I was so proud of myself when this came on the radio this morning, and I remembered the rap from 18 years ago!
It has been a week, hasn’t it? At least it feels like it to me. I guess it’s because I started it with a bit of a subtweeted post in the Monday Musings. Most people have guessed who that was about, but I’ve got more than one “e-nemy”. I mean, think of whose podcasts I haven’t been on yet, and you’re getting warmer…I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about that, though. I’ve made some good friends online, and I really cherish that. From daily emails, to daily tweets, that’s the good part of all this, so I can’t let a few ne’er do wells ruin a good thing! Anyway, this is a pop culture site, so, let’s get it started!
Speaking of online friends, I’ve been meaning to talk about the host/producer of the UnderScoopFire! and MadCast podcasts, Corey Chapman. This guy is a runner, and he’s constantly posting stats like “Ran 14 miles today”. While some folks might be haters, I consider him an inspiration. Believe it or not, I used to run. Not competitively, but just for fun. Back in college, my friend Eric and I would run to Wegmans at 2 in the morning, just for shits and giggles (I needed him there or else I’d just look like a black dude who stole something). Anyway, I enjoyed that running, and years later, I found myself dating someone who decided to run a marathon…out of nowhere. I mean, if you saw her, “marathon” was not the word that would come to mind. But I’d run with her, and help her train for those marathons. They say that a good chunk of the marathon is in your head, and I’ve just never felt like I was “there”, psychologically. Still, I was talking to my boss yesterday, and doing the math, realized I’ve probably gained 80 lbs over the past 10 years. I’m 31 and on high blood pressure medicine. So, something has to change. It’ll be a slow process, but I want to try running again. Nobody “in real life” wants to run with me. I won’t be posting 14 miles anytime soon, but I kinda hope I can look to Corey as a virtual “run buddy” as I slowly get back to where I was before. That, my friends, is the power of social media.
Buy something from my store! I’m not begging here, but the hustle is gettin’ kinda hectic! I’ve never been blown off as much from Craigslisters as I have in the past week. Buy this shit so I don’t have to meet a stranger in a dark parking lot!
I’ve written about it before, but I made a realization this week: if I only read one comic a month, it would be Ultimate Spider-Man. Wait, I guess I mean Ultimate Comics Spider-Man. I know a lot of people don’t focus on the Ultimate Universe because it’s not the “real” Marvel, but it’s so damn good. If you haven’t read it, just go back to the introduction of Miles Morales. Don’t even bother with all the Peter Parker stuff. So damn good. BTW, I’m still trying to teach myself to love the digital medium for comics. I’m getting there, thanks to a wonderful gift from @Ponderiss, but if you’ve got any unused digital codes, send them my way!
Some weird stuff’s been going on that I feel funny for telling you, but I need content filler. Lately, I’ve been going to places that I’ve been to only in dreams. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. For example, I had a dream a few weeks back where I was in some weird banquet hall. Fast forward to last Sunday’s Mother’s Day brunch – IT WAS AT THE SAME HALL!!! I’ve never been to that place in my life, but the layout was the same and everything. Plus, randomly enough, a few nights ago I had a dream that I got a really shitty tattoo on my shin probably after playing hacky sack at a Dave Matthews Band concert). Then, a few days later, I found myself in a tattoo parlour. Sure, I wasn’t getting a tattoo (it was a Craigslist deal), but the timing was really weird. Anyway, I sold them some Star Wars figures that they’re gonna display in the shop. They let me take pics of what they already had.
Just a random pic of Paige Davis. Nothing to see here…
I briefly toyed with the idea of a West Weekette, but then I remembered that I like sleeping in my bed…
Links I Loved
Head over the DoubleDumbassOnYou and read ALL of their Star Trek Week posts. Trust me! Here are links, so you have no excuse!
Also, this was the first week that I participated in Thriftasaurus over at Sir Thrift A Lot’s site. It’s a weekly link party for thrifters, and hopefully I can get some more eyes on the Thrift Justice posts. Head over there and check it out!
One lost their shit on Facebook after a poor showing on Kitchen Nightmares, while the other’s gonna need a new job, dawg. One is a Kardashian minor who has triggered several “countdown” sites, while the others had their televised swan song last night. Only one, however, had the West Week Ever.
Ah, The Office. In recent years, the show has been “Simpsonized”, with everyone claiming “It’s not as good as it used to be!” I disagree. While most felt it should’ve ended with Steve Carell’s departure, I disagree. If anything, Michael stayed too long. It was great to see how the workplace evolved in his absence. We got to see the “Nard Dogg” in the manager role, we saw an alliance and friendship bloom between Jim and Dwight, and characters like Darrell got more of the spotlight. The Office did NOT end with Michael Scott, and it’s too bad most people didn’t realize that. Sure, this past season was a chore at points, but these were still people we had come to know and love. Look at your own life – your real friends aren’t always doing something interesting, and they probably tell stories you don’t care to hear, either. That’s how it was with this show. Still, through all that, it ended strong. Last night’s finale was true to what the show was about, and everyone got a fitting sendoff. If I had one problem with it, it’s that I don’t feel NBC really showed its appreciation. The show carried Thursday night for YEARS, yet it didn’t even get a real credits roll (as pointed out by @zacshipley). Instead of going out with its autonomy, the credits were highjacked by a promo for Hannibal. Plus, I mentioned this on Twitter, but it needs to be repeated: in years past, when a long-running show ended, the network would post a card after the credits that said something like “Thank You For All The Years of Making Us Laugh”. I always thought that was a classy gesture, and it tended to bring a tear to my eye for certain shows. To my knowledge, Married…with Children was the last show to get that distinction. I feel like The Office certainly deserved something like that, and it was a shame that it didn’t come to pass. I know they got the retrospective special, but this is a different animal to me. So, thanks for all the laughs, guys. This is why The Office had the West Week Ever.
So, I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but I’m on what my pal Howie calls a “Twitter Diet”. I’m not sure if it’s the new meds, or if it’s just me by myself, but a few bad apples have spoiled the bunch. I’ve had a few experiences in the past few weeks that may seem petty to some, but they were enough to just make me take a moment and deal with other stuff rather than quip about titties and Power Rangers 32 times a day.
It all started about 2 weeks ago when a follower said that something I said about Iron Man 3 was a “silly question”. For the record, I said that it’s hard to go from the galaxy-spanning majesty of Avengers to the grounded Iron Man 3. While this is essentially a plot point, my argument was that Avengers opened a can of worms by bolstering the shared universe. It’s not out of the question to say, “Hey, the president’s in trouble, so where’s Captain America?” People online wanted to say that’s a trope of all comics, and the answer is generally “He’s dealing with his own shit.” I get that, but you’ve still got S.H.I.E.L.D. as a lynchpin of the whole universe, and there’s no mention of them whatsoever. I think that’s a glaring oversight in a movie that had other things I could easily forgive yet others could not.
Anyway, this follower was the Queen of the Misanthropes, and trying to have any sort of conversation with her is a chore. Everything sets her off, and she prides herself on shit like how she once basically knocked over an old lady on the sidewalk. Needless to say, she’s not the sweetest belle at the ball. My comment was to no one directly, but she decided to come out of the woodwork to call my observation “silly” and patted herself on the back. I could’ve been like, “Bitch, I know more about comics than you realize”, but I could still accept a differing viewpoint. Just don’t condescendingly call me silly when I’ve had to put up with tons of shit, from how she hates her coworkers, to her fitness progress. I’ve never called her silly, though I probably should’ve unfollowed her long ago. She’s essentially the female version of a follower I already had, and two was a certainly a crowd. People always laugh when I say this, but when you get deep into the world of social media, politics take over. You can’t unfollow people ’cause they’re friends with your friends, and then group conversations now have a glaring hole in them. She took the initiative and blocked me, which was a relief. Even if temporary, I don’t have to deal with that anymore, nor do I have to strategize how to get rid of her. It’s the age old trick of getting your girlfriend to dump you so you don’t have to do it. I used to be EXCELLENT at that. So, that was strike one.
Next, I had a bit of a tete-a-tete with black commentator Roland Martin. I only watch TV One for Martin reruns, so I really don’t know much about what he does. I just know A) he got in trouble for somewhat homophobic remarks after the Super Bowl and B) he has his own line of ascots. Anyway, I’m gonna blame @Classickmateria for this, as I probably wouldn’t even have noticed this had he not retweeted it. Martin has since deleted the exchange, but luckily Twitter forgets nothing:
Now, let me give some context here. I’m willing to admit I opened this can of worms. My problem was this: he didn’t congratulate EVERYONE in the movie. No, he went for Don Cheadle, with that whole “black supports black” mentality. I’ve already detailed my issues with Cheadle as Rhodes, but this wasn’t even about that. It was clear there was a bit of bias here, and it you’re gonna congratulate someone, congratulate them all. Those box office returns weren’t built on the back of Don Cheadle. He’s not the one who just started negotiating his future with the Marvel Studios film universe. I feel like I called a spade a spade, and I kept going because of his whole elementary school-style rebuttals. Here’s the irony, and don’t think I don’t see it: I called his opinion silly. The same thing I got mad at the aforementioned person. Here’s the difference – Martin and I don’t follow each other. I guess, as a stranger, he deserves a modicum of respect, but not as much required by my circle of “friends”. She had found herself in said circle, and didn’t respect the “code”. Anyway, I know his went way too far, and it was my fault for getting caught up in it. Strike two.
On Friday, the twitter account for TokuNation set me off due to shoddy journalism (NOTE: Tokusatsu is the name for the Japanese shows that give us the footage used for Power Rangers, Masked Rider, etc. We’ve discussed this before). Long story short, this is the 20th anniversary of Power Rangers in America, and fans felt that faces from the past should be involved. Saban heard this, and half-assedly reached out to former rangers to see if they’d be a part of the proceedings. The problem is that they’re still non-Union, so they’re only offering something like $100, and the trip to New Zealand. Fans first got mad at the actors for declining, but once they saw the form letter email that was sent out, they then turned that anger on Saban. “Why is he so cheap?”, etc. At the end of the day, however, there’s only one ranger that everyone wants to see: Tommy, the original Green Ranger (then White Ranger/Red Ranger/Black Ranger). The actor, Jason David Frank, already put his foot in his mouth earlier by saying he’d do it for $1. Yes, 1 American dollar. He’s all tatted up now, so he figured he wouldn’t be getting the call. He was wrong. Remember, Saban likes being CHEAP. So, Friday, Toku Nation tweeted this:
Now, for more backstory. Frank was scheduled to appear at a convention, but cancelled due to a filming conflict. This convention is scheduled for the same weekend as the Power Rangers filming. So, TokuNation took this as a confirmation. This is NOT confirmation. It’s speculation with persuasive evidence, but confirmation is either an email OR it’s “straight from the horse’s mouth”. The word “confirmation” clearly does not mean what TokuNation thinks it means. I said as much here, and check their reply:
Um…so they’re essentially saying they’re trying to turn the tides of all the negative news by getting some good news out there. Even if it’s not true. I told them this is how rumors and lies get started, but they were done with me and my retorts. I was ashamed of myself for how upset this made me, so this was Strike three.
I’ve said before that I consider my twitter followers to be my “friends”. I’m closer to a lot of people on there than I am in real life. That said, I’m also noticing the evolution of some twitter “enemies”. That’s the dark side of all this, and I’m as much as fault as anyone else because I seem to be creating my own enemies. That’s kinda sad. So, I need to take a step back. I’m not going anywhere, but I’m not going to be monitoring my feed 24/7, like Martian Manhunter on monitor duty. I can’t let this consume me, ’cause it’s supposed to be fun, right? I’ll still be around, but for the time being, most of my tweets will either be replies or tweets pimping my warez. Unless ya miss me. I’m a whore like that. I’ll come back lickity-split!
Been thinking about Downton Abbey again lately. It’s funny how you can watch the first season, and have no inclination that Tom would ever become an important character. Plus, I hate Matthew now that I know all the contract negotiation bullshit. They say season 4 will take place 6 months later so we don’t even deal with the aftermath of that final scene, but I really don’t know where the show goes now…
I can’t decide if I like Workaholics. I’m sure I’d love it more were I 10 years young and a pothead, but I do enjoy it. That said, it’s not destination television for me. That’s how I feel about most shows on Comedy Central, like Inside Amy Schumer. I’ll watch them when they’re on, but I ain’t setting the DVR. Plus, there’s no room, ’cause of those 40 episodes of Burn Notice…Anyway, the only one I can really stand is Ders. I hate looking at Blake, and Adam has a face that’s just begging to be punched.
Here’s an update on Operation Trade-Up, as I now have all of Bendis’s first series of New Avengersin hardcover form. I know he has his detractors, but I loved that run. I’ve just started tracking down the second run, as well as his “adjectiveless” Avengers, but all of this will get rid of another longbox.
Sponsor Update
I tried to ignore them, but the sponsor’s been demanding some exposure, so here’s some new stuff over at Will’s World of Wonder:
We’ve restocked and we’re back! Hop off that new wave, and deal with that rage by picking up a little something for yourself!
Fisher Price Construx Building Toys – Nearly 300 Piece Lot
This collection is comprised of nearly 300 (281, to be exact) pieces of Construx building toys from Fisher Price. For those who are into building toys, you’ll remember that Construx were VERY popular in the late 80s-early 90s, as they allowed kids to build more complex creations than LEGO at the time. All of these pieces are in great shape, as I weeded out anything that may have been broken.
Batman Unlimited Dark Knight Returns Batman
If you’re a Bat fan, you’ve GOT to have this figure! Made using parts from the Masters of the Universe Classics line, we finally have a figure of Batman in his iconic form from Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns.
Batman & Robin Batcave Playset
This is a Kenner Batman Batcave from the late 90s. Based on the stickers, it was released with that dreadful movie with Arnold as Mr; Freeze. Anyway, they re-released this several times, as it is scaled to work with older movie figures and the recent Justice League figures.
DC Superheroes Batman & Superman Set
This set features one of the first Four Horseman-sculpted Batman figures, and served as the precursor to the DCSH and DCUC lines. It also includes one of the first Mattel Superman figures, which was one of the first Mattel DC figures with elbow articulation. Batman has brass knuckle weapon hidden on belt buckle.
DC Superheroes S3 Sculpt Batman
One of the rarest Mattel Batman figures, and arguably one of the best, this figure is used but in excellent shape!
Also, I was on the No Topic Required Podcast LAST NIGHT, and it’s already up. I love living in the future! Listen to it here.
As always, be sure to check out The Friday Round Up over on The Robot’s Pajamas. Vincent really hit it out of the park with his finds, and the articles he linked.
I’m not even trying to pretend. NO ONE had a week bigger than Charles Ramsey.
This man is being lauded as a “hero” because he aided in the rescue of a few young women who had been held captive for the past ten years. He’s just an average Joe, who doesn’t speak like a college professor, and has a very matter-of-fact delivery. So, of course the memes started up, like “We used to eat ribs, and listen to salsa music!” Through it all, he hasn’t changed who he is. He has rejected the label of “hero”, as he says he did what any human being should’ve done. He has rejected any mention of a reward, and has recommended any reward money be given to the victims. Because America loves to tear down her heroes, people started digging into his background, and found charges of domestic abuse. Despite what he had just done for these thankful women, people didn’t want to let his past go. Well, this is truly a story of redemption, and he has even said that his own domestic situation made him a new man. I think that new man appeared this week when he made that 911 call. In the words of the Backstreet Boys, “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, or what you did…” For this, and for his actions, Charles Ramsey had the West Week Ever.
This week’s post is gonna be bitter. Maybe you’ll find some humor in it, but there’s some stuff I wanna get out. So, “hold on to yo’ butts!”
Something’s been bothering me in the reseller world, and it’s only been exacerbated by the influx of shows like Pawn Stars, Toy Hunter, etc. Where to begin? OK, I’ve got an Avengers Helicarrier on Craigslist for $35. If you follow me on Twitter, you know what I really paid for it, but this price is still WELL below retail. So, the other night, I get this email:
Hello there! I saw your add at CL. Can you do 17? thanks!
FUCK. THIS. GUY.
If you don’t even know much about the item, know this: IT’S THREE FEET LONG! That’s $5.66 per foot. Even in real estate terms, that’s a joke!
I replied with,
That’s half what I’m asking. The art of negotiation is truly dead.
Then, he replied with something that always sets me off:
Im a retailer, I need some room to make money on it. $17? Im sorry I dont mean to insult you with my price offer.
I don’t give a fuck if you’re a retailer. That’s what I always hated about Pawn Stars – the whole, “Well, I’m running a business here, and I’ve gotta make a profit.” It assumes that the buyer is doing the seller a favor, which is only true in an emergency or drug fiend scenario. If I really needed money, and you were my last outlet, maybe you can lead the negotiations. However, outside of those situations, the seller should have the power. Your business and your profit aren’t my concern. With Toy Hunter, he’s offering 50% of what he feels he can get, but I’m just of the mindset of “Why don’t I just sell it myself?” Sure, he has connections and whatnot, but I’d eventually find a buyer, and I’d just sit on it until then.
The buyer has already shown his hand by being interested, so don’t just give your shit away if you don’t like what he’s offering. Unless you just need to clear out space or truly need the money, you’re doing him the favor. His business DEPENDS on stock. He has more to lose than I do. Now, we’re not talking about some rare prototype here, but it’s all the same thing. At the end of the day, a retailer needs stock to sell. I run into this with Will’s World of Wonder. I scour Craigslist and whatnot, but I never go after something if it’s priced at a point where I don’t instantly think it’ll make money. I don’t haggle unless I’m buying multiple items, and then I’m just going for a “bundling” deal. I would never, however, go in at 50%. Even if uneducated in the market, the seller has already settled on a price they’d like to receive (even if they don’t think they’ll actually get it). It’s up for the seller to decide just how low they’re willing to go. I just think an initial 50% offer cuts everyone off at the knees, and I don’t think it would be as prevalent if reality shows weren’t teaching every “retailer” that that’s how to do it.
While I’m being a drag, there’s something that still keeps me up at night. You see, back in college, I think I was a pretty shitty friend. I was in an a cappella group and glee club, and was always begging friends to come to my shit. On the flipside, I never went to theirs. I had friends who competed in ballroom dancing competitions who were ALWAYS at my stuff, and I didn’t see any of them dance until long after we’d graduated. It’s not that I didn’t want to support them, but I was just so self-centered. So, let’s apply that to the internet. I’ve spent a lot of time promoting my wares, while not always reading your posts. I’ve rectified that over recent months, as I like to get some interaction with my social media. Still, even not reading or listening, I still supported you by sharing your posts/pods with others. You’re my social circle, so I’ve come to know what I can expect from you in terms of blogging and podcasting. I’ve noticed 2 things from this, though: 1) if I don’t promote my stuff, who will? and 2) it doesn’t always go both ways. It’s a lot like gift giving – you should NEVER give a gift based on the belief that you will get one in return. That said, IT WOULD BE NICE. I’m not talking about material things here. There are things I do here, where you tell me you enjoy them, but you don’t share them. Why is that? Are you ashamed you enjoyed it? Are you ashamed to be known for reading my site? I recently visited someone’s site who essentially had a “How You Can Help Me” tab, asking readers to Like his posts on Facebook, post them to Reddit, etc. On the one hand, it rubbed me the wrong way that he felt he even had to write something like that. On the other, it clearly helped, as his engagement rates are off the charts. So, here we are. This isn’t directed to at all of you. Hell, if you’re reading this, it’s probably not even directed at you. What I’m saying is that I’m taking this personally. Classick Material over on the Cold Slither Podcast once said “We’re not taking attendance”, but I am. If you’ve ever said something like, “Well, you don’t even listen to my podcast”, take a minute and think about what you’ve done for me. The average time it takes to read one of my posts is about 01:09, while you expect me to dedicate 2 hrs of my life, listening to you talk? Are we a “community”, or am I just another hit to help your arbitrary stats? I’ve already been the change I wanted to see in the digital world, but I’m starting to think that’s just a cute fortune cookie concept. In wrestling terms, “Why won’t you put me over?”
How about some pop culture stuff, huh? Good.
Can someone please blow the lid off how people get paid from YouTube? I’m not a video guy, but it’s a closely guarded secret as to how people monetize their videos. This was brought to my attention here:
Did you watch the video? Touching, ain’t it? I had a discussion with Vincent over at The Robot’s Pajamas about this after it went viral. Leave it to me to be the downer. There are two ways to look at this video: on the one hand, it’s a nice “It Gets Better” tale. On the other, I worry about this guy because so much of his self-worth comes from external sources. I relate to him because of it. See how I berated some folks in the paragraph up there? Yeah, that came from this. Anyway, it’s interesting to wonder which followers/readers would step up to stop you from committing suicide. Don’t worry – this isn’t a cry for help. It’s just such an odd thing to think about – one that past generations never would’ve imagined. Still, the takeaway, however, is that I wanna know how he makes money!
The other night, I was honored to be welcomed back by the guys at the Nerd Lunch Podcast (I’ll post the link when it goes live). We discussed 90s sitcoms, and I’m ashamed to admit that I failed to do any research before the ep. I honestly forgot that I received the outline (in case you’ve never emailed me, I’m the worst emailer who ever emailed. I wish everything could be done by tweet). As a result, I forgot about a few 90s shows that kinda haunt me. I wonder if anyone else remembers these.
I wonder if Tawny Kitaen punched anyone in the face after this was taken…
First up, there’s The New WKRP In Cincinnati. While everyone’s probably seen the original, with Dr. Johnny Fever and Andy Travis, but not as many people flocked to the newer incarnation. I’m a big sucker for “Next Generation” shows like this and What’s Happening Now!!, so of course I was a fan. Kinda like Police Academy: The Series, the cast was comprised of the bare minimum of original cast members, just to lend credibility to the venture, while all the bigger stars were missing. So, we still got Les Nessman, Herb Tarlek, and Arthur Carlson, but gone were Venus Flytrap, Johnny Fever, Jennifer, Bailey, Andy, etc (though most would guest star at least once). It was also the mainstream debut of Mykelti Williamson (who would later star as “Bubba” in Forrest Gump), as station manager Donovan Aderhold. Seeing as it was the early 90s, most of the “humor” came from the fact that all these white people at a rock station were surprised that their boss was a black guy. The show only lasted 2 seasons because it was in syndication, and just wasn’t performing on a consistent level. I’ll never forgive them for their cliffhanger series finale, though – Donovan finally finds love, but his plane goes down and there was no hope of survivors. I think they were going for a M*A*S*H* moment, but people cared about M*A*S*H*.
Another show haunts me due to its concept, despite the fact I forgot everything about it, including its name. You see, I remembered hearing about a sitcom starring a black family, which wasn’t anything new for the early 90s. There was a catch, however – this family lived in Archie Bunker’s old house. The final spinoff of the All in the Family franchise, the show was called 704 Hauser and was also produced by Norman Lear. Basically, Lear felt that America needed to have real discussions again, like they’d had during All in the Family‘s run. John Amos (of Good Times fame) played the patriarch, and he was pretty much just as pigheaded as Archie had been. The son was a disappointment, due to his conservative views and white girlfriend. Oh yeah – that girlfriend was played by Maura Tierney. So, the only footage that seems to survive online are the scenes in which she appeared (stalker alert!). The show only lasted about 6 episodes, but I still think it was an interesting concept. I don’t even think I watched it when it was on, but I wish it could have another shot. It was a CBS show, which really didn’t have a great black track record during that era. On Fox, it would’ve gotten a whole season, right after True Colors.
Visiting my bedroom circa 1995… (Branded In the 80s) – I’ve yet to determine if I’m laughing with Shawn or at him on this one, but it took a brave soul to post it.
One of them accomplished the amazing feat of being embarrassing on MTV, while another made nerds wet themselves over an overrated Star Wars filibuster. One of them, from a “show about nothing”, is about to train some turtles, while the other is “cunt punting” her way across the University of Maryland campus. Only one of them, however, had the West Week Ever.
What you need to know – this email was forwarded from the listserv of the University of Maryland chapter of Delta Gamma sorority. Basically, “Julia” didn’t feel that her sisters were bringing all the boys to the yard – particularly the Sigma Nu fraternity guys with whom the sorority is matched. This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I clipped it from Gawker ’cause who knows how long it’ll be up:
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.
For this post, mystery University of Maryland DG soror Julia had the West Week Ever.
Who cares if this happened 2 months ago? I know what you folks like, and I love spinoffs, so Thrift Justice Road Trip is BACK! I mentioned this back in West Week Ever, but the wife and I had a belated Valentine’s Day weekend in Hershey, PA. It was supposed to be a winery/antique mall tour, but the wineries seemed to dominate. Anyway, at the end of Day 1 we were able to meet up with my Twitter pal, @LamarRevenger at the Crossroads Antique Mall, in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I don’t have a ton of pictures from this day, but here’s what I’ve got:
There was a tempting case of MEGO figures. They didn’t know what they had, as there were figures from Space: 1999 labeled as “Star Trek: TNG”. I almost got the Penguin you see, but I knew that would open a can of worms. He wasn’t in the best shape, and to buy him would mean I’d have to get a Joker, and a Batman, and a Robin. MEGO is not easy to find in good condition, so I nipped it in the bud. Lamar debated on whether or not to get the Star Trek McCoy figure. He passed, but I think he went back to get it later on.
I’m not a huge Muppets person, but I loved this phone. Kermit is straight chillin’, with the handset propped on his leg. Pimp!
This made me think of Brian over at Cool and Collected. Look out, Bond! She ’bout to shoot you!
Sometimes I forget how much I was into Dick Tracy back in 1991. This hand puppet was kind of cool, and I like how his two-way wrist radio is represented on it.
This is FAR from an “antique”, but I know how some of y’all love your bootlegs and knock-offs.
Here’s a nice little display of “rack toys”. I always refer to these as “Toys For Poor Kids” because, after the dawn of the “program-length commercial”, only a poor kid would be happy with something that’s not a tie-in to a cartoon or movie. Yeah, I’m a toy snob.
I just thought this police car was sleek. I’m not a huge car guy, but every now and then I can appreciate a nice one. I loved this model.
Finally, I love this phone because it looks like it’s a face, saying, “Oooo, he did WHAT?!”
Anyway, promotions and lodging were provided by The La Quinta Inn. Only at La Quinta can you get a good night’s sleep, and then come downstairs to a swanky Nickelodeon show. Just look at this place!
There are more antique mall pics from that weekend, but I can’t give you everything at once! Stay tuned for a future installment of Thrift Justice Road Trip in Pennsylvania!!!
So, one of you may have noticed there was no West Week Ever last week. Explanation: I just didn’t have it in me. I was on Spring Break (yay for working in education!), but spent the week depressed, watching 4 episodes of Family Feud every day. When Friday rolled around, I just couldn’t be bothered. Plus, since I hadn’t been working, it also meant I hadn’t read any of your sites. Like, any of them. So, I couldn’t even do the “Links I Loved” portion. Still, I feel like I should’ve written something, and I hate that there’s now a gap in the schedule (well, a second; I’ve missed one other WWE since I started it). So, here’s a little bit of what I did during that week.
Around March 28th, I discovered that I had basically missed Comcast/XFinity/WhyDidWeBuyNBC?’s “Watchathon Week”, where they had entire seasons of tons of shows on demand for free. Seeing as how I only had about 3 days left (it ended on 3/31), I decided to binge watch as much as I could before the shows were all snatched away. Since I had missed a few critical darlings over the past year, I decided to watch Girls, House of Lies, and Downton Abbey. While the episode total varied per series, that was about 7 seasons of shows in about 72 hrs. Folks had raved over all these shows, and I wasn’t gonna have a better time to catch up. So, what did I think?
Girls – I’ve seen a lot of Lena Dunham hate, but I really liked this show. Then again, I tend to like things others hate. My wife kept coming into the room during one of the many awkward sex scenes, and she was grossed out, saying she’d rather see pretty people having sex. I felt those scenes were probably pretty accurate for a plain girl who just graduated from college. She doesn’t really know anything, and her boyfriends had either been gay or psychopaths. Hannah is kinda relatable, Marnie’s kind of a bitch, Jessa sucks at life, and then there’s Shoshanna. You can’t imagine my surprise when I realized she was Peggy’s lesbian friend from Mad Men. And to quote the summer camp guy who refuses to take her virginity, she has a “hot rod little bod”. She’s totally my favorite of the girls. My favorite character, however, is Charlie. Poor, poor Charlie. It looked like the nice guy was going to win at the end of season 2, but now the rumors are that the actor has walked off the show due to clashing with Dunham. So, I guess we’ll just have to see how that plays out.
At the end of the day, Girls is really just another Quarterlife Crisis tale. This phenomenon has been pretty popular since the Millennials started graduating from college, and there have been several takes on the matter. As much as I enjoyed Girls, there are 2 MTV shows that captured that phase of life SO much better: I Just Want My Pants Back and Underemployed. The characters in IJWMPB basically lived in the same neighborhood as the Girls crew, only they didn’t have privileged backgrounds. Their parents weren’t supporting them, and they were really struggling to hit the ground running after college. Still, that bunch was much more likable than Hannah and her pals. Sadly, MTV cancelled it after one season. Underemployed was probably my favorite new show of this season, but it had no buzz outside of a huge billboard in Manhattan. That show took place in Chicago, but the characters’ circumstances were much closer to those in Girls. One wanted to be a writer, while struggling to support herself when her parents cut her off (Hannah, anyone?). One was the bohemian musician who wound up a single mom, the wannabe model, and the girl sleeping with her boss. It was a great show, with a great cast, yet MTV also cancelled it after one season . So, now we have Girls, and everyone thinks it’s so “fresh”, but it’s just another in a long line of the same theme. That’s not to take away from it, but rather to show that Lena Dunham didn’t exactly reinvent the wheel.
House of Lies – I watched the premiere back when Showtime had it on their website, with black bars over everyone’s privates. I really enjoyed it, but didn’t have premium cable, so just kinda forgot about it. I always meant to pick up the DVD, but I just…didn’t. So, once I finished Girls, it was a no-brainer as to what to watch next. Plainly put, I LOVE THIS SHOW. Basically, Don Cheadle is Marty Kaan, a management consultant who’s amazing at his job, but sucks at life. With every deal, he’s closer and closer to losing a soul that he doesn’t even think he has anymore. His mother committed suicide when he was younger, and it seems like he just lost his way after that. He uses anyone and everyone around him, and he never sticks around to deal with repercussions. Meanwhile, his team is comprised of Jean-Ralphio from Parks & Rec, Veronica Mars, and the dude from the American pilot for Spaced that you’ve never seen.
Watching both seasons back to back, two things jumped out at me. First of all, there’s a lot less sex in the second season than in the first. Maybe it’s because Marty got a girlfriend, so tried to actively avoid opportunities to bang. Also, one of my favorite aspects – Marty’s “Zack Morris Time Out”, where he explains different buzzwords and key terms in the management consulting world, is basically nonexistent in the second season. I guess the show had settled into its rhythm, so they no longer felt the need for gimmicks. Still, there’s definitely a tonal switch between the two seasons, as season 1 is Case of the Week, while season 2 has the long job with the casino, interspersed with a few smaller cases. I still have 2 episodes to watch (stupid Watchathon ended before the season finale), so don’t spoil it for me!
I think I’d have enjoyed House of Lies a lot more had I not been screwed by a “Marty Kaan”. You watch characters like him and Victor Newman and Dan Scott, and wonder “Man, nobody’s that evil.” That is so not true, and I learned first hand about a year ago. Let me tell you that these people are very real, and my only consolation is that I took him down with me. This real life experience probably hurt my ability to see Marty as a sympathetic character, but it did help me to understand his motivations.
Downton Abbey – I’d seen all of the Facebook statuses and outraged tweets, but I had no desire to watch this. I’m actually an anglophile who grew up watching Britcoms and public television. Still, I hate bandwagon shit, so I avoided it. After I finished House of Lies, I knew I needed to watch something else to take advantage of the few hours I had remaining of the free On Demand stuff. I started watching Downton at about 10 PM the night of the 31st, and the eps were gonna be gone on 4/1. The first episode was boring as shit, but I powered on as it got better and better. Mary was such a bitch, and Sybil was so sweet, and poor, spiteful, ugly duckling Edith! Plus, I couldn’t tell if I liked Lady Grantham or not. Sure, she was American, but she had weird, narrowed eyes that always made you think she was scheming – especially since her sole concern was protecting her father’s money. And noble, yet lame, Mr. Bates! I stayed up til about 4 AM watching the show, and went to bed with 2 episodes left. Surely they’d be there when I woke up, right? WRONG! The Watchathon promotion had ended, but I needed to get my fix. I ran out to Target to see if they had the DVDs, but I didn’t wanna pay much ’cause I’d probably only watch them once. I came back home and found that the first and second season on Hulu Plus, so I signed up for the free week trial right then and there, just so I could finish watching. I only stopped to pee. I was on that couch for about 18 hours. Once I burned through season 2, I realized that season 3 was actually still on demand, and I powered through that. AND IT WAS SO GOOD!
I said this on Twitter last night, but it bears repeating (especially for those of you scared to follow me): Mad Men and Downton Abbey are similar in that both shows depict characters whose way of life is at an end, yet the characters don’t realize it. The drama is the result of them being forced to deal with the changing world around them. This was probably subtle to the people who watched the series with the appropriate gaps in between, but to binge watch it you realize just how much the world has changed. The series starts the day after the Titanic sinks, while the season 3 finale take place during Christmas of 1921. The passage of time is drastic and subtle all at once. It’s amazing how the years jump in the middle of seasons, and nothing’s really changed. The war is still going on, and folks are carrying on like business as usual. At the same time, once you get to the end of season 3, you realize the world is a VERY different place. When the series begins, the whole aspect of titles and estates still seems perfectly natural in that world. By the end, as all the nobles are started to lose their fortunes due to mismanagement, and World War I has taught people to focus on things that are really important, it’s almost shameful to see the Crawleys trying to hold on to their way of life. They had lived in their ivory towers for generations, but the foundation was starting to crumble, and they aren’t quite sure how they’re going to fare in the new world. It’s really interesting stuff, especially when you see that the staff is genuinely considered to be a part of the family, even if in a lesser capacity. When a family member takes ill, the staff members worry. Sure, one or two will point out “They don’t care about us!”, yet the Grantham/Crawley clan truly see themselves as benevolent, and the staff go along with it. The Granthams justify their position by saying they provide jobs to the citizens, not realizing that the citizens need a chance to get along without them.
Another shocking thing about the show was its respectful treatment of homosexuality. The character of Thomas is revealed as gay early in the first season. It’s really hard to feel for him, though, as he’s a scheming asshole for the majority of the series. Sure, it’s coming from a place of hurt, seeing as how he had to hide his way of life, but he’s still just SUCH an asshole. When all of this later comes to light, people start to tell him that he’s vile and evil. He defends himself by saying “I might be different, but I am not vile.” Later, when the police are called on suspicion that Thomas had been up to homosexual acts, the cops imply that he’s broken and vulgar. Lord Grantham stands up for him and says that Thomas is NOT evil, and that he didn’t choose to be the way he is. Yes, it’s modern writers projecting modern beliefs on historical fiction, it’s still interesting to see these beliefs in that setting. A bold choice for the show, and it helps to really show more of Lord Grantham’s humanity.
Anyway, after watching all of that, I was basically brain dead by Tuesday. So I just stayed in bed and watched every court show that came on. I didn’t feel like thinking, and I certainly didn’t feel like writing. Sure, I tweeted, but I didn’t really read what others were tweeting. I was pontificating instead of communicating.
I don’t really do internet videos. I’m not sure if it’s because they require too much attention, or I grew up without a fast internet connection or what. Still, I’d much rather read most things than watch a YouTube video about them. Still, I stumbled upon this and found it really funny. It’s a bit long, but still funny.
Before completely losing my mind, I also wrote about Operation: Trade Up, which should totally read if you’re into comics.
If you’ve got any money you’re looking to spend, you should buy something at Will’s World of Wonder.
OK, that’s about it. We’re back on schedule, so I guess stay tuned for more of the stuff you’ve come to expect.
One of these people had the West Week Ever. Which one? Read on to find out!
I have a hard time with people who blame video game violence on today’s social ills. This was made even clearer to me last weekend. Why? I watched Death Wish IV and Death Wish V. First off, can I say that I fucking LOVE Charles Bronson? Something about a 55 year old man wrecking shit is so much more refreshing than Action Star du Jour. Anyway, I witnessed a guy killed by a grenade launcher, a guy killed by exploding remote controlled soccer ball, a guy fall into a pulp grinder and more. People saw this stuff and didn’t go on killing sprees (well, except Bernie Goetz). Movies today aren’t half as violent as they were 25 years ago. I’m not sure if the MPAA has simply become a bunch of pussies, or if ticket takers have become more lax in letting in minors. All I know is that the same restrictions supposedly exist for video games and movies. It’s time to blame society’s ills on factors other than the entertainment sector.
Being the boyband fiend that I am, this was probably my favorite video of the week. I loved the Hell out of JC Chasez and, from a musical standpoint, he was the most talented member of *NSYNC. Justin’s more famous because he was more charismatic, but he wasn’t the best soloist. Anyway, this is JC singing “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers to USC’s Tri Delt chapter. Here’s what sticks out to me, though: a college freshman would have been born in 1995. *NSYNC’s debut album came out when they were TWO YEARS OLD. They were 6 when *NSYNC’s last album came out. Outside of America’s Best Dance Crew, JC hasn’t really been relevant to this generation. This is almost like if Daryl Hall had come to sing at Cornell while I was there. Do these girls even know who he is, other than “hot guy singing that weird hippie song”? Anyway, I feel so old…
Speaking of Justin vs. JC, this Billboard article is an EXCELLENT exploration of how and why Justin pulled ahead in their pop solo competition.
I had a great time last night, joining @timdogg98‘s Comic Book Chronicles Live. So far, it’s a weekly-ish Google Hangout sponsored by The Kliqnation, and it’s a great comic book discussion with a “barbershop” feel. I’ve been lurking in the rafters for most of the episodes, but I was tagged in last night. If you’re a comic fan, definitely check it out!
Sponsor Update -
This may come as a surprise to some, but WilliamBruceWest.com is sponsored by Will’s World of Wonder. Recently, my corporate overlords have decided they should have more of a voice on the site, so here’s some new stuff that’s been listed in the store:
Preorders:
There are none. Really, why would I buy up a case of something you could buy cheaper at a big box store? That wastes both our time. Go buy that shit at Target!
New Arrivals:
Young Justice Invasion 6″ Batman
This is the RARE 6″ Young Justice Invasion Batman figure. These never hit wide retail release in North America, and they are pretty hard to find.
Figure is MIB, and includes diorama and accessories. (Limited Supply!)
Our Vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stock has been replenished! Show your whippersnappers where it all began by buying them something from this assortment! http://willsworldofwonder.ecrater.com/c/1513721/tmnt
Before we handle wrap things up, I need to address something. So, yesterday I prefaced a post with a description of my depression. Much of that was hyperbole, as a framing device. Mainly. I’ve had anxiety for a LOOONNNGG time, but I have experienced happiness since the age of 12. I just threw out an age there (although that IS what I told that nurse). Why did I say 12? Well, I feel like that’s when the anxiety train started. Changes start happening. Next thing you know, you’ve got to do well on the PSAT, ’cause it’s an indicator of SAT success. Then, you have to do well on the SAT, ’cause you need it to get into a good college. Then, you need to get into a good college so you’ll get a good job. Then, you have to successfully graduate from said good college. Then, you graduate and there are no jobs. Then you work retail, while waiting on people who can’t understand why you don’t have a better job. Then you feel like a failure because you wasted that degree and tuition. Then, you get dead-end jobs that still aren’t really backing up why you went to school. I finally have a job that I love, but it wasn’t an easy process. For me, at least. Lots of people have it WAY worse, but I don’t deal well with stress. So, that, conceptually, is how I came up with that age. Still, that hurt people who know “real life” Will.
I’ve never really delved into this, but it’s my site, so I can do what I want. Over on facebook, my pal Chad was wondering if anyone had written about their success with online dating. He met his girlfriend that way, and wondered if I or Vincent had ever written about our experience. Maybe it would take the “geek taboo” off things. If you don’t know, I met my wife on Match.com. It’s funny because I wasn’t looking for anything. I had gotten out of a 3-ish year relationship with a trust fund baby who had no real life aspirations. Yet she dumped me. Go figure. Anyway, a friend of mine signed up for Match, and a bunch of us signed up too so that we could vet his choices. If there’s one thing I love it’s judging people, and this gave me a front row seat. In the meantime, I just liked the attention. I was probably a good 40 lbs lighter, and I woke up to emails from random women telling me they liked my smile. I didn’t even have to do anything. It was AWESOME.
I didn’t communicate with anyone I found on there ’cause I’d have to PAY. Ain’t nobody got time for that! One day, however, I got an email from a girl that said something I liked. I don’t remember what it was, and I don’t feel like going through my email to figure it out. Whatever it was, it caught my attention. And like that, I actually paid and we emailed back and forth. She was a reader, and to paraphrase Chris Rock, she “spoke so well.” Since I wasn’t yet the net whore that I’ve become, I didn’t really think you could have any meaningful association with someone digitally. Now, I’ll tell you that some of my good friends are folks I’ve never met, but things were different in the Wild West days of 2008. So, I was fine just keeping it online. It was like having a pen pal, and I really didn’t know how to make the transition from web to reality, anyway. I’d never asked anyone for their number, and I wasn’t some cool pimp daddy “gettin’ da digits”. All my attention from females came from singing, whether I was doing a musical or a cappella stuff. So we had a great time emailing, but that was enough for me. And then I just stopped. I don’t really know why. Maybe I thought it was weird, or I just didn’t know how to be cool over email anymore.
Life went on. She ended up dating some other dude from Match (man, it must be awesome to be a woman. Free dinners for simply possessing a vagina). I probably went back to bitching about the death of Captain America and blogging about how that Big Bang Theory show would never last. Other stuff happened, like I had a death in the family, and I was just all over the place. Three months passed, and she emailed me out of the blue. She wondered why our emails had just stopped, seeing as how we seemed to have a real connection. Since I’m a doof, she ended up having to ask me out. This was a Monday. The date was set for Wednesday. That Tuesday, we finally talked on the phone…for 3 hours. When I got home from Wednesday’s date, I called my friend Keith, and I said “I’m gonna marry that girl.” Our next date was that Saturday, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her everyday since then. Shit’s crazy, son! Most of the time, I would just be excited to get off work, so I could go play Rock Band with her. Apparently, while she wasn’t being wined and dined by Match dudes, she had worked her way to Expert on most of the songs. And I was happy. For the first time, in a very long time, I was happy. And I’m happy now. In 2 weeks, we’ll have been married 6 months, and October’s our 5 year anniversary. So, I lied. I’m very happy. Oh, and internet dating works! Try it! Take it from your buddy, Will!
So, one person’s mugshot count is up to a half dozen, while another is going through some odd, drag transformation. One person twerked it like a unicorn, while the other reeeallly has bad luck with keeping the women in his life alive. But only one of them had the West Week Ever.
He killed a dude by shooting a fucking grenade at him. ‘Nuff said.
I’m not always a happy person. Sure, I crack jokes and everything on Twitter, but I guess you could say I’m “faking it until I make it”. Let’s just say it really hits home when a nurse asks you, “Can you remember when you were last happy?” and your answer is “I was probably 12.” Man, this is a downer intro to a post! Anyway, at times, I’ve clung to the idea of alternate realities. Hell, anything’s possible and it’s not like you can disprove the possibility (Ha! Take THAT, condescending Web Atheists!). Maybe there’s a Will out there who’s bouncing off the walls, and people describe him in terms like “effervescent”. If there are other realities out there, just think of the craziness that could be going on. Or let me do the thinking for you!
As our music industry celebrated the release of Justin Timberlake’s single, “Suit & Tie”, this week, in other reality former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter just released “Blazer & Bolo”.
And apparently he’s a motorboating enthusiast!
Meanwhile, things are getting dicey on the late night talk show scene. After 20 years on the air, UPN has announced that Nick Cannon will be replacing Arsenio Hall as the host of What Up, Moon?Industry experts aren’t sure how to react, as it was only two years ago that Hall reclaimed his show from Damon Wayans, Jr. After touring the country with Skee Lo and Bobcat Goldthwait, Wayans finally landed at NBC, but there are still hard feelings.
Some third world country is about to get a shitload of Woof shirts airdropped into it
Speaking of Skee Lo, he and his wife, megastar Kelly Rowlands, are expecting their 3rd child. Fans were hoping Kelly would take time off to reunite with Destiny’s Child, but the group has been on hiatus since member Beyonce Knowles was arrested on drug charges back in 2003. She later appeared on the 5th season of Celebrity Rehab, where she proceeded to insult both Rowlands and the DC fans. Needless to say, Kelly won’t be saying Beyonce’s name anytime soon!
Skee Lo’s “I Wish” is the highest selling record to date
Talks are heating up that Michael Jackson will be taking the judge’s chair vacated by Bobby Brown on The Voice. As everyone knows by now, Brown was recently named the Exec VP of Artist Development for Arista Records, and Jackson is coming off the recent cancellation of his children’s show, Jacko’s World.
In the book world, bestselling author James Frey is four books into his Little Pieces Saga. He’s been doing the talk show circuit promoting the next installment, A Million Pieces More. Tonight, he’s going to be on Bob Barker’s CNN show and Soledad O’Brien’s show on Playboy Radio. Tomorrow morning, he’ll wake up bright and early to be a guest on Let’s Get It Started With Fergie.
Even in an alternate reality, douchebags still look like this
In the world of professional sports, NFL commissioner Vincent McMahon has announced that Brock Lesnar’s contract has been renegotiated with the Washington Coloreds. McMahon refused to acknowledge questions concerning the team’s racist moniker. The last time he addressed it was during an interview with Tabitha Soren, where he remarked, “What? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to call them?”
“The NFL is committed to diversity – unless you’re a minority, bald, and/or have a goatee. Then, you’re clearly a villain.”
In the world of politics, President Clinton just announced, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her butt. Lord knows I tried.” This is the 12th sex scandal for the long-seated president. It was just last year that he uttered the similar words, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…in her mouth.” Needless to say, there’s no end in sight for the War on Orifices. Pundits are saying that there should have been some sort of provision for removing Clinton from office, but it seems that no one knows the current whereabouts of the Constitution. At present, most US laws are tweeted from China, while forged copies of the fabled document occasionally show up in pawn shops, according to the Pawn Stars Channel.
“My fellow Americans, tell me you don’t just wanna bite dat ass.
Continental War V rages on, as Germany just fell to invading forces from Poland. The US has been hesitant to enter the fray, however Germany is our leading source for electronics, so something will need to be decided before the Tivo production season kicks into high gear. This has caused China’s statehood talks to stall. If you’ll remember, the US traded the Puerto Rico Territory to Emperor Hirohito in 1952, thus acquiring the China Territory and gaining a US presence in the East.
Meanwhile, plans are underway to commemorate the anniversary of the tragic events of May 4th, 1999. It has been 14 years since the state of Hawaii was vaporized by a militant sect of Jedi disciples, in what is now referred to as Operation: Phantom Menace. This led to the widespread persecution of Jedi, with many leaving the fold due to risk of being charged for treason. The “religion” is currently prohibited on American soil.
Photo courtesy of bystander, who decided an Instagram filter should be applied
In the business world, DisMart announced that they’re planning to open a kiosk on the International Space Station. A mere 10 years ago, this would’ve been something out of science fiction. However, after Sir Richard Branson mysteriously disappeared, DisMart submitted a bid for the Virgin Corporation. Pretty soon, Mickey Mouse and Wally the Wallflower will be heading to space!
Well, I think you’ve learned enough about this alternate reality. Perhaps you should count your blessings. I mean, I’ve heard great things about The Diagram 2, but do you really want 14 Skee Lo albums on your mPod? What? Oh, that’s what they’re called here. Ya know, ’cause Microsoft makes them. I’m always drifting off to this world, though, as I have quite the imagination. So, just let me know if you ever want an update on how things are going over there.
I’m gonna try something different here. I’m not even sure of it’s allowed, but we’ll see. I haven’t been as involved in posting for The League of Extraordinary Bloggers as I should be, and the weeks sometimes speed by. Since I’m contractually obligated to do a West Week Ever each Friday (my sponsors at Will’s World of Wonder can be a bunch of dickholes sometimes), the only way I can do this week’s LOEB post is to fit it in here. So, this week’s topic is a photo challenge called “I see RED”. I thought about doing a huge shot of all my Red Rangers (ya know, to pander to the demo that drives the most traffic to this site), but I really don’t feel like digging all those out. Then, it dawned on me. I could use this:
You may remember this shot from earlier this week on Twitter/Instagram. Check them out if you wanna see my hilarious yet racially insensitive caption. Don’t worry – there’s a story here. Ya see, I went to college with the Arizona Iced Tea heiress. For realsies, she exists! And she had the biggest rack I’d ever seen. So big that I dubbed her “racktacular”. My buddy used to date her, and somehow felt the need to tell her of her new moniker. Instead of getting mad, she jokingly wore it as a badge of honor…until her later reduction. A moment of silence for those magnificent titties. I always think of her when I see any beverage from Arizona.
Anyway, I was thirsty and didn’t feel like soda since it was 8 in the morning. So, my inner Spirit Negro said, “Watuhmelon?! Lah-dee-dah!”, and I tapdanced my way over to the counter. I’d never had it before, so what did I think? It smelled like Fruit Rollups, which is ALWAYS a plus. I’m not sure of the taste, though. I tend to hate synthetic watermelon, but this wasn’t bad. Know what it tastes like? Stay with me here, as I’m about to lose a few of you. It tastes the way a female rapper would describe the taste of her vagina. You know, they’re always comparing it to something good like Pop Tarts or Pepsi, but you know the real deal. Yeah, like that.
I used to dream about working for Wizard Magazine, but I guess it wasn’t in the cards. Not that I really tried. I made it to Diamond, but had friends who’d applied to Wizard. Basically, you were lucky to make $20K, while living in Congers, NY (where the median income was about $75K). Looking back, this isn’t so odd when you think of it in terms of “start-up culture”: to get an idea off the ground, folks tend to work long hours for little-to-no paycheck. The thing with Wizard, though, is that even once it “made it”, it doesn’t seem like life got better for the employee. That’s all from an HR/contractual side, though. In practice, it seems like the bunker mentality forged a lot of great friendships, and seeded the comic industry with the PR power players that it has today. Anyway, with all this in mind, I really enjoyed this Where Are They Now? article about a few Wizard staffers.
This may come as a surprise to some, but I’ve spent next to no time on TV Tropes. It’s a timesink, and it just seems too…easy. I mean, why read these things when you could just watch them and identify them yourself? Still, they put names on phenomena that otherwise didn’t have titles; I’ll give them that. So, I think I’ve boiled down the essence of the typical 80s/90s sitcomto 13 episodes. Think of it like the British TV model – even if it gets canceled after one season, it has accomplished its mission. Anyway, here’s how it would be mapped out:
01. Pilot Episode Where Illogical Conceit For Series Is Introduced
02. Episode Packed With Character Development
03. Episode Featuring Pillow Fight OR Argument Steeped In Sexual Tension
04. Episode With Appearance By Then-Contemporary Pop Star
05. Very Special Kidnapping Episode
06. The UFO Episode
07. Lie Told When Parent Comes To Town Episode
08. Episode Where Someone Ends Up On A Ledge
09. Episode Where Someone Gets Amnesia
10. Locked In Freezer Clip Show
11. Backdoor Pilot for Spinoff That Will Only Last A Fraction As Long As This Show’s Run
12. Episode Where Fan Favorite Supporting Character Leaves Show
13. Finale Where Final Scene Cleverly References Opening Scene In Pilot
I should do a Kickstarter, where I’d probably burn it off all at once on Netflix, cast Lena Dunham in it, and sit back to collect my accolades.
One put on his suit & tie to dust off SNL, while the other was ushered in with white smoke. One danced all over the Pandora’s Box of crowdsourcing, while another felt his heart go “pop!” Only one, however, could have the West Week Ever.
Earlier this week, I was cleaning off the DVR and noticed I’d recorded Music and Lyrics. In my mind, I think I’d assumed it was American Dreamz (a lesser Hugh Grant vehicle spoofing reality shows), so I was never in a rush to watch it. Boy, was I wrong! To boil it down, Hugh Grant basically plays The Other Guy from Wham! who gets a second chance at his career when Not-Ke$ha asks him to write a song for her new album. He can’t nail down the lyrics until his neurotic plant waterer turns out to have a gift for words. Collaboration and romance ensue, yadda yadda yadda. I liked the movie because it kinda swatted away some of the romantic comedy tropes. I was left with a lot of questions that probably would’ve been poorly answered in a Nora Ephron film. I’ve always loved Hugh Grant, even if he does always play the same character. As the cool kids say, he “could get the D”. Well, on second thought, let’s strike that from the record. My rep is bad enough as it is. Anyway, his West Week Ever status was solidified the moment the movie started with this video:
I’m a big fan of parody done with heart. This video is PERFECT. From the actual song, to Hugh’s directional nod at the lyric “Let’s go”. The last time I’d seen something this reverential of 80s pop was the first Robin Sparkles video, and then it was all downhill after they repeated it without instilling any heart to the endeavor. Sure, the other people in the running may have had more real time success this week, but most of that involved stuff that made me mad. This video clip, however, brought me nothing but sheer joy all week. And since it’s my site, and I discovered it only this week, that’s why Hugh Grant had the West Week Ever.
One of these people had the West Week Ever! Who was it? Keep reading!
My favorite recent pastime is watching court shows and looking up the plaintiff/defendant on facebook. It might sound kinda stalkery, but sometimes it yields funny results. For example, last weekend I was watching an episode of Judge Judy, and I randomly looked up the plaintiff. Her status message was, “So I guess my episode of Judge Judy is on. lol.” I don’t know if people had been messaging her or if she randomly saw it herself, but it was kinda funny to see that in “real time” – especially since the episode was, like, 2 years old. Plus, it’s also interesting to see them on TV, acting the part of “the good girl”, and then they have unlocked accounts filled with blunts and bong pics. This is why you lock your accounts, folks!
Apparently, Pinterest removed one of my pictures this week because it might have contained nudity. Honestly, I don’t even remember the pic they’re talking about. I don’t really even use Pinterest, ’cause I’m not a bored secretary. Pinterest has kinda become the young professional’s Tumblr, but if they want to compete, they’re gonna have to allow some nudity. That’s Tumblr’s saving grace – that and ADD.
Why do people still watch American Idol? Sure, people love to say “I only watch the beginning, for the terrible auditions”, but then you KEEP watching. WHY? To quote The Rock, “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Name the last Idol WINNER who mattered. I’ll wait. Sure, the show gets you exposure, but the folks fare best who DON’T win. This goes all the way back to season 2, where most people forget that Ruben BEAT Clay Aiken. This pattern continued. Jennifer Hudson? Didn’t win. Chris Daughtry? Didn’t win. Katherine McPhee? Didn’t win. Adam Lambert? DIDN’T WIN! No, America voted for Fantasia, Taylor Hicks, and Kris Allen, respectively. Yes, Fantasia’s illiterate ass beat Jennifer Hudson! This teaches us 2 things: America can’t be trusted AND winning Idol is irrelevant. They’ll be back at their airport job in 6 months. You know a concept that I do miss, however? American Juniors!
When a network stumbles upon a reality hit, it then must decide how many cycles to run per season. In the beginning, they run it into the ground, running it in the spring and fall. Eventually, it’s decided to keep the show to an annual basis, and something else is created to fill the gap. This is how the American Idol/X-Factor arrangement currently works. After the second season of Idol, however, they didn’t want to burn off a season during the summer, so to bridge the gap between spring and fall, Fox ran American Juniors. This is actually the merger of two UK properties: Pop Idol and S Club Juniors. This probably a good place to describe the key difference between US and UK pop acts. In the US, pop groups (especially boybands) tended to start like this:
“Well, we were all working at Universal Studios, and we’d run into each other at the same auditions. Eventually, we put together our group.”
In the UK, however, things are more staged:
“I was watchin’ the tellie, and I see advert for a pop group bein’ put together. I’d done some modeling, and me mates was always takin’ the piss. One day, I snuck off from a game of footer and auditioned. Next thing I knew, I was in the group.”
I know US pop acts are just as manufactured, but they at least pretend that they’re not. UK groups are essentially the result of a cattle call for pretty people. Anyway, one of the biggest UK acts of the time was S Club (formerly S Club 7, but Paul had decided to leave, so they didn’t feel like reprinting everything with a “6″ when they could just remove the “7″). Considering S Club had a TV show, movies, and CDs, I guess management saw it as a sustainable brand. So, as the original group started to show its wear, the S Club Juniors concept was born, where thousands of kids tried out on the reality show, S Club Search, to be the next generation of S Club. So, in the final year or so of the original group, they had this junior counterpart group just waiting in the wings to steal their jobs. Once S Club disbanded, the Juniors were officially promoted to S Club 8. I swear I’m not making this stuff up!
So, American Juniors followed much the same model: there was a cattle call for cute, performing children, and instead of singling out one of them as the BEST, the goal was to create a pop group instead. Since America has that whole “everyone’s a winner” mentality these days, it wasn’t too harsh, but it was still great seeing such raw, young talent. I’m a bigger fan of seeing a kid and thinking, “That kid’s going places!” instead of seeing some 20-something airport attendant and thinking, “That dude’s gonna get a ton of pussy for about 6 months, and then he’s back to handling luggage.” Just go back and watch old eps of MMC, and you’ll feel the same way when you see young Ryan Gosling and JT. Sure, there’s the risk of becoming ruined as a child star, but there aren’t a ton of child singer success stories. I mean, there’s Michael Jackson (HORRIBLE example) and there was Charlotte Church (who kinda grew up to be a bitch). Otherwise, folks seem to wait til their teens to debut these days. I’m not sure if it’s due to fear over pubescent voice change or what. Anyway, at the end of things, 5 kids were chosen to be the “American Juniors” (how creative), and their debut single was “One Step Closer”, which had also been the debut single of the S Club Juniors. While the show’s ratings were pretty great, a second season was scrapped. I’m tired of Idol. Bring back Juniors!
One spent 8 years in the ’70s, while one won’t see his 70s. Another should’ve kept his damn mask on, while we wish the other was wearing a mask. Only one, however, had the West Week Ever!
I’ve never lusted after Mila Kunis like most guys my age. I think my problem is that I never forget your first impression on me (this is also why I’ve never been a Beyonce fan). It’s not that Mila’s first impression was bad – it’s just that she was 14. That ’70s Show premiered during my senior year of high school, and Mila had actually lied to the producers about her age in order to audition for the role of Jackie. Since I read and watch everything concerning stars, this was kinda off-putting to me. Age is a funny thing. If you’re 31 and your gf is 27, nobody bats an eye. If you’re 18 and your girlfriend is 14, you’re probably on a list somewhere. So, I averted my glance. Over the years, however, Mila has grown into a beautiful young woman. And she’s the voice of Meg Griffin, which is also a plus! Still, for all of this, I never really gave her much thought until this week. I’m sure you’ve all seen it by now. She gave an interview in the UK to a VERY starstruck interviewer, and it was GOLD. Plainly put, Mila comes off cool as shit. It’s not a “she’s so hot” thing. I genuinely want her to be my friend. Ya know, the one who’s really cool, but also kinda hot, so she makes your wife jealous? Yeah, that scenario. So, for just being the coolest chick of the week, Mila Kunis had the West Week Ever!
