Best of the West #2: Toys “R” US Aisle 6D Sign
So, I'm not sure if anyone remembers, but I created "Best of the West" to showcase the jewels of my personal collection. I only posted under that heading once, and that was to discuss my autographed Obama Spidey comic. I kinda got preoccupied with yard sales, and let's face it - a collect a lot of shit! Anyway, I know my pal Mike enjoyed this feature, and Brian over at Cool and Collected recently asked when we'd see the West Collection. I don't know when I'll ever get around to a full collection post, so the Best of the West segments will have to do for now.
Today's item is a quirky one. If it's your first time reading about me, I worked for Toys "R" Us in a part time capacity for 10 years. It was my first job out of high school, and I just couldn't tear myself away. I fought on the beaches of the Great Gundam War of '01. I waged the storms of the Pokemon Tsunami. I tickled many an Elmo, and I laughed in the face of the fabled NeoPet epidemic. We lost a lot of good men out there.
Before working at TRU, I thought I had a love for toys. I thought I loved toys of all shapes and sizes. Just say the word "toy" and my face would light up. About 2 weeks into my TRU career, I began to realize that I didn't love "toys". I loved "action figures". You see, when you're a customer, you just go right in to the aisle that holds the stuff you like. All the other stuff is just part of the TRU obstacle course. Fuck a bike! If you're serious about cycling, you ain't buying a bike at TRU. And I didn't give a shit about car seats and Pack 'N Plays. No, I just loved aisles 6D and 7D - home of the action figures. Sadly, when you work for the store, you're forced to worry about those aforementioned departments. It didn't matter to me. They could assign me to diapers, bikes, or cart duty - I always found my way back to those 2 aisles.
Now, let me give you a little retail history lesson. In TRU's heyday, it was essentially a supermarket for toys. During the late 90s, it was decided that it had too much of a warehouse feel. So, aisles were partially done away with, as the company migrated towards the "racetrack" layout. In this new floorplan, the guest would follow a winding path around the store, with different "worlds" situated outside the track. There was Boys World, Girls World, Wheel World, etc. Supervisors were now "World Leaders", and the whole thing was supposed to make the shopping experience flow more easily for guests. Only important stores got the full floor plan. My store wasn't that important, so it still retained some of the old signage.
Then, the day after Christmas 2005, old Geoffrey decided that he didn't need us in his empire any longer. It wasn't too bad, though. Let me tell you this: there are few things more exciting than working for a store going through liquidation. No, seriously! I know some former Borders and Filene's employees might disagree, but there are no rules, and you no longer have corporate oversight. We hosted fake radio shows over the PA system, some chick wished cancer on my Asst.Manager because he couldn't process a return. Oh, and a mentally challenged guy came in and started masturbating in the R-Zone! I can't remember the last time my life was that exciting. But the one thing that remained was my love of action figures. It was that love that brought me there in the first place. So, as we were closing the place down, I grabbed the sign for aisle 6D. What I love about it is that it was promoting lines that weren't even really hot at the time, but I collected everything on this sign. If it had Ghostbusters, Batman, and Star Trek, you'd have my toy resume.
So, here it sits in my "office". Before taking it, I had no clue how heavy it would be. It's got to be a good 50 lbs, which is why it's just leaning against the wall. I can't hang that thing, and I'm amazed we've never heard of them falling and killing some kid. It's big, heavy, and doesn't really tie the decor of the room together, but it's my past. Batman has a giant penny, and I've got the sign to aisle 6D. After 10 years of lying about truck shipments, helping lost grandmas, and selling D batteries to lonely single moms, this is my trophy.
Book Report – Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry
This will come as a surprise to no one, but I used to want to work in the toy industry. Yeah, I did the whole 10 years at Toy "R" Us, but I also chose my college major in the hopes of landing a position at Kenner (hey, it was still around then!) or Mattel. My major was early childhood development, with a focus on play and interaction. Since there was no real "toy curriculum", I figured knowledge of how children go about playing would point me in the right direction. I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out that toy companies want *designers*. Instead of trying to make educational toys that look pretty, toy companies attempt to make pretty toys that seem educational. Like with dating and job interviews, looks come first. I did, however, manage to snag an internship at a small specialty toy company in Chicago, called Manhattan Toy. Now, during my time at TRU, I'd learned that I didn't really care about ALL toys - I just loved aisles 6D and 7D. So, when this small stuffed animal company came along, brash 19-year old me blew it off and jetted of to London. By the time I graduated, I started to realize my dream may not come true. Then came Diamond.
Many people may not realize this, but Diamond has a toy team. Sure, most of the focus is on comics, but they're also the ones responsible for getting those overpriced toys and busts to your local comic shop. Sadly, the extent of Diamond's toy decisions are usually something like "How can we get Kotabukiya to give us a great price on these Slutty Sakura statues?" By this point, I was already pretty much over the idea of working in the toy industry. I'd already been a brand manager, albeit in the comic world, and I was really just tired of the sense of entitlement. I didn't wanna shift over to DST, 'cause a lot of those guys were asshats. Don't get me wrong - like anything, there were some cool folks, but there were also quite a few douchebags. So, there ended my toy dream. Or so I thought. The moment I cracked open Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry, it all came rushing back to me. This might sound like hyperbole, but I feel this book should be required reading for anyone with an interest in the business side of toys. If you ever want to bitch about Mattel's distribution, or wondered why NECA picked up a particular license, or needed to know how toy marketing and development actually work, you MUST READ THIS BOOK.
Toyland, by Sydney Ladensohn Stern and Ted Schoenhaus, primarily follows the creation, development, and release of Tyco's Dino-Riders toyline. Along the way, however, they provide a great history of the industry - citing major players, as well as the stories behind all of the major toy companies. Published in 1991, many of the companies have since merged or folded, but that doesn't change any of the history. I got the book about 8 years ago at a used book store, but never really got into it as I didn't have a lot of attachment to the Dino-Riders line. To be honest, I didn't even remember it being successful. Now, I clearly see that I was wrong.
I don't want to give away all of the good parts, so I'll just give you a sample of what's inside:
-Sure, you knew about Toy Fair, but did you know about "pre-Toy Fair"?
-Toy companies, while always looking for the next hit, do better with "staples". In fact, a success could actually be detrimental, as they may be unable to keep up with demand - which is what drove Worlds of Wonder out of business following supply problems with Teddy Ruxpin and Lazer Tag. Hasbro's acquisition of Milton Bradley helped them stay afloat in lean years, as board games are staples.
-Mattel was considered the "University of Toyland", as many of its alums have gone on to lead other companies in the industry, bringing Mattel's systems, terminology, and practices along with them. Most other toy companies ran like family businesses, but Ruth and Elliot Handler built Mattel into the first professional toy operation. Then, they were ousted for fraudulent stock claims, and Mattel eventually became the model of how NOT to run a toy company. Still, it's nice to read about what it was like before it sucked.Due to its position in the industry at the time the book was written, much of the book serves as an "official history of Mattel".
-It's believed that Jem dolls ultimately failed because she was created in a different scale than Barbie. Had they been the same size, they could've shared clothes and accessories, despite coming from different companies.
-It's somewhat amazing to read about the conception of Dino-Riders, and then follow along as it evolves into a completely differrent animal. By no means was the end result what the creators had envisioned, but it was close enough that they could still be proud that their idea ended in a finished product - something few can say.
- Of course a big chunk of the book is about how toy companies felt sidelined when home computing and video game systems came on the scene in the early 80s.
-While the Teddy Bear was originally seen as a fad named for Theodore Roosevelt, it was expected to be replaced by Billy Possum, named for William Taft. Apparently, Taft had eaten roast possum on a trip to Atlanta, but there was no demand for the product.
-When Stanley Weston invented G.I.Joe for Hasbro, the normal inventor's fee was 5% of net wholesale revenue. Hasbro, however, cited high development costs and only offered Weston 0.5% . Weston countered with 3%, and Hasbro offered him 1% - prompting Weston to sue. In a private meeting before the 1964 Toy Fair, Hasbro asked Weston if they could just buy the concept from him outright, as they felt they were taking a gamble. Eventually, Weston agreed to sell for $100,000. Had he kept the original deal, he would've made $150,000 on the first year alone. Weston, however, wasn't too upset, and had this to say: "I've been married and divorced twice. If I'd had all that money I probably would've been divorced four times instead of two."
-Hasbro's problems surrounding Flubber deserve an entire book of their own. Long story short, a massive Flubber recall resulted in the supply being buried under Hasbro's parking lot, which has pushed the property about 2 inches higher than the rest of the site.
-My Little Pony was the result of market research where Hasbro asked little girls "What do you see when you go to bed and close your eyes?"
-In the great GoBots vs Transformers debate, Tonka's development team felt they were doing kids a favor by simplifying the transformations, while later research indicated that kids enjoyed the more complex transformations of the Transformers line.
-Toy companies seem to have more moles than a season of 24, which results in specs and samples being leaked to bootleggers and the competition. Most companies, however, take it as proof than they're onto something big if other are that interested in stealing the idea.
-Xavier Roberts, creator of the Cabbage Patch Kids, is an eccentric genius. He was an artist first and foremost, making him a terrible businessman.
-There's a goof chunk about the deregulation of the 80s, leading to the Program Length Commercial. It also into the deals that were cut between television stations and syndicators. For example, Lorimar syndicated Thundercats. If a station agreed to air the cartoon, they would get a percentage of LJN's Thundercats toy sales.
-There's a great comparison between the business practices of Toys "R" Us, Kay-Bee, and FAO Schwartz. Two of these companies don't exist any longer, and the remaining one doesn't look like it did then. Still, it's an interesting snapshot in time.
Anyway, I've teased enough. If you're interested in the business of the toy industry, I highly recommend Toyland: The High-Stakes Game of the Toy Industry. How do you get it? I dunno. Do I look like Barnes OR Noble? Maybe it's on bit torrent or Amazon or something. Geez, I can't do everything for you!
Live Free or Origin Hard
Comics as escapism - this is a concept that is always bandied about when people try to explain the notion of collecting & reading comics. Supposedly, we read superhero comics because they take us out of our day to day lives, and might even inspire us to greatness, as we observe acts of heroism. I don't discount any of this, but I know that, for me, I enjoyed the escapism that the hobby provided me. This is going to get into a lot of family stuff, and may not be as action-packed as the other stuff, but there is a point here. Trust me.
So, we already covered that my mom had me late in life, but it should also be said that my father passed away from an aneurysm when I was three. So, I tell people that I was raised by the Black Golden Girls: Mommy, Muddear, and the Aunts. Being a single mother, my mom was at work most of the time, so I spent most of my time with Muddear, hence the Alabama trips and whatnot. Then, around 1993, something changed.
To go even further back, my mom had been married before. This is actually a bit of an odd story. She got married when she was 26, to a guy named Fred West. He was a bit of a cad, but their marriage lasted about 14 years. When it ended, she said that she was never changing her name again. She eventually met my father, Willie West, who was not related to Fred. So, she got to keep that name-change promise.
In any case, I bring up Fred because he resurfaced around 1993. You see, he had time to think about what he had done (whatever that may have been), and he decided that he wanted her back. Since he had "con man tendencies" about him, he knew how to get to people. He realized that the best way to get to her was through me. Now, this isn't a standard "creepy stepdad/mom's boyfriend" kind of thing. I LOVED him. He was a really fun guy. It was hard for me to think he could've done anything wrong, and he genuinely seemed to care about me.
So, how does this relate to comics? Well, he used to SHOWER me with toys and comics. Of course it was in order to curry favor with my mom, but I would have these free-for-all days, where he would pick me up in the morning, and we would hit 4 comic shops, 3 Toys R Us stores, and a McDonalds. Even though I've exhibited the whole "I'm asking for this just to see if I can get it" behavior, it wasn't like that here. We'd get in the car, and he'd ask, "So, where to today, buddy?" This was how I learned about comic shops and the back-issue market, as I was always looking for new places for us to go. This took place during the summer, so we'd make these runs about 2 or 3 times a week. Honestly, it got to the point where I had run out of shops and things to buy.
These Fred Sprees were fruitful, as they taught me about local comic stores, like Geppi's Comic World and Barbarian Books. I also had my introduction to back issues, as I tried to catch up with what the characters had been doing before I got into comics. Geppi's used to have these $5 grab bags, where you'd just end up with the worst comics. I didn't know that then, of course. They ALL seemed cool to me, even if it was a Crystar comic from the 80s, or Moon Knight #27. I loved those grab bags because they taught me about other types of books on the market, and they all seemed like these ancient treasures. Even if they were just 10 years old, they felt like these relics from forgotten times. I loved seeing the ads for canceled cartoons and failed breakfast cereals. I also realized that many of them didn't also didn't end in one issue, but that just gave me something to search for next time. The seeds were being planted for my love of The Hunt. I was beginning to see comics as things to be collected, and as I had already learned from the Happy Meal toys, I'm a bit addicted to collecting.
*Not actual family. I wasn't that lame.
Anyway, as this was going on, there was a period where we were almost like a nuclear family. Sure, the aunts and Muddear were still around, but Fred would come by and take Mommy and me to dinner. We'd be in a booth at the Hot Shoppe (that's for you MD/DC folks!), and I'd be reading an old copy of All-Star Squadron, as they laughed at some joke he just told. I liked that, as it was something I had never had before, but had always seen on TV. It was like I had a mom and a dad, and we were all just happy together.
So, eventually my mom put a stop to the Fred Sprees because she really didn't think he had changed, and she didn't want to give him false hope. There was no need for him to waste all his money on comics and toys if it was going to be in vain. Fred stuck around for a while, but he finally moved to Virginia. He died a few years ago, from Alzheimers. I could tell he wasn't necessarily "all there" back in the day, but that was part of his charm. Just another reason I loved him.
So, when I think of "comics as escapism", I'm not thinking of how cool it would be to be Batman, or what it must be like to live in Metropolis. I fondly think back to the time when I had what society considers a "family", and how much I liked that feeling. It was fleeting, but comics were there for the whole thing. I can look at a copy of All-Star Squadron now, and it all comes back to me. Maybe that's more accurately "comics as nostalgia", but isn't nostalgia just escapism from the present? Next time, I wrap this all up and bring us to the present.
The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men…
"They got all the right moves in all the right faces. So yeah, we're going down."
I've been told that I don't blog enough on a personal level anymore. The Adventures West Coast posts are all well and good, but they don't have the gravitas of the Lesbian Chase or Marion Barry Karaoke posts of years past (if you haven't read my archives, they're really quite good! I advise you to read them now, while they're free. When I become famous, you're only gonna get those in my book!). Anyway, something happened to me today that I felt should be shared.
I've long felt that some people don't have the capacity to be bad. Sure, they wanna be cool like the next guy, and scheme and cut shady deals, but for every Zack Morris, there are about 150 Screeches. I am one such Screech. I tried to fight the giraffe, and the giraffe won. Let me wind it back, though.
For anyone who has never read this blog/known me, I love toys. I buy toys. I don't usually play with them, but they typically reside in a glass case from Ikea (I highly recommend the DETOLF). In any case, my preferred toy line at the moment is DC Comics figures from Mattel. These either come in the form of DC Universe Classics (I tweet about these a LOT) or the Movie Masters figure line from The Dark Knight movie. This story concerns the latter.
The Movie Masters were released 2 years ago, when The Dark Knight actually hit theaters. They were hyperdetailed figures, with a good bit of articulation, and pretty decent likenesses of the characters. They weren't all that popular after awhile, and they all went to clearance before the 3 series was released. Well, Mattel decided to make them an online-only collection, where they would release a new one on their MattyCollector.com website on a monthly basis. This idea sucked because they were charging, roughly $20 (not including shipping) per figure. The figures were nice, but not that nice. At San Diego Comic-Con last year, they announced that the figures would first be sold online, but would then make their way to Toys "R" Us stores exclusively. I figured I'd wait for the TRU release so that I wouldn't have to pay for shipping, plus there was no way TRU was going to charge $20 for them. I watched as the Bruce Wayne and Harvey Dent figures sold out online, but I was sticking to my plan. I was hoping that Mattel had put some stock aside for the TRU sales, so I wasn't gonna order online. Then, I experienced a bit of a toy drought. A bout of ennui had inspired several toy hunts of epic proportion - all of which yielded NOTHING. At the same time, blog posts from Matty seemed to imply that the TRU deal was falling apart. So, if I wanted any of the figures I'd been waiting for, I'd probably need to just buy them online. Needing to get my toy fix, I crumbled and ordered Jail Cell Joker from the MattyCollector site. After shipping, that fucker cost $23! I didn't care, though, as I finally had a new toy. That feeling subsided, however, when he arrived in the form of the most boring figure I've seen in some time. Don't get me wrong - it's a good likeness, but it just sits there. No special features, and the articulation isn't as great as that of others in the line.
Fast forward to last week. A Mattel blog post reported that the web-only Dark Knight figures would be showing up in TRU stores "in the near future". This prompted blog comments from collectors reporting that they'd already seen them in their local TRU stores. Ya see, Mattel didn't want to publicize this because they wanted to sell them for $23 before you realized you could get them in stores for about half that price. Those online collectors were reporting that TRU's price for the figures was roughly $12.99 each. But the plot thickens: remember how I told you the first 2 series had gone to clearance after the movie hype passed? Well, the packaging of the new figures is exactly like that of the old. So, many lazy TRU employees had just thrown them up on the clearance pegs for $4.98, not realizing that this was different product. So, if you got to a register and it rang up as $12.99, you could just point out the sign and they'd adjust the price.
Here's my thought on this: is the tactic wrong? Yes, because you know the real price. That said, if TRU isnt dilligent enough to catch this, it's not the consumer's fault. By law, if there are multiples on the peg, they have to honor that price. I feel like a TRU employee in the boys dept should notice something odd about them receiving product for a line that pretty much trickled off 2 years ago. I worked that department for 10 years, so it's not like I'm speaking out of class. The products look the same, they're hung on clearance pegs and, most importantly, there's NO new peg tag reflecting the new price. If a different price is not indicated where they hang, how is the consumer to know?
So, how does this all apply to me? Well, yesterday, I went into a TRU and pulled off this trick. There were no pegs indicating a new price, and the price scanner system was down. So, I honestly didn't know the price until I got to the register (after all, $12.99 was just the average price being reported online). I told them about the shelf pegs, and they did the price adjustment. So, I got 2 new figures for a total of about $11. The saddest thing is that they weren't even figures I really wanted. It was a weird Scarecrow variant and a Batman with glow-in-the-dark eyes. I can make all kinds of excuses, but I basically wanted a deal and I was tired of being fucked over by The Man. I mean, Matty Collector put the same "Night Vision Batman" for sale on their site at noon yesterday for, you guessed it, $23 (including shipping). So, Mattel was trying to rip me off by charging twice retail, while TRU's negligence allowed me to buy what is, really, a dead toy line, at a great price. My problem, though, is I got cocky. I didn't listen to The Gambler, and I counted my money before the dealing was done.
You see, today, I had lunch with my friend "Special Forces" (we call him that because he was in charge of the storeroom at TRU, and when it was holiday season, he got to wear a special black uniform so customers wouldn't ask him questions). He had acquired a DCUC Deadman figure for me, so I took him to lunch to thank him. When we were done, he informed me that TRU had gotten a truck last night, so there was a chance they might've gotten the Harvey Dent figure I'd been wanting.
We get to the store, and all they have are a shitload of the older figures, on clearance for $4.98. After looking all through the aisles, we stumbled upon 3 of the new figures. I had them all, but he needed 2 of them. Now, since my episode yesterday, I now know that these things scan as $12.99. That said (and I checked), there was NO shelf tag indicating the new figures. So, as far as TRU's shelves were concerned, it was a $4.98 figure. So, SF is all nervous, 'cause he used to work at this particular store, plus he knew he probably couldn't use his discount card because he'd have to identify himself as an employee, which would require a manager. To make matters worse, the manager on duty was actually a guy we both used to work for at another store. When I noticed this, I said "Crap, we can't do it because Paul's here." Remember that. I didn't yell it or anything. Just said it. It's going to be important later.
Instead of going to customer service, we go to the R-Zone, which is the electronics dept. I ask the chick in there if she can ring us up, and she begrudgingly agrees. Since SF's nervous, and I didn't really care about $10 (yup, I'm a balla!), I told him I'd take care of it. She scans the figures, at which point I do the whole, "The sign said these were $4.98." Of course, she returns with "Well, I'll have to see the sign." I follow with a "And I'll be glad to show it to you." We get to the aisle, and it's not like she can find anything to the contrary, try as she might. I know how this works. I've been in her role before. Still, there's nothing she can do. She goes back to the register and then decides she has to look up something. She runs over to customer service, while I'm running my mouth to SF about how you've got to take back from the system sometimes. The rantings of a failed revolutionary. So, she comes back, and it all falls apart.
First off, she says that the clearance price is just for Scarecrow. I say that it's not, and that the signs make no indication of this. Then, she says, "You knew this, which is why you said 'We can't do it because Paul's here.' Yeah, you didn't think I heard that. You also didn't know that I'm a supervisor." Well, bitch got me there. No, I didn't know she was a supervisor. I still held on to the argument that it's not my fault that they didn't retag properly, and that they were hanging with all the others. She goes through the whole "somebody must've put them in the wrong place", which still isn't my fault, but I was still pretty much caught because she'd heard the Paul comment. So, I played it off and followed through with the transaction. However, what was originally gonna be an $11 transaction was now (and correctly so) a $27 transaction. FUCK! Sure, I could've walked away, but I was already guilty, so I paid the woman. Special Forces got his figures, so he was happy. What pissed me off most, however, was how she took her damn time ringing me up once she felt vindicated. OK, I suck at bamboozling you, but just get me out of here, OK? Nah, she milked it. When it was done, I went over to Customer Service to talk to Paul. I knew I'd avoided him in the beginning, but I still felt I could argue to my advantage, especially concerning the lack of shelf tags. If nothing else, maybe he'd dispatch someone to retag the shelves at once, and I'd feel vindicated or something. Unfortunately, Paul was gone. Yup, he was there one minute, and gone the next. I thought that meant he was hanging out around the corner, but he was nowhere to be found. So, I walked away, tail between my legs, $27 poorer.
This isn't Consumerist, so I'm not going to try to say what I did was right. I was merely trying to exploit a loophole in the system. However, I let greed and cockiness get the best of me, and my luck ran out. So, now they're probably gonna look at me funny whenever I go in that store 'cause I'm that "guy who thought he was slick". I hate those looks. I used to give them to the guys who'd pulled this stuff on me. But I guess that's what this is really all about: I worked for TRU for 10 years, and there were countless times I was on the other end of this. Unfortunately, the law is that they have to honor the price, so they got away scott free. I guess I just wanted my corner of the sky. But, as you've read, I'm just not cut out for deceit, even concerning something as lame as action figure collecting. The way I see it, TRU just got from me today the money that they should've gotten yesterday. Everything balances out in the end, and I can't beat the system when I try.
Subway Commercials Should Come With An Ingredient List
"I'm not a one night stand kind of guy. I wanna bang you a couple times."
I hate when Subway creates a new sandwich. Why? Well, because nobody knows what's supposed to go on it. In the commercial, it is clear that there is a set ingrediant list for the concoction, yet the first thing the counter girl asks is, "What do you want on it?"
I don't know! YOU tell ME!
Then, I find myself saying, "I want what's on it in the commercial." Back when I was @ Toys "R" Us, I used to hate the "I want that thing from the commercial" request, because it assumes that part of our training involved watching countless hours of Cartoon Network. That would have been nice, but I watched Cartoon Network on my own, and I didn't get paid for it, thank you very much!
In any case, I find it hard to believe that there's no corporate-mandated list of the items that comprise each sandwich. Throw me a bone here, Subway! I really don't need free will getting in the way of my fast food enjoyment. I don't need to have a say in everything. Sometimes, I just need a Puerto Rican woman to grab me by the hair, and say, "You're going to eat this honey mustard and horseradish, and you"re going to like it!" Or something to that effect.
End of Cyberbattical: Looking Ahead
"The penis is the navigator!"
Welcome to the season premiere of williambrucewest.com. I know it's been awhile, but Leon's people came after me for that last post. Here I was thinking he should be grateful for the attention, but I guess I thought wrong. I can't really get into details, but the whole ordeal ended with me being thrown from a speeding limo.
Actually, the real reason I was gone was because I took a bit of what I like to call a "cyberbattical" (or cybattical - we're open to either term). Between the site, facebook, Twitter, and everything else, I was just too connected. I had a ton of information being dumped on me, yet none of it really held any value. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love a streak. I wanted to see if I could go a week without all of those sites, and that eventually turned into 1.5 months. I chose a good time, however, as I missed the overload of info regarding MJ's death, Jon & Kate, and countless other "media frenzies". In terms of the blog, however, I guess the break can't fully explain why I've been gone, as I haven't posted since April.
In any case, I've stayed away because I really didn't have an angle. Didn't know what to write. At times, I feel I'm too mean. It's easy to harp on celebrities and whatnot from the anonymity of a blog (or, as anonymous as one can be when the URL is his full name). As we've seen in recent press, those uppity mofos have lawyers and they will come after you!
Taking my focus away from celebrities, I thought I could get back into anecdotal mode, sharing some stories from the life of "The Real Will". Sadly, I've got a bit of a hater streak going on right now, so that wasn't gonna turn out well. For example, I toyed around with the idea of a "Match the hygiene difficiency to the correct girl I dated" article. Or my post about how Fox Reality Channel should launch a show called "Pregnant, Or Just Fat?". Or my critique of facebook wedding pictures. Yeah, like I said, wasn't gonna turn out well.
So, in this, our "pick up where we left off" post, I figure I should just give a bullet point summary of the things you didn't hear about on CNN.com
- Back in July, I saw Tiger Woods at the AT&T National. Now, I know what you're thinking, but I really saw the guy. I mean, I was about 20 feet from him. Could've pantsed him, and I seriously considered it. The thing is, Tiger's a lot more cut than he looks on TV. I think I got disillusioned by all those Chappelle Show parodies, 'cause the dude is built. So, I just did my golf clap and sat my ass down.
- I also quit Toys "R" Us. Yes, again. It occurs to me that I never actually posted that I even went back. That was one of those "I'll fill you in later" promises, where I never revisited the story - there are a lot of those. Anyway, I went back to TRU for part time work back in November 2006. After they closed down my Wheaton store, I found myself in Columbia because it was on the way home from Diamond. In any case, the money always sucked 'cause they usually only gave me about 7 hrs a week, but I always said that I was working there for the people. They were cool. They were into the geeky stuff that I liked. I felt that, basically, I was being paid to hang out with my friends one day a week. Lindsay, of course, hated it because it was time that we could be hanging out, plus I was losing my mind trying to get by on a one-day weekend. All of this changed when I got an erroneous review, and they didn't want to give me my raise. My TEN CENT RAISE. So, I quit and never looked back. Well, I looked back, 'cause I still went for toys (it is a toy store), but I don't miss the work. I guess the sad thing is that those friends broke into thirds: when I left, a third of them had quit/been fired, a third of them still keep in contact via facebook, and the other third forgot me quicker than Peter forgot about Jesus. Guess I didn't mean as much to them as I thought.
HOLY SHIT! Breaking News: Disney's going to buy Marvel?!!! OK, looks like I've finally got my inspiration back. Looks like I chose a good day to come back!
Before closing, I'd also like to highlight some positive things, seeing as how schaedenfraude's only going to get me so far.
- James and Jenn celebrated their 10 year anniversary. 10 years since I first met them on the steps of Arts Quad, the 2nd day of orientation. Yup, those orientation hook-ups can last! Congrats, guys. Also, Jenn, PLEASE redesign my site. You know, when you're not held up with pesky grad school stuff. Love ya!
- My bestest friend, Tarek Sultani, got engaged a few weeks ago. In a whirlwind, romantic courtship, he found the woman of his dreams and sealed the deal with a helicopter ride and a proposal. Way to set the bar high for the rest of us 
In any case, I know he's happy, and I wish him and Miss Hanna the best!
OK, that's enough rambling. I'll be back for more later...
Where Has Will Been Lately?
"She's got her own thing; that's why I love her."
Man, I haven't written one of these things in a while. Honestly, I haven't really missed it, but it was brought to my attention that some people think it's weird that I actually pay money for this site ('sup, Jamie!). So, I'd better get my money's worth.
I realized I don't blog because I don't really have anything to say right now. I'm actually really happy, so no angsty bitter posts. I hardly have time for TV these days, so no pop culture posts. And my internet is pretty limited to facebook on my phone, so I'm pretty sure no one wants to me to write about how Marcus Keith Dowling is attending Taxlo.
So, bottom line, I'm pretty boring, but it's an awesome boring. Can't knock it. It's just funny to me how people can change. I stumbled upon Power Rangers: Jungle Fury last night, and didn't know what the fuck was going on. Did that show ever make sense?! No, really, I hadn't watched Power Rangers in 2 years, so I wasn't sure if it was the show or me. I *am* almost 27, but I hate the fact that it made absolutely no sense to me. Felt like I was getting old.
Another odd twist is that I've become a bit of a gamer. No, not that D&D stuff the Diamond guys had me dabbling in (did I ever write about that?), but games of the video variety. To narrow it down, pretty much any game that involves a fake guitar is OK in my book. Sorry folks, but my commitment's to my music & my band right now. Oh, you didn't know I had a band? Yeah, it's called Sex Corvette. I'd explain the origin of that name, but I'm not sure you're all cool enough to handle it. I've also got a side band, Fornication Wagon, but that's just really something to keep me sharp for the SC gigs. Gotta tell ya, SC is taking the world by storm! We've got a jet, a sound guy, and we're about to get into the Hall of Fame. And don't even get me started on the guitarist - she's hot as shit. I can definitely see a Gwen/Tony thing brewing (you know, without the whole breakup & umpteen songs chronicling the ordeal. Seriously, I'm sure there had to have been concerts where Tony wanted to stand up during Don't Speak & just tell Gwen to shut the fuck up. But I digress...)
Ok, where was I even going with all this? Oh yeah, I was explaining why I haven't written lately. See, when I blog from TRU, I just lose all focus.
Speaking of Toys "R" Us, I had a situation that I've never experienced in all my years with the company. You see, I was on a ladder, stocking shelves, when a case of Wall-E robots tumbled over into the next aisle. I had just enough time to emit a telepathic "Ohhh fuuuck!!!" before it was too late. I got to the other side to find that the ghost of Walt Disney had used his ghost powers to clobber an old black lady. They always said old Walt was a racist. All kidding aside (you think I want the Disney corporation on my ass? We're cool, Mickey!), it scared the shit out of me. First off, I really wanted to make sure she was OK. I was reared by enough old broads to have a soft spot in my heart for them, especially when they're the first victims of the Robot Apocalypse.I was also scared that I was gonna get sued. Everyone asks,"Did you laugh?" I always *want* to say,"Hell, no! Don't be an asshole" but instead it comes out as "Hell, no! I was too scared thinking about being sued!" Hey, at least I'm honest!
Anyway, I should probably get back to work. Then again, maybe the store is safer with me hiding in the back blogging.
I think this was just a long, rambling way for me to explain where I've really been. A few months ago, I met a really amazing woman. A few months after that, I actually met her (don't ask...). Let's just say that the whole experience changed my life for the better. So now I have an amazing person in my life, as well as a new reader, in the form of her younger sister (who I'm looking forward to actually meeting). Anyway, you truly are a blessing, Lindsay. I thought my 5 readers should know that 
Dirty Pokemon, Black Snake Eyes, New Knight Rider, and Tribute To Ike Turner
"I thought you made love like an ugly woman. So present, so grateful."
Dear TNT,
There are other shows in the world than Charmed and Law & Order. I appreciate what you're trying to do. You're going for a whole theme thing. But, really? There's a whole world of syndicated shows out there, just waiting to be mined. I don't think anyone's airing The Fall Guy right now. Or how about that old show, The Wizard, with the midget who made toys that helped him "MacGuyver" out of bad situations? Just a thought...
So, I've been losing my mind lately, as Toys "R" Us is now open until midnight for the whole holiday rush. For those of you new to these parts, I work evenings and weekends at Toys "R"Us, or as I like to call it, "my student loan job". Staying open til midnight can be trying considering that's just the time at which we start turning away customers. Actually leaving the store is a whole different matter. This past Wednesday, we didn't get out until 2 AM. Keep in mind that the employees are high school students, mothers, and people with other jobs. It makes no sense to me, seeing as how we have a capable night crew, staffed with baby mama's and ex convicts. Can't they clean the store?! But I digress...
During this season, our minds start to wander, and the subject matter of our conversations isn't exactly suited for our environment. For example, a few weeks back, one of my coworkers remarked that he's both vulgar and nice. I told him that his Pokemon name would be "Vulgice". Then, his evolutions would either be Vul-Va or VulGina. Yeah...
Recently, though, we've been having a lot of discussions/arguments regarding the upcoming G.I. Joe movie. The guys were remarking that, regardless of how Hollywood decides to fuck it up, the movie won't be complete without Snake Eyes. Now, this is when one of the guys decided to say that there was a time when everyone thought Snake Eyes was Black, and how disappointed he was when he turned out to be some White guy. Now, first of all, this is a common Black thing to say, as we're always trying to claim someone in the media. Mariah Carey? She's ours. The Rock? Yeah, he's ours, too. O.J.? He's ours as long as he's acquitted. Anyway, it was weird to hear this, though, as the assertion was now coming from a White guy.
So, I had to search long and hard and think if there was ever any indication that Snake Eyes was a Black guy. As far as G.I. Joe goes, all Black members have to carry a big ass gun. And rhyme. See: Roadblock; Cross-reference: Heavy Duty. Snake Eyes didn't rhyme and he carried swords. Not a compelling case.
Then, there's the fact that Snake Eyes dates Scarlett. Sure, in the cartoon, she was with Duke, but in every other form of media, he's knockin' those redheaded boots. Now, have you ever seen a Black guy with a redhead? Have you? For real? If you have, can you find out his secret for me?
Next, there's the fact that he's a ninja. I'll admit that I was surprised he was just a blond cornhusker, myself, as he was a master ninja...who'd fought in Vietnam. This is the real clincher, as I realized there could never be a black ninja. Sure, a ninja might wear Black, but he could never be Black? Why? Because ninjas have to be quiet. There, I said it. You know you were thinking it, too!
A Black ninja would be flossin' and shit, and would never pull off the element of surprise:
"I'm a ninja, son! Look at this big-ass sword, woadie! I'm 'bout to cut you, fool! You betta check yo self 'cause I'm 'bout to ninja. yo. ass!"
But, knowing Hollywood, if they want to be hip and edgy, movie Snake Eyes will probably be Black. And played by Chris Tucker. Thanks, assholes.
Speaking of Hollywood ruining cool, black concepts, I leave you with this: The other day, I was stalking a friend on facebook, and one of his friends is a page at NBC/Universal. Her status mentioned that she was watching the new K.I.T.T. models roll of the truck. For the uninformed, NBC's filming a new Knight Rider movie which, if successful, will lead to a new series focusing on Michael Knight's son. Well, when I saw this message, I almost wet myself. I wanted to send her a message. After all, this woman was like an angel to me; my link to my savior: a talking, condescending car. Just looking at my site, you've *got* to see the Knight Rider influence. Anyway, I held off, and decided to find more info on the project myself. And here's what shattered my childhood memories:
HOW THE HELL CAN YOU CALL THIS K.I.T.T.?!!
I swear, every night when I say my prayers, I pray that someone would bring back Team Knight Rider. Or at least release it on DVD. On the bright side, at least these producers got The Hoff to agree to come back, which is something TKR never pulled off.
This post is dedicated to the late, great Ike Turner. I believe there are two sides to every story, and poor Ike never got his fair shake. So, I hope he's in Heaven, slapping and beating up angels...
Christmas Crazies
"Honey, why you callin' me so late?"
I love Christmas, but I hate Christmas retail. Here's an exchange I had at "The 'R Us" the other day.
Old Man: Excuse, me...um...I'm looking for...umm...what is it called?
Me: *eyeing him with annoyed look on my face*
Old Man: *fumbles with phone* Let me just call...I can't remember what that thing is called...Can you wait just one second for me?
Me: Well, actually, I REALLY need to go to the bathroom.
Old Man: Good! Me, too!
Me: Yeah, let's not continue this there...
The sad thing is, had I not said that, I'm pretty sure he would have carried the conversation into the bathroom. He DID follow me, but i went into a stall. We had a comedic moment at the sink as we both needed to wash our hands. Exited said bathroom, and the conversation continued as if the urinary interlude had never occurred. And it was just as awkward as it sounds...
Where The Bratz At?!
"Welcome to the layer cake, son."
So, it's been awhile. Not gonna talk about the main job yet, but I will say that I've gone back to Toys R Us for the holidays. Not sure if I'm going to stay on, but it's certainly as surprising to me as it is to you. The other day, I was telling someone that I feel like an old, grizzled cop when I put on that uniform. The whole sense of, "You don't know how many times I've looked in the mirror and said 'Never Again!'." But, as with any retail job, the crappiest part is the customers.
Back at my old TRU, it was pretty ghetto, and that sucked. But this TRU is in Columbia, known for is affluence. For those of you who read "Gatsby", it's very "new money". But I'll go a step further than that. It's essentially White trash who have somehow come into money. You know, contractors who charge too much for work, or the final season of Roseanne where they won the lottery. Butterface trophy wives of Redskins and the lot. Yeah, by switching stores, I went from hair weaves to Nascar quicker than I thought humanly possible.
Well, every Christmas, regardless of store or location, I have the same archnemesis: the Black mother. And why is she my nemesis? Well, she's upset because she can't find the Black version of the hottest toy of the season. Be it Amazing Amanda, Cabbage Patch, or even Holiday Barbie, she wants the Black doll. Now, what Mrs. Black Mother doesn't seem to understand is that she is chasing the niche of a niche. Not only does she want the hot toy, but she wants a variant of the hot toy. I'm sorry, sweetie, but they don't allocate them equally.
Now, I can see her position, but I really just don't care. Yes, I know that's callous. And maybe my views will change if I have daughters. Sure, these women want their children to have toys that represent them. A toy to help solidify their sense of identity. Something to instill racial pride. And this is all admirable. This is also all bullshit.
Toys only have that effect if you reinforce it. If you point out to a child that this doll is different, and make that your sole focus, then they will manifest that and you have achieved your goal of racializing "play". But if you just give them a toy, and let them sort it out, it ain't that deep. IF the child asks, "Mommy, why doesn't this doll have hair like me?" then you might even have the chance to establish a dialogue as to people's differences. But just because you get Tashiba a white Barbie, it doesn't mean that she's gonna go out and join the Republican party and buy a Volvo.
I always hate these mothers because they take it out on ME. Like I was the one who ordered all of the White dolls. The other day, I told a chick to write a letter if she was so mad. What I'd love to see, though, is a White parent ask for a White doll of a predominantly Black line. I'd love for some soccer mom to come in and ask, "Do you have any...White Bratz?"(editor's note: these DO exist, but people never really ask for them)
The funny thing to me, though, is the way that these encounters always play out. First of all, I will watch these mothers walk past several White employees just to get to me. And even after they've gone out of their way to find "a black guy", a "brotha" a safe harbor of sorts, they still can't be forthcoming with me. So, that's when I have some fun.
They'll approach me and ask, "Where are the Barbie's?" And of course, this is while we're IN the freakin' Barbie aisle!
"Umm..they're all around you, ma'am."
And that's when she'll reply, "No, the other Barbies. You ain't got no other dolls?"
Loving where this is going, I'll ask, "Well, what kind of other dolls are you talking about?"
And this is the kicker, and they ALL do this, she'll ask, "You ain't got no ***** dolls?" Now, let me explain here. This is when she says "Black", but she doesn't actually say it. She mouths it. It's kinda like those Cingular commercials about the dropped calls. As if to say that we can't let The Man hear about our plaything plotting.
And at this point, I have a myriad of responses, ranging from the polite: "No, ma'am. Those are always the first to go." to the obnoxious: "No ma'am, it seems that the toy companies just don't really like Black people." Yes, I HAVE said that. And I lived to tell about it.
At this point, regardless of what I say or how I say it, she erupts with, "I don't want no White doll! Why they think I want a white doll?" And if I'm lucky, this tirade ends with a "Where the Bratz at?"
Now, don't get me started on Bratz. Sure, these women are upset that there aren't enough Black Barbie's, but I feel it is a FAR worse crime to fill that hole with a Bratz doll. Sure, that shit is popular, but it's the minstrel show of toys. If you're afraid of toys giving your child a poor self image, then you sure as Hell shouldn't be bying them Bratz. I mean, the name alone. It's like they're trying to reclaim the term or something. A "brat" is a BAD thing. Not something endearing. And there's a reason there are no Black people in anime. You know why? Because they'd look like fucking Bratz! God, those dolls are HIDEOUS! And ignorant.
The other night, I saw a talking Bratz doll on the shelf, and just to test a theory, I pressed the button. Do you know what that plastic bitch said to me?
"Like, have you ever had a bad hair day?"
Huh? I HATE those trifling things, but they're just as popular as ever. But the only people who buy them are ghetto Black people and ashamed White people. It's true. I actually enjoy watching the disparity. As I said before, A Black family will come in, all, "Where the Bratz at?" And Woo! You get them to that aisle, and they can't spend that welfare check quickly enough. But the White families approach me just like the Black mom looking for Barbie. I'll get a White women who kinda looks down, or can't really make eye contact. She'll sheepishly ask to be pointed in the direction of the Bratz stuff. Yesterday, I had a dad who just looked exhausted. He said that their daughter was crazy about the stuff and she made them redo her bedroom in Bratz decor. First off, only a White guy would say "Our daughter made us do so-and-so." And he looked so forlon and ashamed. All I could muster was a "I'm so sorry for you. Hopefully, she'll grow out of that phase soon."
So, in closing, if you want a Black doll, do the talking with your wallet. Don't buy White Barbie, but don't buy Bratz either. Hold out until something comes along to your liking, but don't just jump on the first ethnic thing to come along. Buying your kid a Bratz doll is far more degrading than having to watch her as she combs Barbie's long, blonde hair. And if you're THAT mad about it, write a letter. Hell, start your own toy company. Maybe Michael Richards will even donate some of his Seinfeld money to help you get started (Man, that reference is gonna be SO dated when I re-read this in a year!). But don't shoot the messenger because I actually know where the Black doll bodies are buried.
I don't even know what that means, but I felt the need to go out on a strong note. And I think this exposition just killed any attempt at that. Seacrest, out!
- RT @MeisterShake: Seriously folks, WHY THE FUCK would I care about YOUR horoscope? Stop tweeting it.
- A midget!!! #SNL
- I love how that Bon Iver photo was like Find The Black Guy. Oh, there he is! Between Chad and Tyler!
- If y'all wanna make fun of Lana Del Ray, you can make fun of this dude's Eunuch Wails.
- This dude is just making noises - like the kind you make when you catch your balls in the zipper. I hope the internet takes notice!
- This Bon Iver song sounds like Johnny Hates Jazz. Not complaining. I just need bigger shoulder pads.
- That's why Harlem Nights is such a good movie - it passes the torch, but you'll never get that much black talent in the same movie again.
- When is Tyler Perry gonna get cracking on the black version of The Expendables?
- If I investigated rape cases, like on SVU, my first question to the vic (that's Cop Talk) would be "Did he look like Guy Fieri?"
- Ten seconds, gun to your head - who won The Voice last season?
From The Vault
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- I Tend To Rant
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