28th Sep2010

2010-2011 TV Season: A Week’s Worth of Analysis

by Will

So, we’re a week into the 2010-2011 television season, and I decided that I needed to write up a little review in order to sort my thoughts on the shows. Since I love attention, I thought I’d share those opinions with you. You may have seen some of these thoughts on twitter, but I wanted to expand on some of them, as 140 characters can be a bit limiting. I didn’t take a lot of chances with new shows, ’cause they all wanna be the next Lost. I figure they’ll be canceled before they get the chance to actually disappoint me (plus, I never watched Lost), so I don’t even give them the chance. Most of these reviews pertain to returning sitcoms.

MONDAY

How I Met Your Mother (CBS): As we enter season 6, it seems that they’re now back on track in regards to the Ted-meeting-the-mother gimmick. There have been tons of interviews with the producers where they acknowledged missteps during season 5. They preferred doing standalone episodes last season, which critics called “sitcommy”. They hinted that the premiere was a game changer, but it didn’t feel like it. We were led to believe that the framing device had changed, so that now Old Ted was reflecting on his wedding day, while also reflecting back to the events that led to it. At the end of the episode, however, it seemed to be implied that Ted was actually the Best Man in the wedding scenario, leading us to wonder who might be the groom. It’s not Marshal, but could it be Barney? After all, who else is close enough to Ted that they would ask him to be their best man? I’m sure they’ll throw some kind of curveball into things, but for now there aren’t enough clues to really decide. In all, it was a pretty solid premiere.

Two and a Half Men (CBS): Returning for its 8th season, it’s the show that critics love to hate. It’s the butt of pop culture jokes, but it has lasted longer than many of the shows that criticized it. The popular joke is that it should just be called Three Men now, but I still think the concept works. There’s not a lot of character development here, so it’s basically the same show it was 7 years ago. This kind of show is PERFECT for strip syndication, as there are no real plots to follow. I did notice an interesting  joke, though: At the beginning Charlie Sheen’s character wakes up from a night of getting blackout drunk, and he doesn’t know where his pants are. When the housekeeper comes over, she hands him his pants, which she found in the mailbox. What I found odd, though, was that the pants were jeans. If you’ve watched more than 2 episodes of the show, you’ll know that Charlie NEVER wears jeans. He wears bowling shirts and shorts. Anyway, it was a pretty solid episode, even if it didn’t have a *premiere* feel to it.

Mike & Molly (CBS): This show is going to be interesting, from a behind-the-scenes perspective. Basically, it’s a sitcom about 2 overweight people who meet at Overeaters Anonymous. Most reviewers have said the same thing, but the problem is that the show doesn’t seem to know if the characters’ weight is the butt of the joke, or the thing that makes them endearing. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to root for them to lose weight, or if I’m supposed to learn to accept them at their current size. If it’s the latter, then I KNOW some media whore fitness guru, like Jillian Michaels or Jackie Warner, is gonna come out against the show because it “wants us to accept obesity as an acceptable lifestyle”. I expect it to be Jillian, as the latest season of The Biggest Loser just started.

TUESDAY

Glee (Fox): Well, the show everyone seems to love has returned. Since it’s a new school year, that means there are also new students. I said this on twitter, but I haven’t seen a “hear come the new kids” episode that heavyhanded since Head of the Class. I know they had a lot of points to hit, but it all just felt forced. In fact, it felt as forced as the songs. I’ve had a problem since Glee became a hit, and that’s the fact that the songs are now dictating the plot, rather than vice versa. Plus, it was nice when they pulled out older songs, while now it’s just a Top 40 showcase, with no real context for the songs. And don’t even get me started on the autotune effects. I also found it unnecessary to introduce new kids when they haven’t really utilized the ones they had. We just finally learned that Asian dude has abs and a speaking voice! Final problem: Rachel’s too hot this season. It’s not that the character wasn’t attractive, but she never really played it up. The thing with season premieres is that everyone has the new look they acquired over the summer, but she seemed to be a bit more fashionable than she had been in the past. Her old look was “slightly dated schoolgirl prep” – not the most “in” look, but it worked for her. Now, she seems to have gotten a bit more fashion-forward, and I don’t know if I like that for her character.

Raising Hope (Fox): A single camera comedy by the creators of My Name Is Earl. It is such the spiritual cousin of that show that I wouldn’t be surprised if they were set in the same universe. One unique thing about Earl, which I think was lost on the people who didn’t get it, was that it’s setting was always unknown. It was never said in which state Camden was located, and Earl was poor enough that he didn’t dabble in modern luxuries, so the show could have been set at any time period over the last 20 years, and you wouldn’t have known it. The same could be said about this show, where a young guy struggles to raise a baby – the product of a one night stand with killer who’s later executed. It felt like a Fox show, almost like a darker Malcolm in the Middle, but I don’t know if there’s really a home for that kind of show anymore, even on Fox. It’s got a Glee lead-in, so it’s being given a fighting chance on a silver platter.

Running Wilde (Fox): I hate this show. Really. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. It’s the kind of thing that should appeal to Arrested Development fans, but won’t, because it TRIES TOO HARD to appease them. Where AR was a smart show, this thing is just a live action cartoon. Will Arnett should only be taken in small doses, and Keri Russell is horribly miscast. I’m not going to get too upset because it’s only a matter of time before Fox ends up moving it to the graveyard of Friday Night (or worse, the Sunday 7:00 slot that’s always preempted by sports).

WEDNESDAY

Modern Family (ABC): Considered the best comedy of last season, Modern Family came back with a very non-premiere episode. It’s not that it wasn’t good, but it didn’t come out of the gate swinging. It felt like a non sweeps filler episode. Everyone was in character, but it just lacked any heft to it. I wonder if ABC’s showing the episodes out of order.

Cougar Town (ABC): It was great to see the gang again, and all of the Bill Lawrence quirk was intact. The Anniston cameo seemed wasted. She didn’t bring anything to that guest role, and it could’ve been saved for a ratings boost during sweeps. You don’t have to resort to stunt casting for a season premiere. People are tired of the 2 months of reruns, so they’ll show up. As much as I love the show, I’m always worried that ABC might not like it as much as I do. I haven’t heard anything about low ratings, but it seems like it has a loyal fan base, while it isn’t necessarily attracting a lot of new viewers. Some felt the name was off-putting, but the “cougar” aspect was mostly abandoned by the middle of last season. Now that it’s an ensemble show, I think it would appeal to anyone who liked Scrubs. You don’t have to like Courteney’s character, but you’re bound to love one of the characters.

THURSDAY

Community (NBC): The best thing about this show is how meta it is. It fully acknowledges sitcom tropes, and then uses them to its advantage. Just like with Cougar Town, the ensemble nature guarantees that you’ll love at least one of the characters. I enjoyed how Abed acknowledged how he wanted their return to school to be as epic as the time they played paintball, which was a reference to their most critically acclaimed episode from last season. It’s a show that knows what people wants, and it delivers.

Big Bang Theory (CBS): There was a slow build with this show. When it premiered, I never thought it would work. It seemed like a geeky, inverted Three’s Company, and it didn’t seem to know who it was targeting. Was middle America supposed to laugh at the nerds, or were geeks supposed to laugh at how dumb Penny seemed to be? Over the past 3 years, though, it has really found its stride. That’s why I was surprised to see it rock the boat so soon. For one thing, something about Sheldon in the premiere seemed…off. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe Jim Parsons is taking a new approach to the character, but it’s almost like he forgot his “voice” during the offseason, in a figurative and literal sense, as the Texas accent shone through more than usual. Also, considering “Sheldon as Asexual” has been a big part of his gimmick, I’m not quite sure where they want to take this Mayim Bialik thing. It was fine as a one-off, but she’s recurring now, and I don’t really enjoy those scenes. His shtick works because he was a virtual unknown before BBT, but she keeps making me think to myself “Why is Blossom acting like this?” It’s a hit, and CBS is banking on it as the anchor for their Thursday comedy block, but I feel like BBT is going to use this as their “phoning it in” season.

30 Rock (NBC): I hated last season. Too much Jack comedy when he’s supposed to be the straight man. They basically made Elizabeth Banks and Julianne Moore regulars, while completely stiffing us on Tracy and Jenna goodness. This is their season to make it right, especially since it’s the last season for Baldwin. I feel his departure will somehow be tied to the whole Kabletown purchase of NBC, but I’d like to see a return to the old 30 Rock before he leaves. There were a lot of jokes about how “nobody thought we’d make it five seasons”, so I enjoyed the 4th wall humor. The comic geek in me, however, thought there was something wrong with that timeline. After all, if we’re to believe that each season of 30 Rock is also a season of TGS, that means TGS has been on the air longer than 5 seasons, as Tracy Jordan was only brought in once the ratings started to slump, so the show had been on the air for some time by the pilot of 30 Rock. Maybe it premiered as a summer series? Anyway, I’m hoping for better things this season.

$#*! My Dad Says (CBS): Yeah, everybody knows about the twitter feed. Making it into a show, however, was a bad idea. I think everyone involved in development understood this, which is why they turned it into a Shatner vehicle. Again, as I said on twitter, the best part about the show is the MadTV reunion of Will Sasso and Nicole Sullivan. CBS has had Sullivan in a talent holding deal for years, so it’s good they’re finally doing something with it. That said, the characters feel wrong. I’m not sure about you, but I always got a bit of a gruff, blue collar feel from the @shitmydadsays twitter feed. I know “Dad” was a radiologist, but I didn’t really see him having shiny, nice things in his retirement. The show was developed by the Will & Grace team, and I feel they gave the setting a bit of a polish that’s out of place. The way the characters speak to each other is also full of W&G riffs, again out of place here. It’s all at a “New York pace”, if that makes any sense. It’s a show that feels like a pilot. It doesn’t seem fleshed out, and there’s really nowhere for it to go. The show could last 7 years, and it would still just be Shatner being Shatner. To get picked up as a series, it needed a marquee guy like Shatner, but I feel like the role would’ve been better served by someone like Kurtwood Smith. After all, he played this same kind of guy for 8 years on That ’70s Show.

The Office (NBC): This show should’ve ended with Jim & Pam’s wedding. If not then, the series finale could’ve been the birth of their baby. There’s no reason for this show to still be on, other than the fact that NBC has nothing to put in the slot. Sure, the ratings are still healthy, but the quality has been on the decline for some time. And Michael’s nephew? Are we going to be stuck with him next season, so that there’s always a member of the Scott clan around? It’s Carell’s last season, and I wouldn’t mind if Dunder-Mifflin saw this as the time to close up shop.

Outsourced (NBC): Young guy exits manager training for an American novelties corporation to find that everything has been outsourced to India. So, he either goes to India to train the call center, or he’s out of a job in a bad economy. What can I say about this show that hasn’t already been said? Plainly put, the plot is “America kicks ass, you backwards foreigners!” This would already be offensive if it involved someone from India coming to America, but the ethnocentrism is even more pronounced as the lead guy goes to India and tries to Americanize everyone and everything. The culture shock provides some humor, and there’s a spark of a message as the Indians fail to see why Americans waste time and money of something as trivial as fake vomit and foam fingers. That observation leaves the viewer with the hope that The American will actually learn more about himself once he gives in to the experience, rather than try to change everything. Then again, such an approach would mean he’d probably lose his job, which is the sole anchor of the loose plot. It’s clear that, should the show actually last, the main focus is going to be the love triangle between The American, The Aussie, and The Bollywood Queen, while the assistant manager schemes to get promoted to this Big Job. We’ve seen this all before, and the only thing that makes it “unique” is the setting. The problem is that Americans don’t know enough about India for this to be culturally acceptable. The only show to successfully pull off Indian humor was The Kumars at No. 42, and that was because it was created by an actual Indian who used his own experiences for inspiration. The show has a great cast, and it is inspired by a critically acclaimed indie film, but I’m not sure if it’s going to make it. Maybe it’s just a case of a weak pilot. I feel the goal is Northern Exposure, but the execution is Desmond Pfeiffer.

Not a lot to say about cable shows, as their seasons got underway over the summer, but Mad Men‘s still excellent, The League is a gem, and It’s Always Sunny is still as offensively hilarious as it’s always been.

Come back next time, when I’ll probably talk about comics.

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3 Comm
12th Jan2010

They Don’t Make ’80s Shows Like They Used To…

by Will

“Well, I’m not the kind to kiss and tell, but I’ve been seen with Farrah…”

In case you didn’t pick up on it from the current Knight Rider layout, I LOVE 80s action shows that ended up in Saturday syndication. I didn’t have much of a social life growing up, so a lot of my weekends were filled with shows like these. Don’t cry for me – I really enjoyed them, so these tend to provide nice escapist entertainment when I’m trying to remember “the good times”. Last night, I found myself staying up just to watch the pilot for The Fall Guy on Hulu. In case you’ve never seen it, The Fall Guy stars 70s leading man, Lee Majors, as Hollywood stuntman Colt Seavers. Generally, the life of a stuntman is a non-publicized, unappreciated one, as the leading man tends to get all of the credit for the roles. In order to pay his rent, Colt serves as a bounty hunter between films, taking jobs from his friend, “Big Jack”. He’s assisted by Douglas Barr (who went on to Designing Women cameos, and not much else) and 80s pinup beauty Heather Thomas.

The show is great because it follows the typical Glen A. Larson show model: cast a rugged leading man, get a cool vehicle (in this case, an elevated GMC pickup), and find a way for it to jump over shit. You saw it in Knight Rider, you saw it in Magnum P.I., and you see it here. Plus, it’s a lot like V.I.P., in that it’s Hollywood locale allows for cameos from C-list celebrities. Since Colt is a stuntman for well known stars, you’re always saying, “Hey, that’s James Coburn!” or “That’s Robert Wagner!” (on a side note, is there an 80s leading man more dapper than Robert Wagner in Hart to Hart? I mean, besides Brosnan in Remington Steele?).

Another thing I liked about this show was the frequency of bar fights. I swear, it was a dream of mine to get into a bar-fight and break a chair over a guy’s back. Sure, they hit people with chairs in wrestling, but on The Fall Guy, they actually broke wooden chairs over guys’ backs. Guns were available, but the fists spoke just as well as bullets. If anything, guns in these shows were only brandished in order to signal the end of the fistfights.

I posted the pilot because I really feel that this is the way to do television. They just don’t make pilots like this anymore. Sure, it’s dated, but it’s oh so good. Plus, there are a couple of highlights in this premiere:

-Lou fucking Rawls, as a black country star!

-Eddie Albert, of Green Acres fame, stars as a crooked sheriff who kills a kid in a drunken hit & run

-Terry Kiser (Weekend At Bernie’s) must have been the hardest working man in showbiz during that decade. This is his first Fall Guy appearance, but he returned 5 more times over the show’s run, always as a different character.

-Holy God! Young Delta Burke is H-O-T!

-The final 5 minutes of the show feature a surprise (well, it’s a surprise if you didn’t pay attention to the special guest starts listed at the beginning) appearance by Farrah Fawcett, who just a few years prior had been known as Farrah Fawcett-Majors. This is a BIG DEAL, as Lee and Farrah were basically the Brangelina of their time, yet were separated at the time of filming. It’s not just a cute scene, but it also seems to signal the end of an era. I know that Farrah’s death was overshadowed by the sudden demise of Michael Jackson, but I believe that no Farrah tribute is complete without this scene:

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0 Comm
12th Aug2008

Saved By The Bell Sick Day & Lil Wayne’s Virgin Fest Failure

by Will

“All of my friends have a ring on their finger, they have someone”

It’s been awhile, and I don’t even know where to begin. I’m actually sick right now, and had a kickass day off work. Well, that is, if “kickass” translates into “felt like I was going to boot for a 24-hr period”. Plus, I’m guessing the abundance of Clyde’s rum & cokes last night didn’t help matters, either.

Anyway, it was a GREAT day for daytime television. First off, I got to watch 2 of my favorite Saved By The Bell sagas, back-to-back. Things started off with the 2-parter where Jessie’s old-ass dad was gonna marry the aerobics instructor and Jessie wasn’t havin’ it! You know, there weren’t a lot of episodes focusing on Ms. Spano, but whenever she got center stage, it was always a doozy. She was a diabolical beeyotch in those episodes. Plus, if her dad owns that resort, she must be LOADED – which, btw, conflicts with the story we were told back in season 1, about her parents being hippy protestors. I mean, her dad is clearly suckling on the big, sweet teat of capitalism now. That was followed up by the “Sorry You’re Homeless at Christmas” saga. Yes, the show does establish Zack as quite the poonhound, but I will never see what he saw in that homeless girl. Sure, she was sweet, but wasn’t that the point? “Homeless girl with the heart of gold”? Zack’s never cared about golden hearts unless he could sell them. The older I get, the more smarmy Zack’s tactics appear. I’ve said it before, but I think if The College Years had made it to a second season, we might’ve seen a very special episode with a date rape charge.

Next, I watched an all-day marathon of the short lived UPN show, Jake 2.0. Damn, was that a good show! Long story short, it’s The Six Million Dollar Man meets Chuck. Anyway, thanks to the show, my new celebrity crush is Keegan Connor Tracy. Go ahead and Google her, I’ll wait.

Then, I watched an entertaining episode of Gunsmoke, complete with William Katt playing a criminal, and a young Nick Nolte as a dead sheriff’s deputy. Say what you will about modern entertainment, but TV was awfully violent back then.

Then, I was surprised to stumble across Love, Actually, which is one of my favorite movies of all time (I love you, Martine McCutcheon!). Plus, this was followed up by A Goofy Movie, another of my favorite movies of all time (I love you, voice of Jenna Von Oy, attached to the sweet ass of Jenna Von Oy!). All this was capped off by a fresh episode of Ben 10: Alien Force, and my regularly scheduled Tuesday night onslaught of Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? If not for the fact that I felt like shit, it would’ve been a great day.

Let me just say that I don’t give a flying shit about professional sports, but I have loved every minute of the Brett Favre saga. You see, ever since There’s Something About Mary, Brett has belonged to pop culture. I don’t think I’d ever visited ESPN.com in my life, but it was a regular fixture on the BlackBerry over the past month. It might be worth me actually paying attention to football this season, just to see how this all plays out on the field.

So, I also went to Virgin Mobile Fest again over the weekend. Not as action-packed as last year. Foo Fighters were clearly the best act of Saturday, while I think Kanye took the title on Sunday. Kanye’s still dealing with the death of his mom, so he just starts freestyling and going on these rants, but you know they’re coming from someplace deep inside. You wonder if he’s having a breakdown right in front of you, but it’s a powerful form of “group therapy”. I LOVED Chromeo, and everyone should buy their album, Fancy Footwork. That’s right, I said BUY. Can’t get “Momma’s Boy” out of my head. The most… interesting performance, however, had to have been Lil’ Wayne.

So, Weezy F. Baby comes out on stage 45 mins late. By this point, the majority of the crowd has already begun to boo the stage. His posse comes out for about 10 mins, and they just strut around to a pre-recorded track. When he finally comes out, Weezy decides to get religious on us. He tells us that, first, he believes in God. He then, for some reason, asks the crowd if they do, as well, which is met with a pretty resounding “no”. Not sure if it was because they’re pissed at him, or if the Virgin Mobile Fest is simply the largest atheist music festival since John Lincoln’s “Jesus Ain’t In My Guitar” Tour of 1987. * Anyway, he goes into all his hits, plus he runs through all the guest verses he’d done on other people’s albums, which was a bit weird. You’d hear the music start for “Put On”, Weezy’d sing his verse, and then he’d move on to the next song. Then, he really kicks us in the collective balls: he surprises us with Kanye coming out (5 hrs before his own set) so they can do the Lollipop Rmx. Kanye gets through his verse, and when it’s Weezy’s turn, he gets 3 words into it, stops, and says, “Aw, man. I don’t even know that verse noway!” And he’s done. He doesn’t start back up. He doesn’t try to finish up by switching to the album version. No, he’s done. He proceeded to tell us hw much he loved us, which kicked off Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You”, and he ran around the stage. Then, they covered him in a red, terrycloth robe and he left the stage. I shit you not…

Energy levels fading fast. Well, that’s all I’ve got until next time. Oh, and I hate the New Facebook. Just sayin’…

*Don’t Google it – I made that shit up.

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1 Comm
30th Jan2008

My Chat With William Katt and Star Trek Musings

by Will

“Live every week like it’s Shark Week!”

OK, I’m working on a LONG post right now, so this is gonna be a shorter one.

-So, a childhood dream of mine kind of came true today: I got a phone call from The Greatest American Hero! You know, “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air…”. Yeah. William Katt, star of the 80′s hit. He’s working on a top secret project, but he’d been in touch with one of my teammates at work.

I know I’ve written about this before, but that was probably the only show we watched as a family before my dad died. So, I’ve got memories. Anyway, my teammate told William about me and my fanboyness, so he actually gave me a call. I feel so bad because I was having a bad day and totally answered the phone like an a-hole. When he identified himself, I couldn’t believe it. The dude was awesome. I went all fanboy-stupid and couldn’t really tell you all the stuff that fell out of my mouth. I remember telling him that I was Pippin in high school and that I based my interpretation on video of his Broadway run as the character. Anyway, he was such a nice and gracious guy, and he even gave me his cell. Told me to let him know if I ever needed anything and that he’d be swinging through town on the promo circuit and he’d loved to meet with me. I was floored! One down, only Hasselhoff, Adam West, Stan Lee, John Schneider, and Tom Wopat to go!

-Everyone likes to think of Star Trek‘s Uhura as some kind of pioneer in breaking television’s color barrier. In a way, that’s true. On the other hand, she really wasn’t that important of a character. Sure, they call her the ship’s “communications officer”, but she was really just an operator. She worked the switchboards. So, if anything, Uhura started a longstanding tradition of Black women working at the phone company. Next time your bill payment isn’t registered, or you have to log a service complaint, thank Uhura for your fifteen-minute wait time. In the meantime, enjoy that Muzak!

-Speaking of Star Trek, the trailer for the new movie has got me having a Trekkie relapse. I’ve kept it buried inside since the end of DS9, but I’m feelin’ a resurgence. Sadly, I even find myself liking Enterprise. ENTERPRISE! The Scott Bakula thing that wouldn’t even acknowledge it was a Star Trek show until its third season! Anyway, like the critics used to say, it really is a much sexier show than any of the other spin-offs. Plus, I like when my Starfleet officers curse. You’d never hear Jean-Luc or Will Riker yell, “Well, son of a bitch!” You’ll hear that on Jonathan Archer’s ship. Plus, every woman in the Mirror Universe wears a halter top. It’s the little things in life…

-I have a crazy crush on Jane Krakowski right now. As if Tina Fey and her sexy/geeky/cool didn’t make 30 Rock hard enough to watch, seeing Jane as the aloof, self-absorbed starlet takes the cake. Plus, I have to give her credit for only getting more beautiful with age. Anyone who remembers her from Ally McBeal knows she was “the thick one”. There was Calista Flockhart: the skinny one; Courtney Thorne-Smith: the one that every viewer related to, and Jane: the thick, not as pretty as the other two, one. But at 39, she looks amazing these days. For further proof, watch the 30 Rock eps that either feature her Maxim shoot or her “Muffin Top” music video.

-Speaking of music, Jordin Sparks’s “Tattoo” is a horrible debut single. I mean, it’s catchy. I’ll give it that. Just like Chris Brown’s “With You”, it’s a pretty weak song, with weak lyrics, and a basic sound structure. That said, they’re both catchy as Hell. Regardless, it’s not the debut single of an American Idol.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but Idol debuts tend to be pretty…meta. In other words, the songs are basically the winner singing about how awesome it is to win AI. “A Moment Like This”? Kelly lived a lifetime to win AI. Ruben’s “Flying Without Wings” doesn’t count because it was a song written for Westlife and just reused (Simon was one of Westlife’s managers). Nobody remembers Fantasia’s “I Believe”, which is sad considering AI alum Tamyra Gray wrote it. Carrie Underwood stole the country crowd with “Inside Your Heaven”, which doubles as a love song, but also affirms that she wants to be in the hearts and minds of her fans. “Do I Make You Proud?” Well, Taylor was hoping he did. And then his label dropped him. Technically, “This is My Now” is Jordin’s debut, which follows the Idol formula, but it never stuck. Now, we’ve got this song that sounds like it was written for JoJo or something. Plus, if it truly is following the this-song-is-about Idol formula, she’s basically saying that the experience is something she’s never gonna be able to shake. It’s grafted onto her for-fucking-ever. Unless she has painful surgery. That’s pretty ominous if ya ask me…The longer this show lasts, the more I’m convinced that the well is running dry.

In fact, I’m starting to feel like those old people who think today’s music is crap. I mean, who thought Keyshia Cole had talent?! Sure, I get the whole she’s-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks angle, but damn! She’s a studio artist , at best, as all the live stuff I’ve seen makes her sound like an epileptic rooster.

-If I see another Arthur Suydam zombie cover on a comic, I’m going to track him down and shoot him in the face. This is a gimmick that has gone on about 2 years too long.

-In closing, apparently, I’m an idiot. I hardly ever comment on the stuff in my comments section as it seems that people find my site 3 months after a post, and comment on something ancient. That said, somebody decided to anonymously point out my idiocy, mainly, because I have class. If you remember my last Whose Wedding post, I pretty much crapped all over a planner named Linyette. Well, my view stands. She’s tacky as hell. I don’t want my party favors to be spray-painted shit from the Dollar Store. Like the commentor said, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, and that’s mine. Thanks for stopping by, though.

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1 Comm
14th Dec2007

Dirty Pokemon, Black Snake Eyes, New Knight Rider, and Tribute To Ike Turner

by Will

“I thought you made love like an ugly woman. So present, so grateful.”

Dear TNT,
There are other shows in the world than Charmed and Law & Order. I appreciate what you’re trying to do. You’re going for a whole theme thing. But, really? There’s a whole world of syndicated shows out there, just waiting to be mined. I don’t think anyone’s airing The Fall Guy right now. Or how about that old show, The Wizard, with the midget who made toys that helped him “MacGuyver” out of bad situations? Just a thought…

So, I’ve been losing my mind lately, as Toys “R” Us is now open until midnight for the whole holiday rush. For those of you new to these parts, I work evenings and weekends at Toys “R”Us, or as I like to call it, “my student loan job”. Staying open til midnight can be trying considering that’s just the time at which we start turning away customers. Actually leaving the store is a whole different matter. This past Wednesday, we didn’t get out until 2 AM. Keep in mind that the employees are high school students, mothers, and people with other jobs. It makes no sense to me, seeing as how we have a capable night crew, staffed with baby mama’s and ex convicts. Can’t they clean the store?! But I digress…

During this season, our minds start to wander, and the subject matter of our conversations isn’t exactly suited for our environment. For example, a few weeks back, one of my coworkers remarked that he’s both vulgar and nice. I told him that his Pokemon name would be “Vulgice”. Then, his evolutions would either be Vul-Va or VulGina. Yeah…

Recently, though, we’ve been having a lot of discussions/arguments regarding the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. The guys were remarking that, regardless of how Hollywood decides to fuck it up, the movie won’t be complete without Snake Eyes. Now, this is when one of the guys decided to say that there was a time when everyone thought Snake Eyes was Black, and how disappointed he was when he turned out to be some White guy. Now, first of all, this is a common Black thing to say, as we’re always trying to claim someone in the media. Mariah Carey? She’s ours. The Rock? Yeah, he’s ours, too. O.J.? He’s ours as long as he’s acquitted. Anyway, it was weird to hear this, though, as the assertion was now coming from a White guy.

So, I had to search long and hard and think if there was ever any indication that Snake Eyes was a Black guy. As far as G.I. Joe goes, all Black members have to carry a big ass gun. And rhyme. See: Roadblock; Cross-reference: Heavy Duty. Snake Eyes didn’t rhyme and he carried swords. Not a compelling case.

Then, there’s the fact that Snake Eyes dates Scarlett. Sure, in the cartoon, she was with Duke, but in every other form of media, he’s knockin’ those redheaded boots. Now, have you ever seen a Black guy with a redhead? Have you? For real? If you have, can you find out his secret for me?

Next, there’s the fact that he’s a ninja. I’ll admit that I was surprised he was just a blond cornhusker, myself, as he was a master ninja…who’d fought in Vietnam. This is the real clincher, as I realized there could never be a black ninja. Sure, a ninja might wear Black, but he could never be Black? Why? Because ninjas have to be quiet. There, I said it. You know you were thinking it, too!

A Black ninja would be flossin’ and shit, and would never pull off the element of surprise:
“I’m a ninja, son! Look at this big-ass sword, woadie! I’m ’bout to cut you, fool! You betta check yo self ’cause I’m ’bout to ninja. yo. ass!”

But, knowing Hollywood, if they want to be hip and edgy, movie Snake Eyes will probably be Black. And played by Chris Tucker. Thanks, assholes.

Speaking of Hollywood ruining cool, black concepts, I leave you with this: The other day, I was stalking a friend on facebook, and one of his friends is a page at NBC/Universal. Her status mentioned that she was watching the new K.I.T.T. models roll of the truck. For the uninformed, NBC’s filming a new Knight Rider movie which, if successful, will lead to a new series focusing on Michael Knight’s son. Well, when I saw this message, I almost wet myself. I wanted to send her a message. After all, this woman was like an angel to me; my link to my savior: a talking, condescending car. Just looking at my site, you’ve *got* to see the Knight Rider influence. Anyway, I held off, and decided to find more info on the project myself. And here’s what shattered my childhood memories:

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU CALL THIS K.I.T.T.?!!

I swear, every night when I say my prayers, I pray that someone would bring back Team Knight Rider. Or at least release it on DVD. On the bright side, at least these producers got The Hoff to agree to come back, which is something TKR never pulled off.

This post is dedicated to the late, great Ike Turner. I believe there are two sides to every story, and poor Ike never got his fair shake. So, I hope he’s in Heaven, slapping and beating up angels…

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17th Oct2007

Saved By The Bell: The College Years AKA The Adventures of Loser Zach & AC Sanchez

by Will

“In five years, we’ll all either be working for him, or be dead by his hand.”

So, the other morning, I caught Saved By The Bell, but it was from the era that many seem to have missed out on: The College Years. Everyone seems to know about the Miss Bliss stuff, even if they don’t realize that it never really “happened”. The same could be said for the Tori era, as every 20-something has gotten drunk with friends, and the topic eventually comes up, met with a “What the fuck was up with that? Where were Jessie & Kelly?” Sadly, though, most of my generation jumped ship at The College Years/New Class era. It seems they had just had enough. I’m not sure if the College Years attrition was due to the move to prime-time, or sheerly the fact the Bill Cosby was right, and that college truly is a different world from where you come from.

I’ll admit, the college season certainly blew the wind out of our sails. I think the producers had a lot to answer for, as they made high school seem like a veritable wonderland, where everyone was cool and even the nerds were popular. I think I speak for all of us when I say we were quite pissed off to find the contrary to be true. In terms of the college season, though, they were finally honest with themselves. No one was safe. Remember how Zach was the coolest kid on Earth in high school, with his cool hair and his time-out powers? Not so much in the college years. He was doughy, needed a haircut (his longer hair wasn’t even that stylish for ’93), and his schemes just didn’t work anymore. Our hero was now a mere mortal. And it wasn’t fun to watch.

One thing that the college years couldn’t do as well as the original series was the “very special episode”. I remember the Johnny Dakota anti-drug episode, with NBC’s then-president, Brandon Tartikoff. Everyone remembers the “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so…scared” episode. But did anyone see the College Years’ entry into the field? No? Well, allow me to tell you about it.

Seeing as how college is all about “finding yourself”, SBTB:TCY decided to focus on identity development. There’s an episode where this Latina has a thing for Slater, and begins flirting with him in Spanish. Unfortunately, poor Albert Clifford doesn’t know what the Hell she’s saying. He’s wondering why she thinks he knows Spanish, while she it muy disappointed that he doesn’t know his native tongue. She tries to convince him that he’s from the Southern hemisphere, but he just ain’t hearing it. Let me point out that she’s one of those campus revolutionary chicks. You know the kind…she’s hot because she’s got passion, and usually some weak guy will end up chaining himself to the student union, in some poor attempt to impress her and get into her hemp panties. Who am I kidding? Those chicks don’t wear panties!

So, A.C. calls home and confronts his dad, the good solider, about the crazy things this chick is saying. Well, it turns out that A.C Slater is actually A.C. Sanchez, as his father changed his name when he joined the Army. Apparently, it would help him blend in and move up the ranks better.
Now, A.C.’s got some soul-searching to do. I’ve written about it before, but it’s the whole Bill Cross Model of Minority Identity Development. That was Slater’s “encounter”, so next he throws himself into the cause, and turns on his Zach and Screech because they “just don’t understand”. Eventually, they have one of those sitcom endings, where Slater realizes he’s gone a bit overboard, while his friends reassure him that they’ll accept him regardless of his background, and that they’ll all get through it together.

Here’s what always got me: how the Hell didn’t Slater know he was Latino? How many other Jheri-curled, silk shirt & parachute pants-wearing kids were there are Bayside? None. Now, Slater never exactly acknowledged his geneology in the past, but he once referred to Bolivia. Now, he was an Army brat, so maybe he got confused. However, he couldn’t have thought he was White! First off, he was the only one who could dance. He was even better than Lisa, and her lame-ass “The Sprain”.

In a way, I want to blame Bayside. It was never a bastion of diversity. As far as black kids, there was Lisa Turtle (who doesn’t really count), and there was the Black nerd who had the Wolfman Jack voice. Now, I commend Peter Engel for going with a Black nerd, as opposed to the obvious Asian choice. Then again, there were no Asians at Bayside. I think someone better call the school board! Anyway, the black kids increased their numbers when that old-looking freshman popped up senior year, and asked Lisa to the Welcome Back dance. Man, was she embarassed! But I digress…If Slater had grown up in a more diverse environment, perhaps this revelation, or “revelación”.

It was a heavy-handed attempt at best. On the one hand, I want to commend SBTB for thinking outside the usual box. No zit-before-prom episodes. No we-got-ripped-off-buying-class-rings” episode. Not even a “I-get-radio-signals-through-my-dental-work” episode. The writers were moving to bigger and better things, but it fell with a thud. I’ve always wondered what we might have seen had the show continued another season. Maybe the “Screech celebrates Passover” episode. Or the “Alex has an eating disorder (College Years character; look her up). Or, maybe even the “Zach deals with his collegiate douchebaggery” episode. I’ve got to be honest: Bayside Zach was the kid that we all wanted to grow up to be, while California University Zach isn’t very likeable. Let’s face it, College Zach had “date rapist” written all over him…

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24th Jul2007

OutBlacked!

by Will

“You’re, like, my Black Spock…like in Voyager.”

OK, I should be asleep, but I had another weird TVLand observation I needed to write about. After the whole Good Times thing, I caught an episode of Star Trek. A lot of people don’t realize that, despite my love for the franchise, I am not that much of a fan of the Original Series; I like The Next Generation onward. Lately, however, TVLand has been showing the classics, like when the crew goes up against Space Lincoln. Well, this morning was the Khan episode, “Space Seed”.

A lot of you may know Khan as “the villain with the bitchin’ pecs from Star Trek II”. Yes, that is Khan, but he first appeared in the series. When they find Khan, he’s on a derelict freighter, with about 70 other people. They’ve been frozen since the 1990s, and the Enterprise crew tries to figure out what their story might be. To me, though, the crux of the episode is that Khan is such a charismatic motherfucker, and he macks one of Kirk’s women off the bat. This is a process that I like to call “Outblacking”. Kirk was essentially outblacked by Khan. How does this work? Well, let me tell you.

The “outblack” concept was something I came up with in college. When you have a frat party, and one Black guy, the odds are in Black guy’s favor because he has a card that he can play at any point. He can remain quiet and enjoy the dip, or he can bust out and become the life of the party, making the other (mainly White) guys insecure. He has, in effect, outblacked them. But here’s where things get hairier. Say, you have a guy like me as “the Black guy”, but in walks a thug. His street cred is stronger than my kung fu. By virtue of his “keepin’ it real”, I’ve been outblacked. He is then entitled to my women and my kick ass party reputation. From that point, I either have to leave the party, or try to act like we’re friends, so that everyone else thinks we know each other (don’t all Black people know each other anyway?), therefore leeching off his blackness chi. You can see this played out every weekend in clubs across America. It’s the most base form of Black on Black crime.

James T. Kirk is the pimp of the Alpha Quadrant. Because pop culture seems to imply that sex appeal and sheer and utter pimpness are “Black concepts” (see Bill Clinton), this makes Kirk Black. Well, here comes Khan and he seems to snatch the one chick on the Enterprise who wouldn’t give Kirk any play. Surprise, Kirk! You’ve been outblacked! And all it took was a Mexican with Jesus hair. She didn’t even get a chance to see that magnificent chest of his.

I’m thinking about contacting some BET people, and seeing if Outblacked! would make a good show. After all, they put Hell Date on the air, so I really don’t think they can find much fault with my idea…

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24th Jul2007

JJ Gives Up His Ticket Out Of The Ghetto: Good Times Analysis

by Will

“Why’d she have to take her candyass back to Norway?!”

Dr. Phil said it was OK to look, but he sure as Hell didn’t tell me what I’d find…

I’m going on very little sleep right now, so bear with me. This isn’t exactly a stream-of-consciousness post, but it’s going to be sort of scattered.

Last night, I caught the oddest episode of Good Times ever. It was like the writers decided to just pretend that the Evans’ weren’t poor. Because anyone who’s ever seen Good Times knows that that is the plot of every episode: we’re poor, we don’t know how we’re gonna make it, but our family will get us through. Basically, the plot of Good Times is pretty much covered in the theme song to 227.

So, in this episode, I guess the producers wanted to try something different. It’s not that the Evans family wasn’t poor now, but it wasn’t the main focus of the show this time around. JJ was putting together a singing group with Michael as the lead singer. Thelma was their choreographer, while Willona was their songwriter. Anyway, GT used to do a lot of “Here’s Michael singing” episodes, as Ralph Carter was a Tony Award-winning musical star. This performance stood out, however, because he was incredibly tone deaf. I guess it just goes to show you that they didn’t overdub back in those days.

So, JJ takes the group to a nightclub because there’s a talent show, with a grand prize of $150. And this money will come in handy because the Evanses are poor. How the Hell they were going to happily split $150 between 8 people is beyond me, but I wasn’t exactly alive in 1976, so maybe things were different then. Well, at the nightclub, they find out they can’t perform because Michael’s only 15, and it’s an establishment that sells alcohol. The group turns on JJ and they storm out of the club. While he’s sulking, he meets Judith Cohen. This is where the episode gets weird.

Judith Cohen is this overweight, self-deprecating, redheaded Jewish chick who wants to be a star. At the same time, she doesn’t chase her dream because she doesn’t believe in herself. Well, JJ finds that he’s a manager without a group, and Judith professes that she’s a group without a manager. Wow, that is some hardcore self-deprecation. So, the decide to join forces, and JJ sees this chick as his ticket out of the ghetto. The part that struck me, though, was that he latched onto her without ever hearing her sing. I thought it was going to turn out that she was terrible, and he’d truly latched onto a loser. In any case, he took her to Thelma to learn some dance steps, and Willona was going to do her costume. JJ was determined to make sure Judith won that competition. All this, and still nobody had heard her sing a note.

Well, competition time comes, and Judith gets onstage. At first, she’s kind of hokey, poking fun at herself in some Vaudevillian act. Next thing you know, she launches into this moving rendition of Send in the Clowns, which had an emotional resonance that I’d never experienced from that show before. Well, of course Judith wins the competition. Next thing I know, there’s Dean Travers from Three’s Company, and for once, he’s not being smarmy. He wants to sign Judith to sing weekly in his restaurant, but that plan is squashed when JJ refuses to hand Judith over to this more established manager who just pops in out of nowhere. Apparently, this guy had clout, and he controlled all of the musical acts in Chicago. If JJ wouldn’t give Judith to him, he’d make sure she never worked again. So, JJ decides that it’s more important for her to showcase her talent than for him to hold onto her, so he lets her go. Yes, he gives up his ticket out of the ghetto (which, oddly, was a white girl), by giving her to The Man. Sure, that’s probably not how I was supposed to read into that episode, and it was 4:30 in the morning, but that’s the message I walked away with. It could also be interpreted that the Black man was never going to better his situation as long as he had something that the White man wanted. Once again, probably overanalyzing. Man, I need sleep…

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16th May2007

Dress My Nest, Scrubs, Reality TV Background Characters, and The Future of Syndication

by Will

“And when the sky is falling, don’t look outside your window.”

So, I actually posted the other night, but due to a faulty wifi connection, it has been lost to space. Yup, no backup and nothing in the drafts folder. It sucks, too, because it was pretty stream of consciousness. I don’t even remember what it was about at this point.

Anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately, and this is sort of my State of the Television Address:

1) On Dress My Nest, former Queer Eye decorator Thom Filicia redesigns womens’ living areas to reflect their clothing style. This premise sounds sort ot hokey, but I’ll go with it. My problem, though, is with his assistant, Erika. I’ve read a lot of reviews on the show, and the general conclusions is that she’s probably there for Thom to bounce ideas off of, yet comes off sort of useless.

After watching the past 6 episodes, I’ve come to realize what she *really* is: She’s Thom’s hag. You see, we’ve got this whole stereotyped culture where no gay man is complete without his best galpal. And there’s the counter stereotype that no Big City single woman is complete without her “gay husband”. Yet, what strikes me is that Erika is very attractive. Not your standard hag material, which then made me realize that she’s the worst kind of hag: she’s single hottie hag who’s high maintenance as Hell. She’s the chick who just can’t find that “perfect guy”, and falls in love with Thom between her failed relationships. He ain’t having it, and would rather help her pick out a new pair of shoes. Or maybe this is all in my head and I’m going too far…

2) I don’t think there’s a better comedy than Scrubs on TV. That said, I find that Scrubs is usually so wrapped up in gimmicks that the special gimmick episodes don’t work. Case in point, the “sitcom” parody episode was on last night, and it’s really not that funny. I’m not sure if it was supposed to be unfunny, as a sort of slight at the genre, or if the formula just didn’t work for them. Scrubs never would have made it as a multi-camera, live-studio-audience sitcom. Then again, Three’s Company never would have made it as a single camera, non-laughtracked comedy. The musical episode of Scrubs also left a lot to be desired.

3) Man, what happened to The Riches? It started out so promising, and now I don’t even care anymore. I feel that’s the problem with most shows on FX. They are all about these amoral, anti-hero characters, that you don’t know whether you want to root for them or see them get caught in their lies. Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me, the Shield, Dirt, The Riches… all of these shows are mired in this, and while it has proven successful, I wish FX would stop going back to the well.

4) I feel bad for the employees of work-based reality shows who *don’t* get to be cast members. From Inked, to King of Cars, to Work Out, there are people who work at these establishments who just aren’t considered “TV” enough to be featured. How does this happen? I mean, do they film really early before the rest of the employees get to work? Do they give them paid days off to repay them for stealing their shot at fame?

If you hop over to www.skysportspa.com, you’ll see that there are about 22 trainers working for Jackie Warner, yet only 7 are in the Work Out cast. Now, I understand the need to keep things contained, but I’d love to swap out a few people. Erika contributed almost nothing to this season, so I’d love to replace her with Aimet, who appears to be the most ripped Black woman I’ve ever seen. In fact, Aimet and a few other of the female trainers snuck into episode 2 this season, when Jackie decided to have her girls night slumber party. They still didn’t let Aimet speak, though. I think they should rotate the cast in and out, because I like the show, but I’m tired of most of the trainers.

5) I am all about the Andy Griffith Show right now. I’m not sure why, but something about its downhome sensibility hits all the right notes lately. Also, Sheriff Taylor has some beautiful girlfriends, from Ellie the Pharmacist to Teach Extraordinaire, Helen Crump. It’s amazing that such a slackjawed everyman pulled women like that. Don’t get me wrong; I know that Andy Griffith was considered a handsome man back then, but there was something very “Clark Kent” about that role. Almost like they didn’t want him to come off too suave, so instead, he becomes this slow, drawling nice guy.

6) Speaking of frumping up for a role, I’ve had a real hard time watching I Love Lucy in recent years. The more I learn about that cast, the more I wish the show had been a reality show moreso than a sitcom. First, Vivian Vance was the hot one, but was uglied up so that she wouldn’t overshadow Lucille Ball. Vance had the more established career, until that show came along and pretty much had her typecast for life. Also, though, anytime I see a Fred & Ethel scene, it’s weird knowing that they’re not acting. William Frawley *hated* Vivian Vance, and on numberous occasions, referred to her as “That cunt”. Sure, it’s a classic sitcom, but I’m wondering “what if?” What if Vance had broken out as a sitcom star? What if she had been cast as Lucy? Would she have, then, married Desi Arnaz instead? It boggles the mind…

7) How I Met Your Mother is renewed for another season! Rock on! This actually wasn’t a surprise to me. I had a conversation with a guy from CBS last week, and I asked him about the fates of The Class and HIMYM. So, when CBS made the announcement yesterday, I was in the know. Man, it’s nice to actually “know a guy”.

8) Nick @ Nite’s qualifications are really starting to piss me off. So, everything I grew up with is now on N@N, yet there are glaring omissions. Family Matters? Hogan Family? Alf? My Two Dads? I know that these things are wrapped up in contracts, but it seems like Nick’s hurting when they resort to showing AFV. I mean, America’s Funniest Videos already comes on 2 other cable networks, which *aren’t* owned by Viacom, so what’s the need to take away a valuable N@N slot with something you can already see 3 times a day. it would be like giving Seinfeld a N@N slot (which, mark my words, should be about 3 years away.)

9)I think The CW or MyNetworkTV should buy up all of the TNBC library and run it weekday afternoons. People my age don’t realize it, but there aren’t any kids programs on basic TV in the afternoon anymore. Fox Kids was sold to Disney back in 2002, Kids WB went weekend only back in 2005. The only programming is on PBS, and it’s mostly for toddlers. The Saved by the Bell rights are always snatched up since it’s considered this “classic”, but I would kill a man to see California Dreams again. Or Hang Time. Or City Guys. Or even the horrible Malibu, CA or USA High (not TNBC, but still Peter Engel shows). When Aaron Spelling died, people always spoke of how many shows he’d created. That’s great and all, but when Peter Engel passes away, I hope he gets the same accolades. The man single-handedly programmed NBC’s Saturday morning for more than 10 years. Sure, a lot of it was crap, but so were most of Aaron Spelling’s creations.

10)Everyone’s worried about global warming. OK, I’ll take on a lesser cause. I’m worried about syndication. There used to be a rule that, to be syndicated, a show needed to be on the air for 3 seasons OR 100 episodes (whichever comes first). 3 seasons would yield about 66-70 episodes, but once you hit the 100 mark, you were set for life. That’s why Tina Yothers doesn’t work. That Family Ties money is still rolling in. You won’t be rich, but you won’t starve either.

Nowadays, though, shows aren’t lasting that long. It used to be that I could predict which shows would be entering sydication the next season. Then, the internet came about, and it would announce these things. But the cold, hard truth is that we’re running out of shows for syndication. These slots are being filled by court shows. Around here, *nothing* entered syndication this year. All they did was shuffle what was already there. Will & Grace, Girlfriends, Friends, Raymond…Nothing new.

Next fall, there’s Chappelle and Family Guy. One is good and one is bad. Family Guy has enough episodes to keep it nightly, but Chappelle only has about 30 episodes available. This can’t be “stripped” (meaning shown 5 days a week) because you’d burn through it in a month. Hence, this is the type of show that you put on Saturday nights, after the news and Mad TV. When no one’s watching. Plus, it’ll be cut for syndication (all syndicated episodes are trimmed about 2 mins to make room for commercials) and edited for content.

I’m not saying that I want crap shows to last just for us to have syndicated shows (this actually happens a lot, especially when a studio is trying to recoup their money). I am saying, however, that we need to find alternative show sources. Maybe go back to the 80′s concept of 1st-run syndication. This is when you take a show that has never been on a network before, and you just put it on a crap station like a former UPN affiliate during a saturday afternoon. Small Wonder, Hercules, Too Close For Comfort, Mama’s Family, Xena and Baywatch were all successful in first-run syndi. Also, game shows, like Jeopardy & “The Wheel” are considered 1st-run syndi. I know that “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” is adopting the concept this summer, but it’s also simulcast on TBS, so it really doesn’t count.

If we don’t act now, what will our fat children watch on the weekends, as they resist our pleas for them to go out and play? What about the kids?!

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27th Apr2006

Meatwad, NOT Screech!

by Will

“I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”

Why the FUCK is “Saved By The Bell” on Adult Swim?!!!! Somebody answer me! WHY THE FUCK IS “SAVED BY THE BELL” ON ADULT SWIM?!!!! It is for cartoons only! CARTOONS ONLY! We have TVLand for that. Nick @ Nite, if you must. But NOT Cartoon Network. And CERTAINLY NOT Adult Swim. That is reserved for Family Guy and bad anime imports. Thank you, and good night.

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