IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, Y'ALL!!!

1) Today In Black History: Arnold & Willis Jackson became the first poor black kids adopted by a rich white person

2) Today in Black History: Jimmie Walker left his lucrative career in demolitions to become a comedian.

3) Today in Black History, The Eastland School for Girls admitted Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey as its first black student

4) Today in Black History, the Fresh King of Bel Air was assassinated. The throne remained empty until a long lost son was found in 1990.

5) Today in Black History, Kunta Kinte is accepted into the space program, and it only costs him his eyesight.

6) Today in Black History, the black girl became the Yellow Ranger, which was only slightly less offensive.

7) Today in Black History, boxer Cassius Clay was bitten by a radioactive Muslim, transforming him into Muhammad Ali

8) Today in Black History, the remains of the fabled “Caribbean Queen” were found in the trunk of Billy Ocean’s car.

9) Today in Black History, Devonté Henson became the first black person to scale the Aggro Crag.

10) Today in Black History, a young Tyler Perry put on his first dress. Years later, he would learn that he could be paid for it.

11) Today in Black History, scientists combined the DNA of Morris Day and a pony. The result was Prince.

12) Today in Black History, Mr. T pitied his first fool, which is still illegal in most states.

13) Today in Black History, Lt Uhura inspired a generation of black women to work for the phone company.

14) Today in Black History, DeBarge discovered a place where they could dance the whole night away. It was an abandoned T.J. Maxx

15) Today in Black History, the US Government cracked down on music piracy after Rerun snuck that tape recorder into the Doobie Bros concert

16) Today in Black History, the Negro Hockey League was founded. After everyone had a good laugh, the site was converted to a Popeyes.

17) Today in Black History, Magic Johnson opened the first movie theater chain where blacks were encouraged to yell at the screen

18) Today in Black History, George Washington Carver’s lazier brother, Jamal, invented crunchy peanut butter.

19) Today in Black History, Janet Jackson joined the cast of TV’s “Fame”. Critics declared this would be the lowest point for the Jackson family

20) Today in Black History, Dwayne Wayne discovered a parallel universe - a different world, where Marisa Tomei was the only white person.

21) Today in Black History, Frederick, MD was named for Frederick Douglass - known for his love of Walmart and the white women

22) Today in Black History, Aunt Jemima discovered Uncle Ben’s affair with Mrs Butterworth, thus splitting Black America’s first power couple

23) Today in Black History, Acorn Avenue -an all-black version of Sesame Street, debuted featuring NeGrover & Big Turkey. It would only air once

24) Today in Black History, 16 Soul Train dancers were killed in what has come to be known as “The Cabbage Patch Massacre of ‘91”

25) Today in Black History, Autobot Rosa Sparks gained attention when she refused to transform into the back of a bus. (Courtesy of @OAFE)

26) Today in Black History, Jesse Jackson formed the R&B group The Civil Rights. They were dropped from Motown before releasing a single.

27) Today in Black History, with Knight Rider & The A-Team, NBC became the first network to devote a night to shows starring black vehicles

28) Today in Black History, Republican scientists proclaimed "Shucky ducky!" as they successfully completed secret cloning experiment, Operation: Chocolate Cheney.

Be sure to celebrate responsibly, but let's get it poppin' like a Jackson Hewitt commercial! After all, it's what our ancestors would've wanted.

Black History Calendar

Sitcoms have really evolved over the past 50 or so years. Before we settled on the whole single camera, no laugh track model (The Office), we had the multicamera, studio audience model (Three's Company). In the beginning, these shows usually starred some comedian or variety act, maybe a husband and wife team. Then, we got to the 70s where things were a bit more politically charged, and sitcoms began to explore the workplace (Mary Tyler Moore). In the '80s, however, shit got weird.

In the 80s, shows centered on a family model, and tended to have male family friend who Just Might Be Gay. Who's that guy? Why is he here? What's his motivation? He wasn't just a wacky neighbor, as those had been around for years. No, this was something different. Of course, he couldn't actually be gay, as Three's Company showed us that you could only be gay if you weren't (Ha! He's only pretending). No, these characters seemed like they were testing the waters of America's acceptance of the potential of a gay sitcom character. The role disappeared in the 90s when shows gravitated towards the Living Single model - centered around a group of friends who are primarily not immediate family; I'd say Friends model, but any black person under the age of 50 will tell you that Living Single did it first (Honestly, I think TGIF's Going Places might have actually pioneered the whole thing, but I digress). It's said that the funniest jokes have some truth to them, so it stands to reason that these roles were possibly meant to ease America into the idea of homosexuality, without fully understanding how best to accomplish that. After all, this was new territory for the era, so there wasn't really a road map as to how to successfully pull this off. These characters were always played as "bachelors", but little "bacheloring" was done on their part. It's kinda like your middle-aged uncle who lives with his "friend", Kevin. At most, they were played for comic relief. Still, their addition always seemed a bit off, as if mandated by the network. I want to take a closer look at some of these characters.

In the sitcom Webster, real-life couple Alex Karras and Susan Clark take in little Emmanuel Lewis, and hilarity ensues! Not really. Anyone with eyes knew that this was just a Chinese knockoff of Diff'rent Strokes. I wonder if white folks were as crazy about adopting black kids as TV led me to believe. Seriously, TV made it seem like a typical yuppie weekend agenda was:

_Play tennis at the club

_Brunch

_Detail the BMW

_Go down to the orphanage and look at the black kids

The saddest thing about Webster was that he wasn't even a part of the original premise. It was just meant to be a show about the couple, but everyone was apparently riding the wave of black adoptions (gotta catch 'em all!), so Webster was pigeonholed into the show. And then he took over. And the real life couple wasn't pleased.

Anyway, despite all the behind the scenes drama, something interesting was happening onscreen. You see, the show introduced Jerry (played by Henry Polic II - how do you even become a "II"? Don't you have to be a JUNIOR? Anyway...), who was the male secretary to Katherine Papadapolis. Hold up, MALE SECRETARY?!! But that's a WOMAN's job, like housekeeping (little did we know the 80s would also turn that occupation on its head, too). Anyway, I've watched a LOT of TV. We're talking a LOT. That said, I can't remember an important episode featuring Jerry. I do remember him dressed up as Dracula once. Otherwise, I just remember him as looking like he could be Cousin Larry Appleton's stand-in. As a child, though, all I could think was "Why is he here? They already want me to believe these rich white folks want Webster, and now I've gotta make sense of him, too?!" I don't know if there were any episodes about Jerry going on dates with women way out of his league, or a rushed marriage storyline or anything. In hindsight, part of what taints my memory of him is the Britcom, Take A Letter, Mr Jones. In that show, John Inman (of Are You Being Served? fame) plays a male secretary, and I don't think John Inman EVER played a straight character, so I guess I'm applying that bias to Jerry on Webster. Was Webster sending a message through established gender roles or was it trying to change established gender roles? Let's move on to another example, shall we?

Another quirky 80s sitcom was Too Close For Comfort, starring Mary Tyler Moore/Caddyshack alum, Ted Knight. This show was all over the place, partly because it went from network to first-run syndication - changing plot points as it went along. Mainly, Knight played Henry Rush, a cartoonist whose most popular strip was Cosmic Cow. He lived in San Francisco with his wife and hot daughters. Oh, and Monroe Ficus.

Played by Jim J. Bullock, Monroe started out as a friend of Henry's daughters. While he's a klutz and always tends to gum up the works, his heart is usually in the right place. Over time, Henry becomes a bit of a father figure to him - especially once the daughters are written out of the show. The problem with Monroe, though, is that he's a character that just doesn't exist in that time period. I mean, in today's vernacular, you would classify him as a manchild, but not in the Judd Apatow sense of the word. Those characters just don't want to embrace responsibility, while Monroe just had a Peter Pan naivete about him. He never dated any of Rush's daughters, nor did he even try. I've been watching the show a lot lately on Antenna TV, and he doesn't seem to ever really have girlfriends. Then, there's the "very special episode" where he's raped during his shift as a mall guard. It's played for comedic effect, even though there's a buried message about how men can be raped, too. He's embarrassed to go to the police, but Henry convinces him that he should. The whole message isn't conveyed very well, and you find out he was raped by a burly senior citizen, so it's still "Haha, poor Monroe!"

As a character, Monroe was a sweet kid, but what was his true purpose? Sure, he served as a foil for Henry (much like the Urkel and Carl relationship from Family Matters), there are still a lot of questions that need to be answered about the character's motivations. Early on, we learn that his own parents don't really even care about him, from dissuading him from visiting, to not even calling on his birthday. This is part of why Henry decides to make time for him, but why did the Ficus clan disavow him?

Then, there's the fact that the character was played by Jim J. Bullock. A longtime HIV survivor, Bullock has never been shy about his sexuality, and he actually learned he had the virus during the final season of Too Close For Comfort. I often wonder if Monroe never chased women because they felt the audience wouldn't believe it OR if Monroe was actually as gay a character as network TV was willing to allow at the time.

Here's where I wanted to talk about Joey Gladstone from Full House. I've always had a problem with Full House because I don't know why Danny Tanner puts up with all those freeloaders. Seriously, Joey wasn't a blood relative, and it seemed like they were helping him more than he was helping them. Also, when you get married, it's time to move out. When you have a baby, it's time to move out. When you become a DJ, it's time to move out. You do NOT move into the attic, expand said attic, or install a studio in the basement. As you see, though, most of my problems were actually with Jesse - Joey was just along for the ride. Plus, any theories about Joey were dispelled by Wolfgnards's excellent takedown of what was really going on in the Tanner household.

So, we've gone over just a few examples here. There are others who fit the mold (Dexter on Silver Spoons, Ralph Simpson on Gimme A Break!, etc), while others don't (Charley Dietz on Empty Nest). In fact, speaking of Charley, he's indicative of what happened later on in the decade. Played by "Joe Isuzu" actor David Leisure, Charlie was an oversexed douchebag, much like a real-life version of Family Guy's Quagmire. In the latter half of the decade, most of the "Who's That Guy?" characters would follow this path, as womanizing cads with little moral character. If psychology tells you anything, these guys are actually more likely to have issues dealing with their sexuality than the characters like Jerry and Monroe. But this has already gotten too cerebral, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna actually use my degree for a blog post!  Can you think of any other characters who fit the mold? Am I way off base here? Do you just want me to hurry up and talk about comics and toys again? Stay tuned!

Anyway, I tend to focus on toys and collectibles, but I thought I'd show a more practical application for thrifting. Sure a lot of people use thrifting to find collectibles and goods to resell, but others use it simply to survive. Their clothes, furnishings, etc come from thrifting, either because of financial constraints or the simple fact that they know a good deal when they see one. I like to think I'm a little of column A and a little of column B. So, I thought I'd show you a few of the ways that thrifting has added to my living space.

 First up, we have this full length mirror. I actually rescued this thing from next to the dumpster at my old apartment. I'm pretty sure that it was once part of a dresser or something, but this was all that I found. Now, I know that you can buy a full-length mirror from Target for about $9, but this thing is QUALITY. It's solid wood and heavy as Hell, so it has lived on the floor most of the time that I've owned it. Seriously, I've had it almost 3 years, and we JUST hung it on the wall last month. Prior to that, you could only really see how you looked from the neck down.

Lindsay's really into wine & wine decor, so we knew that my comic posters and figure displays would have to be balanced with something a bit...classier. Luckily, her stuff got banished to the kitchen! Everything you see in those pictures was thrifted. I got it all from yard sales and thrift stores, at different times. Basically, if I saw something wine-themed, I'd get it. It was only by chance and my keen eye that we were able to tie it all together into a configuration that makes sense.

This wine rack? Found in the trash room of Lindsay's old apartment. Not IN the trash (I haven't gotten to the dumpster diving level of thrifting...yet), but just in the room of stuff folks didn't want anymore. Her old roommate, Dave, actually found it and thought I might want it. He thought right!

Speaking of Dave, he also gave us this bookshelf when Lindsay was moving out. He didn't have room for it, and it was just heading for the aforementioned trash room. "One man's trash..." So, it has now become the home of Lindsay's Mighty Muggs collection. I may not have gotten her into comics, but I've found other ways to infect her with the collecting bug. Just the collecting bug, though. Honest! I got tested and everything.

As you've probably noticed, a lot of our thrifted goods end up in the kitchen. It doesn't get more "kitchen" than the kitchen table. So, a little backstory: my mom plays Bingo every week at the local McDonalds. Don't laugh - she's 73 and can do whatever the Hell she wants! Anyway, one of her Bingo buddies is a master thrifter. He drives around a weird unmarked van, filled with stuff he's found and wants to share. Every now and then, he'll invite her out to his van to choose stuff. Hey...wait a minute...this guy is gonna be my new daddy, isn't he?!! But I digress, he always come across the best stuff. For instance, she got a refrigerator from him for $80, which was just really the cost of moving it. Now that I think of it, yup, he's definitely trying to be my new daddy. I'm not gonna mention the fact  that the fridge didn't really keep stuff cold, and food would grow mold within 7 days; that would just taint the magic of the tale. Anyway, Mommy's Special Friend came across this table in a house that was being torn down. We were looking for a kitchen table, and the comparable IKEA model was about $170. This table: $25, and that included the chairs!

My mom actually got Lindsay this microwave when she moved into her first apartment a few years back. I believe she got it from an estate sale, for about $5. They don't make 'em like this anymore! You could put a whole baby in there. And I'm not talking about some preemie - I'm talking about one as fat as that cigarette-smoking baby from the news! Mmmm....smoked baby.

OK, this one is a bit hard to make out, so you'll probably need to do some clicky and make it biggie. I came across this in a new thrift store at the end of the summer. It really caught my eye, and I thought it was a steal at $7, just for the size alone. It takes up a good portion of the wall as you enter the apartment, and we'd been looking for something to put there. So, what is it? Well, it's an American flag, although it has the words to Barack Obama's "Yes We Can" speech written in the white stripes. Also, the stars have been replaced with "Yes We Can"s. I'm not about to get all political on here, and that's really not the point. It's meaningful because Lindsay and I officially became a couple on Election Night 2008. We, as well as a good portion of the country, were swept up in Obama Fever, and regardless of thoughts on the 1%, Obamacare, or longform birth certificates, this piece of art constantly reminds me of where we started. *studio audience awwws*

Anyway, that's this week's TJ post. It wasn't quite a look at the West Cave, but I don't know if I'll ever get it clean enough for pictures, anyway. I just wanted to show you that my thrifting isn't all about toys and comics, and that I also use my powers for practical uses from time to time. OK, seriously, next TJ will be that YSE post I've been promising, where I go into a lot of my recent thrift FAILS.

So, last week Apple revealed the iPhone 4s which, while fancier than the current iPhone 4, wasn't the iPhone 5 that all the tech heads had been expecting. One of the best features of this new phone, however, is the addition of Siri - an artificially intelligent personal assistant. You can tell Siri to send emails, check the weather and perform searches - all via voice commands. Of course, Android owners started wondering if there was a similar program for their operating system. As a new convert to the Android way of life, I checked the review sites, and came across Voice Actions. While not as advanced as Siri, Voice Notes still accomplishes many of the same tasks through user voice interface. I'm of the belief that you should know your enemy, so I decided to familiarize myself with Voice Notes before the uprising of our robot overlords. By asking a series of questions, I began to learn more about Voice Actions' capabilities.

Q: "What's your name?"

A: "My name is Jeannie."

Yeah, this default name wasn't going to fly, as it just made me think of Major Nelson and all those old ass space capsules. As an aside, do y'all realize that Major Nelson and Jeanine "lived in sin" for the fist five seasons? I guess it was kosher, since she was a genie and more property than person, but I still find that odd. Anyway, I digress. I wanted my AI to have a cooler, more personalized name. It came down to D.E.C.A. (bonus points for anyone who gets that reference) and Oracle. I settled on Oracle, and made the change in the settings.

Now that we had the formalities out of the way, I jumped right in for the juicy stuff:

Q: "Where do babies come from?"

A: "Babies are the live young born to mammals, need extended care by the mother after birth, so that their bodies can complete their development. Ideally, babies are the result of a sexual union between two parents who love each other."

I get the feeling that Focus on the Family snuck in that last sentence. Clearly, Oracle has never processed an episode of Maury!

Then, I wanted to test its political knowledge.

Q: "Who is Barack Obama?"

I was kinda hoping for some Birther nonsense, or maybe some juicy tidbit that only the machines might know.

A: "Barack Hussein Obama II, born August 4, 1961 - the 44th and current President of the United States."

I had no clue he was a sequel!

Hmm...I want more.

Q: "Who killed John F. Kennedy?"

As you might expect, I wanted an answer like "The Viet Cong" or "ancient ninja warriors". Again, I wanted info that only the machines might know. Instead I got:

A: "Lee Harvey Oswald, 1938 minus 1963 - the American activist and accused assassin."

Ya see, I'd never heard of Oswald as an "activist" before, and it was kinda interesting how Oracle said "accused assassin". I think she knows something. Also, it was kinda funny how Oracle interpreted the dash as "minus".

I was already bored of the political stuff, as Oracle wasn't quenching my thirst for conspiracy theories. I circled back around to the good stuff.

Q: "Does size matter?"

This is where things got interesting. Up until this point, Oracle had just been responding via voice, but now "she" only answered via text.

A: "It does now "

Yes, "she" cryptically replied back in a flirty way, and included a winky emoticon! Shit's about to get weird!

I decided to test Oracle's true capabilities.

Q: Which one of Charlie's Angels had the biggest breasts?"

Oracle was stumped. Suddenly, I was requested to clarify my question, as I was given a menu with several choices:

1) Which one of Charlie's Angels had the biggest breast?

2) Which one of Charlie's Angels had the biggest breasts?

#1 got me curious, as I wondered if one of Jaclyn Smith's tits was larger than the other. I think Oracle just misheard me, though, so I chose #2. That just opened up a Google search with a bunch of fanfic. I wasn't satisfied with this, so I asked again.

Q: "Which one of Charlie's Angels had the biggest breasts?"

A: "The last one, I think."

What the Hell kind of answer is that?! Have I finally found Oracle's weakness? Is this how we will defeat the machines? Apparently, artificial intelligence, like men, is weakened by BREASTS! The Playmates and Hooters girls are our last line of defense! The war must be fought in the strip clubs, sorority houses, and amateur wet t-shirt contests of the world!

As you can see, it was a run of the mill toy haul. Still, let's take a closer look at what I got:

First up, we've got Apocalypse from the Super Hero Squad toyline. Basically, he's the same scale as the Spider-Man and Friends line - Marvel heroes in the Rescue Heroes scale for younger kids. These, along with Mattel's Super Friends, came out while I was working at Toys "R" Us, but I just couldn't bring myself to pay retail for these things that were clearly made for preschoolers. I have no problem, however, paying $1 for them.

Isn't he the cutest little genocidal maniac you ever saw? I think I want to give Apocalypse a hug!

Remember how I mentioned Super Friends? Of course you do - it was just a few inches higher on the page! Anyway, here's Lex Luthor from that line.

And the Spider-Man and Friends line? Yeah, this is Spidey #3. I also have a quick-change Peter Parker and a shiny suit Spidey.

So clearly I'm addicted to "toys made for preschoolers". This is a new low for me. You see all these guys? I've acquired them all over the course of the last month. Still, never paying more than $1 for any figure, I don't feel too bad about it. Hell, they're so cute that I'm even mixing universes, and I'm a staunch comic segregationist!

I'm always fascinated by the wear and damage that I find on some toys. While a lot of stuff is in pretty good condition, there are also many items that look like they've been to Hell and back. What the Hell did they do to Raphael's foot? Were they reenacting Roots? Sure, he was a dick, but DAMN!

This, my friends, is a Nerf scope. As my twitter followers know, I'm slowly building a Nerf militia. Ya see, I wasn't allowed to have toy guns when I was growing up. The closest things I had were the Nintendo Zapper and an old hair dryer that didn't work. So, when I struck out on my own, as a man, one of the first things I bought was the Nerf Nite-Finder. That didn't quench my foam lust, however. Luckily, my lovely girlfriend (Lindsay/@specialEteacher for y'all playing along at home), got me the Nerf Raider for Christmas last year. This was soon followed by the Maverick, Long Shot, and Recon. And another Long Shot. Basically, if I found one at a yard sale or thrift store, I bought it. They all had a tactical rail for adding scopes, but you can't find them in stores or the Hasbro website any longer. So, imagine my joy when I spotted this baby sticking out of the stuffed animal bin at a thrift shop! Lawdy, lawdy I can see! Anyway, got this baby for 69 cents!

Well, that's enough rambling from me. I took more pictures, but I'll save those for the next post.

Considering the Twitter Whore that I've become, it's hard to imagine a time when I wasn't into social networking. This week, however, forced me to take a look back, as I learned that Friendster would be switching over from social networking to a gaming format. Many of you probably started your social networking with MySpace (or maybe Black Planet), but I started with Friendster back in '04. That was such an odd time, as I remember I actually had to beg people to check it out and sign up. Nowadays, you get comfortable with a person, and the next thing is "I'll friend you on Facebook." Back then, I engaged in a lot of conversations that began with "Well, what is it?" or "Doesn't that Classmates.com site do that?" Friendster had a small following amongst my meager social circle, but I saw big things in its future - or so I thought.

Eventually, I amassed about 50 or so friends - laughable by today's social media standard, but quite an accomplishment for the time. Unlike the MySpace model, where you might end up friends with a bunch of strangers, these were 50 people that I actually knew from some walk of life. An interesting thing was that Friendster introduced the Wall concept on your profile. People have no problem throwing up a random "What's up?!" or "Call me back, bitch!" on someone's Facebook wall, but Friendster people seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the concept back then. It was called "Comments and Testimonials", and people seemed to take that last word to heart. Most of the stuff on my wall (all 7 messages) read like something someone would write in my high school yearbook. Friendster eventually added more features which were already commonplace on MySpace and Facebook, like photo tagging, but most people had moved on from the site by then. I, too, had moved on to Myspace and, later, Facebook, but I'd still get messages from Friendster, saying "We Miss You" or telling me some random spam skank had sent me a message. It got to the point where I eventually forgot my password, and never really looked back.

This week, I got an email telling me that I'd need to export any personal profile data I might want to keep, as Friendster was switching over to a gaming format and would be deleting profile info. It was like hearing that an old friend with whom you'd lost touch was now dying. In any case, I decided I should take one last look around to see if anything was worth saving.

The layout's already been changed, so Lord only knows what's already been deleted. Plus, I'm apparently single. Last I knew, I was still "in a relationship" back when I last cared about that profile. Then again, that was back in '05, and it wasn't a very memorable relationship anyway, so...

Looking at the pictures, I apparently only had three uploaded to the system. I didn't have many digital pictures back then, and I learned how to remove ex-girlfriends from pictures I had (Those were my best pictures, and it made no sense for me to have to get rid of them 'cause some broad made a stupid decision!). Nothing worth saving out of those three, so farewell visual representation of 2003/2004 Will!

Next, I move on to the messages. Apparently, there are 63 messages, but 95% of them are spam chicks. "Melissa", "Sara", "Jennifer", etc - all sending me messages like "sjhsd ghfhd fs" while using the same avatar. No real loss there. Then, I go back to the first page. My first message was from my friend Tarek. I guess he invited me, as it's one of those form letters that begins with "Welcome" and explains how the site works. Huh. I guess I forgot about that. In fact, it looks like most of my messages from those days are from Tarek. Kinda sad, seeing as how we don't talk as much anymore. Then, I see a message from someone named "Alicia". from Fredricksburg, VA. It seems she wrote "i love ur smile, it's sexi." That was nice of her. I hope she didn't die in a meth lab explosion or anything.  Still, nothing worth saving there, either.

In all, there's nothing very memorable about the whole Friendster experience. I remember trying to get people to join, and looking forward to messages, but that experience didn't stand the test of time. All of that was replaced by glitter backgrounds and pokes. And one day, those won't mean anything, either - especially considering MySpace is up for sale, and Facebook is more concerned with becoming Skynet. I remember enjoying Friendster, but looking back, there doesn't seem like there was much to enjoy. It all just seems so...empty. Is that how I'm going to feel about Farmville one day? God, PLEASE tell me that's not how I'm gonna feel about Farmville! In any case, I'm getting bummed out, so I'd better stop here. So long, Friendster. I'll catch ya on the flipside, see ya at the crossroads, after 'while crocodile, and all that other good shit. You were a fun whore at the time, but your pimp is blowing up your pager, and I've left your money on the nightstand. Thanks for the memories.

The beauty of writing these things when I do is that I get to miss the hype that accompanies the initial release. At that point, everybody's writing about it and you run the risk of having your own opinion tainted by what you end up reading in those reviews. I read a lot of articles dedicated to this particular storyline, but luckily I no longer remember most of them. What I do remember is that most people hated the story, which sounds about right seeing as how most comic fans hate everything.

The Archie Wedding: Archie In "Will You Marry Me?" collects the eight-part headline making storyline where the ambivalent teenager finally puts an end to the 70 year old question: "Betty or Veronica?" The catch, however, is that he chooses both. Using a plot device that finds Archie walking up Memory Lane instead of down, he ends up getting a glimpse of his own future. Framed around Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken", Archie first chooses the path on the left, which shows him what his life would be like if he were to marry Veronica.

The Veronica Marriage turns out to be nowhere near as bad as I would've thought going into it. Considering Veronica has behaved like a spoiled bitch most of her existence, I expected her to make Archie's life a living Hell. Instead, however, it seems that the marriage and partnership between Archie and Ronnie turns her into a kinder person, and they become a stronger unit for it. Mr Lodge sees potential in Archie, giving him a prestigious corporate job. Archie and Ronnie have twins. Archie, who next to Dick Clark is America's oldest teenager, *gasps* becomes a responsible husband and father.

The thing I found funny about the whole affair is that up to the very point of proposal, the entire town had no clue which way he would go. Even Archie's own parents only figured it out because the bank called to verify the amount of the check he had cashed to buy the ring, which indicated to them that he had chosen Veronica. There's no indication that their relationship had really grown in the "missing years", and it had the same impact as if he had simply proposed in high school.

After putting his twins to bed, Archie takes another stroll up Memory Lane, and ends up taking the other path. At this point, he finds himself back at the day of his college graduation, and he realizes that his future with Ronnie hadn't (hasn't?) happened. Here's where things seemed a bit fucked up to me. You see, at the graduation afterparty, all signs point to Archie choosing Veronica. He even pulls her aside to talk with her, but she blows him off because all she can talk about is the European trip she's about to embark upon. It's at this moment that he realizes he'll never fit into her jet set world. So, he slinks away from her only to cross the room and promptly propose to Betty. See, in the Veronica story, he was genuinely in love with Ronnie, but in the Betty story, he's still in love with Ronnie, but *settles* for Betty. What a great foundation on which to build a marriage!

Archie's parents seem bewildered by his choice. They were excited when it was Veronica, but freak out when it's Betty. I think Mr & Mrs Andrews might've been a bunch of golddiggers. Also, Archie and Betty have no money, so their wedding is a small affair at Pop's, while he and Ronnie had a media circus of a wedding. Once the festivities are over, Archie finds himself jobless, while Betty has a jr executive position waiting in New York. They move to the Big Apple, where Archie becomes a struggling musician, while Betty succeeds in the corporate world. He's pretty miserable, which is only made worse one night when he's berated by one of Betty's superiors. Standing by her man, she tells off her boss, quits her job, and they move back to Riverdale. Gradually, things get a little better, as Betty begins teaching at Riverdale High, where Archie becomes the new music teacher. They both flourish in their new roles, and go on to have twins.

There are a lot of problems with this storyline, but the main one is that it's simply not fun. Now, I realize that times have changed. While the comics do quite well in Europe, American children no longer grow up regularly reading Archie. That said, the books are still being published for that audience, yet this particular series clearly wasn't written with children in mind. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to know who is the target audience for the book. The general tone of it is "adulthood sucks". There's no real silver lining, nor is there an awesome ending. Give this thing to an emo teen, and he would promptly commit suicide, as its view on life is pretty bleak. If the book was geared towards adult Archie fans, then it's still a slap in the face, as it serves as a mirror of their own mundane lives. It's Archie's lowest creative point since the time when he was featured in those Spire Christian Comics.

I now realize the story isn't over, as this miniseries just served as a set-up to continued over time. There's a new Life With Archie: The Married Life magazine which follows the adventures of Married Archie, both with Veronica and Betty. I just don't know who would want to read more. It's depressing, almost like certain Family Circle or Funky Winkerbean strips. For example, it's just been revealed that Ms Grundy will succumb to cancer in an upcoming issue. Why?!! That's like giving Mr. Belding Alzheimer's?! Who the fuck wants to see that? This story is tailor made for the same people who always watched those Brady Bunch reunion movies. You know, where Bobby has a race car accident and Jan's getting separated from her husband? It's continuity porn for the mundane, and it never needed to exist.

I LOVE a good future tale, especially if there's a chance that it might be the "definitive" future, but you use that format as an opportunity to take some chances! Say that Archie and Veronica tour the world as a Sonny & Cher-esque spin-off of The Archies. Say that Archie and Betty are saving pandas or some shit. Do NOT give Archie a 9 to 5 and a minivan!

I'm sure somebody out there was glad to see this, but I'm certainly not one of them. Then again, I want to think there's more a more colorful future for Archie than the boring-ass shit depicted in this story. I did, however, like that Archie seemed to choose Veronica in both cases. Sure, it's not balanced, but everyone loves a good bitch. Plus, you just know that Betty gets fat.

Two years ago today, we went on our first date. She was a pretty cool chick, and she didn't murder me - which is always a plus! Anyway, I met her that night and haven't left her side (2 years is a long time in Adult World!). They've been the best 2 years of my life, and I just want her to know how much I love her. Plus, this whole thing is FREE, so it gets me off the hook for a gift. Bazinga!

By this point, we've covered how I found comics, how I came to love comics, as well as the memories and experience they provided. Back in Origin Zeo, I mentioned the time I discovered the sense of community that surrounds comic books. That might sound lame to some, but it is almost like a family in itself. We rarely agree on anything, but we'll defend the medium to the bitter end. For me, comics have been an important means of social outreach. I'm a bit introverted, though you might not think so, what with me having a blog named after myself and all. I'm actually pretty shy, so I don't just put myself out there to make friends. I will say, however, that most of my enduring friendships have been the result of my love of comics.

When I was in middle school, I attended a school for 6 weeks before we all realized that it wasn't "the right fit". I ended up enrolling in public school (for the first time, mind you), 6 weeks into the semester. It was hard enough being the new kid, but it was even harder being the late new kid. As dorky as I was, I didn't get beaten up or anything, but I can't say I had any friends, either. That all changed when I noticed a kid from my church, and we found ourselves talking about X-Men and Power Rangers. That kid was Brett King, and that conversation led to 10 years where we dissected X-Men developments, and debated new Zord combinations. We traded Marvel Masterpieces, created our own battles with our action figures, and even attended Professor Xavier's funeral together (it was an event sponsored by a local mall). Up through college, he was truly my best friend, and it was all built on the foundation of a shared love of comics. I don't know how I would've survived that period without him.

Once I got to college, I met James Lamb. To call him "interesting" or "complex" wouldn't even come close to describing the man, as he's an enigma. Passionately political one minute, and hardcore Marvel fanboy the next.  He's gonna kill me for this, but he's basically an amalgam of Malcolm X and Stan Lee ("Excelsior, crackers!"). I always tell people that I majored in "A Cappella", as that was my primary focus while in school. Sad, but true. When I wasn't singing, however, I was with James, discussing the nuances of "Hush" and "The Age of Apocalypse". Once we both graduated, and found that we weren't the Captains of Industry that the world expected us to be, we had MANY 4 AM conversations where the topics would range from Jason Todd to Jim Crow. Those conversations kept me sane in my years as a "boomerang kid", back living in the room in which I'd grown up.

Eventually, I found myself actually living the dream, when I was hired by Diamond Comic Distributors as a Purchasing Brand Manager. Basically, we created Previews - the catalog that all comic shops use to place their orders. My job was to gather information for a particular part of the catalog, while also seeking out new "small press" creators who might have projects that they'd like to have promoted to retailers.

Diamond was a great opportunity, as it allowed me to learn the other side of comics. Up to this point, I had simply been a reader/fan/collector, but now I was working alongside creators/publishers/newcomers. I had some great experiences, like hanging out with a former Batman editor, being starstruck at SDCC, and even being drawn into a comic. I felt honored by the opportunity, but I also met some great people from that job.  Jim Kuhoric: all-around good guy/comic creator (and greatest boss). Steve Leaf: the fanboy I'd like to be when I grow up. Jay Spence: the filmmaker who's the gonna be the next Kevin Smith. Then, there's one fellow who's gonna need his own paragraph.

When I first met Keith Davidsen, I didn't quite know what to make of him. He seemed to be vying for the "class clown" position, which made me a bit competitive, as that's the slot I like to have. There was no rivalry, however, as we ended up as a pretty good duo. I can't even remember our first "adventure", as we basically lived at Diamond. We've had craziness from San Diego to Miami, but it's all based on a shared love of comics. Nobody loves 90s comic gimmicks like this guy. Rob Liefeld, Ghost Rider, X-Force - they were all created for Keith Davidsen. Since these were prevalent when I was getting into comics, it's almost like we grew up in the same town, but went to different schools. For the better part of 5 years, he has been one of my best friends, and that's all traced back to comics.

After comics, I worked at one of the (allegedly) shittiest companies ever, where we were all basically telemarketers. Under the guise of "research associate", I dealt with a lot of people who begged me to stop harassing them. My God, did I hate that place! Anyway, I had one real friend there, and wouldn't you know, he was a comic fan: Jason Larbi. While this analogy might offend an actual veteran, working at that place was akin to being in battle, and Jason was right there in the trenches with me. Whether we were discussing "Old Man Logan", or he was trying to make me believe he had found a copy of Amazing Fantasy #15 in his alley, he was the only thing that got me through the day. That was also the saddest part about leaving that place: I got discharged on Section 8, while he's still in the fight.

I'd also can't forget about Toys "R" Us. While I've written about it quite a bit, I worked at that place for 10 years. My first store was full of characters, but it wasn't until I got to the Columbia store that I actually made friends. Once that happened, it didn't even feel like "work". Sure, it got rough during summer and right before Christmas, but most of the time it was just like hanging out at a friend's house - except you wore a uniform, there were shelves, and strangers were constantly going in and out of the place. Anyway, I looked forward to going, and discussing Batman Begins and Iron Man with Amy, "Special Forces", Patty, and the late, great Lenny. I really should have quit that place years before I did, but I kept going back for the camaraderie and the geeky atmosphere. It was my Geek Barbershop.

At the end of the day, what I've been trying to say here is that comics have been my gateway for the past 18 years. Whether as a form of entertainment, or as a source for conversation fodder, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have them in my life. Some people might think it's sad, but everybody's got something. I just wanted to let you guys in on what comics have meant, specifically, to me. They started out as just "something to read", but later turned into an instrument in the creation of a make-believe family, which eventually gave way to be replaced by a surrogate, comic reading family. We get a bad rap as anti-social nerdlings, but I think that's incorrect. Comic fans are some of the most social people I've ever encountered. In some cases, they might even be too social. That said, there is an almost overwhelming sense of community that surrounds comics, and I think that's a big part of their charm. Just like you can strike up a conversation with the guy wearing the McNabb jersey, I can do that with someone I see reading DMZ. For example, I recently started a job at a school, and one of the principals is a comic fan. We often have conversations about Wolverine or Walking Dead. Just another example of how pervasive the community can be.

This is the first time I've ever taken a look back over the course of my comic fandom. It was certainly more emotional than I ever thought it would be, but it included some stories that I'm glad I've had the opportunity to tell. Taking it all in, it's clear that comics have been very influential in my life, and I can't wait to see where they take me next. Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me.

Comics as escapism - this is a concept that is always bandied about when people try to explain the notion of collecting & reading comics. Supposedly, we read superhero comics because they take us out of our day to day lives, and might even inspire us to greatness, as we observe acts of heroism. I don't discount any of this, but I know that, for me, I enjoyed the escapism that the hobby provided me. This is going to get into a lot of family stuff, and may not be as action-packed as the other stuff, but there is a point here. Trust me.

So, we already covered that my mom had me late in life, but it should also be said that my father passed away from an aneurysm when I was three. So, I tell people that I was raised by the Black Golden Girls: Mommy, Muddear, and the Aunts. Being a single mother, my mom was at work most of the time, so I spent most of my time with Muddear, hence the Alabama trips and whatnot. Then, around 1993, something changed.

To go even further back, my mom had been married before. This is actually a bit of an odd story. She got married when she was 26, to a guy named Fred West. He was a bit of a cad, but their marriage lasted about 14 years. When it ended, she said that she was never changing her name again. She eventually met my father, Willie West, who was not related to Fred. So, she got to keep that name-change promise.

In any case, I bring up Fred because he resurfaced around 1993. You see, he had time to think about what he had done (whatever that may have been), and he decided that he wanted her back. Since he had "con man tendencies" about him, he knew how to get to people. He realized that the best way to get to her was through me. Now, this isn't a standard "creepy stepdad/mom's boyfriend" kind of thing. I LOVED him. He was a really fun guy. It was hard for me to think he could've done anything wrong, and he genuinely seemed to care about me.

So, how does this relate to comics? Well, he used to SHOWER me with toys and comics. Of course it was in order to curry favor with my mom, but I would have these free-for-all days, where he would pick me up in the morning, and we would hit 4 comic shops, 3 Toys R Us stores, and a McDonalds. Even though I've exhibited the whole "I'm asking for this just to see if I can get it" behavior, it wasn't like that here. We'd get in the car, and he'd ask, "So, where to today, buddy?" This was how I learned about comic shops and the back-issue market, as I was always looking for new places for us to go. This took place during the summer, so we'd make these runs about 2 or 3 times a week. Honestly, it got to the point where I had run out of shops and things to buy.

These Fred Sprees were fruitful, as they taught me about local comic stores, like Geppi's Comic World and Barbarian Books. I also had my introduction to back issues, as I tried to catch up with what the characters had been doing before I got into comics. Geppi's used to have these $5 grab bags, where you'd just end up with the worst comics. I didn't know that then, of course. They ALL seemed cool to me, even if it was a Crystar comic from the 80s, or Moon Knight #27. I loved those grab bags because they taught me about other types of books on the market, and they all seemed like these ancient treasures. Even if they were just 10 years old, they felt like these relics from forgotten times. I loved seeing the ads for canceled cartoons and failed breakfast cereals. I also realized that many of them didn't also didn't end in one issue, but that just gave me something to search for next time. The seeds were being planted for my love of The Hunt. I was beginning to see comics as things to be collected, and as I had already learned from the Happy Meal toys, I'm a bit addicted to collecting.

*Not actual family. I wasn't that lame.

Anyway, as this was going on, there was a period where we were almost like a nuclear family. Sure, the aunts and Muddear were still around, but Fred would come by and take Mommy and me to dinner. We'd be in a booth at the Hot Shoppe (that's for you MD/DC folks!), and I'd be reading an old copy of All-Star Squadron, as they laughed at some joke he just told. I liked that, as it was something I had never had before, but had always seen on TV. It was like I had a mom and a dad, and we were all just happy together.

So, eventually my mom put a stop to the Fred Sprees because she really didn't think he had changed, and she didn't want to give him false hope. There was no need for him to waste all his money on comics and toys if it was going to be in vain. Fred stuck around for a while, but he finally moved to Virginia. He died a few years ago, from Alzheimers. I could tell he wasn't necessarily "all there" back in the day, but that was part of his charm. Just another reason I loved him.

So, when I think of "comics as escapism", I'm not thinking of how cool it would be to be Batman, or what it must be like to live in Metropolis. I fondly think back to the time when I had what society considers a "family", and how much I liked that feeling. It was fleeting, but comics were there for the whole thing. I can look at a copy of All-Star Squadron now, and it all comes back to me. Maybe that's more accurately "comics as nostalgia", but isn't nostalgia just escapism from the present? Next time, I wrap this all up and bring us to the present.