnecessary trills. Beautiful song, perfect for a movie soundtrack.

13. “Timothy, Where You Been?” (feat Jet) – This is Timbaland putting on his Jay-Z pants. I’m not sure if it succeeds. I’m not sure if the whole retrospective thing fits him. It’s just him namedropping and listing successes. We all know what he’s done. We bought the albums. Is he beefing with anyone right now? ‘Cause this is the kind of flossy flossy “look what I’ve done” track that you’d record when someone’s been hatin’. The thing is, it’s not HARD. It’s all somber, with the Jet background. So, instead of being impressed by his accomplishments, it leaves you thinking, “Man, Timbaland sure sounds sad”.

14. “Long Way Down” (feat Daughtry) - Is there a non-Timbaland version of this song? Because I feel he did the same thing that he did with “Apologize” – he took a song that already existed, and he just put his Timbaland Beat under it. Maybe not. Still, I don’t think this works. I might be biased, though – I have a problem with Daughtry. I feel like they’re the second coming of Creed, without the Judeo-Christian grandstanding. This shouldn’t be a recording. This is when Daughtry’s playing an encore, and they break out this song, at which point they invite their good buddy Timbaland onstage with them, and he kinda riffs along with the song. That’s the formula here. Afterwards, they might say, “Hey, that wasn’t bad. We should get in the studio and do something”, but if/when that occurs, this is not the song that they’d “immortalize in wax”.

15. “Marching On” (feat OneRepublic) – He’s fucking doing it again! I understand that he kinda gave them a break by including “Apologize” on the last vol of ,Shock Value but it always pissed me off that it went to radio as “Timbaland, feat OneRepublic”, considering the song already existed in a non-Timbaland version. Why should he get top billing? And here, he does it again. This song was already released on OneRepublic’s recent album, Waking Up, and Timbaland doesn’t add anything here. His contribution worked on “Apologize“, because it was a more electronic album for OneRepublic, but they’ve since taken a folksier, Coldplay route, in which Timbaland can’t just seemlessly sneak onto a track and leave his mark. OneRepublic must just love playing second fiddle to Timbaland. I can’t wait for that future episode of VH-1 Storytellers.

16. “The One I Love” (feat Keri Hilson & D.O.E.) – Did they forget to put this on Keri’s album? It just sounds like every track that she and Timbaland record together. Consistency’s good, but it’s JUST LIKE EVERY SONG SHE AND TIMBALAND HAVE RECORDED TOGETHER. It’s nice that the “The Way I Are” team got back together, though. Otherwise, it’s Timbaland Filler.

17. “Symphony” (feat Attitude, Bran’Nu, and D.O.E.) – Remember when Middle Eastern sounds in hiphop were hot? What was that, 2003? Well, this song is straight out of 2003. It’s Timbo and DOE tryin’ to go hard, but I’m not sure it’s the best note on which to end an album. Oh, and we get another appearance by Bran’Nu. You know, the female R&B field is kinda crowded these days, and I would certainly download an album of straight Bran’Nu rap tracks, which means somebody out there would pay money for that. Somebody better get on that. This might be the best career reinvention since Marky Mark became an actor.

I once read an interview with Missy Elliott, Timbaland, and Magoo, where Missy sold Timbo out by saying that his heart is really with 80s power bands, like Journey, and that if he had his way, that’s the kind of stuff he’d be creating. He does R&B and hiphop because that’s what people expect of him, and it’s what pays the bills. It wasn’t long after that interview that Timbaland and Missy sort of sort of started working with other people (and Magoo went back to his shift at Sonic). I don’t think Missy meant it as a slight, but I think she realized that he had a very limited number of things he wanted to say when it came to R&B. This album is further proof of that. When it comes to “black music” (I know that’s I’m gonna get some flack for that), I think he’s said all that he has to say. Those songs all have that Timbaland Beat, which is becoming as tired as the Swizz Beatz sound became in the early aughts. It’s when he steps out of the past, and works with today’s pop artists that he truly shines. I think he has a LOT left to offer popular music, but I think he needs to leave the cookie-cutter hip-pop behind and do more stuff like “Tomorrow In The Bottle”, “Undertow” or definitely “If We Ever Meet Again”. He’s definitely headed in the right direction, and I can’t wait to see what we get on Shock Value III.

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29th Mar2009

Seal: Soul – A Review

by Will

“I fucked a mermaid!”

So, since around Thanksgiving, I’ve been stockpiling a shitload of mp3 albums I’ve come across in my blog travels. Half the stuff I’d never even care about were it not free. I’m finding some pretty good gems out there, but there are also quite a few misses. Man can’t live by song parodies and Watchmen reviews alone, so I figured I’d share some of these finds with you. Today’s target is Soul, the latest album from Seal. Released in time for the Christmas rush, Soul is 12 tracks of Seal paying homage to the soul stars of yesteryear. The joke’s on the listener, though, as we find out that Seal’s got NO SOUL. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. I mean, the thing just should have been better. It’s produced by David Foster, for God’s sake! That guy shits Top 40 Adult Contemporary gold. He’s the Timbaland of the former yuppie set. Yet, even he couldn’t save this train wreck of a tribute album. Plainly put, Soul seems more like it was rushed together to fulfill a contractual obligation than a display of any real effort on Seal’s part. You know you’re in a bad situation when you find yourself thinking, “Michael Bolton would’ve been so much better on this CD”. Yup, it’s like that. Anyway, I figured I should probably take you on a track-by-track exploration of its few hits and more numerous misses.

1. A Change Is Gonna Come – Seal singing Sam Cooke’s famous plea for racial equality. Part of me is offended by him doing it, as he didn’t necessarily live through that time. From where is he pulling the emotion? Is it from the kids who used to make fun of his scars? Is it from the time Heidi screamed out Tim Gunn’s name during sex? Answer: he’s *not* pulling any emotion, and it shows. On the other hand, I feel he’s perfectly suited for it, as his life is the shining example of the change that Sam was yearning for, what with his big career and his hot German wife. Dude’s even got a son named “Johan”! Somewhere, Sam’s gotta be saying, “Well, I’ll be damned! That big ol’ African dude is runnin’ up in that?! They let us Negroes do that now?”

2. I Can’t Stand the Rain – Well, it’s got a pumping bass line, but not much else going for it.

3. It’s A Man’s Man’s Man’s World – Interesting, but no James Brown. To quote Paula Abdul, “You took this song and really made it your own.” This is the kind of song where Seal shines – a suffering ballad, rather than the wail-fest that JB made it. It’s a good, original take on the classic.

4. Here I Am (Come and Take Me) – His voice is all wrong for this. You need Al’s nasal tone on this thing. Seal’s too “clean” for this. Seal’s voice makes women magically want to take off their panties, while Al always sounded like he was trying to convince them, as one hand was busy unfastening their bra. Al had this “skeaze” to him that worked to his advantage. How else do you think he so seemlessly became a preacher? Low blow, I know. Anyway, Seal, you ain’t no Al Green. When Heidi throws a pot of hot grits on you, then we’ll talk.

5. I’ve Been Loving You Too Long – NEXT!

6. It’s Alright – Man, you know there’s a problem when the Huey Lewis cover of a song is better than yours. Yes, Huey’s a cappella cover runs circles around whatever it is Seal’s trying to pull off here. Plus, the smooth jazz background sticks the fork in it.

7.If You Don’t Know Me By Now – This song’s been recorded how many times? And they all sound better than this one.

8. Knock on Wood – NEXT!

9. I’m Still In Love With You – Not bad, but not good.

10. Free – Chill, again the kind of song where Seal excels.

11. Stand By Me – You know how when you go and see your favorite group, and they don’t play your favorite song until the final encore? And when they do, it’s some jazzed up, impure version that you don’t like? And you’re thinking to yourself, “There aren’t any saxophones in ‘Free Fallin’!” That’s what this track is like. He has no respect for the soul or emotion inherent in the song. This should’ve been a hidden track, as he does this song no favors.

12. People Get Ready – Gospel Choir – ain’t nothin’ wrong with that

Track That Should’ve Been Recorded But Wasn’t: Hold On, I’m Comin’. Seal would’ve blown the doors off this song.

Bottom line, I don’t think many of these tracks will make it onto the next volume of Seal’s Greatest Hits. The Cooke cover will probably be there, as it was released as a single, but the rest of these tracks are going to be forgotten more quickly than Judy Winslow. And I think that’s probably for the best.

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06th Mar2009

Top 40 Letter From Pop Camp

by Will

“Gib mir nocht zeit…”

Dear Mom,
I hate it here at Camp Teeheehaha. I wish you were here. Or at least, I wish you could kiss me thru the phone or something. I’m a big boy, and I know I need to pull it together. It just feels like I’ve been here forever!

It rained yesterday, and I got caught in it without my umbrella.

My bunkmate, Teddy, just came down with Stanky Leg, and the nurse thinks he should be sent home. I feel bad for the guy ’cause all he wants to do is just dance. They think he got it from jumping out the windows or something.

Then, there’s crazy Amy from the cabin across the lake. She’s crazy, mom! This morning, we woke up to find that she’d spraypainted “My Life Would Suck Without You” on the wall of our cabin! Crazy! Everybody tells me that I’m being heartless, and that everyone needs a second chance. I told Tom, our counselor, “You gotta let me know if you see Amy, OK?!” All the other kids seem to think this is some kinda of funny love story. I swear this place is a circus! Then, Amy’s bunkmate, Katy, keeps leaving me notes saying things like, “I’m Yours”. All the older guys are calling me a “womanizer”, whatever that is.

Next Saturday is the Let It Rock and Roll dance, and I know Teddy’s gonna hate to miss that. All of the single ladies are supposed to ask the guys, buy you know how yucky I think girls are. It can’t be all bad, though, as I hear there’s gonna be a Sundae Bar with, like, 12 kinds of ice cream, and you can get whatever you like! It’s gonna be awesome!

While Teddy was with the nurse, I opened a letter from his girlfriend. You know, she’s older, and sometimes she writes really funny stuff in the letters. One time, she wrote 3 pages about how she’s “untouched”, and how she wanted Teddy to change that, whatever that means. This week, though, there was nothing juicy. Just a whole bunch of junk about how her dad is sober now. He checked into rehab or something. Good for him, I guess.

I just got back from a pretty intense game of Red Light/Green Light, so I’m kinda beat. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you. I’m not mad or anything. Sometimes I just really miss you. I’m sorry, Mom – I hate this part. I know you’ve got to live your life, and I’ll be back home before I know it. I can’t wait to see you next Sunday for Parent Day!

Love,
Will

P.S. Please send me the latest issue of Miss Independent. I’ve gotta see if she finally defeats The Fray. Thanks!

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12th Oct2008

How’s Usher Gonna Get Off That Damn Mountain? And Other Reality TV Stuff…

by Will

“You want White Castle, need White Castle, long as you got me it won’t be no hassle.”

- I’m usually not the biggest Weird Al fan, but his cover of T.I.’s “Whatever You Like” had me laughing for about 30 minutes. Absolutely priceless!

- I really wanna work for the company in Britney’s new “Womanizer” video. I mean, I never knew the fauxhawk to be “corporate”, but it seems to fly at that organization. Let’s hope this really is her comeback this time. Not the biggest fan of the song, but the video helps to sell it. MUCH better than that anime shit for “Break the Ice”…hey, didn’t that video end with “to be continued”? Let’s hope they don’t make good on that promise. Anyway, Brit’s looking pretty damn hot, so I guess we could all use a dose of crazy, if it does a body that good.

- Speaking of “to be continued” videos, Usher just released the video for “Trading Places”, but it’s just a random-ass R&B video. Last I remember, Mr. Raymond was stuck up on that mountain. How the Hell did he get off that damn mountain?!

- I’ve gone from a state of loving everything on MTV to hating everything on MTV. I guess I finally caught up with the rest of the real world (no pun intended). I was looking forward to Exiled, but realized I’d never watched enough My Super Sweet 16 to really care enough about those girls. I’m SO over The Hills, as well as the fact that Audrina and Whit have spin-offs coming. Don’t care about The Island, ’cause I really wanted a C.T./Dunbar ‘roid rage face-off, but that wasn’t in the cards.

Who the Hell thought Man & Wife deserved to be ripped off the web? It’s like the old Loveline, but nowhere near as informative. If anything, it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable. It’s like an interactive version of those shitty, traveling Black stage shows. You know, they always have names like, Seeing Jesus on the Downlow, and star hasbeens from Good Times & What’s Happening!!.

Sex…with Mom & Dad? Really? Dr. Drew, is this the best you could come up with? Do you miss your boy, Adam? Was he the brains of the operation? Now, this show does NOTHING for me. In the past, MTV sex shows were edgy, like the afore-mentioned Loveline. That was pretty groundbreaking for TV, but this is like Drew needed something to hold him over between Celebrity Rehab sessions. I don’t really think the show accomplishes much other than making the teens, the parents, and the viewers EXTREMELY uncomfortable. If anything, you end up learning the mom used to be a whore, and doesn’t want the daughter to be a whore. But the daughter’s only gonna react with the whole “Let me live my life and be a whore if I want to” response. In some ways, I kinda agree with that, but they could’ve had that “breakthrough” off camera.

The only shows I can still stomach are Making the Band 4 (I TOTALLY called the Danity Kane break-up before the season started!) and Parental Control. Plus, True Life and Made are always good entertainment.

-If you love “meta” humor, you’ll love this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HE9OQ4FnkQ . It’s A-Ha’s “Take On Me”, only it’s been remixed to tell you exactly what’s going on in the video. Watch it and you’ll understand. It’s one of those things where I wish I’d thought of it first.

-I’ve been wondering this for a while, but HD Radio – why? So, you mean to tell me there are secret stations, hidden between the stations I know, playing a bunch of different songs? If these songs are so great, then why hasn’t Clear Channel already shoved them down my throat? They know exactly what I like! No, these songs are being hidden, like ugly children and incontinent pets. They try to sell the fact that it’s near-CD quality sound, but if I wanted that, I’d buy the CD. When it’s free, I can deal with a degredation of sound quality. After all, you get what you pay for, and free radio is workin’ out just fine. Nice try, HD Radio, but you’re gonna have to try harder than that!

So, last night J. Christ. (no, not Jesus – He’s got more important things to do than read this blog; He’s too busy hanging out with all those rappers) told me that I don’t nearly keep up this site enough. I’ve gotta say that she’s right. I mean, in my neglect, I forgot to acknowledge my 5-year blogiversary back in July. I’m a big fan of streaks, and I know I’m always citing the anniversary of when I started blogging, or the anniversary of when I bought the williambrucewest.com domain name, or the anniversary of when I started actually using that domain name – plainly put, I like milestones. Anyway, I started rambling a little over five years ago, and man have I done nothing since then. I find that whenever I do these milestone posts, it forces me to look back in a pseudo-pessimistic tone. Well, I’m gonna try not to do that this time around. But, man, what I’ wouldn’t give to go back to being 13, when all I really looked forward to was a new episode of California Dreams every Saturday, and the promise of a positive, yet unknown future. Well, we can only go up from here, right? In the words of (probably unknown to most of you) Swedish pop star, Bosson, “we live, we die, and we learn to find the things we live and die for.” Guess I’m still learning to find those things. Here’s to 5 more years of the journey.

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18th Sep2008

Fallout Boy Mixtape and An Insider’s View of Diamond

by Will

“We believe in Barack Obama! He loves you and he loves your mama!”

Could it be? Is that an Obama endorsement from Williambrucewest.com? No, it’s not. But it does lead into this little tidbit: Major props go out to my man, Marcus, for recommending “Welcome to the New Administration”, the new, FREE mixtape from Fall Out Boy. A thinly-disguised prObama project, the collection not only drops snippets of the upcoming Fall Out Boy album, Folie A Deux, but it also introduces you to the music of some of their musical friends, like Panic at the Disco, Tyga, The Cab, and others. The new FOB album sounds tight, and I certainly wanna hear more from Tyga. EVERYONE should download this package, and you can get it free right here: http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/users/falloutboy/ It’s worth it just for Luda’s interlude alone.

Did y’all realize there’s a rapper named “Niggalas Cage”? I shit you not! In fact, he’s even got a track with Akon right now, called “You’re the Reason”. If you ask me, they should’ve recorded a track called “Kon Air”.

Speaking of Akon, he’s on one of the hottest tracks on NKOTB’s new album, “Put It On My Tab”. I recently posted a Facebook status saying that the album “doesn’t suck”, but after repeated listenings, I’ve got to admit that it’s HOT. It’s got that ‘NSYNC circa “No Strings Attached” vibe going on. And the guests on it are pretty surprising: Akon, New Edition, Pussycat Dolls, Lady Gaga, Ne-Yo. It’s a great dance album, and one of the best pop albums released in recent years.

While we’re on pop, TRL is shutting down. Man, that kills me, but it’s time. The TRL model isn’t appropriate for what passes as “pop” these days. Before, it was a crowd full of screaming teenage girls, clogging up Times Square, for the chance to catch a glimpse of dye-job, curly-q Justin Timberlake. TRL works best when pop is at its most “bubblegum”. Sure, you can still have Chris Brown drop by, but Daughtry and the rest of Top 40 radio are more suited for VH-1. Even the teen stars being cranked out, like Jordin Sparks, are more suited for an older crowd. TRL, like the early WB, used to MAKE stars. Now, it’s merely a shadow of its past self. MTV claims the show is just “going on a break”, but anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows what that can mean. I think it’ll reappear, though. The UK had a similar show, Top of the Pops, which was on the air for over 42 years (!). Eventually, the formula got stale, and they put it on time out. Like TRL, the BBC promises it, too, will one day return. Maybe their returns will coincide.

That BET R. Kelly interview is priceless! I love the look on Toure’s face. The entire interview, his face is screaming, “Is this nigga for real?!”

So, last night, I watched The Temptations for what must’ve been the 10th time. I don’t know if VH-1 planned to show it all along, or if it was to honor Norman Whitfield, the prolific Motown writer/producer who passed away yesterday. Let’s hope the reason is the former, as the miniseries doesn’t exactly portray Whit in the best light. Hell, I just realized that it doesn’t portray anyone in a positive light…except for Otis Williams. Seeing as how Otis is the only surviving founding member of the group, the movie was written from his perspective. That said, it took me all these years to realize that it is the most masturbatory, self-congratulatory thing I’ve ever seen. There are WAY too many private scenes between Otis and random characters, as they have heart to heart talks where the other person thanks Otis for being the force that holds the group together, or thanks Otis for putting on the pressure when the less-disciplined needed that sort of monitoring. Everyone dies in the most heart-wrenching, tragic ways, even though most of the Temps’ families have disputed the accounts of their relatives’ demise, especially in the sensationalized account of David Ruffin, who’s shown thrown in front of an emergency room, from a moving limo, after overdosing. They say karma’s a bitch, so it Otis did make this stuff up, I’d say he’d better watch his back. Nothing like having 4 ghosts in leisure suits coming to get you, dancing slowly in formation. That reminds me, though – I’ve been working on a Leon/David Ruffin post for the better part of 2 years now. I should probably do something about that.

Watched Baby Mama the other night. This comes as no surprise, but I LOVE Tina Fey. She’s pretty much playing Liz Lemon from 30 Rock, which is what I’ve come to believe is the real Tina. The sexy, smart, insecure funnywoman. This movie, however, not that great. It’s not bad, but it’s not good. I don’t think it makes the most of any of the cast’s strengths, and it could’ve been better, Honestly, it’s about what I’d expect from an SNL movie, but I kinda wanted more, considering Tina wrote it, and she WAS head writer of SNL for about 9 years.

Got a lot on my mind, but I’m gonna wrap things up with this thought: a lot of people go through life with a dream. They go on with their day-to-day lives, but in the backs of their minds, they have a “what if?” idea that they never act on. Now, what happens when you act on that, and you find you’re not good at it? Are you better off knowing that? One of my dreams was to work in comics. I felt that it was something I was BORN to do, and I’d kick ass at it. 2 years later, and I realize I wasn’t that good at it. I always said I’d write a book about that experience, called Diamond in the Rough: My Life in Comics, but I don’t have the patience, plus nobody’d want to read it except those in the industry, and it’s gonna piss off most of them. Instead, I’m sure my ideas for said book will probably trickle onto the site over time.

Anyway, how did I come to this conclusion? Well, if any of you have ever read the Previews catalog (NOTE: Previews is a catalog that ships ever month, informing retailers/fans of upcoming comic books so they can place orders – I used to help make that catalog), you might’ve seen a segment in the middle called “Featured Items”. Those were the 16 items, NOT from Marvel or DC, that we felt “every store should buy”. We’d have monthly meetings where we’d sit down and go to war over who should receive this honor, even though John Q. Public really didn’t give a shit. Us giving an “FI” to Red Sonja #25 isn’t gonna make retailers buy more copies. If Sonja dies, or flashes a tit, THEN retailers are gonna buy more and sell them for 3x cover price right out of the box – they ain’t doing it because of some faceless company in Maryland.

These “discussions” (and I use the term lightly) always got heated because no one respected anyone else’s choice. Plus, there were the politics. Certain publishers are guaranteed a certain amount of FI’s due to their contracts with Diamond, so our hands were a bit tied at times. I can’t tell you how many times we gave an FI to Dynamite for “To Be Determined”. They might have this book ready, but it’s more likely it’s gonna be late, so we’ll give it to Book X. We got into the business of supporting companies rather than books. We were given the explanation that certain companies were poised to be the next Marvel or DC, so we needed to support those. I understand the need for growth and encouragement, but who would replace those companies that were about to “graduate”. We were so focused on Dynamite and IDW becoming the next Marvel and DC, but I always felt we lost sight of the fact that someone would need to groom the next IDW and Dynamite (which ain’t necessarily a good thing – grooming the “new Dynamite” is akin to discovering Super AIDS). I like to think a lot of my FI choices were focused on “the next generation”, yet we were always told that we “weren’t looking at the bigger picture”. Eventually, it got to the point where the meetings were no longer seen as productive, and were done away with. Instead, we had to send our choices/arguments to the team managers, and they would decide based on the evidence we’d provided. Seeing as how this took place behind closed doors, we never really knew what went down. We were simply to trust that they’d make the right decision. That’s how things were when I left.

Well, the other day, I found out that the FI meetings had been reinstated. It seems that the main reason the meetings had been done away with was because the FI picks submitted by me, as well as another former brand manager, weren’t seen as strong or deserving. Now, I don’t know if that’s true, or if I was easy to blame because I’m no longer there to defend myself. Even still, it kind of hurts (and somewhat surprising) that I was divisive enough to derail a process that had been working for years, which is magically reinstated the minute I’m gone. I stand by my decisions, as I think some of the most surprising, engaging stuff is going to be coming from the Oni’s and the First Second’s. Because so many of those situations were presented in vagueries, I had no idea it was my ideas that were hindering the process. If someone had just told me… That said, I still think Scott Pilgrim 4, even though it’s the 4th in a series (a bestselling series, mind you) trumps the adaptation of some videogame sequel that’s delayed by months. That’s how I played the game, and how I felt it should be played. I don’t know if it’s the bloggers or the small press crowd getting to me or what, but I thought I was looking out for the industry, while the gatekeepers of the industry weren’t on the same page. So, was I truly born to work in comics? I don’t know. I don’t think so. If I was, it certainly wasn’t in the capacity in which I was working before. Langston Hughes once pondered what happened to a dream deferred. I, on the other hand, am trying to figure out what happens to a dream deflated…

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09th Sep2008

America Meets Sarah Palin, Topanga’s Got A New Show, 90210′s Back, and Danity Kane’s Got A Comic Book

by Will

“I’m gonna be really pissed off in Heaven, ’cause I ain’t dying ’cause I’ve got too much stuff to do. If I die now, before I get to do all that I want, I’ll definitely be killing some dead people in Heaven. Which’ll be bad, ’cause then I’ll probably be sent to Hell.”

Man, it’s been so long, I’m not sure I even remember how to do this. Let’s see…

So, Aldi owns Trader Joe’s? I find that so odd, especially when you compare their business models.

Next, we’ve got politics. Some people are gonna hate me for saying this, but “Well-played, McCain. Well-played indeed”. You see, someone passed John the rules to Minority Battle. I don’t care how well-spoken a black dude is, he’s always trumped by a white chick with sexy-librarian glasses. Sure, she seems like she might be a little crazy, but that just adds to the wild-card factor. I still say he should’ve chosen a Latina or an eskimo in a wheelchair. In Minority Battle, a Maria ALWAYS beats a Tyrone. Sorry, Wesley, but you can’t “always bet on black” in this game. I like looking at Palin ’cause I can squint and imagine that Tina Fey is on the ballot. When I look at Obama and Biden, however, it feels like I’m seeing Diff’rent Strokes: The Next Generation. Just sayin’…

Anyway, enough politics. On to television:

When did Danielle Fishel become host of The Soup? Wait, you mean, that’s NOT The Soup? Then, whose bright idea was it to rip off The Soup and hire Topanga?! So, this is The Dish? Nobody thought of The Bowl? It’s the same damn show! Considering E! and Style are owned by the same people, why are they ripping themselves off?

90210‘s back, and it’s…not bad. It’s a little too OC for me. I like my teen dramas to have uber angst, a la One Tree Hill, and I think these kids are just way too pretty for me to care about. Keep in mind, my favorite West Beverly student was Andrea Zuckerman. That is exactly why my fave on the new show is, you guessed it, Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez. Yes, Andrea’s daughter (yeah, the bastard kid she had with that Puerto Rican busboy) is now all teened up and going to mom’s alma mater. Best part of the premiere was when the teacher turns off Hannah’s classroom news report, saying, “What is she, like 30?”. You know, ’cause Gabrielle Carteris was 30 when she was cast in the original. What can I say? I love easter eggs and continuity.

I hate the MTV show Busted. Why? Because they ALWAYS let the kids go. Not sure if it’s just a scared-straight tactic or what, but the kids never seem in any real danger of being locked up, and that’s just confirmed when the officer writes them a citation and lets them go. The kids kind of squirm, but they’re usually too drunk or high to realize they’re in any kind of major trouble. I wanna see someone cry. I want to see them at least get put in the cruiser. For added effect, they need to have a crossover with Juvies. If anything, that show just teaches me that the law enforcement of Salisbury, Maryland is a bunch of pushovers.

And on to the music portion of our evening:

I wonder how the makers of Patron feel about the rap industry’s love of their product. Do they appreciate the free advertising or do they feel that it’s actually dragging their good name through the mud.

So, Danity Kane’s got a comic book now. It was given away to attendees at the VMAs, and it’s a piece of shit. No, seriously, it’s horrible. I turned away stuff like this when I was working at Diamond. Not sure if you’re aware, my readers, but the name “Danity Kane” originated in the mind of DK’s Dawn. Before she joined the group, she envisioned a female super hero that she’d think of whenever she needed help feeling empowered. When the group was throwing around names, Dawn explained Danity Kane and the group loved it because they thought had that kickass, girl power vibe they were looking for. Well, it seems that Dawn has fleshed out the Danity Kane story, and apparently hired some blind kid to draw the thing. Not even gonna bore you with the synopsis; all you need to know is that Danity hails from the planet Jyzfire. Yes, “jyzfire”. That sounds like the worst kind of STD…

So, Usher’s stylist convinced him to fire his manager. Doesn’t help that the stylist is his wife and the manager is his mom. The way I see it, that nigga should’ve fired the stylist a LONG time ago because she’s been dressing him in the SAME DAMN OUTFIT for the past 3 years! That bitch has been bamboozling that brotha for years, AND she gets paid for it! In fact, I have this image of his closet where there’s nothing but a single pair of jeans, one black t-shirt, a leather jacket, and a bottle of Febreze.

If you ask me, Estelle’s just looking for a free trip to America and a tour guide. I can’t abide by users like that. I’m supposedly her American Boy, I flew her over for some ass, and all she wants to do is sightsee?! Plus, does the bitch own a map? She wants to see NY AND Miami?! Does she realize you can’t just jump in a cab for that trip?!

Hey, Secondhand Serenade & Thriving Ivory: Love you guys. Really. But Blessid Union of Souls called, and they want their sound back.

Pink, Pink, Pink…what are we gonna do with you? Your new song has grown on me, but where are you coming from? “Guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went”. Yeah, you do – you left him. There’s nothing worse than a dumper who acts like the victim. That’s great; you’re better off without him. Move on, have some fun. You’ve already got a new man, so don’t make Carey feel worse than he already does. Nice VMA performance, though. Still want you to hurt me and make me feel like a man, but let’s have a little class.

And finally, the VM freaking A’s. Anyone who DOESN’T think those were rigged is an effing idiot! Let’s see, Britney zombied through her performance last year and needed forgiveness. Check. She’s been on good behavior for the past 3 months. Check. She was the only person (along with the host, Russell Brand), featured in promos for the awards, even though she wasn’t slated to perform or anything. Check. She’s nominated for 3 Moonmen, despite the fact that she didn’t even really promote the album ’cause she was too busy hitting rock bottom. Check. Now, the shit’s about to get real: She and her former manager, Larry Rudolph, reunite and meet with the record label the day before the VMAs to discuss her big comeback album. Check. Then, it leaks that Brit will open the VMAs in “memorable fashion”, YET still wasn’t gonna perform. Check. Now, she walks away with 3 awards, including Video of the Year, for the weakest single of her career. Seriously, she didn’t win for “Hit Me, Baby…”, “Oops”, “Slave for You”, “Me Against the Music”, OR “Toxic” (not to mention her “lesser hits), but she wins for “Piece of Me”?! 3 awards?! In a year where she really didn’t do shit?! RIGGED. Not sure what MTV’s getting out of this deal – maybe they just want to be lauded as the place where her comeback got on track, but this was RIGGED. In other news, is it wrong that I really wanted Shrek…I mean, Jordin Sparks’s “No Air” to beat Rihanna? You know, so then, it’d be like Rihanna got beat by her own man singing with another chick. That would’ve been priceless!

This post goes out to MPH and the rest of the OC crew. And, I’m out!

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