In my attempt to turn a negative situation into a positive one, I’ve found myself saddled with watching a 4th grade class during their lunch period. First, let’s roll it back a little. You see, the school where I work had 2 campuses. That quake that everyone made fun of for being weak and puny? Well, it destroyed our second campus. We’ve all been under one roof for the past 2 months, but our board just decided to call it a day, and officially made us one school. This also resulted in 25 staff members being laid off. But still we move forward or some jazz. So, we all gotta pitch in like the war effort, and I’ve been given Mrs Doubtfire duty (I dress like a woman for kicks). What I found, however, is that it’s not that bad. I mean, fourth graders are almost like real people. It’s really fascinating. They don’t even eat their meals out of feed bowls. I tell ya, I’m learning all sorts of Discovery Channel shit from this! So, since I had them at my disposal, I figured I’d try to get to know them – ya know, really get into the head of a typical 4th grader in America.
First up, they’re all really into werewolves and vampires. Half the class has already read Twilight, which is shocking and sad at the same time. I asked if they were Team Edward or Team Jacob. They totally had some opinions there. Predominantly, however, it seems to be a werewolf skewing class. In fact, yesterday they explained to me how they’d been sired. Apparently, Sean was bitten, and then he scratched Mike, who then bit Carter, and so on. I can’t wait to hear their thoughts on cooties and the AIDS epidemic. Anyway, I asked if their parents every caught them turning into werewolves at night. They said no, but that a few of their parents suspected they might be werewolves.
Next, they showed me a Scholastic book that was a Who’s Who of the monster scene. I’m talking chupacabra, vampires, werewolves, snakewomen harpies, the works! When we got to the page of a succubus, Ken said “That’s my girlfriend right there.” “Oh, really?” I asked. “How did you two meet?” He said “Well, she was sick and in the hospital. I turned her into a vampire and saved her.” Kid never missed a beat. Like Kenneth from 30 Rock, “In 5 years, we’ll either be working for him, or dead by his hand.”
Today, I asked them about the movies they’d seen recently, which they’d always counter with a “Did you see ____?” One girl told me that she had seen Black Swan. Yes, THATBlack Swan. I asked who let her watch that thing, and she said she’d watched it with her grandpa. I asked her what she thought of it. I loved her response: “It was scary…and inappropriate.” From the mouths of babes!
Since they were the correct demographic, I decided to allow them to settle an online debate for me: what did they think of Power Rangers Samurai? After all, adult fans hate it, but it’s not for us. It’s for the kids. Apparently, and I quote, “Power Rangers Samurai is the most awesome Power Rangers ever!” Keep in mind, they also lost their collective shit when I mentioned Supah Ninjas. Plus, I don’t trust any kid that doesn’t watch iCarly (half of the class is comprised of girls, and none of them watch iCarly!).
I also found out that WAY too many of them are watching Family Guy, American Dad, and The Boondocks. I told one, “You’re too young for The Boondocks!” he just shook his head and said “I know. When I go over to my cousin’s house, he’s always watching it.”
Once we got on the topic of animation, one of them mentioned The Simpsons, which one girl called “the most boringest show in the history of ever.”
So, it looks like The Cos was right – kids really DO say the darnedest things! Anyway, I figure if I’ve gotta be stuck with them, I might as well use them for comedy material. Tune in next time, when we tackle comics, video games, and Nicki Minaj!
What can I say? I love TV, I love branding, and I love spinoffs. So, I figured it’d be a good idea to separate my normal thrift store hauls from my yard sale hauls, especially since there are usually some pretty good stories from those yard sales. That gives us Thrift Justice: Yard Sale Edition, or Thrift Justice: YSE for the hip kids. Think of this just like the normal Thrift Justice you’ve come to know and love, only with a dose of Ice-T and Mariska Hargitay thrown into the mix. I’m typically the guy who doesn’t enjoy the party until it’s almost over, so it’s only fitting for me to start this little feature just as the yard sale season begins to wind down. In any case, there are quite a few items I haven’t shown you, and I hope I can remember the stories behind them. So, shall we get on with the show?
What you see here is a nice little collection of G.I.Joe vehicles that I acquired last weekend. You Joe collectors will recognize the following:
-Cobra WOLF
-Badger
-Skystorm X-Wing Chopper
-Swampmasher
-Desert Fox 6WD
-Dreadnok Cycle
-Cobra Imp
-Action Force Missile Launcher
I tend to plan out my route on Friday nights (yes, some of us plan these things), and I noticed a listing just kinda snuck in the fact that there were be G.I.Joe vehicles. It was an odd blurb that read something like “Fine crystal, linens, G.I.Joe Vehicles, artwork”. Well, those are certainly strange bedfellows! The sale was slated to start at 7:30, so it went to the top of my list.
The next morning, I pulled up to her house and was somewhat shocked that nobody was there except an older lady who was having a conversation with the seller. I immediately thought that someone had beat me to the Joes! After all, the ads always say “No early birds!”, but that doesn’t mean someone didn’t swoop in just before I got there. I cautiously walked over to a large plastic storage unit, and my eyes filled with joy and wonder! There they were, in pretty nice condition given their age. The lady explained that they had belonged to her sons, but had just been sitting in the garage. She said they had kept their figures, but didn’t seem to want the vehicles anymore. So, their loss was my gain. We didn’t even have to haggle. 10 minutes later, I was driving off with a car full of 1987 treasures. Anyway, if you like anything you see, you should know how to find me by now…
One concept I’ve adopted over the course of my travels is the idea of of “thrift karma” – I tend to believe that something awesome is out there waiting for me, and when I do find it, I try not to be greedy. For instance, I hit paydirt at this first sale, so I should’ve called it quits and gone home with my wares. Instead, I ended up freestyling (I got that from American Pickers, thank you very much!) for another 4 hours, which just wasted gas and yielded nothing. Listen to Kenny Rogers, folks – know when to walk away!
Notes From The Road
(courtesy of vintagegameworld.com)
This is where I’ll share a few observations that I’ve made while racing from sale to sale. Over the weekend, I noticed that everyone is finally cashing in their Trivial Pursuit SNL Edition investments. Let’s take a trip back in time, to around 2006. Licensed versions of Trivial Pursuit were nothing new, but one of the most niche offerings was Trivial Pursuit SNL Edition. As KB Toys starting shutting down across the country, these games were some of the last items they had left, eventually marked down to around $7 or so in my area. Now, let’s fast forward to last weekend. A game I hadn’t seen in almost 10 years resurfaced at 3 separate yard sales, a few with the KB price tag scratched out on the box. That’s the danger of speculating – not everything’s gonna be a collector’s item, especially when your neighbor’s selling the same exact thing.
Anyway, I hope you liked the new series. Tune in next time, as I’ll share with you a few of my biggest yard sale failures!
Oh, Strangers In Paradise! This is one that I’ve been dreading for some time. I’d always wanted to read the series, as it was THE indie darling of the 90s. Most of all, it was always at the top of all those “Which Comics Would My Girlfriend Would Love?” lists. A few years back, the series was collected in a bunch of digesty “Pocket Edition” books, so I saw that as a great time for me to give them a shot.
(courtesy of Comics Bulletin)
Strangers In Paradise, by Terry Moore, is really structured like a sitcom. It’s got a supporting cast of zany characters, there are 6 volumes (just like 6 seasons of a sitcom), and it’s got a will they/won’t they? love story. However, for all my TV knowledge, I can’t figure out which network would air this thing. The title isn’t a clever play on words, so it couldn’t air on USA. It’s about lesbians, but not the hot kind, so no Showtime. The plot kinda goes off the rails at points, in Nip/Tuck fashion, but it’s too gyno-centric for F/X. I guess we’ll just throw it on Lifetime between some Meredith Baxter Birney movies.
Here’s the deal: Francine Peters and Katina “Katchoo” Choovanski have been friends since childhood. Francine’s chubby and has low self-esteem, so she dates douchebags. Meanwhile, Katchoo had a rough childhood, so she’s grown into an empowered feminist who doesn’t live by society’s rules. Right there, you’ve got a Thelma & Louise situation, and Katchoo struggles to make Francine see how wonderful she is. Then, you begin to see that there’s more to Francine & Katchoo than just “sista girl empowerment”. A couple of times, they get close but Francine pushes away because she wasn’t raised to think that was OK. Enter David: a struggling artist who falls madly in love with Katchoo, but she’s having none of it, as she’s just not into nice guys. So, there’s our love triangle. David loves Katchoo, Katchoo loves Francine, and Francine loves Katchoo, but won’t give in to those feelings. Simple enough, right? Brace yourself for what’s next.
See, it turns out that there’s more to Katchoo than simply an abusive father. She moved away from Francine during high school, and the details of those years had been a mystery. It turns out that Katchoo was a high class escort, working for madame/businesswoman Darcy Parker. Katchoo was Darcy’s best girl, and they’d even become lovers for a time. Darcy only pimped her girls out to politicians, which earned her a bit of political clout. One night, Katchoo and another call girl decided they’d had enough, and they plotted a way out of Darcy’s empire. They stole some money, and a politician ended up dead. Fast forward to the present: Darcy has figured out that Katchoo stole her money, and sends a bunch of muscle after her to get it back. At this point, Katchoo’s trying to live a normal life as an artist, while trying to figure out if she loves Francine or David. Then, we find out that David is *spoiler alert* Darcy’s brother, who actually knew about Katchoo’s past. Oh, and the muscle sent after Katchoo? It turns out to be her own twin sisters, Tambi and Bambi – sired by the same abusive father. Yeah.
Then there’s some kind of weird flash forward thing, where Francine & Katchoo are now Camryn Manheim & Melissa Ethridge, raising their two adult daughters in a log cabin or something. One of the daughters is trying to be a writer, and she decides to write about the love story of her “2 moms”. So, then the story basically turns into the series finale of Roseanne (remember that? Dan DIED?! Becky actually married DAVID?! Of course Jackie was gay!). So from this point on, it’s not clear if the events are actually happening, or is they’re just the result of creative license being taken in order to make the book-within-a-book more interesting.
I could get into all the side characters, like Casey and Freddie, but they’re just the comic relief, and I’d hate to spoil the INSANITY they bring to the table. Basically, when the story starts to get too heavy, Casey gets a boob job or Freddie gets emasculated by a woman. Haha!
The beauty of all the characters is that they’re flawed. Even a guy like Freddie has a sympathetic side, and you start to understand why he is like he is. I will say, however, that the series is uneven. It goes from Three’s Company to Twin Peaks at the drop of a hat. Not to mention that it’s too damn long. Indie books don’t have to keep the same schedule as Marvel and DC, as there’s more involved with the production of a self-published book. That said, it felt like Terry Moore just got to the point where he was just writing the book to write it; it stopped feeling like it was headed anywhere. There’s even the false ending in volume 5, where you learn that Francine & Katchoo are happily together, with kids. So, why the reset button? It’s not like they had a time machine or anything, so why get temporal with things? The last 2 volumes don’t really make the reset seem worthwhile. We end up with more out of place characters, like Francine’s husband Brad, and his rock star brother, Griffin. If SiP is a sitcom, volume 5 is the season where the main couple have a baby and/or Cousin Oliver/Pam/Seven comes to live with the family. It just wasn’t necessary. Oh, and David gets a brain tumor.
Due to the way that the story ebbs and flows, it almost feels like the periodical isn’t the right format for the book. Its pacing lends itself better to the world of the newspaper strip, akin to Funky Winkerbean or something. I guess it was groundbreaking to tackle a soap opera like this in the comic format. Sure, there had been romance comics in the early days of the industry, but those stories were typically done-in-one tales. This was a multi-year, multilayered story that’s really impressive in scope when you look back at it. I do, however, feel bad for anyone who read this in sequential form, as the story tends to gain and lose momentum almost without warning. In all, it was an impressive experiment to build an indie series around such an intense, soap operatic format, but I don’t know if it resulted in an even, well-rounded story.
I’ve got a great haul from the weekend to share with you, but I’m still writing that up. In the meantime, feast your eyes on some great stuff I’ve picked up recently. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
First up, we’ve got these tabloid-sized specials, know as History of Comics Vols 1 & 2. These were created by fan favorite comic artist Jim Steranko, and they used to be advertised as mail-away items in old comics from the 70s (I guess they were also sold in book stores, but I don’t really know much about the 70s books tore scene). Anyway, from what I’ve ben able to find out, the versions I got are known as Volume 1B and Volume 2B, since they don’t have the title written on the cover. What makes this buy even more special, however, is the fact that my copy of Volume 1 is signed and numbered by renowned Italian filmmaker, Frederico Fellini. You see, he wrote the foreword to the series, as he had been a big fan of Steranko. Now, do I have a certificate of authenticity? No, but I don’t really care. If I need to, I can just take it to Gold & Silver Pawn and have Frankenstein Randy Travis do some handwriting analysis on the signature.
IlovethePowerRangers. Now that we got that out of the way, I’ve been tracking down old morphers like it’s my job. I’m not even looking for them, but they keep popping up at thrift stores. I stopped buying most PR toys about 15 years ago (which was still too late in the minds of most people), but I used to really be into the Zords and morphers. Hands down, Power Rangers morphers were my favorite role playing toys. These used to retail anywhere from $10-15, but I’ve been finding these for roughly $1 each. Still operational and everything. To top it off, they’re models that came out after I stopped buying, so I’ve been able to restart my collections where I left off. What you see here, from left to right, is the Time Force Morpher, Ninja Storm Wind Morpher, some kinda bootleg Dino Thunder Morpher, and the Overdrive Tracker.
My love of Batman is pretty well-known. I thought I had stumbled upon something awesome with this lunch box, as the date on the decal is 1982. It certainly looked pre-Super Powers, which would place it before 1985. That said, the decal doesn’t jibe with the rest of the package. You see, the latch is incorrect. I stopped getting these lunch boxes in the very early 90s, at which point they were still using a metal latch. The latch on this one is completely plastic, placing it later in the decade. Still, aside from all that Pawn Stars babble you didn’t ask for, it was still a nice find for 99 cents!
This is Max Ray, from the 80s cartoon The Centurions. I’ve been on the lookout for these because, just like Radiohead albums, you never see them at yards sales and thrift stores. This figure was pretty incomplete, as he didn’t come with any of the accessories that fit into the holes situated all over his body. Despite all that, I’m still pretty happy to own this guy, as he always reminded me of Tony Stark.
I always told myself that if I ever won the lottery, I’d buy one of those replica wrestling belts that costs $300. I’d wear it to church, court, to the bathroom. Don’t care. Referred to as “The Strap” by the professionals, I’d always have it slung over my shoulder (no one ever wears it as an actual belt!). Well, I’ve yet to win the lottery, so I don’t have one of those belts. I never wanted to pay the $15 for the crappy kids version at retail, but I had no problem paying 99 cents for one! The belt that I chose was the Intercontinental Title, and I did so for a reason. You see, everybody wants to be The Champ. Everyone thinks they’re Triple H, or John Cena or The Rock. I’m honest with myself. If I joined the WWE tomorrow, I’d NEVER get a shot at the WWE Title. I could, however, get the Intercontinental belt. That was the belt you used to get for beating Goldust or The Mountie. That’s more my speed.
I hated leaving these guys behind, as I think I’m probably America’s biggest straight male boyband fan. That said, I didn’t want these at $10 apiece. I’m pretty sure they didn’t cost that much when they were originally offered by Best Buy (they were promo items), and ‘NSYNC merchandise isn’t really on the rise. So, I had to say bye bye bye to them. Yup, I just said that.
Thanks for tuning in, and come back on Thursday for a special Thrift Justice surprise!
So, last week Apple revealed the iPhone 4s which, while fancier than the current iPhone 4, wasn’t the iPhone 5 that all the tech heads had been expecting. One of the best features of this new phone, however, is the addition of Siri – an artificially intelligent personal assistant. You can tell Siri to send emails, check the weather and perform searches – all via voice commands. Of course, Android owners started wondering if there was a similar program for their operating system. As a new convert to the Android way of life, I checked the review sites, and came across Voice Actions. While not as advanced as Siri, Voice Notes still accomplishes many of the same tasks through user voice interface. I’m of the belief that you should know your enemy, so I decided to familiarize myself with Voice Notes before the uprising of our robot overlords. By asking a series of questions, I began to learn more about Voice Actions’ capabilities.
Q: “What’s your name?”
A: “My name is Jeannie.”
Yeah, this default name wasn’t going to fly, as it just made me think of Major Nelson and all those old ass space capsules. As an aside, do y’all realize that Major Nelson and Jeanine “lived in sin” for the fist five seasons? I guess it was kosher, since she was a genie and more property than person, but I still find that odd. Anyway, I digress. I wanted my AI to have a cooler, more personalized name. It came down to D.E.C.A. (bonus points for anyone who gets that reference) and Oracle. I settled on Oracle, and made the change in the settings.
Now that we had the formalities out of the way, I jumped right in for the juicy stuff:
Q: “Where do babies come from?”
A: “Babies are the live young born to mammals, need extended care by the mother after birth, so that their bodies can complete their development. Ideally, babies are the result of a sexual union between two parents who love each other.”
I get the feeling that Focus on the Family snuck in that last sentence. Clearly, Oracle has never processed an episode of Maury!
Then, I wanted to test its political knowledge.
Q: “Who is Barack Obama?”
I was kinda hoping for some Birther nonsense, or maybe some juicy tidbit that only the machines might know.
A: “Barack Hussein Obama II, born August 4, 1961 – the 44th and current President of the United States.”
I had no clue he was a sequel!
Hmm…I want more.
Q: “Who killed John F. Kennedy?”
As you might expect, I wanted an answer like “The Viet Cong” or “ancient ninja warriors”. Again, I wanted info that only the machines might know. Instead I got:
A: “Lee Harvey Oswald, 1938 minus 1963 – the American activist and accused assassin.”
Ya see, I’d never heard of Oswald as an “activist” before, and it was kinda interesting how Oracle said “accused assassin”. I think she knows something. Also, it was kinda funny how Oracle interpreted the dash as “minus”.
I was already bored of the political stuff, as Oracle wasn’t quenching my thirst for conspiracy theories. I circled back around to the good stuff.
Q: “Does size matter?”
This is where things got interesting. Up until this point, Oracle had just been responding via voice, but now “she” only answered via text.
A: “It does now ”
Yes, “she” cryptically replied back in a flirty way, and included a winky emoticon! Shit’s about to get weird!
I decided to test Oracle’s true capabilities.
Q: Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?”
Oracle was stumped. Suddenly, I was requested to clarify my question, as I was given a menu with several choices:
1) Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breast?
2) Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?
#1 got me curious, as I wondered if one of Jaclyn Smith’s tits was larger than the other. I think Oracle just misheard me, though, so I chose #2. That just opened up a Google search with a bunch of fanfic. I wasn’t satisfied with this, so I asked again.
Q: “Which one of Charlie’s Angels had the biggest breasts?”
A: “The last one, I think.”
What the Hell kind of answer is that?! Have I finally found Oracle’s weakness? Is this how we will defeat the machines? Apparently, artificial intelligence, like men, is weakened by BREASTS! The Playmates and Hooters girls are our last line of defense! The war must be fought in the strip clubs, sorority houses, and amateur wet t-shirt contests of the world!
OK, so by now you should’ve read my Flashpointpost. As that was the end of an era, Justice League was touted as the beginning of a new one. I wish I could say that it worked for me, but it just didn’t.
Justice League #1 is chock full of gorgeous Jim Lee-ian action. It’s the kind of stuff that’s really going to hurt your heart when you hear that Jim Califiore’s taking over the art a year from now. Recent series have launched with the big names, but settle into a routine with the journeymen. Anyway, for all the action, there’s just not much substance. It’s reminiscent of Lee’s work on the “Hush” storyline in Batman a few years ago. That was a good excuse for Lee to play in the Gotham toybox, but the story didn’t make much sense. This book didn’t really have a story; this was just an appetizer.
A few nights ago on twitter, Comics Bulletin had a great rant about the folks who’ve been comparing the issue to a television pilot. I can’t even do it justice (no pun intended) by trying to repeat it, so I recommend you hop over to their feed. Basically, though, they said that a successful pilot makes you want to come back for more, while this doesn’t really have that effect. I couldn’t agree more. However, I think I’d like to even go a step further. Justice League #1 isn’t a pilot – it’s the “cold open”, or pre-credit sequence, to the pilot. Sure, there’s a bit of padding in it, but once you get to that last page:
you know that it can only be followed by something like this:
God damn, I love that theme song! Is there any way that Jim Lee could just draw music? I’d preorder every issue! Here’s a little secret about me: I only watch the cold open for Smallville. I’m gone after the theme song. Hell, if I turn it on, and find I missed both the open and the song, I turn it right off. Sure, that was a cliffhangery last page, but I’m not convinced that I shouldn’t change the channel. I’m looking to the next issue to help me make that decision.
So, once the 2-part Baltimore Comic-Con epic ended (thanks again, Brian!), I found that I still had a bunch of pictures left from the show. Now I know there are folks out there who do better cosplay posts than I could, but I still thought I’d give it a shot.
Well, the theme song did tell us they were loose…
Ga-Blac-Tus HUNGERS…for Popeyes!
In the newly-launched Marvel Jr line, Kid Kap isn’t sure he’s up to the challenge of Reddy & Bones
In the J.J. Abrams-verse, even Dr. Crusher & Wesley have been rebooted!
She had a giant axe. I’m still not sure if she was supposed to be someone or if it was just self-defense…
It’s nice to see the sistahs come out. Did I spell that right? We don’t use “er”, right? Anyway, She-Hulk was in an awesome JLA Vixen costume on Sunday, as she sat next to me at the Stan Lee panel.
Hey, Mike! Steve! Rob! Aren’t those your moms over there?! Baby Doll looks like a young Meredith Baxter-Birney. If you read that in Chef’s voice, my mission here is done.
I’d say this was “Optimus Prime”, but I can just hear one of you saying, “Actually, that is the King Grandliner Robo” or some shit like that. Well, this is America. In America, we call ALL robot trucks “Optimus Prime”! Put down the Pokemon, and pick up a baseball. U! S! A!
The Odinson doth invite you to visit his band’s MySpace page!
Watch out, Miles Morales! Here comes Kid Spidey! And he’s white!
Great costumes, but I guess I was just expecting…more from the Smallville Reunion.
Somebody saaaaave meeeee!!!!!
Black Kick Ass! Somebody alert the New York Post!
This pic ain’t fooling anybody. Dude on the right would be too busy banging chicks to be busting ghosts. Dude on the left? Totally a Ghostbuster.
Not true cosplay, but it ought to be!
This chick made me kinda salty. You see, she was already posing for someone else, and I just took the picture. She noticed me and said “You have to ask! It’s rude if you don’t ask!” Look, you were ALREADY posing! Costume wasn’t that hot anyway.
Wait, why are we rooting for Thor?! And she looked like Kat Dennings! I would’ve bought every issue of Dark Reign if they’d drawn “Lokette” as Kat Dennings!
As aspiring America’s Top Blerd, I’m required by the King Doctrine of 1962 to acknowledge Blenguin.
Guys, I don’t know about this whole “New 52″ thing…
After all these years, I still find that I’m too immature for “Got Milk?” ads. These things have been around for almost 20 years, so it must be an effective campaign. That said, most of them just look like a money shot from a celebrity sex tape with high production values. Even when they did one with Batman – my hero among heroes – it just made my heart hurt for the Caped Crusader! Was that how he was replenishing the Wayne fortune?!!!
Anyway, I work at…a place filled with…people who might be inspired to drink milk, and these posters are everywhere. Hell, I think we ran out of money, and they’re just using them as cheap wallpaper. In any case, I thought I’d share a few of them with you, along with my thoughts. Before we get started, I apologize for the quality of the pictures; Ansel Adams never had to use a BlackBerry camera…
Just look in that dog’s eyes. He clearly saw the whole thing. This just makes me think back to the time Amanda quit Twitter because she got a bunch of backlash for saying she preferred black guys. What did Devante do to you, Amanda?! What did he do?!!!
They finally came up with a way to get me to not notice the milk mustache. Ha! He’s with a giraffe! Honestly, I think the funniest part is that the giraffe actually finished college.
This is probably the worst picture of Demi Lovato I’ve ever seen, and I say that as a Demi fan. Hell, you don’t say something nice about her, and she will punch you in your face! She went to rehab for it and everything. Anyway, this picture looks like it might be some sad artifact sent to the past from a future where her career has totally derailed, yet the “Demi Loves Otto” sex tape is tearing up the SuperNet.
This one is disturbing to me because, in real life, Victoria Justice looks like a bad Photoshop job. She’s got the face of a 25 year old, yet the body of a fit 15 year old. She’s like a younger clone of Giada De Laurentiis. She just seems like an odd choice for a milk ad. “Your body will be suspended in teen animation, but you’ll be pretty. Drink up!”
And I thought R. Kelly was the one who sang “Down Low”. Notice how you can’t really see from the waist down? These are my confessions…
So, I had an experience last week that was cute yet troubling. While everything turned out OK in the end, I’ve still been thinking about it for the last few days. Let’s see what y’all think.
A few of the thrift stores I frequent have what you might call “grab bags” in the toy aisle. Standard plastic bags hanging from pegs, these bags contain anything from kids meal toys to actual retail action figures. Part of the fun is identifying all of the random stuff you might find inside. I’ve often wondered if there’s a system as to how the bags are packed, or if they’re weighed or something. It’s just odd to see a Looney Tunes/DC Comics McDonalds toy from ’91 in the bag with a Ron Weasley and a broken Megatron.
Anyway, on this particular day, I found a nice bag packed with Power Rangers. If you’ve read the site before, you’ll know that I hav a bit of a thing for the Rangers. Seeing as how I stopped buying the figures about 10 years ago, I’ve missed out on the more recent stuff. This bag, oddly enough, was filled with things I didn’t own. YOINK!
I walked around the rest of the store, clutching my conquest, trying to see if there was anything else of interest. Not paying much attention to the people around me, I walked right past a little boy who immediately noticed the bag in my hand. His face lit up, as my heart said “Oh, shiiit.” Every kid in that place might as well be an orphan, as they’ve all run off from their parents. True to form, his parents didn’t seem to be around, either.
I took a few steps, and the boy followed me. He caught up to me, pointed at the bag and said “I want that.” I replied, “It’s mine, though. I already got it.” Don’t judge me! I found it fair and square!
He said, “Yeah, but I want it.” I started wondering if this kid was gonna jump me for these toys, or if he’d make a scene. I’m already the grownup in the toy aisle, so Lord knows what people think anyway! I, once again, replied, “You can’t have them, though. I found them over there.” At this point, I gestured over in the general direction of the toy aisle.
“They have more?” he asked. I knew full well that they didn’t have anything quite like the bag I was holding, but I still said, “Yeah, there’s more.” I was hoping he’d run off and join the rest of the little El Salvadorean Oliver Twists running through the store. What he did next, however, broke my heart.
He reached up his little hand, and said “Come on!”. He wanted me to take him over to the toy aisle. I guess he wasn’t so independent after all. Now, at this point, I felt I’d been talking to this child way longer than a grown man should, and I was already hating being seen in discussion with this kid. Now, he wanted me to hold his hand, and walk him over to the toy aisle. Oh, HELL naw! Sweet gesture, but not a good idea.
I started to walk away, but he ran up, still reaching his little hand up for me to take it. So, this was his endgame, huh? Well played. I sighed, and put the bag of Rangers in his outstretched hand. After all, that’s what he wanted in the first place. I can be cold, but I’m not taking toys from a kid. I didn’t even really want the things, and he clearly did.
He smiled, and just turned the bag around in his hands, marveling at everything inside. I was just going to throw ‘em in a box, while he was going to enjoy them. I’d made the right choice. So, as he was mesmerized, I got the Hell out of that aisle before he tried to enlist me to go help him look for more!
Now, here’s my issue: that kid needs to be warned about Stranger Danger. Luckily, he found me and I’m far from a threat, but he didn’t know that. He sees a guy with a bag of toys, and he’s all “Sign me up, cap’n!” That’s not cool. That could’ve ended really poorly for him. For me, the takeaway was that I’m not happy to know I’m not enough of a bastard to take toys away from a little kid, but the B-plot was definitely the fact that this kid, and many like him, could be subjected to danger without even thinking about it. If you’ve got kids, teach them the proper way to deal with strangers – especially at the thrift store.
All of the “real” sites used their connections to see the rejected Wonder Woman pilot right after the network upfronts in May, but I don’t have that kind of Rolodex (does anyone use an actual Rolodex anymore?). Anyway, thanks to a pal on Twitter, I was finally able to see what all the fuss was about. Let me just get my snobbery out of the way: as a student of comics and television, it’s glaringly obvious as to why NBC passed on this show. Even in its position at the bottom of the ratings, Wonder Woman was NOT going to be NBC’s salvation. If The Cape didn’t save them, this sure wasn’t going to do it, either. Honestly, Wonder Woman is more on the level of the short-lived Birds of Prey series.
Few people remember it, as Smallville went on to last ten seasons compared to BoP‘s one, but I maintain that Birds of Prey and Smallville were of the same level of quality. The only difference was that Superman was a more recognizable character than Commissioner Gordon’s crippled daughter/niece and Batman’s daughter (?!). Both shows were on The WB, where it didn’t matter what the shows were about, as long as the people were pretty. With Adrianne Palicki and Elizabeth Hurley, Wonder Woman‘s got that in spades. Also, Birds of Prey struggled with the fact that it was trying to tell a story without being allowed a full understanding of the characters. As BoP was laid out, Barbara Gordon was the former Batgirl who, after being crippled by The Joker, now operates as infojock Oracle. If you’ve read the comics, that’s familiar enough. Next, you’ve got Helena Wayne, who in this situation, is actually the adult daughter of Batman and Catwoman. Oh, and she’s also a mutant. She’s got heightened senses and jumps high and shit, which enables her to patrol the streets as Huntress. Now, here’s the kicker: since Warner Bros wanted to focus on revamping the Batman movie franchise (this was pre- Batman Begins), they didn’t allow Batman in the show (except for a brief sequence in the pilot). So, you’ve got your core cast, whose origins revolve around a concept that can only be danced around. And to explain it in the show, apparently The Joker killed Catwoman. TV Batman was such a punk bitch that he became distraught, and left Gotham City forever. So, what followed were 13 episodes of Barbara and Helena, both inspired by He Who Shall Not Be Named, defending Gotham City in the hopes that He Who Shall Not Be Named decides to stop being a bitch and comes home. Sadly, the show didn’t last that long, but the finale did involve a cool fight scene set to the t.A.T.u. classic “All The Things She Said”.
How does this all relate to Wonder Woman? Well, just like BoP, it doesn’t seem like David E. Kelley was allowed full access to the character. Sure, it’s a Wonder Woman costume, and DC was behind the project, but it lacks an understanding of Wonder Woman. This has been one of the biggest problems for Wonder Woman, as the comics lost sight of what makes her tick quite some time ago. The Greg Rucka era was the last time that anyone proudly read the WW comic series, and even “female character wunderkind” Gail Simone couldn’t get a grasp on the character. I ranted about this at length on twitter, but I felt like they should’ve focused figuring out the answer to “Who Is Wonder Woman?” before committing her to other media, like a weekly TV series. If they had called this show “Donna Troy”, it would’ve worked better. She wears a similar costume, looks the same, and nobody knows what the Hell her deal is. That’s her gimmick! Over the past 30 years, her mere existence is perpetuated on the fact that she’s just a walking identity crisis. Wonder Woman, however, should have a defined mission statement, which is neither present in the recent comics nor this pilot. There’s nothing to “wonder” about the woman in this pilot unless you’re wondering how she got cast. Anyway, here are the thoughts that occurred to me as I watched the show:
-There’s a LOT of exposition, but you’re really only informed of Wonder Woman’s backstory through newscasts and political pundits. I liked the pundit sequence. Not sure if they actually got Dershowitz, Dr. Phil, and Nancy Grace on board, or if it was just clever editing, but this is what would happen if superheroes existed in the “real world”. If that’s what they’re going for, however, this could be a problem down the line.
-OK, here’s where things get more confusing than they need to be. In the show, Wonder Woman has THREE identities! She’s Wonder Woman, she’s international businesswoman Diana Themyscira (who’s also publicly known to be Wonder Woman), but she’s ALSO Diana Prince, which is the mousy-’cause-she-wear-glasses-and-a-ponytail-even-though-you-know-she’s-really-hot-like-in-She’s All That identity. By day, she’s one of the first two, but by night, she goes home to be Diana Prince, where she watches The Notebook with her cat. Yes, that happens. Since she’s not a lawyer, nor is she in Boston, I’m left to believe that this is the “David E. Kelley Touch” on this project. First off, I don’t think Wonder Woman would watch The Notebook, nor would she ask her cat if she should set up a facebook profile. This is all part of the “Well, she is a single woman, so she’s got needs and is probably lonely.” Family Guy conveyed that best here:
I get it. Set up a love story to grab some female viewers, but all that’s missing is the pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Also, I don’t see why she needs a 3rd identity in order to be lonely and “normal”. So, she puts on glasses and hides in her modest apartment so she can pretend she’s making decent lonely single lady money, when she knows that she’s actually a multimillionaire with a penthouse and a multinational corporation? I can understand having a weekend getaway, but this is a bit much.
-I’m the one guy who’s never watched Friday Night Lights, so I have no previous experience with Adrianne Palicki, but I don’t feel this was good casting. She never conveys the strength of Diana. Instead, she’s soft, and comes across as Kelly Kapowski in a Halloween costume. Her acting is also phoned in. Surrounding Palicki, everyone else feels like they’re over acting. Everyone has a sense of urgency, while she just seems…bored. In my mind, Lake Bell or Missy Peregrym would’ve been stronger, better choices, as they have the look, and they’re still somewhat “unknown talents”, since nobody watched Surface or Stick It.
-I liked the color/weight blind casting on Etta Candy, but I know the fanboys would’ve loathed that! They hate Wonder Woman, but still would’ve jumped on that. Plus, I some fangirls would be upset that Etta Candy wasn’t “properly” portrayed as a larger gal…
-This is always going to be a problem when you make an adaptation of a comic character, but the suit doesn’t translate to reality. Batman works ’cause he hides in shadows. Superman works in a way. Wonder Woman just looks like she’s on her way to her shift at The Crazy Russian. Call me sexist, but the suit doesn’t work. You don’t know if she’s gonna arrest you or try to take you to the champagne room.
-I hate Diana’s male assistant, Henry. Had the show been picked up, I feel like he exists solely to be the person close to Diana who gets killed by some villain trying to make a point.
-They say “prick”, “balls”, and “tits” as an attempt to be edgy.
-Can we talk about the political/legal ramifications of the structure of this show? Everyone knows that businesswoman Diana Themyscira is Wonder Woman, yet no one goes after her company in a lawsuit? They kinda address it, when a senator threatens to sic the Justice Department on her. Diana answers that threat by saying that the country’s in two wars, so it doesn’t have time to investigate her. Not only is that lazy storytelling, but it’s another problem with combining real world aspects with comic aspects.
-She fucking kills a guy! I mean, she throws a pipe through his fucking throat! A security guard who’s just following orders! Not a Star Wars guy, but it’s really the whole “independent contractors on the Death Star” debate all over again.
-The villain, Veronica Cale, was experimenting on folks from a slavery ring, yet they were all white males. Not who you usually think of being involved in slavery, even the white kind. So, I guess this is when the show decided to stop trying to ape the real world, huh?
So, in the end, it’s not a horrible show, but it’s certainly not great. Based on production value, this show would’ve lasted 6 seasons in weekend syndication back in the 90s, but sadly that market is dead. It could’ve been in a block with Mutant X, Night Man, and Viper. It might even work as a cable show, but it certainly wasn’t a good fit for NBC. At the end of the day, it’s a serviceable action hour of television, but it’s not Wonder Woman. They tried a different take on the character that just didn’t work. The funny thing is that there’s source material for what they were trying to do: it’s called Ultra. As the first big comic project from The Luna Brothers, Ultra was a miniseries from Image Comics which was basically “Sex and the City with Powers”. Sure, it had dating drama and whatnot, but there was also a lot of action. Based on what I’ve seen here, David E. Kelley would be the PERFECT guy to adapt that series. Wonder Woman, however, just wasn’t the project for him.
”
